Chapter 2: Courez -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 13:42:28 11/02/01 Fri
Author: lafemme
Subject: Chapter 2: Courez
In reply to: lafemme 's message, "Need a beta reader here please" on 13:32:31 11/02/01 Fri

2

Traffic on a Friday evening was actually light for this time of night. Everyone seemed to be going about their business, travelling from one place to another . . . everyone that is, except Nathalie. Her night had just begun and she had no idea when this nightmare would end. To say that she was scared would have been an understatement. Terrified better described her current state of mind. She tried to glance at her unwanted passenger, but was rebuffed with a harsh reminder to "keep her eyes on the road." She didn't even know where she was supposed to drive. Finally after travelling east for fifteen minutes, Nathalie offered a suggestion or rather a question to this frightening stranger.

"Where do you want to go?"

Michael considered the question. His options were limited at the moment. He had gone into mandatory refusal after having his current mission compromised. As it stood, he knew it only would be a matter of time before Section would come after him. Mandatory refusal normally did not necessitate Section's tracking him, but things were different. Michael knew that although he was in mandatory refusal, Section had come to its own and yet quite different conclusion: Michael had turned and now must be eliminated. Operations, along with Madeline concluded that Michael had assassinated a high level contact for Section. If Operations or Madeline got hold of him before he could figure out exactly what had happened, Michael would be interrogated and then reprogrammed. This was not an option that appealed to Michael. He actually preferred death to Operations' or Madeline's tinkering with his mind; his psyche. It was one of his few possessions that he held dearly.

"Do you have a computer?" Michael asked, his attention now focused back to his current problem. He knew there was one person in Section he could trust. It was Nikita. If he could establish a link with Nikita, the he would come closer to solving the problem.

"Y . . .e . . .s . . .I . . . do . . ." Nathalie was startled that the man had actually spoken to her. She asked her question over five minutes ago and he just now gave an answer.

"Drive to your place. Do as I tell you, or I will kill you." He showed her the gun he still held in his good hand. Nathalie was no more than ten minutes from her apartment. She had to reach up to her visor to open the remote controlled gate. The stranger eyed her suspiciously, but decided that nothing was wrong. Luckily or not, her apartment was situated in the rear of the apartment complex, and so the possibility of someone seeing her and coming to her rescue was slim. When she parked her car in its space. Nathalie decided against running. Somehow she felt she would be dead before she reached her front door. Nathalie turned once more and looked and this mysterious stranger. His eyes were closed. It was then that she noticed the blood on his shirt. She wondered how badly he'd been hurt.

Nathalie knew her thinking was irrational by many people's standards, but Nathalie never did things in a logical fashion. She frequently allowed her emotions to rule her thinking. This, more often that not, got her into trouble. Now, the opportunity for a rational response to this situation was presented once more and just as before Nathalie allowed her emotions to rule her behavior. Leaning over to see the severity of the wound, Nathalie was startled when the stranger had placed his gun under her chin. It had been in his lap.

"Don't move," the man commanded. He fumbled but managed to open the passenger door. Backing out of the seat, he motioned for Nathalie to exit the car.

"I won't run," Nathalie offered. The stranger only nodded his head and motioned with his one good hand for her to move ahead of him. Nathalie began walking. Stopping at her front door, she was about to open it, when the stranger spoke.

"Does anyone else live here?" he asked.

"Yes . . ." Nathalie began and then shook her head. No, it's just me and my cat." The stranger now motioned for her to open the door. The moment the door was opened, the alarm sounded.

"Deactivate the alarm," the stranger told her.

"And if I don't?" Nathalie challenged. The stranger cocked the gun in response. Nathalie sighed and complied with his wishes. Once inside, the stranger made a cursory inspection of the apartment. He found no one else inside and so he began an inventory of what needed to be done in the next forty-eight hours. Before he could begin, however, he needed to decide what to do with the young woman.

"Go into the bathroom. Stay inside and no harm will come to you." Michael led the young woman into the bathroom and seeing a pair of pantyhose drying, he quickly used them as a means of tying this woman to a handle on the bathtub. He unplugged the phone and closed the door.

'Great!' Nathalie thought to herself. 'I'm being held hostage in my own bathroom by freakin' weirdo prince charming!'

Thirty minutes later . . .

Somehow, Nathalie had managed to loosen the bond that held her. She now sat quietly in her bathroom, listening for any indication that this man was still in her apartment. While she was scared and terrified, Nathalie also felt a strange sense of exhilaration. This is what I should write about . . . a dark knight turning an otherwise ordinary woman's life upside down . . .

Nathalie shook her head, dismissing the thought from her mind. She refocused on her main priority, which was her escape. Slowly, she opened the bathroom door. She heard nothing. Stepping into the hallway, Nathalie was about to make a break for the door when she heard a noise. She froze for a moment and then curiosity got the better of her. Cautiously she approached her office and gasped at the sight presented before her.

The stranger was slumped over at her computer. Nathalie inched closer, not sure of what would happen next. She noticed that a chat room was operating and that there were two users logged on into a private room. Nathalie watched in morbid fascination as a user, only known by the screen name of "Oreo Ollie" kept repeat a single phrase over and over.

"Michael are you there?"

"Michael are you there?"

"Michael are you there?"

"Are you there?"

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[> [> COMMENTS: Re: Chapter 2: Courez -- Nestra, 11:58:47 11/08/01 Thu

Traffic on a Friday evening was actually light for this time of night. Everyone seemed to be going about their business, travelling from one place to another . . . everyone that is, except Nathalie. Her night had just begun comma and she had no idea when this nightmare would end. To say that she was scared would have been an understatement. Terrified better described her current state of mind. She tried to glance at her unwanted passenger, but was rebuffed with a harsh reminder to "keep her eyes on the road." She didn't even know where she was supposed to drive. Finally after travelling east for fifteen minutes, Nathalie offered a suggestion commaor rather a question commato this frightening stranger.

This paragraph is a good example of showing us her state of mind, instead of just telling us that she's scared, and the contrast with everyone else going about their business is nice.

I'd still suggest rephrasing so your sentences aren't so passive.

Michael considered the question.

This is another POV switch. There's no rule that you have to stick with one POV in a story, but it's usually best if you don't switch very often. When the POV switches from paragraph to paragraph, it can confuse readers.

Operations, along with Madeline comma had concluded that Michael had assassinated a high level contact for Section.

"Do you have a computer?" Michael asked, his attention now focused back to back on his current problem. He knew there was one person in Section he could trust. It was Nikita. If he could establish a link with Nikita, the he would come closer to solving the problem.

The sentence "It was Nikita" is unecessary, and it breaks up the otherwise smooth flow of the paragraph.

"Y . . .e . . .s . . .I . . . do . . ."

I'm not sure exactly what effect you're trying to convey with this, but it's kind of distracting. It might work better if you described the effect in Nat's state of mind instead.

She asked her question over five minutes ago and he just now gave an answer.

She had asked her question over five minutes ago, and he had just now given her an answer.

"Drive to your place.

"place" is kind of slangy for Michael. I think he'd be more likely to say "apartment" or "home".

Nathalie turned once more and looked and looked at this mysterious stranger.

Nathalie knew her thinking was irrational by many people's standards, but Nathalie never did things in a logical fashion. She frequently allowed her emotions to rule her thinking. This, more often that not, got her into trouble. Now, the opportunity for a rational response to this situation was presented once more and just as before Nathalie allowed her emotions to rule her behavior.

More telling instead of showing. You obviously like this character you've created, so why not show us what she's like? There are ways to show that she's more emotional than rational, especially in the situation you've placed her in.

Leaning over to see the severity of the wound, Nathalie was startled when the stranger had delete "had" placed his gun under her chin.

"Yes . . ." Nathalie began and then shook her head. No, it's just me and my cat." The stranger now motioned for her to open the door. The moment the door was opened, the alarm sounded.

Wouldn't an answer like that make Michael suspicious?

"And if I don't?" Nathalie challenged. The stranger cocked the gun in response. Nathalie sighed and complied with his wishes. Once inside, the stranger made a cursory inspection of the apartment. He found no one else inside and so he began an inventory of what needed to be done in the next forty-eight hours. Before he could begin, however, he needed to decide what to do with the young woman.

If you're in Michael's POV here, he wouldn't think of himself as "the stranger".

"Go into the bathroom. Stay inside comma and no harm will come to you." Michael led the young woman into the bathroom comma and seeing a pair of pantyhose drying, he quickly used them as a means of tying this woman to a handle on the bathtub.

The phrase "as a means" isn't necessary, and just clogs up your sentence. You could just as easily say "he quickly used them to tie this woman..."

Thirty minutes later . . .

Instead of this, you could easily incorporate the passage of time into the text, and it wouldn't break up the flow like "thirty minutes later..." does.

"Michael commaare you there?"

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