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Date Posted: 16:00:36 03/10/06 Fri
Author: Feathers
Subject: Feedback.... (you asked)
In reply to: Rodeo 's message, "The Answer: Part I inside." on 11:11:00 03/06/06 Mon

Nice writing style, moves well from one plot point to the next, good characterizaions, good grammar and spelling. I like the way you tease what's coming but don't keep us in suspense for too long. Not too much info, not too little.

Break your dialog out of the paragraphs, each speaker getting a new line, with quotes and everything. That will add some variety for readers, so it's not all one narrative paragraph after another. Your story is worthy of a more "novel-style" approach, with dialog mixed in with the narrative and action. This will make it look longer, but that's okay. Newspaper columns are narrow for a reason - the human eye scans quickly and easily over short lines. Short lines of dialog broken out of the paragraphs are not a problem and will enhance your story.

A few technical details (not in any particluar order)...
1) I noticed in "The Question", you used "common" for "come on", or, I suppose, what you meant was "C'mon". That confused me because it kind of made sense the first time I read it, but then had to readjust the next time. Use "Come on" or "C'mon". For "Come here", use "C'mere".

2) but with no prevail - what you're looking for is "but to no avail".

3) “Are you alright, mam?” - The short form of Madam is "ma'am".

4) he had had nothing to cry of - nothing to cry "about".

5) he wondered to himself - this is the same as "he thought to himself". There is no one else you can think *to*, and the narrative you're using supports an internal quesion. If there is no speaking going on, then it's "he thought," "he wondered," "he mused" (etc), period.

I hope these things help. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

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[> [> [> Finally -- Rodeo, 22:19:42 03/10/06 Fri [1]

Some criticism, thank you Feathers I needed that, the little reminders and suggestions. Thankyou.

Sarah


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