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Date Posted: 23:09:18 05/16/07 Wed
Author: Sandy
Author Host/IP: 75-138-107-084.dhcp.hckr.nc.charter.com / 75.138.107.84
Subject: He's not coming

After I bought his plane ticket and asked for Friday off, made arrangements to pick him up tomorrow night at the airport and told everyone he's coming... I get a text message today that he won't be making the trip because he isn't in a good place mentally and he's afraid if he came here I'd see he hasn't changed. No, what is making me see that he hasn't changed is that he would send me a text message and then turn off his phone the DAY BEFORE he is supposed to be on the plane after promising that if I got the ticket he wouldn't back out on me. After talking to me on the phone every night for a week and telling me how much he's looking forward to coming. Even last night he called and was talking about stuff we could do while he's here and told me how much he's looking forward to it. And then this morning I get a text message that he isn't coming and I can't even call him because his phone is off.

Well that's it. Fuck him!!! He's right. He hasn't changed. When we were married, time and time again he made promises that he wouldn't do some of the things he did that hurt me so much but EVERY SINGLE time he broke those promises and he ALWAYS let me down.

After the divorce I wouldn't respond to his emails for several years because I didn't want to deal with him and the disappointment that comes with being in a relationship with him. But over the past year he seemed different and I let myself care about him again and start to trust him again and then he said he'd come at Christmas and backed out...luckily before the ticket was paid for. And now he wanted to come this weekend and promised repeatedly that he wouldn't back out and the night before he's to arrive, after I've busted my ass cleaning house, worked overtime to make up for missing work this Friday because I wanted to spend time with him, after I've been looking forward to it, Matt's been looking forward to it...with only one day before he arrives... he text messages to let me know he isn't coming???!!! That is unacceptable.

I'll never trust him again. I just wasted the last year of my life thinking maybe we could be friends and spend time together. We can't be friends. I don't treat friends this way and I won't be friends with someone who lies to me, breaks promises and CONSTANTLY lets me down. I don't need it. I don't have much of anything in my life. And yes, sometimes the loneliness almost kills me but better to be lonely than deal with someone who is untrustworthy and always hurts my feelings. I can't deal with it.

I'm hurt and I've cried. I'm sure I won't sleep tonight and it will be hard for me to work tomorrow. I feel like a damn fool for letting myself get caught up in this...for believing that I could trust him again.

Apparently I'm too fat and ugly for any decent guy to date because I can't find anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of so much disappointment. There is nothing to look forward to.

I wish I was dead!

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