Subject:  Went to see a counselor today for the first time... |
Author:
Kara
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Date Posted: 15:20:52 10/21/04 Thu
I had been talking to Becky about going to see a counselor, and I finally did it. I made my appointment last night and I went this afternoon. It was only an hour long session but it helped a lot.
I REALLY REALLY ABSOLUTELY DID NOT want to go. I hated myself for thinking that I needed help, for feeling so weak, but I went against the "evil voice" inside my head, and I did it. My voice was fragile on the phone making the appointment and my knees were ready to collapse on the way over today. But I went. The man was really nice, even when I was edgy because I felt so stupid being there. I felt so riddiculous sitting on that couch knowing that he had a piece of paper in front of him I filled out that had a bunch of checks next to things like suicidal thoughts, eating problems/weight concerns, trouble adjusting, roomate problems, antisocial behavior... I just listed so many things and looking at it on paper made me embarassed; vulnerable more than anything; a feeling I HATE.
He was able to help me figure out in that one session that one of the reasons I am so unhappy is because I refuse to accept that I'm human and that I have faults. I demand a lot from myself, and I have no patience/tolerance for me, so I'm incapable of giving it to anyone else. I remember reading that a lot of people with EDs are very intelligent people who are perfectionists, and I never considered myself one because I thought it was too arrogant to say that about myself, but now that I look at it objectively I realize that I am.
There's a lot more, but that was the big thing I guess. I am by no means fixed, but just having someone there to interpret my thoughts and feelings helped to put things into perspective so I could start fixing things that are wrong in me.
So what I want to say is that tf any of you have a voice telling you to go see a counselor, no matter how meak it is, listen to it please. I'm glad I did. I'm going back next week... :)
-Kara
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