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Date Posted: 16:08:52 02/28/02 Thu
Author: Katherine (and a sigh of relief was heard 'round the world!)
Subject: PART FIVE--THE END!!!! Inside
In reply to: Lu & Katherine 's message, "The JAGnik Olympiks...Sort of...(Part 1 of ???)" on 14:45:51 02/27/02 Wed


~back live~

Katherine ~smoothing her hair~: “Welcome back to the closing ceremonies. Thanks for filling in for me North. I certainly see that things went far better for YOU!!! AHEM!...As I was saying...we hope you’ve enjoyed our...ummm...Olympics.”

Lu: “Yes, they’ve been spectacular, haven’t they?”

Katherine: “Didn’t I tell you to stay QUIET??? You’ve caused ENOUGH damage. I’ll be surprised if anyone ever speaks to us again!”

Lu: “It’s just that...”

Katherine: “Zip it!”

~Lu pouts~

Katherine: “Let’s go over to the ThankGodThisIsAlmostOver Stadium where Dancer and Livia are standing by with commentary on the closing ceremonies. Dancer?”

Lu: "You put Dancer and Livia... together? Are...are they still... alive????"

Katherine: “Oh HUSH! They're FINE.”

Dancer: “Thanks Katherine. Welcome to the closing ceremonies for the XXVVICMMGONAVYMMIVIIXL Olympic Winter Games. We have a spectacular show for you tonight.”

Livia: “That’s right Dancer. Here come the athletes now.”

~Enter Athletes~

Dancer: “Here come the ice skaters. It appears that Tiner was injured He seems to be wearing a ... gosh, I've never seen a bandage there before.....And is that Singer in handcuffs?”

Livia: “Looks like it to me. Also entering the arena are pairs’ skaters Renee and Mic, who, oddly enough, won the downhill.”

Dancer: “What? Oh yeah—they did. And now, we have the Admiral coming into view. Why is he wearing an oxygen tank?”

Livia: “The Michelle incident—remember?”

Dancer: “Please, I'm trying to forget.”

Livia: “There’s Webb with his horse. I’m glad they reconnected.”

Dancer: “Me too. Here comes Turner on a gurney. That was a nasty spill he took during the speedskating event.”

Livia: “I know. Awful...And here’s our GOLD MEDAL winner, Bud Roberts. My, he looks proud!”

Dancer: “Yes. Well, uh, you know...those speed skating outfits leave nothing to the imagination. ~cough~ Anyway, that was certainly an exciting race. I think I see Mac and Harriet from the curling competition coming into view. Seems Harriet has had her hair straightened.”

Livia: “Yes. We’re lucky that was the only scandal of these games.”

Dancer ~cough~: “I agree, Livia. It’s a shame that Gunny and Sergei are still orbiting the globe. I know they would have enjoyed the upcoming performances.”

Livia: “Let’s go to Spoiler King for an on-the-field-interview with some of tonight’s performers.”

SK: “Thanks Livia. I’m here with Serena and Cinders of the JAG Cheerleaders, who will be performing formidable acts. Serena...tell us...what are your plans for tonight’s performance?”

Serena: “I’m not telling.”

SK: “But Serena...it’s my job to give people the spoilers.”

Serena: “Nope. Not telling.”

SK: “Cinders...can YOU give me any details?”

Cinders: “Well...I’m not exactly a Cheerleader. I have the flying monkeys act.”

SK: “ooooohhhhhhhh...good...good...can you tell me what they’ll be doing?”

Cinders: “No.”

SK ~beginning to tear up~ “But...I HAVE TO KNOW.”

Cinders: “Can’t tell. Only Katherine and Lu know—we hope!”

SK ~sobbing~ “I hate you I hate you! You've told EVERYONE else but ME! You're so mean to me! I'm NEVER going to watch the Olympics again! What's your address? I have some ....”

Dancer ~looking VERY alarmed interrupts SK~: “UMMM!!! Thank you SK, Serena, and Cinders.”

~SK just then notices Dancer and lunges~

Dancer: “AAAAAAAIIIIIGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!”

SK: “YOU!!!!! I've been waiting SIX STINKING MONTHS waiting to find out what's going to happen in DREAMLAND!!! I want to know RIGHT NOW! I'm sick of ....HEY!”

~hook from off camera grabs SK and pulls him off stage~

~Loud commotion and yelling ensue off camera~ "Somebody call Lijo STAT! This one's worse then LU!"

Lu: “Wha? HEY!!!”

Dancer ~grasping for her glasses, which are now sideways on her head~: Meanwhile...let’s hear from another of our performers, Oldspice. She’s standing by with our very own Mira.”

Mira: “Thanks Dancer. I’m here with Oldspice who will be giving a live rendition of her weekly ‘Mindless Friday Poll’...Oldspice...care to give us a preview?”

Oldspice: “Sure. Here’s the first question: If all the JAG characters go to the Olympics, who would be the most likely strangle Lu and why? Is it (a) Webb—because she bruised his horse with her hard noggin (b) Harm—because she caused paralysis of his lower body (c) Mac—because she caused paralysis of Harm’s lower body (d) AJ—because she let Michelle get near him (e) other.”

Mira: “Thanks Oldspice. That sounds like something worth waiting for. And I’d definitely go with “a”. Good luck tonight.”

Oldspice: “Thanks Mira.”

Mira: “OK, back to Livia in the booth.”

Livia: “OK...we’re ready for our first act. It’s GOTB singing his hit single, ‘La La La La La’.”

~crowd swoons~

GOTB: “La La La La...La La La La La...”

GOTB’s Backup singers (Lijo, ground control and JagFan1) : “Dooo Waaaa Dooo Waaaa...”

GOTB: “La La La La La...”

Backup Singers: “Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

~crowd goes WILD~

Dancer: “My...that was inspirational. Let’s go backstage where our very own Aria is waiting to interview GOTB. Aria?”

Aria: “Hi Dancer. I’m so excited, because I’m here with GOTB, who just gave the performance of his life! GOTB...sing it one more time!”

GOTB: “La La La La La...”

Aria: “I think that’s my favorite song. ’La La La La’...”

GOTB: “La La La.”

Aria: “I could listen to you sing all night. But...what was your favorite part of the games?”

GOTB: “Bud.”

Katherine: “HE SPEAKS!!!! HE SPEAKS!!!! GOTB HAS SPOKEN!!!!! Did you get it on tape?”

~Grabbing Cameraman by collar~ “TELL ME YOU GOT IT ON TAPE!!!”

Cameraman ~giving Katherine a STRANGE look~: "I got it on tape."

Katherine: "I'm gonna be famous!" ~Thud~

Aria: “Back to you Dancer!”

~Meanwhile~

~Katherine w/ yellow pages and phone~

Katherine: “Let's see here...who to call...who to call...Oh yes...here it is: ‘Wipley's You'll Never Believe This’. 1-800-NO KIDDIN...Waiting...waiting.....’Hello, you have reached Wipley's You'll Never Believe This. If you care calling about a Big Foot Sighting, Please press ONE. If you are calling about the Alien, Please press 2. If you are calling about Livia, the newest Shipper, Please press 3. If you are calling for any other reason, Please press 4. ~Katherine presses 4~ ‘Hello...this is the operator...may I help you?’...”Yes—OPERATOR...GOTB SPOKE!!! HE SPOKE!!!!! Get that interviewer guy out here ON THE DOUBLE!” ~click~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Commercial 7~

Katherine: “Say it.”

Lu: “No way!”

Katherine: “Say it NOW!”

Lu: “You can’t make me!”

Katherine: “Say it NOW or your ‘boyfriend’ goes over the cliff.”

Lu: “OK! OK! I’ll do it.”

Katherine: “That’s better.”

Lu: “If you suffer from the itching and burning often associated with hemorrhoids, try Prepared X...for fast relief.”

Katherine: “OK—now what?”

Lu: “I can’t.”

Katherine: “See ya later flyboy...”

Lu: “WAIT!!! I'll do it, I'll do it....""

~Lu moons audience~

Lu: “It leaves your hiney feeling cool and comfy.”

~Audience (and Harm) gasp and go blind~

~Lu starts sobbing~

Katherine ~snickers~ ”GOTCHA!!!!”

Dancer: “Well...there you have it folks. We now send you to the network, for a special message from our sponsor...”

Donald Bellisario: “This concludes the JAGnik Olympiks.”

~DPB, not realizing we can still hear him~ “Harriet, get Legal on the phone.”

Harriet: “They’re on hold.”

Disclaimer: No animals, Aliens, JAGniks or Gluoodlers were hurt in the writing of this novel. Furthermore, no JAG characters were physically harmed. However, we cannot say the same for the JAGniks’ egos. Bummer. If you have complaints—email Lu. It was all HER IDEA!

Lu: “No it wasn’t.”

Katherine: “Let’s write something together she said.”

Lu: “But the subject was your brilliant idea...”

Katherine: “Wait a minute...did Harriet just say she has legal on hold?”

Lu: “Ummmmm...I dunno...lemme scroll up...AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!”

Katherine: “R U N N N N N!!!!!!!!”

THE END ~stop clapping~

P.S. A VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR ROSIE WHO ALLOWED US TO GUNK UP HER BOARD W/TESTING THE HTML...ROSIE—WE LOVE YOU!

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Replies:

[> [> ENCORE!!!! ENCORE!!!!!!!!!!! -- Northstar - thanking the ladies for including me in this wonderful piece of writing, 16:22:31 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> You should market this as a great ab workout! I have tears rolling down my face, I can't breathe and my boss is giving me even stranger looks than normal and I'm blaming YOU TWO! I will definitely be saving this entire thing for posterity and potential blackmail material. -- KatRose, 16:27:44 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> FANTASTIC!!! I AM ROTFLMAOPIMP!!! GREAT JOB, LADIES!!! -- Tam, 16:56:30 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> ROTFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- AmandaW, 17:05:03 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> Re: PART FIVE--THE END!!!! Inside -- Em-Jay, 17:31:56 02/28/02 Thu

Brilliant Work, I love the adverts!!


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[> [> I got to sing with GOTB!! What an honor!! This is so funny. I'll need to print it out and save it for when I'm feeling down. What a riot!! -- LiJo, 18:15:11 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> This was all fantastic ladies! Thanks for sharing your talents (and insanities) with us! -- C, 18:30:26 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> YES!!! I got to be the musical commentator! (But why couldn't you have had a closing ceremony with me singing with JOSH GROBAN too!!! j/k) -- Aria (thats what I get for listening to Josh's cd while posting, LOL), 19:36:11 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> I thank you for the inclusion in this story, but I'm not sure I like my role. Hmmmmmm Ok, I thought about it, I LOVE it. I can't believe how well this is written. My neighbors have called the paddy wagon, so I gotta run and flee the butterfly nets. -- S.King, 23:27:38 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> THIS WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- CQ, 00:58:48 03/01/02 Fri


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[> [> OMG I'm ROTHFLM6OPIMP!!!!! This was hillarious!! just what i needed this Friday. You guys should do this more oft....(mobs of people jump Cinders). -- Cinders- p.s. loved my part:), 17:46:24 03/01/02 Fri


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