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Date Posted: 22:27:29 01/06/02 Sun
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 205.188.199.153
Subject: Peace of Mind?

That's something I've been searching ever since I was a youngster and it's dawning on me that while I had some major dysfunction, suffered emotional abuse, and have depression, anxiety, and financial problems, a lot of it is up to me. Someone on another board told me I have the choice to allow depression to be a part of me and deal with it in that aspect or let myself be the depression that haunts me endlessly. I think I'm right on that fine line in between the two.

I used to grieve that I am not married, that I don't have children, but ultimately, that is my choice, and I realize that in my search to find peace and quiet in my life, it's been my decision to remain alone, to be a loner. Two loving pets are the light that give me a second wind many times. Yes, I see my friends who are married, i see others with families and at times it hurts, but ultimately, I know right now all I can do is tend to myself and to add to that wouldn't be right, nor do I want that. So I can't complain about being alone. I know what my limitations are. But still, while some who have marital troubles and family problems probably wish for more privacy, it's difficult to describe what it is to live alone and feel there is no one to turn to aside from myself. yet that is my choice, so I don't deserve self-pity. Just responsibility.

I was standing outside the trailer today and it was cold and windy, but all I could hear was the wind and I looked up and saw the clouds rushing by and still, there was a peace I wanted to suck right into my mind and keep it there.
I know with a stressful job, financial difficulties, and the illness there will always be a battle for peace of mind. but there is a danger zone of numbness to it all which is a giving up factor which I find myself sliding into and having to fight off. It's one thing to find peace of mind, it's another to want to give up. Sometimes the two blur together.

I also feel an increasing distance from my family with little desire to go back and see them (I know that is just awful, but after years of swallowing my feelings and honesty to suit them and begging them to be close and constantly getting shoved back because they can handle only their own difficulties and it's not within their realm to make attempts to be close, I finally gave up and followed their example, I'm not judging them, a part of me still loves them, but I gave up knocking on their doors, I haven't burned bridges, I still write and call occasionally, but the light in my heart grows dimmer and dimmer where family is concerned.
I just can't help it and I'll have to deal with the consequences).

I sit and wonder sometimes how on earth I'll be able to deal with P.C.'s death, she's now nearing seventeen and a half years old and I know the logistics of life and death, it's the missing her factor that will kill me inside, I know she's just a cat, but she's been my best friend for years, there were times when she was the only friend I had. I know when mom and dad pass on, I'll be tormented with the what ifs, and all it will take is one health failure, a job loss, or even some small setback that could topple me into completely folding. Living close to the edge and living alone is my choice and I'll have to deal with the consequences of that decision and find a way to deal with future tragedies.

I wish I could just stay here in the trailer and not venture out into the real world, it'd be much safer that way, but it's not reality.

So my search for peace of mind continues, knowing that a lot of it has to start with me..

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
Peace,
Bill

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