The Bride with a Bouquet of Boundaries
By Dr. Tracy Kemble
I remember preparing for my first wedding. I had everything from my gown to the flowers designed exactly to how I dreamed. My story went like this: A sunset wedding with a handful of people I knew, a fitted strapless gown with long gloves to show off my buffed pre-wedding shoulders; my three brides maids consisting of my two sisters and my best friend, all wearing simple yet elegant taupe brown cocktail length dresses; and best of all my father, blissfully walking me down the isle, who once he gave me away, would go hold hands with my mother in the front pew as we exchanged our vows.
It could have been a beautiful memory. But it never happened that way. In fact the memories of my wedding day still create a pit in my stomach. Unlike the way my dream played out, where I would gaze into the sunset as our friends and family loving watched on, instead due to my lack of boundaries turned out to be a day meeting the needs, tastes and traditions of others.
The shift in my dream began with my deeply traditional Irish Catholic soon to be mother-in-law. She refused to show up to the wedding if we were not married in the church. She claimed our marriage would not be recognized by God. I changed the location, as who wants both your mother-in-law and God mad at you from the start? I then had to change my dress as, “Showing my shoulders in church was as sin.” God forbid to be sinful on my wedding day, so to not offend the Bishop or the Church, strapless turned into high neck and long sleeves. Then there was the extended family upsets. They were Irish Catholic and there were eight in his immediate family alone, so my wedding party went from 2 to 13 to avoid alienating anyone. Chocolate brown was replaced with traditional Irish green gowns to make my husband-to-be happy; and as for my ‘blissful’ father, he and my recently separated mother would not even sit on the same pew together.
Getting married is supposed to be one of the most enjoyable memories in a girl’s life. The planning of the gown, cake, invites and location are to bring dancing emotions of love and passion to the blushing bride. Too often however, due to the pressures of family, finances, tradition and other’s opinions, rather than blushing with love and passion, the bride is red with anger and frustration. Why? Because while planning the day that is supposed to be all about her, she encounters ‘Aunt Opinionated’, ‘In-law Insisting’ and ‘Mother My Way’.
It not uncommon for a bride-to-be to desire to please herself, as well as her immediate family, her fiancé and her new in-laws. The pressures of creating a day that everyone can enjoy, and yet allowing the bride to still feel it is ‘her’ day, is the optimum goal. To do that however, requires a balance of not only focusing on the beauty of the flowers in the bouquet, but to also make sure you are armed with an arsenal of personal boundaries as well.
If you are a bride who finds yourself having to fight for your own way on your special day; if you are torn between keeping family peace yet creating your lifetime memories, here are five boundaries to tuck in your wedding planning kit that will ensure your wedding bliss.
#1: Recognize Unsolicited Donations: People have a bad habit of giving, “Unsolicited Donations” to brides. Unsolicited Donations are the advise, recommendations, and opinions given without prompting or solicitation. As you plan the day that will lock itself in your memory bank, be aware of any unsolicited donations from the influencers in your life. If and when you are handed any unsolicited donations, rather than allowing yourself to be pushed into it or offended by it, simply thank the donor for their input. “Thank you for that information. If my current plans change, it is something to consider.” No matter what, never agree at first blush to their donation, recommendation or tradition unless you know without a shadow of doubt it is right for you.
#2: Remember you have a plan: We are able to be pushed into something we do not want when we do not have a plan in place. Therefore, as you plan your wedding, realize that every aspect of your special day is already planned, even if you are not yet aware of what you want. How then, do you handle the ‘yet to be determined plans’ others are anxious to fill for you? You put them in the “under planning” category. The ‘under planning’ category is your pause button that will allow you to have the time to consider all aspects of your choice. The “under planning” category means yours plans are set, you have simply not detailed or announced them publicly as of yet. Implementing the “under planning boundary” sounds like this:, ‘Thank you for that information. We already have that area under planning and we look forward to sharing it with the family soon.”
#3: Go on Record from the Start: Some people, especially those who believe in being generous with their unsolicited donations need to be set strait from the beginning. Therefore from the moment the engagement is announced, go on record with those around you that your wedding will be a celebration of the bride and groom and though tradition is important, the entire planning will be based on just the two of you. This boundary will not stop people from trying to influence their way, but it will give you a reference point to say, “Thank you for that recommendation. The plan for the wedding is to create a unique experience that is a total reflection of just us. We are excited to share it with everyone and begin traditions of our own.”
#4: Choose Your Battles: When it comes to setting the stage to what you want and do not want on your wedding day, remember you not only have to live with yourself, but also with the people you might be offending. Therefore, think it through. If the request they are making is going to affect your memories, then hold your boundary and create a memory that you will enjoy replaying in your mind’s eye. To this day I am still haunted by pickled green bridesmaid dresses. If however, what they are asking will not cost you anything but a difference of opinion and a smile on their face, consider granting it as a form of peace.
#5: Traditions don’t make a healthy marriage: Though every parent or family member dreams of a perfect wedding according to their taste, tradition, color or location do not create a healthy marriage. Good communication, intimacy and trust with your partner are what do. The planning and pressures of a wedding can be a source of stress, conflict and division between a young couple. With proper boundaries however, the planning of a wedding can serve as an excellent place for a new couple to learn to set boundaries to create and protect the “us’ factor that is required to make marriages work.
When it comes to creating your wedding memories, the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis summed it up beautifully when she was quoted as saying, “Create good memories, as when we are old, they are the only things that we have to fill our day.”
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About Dr. Tracy Kemble: Dr. Tracy Kemble is the author of “The Rules of Love” Creating the Constitution for the Land of Us. For more visit her website at www.WomenInspiraiton.net
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