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Date Posted: 23:18:40 12/27/01 Thu
Author: Rhonda K
Author Host/IP: 216.66.152.130
Subject: Why am I still trying so hard @#!!@#$$#@!

My meds have been increased yet again....I am now taking 335mg of this drug that is supposed to be helping me stay in balance...and with every episode of depression... I feel more and more lost. I hate this disease...it has robbed me of of so much of who I wanted to be.

I miss too much work...23 days this year...I mean that is 2 days a month...I can't afford to do that anymore...so on those days that I can't make myself get out of bed..I have to go to work and hope that I don't have a melt down. I am tired...so tired of watching my back...so tired of working at being happy....so tired of working...at LIFE.

I made it through Christmas....and it was ok...but man oh man, I miss my mom and Caleb...I found out my Dad's prostate cancer is back and he is back on meds...I can't handle too much more...I just want to...well you know, all of you know...why do we keep trying?? Why are we still here? I know all the textbook answers...I know it is an illness...I know this is not a rational thought..I know I have a man that loves me...but I hate it when my heart absolutely explodes in my chest...and I can't catch my breath and tears roll down my cheeks and I feel like a part of me is dying...

I have put on 80lbs since Lynn died...and I joke about my weight...and I still enjoy sex with Lorne...but inside, I feel so damned ugly all the time. I cover my face with makeup and I buy trendy clothes and I get my hair styled...all the while...hating the way I look.

After Christmas blues??? Lonely??? Missing Lynn??? The drop off before the meds go back up???

All I know right now...is I hurt...alot..and I just want it to stop...

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