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Date Posted: 09:16:57 03/08/06 Wed
Author: Rodeo
Subject: The Answer: Part II
In reply to: Rodeo 's message, "The Answer: Part I inside." on 11:11:00 03/06/06 Mon

The old brick house, still sleeping by the time I arrived, looked the same as I had left it. Not wanting to wake my parents I headed to the barn. I pushed the door open and a single head poked over a stall door. I sighed kicking myself, all the horses had been moved to a show barn for this weekend, and now I had no one to comfort me except the paint foal and its mama. I let myself into the stall, Irish, my nieces horse had given birth to a colt, Cadillac, earlier this month. I leaned up against the wall ultimately sliding down it until I was seated on the floor. Irish lowered her head and put her muzzle in my lap. She knew something was wrong, and oh how right she was. I stroked her huge head and I could feel tears coming again. The lights flickered on in the barn and I heard my dad walk in, coming to feed the horses. He unlatched the door and jumped when he saw me on the ground tears streaming down my face. “What’s wrong?” he asked kneeling down beside me. I burst out sobbing. He took me and held me until I calmed down. “What’s all this crying about?” he asked. “Where’s Keith?” he added. He must have seen the lightning flash in my eyes. “O God what did he do, what happened?” “Nothing,” I told him, “Is mom awake?” He nodded and knew not to press for farther details. I headed up to the house. How did this happen? I asked myself.

The sun was just rising to his left, it had been a long nights driving. Normally he would stare at its beauty, but today he paid no attention to it. He was on a mission, he had to get to her, he had to find her, he had to make things right. What if she wouldn’t believe him, what if she was done with him. It panicked him to think that the last time they might be together was this morning under the warm covers as the sun rose. He thought about the sunrays dancing across her skin, he thought about the warmth of her touch. He could still feel her kisses trailing up his chest to his lips. He let out a soft sob, it had been a long time since he had last let tears fall. Mainly because she had made him so happy, he had had nothing to cry of. But now with her gone, they flowed freely. O God had he screwed up, he blamed himself for those pictures even if they were old, even if they were of him and his ex. He blamed himself more than anyone could fathom.

I was about to push the door open when I changed my mind. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be here at all. I turned around and got in my truck, I needed to see my horses, one in particular. I wondered how they were doing, I hadn’t seen them in the past 9 months. I wondered if they were fit for the first rodeo this weekend, I had paid my niece to take care of them while I was away. I smiled thinking how far she had come with her riding. I thought about the first time I had put her up on Aprils back as a small 7 year old, and how scared she had been. But my gosh, she was a natural. Now as she just turned 14 she was competing with me and she was winning. And my Nephew wasn’t far behind her. I turned on the truck and I headed to my home away from homes, the place where I had really grown up. The place where I had learned many lessons of life. The place that I knew people wouldn‘t push for details.

He pulled onto the road trying to get a glance of their driveway to see if she was at home. Her truck nowhere in sight, he sighed. Where was she? He wondered what her parents would do when he pulled in. He was sure she had been there. He was sure they would already know.

He pulled in and saw her dad headed towards the house from the barn. He parked and got out. Tag jumped out behind him. He could see the storm in her fathers eyes. She had definitely been there and her dad knew. Where did she go? He asked simply, he didn’t want to get into an argument with her father so he wouldn’t let him talk. Her dad nodded to the house and he jumped up the steps two at a time. How could she be in the house if her truck wasn’t there? he wondered to himself. Maybe it was parked out back out of sight. He pushed the door open and was greeted by the smell of waffles. “Keith!” her mom said delighted to see him. “Where’s Sarah?” she asked. “She’s not here?” he questioned very confused now. “No, why what happened?” she asked him, her smile fading. “I don’t think I should be the one to tell you,” he said, “I’ve got to go, I need to find her.” He walked out the door and drove off to the only other place she would be.


To Be Continued. . .

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Replies:

[> [> Feedback.... (you asked) -- Feathers, 16:00:36 03/10/06 Fri [1]

Nice writing style, moves well from one plot point to the next, good characterizaions, good grammar and spelling. I like the way you tease what's coming but don't keep us in suspense for too long. Not too much info, not too little.

Break your dialog out of the paragraphs, each speaker getting a new line, with quotes and everything. That will add some variety for readers, so it's not all one narrative paragraph after another. Your story is worthy of a more "novel-style" approach, with dialog mixed in with the narrative and action. This will make it look longer, but that's okay. Newspaper columns are narrow for a reason - the human eye scans quickly and easily over short lines. Short lines of dialog broken out of the paragraphs are not a problem and will enhance your story.

A few technical details (not in any particluar order)...
1) I noticed in "The Question", you used "common" for "come on", or, I suppose, what you meant was "C'mon". That confused me because it kind of made sense the first time I read it, but then had to readjust the next time. Use "Come on" or "C'mon". For "Come here", use "C'mere".

2) but with no prevail - what you're looking for is "but to no avail".

3) “Are you alright, mam?” - The short form of Madam is "ma'am".

4) he had had nothing to cry of - nothing to cry "about".

5) he wondered to himself - this is the same as "he thought to himself". There is no one else you can think *to*, and the narrative you're using supports an internal quesion. If there is no speaking going on, then it's "he thought," "he wondered," "he mused" (etc), period.

I hope these things help. I'm looking forward to the next installment.


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[> [> [> Finally -- Rodeo, 22:19:42 03/10/06 Fri [1]

Some criticism, thank you Feathers I needed that, the little reminders and suggestions. Thankyou.

Sarah


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