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Date Posted: 13:31:59 06/19/02 Wed
Author: Nestra
Subject: Comments (r)
In reply to: Deedra 's message, "The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 2." on 14:21:25 06/18/02 Tue

Back in the white room, A COMM. is piped through to Michael it's Birkoff, "We have found the sniper."

Capitalize White Room. As delle pointed out, COMM is not the word for a communication in Section. You need to start a new sentence between "Michael" and "it's".

"Take him or her to holding cell 2," orders Michael.

Generally, people don't talk like that. Michael would probably just say "him" and apologize later if it turns out to be a her.

Michael immediately leaves the white room. Standing behind the bullet proof glass,

Whoa. How did Michael get from Point A (the White Room) to Point B (the holding cell)?

Michael instructs one of the twins

The who? I assume you mean the Torture Twins, but not everyone calls them that, and even if they did, fan nicknames for characters have no place in a story.

to remove the veil from the snipers head.

sniper's

The woman twin does. To everyone's surprise it's Davenport. Davenport looks up slowly, and their eyes lock.

His eyes lock with everyone?

Michael looks away commathen heads for the infirmary.

Birkoff, Walter and Nikita are still standing out side talking.

Outside is one word.

Nikita calls to Michael comma but he ignores her. Michael heads to Operations first comma but the head physician deflects him to Madeline comma who is conscious.

"Michael, there is no time to waist. You must close down Section immediately. Don't hesitate, just do it."

Waste, not waist.

Michael walks to the COMM. as Birkoff follows to broadcasts the order for Sections shutdown.

I'd probably call it an intercom, in this context.

Also, why is it important that Birkoff followed him? For that matter, why did Birkoff follow him? It just confuses your sentence. Also, "Section's".

Then Michael returns to Madeline's side who then orders everyone out of the room.

It's unclear who "who" refers to. Michael? Madeline?

As Walter and Nikita stand outside the infirmary watching Madeline and Michael,

What happened to Birkoff?

Michael moves to Operation's side and respectfully takes the Command key from around his neck then returns to Madelines side.

Michael moves to Operations' side and respectfully takes the command key from around his neck comma then returns to Madeline's side.

Michael helps Madeline sit up comma then hands the Command key to her.

When Michael kneels and lowers his head, she drapes the Command key on him.

You drape something over someone, not on him. Also, draping really refers to some piece of fabric. A blanket, a scarf, etc. And why this involved ritual for giving Michael command of Section?

After a few minutes of silence passes,

Your verb, pass, needs to agree with your subject, minutes.

As 6 special operatives merge to the missions desk wide eyed, Michael proceeds to explain.

People don't really merge unless they're in cars and on a freeway.

"There has been a incident on Level 29. Walter asks, "Level 29?"

You need to end the quotes before "Walter" and start a new paragraph with the new speaker.

Michael looks at Walter heavily but continues, "It seems that Section has found a way to clone operatives and they are loose on the lower levels. Report to Operation's office for further orders."

I'm sorry, how does Michael know this? There was no indication that he and Madeline talked in the infirmary.

Birkoff glazes up

gazes

at Operation's office as the 6 operatives fill in the perch window goes fades to black.

Start a new sentence after office. You've also got an extra verb there, with "goes fades". As I'm sure you decided, fades is a much more descriptive verb.

In Paul's office,

It was Operations' office a few minutes ago. Why change the way you're describing it?

Michael takes a micro tags from the drawer,

What are "micro tags"?

cloaks the perch window

That already happened.

He passes his left hand near the left side of the operatives operative's head comma causing the operative to move away from his advance new sentence then Michael places the micro tag with his right hand. Hence masking the micro tagging.

He does this six times, and no one figures out that something odd is going on? Especially since he's not actually speaking to them?

"I told you comma didn't I. " Nikita sarcastically can't help but mention.

He moves closer to her almost standing on her.

That doesn't sound very comfortable.

She begins to relax as he whispers in her hear.

in her ear.

Then just a abrupt as he moved in on her, he walks away.

just as abruptly

Puzzled by his moves

She's not the only one. What is the reason behind this action? Unless he tagged her, I suppose. But if that's the case, why be coy about that when we already know that Michael just tagged six other people?

The thing I find lacking, overall, is a sense of description. This reads more like a recitation of events than a story. We need people's emotions. We need descriptions of their faces, their tones of voice, their movements. Otherwise, it's very hard to get people emotionally involved in the story you're telling.

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