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Date Posted: 24/10/06 12:14pm
Author: Parker Nose and Ointment, Solicitors
Subject: Re: Open Letter to MFCC
In reply to:
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
's message,
"Open Letter to MFCC" on
21/10/06 8:55am
We act on behalf of Mavis Tweedale, a pensioner and long time resident of Mevagissey. Miss Tweedale alleges that on the morning of the Running of the Goats contest, latterly known as "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" Mavis was going about her day to day business of shopping and gossiping with passersby on the corner of Mevagissey High St and Duckpond Lane. Being forgetful Mavis was unaware that the Goats Festival race was due to commence and had no time to avoid what she describes as, the "rampaging herd" as they galloped unceremoneously towards her. Mavis, being of previous good character, of slight build, and a regular churchgoer to boot had to resort to immediate and fearless action to excricate herself from the horrendous predicament she had found herself in.
Mavis described the grey mist that came over her as she leaptlike a gazelle onto the back of the lead goat, Cyril. Luckily for her, Cyril, being of athletic-build, and nimble of foot, managed to keep the lead as the ensuing pack folowed in ever-close proximnity. Mavis recalls it was a very bumpy ride that Cyril gave her as they headed down Duckpond Lane towards Mr Pendles Farm, just opposite the Piggery.
Somemone in the crowd hollored!
"YOU CHEAT! NO JOCKEYS ALLOWED IN THE RUNNING OF THE GOATS!"
"SHUT YOUR TRAP!!" Mavis screamed back as they tore past, rally savouring the moment like an aged female version of Lester Piggot complete with leatherette shopping bag and tartan overcoat. The upshot is, Mavis and Cyril completed the race and won by a record margin of 22 lengths but since the events of that day she has been unable to look the vicar of St Chadwick`s Church in the eye again. You see, Reverend Mason, the vicar of St Chadwicks lost Cyril due to a gambling debt some weeks earlier - and he has never forgiven Mavis or God since.
Sincerely
Oliver Parker
Parker Nose and Ointment, Solicitors and Commissioners for Oaths. Mevagissey, Luton, and Grimsby.
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Re: Mavis Tweedale -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Parker Nose and Ointment, whoops!!!!),
24/10/06 4:23pm
My good fellows, Parker Nose and Ointment, Solicitors and Commissioners for Oaths. Mevagissey, Luton, and Grimsby
Let me say I am sorry to hear you client has suffered due to "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" however if your Mavis Tweedale was wandering about on the day(‘s) of the "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" she would have been forewarned of the impending stampede. The council of Mevagissey had dispatched several "sound trucks" to warn the likes of your Mavis Tweedale’s to stay off the streets from October 14th through the 17th due to the 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival. It isn’t like we didn’t warn you there would be , rabid goats running through Mevagissey for a couple of days.
On behalf of Mevagissey, Luton, and Grimsby, I would like to thank all the volunteers who have scraped up at least 87 hectares of goat dung to be flown to an undisclosed location in France.
Since you describe your clients injuries as "The upshot is, Mavis and Cyril completed the race and won by a record margin of 22 lengths but since the events of that day she has been unable to look the vicar of St. Chadwick s Church in the eye again." I would conclude that you are looking to litigate with The council of Mevagissey. However looking at the official rules of the "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" you would be well to note paragraph 7A-450V part 3 which quite plainly states.
7A-450V part 3: In so much as any resident, transient or other party, in the first or second and third party. Interfere with the goats in any way the penalty will be 100 lifetimes +30, in the case of Mavis Tweedale we find her guilty of just mildly distracting the goats so the fine will be reduced. So Mrs. Mavis Tweedale surrender yourself before it’s too late. Reverend Mason, the vicar of St. Chadwicks is ready to absolve you now, he just wants a peek! So prepare to meet you maker.
However as Mavis Tweedale was the first across the finish line we would like to make an offer, our firm is prepared to pay .15 per pound for Mavis Tweedale fat (rendered)
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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