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Date Posted: 04:32:17 05/15/07 Tue
Author: Richard
Author Host/IP: adsl-75-45-211-139.dsl.sfldmi.sbcglobal.net / 75.45.211.139
Subject: son.... very long... like... maybe gem or mikki only will respond anyway

My youngest son. Both my sons had horrible childhoods and young adulthoods. The word 'horrible'… I mean it in it most terrible exact meaning. I did not know if they were alive or dead most of their years. My youngest one came to me about four years ago from jail out west (USA) and strung out on speed for years. He announced that he came here not because he wanted to get to know me but because he had nowhere else to go to. Even his awfully dysfunction violent family booted him out.

Near $15,00, very frazzled nerves, much stealing, lying…. Now much later he finally wakes up a bit and starts therapy and doing A.A. meetings. He seems to be 'doing' and not just merely attending. I had some spare money that was supposed to fix up my newly bought fixer upper Condominium. It went to him. Now without the spare money for a couple of months the reality of my budget hits. I inform my son who has been working basically part time as a cook, that I will be cutting him off because I just cannot afford him. Once when we were talking he responded… "But I am your life dad." We talked about that for a moment for sure. My god made it so it is only possible for me to live one life at a time, ya know.

He is playing catch up on his rent and heating bill. The landlord is giving him one more chance. My son is baffled by the (Lawyer) landlord niceness now. I told my son just because he talks soft does not mean he is soft. He is giving you this one more chance then you are out if you do not make good. I am the cosigner on his lease.

So today, after a few days of my son looking distraught starts talking about not knowing what's happening with him and life. He asked me about my financial standing. He had thought I had much more money coming in per month than I do… Like… "why can't you afford me." He asks if he can rent my spare bedroom. He burnt that bridge when he first got out and lived with me… he felt entitled to all including all that I had was his, stole everything, pain pills, take my bike without asking, and so on. And the fights… had to call the cops a few times. So today, he tells me he is thinking of going back west. He misses his bother and half siblings… drug addicts and anger addicts, violent… argumentative, thievery, abuse… etc. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach and I have large incision hernia there. At the same time, I felt so relieved he was getting out of my life. Then there was the guilt for feeling that way. It has been a tough day. I just now after a few naps, (napping is my mainstay of sleep), self-reflection, I am feeling better and more self-assured again. He cannot leave this state until he is off probation anyway for impaired driving (the drug alcohol). If he violates probation and books, when he gets to his home state, he will need that state's permission to live there, like to get a driver license or state ID. What he is, is super scared he will not be able to take good care of himself. He never had the training as a kid to learn to take care of himself. All he learnt was "take" before you are "taken". So far he has been working as a cook. He lost one job after another. He has grown some and has kept his present cook job for a while now. However, cooks only get 25 to 32 hours per week: amounts to a part time job. Putting cook job applications in has become a substitute for actually getting a job—any kind of 40 hour job.

There is only two months left on his lease. I won't re-cosign. If he books, I have already have had verbal correspondence with the landlord. He will be willing to work things out with paying off the lease if my son books. Turn it over… let God.

My oldest son… when he was 14 to 18 he got a most very good comparison of there is another way of doing life… but still chooses to do life very abrasively, filled with anger, hate, and bitterness… tried hustling me for money… he hit a brick wall… much angered him. I keep him at a distance. His soft touch Grandma (his mom's side) died and he thought that I would be the next soft touch. Abuse will barely leave his lips and I politely say goodbye.

RICHARD

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