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Subject: family

Author:
kristen

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Date Posted: 20:24:47 01/23/05 Sun

It is a time when I have never felt more like I am falling apart.

I can feel the anger and i am directing it toward my mother.

I stepped in to try to play peacemaker and martyr, the roles that always i have played in this family i was born into, this family of five. This family that no longer wears the same face of denial.

I am confused, i have let myself down maybe, i cannot seem to follow through with the generosity i claim to possess for her.

My mother. She drives me to climb the innermost walls of myself and scathe in irritation, helplessness bitterness and resentment.

I am livid. I am unable to let it go. I look at her and say goodbye. She tells me she is sad. I cannot seem to pull up my enlightened bootstraps and say i love you, stay the night with me, i am here for you.

Instead i just say "goodbye" and let her drive off into the night, alone and scared as she is. All i can feel is sadness., anger and relief.

And yet i am right with it all in some beautiful way. Underneath the smile, i am hurting a lot. I am scared I can't take care of myself. I see her and i see myself in her. I see where i don't want to end up. I see that i am not headed in the same direction as long as i choose to feel it, to feel what is so, to tell the truth and ask for help.

I see that i have choices. At least i see this. It is so difficult to be around a woman i love and witness her feel that she has no choices and that she is a victim. How do I support her when she makes no sense to me and begs me for the answers to her problems? How do i love her through my seething?

How do i see clearly beyond my own reactions to this person who raised me and wants to give to me but keeps taking.

How do i get past how much like her i am?

Thank goodness for the family I have created for myself here in Brisbane, one of so much surplus.

D stood and heard my mother. A did the same. There is a lot of suppport out there for her and for me and i just have to remember that i am choosing to live this life. To not take the turn off highway one either, when it sounds like a pretty option tonight.

She is in pain and that is hers. It is not mine, I have my own. And i have so much love.

I am grateful for this chatboard right now. If anything tonight, it is making me happy to know that a web of love exists and i am stuck in it whether i like it or not, it will not let me go unless i jump. I am not jumping. I am going to bed.

Thank you web.
K

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
tonight...	suz	22:15:23 01/23/05 Sun
one night later -- kristen, 22:59:14 01/24/05 Mon hi -- marvin, 09:43:12 01/25/05 Tue marvin -- Kristen, 08:44:37 01/26/05 Wed our conversation.... -- suz, 10:41:47 01/25/05 Tue Suz -- KB, 17:01:21 01/25/05 Tue