A guided tour around that Scottish breakfast -- Scottish Ex-Pat's Blether Bar & Grill

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Date Posted: 01:07:27 02/14/11 Mon
Author: BB
Subject:

A guided tour around that Scottish breakfast
In reply to: Gilly 's message, "Re: New main page photie - a Scottish breakfast" on 13:46:22 02/13/11 Sun

Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is BB and I'll be your tour guide today. If we regard the breakfast plate as the face of a clock then we'll commence the tour at the numeral 6, at the very bottom of the plate/clock. Here we have a fried egg, carefully origamied to fit the available space. An interesting feature but it does require unfolding before cutting to avoid premature spillage of the soft yolk. Seepage of the yolk into the beans, the next item on the plate as we proceed clockwise, would be disastrous and, in some parts of Scotland, a criminal offence.

Crossing the beans (or, to those conversant with advanced breakfast terminology, the Lumpy Red Sea) we encounter a traditionally-sausage-shaped sausage. Note the rupture of the skin that has occured during cooking; the source of the vulgar term "banger".

Traversing the sausage in our clockwise perambulation around the plate we next encounter a rasher of bacon. Ah yes, the domesticated pig, a surprisingly intelligent animal but not quite bright enough to prevent itself being so tasty, though rolling around in its own s**t is a spirited attempt to render its succulent flesh less appetising.

At the numeral 12 on the plate/clock we have some shy mushrooms trying to conceal themselves, as would the nymphs and fairies that gambol around woodland mushrooms on hearing the approach of a mushroom-gathering peasant in the idyllic hamlet of Slack End, on the outskirts of pre-industrial Bathgate. It is also possible that the mushrooms, in the arctic north of the breakfast plate, are huddling together to make room for the fried egg at the antarctic south, minimising the degree of folding-stress that the egg must endure. Global co-operation that, I'm sure you will agree, is a lesson for us all.

Continuing clockwise you will see that the mushrooms are taking advantage of the cover provided by a tattie scone. The golden appearance of the tattie scone suggests it has been toasted rather than fried. Traditionalists have gone to war over more trivial considerations than the toasted/fried controversy but so far peace has prevailed in this cafe. As your impartial guide I cannot take sides, both methods of preparation have their faithful supporters.

The penultimate item on this tour of the plate is a slice of haggis. Extremist Robert Burns followers are banned from this cafe since they insist on addressing every plate, every morning. Readers in the adjoining library were disturbed by the chanted verses.

And finally, as we approach the conclusion of our tour, we sigh with geometric joy at the sight of a slice of square sausage. As the Blind Poet of the Deans once said:

Oh sausage! No' lang and sleek to my fingertips,
Ye have corners, and ye wet my lips.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I hope you have enjoyed your tour.

P.S. That breakfast, to a Scot living for many years in Wales, can be described by a Welsh term for loveliness....."lush", as used extensively in the BBC programme "Gavin and Stacey".

BB

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Replies:

Re: A guided tour around that Scottish breakfast -- Edie, 02:37:17 02/14/11 Mon
- Re: A guided tour around that Scottish breakfast -- Gilly, 19:08:25 02/14/11 Mon
  - Re: A guided tour around that Scottish breakfast -- Margaret/U.S.A., 12:55:47 02/15/11 Tue