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Date Posted: 21/10/06 8:55am
Author: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Most accidents happen within the home)
Subject: Open Letter to MFCC
Even though the City Council of Mevagissey had an excellent turnout to the 137th annual Running of the Goats festival, Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. seem to still have some left over goats. We have been trying to locate Hamidi Azzizi (The Famous Sausage Maker) for some time now, since the magistrate released him last time he is nowhere to be found.
Any one wishing some goat at "Fire Sale" prices or with any knowledge of Hamidi Azzizi’s (The Famous Sausage Maker) whereabouts please contact my office immediately. Quite frankly the goats are getting on everyone’s nerves and the office staff has threatened to quit if we don’t remove the goats by Monday. Suzy the office girl has already had a nervous breakdown and although we tried to coax her out of the storage closet with packets of jam and bits of sausage, she has been there since Wednesday.
Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. are sick of scraping up goat shit and loading it into the Sikorsky and dropping it over the channel or the Eiffel tower, and frankly so am I.
Anthony Kneebreaker has been making some allegations as to this is the work of MFCC and Kind and Caring Problem Solvers, which I don’t doubt. I should have seen this coming, as week before the festival I found a goat plunged through the windscreen of my Rolls Silver Shadow with a threatening note tied to it’s hoof. This is typical of MFCC since he dumped an entire elephant in the skip last June and it’s still rotting there (the Pakistani lorry driver who empties it has refused to go near it.)
So MFCC what do you have to say for yourself, do you really want to go back to the "Business Arrangement" we had last year? As you may recall it was not good for business or relatives. Before this escalates anymore I suggest we meet at either "the Docks" or the "Old Zinc Mine" and talk this out. I do have to caution you that Sueman and Stall have already retained their favorite "NEGOTIATOR" Mr. Thompson and his associates Colt, Smith, Wesson, Browning and Ruger.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Replies:[>
Re: Open Letter to MFCC -- Parker Nose and Ointment, Solicitors,
24/10/06 12:14pm
We act on behalf of Mavis Tweedale, a pensioner and long time resident of Mevagissey. Miss Tweedale alleges that on the morning of the Running of the Goats contest, latterly known as "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" Mavis was going about her day to day business of shopping and gossiping with passersby on the corner of Mevagissey High St and Duckpond Lane. Being forgetful Mavis was unaware that the Goats Festival race was due to commence and had no time to avoid what she describes as, the "rampaging herd" as they galloped unceremoneously towards her. Mavis, being of previous good character, of slight build, and a regular churchgoer to boot had to resort to immediate and fearless action to excricate herself from the horrendous predicament she had found herself in.
Mavis described the grey mist that came over her as she leaptlike a gazelle onto the back of the lead goat, Cyril. Luckily for her, Cyril, being of athletic-build, and nimble of foot, managed to keep the lead as the ensuing pack folowed in ever-close proximnity. Mavis recalls it was a very bumpy ride that Cyril gave her as they headed down Duckpond Lane towards Mr Pendles Farm, just opposite the Piggery.
Somemone in the crowd hollored!
"YOU CHEAT! NO JOCKEYS ALLOWED IN THE RUNNING OF THE GOATS!"
"SHUT YOUR TRAP!!" Mavis screamed back as they tore past, rally savouring the moment like an aged female version of Lester Piggot complete with leatherette shopping bag and tartan overcoat. The upshot is, Mavis and Cyril completed the race and won by a record margin of 22 lengths but since the events of that day she has been unable to look the vicar of St Chadwick`s Church in the eye again. You see, Reverend Mason, the vicar of St Chadwicks lost Cyril due to a gambling debt some weeks earlier - and he has never forgiven Mavis or God since.
Sincerely
Oliver Parker
Parker Nose and Ointment, Solicitors and Commissioners for Oaths. Mevagissey, Luton, and Grimsby.
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Re: Mavis Tweedale -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Parker Nose and Ointment, whoops!!!!),
24/10/06 4:23pm
My good fellows, Parker Nose and Ointment, Solicitors and Commissioners for Oaths. Mevagissey, Luton, and Grimsby
Let me say I am sorry to hear you client has suffered due to "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" however if your Mavis Tweedale was wandering about on the day(‘s) of the "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" she would have been forewarned of the impending stampede. The council of Mevagissey had dispatched several "sound trucks" to warn the likes of your Mavis Tweedale’s to stay off the streets from October 14th through the 17th due to the 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival. It isn’t like we didn’t warn you there would be , rabid goats running through Mevagissey for a couple of days.
On behalf of Mevagissey, Luton, and Grimsby, I would like to thank all the volunteers who have scraped up at least 87 hectares of goat dung to be flown to an undisclosed location in France.
Since you describe your clients injuries as "The upshot is, Mavis and Cyril completed the race and won by a record margin of 22 lengths but since the events of that day she has been unable to look the vicar of St. Chadwick s Church in the eye again." I would conclude that you are looking to litigate with The council of Mevagissey. However looking at the official rules of the "The 137th Annual Running of the Goats Festival" you would be well to note paragraph 7A-450V part 3 which quite plainly states.
7A-450V part 3: In so much as any resident, transient or other party, in the first or second and third party. Interfere with the goats in any way the penalty will be 100 lifetimes +30, in the case of Mavis Tweedale we find her guilty of just mildly distracting the goats so the fine will be reduced. So Mrs. Mavis Tweedale surrender yourself before it’s too late. Reverend Mason, the vicar of St. Chadwicks is ready to absolve you now, he just wants a peek! So prepare to meet you maker.
However as Mavis Tweedale was the first across the finish line we would like to make an offer, our firm is prepared to pay .15 per pound for Mavis Tweedale fat (rendered)
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Open Letter to MFCC -- MFCC (Mouth agape, eyes closed, air rushing in),
25/10/06 12:43pm
Always a pleasure to hear from my friends at Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall.
I have been out of town selling my dry powered silica oxide to a bunch of desert nomads. We finally negotiated a good price of $US100/tonne and they would take as much as they could get. At this very moment I have my dump trucks filling up with the stuff, driving across the road and dumping it in my customers yard.
I see that the your methods of doing business have not changed - similar to my own but perhaps with a slightly more legal flavor.
Nonetheless I will conduct my own inquiries to see if a certain rogue part of my business empire has been a trifle upstartish.
In the meantime, let me introduce the newest member of my crew - Donald, not particularly strong, but knows corporate and tax law inside out, and more importantly knows the people to talk to in various government departments.
As Kind and Caring problem Solvers move up in the world, we take our clients with us. As I look at how my business empire has diversified : mongolian reading sheep, wax cylinders, nuclear powered appliances, sausages (care of Hamidi), Staple-It-Notes, Domestic Munitions, etc .. I believe it could be time to go for the IPO.
I will announce the terms and conditions under which all persons who receive the application, will buy their mandatory allotment of shares, on a totally binding and yet voluntary basis.
MFCC
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Re: Open Letter to MFCC -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Relaxing with a snifter of brandy and Cuban cigar),
25/10/06 7:08pm
My good MFCC,
As soon as you are through with the delivery of dry powdered silica perhaps you could send Hamidi over in one of the dump trucks. Yesterday it would have been possible to just drive the herd to the "processing plant" however Vladimer you might say "snapped" and machine-gunned each and every one last evening. So time is of the essence as they are starting the smell and attract the insects as well as the unwanted attention of the officials. Let me know about the IPO and the terms, I am sure there are some funds in the retirement fund.
Sounds like Donald will make a fine addition to your team, Tax Law is such a bother and having a skilled member should avoid unnecessary payments.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
PS- Please send another gross of "staple-it-notes" the past due billing department has found these ideal for getting our clients to pay promptly. In fact the third overdue notice is hardly ever required.
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