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Date Posted: 22:39:32 11/28/01 Wed
Author: leslie
Author Host/IP: 24.164.129.38
Subject: Why should I care anymore

Have you ever wished you could just roll up in a ball and die. What it would be like to forget everything you have ever wanted… or dared to hope for. Well, I don’t have to forget. I no longer have hope that my life will end up ok. I lost hope in that this year. I cannot have children. You say that is not so bad, but you either don’t know me, or you have children, or have decided you don’t want any. That’s nice. I wish I had had that choice to make. It was made for me. I am deformed you see. Not good enough, not born to have children. Not to hear their laughter or wipe their tears.

It’s as if, everything you have ever held onto as hope for the future has been taken away. You no longer have the future you dreamed of. In fact you can’t even think of a future at all. I see my future and it is extremely sad and lonely. I don’t want to live it. I don’t want to be sad, but with the prospects I see ahead of me… I cannot see life being anything but wanting what I will never have. I don’t think I want to be happy knowing this. I don’t think I want to forget my dreams and make up new ones. I worked too hard on the old ones. I know I cannot go on living like this, but I am not so sure I want to get better either.

I feel like my heart, my hope and my life have been stolen.

I used to think I could not end my own life, but now I wonder. The reasons I could not end it before is that, truthfully I don’t think God would forgive me. It is not up to me to decide at this moment that what He has in store for me is not worth living. How can I decide on why or how my life is lived? I was put here on this earth for his purpose, not my own…. And knowing that how can I decide that I know better than Him. Still I thought those thoughts would always stop me from going through with stopping my own beating heart….. Now. though, it seems that that reason is getting further away from my grasp. I picture a gun in my hand, the muzzle to my ear and my own finger pulling the trigger. Suicide seems more an answer than a sin.

I know that God is there and sees and feels what is happening to me, but I am not so sure anymore that He wants to help me. Maybe this is what He needs me to go through. Maybe this is all I deserve. Nothing at all.

I know I should probably talk to someone, but I am not sure I really want to get better. Maybe it would be easier not to do anything at all. Just walk out the door and not look back. Just walk or drive, or even fly somewhere. Somewhere where nobody knows me or anything I have ever been before…. Somewhere, where it wouldn’t matter what happened to me, because there wouldn’t be anyone who knew me enough to care.

Leslie

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