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Date Posted: 8/07/07 8:48pm
Author: Leonardo Murgatroyd
Subject: Re: Goat Tragedy
In reply to: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. 's message, "Goat Tragedy" on 7/07/07 6:05pm

Hi Friend

I too read the Associated Press article.
Goats R Us apparently have an appalling record where goat transportation`s concerned. Only last April 64 extremely rare, persian, short haired, drooping-lipped, goats were tragically killed after the minibus they were being transported in careered over a cliff on the outskirts of Maidstone. Sadly, all 64 of the extremely rare, persian, short-haired, drooping-lipped, goats were killed instantly leaving only two males (Roger and Fredo) as the only surviving pair on the planet.

I`m getting together a petition to put Goats R Us out of business. So far 4 people have signed it, myself, my wife, her sister and my uncle Charlie. Once I have 500,000 signatures I will be travelling to Downing Street to present the petition to Gordon Brown.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. In the mean time I will keep an eye out for Hamidi and if I see him I will ask him to contact you ASAP.

Sincerely
Leonardo Murgatroyd

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Replies:

[> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 8/07/07 11:13pm

Leonardo,

I am pleased you have taken it upon yourself to start a petition; it’s about time something was done with Goats R Us. You would think their firm’s mission was to rid the planet of goat altogether. Along with the events of April last you mentioned, there was a rather nasty road accident in Glasgow last week when one of their drivers lost control of the Mini Cooper he was transporting 75 pigmy robustus in to a leisure center. All but three were killed or maimed and the R.S.P.C.A. had to dispatch those that were not expected to recover.

I did speak with Hamidi last night; he said something about “government watch list” and expressed his regrets he could not travel to California to “render” his services. I am still awaiting MFCC or Kind and Caring Problem Solvers to contact me, as I am sure K&CPS could perhaps convince Goats R Us of the error of their ways. Meanwhile Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. have patched up the bullet holes in the Zodiac and are on their way to California to see if they can institute a programme of safety or otherwise convince Goats R Us to stop the senseless slaughter.

Say hello to the wife, her sister and your uncle Charlie. If you come up short on signatures (say by 400,996 or so) please contact me as our firm maintains a list of names we use from time to time.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/07/07 12:10am

Leonardo,

It just occurred to me that MFCC’s and my Cappuccino Froth production has been falling off as of late. Do you know what became of Roger and Fredo, the extremely rare, persian, short-haired, drooping-lipped, goats? I am sure we could provide them with a good home and their presence would increase the slavering of the mongrels by tenfold at least for a while.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Leonardo Murgatroyd, 9/07/07 7:35pm

Hon Roger

Roger and Fredo are being cared for by Ding Xian Lee the proprietor of "Ding`s Charming Chinese Cuisine" High Street New Malden. Ding swore on one of his his ex-wife`s graves that he would "take care of them" like they were one of his own. Ding`s a typical east end guy, always looking after their own.

Not that I don`t trust him but I asked Ding to regularly send me photographs of Roger and Fredo, one for each day of the week pictured alongside a copy of the sun newspaper with the relevant dates clearly visible as proof they are still with us. As I say I trust Ding implicitly but he is rather old and short sighted, and who knows, it only takes half-a-dozen accidental mis-hits from the old happy valley meat cleaver and before we know it we have another extinct species of goat on our hands.

On a slightly humerous note I was just thinking.. if we cross bred Roger or Fredo with a bald eagle would their offspring be called a persian rug? Just a thought.

Regards
Leonardo Murgatroyd

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[> [> [> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/07/07 8:43pm

Leonardo,

Your instincts to not trust Ding are well-founded; I would not be surprised that Roger and Fredo are being served over rice as we speak. One of Ding’s sons from, I believe it was his ninth wife, is a master when it comes to manipulating images in Photoshop. I have used his services in the past when we needed to convince a client that their loved one was all right so as not to slow up the payment.

I am not sure of the crossbreeding idea, however if you can secure Roger and Fredo back from the inscrutable Ding and keep them safe till October when the 138th annual Running of the Goats festival will be held the 12th through 14th in Mevagissey I am sure the Council would pay handsomely for the chance to exhibit such rare goats. However I fear their ultimate fate would be the same as at the hands of Ding. Let me know as soon as you can ascertain their continued existence and as I mentioned earlier I could house them at the Cappuccino Froth Works till then.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Leonardo Murgatroyd, 10/07/07 3:28pm

Roger

Since my last message I have received an email from Ding a short passage of which is below.

*********************************************************
Hullo Lenny

You keep on worry bout goats! I call them now; One number 24 and one number 27 not Roger and Fredo!!! I reelise they are persian specialities but as long as we cook TILL DONE who cares damn bout it!..
*********************************************************

Ding then went on to threaten me with violence mentioning in passing that his buddies the surrey chapter of the triads might pay me "a little visit" soon to sort things out.

If I can manage to somehow get them back I will as you recommended enter both Roger and Fredo into the 138th annual Running of the Goats festival which will be held the 12th through 14th in Mevagissey. You`re right in saying that the Council would pay handsomely for the chance to exhibit such rare goats and although they are both priceless �7.50 per day for the two would pay for the in-laws to get away for a week or so. Single tickets to Bratislavia are cheap with Air Moscow this time of year I hear.

I will of course be sharing the proceeds with your good-self. The way things are going I might need the services of a very good Lawyer soon.

Sincerely
Leonardo Murgatroyd

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 10/07/07 5:01pm

Leonardo,

This is indeed distressing news; the diabolical Ding may have already acted against our interests. I have been trying to reach Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. by shortwave since hearing Roger and Fredo were in Ding’s “care”.

I fear that their or my wireless set has failed but there is no way to tell for sure, I don’t think I could find a tradesman able to effect repairs. The sets are probably from the 1950’s with Cyrillic lettering and a few dials, even when working correctly the squeals and static make it difficult to understand more than a few words. I have my secretary broadcasting at fifteen minute intervals requesting their return, perhaps they can hear her and will return under cover of darkness.

Stop by my office later, I still have several handguns left over from the end of year clearance which would prove invaluable should the Surrey Triad make an appearance at your doorstep. In the meantime keep up your correspondences with Ding lest he become suspicious. I am trying to get my associate Anthony Kneebreaker to pay Ding a visit, but he is understandably reluctant to go it alone.

I had hoped by now MFCC and/or Kind and Caring Problem Solvers would have contacted me. They are probably basking on some tropical island with the ill gotten wealth from dry powdered silica sales. Probably convinced the natives by now that dry powdered silica was a better currency than pound notes or euros too.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Goat Tragedy -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Mevagissey, It's the Goats), 11/07/07 9:39am

Leonardo,

Good news my secretary has made contact (if you can call it that) with Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. by shortwave. Seems the boys had neglected to bring any spare petrol with them and have been floating about for days, amid the squealing and howling I was able to make out they were in the process of extracting oil from a whale and should be ashore by morning if the distilling process goes as planned. Pankracije has a knack for improvising, so I feel confident they will soon be able to rescue Roger and Fredo from Ding. If you wish to join them in the effort they can pick you up in the Morris Minor they employ for their stealth missions.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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