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Date Posted: 14:53:50 06/18/02 Tue
Author: Deedra
Subject: The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 3.
In reply to: Deedra 's message, "Need a Beta Reader.... The Copy-Cat Conspiracy." on 13:23:45 06/13/02 Thu

Part 3

Michael returns to holding cell 2 where the twins are working on Davenport. Michael instructs them both to leave. Closing the door behind them, he notices that an operative is standing in the observation window. Michael gestures to him to leave and he does. Michael walks slowly around Davenport a couple of times. Stopping in front of him Michael punches him and busts his lip. Davenport shakes it off as blood oozes down his chin. Davenport smiles as Michael moves behind him. Placing his hands on Davenports temples, Michael slowly runs his hands down to his kneck. Smiling no more, Michael places a micro tag on the back of his kneck after having pinched him to mask the tag. Michael then releases Davenport from the chair.

"Davenport, go with the guards out side. They will escort you to a holding room. Stay there; I will visit you later."

Michael returns to his office where Nikita is waiting for him as the two guards escort Davenport to a guarded holding room.

"Nikita come with me."

Michael heads for Walter's station with Nikita in tow.

"Walter, I want you to issue only stun guns to the active operatives. " "What?" Walter replies.

"Do it! Also Walter, I want you to lock up all the other weapons and guard them with your life. This level is the only one that has weapons. " Michael orders sturnly.

"Sure, Okay. Whatever you say."

"The rest of you have your orders. Take your positions until you hear different from me. Keep it low key. I don't want this escalating into a red herring. The operatives engage.

Michael calls out to Nikita and she stops. He nods at her and she nods back as she turns to carry out her orders.

Michael returns to the infirmary where Madeline is now unconscious. By now Operations is awake and speaks with a strained voice,

"Report."

"Madeline has filled me in on the clone project."

Paul turns his head away from Michael in pain and asks, "How is Madeline?"

"She'll live," a moment of silence passes, "How would you like to proceed? " asks Michael.

"I need to speak with Madeline." he replies as he tries to sit up.

Michael calls the physician over to move Paul closer to Madeline. Paul asks Michael for so privacy, and Michael backs off. As Paul and Madeline parley, Michael becomes visibly impatient and interjects with a hand gesture which Madeline pulls rank on.

"Paul, I can take it from here. You need to rest."

Paul lays back on his gurney as Michael calls the nurse to put him back in his recovery room. Two nurses rush to Operations side fussing over him as they cart him away.

Madeline askes, "Michael, did you successfully secure Section?"

"Yes."

Madeline then curiously asks, "Who shot us?"

"Davenport."

Madeline looks away and smiles just a little. "Where is he now? "

"Under guard on ice."

Michael takes Madeline's hand for support. Her speech is weak, "Go to my office and enter this code to access Davenports file. There will be the information we will need to defeat all the clones. Then decommission the west wing elevator and assign guards."

Michael heads towards Madeline's office.

When Michael arrives, Madeline's office door is open. He cautiously enters making sure the room is clean. Michael strolls round the desk to sit at the PC but stops. He looks off into mid air for a moment then glances back at the monitor. The P.C. monitor shows, Format Complete, at the bottom of the screen. With little else to do, Michael returns to Birkoff's station.

"Where is Nikita?" Michael asks.

"She said something about level 29." Birkoff rolls his chair around to face Michael and pulls up Nikita's position on the
PC.

"Yeahp! She's almost to the 29th level in the elevator shaft." replies Birkoff.

"Birkoff." Michael interups, "I need you to decommission the the west wing elevator then assign a tandem team. Then inform Madeline that her PC has been formatted. And that I will contact her after I check on Nikita."

"Do you want me to take a look at ....?" Birkoff asks.

Michael takes off towards the elevator to find Nikita without answering him. Birkoff glares at Michael as he heads for the infirmary, "Anti-Social."

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[> [> The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 3. more comments -- ~delle, 18:55:27 06/19/02 Wed

again, I'm using italics for my comments

Michael returns to holding cell 2 it's a writing convention that numbers are generally spelled out. Cell Two where the twins are working on Davenport. "Working on"? That's rather vague. Are they beating him? Using that nasty sinus thingie we saw thru the years? Michael instructs them both to leave. Closing the door behind them, he notices that an operative is standing in the observation window. Michael gestures to him to leave and he does. Is this foreshadowing? Or unnecessary? Because at this point in the story, it's annoying. Michael walks slowly around Davenport a couple of times. "couple of times." Slang again. Stopping in front of him comma Michael punches him and busts his lip. "Busts his lip" is awfully slang-y. Can you find a better way to describe it? Davenport shakes it off as blood oozes down his chin. Davenport smiles as Michael moves behind him. Placing his hands on Davenports temples, Michael slowly runs his hands down to his kneck. Smiling no more, Michael's smiling? A sentence ago it was Davenport. Michael places a micro tag on the back of his kneck after having pinched him to mask the tag. NOW you tell us Michael pinches his neck? This entire sentence seems (to me) to be backward. Michael should pinch first, then apply the tag. And why doesn't Davenport react to the pinch? Wouldn't Davenport suspect Michael was up to something? Michael then releases Davenport from the chair.

"Davenport, go with the guards out side."outside" is one word. They will escort you to a holding room. Stay there; I will visit you later."
Now, were I Davenport, I'd be so freaking suspicious.... First Michael punches me in the face, then he pinches my neck, now he releases me? What's Davenport's reaction to all this?

Michael returns to his office where Nikita is waiting for him as the two guards escort Davenport to a guarded holding room.

"Nikita comma come with me."

Michael heads for Walter's station with Nikita in tow. Is he dragging her behind him? That's what "in tow" implies to me.

"Walter, I want you to issue only stun guns to the active operatives. "new paragraph "What?" Walter replies.

"Do it! Also Walter, I want you to lock up all the other weapons and guard them with your life. This level is the only one that has weapons. " Michael orders sturnly. I think you mean "sternly".

"Sure, Okay. Whatever you say."

"The rest of you have your orders. Where? When? How did they get their orders? Take your positions until you hear different from me. Keep it low key. I don't want this escalating into a red herring. The operatives engage. "I don't want this escalating into a red herring." Um... what? I have no clue what you're trying to say. Then you have "The operatives engage." Did you miss a closing quote? Is this part of Michael's dialog? The operatives engage... in what? I get two images here; either Jean-Luc Picard saying "Engage" or operatives passing around diamond rings. LOL! I'm sure you have something else in mind.

Michael calls out to Nikita and she stops. He nods at her and she nods back as she turns to carry out her orders. Um... this is positively confusing. She just heard Michael's orders, so why does he need to stop her and nod at her so she knows to follow his order?

Michael returns to the infirmary where Madeline is now unconscious. By now Operations is awake and speaks with a strained voice, period, not comma.

"Report."

"Madeline has filled me in on the clone project."

Paul turns his head away from Michael in pain and asks, "How is Madeline?"

"She'll live," a moment of silence passes, "How would you like to proceed? " asks Michael.

"She'll live,(period)" (Capital A, new sentence)a moment of silence passes,(Period) "How would you like to proceed?(delete extra space) " asks Michael.

"I need to speak with Madeline.(comma)" he replies as he tries to sit up.

Michael calls the physician over to move Paul closer to Madeline. Paul asks Michael for so(??some??) privacy, and Michael backs off. As Paul and Madeline parley, Michael becomes visibly impatient and interjects with a hand gesture which Madeline pulls rank on. As far as I know - and others here may correct me - *words* interject, not movements. He could *interrupt*, not *interject*. "Madeline pulls rank on" makes no sense to me. Is she speaking authoritatively? Giving Michael the "evil eye"?

"Paul, I can take it from here. You need to rest."

Paul lays back on his gurney as Michael calls the nurse to put him back in his recovery room. Two nurses rush to Operations side fussing over him as they cart him away.

Madeline askes, "Michael, did you successfully secure Section?"

"Yes."

Madeline then curiously asks, "Who shot us?"

"Davenport."

Madeline looks away and smiles just a little. "Where is he now? "

"Under guard on ice." On ice? Again, very slang-y speech. Not something I expect to hear from Michael.

Michael takes Madeline's hand for support.Support? Hers or his? Until your next sentence, you've not given the reader any indication that Madeline is frail or not doing well. Her speech is weak,Period "Go to my office and enter this code to access Davenports Davenport's file. There will be the information we will need to defeat all the clones. Then decommission the west wing elevator and assign guards."

Michael heads towards Madeline's office.

When Michael arrives, Madeline's office door is open. He cautiously enters making sure the room is clean. Michael strolls round the desk to sit at the PC but stops. He looks off into mid air for a moment then glances back at the monitor. The P.C. monitor shows, no comma Format Complete, no comma at the bottom of the screen. With little else to do, Michael returns to Birkoff's station. I'm assuming you intend for the reader to surmise that someone else has already been there. But wouldn't Michael try the code anyway?

"Where is Nikita?" Michael asks.

"She said something about level 29." Birkoff rolls his chair around to face Michael and pulls up Nikita's position on the
PC.

"Yeahp! typo She's almost to the 29th level in the elevator shaft." replies Birkoff.

"Birkoff." Michael interups, interrupts "I need you to decommission the the west wing elevator then assign a tandem team. Then inform Madeline that her PC has been formatted. And that I will contact her after I check on Nikita."

"Do you want me to take a look at ....?" Birkoff asks.

Michael takes off towards the elevator to find Nikita without answering him. Birkoff glares at Michael as he heads for the infirmary, "Anti-Social."

OK, those are my "nuts and bolts" comments. Now for a comment on the story in general.

Like Nestra, I find your story... cold? You've said that your interests are scientific, so that may be part of the difficulty. Writing fiction is very different from technical writing. In fiction writing, you need much more than "Just the fact, ma'am." Readers need scene-setting - yes, we all know what Section looks like, but is it warm? cold? Do the voices echo in that cavernous space over Comm? What does Michael look like when he punches Davenport? Angry? Resigned? That famous "blank face"?

It's the details, the descriptions and the adjectives that make the characters come to life, to spring into three dimensions from the two-dimensional computer screen.

Are you familiar with the writing mantra "Show, not tell"? It's much more difficult than one would think. Certainly it's something I struggle with constantly.

As always, (always, always, always, this is why I usually don't beta because it's such a fine line to walk) this is YOUR story. You are the author. You must write it as you see fit.

JMVHO, as always.

~delle

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[> [> [> Re: Part 3. more comments....Thanks! -- Deedra, 11:51:34 06/20/02 Thu

Hey everyone,

I truly appreciate everyone's time and effort. I am working on the changes you've suggested.

Also, understand that this is just a rough draft and in no way a final draft. With your help I will be making many changes.

Hence, ~delle wrote; Also, Are you familiar with the writing Mantra "Show, not tell"? It's much more difficult than one would think. Certainly it's something I struggle with constantly.

Yes, The expressions need to be added and will come in time.
I wanted to get the grammar, punctuation, and plot straighten out first. I know.. It's a mess! :-]
As you stated mantra is a struggle. I wanted to divide then concur that aspect. Mantra is next.

Thanks and God bless you all.
Deedra

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