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Subject: Hope (Untitled)


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:20:25 07/20/03 Sun

Okay, ladies.

This story MIGHT be finished. Feel free to have at it (please do have at it).

It HAS to end as a cliffhanger, because I refuse to cover the rest of the possibilities in this story. There will be a sequel (sigh)... But I just can't handle another fifty pages attached to this one story.

Please read..and tell me if it sucks.

thanks.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 1


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:22:09 07/20/03 Sun

When Madeline arrived on Soviet soil, a faint inkling of hope still remained.

It was an irrational hope, the same hope held by everyone when they first arrive at Five. A vague belief that their assignment would be short term, that within a few weeks, a month at the outside, Section would retrieve them, pull them from the Hell that was Five, and return them to the relative comfort of their lives at One.

Madeline, coming from a position at Adrian’s side, had more reason than most to believe she would receive a reprieve, and perhaps that’s why realisation, when it came, was so difficult to deal with. For many at Five, hope faded slowly, killing them as surely as any wound. But for Madeline, it was shattered early on, left wrecked and bleeding in the heavy snow by the sting of a bullet.

That injury, barely two weeks into her tenure, almost killed her. But it wasn’t the wound itself that devastated her, it was the reality. Her life at Five had begun and, like those there before her, and those who would come after – there was no escape.

No escape save death itself.

And yet, almost against her own will, she healed. And as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks to months, she found herself not merely surviving, but adapting to her new environment. Trials became routines. Injury became nothing more than inconvenience – recovery time quickened. And the day to day horrors that had stolen the hopes of so many others became commonplace.

Yet, after Madeline’s injury, things changed at Five. For everyone. Remarkably, the casualty rate dropped. It seemed that while hope was gone, and by all outward appearances remained gone, something still remained. A will to live, perhaps; a drive to survive, no matter what the cost. Somehow, they’d learned that exile to Five didn’t mean death; that survival was possible, if painful.

It was a sort of rebirth, one that made the powers at Centre sit up and take notice. But to those accustomed to using Five as a sort of Abeyance, it was not only inconceivable, it was unacceptable.

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[> [> Subject: beta stuff


Author:
jean
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Date Posted: 18:43:49 07/20/03 Sun

"...wrecked and bleeding in the heavy snow by the sting of a bullet."

niiice.

-------
"..And the day to day horrors.."

is that 'day-to-day'? I honestly don't know

------

Nice set-up of tension.

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 1


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 17:22:43 07/21/03 Mon

It was an irrational hope, the same hope held by everyone when they first arrive at Five.

"arrived" at 5.

A vague belief that their assignment would be short term, that within a few weeks, a month at the outside, Section would retrieve them, pull them from the Hell that was Five, and return them to the relative comfort of their lives at One.

Only people from One are sent to Five? (I honestly don't remember how you have it constructed.)

Madeline, coming from a position at Adrian’s side, had more reason than most to believe she would receive a reprieve, and perhaps that’s that was why realisation, when it came, was so difficult to deal with.

And the day to day horrors that had stolen the hopes of so many others became commonplace.

day-to-day

But to those accustomed to using Five as a sort of Abeyance, it was not only inconceivable, it was unacceptable.

I don't think abeyance is capitalized.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 2 (long)


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:23:57 07/20/03 Sun

Madeline blinked in the darkness, looking for movement in the shadows. Something had disturbed her sleep; drawn her out of a fitful dream and back into harsh reality. Neither option was particularly pleasing, but, in general, dreams didn’t get you killed.

Moving slowly, her eyes focused on the supposed emptiness, she reached under her pillow, grasping the cold hard metal of the gun in her hand. Armed, she rose as silently as possible, cursing the irritating squeak of her Section issue cot. This time, that irritant might get her killed.

Madeline paused in the darkness, waiting for a reaction to the noise, but none came. Crossing the short distance to the door, she peered out the port-hole-like window – still no movement. Perhaps she had been dreaming.

No. Something was wrong. She was certain.

Pulling open the door to her quarters, she checked the corridor, then stepped out, letting out a hiss of air as her stocking feet hit the cold concrete of the hallway. Her breath was visible even in the darkness, and she mentally cursed the penny-pushers at Centre, who insisted that the heating systems be set to minimal during sleep shifts.

As she crept further down the corridor, she began to see evidence that her suspicions were correct, or at least that other people shared them. Doors were ajar throughout the habitat area; beds empty, boots and clothing untouched in their storage bins.

Madeline smiled despite her concerns. The men and women of Five had little in common, but if there was one thing that they shared, it was their suspicion that someone was always trying to kill them – and more often than not, their suspicions were correct.

Tonight was no exception.

Madeline paused in her journey as something on the far side of the corridor caught her eye. A body lay unmoving against the wall, one arm twisted awkwardly behind its back, the other across its chest, seemingly trying to staunch a wound. She crossed the corridor towards it, stepping carefully around the puddle of blood that had pooled around it. Tilting the head upwards, she identified the owner as one of their own, and cursed silently. The slaughter had already begun.

Leaving the body, she resumed her course, even more alert for movement and sound. Several more bodies lay along her path, and she identified each one in passing, noting with dismay that even some of the best had fallen victim to their latest enemy.

When she finally reached Systems, her heart dropped into her stomach. Kemal was dead, his body thrown carelessly into the corner, and the rest of the room was crawling with men. At least five of them stood guard in the entranceway. There was no way she could take on that many men alone – and no way to alert the rest of the station with Systems in their control.

Moving back down the hallway in the direction she’d come, Madeline pressed herself against the wall, crouching down with her gun in her lap. This place was a glorified abeyance mission. She’d known that coming in – but seeing how they lived, how poor the security was, she wondered how they survived at all; how she’d survived this long.

Looking back up the hallway, she saw a figure coming towards her in the shadows. Her finger on the trigger of her weapon, she remained still, watching it approach. It moved stealthy, much like she had a few minutes earlier and halfway down the corridor, it paused, apparently catching sight of her at the end of the hall.

Picking up speed, the figure resumed its approach. As it came out of the shadows for a moment, she let out a relieved sigh, even smiling at the figure through the darkness. If there was one of her comrades that she wanted by her side in this kind of fight, it was this one.

Crouching down next to her against the wall, Petrosian glanced quickly towards Systems, failing to hide a pained grimace behind his usual cheerful demeanour – Kemal had been his friend. “How the hell do things like this happen?” he grunted angrily, laying his own weapon across his knees.

“We’re the forgotten, Egran,” Madeline muttered. “No one at One cares if we live or die.”

“Clearly. Do they truly believe we can bring down the USSR with these resources? They need to change their priorities,” Egran grumbled, scratching at the stubble on his chin.

Even in the current situation, Madeline couldn’t resist a smile. “I’ll be sure to mention that in my next report to One, as long as you do the same.”

Egran snorted. “Point taken,” he grinned. “So, my dear, how are we going to get out of this one?”

Madeline shook her head, glancing back at Systems, then up the corridor towards the habitat ring. “Is anyone else alive?”

“No idea. We have to assume the guards outside are dead. I counted six more in the hallway. We’re eight. Kemal was nine,” he frowned again, slamming his fist against his knee. “I promised I’d protect him – he wasn’t a fighter. Don’t know how he got up here anyway,” Egran muttered, finishing off with a curse in Russian.

“Same way any of us did, Egran.” She paused, giving him a moment to pull himself together. “That leaves six of us…”

Egran swore again, this time more forcefully. “No,” he said gruffly, gesturing towards Systems. “That leaves five. It seems we had a mole.” He growled softly, and Madeline placed a hand on his knee, hoping to calm him. She followed his gaze into Systems, and saw Jerry, Kemal’s assistant, helping the intruders.

“Well, that explains how they got in.”

“Among other things.”

“Five operatives – assuming we can find the others. We need options, Egran. Quickly.”

“If we can bypass Systems, we can get to secondary weapons lockup. “

“That doesn’t do us much good – two people and a dozen guns is just as ineffective.”

“True.”

“But…” Madeline’s mind started to process, a mental map of Five forming in her mind. If they could bypass Systems, not only could they get to weapons, but to the generator; they could shut down the entire place – or better, destroy it. “The generator.”

“Ah, brilliant!” Egran smiled, then frowned. “But if we blow the compound – how will we survive?”

Madeline shrugged, nodding towards the group of heavily armed men in the other room. “A few more minutes, and that point will be moot. You think they’re here playing computer games? We’ve got to keep them from leaving here with any information. “

“All right.” He paused, gripping her hand in his. “I’ll warn the others – they deserve a chance….”

She nodded grimly, and they both started off towards the habitat ring, glancing backwards several times to make sure they weren’t seen.

Safely in her quarters, Madeline pulled on her boots, but stopped short of her heavy jacket and gloves. If she was going to move with stealth, she needed to be as unencumbered as possible. The generator was several levels below their current position, the chances of her escaping once the charges were set close to nil, there was no point in her dressing for that possibility.

The other four were waiting for her at the far end of the habitat area, far away from the view of those in Systems. The remaining three operatives looked frightened, and Madeline didn’t blame them. But their wide-eyed fear belied the fact that they were well trained operatives – all of whom had the scars, emotional and physical, that came with time at Five. They steadied themselves at her approach, and the fear vanished.

Good.

“I assume Egran briefed you.” They nodded. “He and I will take out the generator – you three grab some survival kits, and get the hell out of here.” She raised a hand as one of them started to speak. “We can’t fight our way out of this. If we want to survive, we’ve got to run – this is our best chance. But I, for one, have no intention of letting those bastards get away. Don’t worry.” She smiled at Egran, and he nodded, hefting his gun in a mock show of force. She noted he also wasn’t wearing his coat, but had armed himself with several grenades. “Try and contact the Agency, or One, once you’re out of range and out of danger – Egran and I will meet you once we’re done here.”

Even as she said it, she knew they didn’t believe her. But they also knew that it was their only option, and they’d learned from experience that arguing with her, or Egran, was impossible and would only waste precious time.

“Now go,” she said, and they went, heading off in the opposite direction towards the storage area, and hopefully, safety.

She met Egran’s gaze and he shrugged, gesturing that she should lead. They retraced their steps to the corridor outside Systems, then left towards the maintenance tunnels that served the compound. They used the tunnels to reach their destination, dropping down into the hallway outside the weapons lock up.

They took down the guards easily, the element of surprise on their side. Unguarded, the only difficulty that remained was the access code – it was unlikely that they’d been careless enough to maintain the current one. With a quick glance at Madeline for confirmation, Egran took out that problem quickly, using his gun to shoot out the mechanism, and force open the door.

Taking the charges they’d need, they made their way towards the generator room, keeping an eye out behind them for additional guards or anyone who managed to get downstairs quickly. They were almost there when shots rang out behind them.

“So close!” Egran grunted, steadying himself against the wall and firing back. One of their targets fell, his weapon clattering to ground.

“We can still make it.”

They broke into a run, dodging shots, and firing themselves. Finally, they pushed through the door to the generator room, taking out two of their pursuers before barricading the door behind them.

“It won’t hold them long, can you set the charges?” Egran called.

“Yes. How many were left out there?”

“Five maybe. More on the way I’m sure. Why?”

“There goes our exit.” Madeline smiled wanly, meeting Egran’s eye.

“You didn’t really think...” he began, stunned.

“No,” she cut him off, working at setting the charges on the generator. “But it was nice to have the option of trying.”

Egran chuckled. “Ever the optimist.”

“That’s me.”

Their pursuers pounded at the door, by this time well aware of what the interlopers were plotting. Madeline placed the charges quickly, setting a five minute countdown to ensure that their comrades were able to get clear in time. Then, settling herself next to Egran, she levelled her weapon at the door.

That lasted all of ten seconds, then their eyes met and they were up again, unbarring the door. Once again they had the element of surprise on their side – the men outside the door weren’t expecting their prey to come to them. As a result, Madeline and Egran were able to take out three men before the others even opened fire.

A shot grazed Madeline’s shoulder, and she hit the wall , sliding down it until she was seated. Egran moved to come to her, but she waved him away, continuing to fire with her good arm at the men approaching. When the last man fell, Egran left his position of safety and came to her.

“How much time?”

“Don’t know. Two minutes, maybe.”

“Let’s get out of here then.”

Madeline shook her head. “We’ll never make it.”

“Sure we will,” Egran smiled, pulling her up and starting to run down the hallway with her hand in his. “We’re both too crazy to die!”

When he was confident she was following, he dropped her hand and they ran side by side door the corridors, and up the stairs. They felt, rather than heard the first explosion when it hit. Madeline fell to the ground, her injured shoulder grinding against the already falling rubble painfully as she landed.

Surprised she was alive at all, she looked back quickly to find Egran. She saw him struggling to get up, crawling through the rubble towards her. As her gaze shifted to look for danger, she saw it – a ceiling beam had come loose, and was perilously close to falling.

She tried to wave him out of the way, but couldn’t move, her one arm paralysed beneath her, her other immobilized by the gunshot. It seemed to fall in slow motion as she screamed his name.

“Egran!” Following her gaze to the beam, his eyes widened only a moment before he rolled himself sideways; a split second before it crashed to the ground. “Egran?”

A moan came from the other end of the hall. “Am I dead?”

Chuckling wryly, Madeline lay her head down on her arms; exhaustion accompanying relief. “You’re not dead.”

“That’s too bad.” Another moan, this one accompanied by the sound of struggles in the rubble. “I think dead might be preferable.”

“I can’t move yet…How badly are you hurt?” Her own right arm was useless, but the wound itself was staunched by dust and dried blood. A deep breath indicated several broken ribs, and likely severe bruising elsewhere, but she was alive. “Egran?”

“Bruised ribs, not broken - I don’t think,” he called weakly. “And…My leg is broken, probably in several places. Didn’t quite beat that ceiling joist – grazed me on its way down.”

“Shit.”

“That, my dear, is an understatement.” He laughed. “Looks like we survived the explosion only to bleed to death.”

“What happened to, ‘too crazy to die’?”

“It’s possible I spoke to soon.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Your optimism continues to astound me.” He paused, and she heard him shift in the rubble once more. “What do you propose we do?”

“We need to get out of here.” Raising her head with difficulty, she looked towards where she’d last seen Egran fall. “Can you show me where you are? Wave a hand.”

His hand raised slowly, right where she’d expected him to be, but accompanied by a grunt of pain. “Apparently, my shoulder is also badly bruised.”

“All right. Hang in there. I’m coming your way.” Pushing herself to her knees, she made her way carefully through the rubble, favouring her shoulder.

“You’re insane.”

“I didn’t survive this long to give up now. I didn’t think you had either.”

Silence, then a sigh. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Neither do I,” she said softly, coming up beside him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “But we can’t let them win.”

“No,” he smiled. “ I guess we can’t, can we?”

Helping him to a sitting position, she surveyed his injuries. His leg was definitely broken, but fortunately, not crushed. The beam had hit his leg as he rolled, opening a gash from knee to ankle to go with any broken bones, but it hadn’t pinned him.

“We’re going to have to stand.” Disbelief shone on his face, and she smiled. “Carefully. I sure as hell can’t carry you in this condition.”

“Lazy Westerner…” he said with a smirk. “Won’t even try….”

Rolling her eyes, she helped Egran to his feet, fighting to keep her own balance as he leaned on her heavily. As his arm came around her mid-section and tighten, she grunted audibly, stumbling back against the wall in agony. “Okay…little lighter on the ribs.“

“Are you sure we can do this?” he asked, his tone catching as he tried to put pressure on his injured leg.

“No.” She clenched her jaw, pushing away from the wall, and ignoring the pain in her ribs. “Let’s go.”

Slowly, they inched their way through the destruction, stepping over debris and skirting around fallen pieces of ceiling and concrete. More than once they stopped, leaning heavily against the wall, holding each other up – knowing that if they sat, they’d never move again. Pain shot through Madeline’s shoulder and ribs, but she pushed it aside, focusing on one step at a time.

“Madeline?” Egran panted, lifting an arm to point in the direction they were heading. She laughed at the sight, falling to her knees. Main Access was before them; the door ajar, bitter wind blowing snow through the opening. But on the other side, a light shone.

“The bloody light at the end of the tunnel.” She grinned, taking a deep breath, and immediately regretting it. “Oh god....” All the pain she’d been avoiding during their journey washed over her, and she swallowed back bile, black dots dancing before her eyes. She barely heard Egran’s reply.

“I suppose this would be the wrong time to mention it could be another type of light...” he said, his hand resting on her shoulder. There was silence then, and she could feel his eyes on her, expectant.

“I can’t go any further,” she said softly, and was surprised to find tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t, it hurts too much.” Black clouded her vision. She felt, rather than saw him slid down the wall, seating himself next to her.

“We’ll stay here a few minutes. Rest. We’ve made it this far…” His arm tightened across her shoulders, gentle, yet firm on her injured one, holding her close against his chest. “You got us this far.”

“So tired,” she sighed. “Can’t sleep. Need to stay awake.”

“That’s right. Stay with me. Come on, Madeline. Or I’ll drag you out into the cold.”

“Cold now. Hardly a threat.”

“Okay…you’ve got me on that one. But keep talking to me. We need to find the others…”

“If they made it.”

“They made it.”

“Whose the optimist now?”

“I’m the one who saw the light….”

The sharp wind grew stronger, and Madeline shivered, pulling herself unconsciously closer to Egran. “Hey,” he said, and she looked up. His gaze was focused on the doorway. “Looks like they found us.”

Sitting up painfully, she followed his gaze back to the door, where two figures in Section issue parkas were pushing their way through the door. They paused, gazing around the corridor, until their eyes came to the two of them sitting on the floor.

“You’re alive! Thank god!”

With one final glance down the hall, the two joined them on the floor, eyes wide. “We thought….That is – we assumed….”

“You were almost correct. “ Leaning heavily against the wall, Madeline blinked away the black spots in her eyes. Her mind suddenly clear. “Anyone else left alive?”

“Intruders are all dead – we checked that first; once we saw the explosion. Ben is back at the shelter,” Chris said, pointing vaguely west. “We set it up a couple of miles from here – middle of fucking no-where; basically in a snow bank. We’re gunna need supplies - soon. We came back to see what we could salvage.” He scratched his head nervously, shifting his eyes to his companion. Natasha looked back at him, clearly nervous. “We didn’t expect to be salvaging you.”

“What are you not telling us?”

"We were searching the bodies, trying to figure out who it was...." Natasha paused, shifting nervously.

"And..." Madeline prompted.

"The weapons were high-tech. Nothing we've seen on the locals before. Too fancy. Too complicated."

Looking over at Chris, she reached into her jacket, pulled out a gun, and tossed it on Egran's lap.

"I don't know about you," Chris said, as Madeline clenched the familiar weapon in her hand. "But I've only seen shit like that in one place."

Tightening her grip until her fingers ached, she twisted carefully to meet Egran's eye. "Section One."

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[> [> Subject: beta stuff


Author:
jean
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Date Posted: 19:13:37 07/20/03 Sun

"...stepping carefully around the puddle of blood that had pooled around it."

My 310 writing teacher would go on at great lengths about how there were no 'puddles' or 'pools' of blood allowed in the class. For what that's worth. He's rather a nutter. Heh. That aside, me, I'd go with "...the blood that had pooled..."

-----
".. even more alert for movement and sound. Several more bodies lay along her path, and she identified each one in passing, noting with dismay that even some.."

'even' jumped out at me; try cutting one
----

there are many strong dialogue tags in a small space: grunted, muttered, grumbled, grinned, etc. etc. "said" is great -- use the other ones sparingly.
--------
speaking of dialogue, you've got some great banter here.

“We’re the forgotten, Egran,” <-- so Madeline
---------
"..using his gun to shoot out the mechanism, and force open..."

no comma
---------

"A shot grazed Madeline’s shoulder, and she hit the wall , sliding down..."

there's a space issue (typo) around that comma...
------
"When he was confident she was following, he dropped her hand and they ran ...."

POV confusion

-----

“It’s possible I spoke to soon.”

too
----
"...opening a gash from knee to ankle to go with any broken bones..."

huh? a mite confusing here with all those 'to's
----

“Whose the optimist now?”

who's
----

Good punch at the end.

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 2 (long)


Author:
Nestra
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 15:03:40 07/22/03 Tue

Moving slowly, her eyes focused on the supposed emptiness, she reached under her pillow, grasping the cold hard metal of the gun in her hand.

What else would she grasp it with? You could cut "in her hand".

she mentally cursed the penny-pushers at Centre, who insisted that the heating systems be set to minimal during sleep shifts.

It's not just penny-pushing, though, is it? It's also part of the whole demoralization that is Five.

Tilting the head upwards, she identified the owner as one of their own, and cursed silently.

I think she'd identify the body with a name.

When she finally reached Systems, her heart dropped into her stomach. Kemal was dead, his body thrown carelessly into the corner, and the rest of the room was crawling with men. At least five of them stood guard in the entranceway. There was no way she could take on that many men alone – and no way to alert the rest of the station with Systems in their control.

If there are five men on guard, where is she standing that allows her to remain unnoticed?

It moved stealthy steathily, much like she had a few minutes earlier comma and halfway down the corridor, it paused, apparently catching sight of her at the end of the hall.

If he catches sight of her, why doesn't she react? She doesn't know that it's a baddie, but she doesn't know yet that it's a friend either.

Crouching down next to her against the wall, Petrosian glanced quickly towards Systems, failing to hide a pained grimace behind his usual cheerful demeanour – Kemal had been his friend.

They can see Systems from where they are? Sorry to nitpick; I'd just like the layout to be a little clearer.

Egran snorted. “Point taken,” he grinned. “So, my dear, how are we going to get out of this one?”

Technically speaking, "grinned" isn't really a dialogue tag. You can't grin and talk. ;-)

“No idea. We have to assume the guards outside are dead. I counted six more in the hallway. We’re eight. Kemal was nine,” he frowned again, slamming his fist against his knee.

End the sentence after "nine" and start a new one with "He".

“That doesn’t do us much good – two people and a dozen guns is just as ineffective.”

As ineffective as what?

Madeline shrugged, nodding towards the group of heavily armed men in the other room.

heavily-armed

“A few more minutes, and that point will be moot. You think they’re here playing computer games? We’ve got to keep them from leaving here with any information. “

cut "here" from after "leaving"

The generator was several levels below their current position, the chances of her escaping once the charges were set close to nil, there was no point in her dressing for that possibility.

You've got three separate sentences there separated by commas. Needs to be semicolons, and I'd try to stick an "and" in there somewhere. ;-)

But their wide-eyed fear belied the fact that they were well trained operatives

well-trained

dropping down into the hallway outside the weapons lock up.

lockup or lock-up, I think.

Unguarded, the only difficulty that remained was the access code

Your "unguarded" is hanging out there. Try "With the room unguarded..."

Egran took out that problem quickly, using his gun to shoot out the mechanism, and force open the door.

Did he use his gun to force the door? If so, take out the comma. If not, change to "forced".

or anyone who managed to get downstairs quickly.

who'd managed

One of their targets fell, his weapon clattering to ground.

to the ground.

“We can still make it.”

They broke into a run, dodging shots, and firing themselves. Finally, they pushed through the door to the generator room, taking out two of their pursuers before barricading the door behind them.

I think you could liven up this sequence, make it a little more tactile. They're fighting for their lives at this point, and defending their home turf. Hearts should be pounding.

“Five maybe. More on the way I’m sure. Why?”

Five, maybe. More on the way, I'm sure.

“There goes our exit.” Madeline smiled wanly, meeting Egran’s eye.

Only one of his eyes? ;-) This is something I struggle with a lot - I find myself always having people look, or gaze, or talking about the expression in someone's eyes. Anyway, the one-eyed thing startled me. ;-)

That lasted all of ten seconds, then their eyes met and they were up again, unbarring the door. Once again they had the element of surprise on their side – the men outside the door weren’t expecting their prey to come to them. As a result, Madeline and Egran were able to take out three men before the others even opened fire.

I sort of missed what happened here - did they decide, unspokenly, to charge the door? If so, you might try to indicate it a little more.

“Let’s get out of here comma then.”

“Sure we will,” Egran smiled,

Smiled isn't a dialogue tag.

“We’re both too crazy to die!”

Heh. Great line.

they ran side by side door the corridors,

Um, through the corridors, right?

Madeline fell to the ground, her injured shoulder grinding against the already falling rubble painfully as she landed.

I found "already falling rubble painfully" a little awkward.

Following her gaze to the beam, his eyes widened only a moment before he rolled himself sideways; a split second before it crashed to the ground.

That semi-colon should be a comma.

Madeline lay her head down on her arms; exhaustion accompanying relief.

"laid", not lay, and the semi-colon should be a comma.

“We need to get out of here.” Raising her head with difficulty, she looked towards where she’d last seen Egran fall.

Cut either "last" or "fall."

As his arm came around her mid-section and tighten, she grunted audibly,

Can you grunt inaudibly?

“I suppose this would be the wrong time to mention it could be another type of light...” he said, his hand resting on her shoulder.

Heh.

She felt, rather than saw him slid down the wall, seating himself next to her.

"slide", not slid.

“Whose the optimist now?”

Who's

His gaze was focused on the doorway. “Looks like they found us.”

Sitting up painfully, she followed his gaze back to the door,


That's two "gazes" in two sentences.

where two figures in Section issue parkas

Section-issue

They paused, gazing around the corridor, until their eyes came to the two of them sitting on the floor.

There's another "gaze".

Her mind suddenly clear.

Her mind suddenly cleared.

“Intruders are all dead – we checked that first; once we saw the explosion.

semi-colon should be a comma.

Looking over at Chris, she reached into her jacket, pulled out a gun, and tossed it on Egran's lap.

tossed it onto

Tightening her grip until her fingers ached, she twisted carefully to meet Egran's eye. "Section One."

The end's got a great punch. That's quite an action scene.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 3


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:25:36 07/20/03 Sun

“Bastard!!” Egran growled, hands clenched around the metal bars of the cot.

Ben flinched, looking up at Madeline. He worried his lip in consternation as he met her eye, and she shrugged, giving him a wink. “It’s all right.”

She smiled at the young man and was pleased when he grinned back, even if it did seem a little forced. Seating herself on the cot next to Egran’s, she considered the young man crouched on the floor between the beds. Ben’s nervousness and naivety continued to shock Madeline. Even the most unseasoned operative arriving at Section One was more raw and angry then Ben. It didn’t seem possible that he could have gotten himself banished to Five.

It didn’t seem right.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Egran said as Ben stood. The younger man looked almost eagerly at Madeline, and she nodded assent, giving him permission to leave.

Her eyes followed him from the room, and as the curtain closed behind him, she sighed, hand coming up to rub at her aching shoulder. “Just thinking about Ben.”

“Strange boy,” he smirked suddenly, and Madeline saw the glint in his eye. “Seems to like you though.”

“It’s more like hero worship. I didn’t sign up to be a hero.”

“Didn’t really sign up at all, did you?”

Shaking her head sadly, she glanced quickly towards the other room, looking for movement in the dim light. “You think they’re sleeping?”

“Doubt it. Personally, I’m wondering if I’ll ever sleep again.”

“You and me both.”

“What the hell are we going to do?” Egran said, pulling himself backwards onto the cot so he was leaning against the wall.

“Big picture, or small?

“Both.”

“Small; we’re going to contact Centre, tell them we’re alive, and get them to pull us out. We can’t live like this. We certainly can’t run missions like this.” She gestured to the shelter around them, flimsy walls wavering as the wind buffeted them.

Egran scoffed. “You know what just happened here, and you think they care?”

“I don’t think Centre was involved,” Madeline replied, meeting his eye levelly.

“No?” He paused, studying her, and she waited for the pieces to fit together in his mind as well. She didn’t have to wait long. “You think it was One, acting alone?”

“Yes.”

“A little extreme, even for Adrian, don’t you think?”

“Maybe. But the pieces fit. Jerry was pushing paper when I left One. Hadn’t rocked the boat a day in his life. The guns – “

“Could have been planted.”

“Possibly – but if what Chris said was true, One was keeping a tight rein on this particular prototype. Specific, top secret missions only. Special assignments.”

“It still could have been Centre ordered. We can’t assume One acted alone.”

“Maybe not alone – but I’m willing to bet it wasn’t sanctioned. You read the reports – Centre was happy with our performance. Shocked as hell, but happy. What possible reason would they have to destroy us?”

“You’re looking for logic, Madeline….”

“The Sections, on the other hand, use this place as a repository for their trash. Can’t have the trash being too comfortable, becoming an elite force, actually succeeding at something, now can you?”

“I see your point. But - “

“What do we do about it?”

“Exactly.”

“Not sure yet. Little problems first, okay?”

“Okay.”

Working her arm out of the sling, Madeline tossed it on the floor next to the bed, flexing the arm slightly in spite of the pain. “He’s really not a bad medic. You just made him nervous.”

“It bloody hurts.”

“At least it’s not actually broken.” She took a deep breath, favouring her ribs. Pain shot through her anyways, and she clenched a fist against her knee, closing her eyes as she waited for it to pass. “We thought it was,” she said quietly, letting her eyes flutter open as the pain ebbed. “ You were lucky.”

“So were you.” He pushed himself forward on his cot, seating himself on the edge. Reaching out a hand, he traced a finger along her bandaged shoulder, then along her ribs. “These could have been much worse.”

“We’ll have to decide on some sort of plan tomorrow.”

Egran grunted, turning towards the curtained doorway. “They’ll be expecting it.”

“Yes.” Laying down on the cot, Madeline grunted in pain. “I suppose we should try and sleep.”

“I suppose.” The cot creaked as he extinguished the lamp, then lay down, cursing as his leg hit the sidebar.

“Egran?”

“Mmmm?”

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Before, in the compound.”

“We helped each other.”

“Yes. But – “ She stopped, her voice catching. Struggling to a sitting position, she crossed the short distance between the cots, kneeling at eye-level with Egran. He stared at her, shock and disbelief crossing his face; and then something else – a reflection of her own fear, her own frustration, her own pain. “Just – thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said softly, shifting slightly under his blanket to find a more comfortable position. She moved towards her own cot, and he caught her hand, drawing her attention back to him. As their eyes met, his hand tightened around hers, an unspoken need in his eyes.

Surprising herself, Madeline allowed him to tug her gently forward until her hips brushed the rail of the cot. Rising, she seated herself on its edge, feeling his hand brush along her thigh as he made room for her next to him and pulled back the blanket. Sliding underneath, she let out a hiss of air as pain shot through her ribs.

“You all right?” Egran asked, his arm coming around cradle her against his shoulder.

Taking a shallow breath, she nodded, laying her head and injured arm against his chest. “Yeah. Just hurts to move.”

“I don’t think we’ll need to move for a while.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” he chuckled, settling a hand into the small of her back. His touch was firm, his laughter creating a vibration against her cheek.

Sighing, Madeline closed her eyes, trying, but failing, to relax against him. Images of the day’s events flickered behind her closed eyes and she flinched, sending pain shooting through her shoulder. “Dammit…” she swore, feeling his arm tighten across her back. “I can’t do this.”

Rolling out of his grip, she sat back up on the edge of the cot, arms folded across her ribs as pain washed over her. “I can’t sleep,” she snapped, frustrated. “There’s too much on my mind to even try.”

“Madeline…” Egran began, his hand gripping her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she shook him off, standing gingerly and returning to her own cot. “Get some sleep, Egran.”

“They’re there, aren’t they? Every time you close your eyes – Kemal, Tracey, Richard. All of them.” He was sitting up now, trying to meet her gaze.

She shook her head, then met his eye, seeing his obvious pain, and how it matched her own. “Yes,” she said quietly, dropping her eyes to the floor. “I’m used to being strong, Egran. But sometimes – “

“It’s too much.”

“Yes.”

“You’re not alone. “

“Are you sure?”

“Madeline…” His tone was that of a reprimand, and she smiled in spite of herself.

“Egran,” she said firmly, lifting her eyes. “I need to be strong.”

“Why?”

“To get those kids out of here,” she snapped, glaring across at Egran. He met her stare for stare, cocking his head slightly at her tone.

“No,” he began. “Why do you need to be strong with me? We’ve been in this together since we were brought to this hellhole, Madeline. What’s changed now?”

Need, Egran.” She paused, studying his eyes. He gazed back confidently, yet his own feelings flashed behind the surface. His own frustration, his own guilt, his own pain. Taking a deep breath, she continued, dragging the confession from deep within. “If I stop being strong, even for one moment, I’ll lose focus, and those kids will die.”

“It won’t happen,” he said, rising carefully and crossing the distance between the cots. He flinched slightly as settled next to her, his leg clearly paining him. “I won’t let it.”

Touching the side of his face, she surprised herself by kissing him; gently at first, then more fiercely, fist clenched around the material of his shirt, pulling him closer. He responded, fingers trailing across her ribs carefully; his touch delicate as his hands slid around to cradle her shoulders and lower her onto the cot.

The cot groaned slightly under their combined weight, a dull creak that hid her groan. Her torso throbbed in distress, even as her body arched towards his in the darkness. The pain passed, and pleasure consumed; dishevelled clothing pulled aside to allow skin to brush skin, stifled moans of uncertain cause, breathless moans that came one upon the other. And in the end, ecstasy and agony collided, leaving them breathless and aching, wrapped around each other in the darkness.

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 3


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:53:24 07/22/03 Tue

Ben’s nervousness and naivety continued to shock Madeline.

naivete. And there's an accent on the end, but that's god knows how much trouble in HTML. ;-)

“Penny for your thoughts?” Egran said as Ben stood. The younger man looked almost eagerly at Madeline, and she nodded assent, giving him permission to leave.

"assent" isn't necessary - it's implied in "nodded".

comma though.”

“Small; we’re going to contact Centre, tell them we’re alive, and get them to pull us out.

Colon after "small".

“I don’t think Centre was involved,” Madeline replied, meeting his eye levelly.

There's his singular eye again.

“It still could have been Centre ordered.

Centre-ordered, or ordered by Centre.

“Yes.” Laying down on the cot,

Lying down.

“You all right?” Egran asked, his arm coming around cradle her against his shoulder.

Coming around to cradle her.

She shook her head, then met his eye,

"his eye" again. ;-)

Touching the side of his face, she surprised herself by kissing him; gently at first, then more fiercely, fist clenched around the material of his shirt, pulling him closer.

That semi-colon needs to be something else. A dash, maybe, or even a comma.

He responded, fingers trailing across her ribs carefully; his touch delicate as his hands slid around to cradle her shoulders and lower her onto the cot.

Semi-colon should be a comma.

And in the end, ecstasy and agony collided, leaving them breathless and aching, wrapped around each other in the darkness.

Nice atmospheric ending.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 4


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:27:01 07/20/03 Sun

Madeline awoke before dawn and rose, twisting out of Egran’s arms. Seated on the edge of the cot opposite, she watched him sleep; the rise and fall of his chest steady beneath the blanket.

She’d expected to regret their impulsive behaviour, to want to skulk away into the snow. But instead of guilt, she felt an odd sense of relief. It wasn’t that she’d wanted this to happen, that she’d even considered it; it was more a feeling of shared strength. As if last night’s impetuousness had sealed something between them.

Running a hand through tangled hair, she flinched at the pain in her ribs. They were still extremely painful, perhaps even more so since the activity of the night before, but her mind was more focussed, more able to shove the pain aside.

Doing that, she stood, walking to the curtained partition and pulling it aside. Natasha lay curled up on a cot on the far side of the other room, blanket wrapped tightly around her body. The young men sat at the table in the centre, a frayed deck of cards and a pile of cashews between them. Rumpled clothing and dark-rimmed eyes spoke of lack of sleep, almost as much as their frequent yawns.

“Mornin’,” Chris called softly, stealing a cashew from the centre pile, and tossing it into his mouth. Ben turned in his chair, smiling up at her. “You look like shit,” Chris continued, cocking his head as a crooked smile lit up his face.

“You don’t look so hot yourself. You boys sleep at all?” Letting the curtain fall behind her, she entered, pulling a chair up the table, and glancing quickly at Ben’s hand. He was going to lose.

“No,” Chris replied, the smile turning to a smirk. “Just Natasha – and I think she’s faking ‘cause she was losing at cards.”

Chris faked it well, but she knew he was worried. His fingers tapped nervously on the table near where he’d placed his gun, and he frequently glanced behind him towards the door, as if expecting an attack at any moment.

“You did a good job,” she said, then placed her hand on theirs. “Get some sleep. We’ve got a big day – but you can get a couple of hours in.”

“I don’t think I could – “ Chris began, pulling his hand away.

“Do it, or I’ll drug you. You’re useless to me without sleep.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Chris still managed to grin as he pushed back his chair, but it was forced. The flash in his eyes told her he believed she’d actually drug him.

Good, she thought, turning her gaze to Ben. “And you?”

“Going,” he said nervously, rising from the table. Even he managed a small smile as he headed for his cot, and Madeline smiled in return, even giving him a small wink.

Once they were settled, she stood again, taking Chris’ gun off the table and tucking it into the waist band of her pants. Turning down out one of the two lamps that lit the room, she set the other at the centre of the table, taking the seat facing the door.

“Need company?” Egran said softly as he limped into the room.

She nodded, gesturing to the seat across from her, and he took it, turning it around so he could straddle it, resting his chin on his arms.

“They were up all night?” he asked, gesturing to the sleeping forms around them.

She nodded, shuffling the cards idly in her hands. She kept her voice low, hoping not to disturb her comrades. “Hopefully they can get a couple hours sleep before we have to trek back to the compound.”

“You think it’s safe?”

“We need to contact Centre. We have to chance it.”

“Are you going to tell them our suspicions?”

“No. Not directly. We’ll inform Centre of our position, let them send in a team to rebuild, or pull us out.”

“And we do nothing?” He sounded irritated, his voice rising a little before he caught himself.

“Not quite. I plan to contact George.”

“Why? Why not tell Centre?”

“If we tell them our suspicions about One, and we’re correct, we risk retribution. If we’re wrong – it could be much worse. Bringing only George into the loop cuts that risk significantly. He can uncover the truth, and rein Adrian in on his own – or bring in the Agency, without revealing our involvement.”

“That’s if we’re right. What if we’re wrong?”

“Then he’ll keep quiet.”

“You sound very confident.”

She was silent for a moment, looking at him across the dim light. “I’m not.”

“Then why?”

“It’s our only chance. And besides,” she smiled, placing the Queen of Hearts face-up on the table in front of Egran. “I have a trump card.”

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 4


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:58:42 07/22/03 Tue

Seated on the edge of the cot opposite, she watched him sleep; the rise and fall of his chest steady beneath the blanket.

Semi-colon should be a comma.

Doing that, she stood, walking to the curtained partition and pulling it aside.

I take it no one else heard them having sex last night? ;-)

“No,” Chris replied, the smile turning to a smirk. “Just Natasha – and I think she’s faking ‘cause she was losing at cards.”

Chris faked it well,


Two "fakings" in a row.

tucking it into the waist band of her pants.

waistband is one word, I think.

Turning down out one

down or out, not both. ;-)

“It’s our only chance. And besides,” she smiled, placing the Queen of Hearts face-up on the table in front of Egran. “I have a trump card.”

Heh. Nice visual.

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[> [> Subject: beta stuff


Author:
jean
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Date Posted: 07:28:11 07/23/03 Wed

The young men sat at the table in the centre, a frayed deck of cards and a pile of cashews between them.

I love the small details here. Lovely.

...she entered, pulling a chair up the table, and glancing quickly at Ben’s hand.

no comma after table

And what Dana said about the nice visual. Queen of Hearts.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 5


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:28:04 07/20/03 Sun

They were waiting for George when he arrived. A blast of wind followed him into the bar, disturbing the patrons sitting closest to the door. They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender.

Madeline smiled wryly at Egran across their booth in the corner. The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working. He looked nervously about the smoke-filled room, one hand in the pocket of his coat, probably gripping a weapon, the other clenched at his side.

Egran slid gingerly out of the booth, favouring his injured leg. With a quick nod towards Ben and Natasha, seated at the far side of the room, he approached George, gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting.

One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat, but leaving his one hand clenched in his pocket. Madeline sipped her beer as he approached, recoiling slightly at its pungent taste. It hadn’t been her first choice – or even her fiftieth, but, lacking a decent bottle of Merlot, it was all this dive had to set the mood she wanted; relaxed, casual, and non-threatening.

George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide onto the bench across from her. He hesitated, eyeing Egran warily, but did as she indicated, sitting awkwardly. “We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket. She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth.

With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka. “Charming establishment, Madeline,” he smirked, pouring himself a mug of beer out of the pitcher in the centre of the table. “Your tastes have changed.”

“Mere necessity,” she replied, surveying the room. “It’s unlikely we’ll be disturbed. Or overheard.” She paused, catching his gaze across the table. “Besides, there aren’t a lot of other options this far north – unless you have a fondness for wildlife.”

For a split second, she caught a hint of discomfort in his expression, then it was gone. “And what was important enough to drag me out here? “

“The attack on Five.”

“Is not my concern.”

“We believe it is.” Egran leaned forward in his chair, rolling his glass between his hands. George looked back and forth between them, his expression unreadable.

“If you have some evidence regarding the attack, Centre will look into it. You’re wasting my time. “

“I think it’s better for all concerned if Centre never sees this,” Madeline said, pulling up an knapsack from the bench next to her and placing it on the table before George. “Leave us, Egran?”

Egran nodded, taking a seat at the bar – within view, but outside hearing. He knew her suspicions about One, but she hadn’t been willing to reveal what, exactly, she held over George’s head. Certain secrets, certain weaknesses were more powerful in her hands than anybody else’s.

“Open it,” she said. He hesitated only a moment, then unzipped it, looking inside. “I would leave that in there; they don’t take kindly to weapons in this place.”

“Where did you get this?” he said breathlessly.

“That’s one of at least twelve. We found them after the attack, on the hostiles.”

“But this is - ”

“Section One issue? I know.”

“You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?”

“Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it. I’m just not sure why,” she paused, leaning forward, meeting his gaze levelly. “That’s where you come in.”

“What do you want?”

“If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal, and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.”

“That’s impossible. They were all abeyance - ”

“I don’t care,” she said harshly. “Have the charges dropped. Get them out of here.”

“Why should I help you?” he asked, voice level. Carefully, he pulled the knapsack off the table and down onto the seat next to him.

“Because Centre is going to start asking questions – they already have. If I go to them with this evidence, Adrian won’t survive the inquiry.” She paused, giving him a moment to think about her words, then made sure to meet his gaze before continuing. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.”

“But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, make it vanish – and present irrefutable evidence of Soviet involvement – KGB involvement - in the attack on Five.”

“Adrian is on her own in this,” he said carefully. His voice quavered a bit, and Madeline hid a smile. “She dug her own grave.”

“I thought you might say that.”

“You did.”

“Yes.”

“There’s something else you ought to consider.”

“And that would be?”

“Why I’m here, at Five.” He looked up at her, clearly perplexed, so she continued. “It was more than Adrian’s vendetta. I was a scapegoat.”

“For?”

“Your pet project. The Twins.”

George looked quickly towards where Egran sat at the bar, then back towards her, brow furrowed. “I’m afraid I don’t understand,” he said, but his expression showed that he understood perfectly.

“I did a little research before I left One. Turns out you didn’t have authorization to assign a team to us. They weren’t properly trained – and their use has yet to be condoned by Agency. You went behind their back, through Adrian, and we lost Ryker because of it.”

She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here, and Francis, the muscle behind Ryker’s interrogation, has been cancelled. All evidence that your team was there, erased. All evidence except what I gathered before I left.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“Am I?” Madeline chuckled. “Are you sure?”

George swallowed and paled, looking once more in Egran’s direction. Egran smirked, giving him a wink. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken.

“I can make it all go away, George. I’m willing to remain the scapegoat. I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free. All I want is assurances; all I want is a chance for my people. After all they’ve been through, they deserve it.”

As Madeline moved to rise, Egran joined her, helping her stand. Her ribs screamed in pain, and she bit back a groan, forcing her mouth into a smile for George’s benefit. “We’ll be waiting to hear from you.”

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[> [> Subject: beta stuff


Author:
jean
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Date Posted: 07:46:17 07/23/03 Wed

They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender.

I'm unsure what to think of this sentence. quelled / equally / uncouth Maybe it's just too rich, and so stands out. Maybe just lose either the quelled or the uncouth.

One final quick glance about the room, and he followed,...

no comma after room, I think

pungent beer? Might work, sure. The low-brow term would be skunky. Heh. Or maybe she finds it too bitter -- many people do.

before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth.

With a small smile, George did the same,


she not "her". And two "did the same"s.

Egran nodded, taking a seat at the bar – within view, but outside hearing. He knew her suspicions about One, but she hadn’t been willing to reveal what, exactly, she held over George’s head. Certain secrets, certain weaknesses were more powerful in her hands than anybody else’s.

Especially in the last sentence, this speaks to Egran's POV, not Madeline's. Wicked cool concept, though. Maybe the inclusion of something like "He had agreed with her: certain secrets, certain weaknesses.....etc." (lame example of what I mean)

“Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly ..

typo.

I want to know if its personal,...

It's

to meet his gaze before continuing. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.”

“But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, ...i>

no end quotes after "her" if Madeline is the speaker in the new paragraph.

"...looking once more in Egran’s direction. Egran smirked, giving him a wink. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran..."

At the end here, Egran seems to be "in the know", yet the point was made that he was sent to the bar out of earshot to keep info private between George and Madeline. I think I want to know if Egran is in -- or out -- of the loop. Or maybe he knows some, but not all? Anyhow, I'm a tad confused at this point (which may be what you want...).

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 5


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 09:48:13 07/23/03 Wed

They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender.

before being quelled

The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working.

Why not rephrase the first part of that sentence so it's not passive?

gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting.

where Madeline was sitting.

One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat,

I'd say "unzipping" - is this some weird Canada thing? ;-)

George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide

gesturing for him

“We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket.

Second "gesture" in three sentences.

She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth.

With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka.


“You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?”

I think substation isn't capitalized.

“Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it.

semi-colon should be a comma.

“If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal,

if it's personal

and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.”

Semi-colon could be a dash, I think.

“And, I don’t think you want to lose her.”

Cut the comma.

“But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug,

Cut the comma after "But"

She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here

Cut comma after "so"

“And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken.

“And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim, “if you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five, you’re mistaken.


I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free.

scott-free

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[> [> [> Subject: Er, try this one, with corrected italics. (I knew this would happen at some point...)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 09:51:19 07/23/03 Wed

They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender.

before being quelled

The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working.

Why not rephrase the first part of that sentence so it's not passive?

gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting.

where Madeline was sitting.

One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat,

I'd say "unzipping" - is this some weird Canada thing? ;-)

George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide

gesturing for him

“We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket.

Second "gesture" in three sentences.

She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth.

With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka.


“You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?”

I think substation isn't capitalized.

“Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it.

semi-colon should be a comma.

“If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal,

if it's personal

and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.”

Semi-colon could be a dash, I think.

“And, I don’t think you want to lose her.”

Cut the comma.

“But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug,

Cut the comma after "But"

She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here

Cut comma after "so"

“And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken.

“And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim, “if you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five, you’re mistaken.

I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free.

scott-free

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 6


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:29:14 07/20/03 Sun

The next day dawned bright and clear, a rarity in the north. Standing outside the shelter, Madeline closed her eyes, lifting her face to the sun. It warmed only temporarily, before bitter wind replaced it, but that split second between heat and cold reminded her she was alive.

Something she might not be in a few hours.

The meeting with George had gone well, she thought. But not as well as she’d hoped. In her memory, she seemed desperate, and desperation bred carelessness. Had she been too heavy-handed? Should she have left well enough alone?

A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her thoughts and she opened her eyes, turning to look up at Egran. He stared at her worriedly, and she smiled. At the oddest times, he reminded her of Paul. Paul

“You didn’t tell me how it went yesterday,” he said, pulling her once again out of her own thoughts. “You haven’t spoken much at all.”

“No. I suppose I haven’t.”

“Well?”

“I played my cards. Now we wait.”

“That simple?”

“No,” she paused, closing her eyes for a moment before continuing. But, as she opened her mouth to speak, she found she couldn’t say the words aloud. What if I’ve made a mistake?

“You did what you could,” Egran said, and Madeline wondered for a minute if she had spoken aloud. “You gave them hope. And if it all ends here and now, if George descends with an army, they had that.”

“That’s awfully optimistic.” Madeline smiled, shaking her head.

“Someone has to be.”

They stood in silence, watching clouds blow in from the north, darkening the sky with the threat of snow. The wind grew more bitter and blew harder, and Madeline sighed, pulling her parka tighter.

“It’s going to be another cold one,” Madeline said quietly, stealing a last look at the sun before it was buried by clouds.

“And this surprises you?”

“No. I guess not. Maybe I was just hoping for a lull in the storm.”

“It’s been a rough couple of days,” Egran said, voice pitched to be heard over the wind.

Madeline nodded, then turned towards him. Something else had been troubling her, something other than George; something that, in some ways, seemed far more important. “Egran?”

“Yes?”

“The other night…”

“Nothing needs to be said.” He stepped closer to her, so they didn’t have to speak so loudly over the wind. Pulling off his glove, he reached out a hand to touch her face. “I know what desperation looks like, Madeline. I know what it feels like.”

Relief flooded through her. “Your friendship is important to me, Egran. I can’t afford to lose that. Especially not now.”

He shook his head, chuckling softly. “You haven’t. To tell you the truth, if you hadn’t begun it that night, I probably would have. It felt….safe for a while.”

“Yes. That’s it exactly.”

“So, no regrets.” He smiled, pulling his glove back on. “I’m going to do a quick tour of the perimeter, then head in. You’ll be okay here?”

“Of course.”

As Egran headed off to the west, Madeline turned her gaze back to the clouds. The wind had broken and large flakes of snow had started to fall, drifting easily down through the sky. The world was serene around her, but her mind couldn’t seem to slow; everything that had brought them to this point was fluttering in rampant circles.

In truth, she was beginning to second guess herself again. Despite Egran’s assurances, she still wasn’t completely convinced she hadn’t made a mistake taking on George; that there hadn’t been some other way to bring her team out alive.

She could feel her own desperation and fear eating away at her, and worried that it was that, not reliable intel, that had drawn her into a confrontation with him. Letting her emotions get the better of her had failed her in the past, it had brought her to where she was now, and she hoped that this time, she hadn’t caused four others to suffer with her.

“Madeline.”

Pushing her fears to the back of her mind, Madeline turned, giving the girl before her a small confident grin. “Yes, Natasha?”

Natasha stood shivering in the cold, only a blanket around her shoulders.

“We’ve got a call,” she said, slightly fearfully. “Secure channel. Your eyes only.”

Madeline was in motion before Natasha finished speaking, grasping her arm and pulling her back towards the shelter. “Get your coat,” she ordered, pushing her through the door in front of her. “Find Egran. He went west.”

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[> [> Subject: beta stuff -- six and seven


Author:
jean
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 10:58:41 07/23/03 Wed

But, as she opened her mouth to speak,...

no comma after but

She felt, rather than saw, them take seats close-by ..

She heard them take seats...

...she shook off Egran’s arm. If things ...

typo. put the begin quote in front of If.

“If its your intention to manhandle me...

it's

“I just I want it clear who’s in control here.

typo. cut the second I.

He paused, and nodded past her.

paused, and then nodded....

George filled each of the glasses; the wine glinting blood red within the crystal.

either replace semicolon with comma, or make 'glinting' into 'glinted'.

memories flashed through her mind; bright afternoons in

colon, not semi

She wanted to go home, more than she’d ..

no comma after 'home'. I think.

she caught site of Ben and Chris..

sight

It’s remaining members are to be dispersed among the Sections ..

Its

“The decision was taken out of my hands; and out of Adrian’s.

dash rather than semicolon

Elation, mixed with fear, kept Madeline quiet.

I'd cut both commas here.

But at what level, and position, is purely ..

Same here -- I'd cut the commas.

George turned away, leaving by door in the back.

leaving by the door..

“ You’re white as the snows outside,”

close that space at the front

She smiled gently at then, ..

typo. them.

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 6


Author:
Nestra
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:10:38 07/23/03 Wed

A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her thoughts and she opened her eyes

Comma after thoughts.

At the oddest times, he reminded her of Paul. Paul

Need a period after that second "Paul".

But, as she opened her mouth to speak

Cut the comma after But.

Madeline nodded, then turned towards him. Something else had been troubling her, something other than George; something that, in some ways, seemed far more important.

Semi-colon here needs to be a dash, or maybe start a new sentence.
she still wasn’t completely convinced she hadn’t made a mistake taking on George; that there hadn’t been some other way to bring her team out alive.

Semi-colon should be a comma.

She could feel her own desperation and fear eating away at her, and worried that it was that, not reliable intel, that had drawn her into a confrontation with him.

You could rephrase to make this clearer. "it was that" - "that" has a tendency to be confusing.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 7


Author:
Athena4
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 18:31:00 07/20/03 Sun

This time around, the tables were turned. George was waiting for them when they arrived, seated in the far corner of the bar. A bottle of wine sat before him, two glasses flanking it. At a table to his left sat three operatives, trying to appear as though they belonged. On his right sat two more, these ones not bothering to conceal their interest in the newcomers.

The men tensed as Madeline’s companions entered behind her, forming a loose “V” back towards the door. Ignoring the stabbing pain in her ribs, she took a deep breath, nodding towards her team before approaching George. She felt, rather than saw, them take seats close-by – all but Egran, who grasped her arm.

“Madeline, this is insane. If he’s come here with this much power – Section, it looks like – he’s not here with glad tidings.”

“We’re alive, aren’t we?” She raised an eyebrow, and he nodded. Glancing quickly at George, she shook off Egran’s arm. If things do go wrong, get them out of here. Find a way.”

“Madeline...”

“Just – promise me.”

He nodded, then drifted away towards the table where Natasha sat. Madeline waited until he was seated, then turned back towards George, taking several tentative steps, trying to ignore the shooting pain in her ribs. The two operatives rose to bar her way as she got closer, and she glared at George through the space between them. “If its your intention to manhandle me, I suggest you do it quickly. I’ve never been one for foreplay.”

George smiled, waving the two men away with a hand. They sat obediently, eyes turning towards where Egran and the others sat. “I just I want it clear who’s in control here. Things aren’t quite so clear cut as you thought.” He paused, and nodded past her. “Tell your watchdog to sit, or things may go very badly.”

She turned her glare on Egran, only to find he had already returned to his seat, his fierce gaze a match for her own. “Are we here to talk,” she asked, her attention back on George. “Or to play games?”

“Please, sit.” Reaching for the bottle of wine, George filled each of the glasses; the wine glinting blood red within the crystal. As he pushed it towards her, Madeline lifted hers, bringing it to her lips. Closing her eyes, she inhaled its scent, letting the taste and fragrance overwhelm her. As she did, memories flashed through her mind; bright afternoons in Paris cafes, the quiet solitude of her apartment, candlelit dinners with Paul.

As quickly as they came, they were gone and she opened her eyes, cradling the glass in her palm. “Expensive,” she said, trying to keep the longing from her voice. She wanted to go home, more than she’d ever known, even on her loneliest nights at Five. And the man before her could make that come true.

“I thought you might miss civilisation,” he smiled, settling back in his chair. “So,” he began, taking a slow sip of his wine. “I believe we have a deal to discuss.”

Madeline sipped her wine, uncertainty forming a lump in her throat. To have come this far… Glancing back into the crowd, she caught site of Ben and Chris, a pitcher of beer untouched between them, watching her intently, eyes hopeful.

“We’re alive,” she said, turning back to George. “I presume we’re going to remain that way.”

“If your team is as talented as you claim. Yes. Of course, I can’t guarantee anything beyond their reassignment – you know that.”

It wasn’t a question, but Madeline nodded anyways. “And Adrian?”

George paused, taking a long sip of his wine and looking out into the crowded bar. “She was indeed involved in the attack on Five. But there were factors at play, and other groups, that you’re not aware of, and I’m not at liberty to share.” He stopped, fixing her with a grim stare. “It was not personal.”

“Understood.”

“Your team will be reassigned – but not together. On paper, Centre has made the decision not to resurrect Five. It’s remaining members are to be dispersed among the Sections or into long term assignments. In reality, you’re being isolated. You will be watched. If even a whisper is heard about the attack, you will be dispatched, swiftly and without mercy. Your people have their chance, Madeline. I expect the rest of our bargain to be fulfilled.”

“All evidence will point to the KGB, or some other Soviet undercover organisation. I’ll arrange it myself before we leave the compound.”

“Good. You’ll receive your new assignments in the next day or two. They have yet to be finalised. I suggest you say your goodbyes and give your final pep-talk. You’ll be expected to move quickly.”

Taking one final sip of her wine, she rose to leave, nodding towards George’s lackeys at the nearby table. She had taken several steps in the direction of her team when she heard George dismiss his men.

“Madeline.”

When she turned, he was there, his face inches from hers.

“One assignment has been finalised. You will be returning to One.”

“I thought…”

“The decision was taken out of my hands; and out of Adrian’s. Your cancellation order had been signed and the operatives dispatched, when Agency intervened. It seems you made quite the impression during your time here at Five. They don’t want to waste your…talents…despite your record. They feel you can be re-integrated, and retrained. That you will be valuable to them in the future. They have far more confidence than I do.”

Elation, mixed with fear, kept Madeline quiet. She knew there was more to come. The Agency had saved her life, but at what cost.

“Let there be no doubt, Madeline,” George continued, keeping his voice pitched low. “You remain in disgrace. Any…evidence…that comes to light regarding the incident with the Twins will be quickly cast as a desperate attempt on your part to increase your rank and status in the eyes of Centre. And such an attempt will fail. We’ve made certain of that.”

“By Agency order, you will be returned to active duty. But at what level, and position, is purely at Adrian’s discretion. I suggest you remember that, and that you remember who is truly in control.”

Signalling to his men, George turned away, leaving by door in the back. As soon as she was certain he was gone, Madeline sank back into the seat she’d vacated, tossing back the rest of her wine as though it were something stronger. Staring after George, she didn’t hear the others approach until Egran called her name.

“ You’re white as the snows outside,” he said, casting a worried glance to the others. All three looked nervous, Chris’ fist was clenched at his side. “What the hell happened?”

“Nothing.” She paused, gesturing for them to sit around her. “Nothing that effects you.” She smiled gently at then, and watched the relief cross their faces. “We’re being reassigned.”

“Where?” Ben asked, a small quaver in his voice.

“Not sure. Assignments will come through in a couple of days. We’ll be separated though, and watched. It’s important we keep quiet about what happened here.”

“Why? I thought we won.” Chris this time, his fist clenched on the table top.

“We did.” Natasha responded before Madeline even opened her mouth, putting a hand on Chris’ clenched one. “But only on condition. Silence means we live.” She turned towards Madeline, meeting her eye. “Right?”

“Yes.” Madeline turned towards the young man. “This isn’t a perfect scenario, Chris. But we have a chance – you have a chance. Keep your nose clean, and your mouth shut, and someday, maybe you’ll run the place.”

“Yeah,” he smiled, his hand flattening, and she smiled back. “All right.”

“Good. Let’s go then. We’ve got a lot to do.”

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 7


Author:
Nestra
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:43:08 07/23/03 Wed

On his right sat two more, these ones not bothering to conceal their interest in the newcomers.

Cut "these ones"

She felt, rather than saw,

Seems like you've used this several times in the story already. It's one of those nasty things that can sneak in without your realizing it.

If things do go wrong, get them out of here. Find a way.”

You're missing quotes at the beginning of that.

trying to ignore the shooting pain in her ribs.

I think that's another one of those phrases that keeps cropping up. You might do a read-through and try and rephrase some of them.

“If its your intention to manhandle me, I suggest you do it quickly. I’ve never been one for foreplay.”

"it's". And snerk.

eyes turning towards where Egran and the others sat.

eyes turning towards Egran and the others.

“Are we here to talk,” she asked, her attention back on George. “Or to play games?”

"Are we here to talk, she asked, her attention back on George, "or to play games?"

As she did, memories flashed through her mind; bright afternoons in Paris cafes, the quiet solitude of her apartment, candlelit dinners with Paul.

Colon instead of semi-colon. Nice images there.

As quickly as they came, they were gone comma and she opened her eyes

“I thought you might miss civilisation,” he smiled,

Smiled isn't a dialogue tag.

“So,” he began, taking a slow sip of his wine. “I believe we have a deal to discuss.”

comma after wine instead of period

To have come this far… Glancing back into the crowd, she caught site

sight

It wasn’t a question, but Madeline nodded anyways.

anyway

taking a long sip of his wine

That's the third "sip of wine".

But there were factors at play, and other groups, that you’re not aware of, and I’m not at liberty to share.”

Cut the commas.

He stopped, fixing her with a grim stare. “It was not personal.”

Oh, riiiiight.

It’s remaining members are to be dispersed

Its

Taking one final sip of her wine,

And another sip. This might be a nice place to have her savor it again.

“The decision was taken out of my hands; and out of Adrian’s.

Cut the semi-colon.

Your cancellation order had been signed and the operatives dispatched, when Agency intervened.

Cut the comma.

They feel you can be re-integrated, and retrained.

Cut the comma.

The Agency had saved her life, but at what cost.

End that with a question mark.

“By Agency order, you will be returned to active duty. But at what level, and position, is purely at Adrian’s discretion.

Cut the commas around "and position".

“Nothing that effects you.”

affects

She smiled gently at then, and watched the relief cross their faces.

"them", not "then", and cut the comma.

She turned towards Madeline, meeting her eye.

Singular "eye". *g*

Keep your nose clean, and your mouth shut, and someday, maybe you’ll run the place.”

Nice.

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[> Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 8


Author:
Athena4
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 18:33:10 07/20/03 Sun

A team from Centre arrived the next day to sweep the old compound for evidence of responsibility. A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One.

To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining.

Her concern was unnecessary. To a one, they saw what they had achieved, and what it might cost. They believed in each other, and somehow, they now believed in themselves. She could only hope they survived.

Madeline’s own assignment came in almost a week later, along with Egran’s. Tossing hers into her duffle unopened, she sat on the edge of her cot, waiting for Egran to open his.

“I don’t understand,” Egran said quietly, looking up at her. She waited for him to elaborate, and when he didn’t, crossed to his cot, taking the sheaf of papers from his hand.

Glancing down at them, she understood his confusion, and why he was at a loss for words. He’d been assigned to Section One.

Turning to her, he shook his head as though that would allay his confusion. “You said we were being separated. You said you’d been assigned back to One. What’s changed?”

“Maybe…” Putting Egran’s papers down on the cot, she reached for her own envelope, tearing it open. Hers showed the same thing, reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her up before dawn. “No. Mine hasn’t changed. We’re both heading to One.”

“But…”

“I don’t know, Egran. There are hundreds of places...There must be a reason.”

“Why me? Of all of us, aren’t I the most dangerous to pair with you?”

“Maybe that’s the point.”

“What?”

Standing, Madeline returned to her own cot, tossing her orders back in her duffle. “Maybe that’s what they want. They’re hoping we’ll do something so they’ll be forced to cancel us.”

“You think that’s likely?”

Madeline shrugged. “As likely as anything, I suppose.” She paused, sighing. “I don’t know the reason, Egran. But it can’t be good.”

Running a list of possible scenarios through her mind, she frowned, meeting Egran’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Bringing you into the middle of this, whatever it is.”

“Hey,” Egran smiled, coming to sit next to her on her cot, and placing a hand over hers. “It could be fun. We’ll be quite the team – you, me and….Paul was it?”

“Yes,” she smiled. Some good would come of her return to One, even if it was something as simple as being back in Paul’s arms. She’s missed him more than she’d ever thought she would, far more than she’d like to admit.

“The Three Musketeers,” Egran continued, oblivious to Madeline’s train of thought. Pulled back into Egran’s optimism, she smiled. “Robin Hood, Marion and Little John.”

“The Three Stooges?” Madeline interjected, and was answered with a mock frown from Egran.

“You’re just not getting into the spirit of things.”

“I’m trying.”

He didn’t reply for a moment, then his face turned serious. “I don’t know what this is about either,” he said. “But we’ll work it out. It’s good to know we’ll have an ally at One. You’ll tell him what’s going on?”

“I’ll have to. Besides, I have a feeling my situation is going to be fairly obvious to everyone.”

“That bad?”

“Yes. Nothing I can’t handle. But bad.”

“Do you regret what we did?”

“Not for a moment. It got those kids out of here. It gave them a chance – even a minimal one.”

“And you?”

“Never mattered. You did though. I do regret you.”

“Don’t. We don’t even know what they have planned yet. It might not be as bad as we think.”

She gave him a look of disbelief.

“Okay, it probably is. But, I can handle myself.”

“All right.” She sighed, leaning over to zip her duffle bag up around her orders. “We should sleep. Transport arrives early.”

“Yeah.” Starting to rise, he stopped, taking her face between his hands and kissing her forehead.

She tensed, hands on his arms. “Egran…”

“Shhh. Just a thank you. No matter what tomorrow brings, Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me home, and giving me your friendship. I don’t expect anything else. I’m glad that that, at least, will be able to continue. You’re the only good thing to come out of this hellhole, and I’m glad I’m going with you – no matter what that means.”

“No need for thanks, Egran,” she said, pulling his hands down, and holding them for a moment in hers. “Now sleep. Whatever the future brings, it starts tomorrow. And we need to be well rested.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, returning to his own cot.

As she lay back, Madeline thought about all that had happened in the last year. All the terror, all the pain, both physical and emotional, that had brought her to this moment; that had made her desperate enough to force George’s hand. Somehow she knew that the coming year, at the least, was going to be worse than she could imagine. It would test her resolve, and it would test her spirit. But she’d survived Five, and she believed she could survive anything that Adrian and George threw at her. She believed she was strong enough.

She prayed that she was.

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[> [> Subject: beta stuff


Author:
jean
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 11:15:39 07/23/03 Wed

A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One.

My ear wanted to hear this as two statements. "..within the week. The attack was led by Section One." Somethign like that, you know?

To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining.

This paragraph's flow would run smoother with at least fifty percent less commas. In my humble opinion. ;)

..reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her..

a comma is a lighter touch here than a semicolon

“Hey,” Egran smiled, coming to sit next to her on her cot,..

This is one example of where Egran's diction falls below what I expect. There were a couple other places (not many, and subtle; it's hitting me now with that "hey") where he sounded more American than not, and my ear wanted to hear something more European. Ditto on the "okay"s.

...something as simple as being back in Paul’s arms...

Ohhh, but being in Paul's arms is NOT simple, is it? (evil laugh)

Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me ..

delete semicolon

--------------------

Once more, with feeling: I really like that you took on this story and explored the history between Madeline and Petrosian. I dig that guy who plays him, and he's just a cool bad-ass who deserves a few fanfics.

You got some neat character building going on with the members of Five -- I say push it. Flesh 'em out a bit more. You got the one guy with his clenched fist, the guy filching cashews, the card-playing. Little details like that go a long way, and I like what you've got.

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 8


Author:
Nestra
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 13:25:56 07/23/03 Wed

A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One.

Why not nice and active? "Section One launched..."

To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining.

What jean said. ;-)

Glancing down at them, she understood his confusion, and why he was at a loss for words.

I don't think you need both "confusion" and "loss for words."

Hers showed the same thing, reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her up before dawn.

Hers showed the same thing: reassignment to Section One, transport...

She’s missed him more than she’d ever thought she would, far more than she’d like to admit.

She'd

“The Three Stooges?” Madeline interjected, and was answered with a mock frown from Egran.

Is that a reference he'd get?

“Never mattered. You did though. I do regret you.”

Comma before "though". And I'd like a little more description in this part of the conversation - it's hard to tell how the two of them feel.

“Okay, it probably is. But, I can handle myself.”

Cut comma after But.

“Shhh. Just a thank you. No matter what tomorrow brings, Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me home, and giving me your friendship.

I'd cut the semi-colon and have "you changed my life by bringing me home, and by giving me..."

“No need for thanks, Egran,” she said, pulling his hands down, and holding them for a moment in hers.

Cut the comma after "down."

“Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, returning to his own cot.

Smiled not a dialogue tag. ;-) (Broken record? Me?)

that had brought her to this moment; that had made her desperate enough to force George’s hand.

Semi-colon should be a comma.

And there we are. :-) I think the plot hangs together nicely, all the strands of intrigue and people's various allliances.

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