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Date Posted: 22/07/07 5:16pm
Author: Fredric Frothington III
Subject: Re: Decline of gnomes
In reply to:
Irvin Pickleback
's message,
"Re: Decline of gnomes" on
21/07/07 11:53am
Irvin,
Smith is getting nervous, we must act with the utmost haste before he spooks the gnomes.
Yours truly,
Fredric Frothington III
Frothington Statuary
Hamford SW3
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Re: Decline of gnomes -- Irvin Pickleback,
22/07/07 10:47pm
Fredric
I must apologise for the delay in getting back to you, my alibi is that I was battling a gigantic haddock on the banks of the thames near Waterloo bridge. Did`nt land the bugger but plenty of photos taken although none to hand.
I can understand Smith getting nervous, he has more to lose than most what with his allotment and welk stall.
Anyway please let me know how we can move this thing forward because as you know it will soon be mating season for the gnomes. I have seen a couple of flying saucers hovering over our local park so there`s no time to lose. It will be my task to contact the General to try to see if he can bring the meeting forward by a couple of days. It will hit him in the pocket I know what with the arms deals etc but what`s twenty million pounds between friends!
Give my regards to Cheryl and the boys
Regards
Irvin Pickleback
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Re: Decline of gnomes -- Fredric Frothington III (For Queen And Country),
23/07/07 6:27pm
Irvin,
Indeed you news of the saucers gathering so soon is a bad sign, I myself have been down to the aerodrome trying to find a willing pilot for our mission. I was hoping to find a Tornado F3 or Harrier GR7 available but the best I could do was a Hawker Typhoon with an OAP who purports to be capable of carrying out the strike. Glad you were able to take some leisure although you were unsuccessful in your angling of the haddock.
I think it best to leave General Sir Jeffrey Pilkington-Smythe to his arms deal at this time; he has been known to dispatch a commando raid on anyone who interferes with his business dealings.
Did you know Smith was three time champion of the Lyme Regis Conger Cuddling team? He is very modest and hardly ever mentions it; would benefit him to display a photo or two in the stall so customers would know of his intimate knowledge of his wares.
I think our best interests would be served by collecting as much sodium as possible and some tins to secure it to the Hawker’s bomb carriage.
I’ll give your regards to Cheryl and the boys this evening, they are in the bunker and we have pre-arranged contact at midnight when I drop the yellow marble down the speaking tube. We have worked out an elaborate arrangement of signals using different colour marbles to signal the all clear. Until then they are to remain secure.
Yours truly,
Fredric Frothington III
Frothington Statuary
Hamford SW3
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Re: Decline of gnomes -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 24/07/07 6:40pm
My good Sirs,
I have been contacted by Malcolm Smith who is quite anxious you cease and desist your plans to drop incendiary ordnance on his garden and surrounding areas. I have looked into the matter and the OAP you have contracted with is as likely to fly straight into the control tower as hit your intended target. While my firm has employed tactics such as this in the past, let me assure you it was only as a last resort and to either secure payment of monies owed or a favorable business decision for our client.
Our highly trained partners Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. are trained in making surgical strikes such as this and minimizing collateral damages. Should you so desire they have indicated an almost zealous desire to carry out the strike you desire and assure me that Mr. Smith and his Welsh corgi would not be harmed and they will make every effort to spare Smith’s cottage.
If this offer is amicable please contact my offices to make the necessary arrangements and payment. Mr. Smith on the other hand has indicated he is willing to put his whelk stall up as collateral for a retaliatory strike should you carry out your present plan. Knowing Pankracije’s taste for conger I am sure the outcome would not be in your best interests.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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