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Date Posted: 18:58:20 06/06/06 Tue
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 12.31.208.217
Subject: My take
In reply to: Liz 's message, "About Self Esteem" on 12:00:53 06/06/06 Tue

"People aren't born with high or low self-esteem. Self-esteem is a learned trait."

My mom was never pleased with me either. And the window for learning to feel secure is narrow -- sort of like language skills. Learning language later in life than infancy is much harder. Learning to love yourself when you weren't raised to love yourself is an ongoing battle.

(My mom meant no harm. She is a Holocaust survivor. She was insecure herself. She wanted us to be "tough." She didn't know how to encourage and nurture, how to "accentuate the positive.")

I had an interesting discussion with my brother this weekend. His marriage is ending, like mine did 8 years ago. His issues are similar to mine. We both married people we weren't inlove with because we thought we didn't deserve better. We both were doormats in our marriages. We both carried all the responsibility, financial and at home, and had spouses who allowed it and took advantage of our niceness and had a sense of entitlement (that we lacked). We both stayed married and put up with that crap for much longer than we should have, feeling we made our beds and had to lie in them. We both "married our mom" in many ways, choosing partners who sought to keep us down, letting us slave away without appreciation, giving us no validation. (My ex used to tell me that if I ever left him, I'd be alone for a long, long time, etc.)

Anyway, we (all of us) have to make a concerted effort to remember that "your call to personal growth is to realize that you don't have to be perfect to be liked, admired, and deemed competent."

That really spoke to me.

It's going to be a lifelong task to internalize that concept.

I think I will have a bumper sticker made and hang it on my wall.

You don't have to be perfect ...

Liz

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