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Date Posted: 19/09/08 11:22pm
Author: Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks
Subject: Hadron Collidor issues
Hi
I represent the team behind the Hadron Collidor. I was wondering if anyone has got any viable suggestions about how we can get HC back on track again? As you know it had to be switched off because of a malfunction which was due to some oaf spilling some coffee on the central mainframe hub subsection housing the massive inverted chevron polar reactors.
Some of the world`s greatest scientists have been racking their brains trying to find a way of getting HC up and running again but we`re slowly running out of ideas.
We`ve tried giving it a good thump with a mallet but that did`nt work so any suggestions would be gratefully received.
All the best.
Sincerely
Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks Head of Science and Humnanologist Technolgy
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Re: Hadron Collidor issues -- Bert Smithson,
20/09/08 12:04am
Hi
I have the answer.
When I was a small boy we had an old bush tv which would often go on the blink. Dad would very cleverly give it a good thump and 9 times out of 10 it would spark back into live and run like a dream. The Large Hadron Collidor works on exactly the same principals as that old bush telly of ours all be it on a slightly grander scale, so yes, simply give her a good old fashioned thump and she`ll be as ggod as new in no time.
Failing that have one of your mechanics check out the spark plugs. Maybe the gap needs reducing on one or all 4 of them as this was often the problem with dad`s old morris oxford.
Good luck:-).
Regards
Bert Smithson
Avid reader of Science Monthly and part-time yoghurt knitter extraordinaire.
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Re: Hadron Collidor issues -- Winnie Blenkinsop,
20/09/08 12:39am
Hi
I`m afraid I can`t help with regard to getting the Hadron Collidor up and running again but may I give a brief explanation in layman`s terms of how the HC actually works. Here goes..
HC is basically a dirty great big underground circle thingy measuring some 27 kilometres around.
Protons are shot in opposite directions at virtually the speed of light until they collide creating an amazing fireworks display the likes we have never seen before thus in theory re-creating the moment known as `The Big Bang` which occured many, many years ago.
Well, that`s about it really. There`s a bit more to it actually but I don`t want to bewilder you with technical jargon, but to summarize it`s a big circle thingy with stuff blasting round in different directions until it meets in a huge orgasmic explosion. It took a while to develop and it cost a few quid too. Who knows what the real purpose is, and maybe we`ll never know. Ends.
Regards
Winnie Blenkinsop
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Re: Hadron Collidor issues -- Harold Smyth,
21/09/08 11:51pm
My Good Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks,
I have been reading with interest your plight regarding your Hadron Collidor and the difficulties since coffee was spilled in the central mainframe hub subsection housing the massive inverted chevron polar reactors. My Great Uncle Ned always said there is a right and a wrong tool for every task! Well he didn’t always say that, often he muttered something about German’s and mustard gas but Great Aunt Elizabeth always said it was something to do with the malaria he contracted in India. While I don’t know a thing about your Hadron Collidor I do know a thing or two about getting out coffee stains, you see I am a breeder of fancy hamsters and often I receive calls from my clients who have inadvertently spilled coffee on their fancy hamsters. Now after reading your notes of trying to fix spilled coffee with a mallet and Burt’s rather simplistic comparison to a telly (although I have seen his knit yogurt and it is extraordinary in both flavor and consistency). As Great Uncle Ned would say I think you need the correct instrument to fix this problem, in the case of coffee soaked hamsters I often advise my clients to simply wrap it in a towel and blot up the spilled liquid, it’s a shame some of them exhaust their own ideas before calling and doing things like drying them in the microwave or letting them air dry and then trying to remove the stain by a good soak in chlorine bleach. To date neither of those approaches has been successful although it has increased my business several fold in providing replacement fancy hamsters.
Since the problem seems to stem from the spilled coffee and fancy hamsters seem to attract more than their fair share of coffee spills I propose that you and your staff come by my shop and procure as many fancy hamsters as you can carry. Once back at the site you should divide the fancy hamsters among yourselves, go round the 27 kilometer perimeter and deploy at least six through each manhole or access cover. Given that fancy hamsters due to inbreeding to achieve their long silky fur and unique colors are less active than the common hamster I would venture that it may take several weeks for them to wander through the tunnel and absorb all the loose coffee protons that may have been ejected from the inverted chevron polar reactors. Once the protons are absorbed you should be able to energize the loop and remove the fancy hamsters in a jiffy.
My shop is in Hampstead and called “Harold’s Fancy Hamster Emporium & Lint Museum” I live over the shop so come round anytime and ring the buzzer.
Harold Smyth
Breeder of Fancy Hamsters, Collector of lint from the pockets of the stars and Fascinated by Postal Regulations!
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Re: Hadron Collidor issues -- Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks,
4/10/08 1:04pm
Dear Harold
Since your last correspondence, which I thank you for, there has been a significant development with regard to the Hadron Collidor.
Taking your very kind advice we dispatched one of our able assistants to purchase some fancy hamsters from the local pet emporium. Some days later Dilbert returned with a cageload of said fancy hamsters at the knock down price of 25p each. I fancied they wouldn't have been too fancy at that sort of price but who am I to judge when a hamster does or does`nt come in to the bracket of `Fancy.`In any case I ordered Dilbert to commence wrapping the fancy hamsters in some towelling and Dilbert set about the task at hand, under my watchful eye.
Dilbert is`nt too quick at the best of times and to cut a long story short eventually I had to fire him. It almost broke my heart, Dilbert had been with me for over 30 years, and how I cried when I found out via a local news report that he had thrown himself off beachy head - along with his new wife and mother-in-law. But, as they say, business is business and life goes on.
At this point I had almost given up hope of the Hadron Collidor ever being back on track again, until on Tuesday of last week when three travelling Irishmen happened to knock on my door.
When Mick, Paddy and Seamus heard of our plight they said that they might be able to fix the HC, but at a small price. To be quite frank I would have gladly paid many thousands of pounds out of my own pocket and when their quotation was for just £1,999.99, well,I knew the heavens had smiled upon us.
Seamus seemed to be the boss as he was the one who snatched the money from me and proceeded to count it, in quick fashion, you know, as if he was an old hand at that type of thing.
As I waved goodbye to the three of them, and my money,
I wondered if they would `be back later`to sort out the Hadron Collidor, as they had promised, or had I been duped again like the countless other times.
Taking my plight into account I wondered if you would be so kind as to keep an eye out for the three Irish gentleman.
Their description as I recall is below:
Mick: Lean build, 5` 8" tall, spoke with a Kilkenny accent and had a habit of saying `Bejesus` occasionally.
Patrick: Obese, 5`2" tall, Dublin accent, a nosepicker, very shady, minimal eye contact.
Seamus: Muscular build, 6`5" tall, Tipperary accent, boxers nose, fearsome looking, swore compulsively.
All three had ginger hair and were scruffily dressed. Border line tramps one might say.
Looking forward to your reply
Sincerely
Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks
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Re: Hadron Collidor issues -- Harold Smyth (If I had a Goat...), 7/10/08 11:25am
My good professor Scheinblanks,
While your well meaning assistant Dilbert may have been trying to solve the problems of the Hadron Collidor, he was obviously oblivious of the difference between the “standard” fancy hamster and the superlative fancy hamsters that I can provide. My long haired 5th generation, genetically interbred, fancy hamsters are specifically breed to absorb any caffeine products either containing sugar or cream or any other additives either common or obscure. They have even been observed taking the full force of a pot of Earl Gray not seconds after infusion with hardly a scald!
As for the Irish lad’s fixing your woes I’m thinking your money is as good as gone. Might find them down the lane putting a thin coat of macadam down but I would not count on it! Now if your done fooling about and want some fancy hamsters I can supply all your needs at 20p Ea, and that is a cost savings of 20% over your last failed attempts.
Sincerely,
Harold Smyth
Bugger of Toadstools and some other organic matter, as well as Owls… when I get a chance!
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