| Subject: Re: Changing my life / Becky -- telling your mom |
Author:
Becky
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Date Posted: 22:41:33 10/15/04 Fri
In reply to:
Deb
's message, "Re: Changing my life / Becky -- telling your mom" on 20:28:05 10/15/04 Fri
Thanks Deb,
So I told my mom today, and it was definitely a roller coaster with emotions. I gave her the letter and told her to read it and that when she was done I would answer any questions she had. She came into my room, and I couldn't understand the look on her face and it made me scared. So at first we just kinda talked about it and I thought things were going pretty well. Then all of a sudden she started crying and left my room and I asked her why she was leaving and she responded with "I just need to"
I gave her about five minutes before I went looking for her and when I found her I asked her why she left and then she just started accusing me of all of this stuff. Then she was like "you are so intelligent..." and basically she was calling me stupid for doing this, although she insisted that she wasn't when I said "so basically you're calling me stupid?" She just doesn't understand and when I told her how it kind of chose me, she just didn't get it. I don't expect her to understand it, but it makes things so hard for both of us.
We talked for about two hours then. And then later we talked for about another two. A lot of things were said. Some good and many bad: she said a lot of things that made me question why I was even talking to her about it, she accused me of things and yelled at me for things. I understand that this was very hard for her to listen to, but I guess I just wish she didn't say a lot of the things that she did. I mean she was basically telling me that I wasn't going to be able to "recover" w/o getting professional help. Ok so that may be true, my chances of a better recovery would increase with help, but I feel that I need to do this on my own. I also told her that if I ever find myself faultering that I would tell her to make me an appointment.
I will never forget the obsessions, and the horrible life I was living, and I don't want to go back to that, even on my most serious and strict "ana days" i hated how I was living, so I don't want to ever be like that again.
However what was said and done, is in the past and I am looking foward to tomorrow! Because I can eat!! To give myself the abiltiy to do that, is such a great feeling! I know that is has only been four days, and four days is nothing, but once again I am happy...I hope it lasts, I love feeling like this...it has been so long.
I decided that in order to be happy I need to be healthy, not skinny. I also understand, that I will have my bad days, days where I will regret becoming so open about all of this, and i know that because I ate well for four days doesn't mean that I am cured. I understand it will take a long time for better recovery, I know I won't ever be fully 100 % recovered but I am striving for 99.9% of a recovery!!! I can do it!! :) Thanks everybody for everything!!!!
Be happy, healthy, and strong!!
Becky
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