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Date Posted: 19:20:09 06/13/08 Fri
Author: .
Subject: Break Up to Make Up

Ficathon Prompt: From Stargate SG-1. Jack O'Neill faced with revealing his feeling for second in command Samantha Carter, and explaining why he wouldn't leave her behind says, "Because I care about her, a lot more than I'm supposed to."

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to CBS and Bellisario Productions. No copyright infringement is intended.

Title: Break Up To Make Up

Wordcount: 2800

Rated Mature for brief course language



He told me he was as fucked up as I am, shortly before he turned around and walked out. Well I could have told him that, so could anyone else who'd known us for the duration of our partnership/shared hell. We've always traded everything in equal measure, barbs, arguments, ideas, rank, strength, and yes dare I say it, even love. But most of all we've always been equal in our fucked-upness. I lay there on my back, in the same position I'd been in when he'd walked out, staring at the ceiling wondering if fucked-upness was a word. And if not, why not? Lazily I draped an arm over my waist, the other I flung above my head to land on the lumpy pillow that lumpily cradled my head. I could hear the wind picking up outside, the rain spattering against the windows in a rat-a-tat that grew stronger by the second. The storm had come. As predicted. It soothed me, knowing that something in the universe was wilder, more erratic, more powerful than the turmoil of my small life, in my tiny corner. The shadows grew longer, the room cooler in the dimming light. Time passed, it must have, but I didn't move. Couldn't bring myself to do anything but lie there listening to the wind and the scraping of something against the shingles on the roof. I wondered if it was he up there, or the branches of the tree that hung over the building on the west corner. It was probably the branches, but I imagined it was him. Sitting above me, only a ceiling and a million miles between us, with his arms resting on his up drawn knees. His shirt billowing in the wind that ruffled and swept his hair back from his face. His sea colored eyes squinted and intense as the rain came in sideways beating against his forehead, his cheeks, his perfect lips. God help me I loved him. Every inch of him that was perfect. Every inch of him that was loyal, and fair, and honest, and stubborn, and truthful, and impulsive. Every inch of him that was totally fucked up. I loved it all. If only he'd understood it. If only he'd understood that I felt stuck. That if I gave him what I have so wanted to give for so many years, what he's asking me to give now, we'd be separated. And if I didn't give him what he's asking for, what I wanted so much to give him, he'd walk out, like he did, and we'd be separated. How did we do this, and stay together? How did we not do this, and deal with being apart? God help us both.

****

I don't know why I climbed up to the roof. Maybe it was as close as I could get to her, and still walk out in disgust over the whole stupid thing. I knew the storm was coming. And I welcomed it. Watching from my perch as the wind and rain worked in tandem to tear the sky asunder and whip the earth into submission. I watched as the world went insane. Came apart at the seams, and I knew exactly how it felt. I bared my teeth, as it blew my hair back, plastered my shirt to my chest, raising goose bumps on my skin. Every sting of the rain drops, every howl of the wind was a welcome comrade. We were reckless, and insane, and we'd bloody well had enough of being calm and collected and disciplined. We'd had enough, and weren't going to stand for the laws of the Universe stepping into our path and taking our dreams away. Not anymore. I raised my hands to the wind, and the push of it on my skin only strengthened my resolve. I knew she was in there, lying in a bed directly beneath the shingles and the rafters and the ceiling beneath my feet. So close, so completely unreachable. It was one of those times where I would have given anything to just be able to do what I wanted. Say what I wanted. Have her, as I want her, without the rules and regulations and the steel bars of the Navy confining me. Separating us. I knew she had questions, but I had no answers. I don't know why I did what I did. Why I chose that particular moment to speak up. Maybe I was just sick and tired of standing next to her day after day and knowing I couldn't have her. Coming home after a long day of work and yearning to be back at that office because that's where I would see her. Touching her shoulder, her back, her hand, while we work there together and smelling her perfume on my hands when I leave there.

**10 hours previous**

General Cresswell stood at the head of the conference room table distributing cases as was his habit every Monday morning. "Lieutenant Roberts, Commander Turner, you'll be prosecuting Master Chief Scarnato, Commander Rabb, Colonel Mackenzie you'll be defending. This is an important one people. We can't give it any less than our best."

Harm looked at Mac, and she gave him the same small, satisfied smile she'd given him every time they'd been assigned to the same side for years. Usually it warmed his heart, this time it only left him cold.

"Sir..." Harm began, before he could think himself out of it.

"Is there a problem Commander?"

Harm looked to Mac, then to Cresswell and back again. Slowly, he straightened sitting tall in his seat. "Yes Sir, there is."

Sensing a change in the tides, Cresswell dismissed the others. When it was only the three of them in the room, he turned back to Harm.

"I'm sorry Sir, I can't do this anymore."

"Harm?" It was Mac who spoke up.

Harm's jaw clenched, nostrils flared. His eyes took on a fire, an anger, a frustration the Mac had seldom seen in him. His reply was to the General. "Sir...I can't be partnered with Colonel Mackenzie anymore."

Mac let out an audible gasp. The untrained ear of a stranger would have heard the shock and hurt in that one small sound. Harm heard it loud and clear, felt it like a sledge hammer to the heart. He turned immediately, put a hand on her arm, as much to reassure her, as to keep her in the room. Locking his eyes on hers, he willed her to understand, knowing she wouldn't. The cloud of pain, of confusion was too thick for her to see through it.

"Commander Rabb, you and the Colonel are the best team I've got. I have to have the best on this case."

His eyes never moved from Mac's, as he replied. "Yes, we are the best team. Which is why I can't be her partner anymore." He nearly lost it when he saw Mac's eyes well up. "I can't be her partner," he said in a low heart hugging voice. "Because I care about her...a lot more than I'm supposed to. A lot more than protocol allows for partners."

Cresswell watched the warring expressions on both of their faces. Remembering the special briefing Admiral Chegwidden had had with him about the two of them, he'd seen this coming. Apparently a lot more than Colonel Mackenzie had, if the gaping trout face she was giving the Commander was any indication. Cresswell struggled not to chuckle.

"And Colonel Mackenzie do you share the same sentiment?"

"No! I mean yes...I mean yes I care about him. No I don't share the idea that we can't put our feelings aside and be professional about things. We've been doing it for years."

Cresswell nodded. "I see. Since Commander Rabb has already spoken up, I can't ignore it. Colonel the case is still yours, I'll assign another second chair by the end of the day. It's obvious you two have things to talk about, but we've got cases to try before the day is through. I suggest you save it until you're off duty. Dismissed."

**Hours after all of that hullabaloo**

I stood at her door for all of two seconds before I used my key and stepped inside. She didn't look a bit surprised to see me. What she looked was pissed! And hurt, and…hopeful. An odd combination to be sure. It made me want to set her in my lap and nibble on her chin. Though if I were honest about it, EVERYTHING made me want to do that. She'd ignored me for the rest of the day, after my declaration in the conference room. I just wished I could have guessed what she was thinking.

"What were you thinking?" The question leaped from her mouth as if it had been waiting impatiently all day to spring forth and smack me between the eyes. She had her hands on her hips, as she paced back and forth.

"I was thinking I'm sick of coming home to an empty apartment. I was thinking I'm sick of smelling your perfume on my hands, but not on my sheets. I was thinking I lo..."

"NO! Don't say it." The anger had turned to tears. "We can't do this Harm. You know they'll separate us."

"What difference does it make? We're separated anyway." I turned away. "I can't see you every day knowing I can't touch you when the day is done. I can't see a little girl with big brown eyes and not think, ‘If Mac wasn't my partner anymore, I might be able to have one of those'." I turned back to her, not caring if the hurt showed in my eyes. "Does the partnership mean so much to you Mac, that you can be near me and not want more? Or do you just not feel for me the way I feel for you?"

In two steps she was by my side. "You know better than that. You know I lo..."

"No! If I don't get to say it, neither do you. And no, I don't particularly know that."

Tears spilled down her cheeks. I fought the urge to wipe them away. "Well I do, even if we can't say it we know it. I do, Harm. I just don't see a way out of this. And I'll take what I can get. I'd rather see you every day, than be separated from you for months at a time."

"What if I retired? I have my 20 years, what if I retired?"

Her mouth dropped open. "No! NO! The Navy is who you are. You can't give that up for me. You tried that once and look where it got us."

I felt my eyes flash and she rocked back on her heels. "Sarah Mackenzie if I had come home from Paraguay with you in my life and my bed, it would have gotten us exactly where I wanted us." He held up a hand to halt the debate. "I don't give a damn what happened in that God forsaken place. I care about now."

"I don't want to lose you. You can't." Her voice was a low tremulous whisper. "It would tear you apart, and tear us apart in the process."

"Not having you is tearing me apart already."

My voice was low, my words as heartfelt as I could make them, and they had her eyes glowing with love and misery. Turning on her heel she moved into her bedroom. Exhausted she lay down sideways on the bed. She turned to me as I stood in the doorway. "You don't know what you're asking. You don't know how much you'd be giving up just to..." She ran her hands through her hair. "I'm fucked up Harm! Just so incredibly fucked up! You don't want to give up your life's work to be with me. Just trust me on that."

Fury burned through me. "The Navy isn't my life, I'm more than a Sailor! I'm a man! A man who loves you! There I said it, the sky didn't fall, the earth didn't open up and swallow us whole. How can I put on another uniform knowing that it's what is keeping us apart? It's time for me to be something else. I've done my uniform days. When does it start Mac? When do I get to be a husband, and a father? When does the next stage begin for us? Or are we just going to stay in the status quo forever? And don't you begin to tell me you're not worth it, to diminish who you are, I'm just as fucked up as you are!" At that I turned and walked out. There was nothing more to say.

**Present time**

As I replayed the scene over and over in my mind, I grew more and more agitated. We had to find a way. We had to. Too much was at stake if we didn't. He'd finally let go. Come to me when nothing was standing in the way, and I told him to choose something else over me. To do the very thing that broke my heart so many years ago. Broke it in a way that had never mended, not until 4 minutes 37 seconds ago, when everything he'd said and done had finally sunk in to my thick skull. He said he loved me, more than the Navy. I couldn't let that go unanswered. I got to my feet, listened closely, trying to hear him above me over the howling wind. I wasn't sure if I heard it, or merely felt it, but I knew he was still up there. I headed out the door, grabbed my coat as an afterthought, and when my bare feet hit the pavement I just barely noticed that I'd forgotten my shoes. I climbed up the ladder to the roof. The metal rungs were freezing on my toes, but they didn't slow me down. When I swung my leg over the edge I was grateful I'd tied my hair back. The wind was angry, and letting all of us know about it. Harm's shirt had come out of his waist band and was billowing in a white air bubble around him. His shoes sat on the shingles next to him. His pants were rolled up to the middle of his calves. He didn't look over when I sat down next to him. He simply turned his face to the wind, and we watched together as the world came undone before us.

"I don't know how to win your heart Mac. I wish I did, but I just…" I barely heard his voice over the rush of the wind, the beating of my heart.

"You don't have to." I leaned in close, but still had to raise my voice. It's tricky to yell in an endearing way, but I think I managed it.

This time he did look at me, and I had to smile as the sides of his hair fanned out behind his ears. "You don't have to," I repeated. "You've already got it. I just can't let you make anymore sacrifices."

"Mac, even at our worst times, I never let anything stop me from getting to you if I needed to." He turned to me. "I need to get to you. I NEED to Mac. The Navy is standing in between us."

I nodded. Still at a loss. "I just don't want to lose you. Never to lose you. Isn't that what you said to me one time? Well, now I'm saying it to you. But…what I want to know is if we stay partners, am I going to lose you anyway? Are you going to give up on me?"

"I'll quit before I give up on you Mac. I can't be objective. I can't look at you and not want you. If that's what you want me to do, then…"

I swallowed back the tears in my throat. "What I want is for you to do what makes you happy."

Without warning or fanfare he leaned over and kissed me softly. "You make me happy."

Putting my arms around him, I drew him close. And while the earth went crazy around us, our hearts were quiet and still. "Same goes. What do we do Harm?"

"We find out our options."

"I don't want you to quit. That wouldn't make me happy."

I felt him nod against my shoulder. "Okay, but the moment it gets to be too much. If we're separated, I'm going to put in for retirement. It's time Mac. Time for us."

I sighed as he pulled me into his lap, and I wrapped my legs around him. My skin shivered, tickled under his lips as he set me back on his legs and began to nibble on my chin. "Oh yeah," I breathed. "It's definitely time."

The End

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Replies:

[> This was fantastic! -- BueJay, 20:11:28 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> mmmm... yeah - that was good! -- --, 20:35:32 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> So much better than the way S. 10 played out! -- pkb, 21:26:01 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> Very dramatic with the storm energy. Great job! -- kate, 21:31:36 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> Great story. Love the contrast of the storm brewing outside and their storm brewing inside. I just.........inside -- bama, 22:04:14 06/13/08 Fri [1]

find the use of the f word very bothersome. I think 'mess' would have worked just as well. Maybe not as dramatic but, I can't help it, I have never liked that word. Otherwise I loved the story. This would have translated well to the tv screen I think. To bad TPTB didn't think so.


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[> Wow, this is powerful stuff! Great emotion, great energy, great story! -- Achillea, 22:19:30 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> Great story, drew me in right from the start. -- Katiegirl, 22:26:05 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> It was so easy to picture this on tv, what an episode for shippers! -- lotilu, 22:27:35 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> This deserves a sequel!!! I would love to see how this plays out. -- tamk3, 23:13:27 06/13/08 Fri [1]


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[> That was very intense and totally could've been 'them', except for the f-word. The word itself doesn't bother me -- I know it's used alot by certain types of people and then it's ok, but I just don't think Harm and Mac had it flow so easily off their tongues. Harm was such the officer and the gentleman and Mac truly evolved into such a squared away lady. Oh well, for the intense effect aspect, oh, yeah, it worked. Great story (as usual), Pixie! -- mj, 10:15:36 06/14/08 Sat [1]


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[> [> Actually, all I did was post it. The author did do a fantastic job writing it, but that author wasn't me. -- Pixie, 11:17:11 06/14/08 Sat [1]


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[> [> [> Thanks, Pixie -- Duh, I just figured this out -- I finally went to your site and read about "Fic-a-thons", etc. -- mj, 15:16:53 06/14/08 Sat [1]


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[> [> ITA, mj. Couldn't have said it better myself. -- Mandy, 12:32:21 06/14/08 Sat [1]


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[> Wow fantastic i loved it,thanks so much for posting this. -- Bev uk, 10:21:04 06/14/08 Sat [1]


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[> Wonderfully rich in description & imagery. Powerful emotions perfectly reflected in the... -- ..............., 17:44:03 06/14/08 Sat [1]

...lashing of the storm. I could feel the room sway & rage around them. This story was so intense and agripping, I didn't want it to end. I want to see the rainbow at the end of storm, and the gentle cleansing quiet that comes in the calm. Thanks for sharing.

My guess -- Theresa?


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[> Very nice :):)! Hmmmm, I think..... -- Acer, 19:36:48 06/14/08 Sat [1]


the author is keru?


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[> Wow! Very powerful and dramatic! Inside -- JAG Junkie (Ronda), 19:41:17 06/14/08 Sat [1]

Call me old-fashioned (it wouldn't be the first time someone called me that! LOL), but I agree with the ones who expressed concerns about the liveral use of the "f-word". I found it to be jarring--but not in a good way. I found myself being drawn in to the drama, but every time I came across that word, it violently threw me out of the story. I guess you could say it had the opposite effect than what was intended. Shrug.

But otherwise, this was a wonderful and well-written story!


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[> The story and the writing are both excellent! So descriptive and emotional! Loved it!! -- ...., 14:21:02 06/15/08 Sun [1]


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[> From the Author: Inside -- Author, 00:47:19 06/17/08 Tue [1]

I wonder if it's easier for those of us who were at Fanfest the years that they showed all the bloopers without bleeping out the swear words. They all were saying the F-word all over the place. If you hear it in their voices, coming out of their mouths so naturally, it makes a difference.

I used it for that reason, knowing that Harm and Mac weren't the kinds to speak that way unless they were totally at the end of their ropes. It showed the magnitude of their frustration. There just was no other word for it by the time they were at that stage.


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