| Subject: How to speak fundamentalist |
Author:
Arthur
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Date Posted: 07/23/03 7:19pm
Hi everyone. I like your message board. I found this the other day and I thought I would post it.
Thanks,
Art
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How to Speak Fundamentalist
1. "THE WISDOM OF THE WORLD"
Ideas contrary to God's revealed truth, conceived by Satan the Great Deceiver,
and only accepted by those who reject God.
TRANSLATION: Any idea that is contrary to the teachings of one's own
church. (n.b.: Especially suspect if arrived at through solely rational means.)
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2. "YOU WERE NEVER REALLY SAVED IN THE FIRST PLACE."
(responding to ex-Christians)
TRANSLATION: I can't allow myself to believe that you were ever a born
again Christian. If you left Christianity, it follows logically that I am capable of
leaving, too. To accept this fact would destroy the very foundation of my
beliefs, so I must be derisive of you.
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3. "SATAN HAS DECEIVED YOU."
TRANSLATION(S):
A. If you still don't believe after my crystal clear explanation of salvation, then
I'll be forced to blame an invisible third party for your obvious lack of
perception.
B. I'm sure glad that the post-Exilic Jews propagated a stronger belief in Satan.
(I mean, S-A-T-A-N -- what a really great catch-all excuse for the things I can
neither defend nor rebut!)
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4. "SALVATION IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY SORE SUBJECT FOR YOU.
YOU ARE SO FULL OF HATRED AND CONTEMPT."
TRANSLATION: Your arguments against fundamentalism make a heckuva lot
of sense. I'll have to act quickly and change the focus of our discussion by
making this all about you.
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5. "SOMEONE IN THE CHURCH MUST HAVE CAUSED YOU A GREAT
DEAL OF HURT FOR YOU TO FEEL THIS WAY."
TRANSLATION: Gee, you couldn't possibly have left Christianity just
because you studied the Bible and found egregious inconsistencies and
whopping errors in it! Again, let me reach for the lowest possible common
denominator and make this all as juvenile and ad hominem as possible.
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6. "I KNOW THE BIBLE SAYS GOD KILLED MEN, WOMEN,
CHILDREN AND UNBORN FETUSES. HE IS THE CREATOR OF ALL.
HE CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANTS."
TRANSLATION:
(a) I really get stuck when ex-fundies tell me about Biblegod's atrocities. I'll
just give Him complete, unlimited power to do anything He wants to do. (It's
sort of like building sand castles on the beach. You get to destroy them
because you created them.)
(b) How else can I possibly justify blood-soaked tales of Mister Yahweh
decimating entire cultures and killing women, children,babies, and even animals
along with the adult men?
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7. "GOD GAVE ME A SPECIAL BURDEN FOR [insert inferior group/non-
Christian person or group here]."
TRANSLATION: If these poor, stupid, uninspired, ungodly, bible rejecting,
misled idiots could only discover the real truth as I have!
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8. "YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE THINGS OF THE LORD IF HIS
SPIRIT DOESN'T DWELL WITHIN YOU."
TRANSLATION: I'm special. I'm saved. I understand spiritual things now
because I have become spiritual. You don't understand. You're not "saved!"
You're not spiritual like me. You can understand spiritual things too once you
ask Christ to come into you heart ( . . . and spend a couple of years allowing
me and the other brethren to condition your mind daily to think the same way
we do).
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9. "BE NOT UNEQUALLY YOKED."
TRANSLATION: It is not good to be exposed to people whose opinions or
knowledge opposes my beliefs. It may cause me to start thinking rather than
relying wholly upon what my interpretation of the Bible and/or my minister
tells me.
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10. 'GOD SAID IT. I BELIEVE IT. THAT SETTLES IT!"
TRANSLATION: My pastor says it's God's word, and I'm attributing my
mindset to the mind of God. I can't dispute it. After all, I'm basing my entire
life's philosophy on my perception of what "God" is supposed to have
said/supposed to be saying. (By the way, my unbending committment and
refusal to discuss difficult matters with infidels also gains approval from my
Christian friends, most of whom are quick to be self-congratulatory
themselves.)
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11. "PRAISE THE LORD!"
TRANSLATION: Used as an exclamation whenever something good happens.
(Just attribute it all to our invisible sky friend, see?) For example, getting a new
car or getting out of the hospital. (It is never used, though, if someone dies, or
a plane crashes, or a baby is born humpbacked, or all the passengers are killed
on a cruise.) "Praise the Lord!" is only used when good stuff happens and we
want to give credit to a third party.
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12. "GOD HAS A SPECIAL PLAN FOR THEM."
TRANSLATION: Used to rationalize why a minivan full of pre-schoolers was
smashed to smithereens by a drunk driver who walked away with only
scratches. (n.b.: This is an alternative to "Praise the Lord" when awful
tragedies occur.)
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13. "SCRIPTURE CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BY THOSE WHO
HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN OF THE SPIRIT OF GOD."
TRANSLATION: Used by the Christian who is at a loss to explain a particular
scripture quoted by an unbeliever.
The irony of this statement is apparently lost on them, since in order to be born
again, one must first have some understanding of Jesus as depicted in the
scriptures.
ALSO: The above concept is taken from the following scripture and is used
extensively by born again Christians to prove that an "unbeliever" cannot
understand the Bible: "But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit
of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because
they are spiritually discerned (1 Co. 2:14)."
2nd TRANSLATION: "My ideas are superior to yours because mine come
from God, and yours don't; so even if my ideas seem irrational or are complete
non sequiturs, they are still somehow better than yours."
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14. "WE WORSHIP A GREAT BIG GOD WHO CAN DO WHATEVER HE
WANTS. SO WATCH OUR OR HE MIGHT JUST GET TIRED OF YOU,
TOO! FEAR HIM, BECAUSE HE CAN DESTROY BOTH THE BODY
AND THE SOUL IN HELL!"
TRANSLATION: O.K. already! Enough of the "love of Jesus" stuff. Your
constant rejection of my testimony and beliefs is beginning to piss me off
royally. I hope you take my hollow posthumous threats seriously, because I'm
at a loss to know what else to say. If I were God, I would kill you right now.
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15. "I WILL PRAY FOR YOU."
TRANSLATION: I simply can't imagine that you have ever prayed, you
unregenerate twit. And even if you do pray, you are not a born again Christian,
so you probably don't pray very well. I am saved, and I can pray much better
than you. God will probably answer my prayers before He answers yours.
*****
"Indeed,
what's striking about American intellectuals today,
liberal and conservative alike,
is not their Voltairean skepticism,
but their deference to belief
and their utter failure to criticize,
much less satirize,
America's romance with God.
They've abandoned the tradition of caustic secularism
that once provided refuge for the faithless:
people 'are all insane,'
Mark Twain remarked in Letters from the Earth.
'Man is a marvelous curiosity . . .
he thinks he is the Creator's pet . . .
he even believes the Creator loves him;
has a passion for him;
sits up nights to admire him;
yes and watch over him
and keep him out of trouble.
He prays to him,
and thinks He listens.
Isn't it a quaint idea.'
No prominent liberal thinker writes like that anymore."
-- Wendy Kaminer,
from her classic 1997 essay,
"The Last Taboo: Why America Needs Atheism"
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