COMMENTS: Re: Chapter 2: Courez -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 11:58:47 11/08/01 Thu
Author: Nestra
Subject: COMMENTS: Re: Chapter 2: Courez
In reply to: lafemme 's message, "Chapter 2: Courez" on 13:42:28 11/02/01 Fri

Traffic on a Friday evening was actually light for this time of night. Everyone seemed to be going about their business, travelling from one place to another . . . everyone that is, except Nathalie. Her night had just begun comma and she had no idea when this nightmare would end. To say that she was scared would have been an understatement. Terrified better described her current state of mind. She tried to glance at her unwanted passenger, but was rebuffed with a harsh reminder to "keep her eyes on the road." She didn't even know where she was supposed to drive. Finally after travelling east for fifteen minutes, Nathalie offered a suggestion commaor rather a question commato this frightening stranger.

This paragraph is a good example of showing us her state of mind, instead of just telling us that she's scared, and the contrast with everyone else going about their business is nice.

I'd still suggest rephrasing so your sentences aren't so passive.

Michael considered the question.

This is another POV switch. There's no rule that you have to stick with one POV in a story, but it's usually best if you don't switch very often. When the POV switches from paragraph to paragraph, it can confuse readers.

Operations, along with Madeline comma had concluded that Michael had assassinated a high level contact for Section.

"Do you have a computer?" Michael asked, his attention now focused back to back on his current problem. He knew there was one person in Section he could trust. It was Nikita. If he could establish a link with Nikita, the he would come closer to solving the problem.

The sentence "It was Nikita" is unecessary, and it breaks up the otherwise smooth flow of the paragraph.

"Y . . .e . . .s . . .I . . . do . . ."

I'm not sure exactly what effect you're trying to convey with this, but it's kind of distracting. It might work better if you described the effect in Nat's state of mind instead.

She asked her question over five minutes ago and he just now gave an answer.

She had asked her question over five minutes ago, and he had just now given her an answer.

"Drive to your place.

"place" is kind of slangy for Michael. I think he'd be more likely to say "apartment" or "home".

Nathalie turned once more and looked and looked at this mysterious stranger.

Nathalie knew her thinking was irrational by many people's standards, but Nathalie never did things in a logical fashion. She frequently allowed her emotions to rule her thinking. This, more often that not, got her into trouble. Now, the opportunity for a rational response to this situation was presented once more and just as before Nathalie allowed her emotions to rule her behavior.

More telling instead of showing. You obviously like this character you've created, so why not show us what she's like? There are ways to show that she's more emotional than rational, especially in the situation you've placed her in.

Leaning over to see the severity of the wound, Nathalie was startled when the stranger had delete "had" placed his gun under her chin.

"Yes . . ." Nathalie began and then shook her head. No, it's just me and my cat." The stranger now motioned for her to open the door. The moment the door was opened, the alarm sounded.

Wouldn't an answer like that make Michael suspicious?

"And if I don't?" Nathalie challenged. The stranger cocked the gun in response. Nathalie sighed and complied with his wishes. Once inside, the stranger made a cursory inspection of the apartment. He found no one else inside and so he began an inventory of what needed to be done in the next forty-eight hours. Before he could begin, however, he needed to decide what to do with the young woman.

If you're in Michael's POV here, he wouldn't think of himself as "the stranger".

"Go into the bathroom. Stay inside comma and no harm will come to you." Michael led the young woman into the bathroom comma and seeing a pair of pantyhose drying, he quickly used them as a means of tying this woman to a handle on the bathtub.

The phrase "as a means" isn't necessary, and just clogs up your sentence. You could just as easily say "he quickly used them to tie this woman..."

Thirty minutes later . . .

Instead of this, you could easily incorporate the passage of time into the text, and it wouldn't break up the flow like "thirty minutes later..." does.

"Michael commaare you there?"

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