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Date Posted: 2/04/07 2:38pm
Author: Roger Stewart (Oh Dear !!)
Subject: Mr Therm
Dear Mr Sperm(sorry, Therm)
It would seem that I have made a mistake in banging up this Alcock person, I took your advice and checked him out for I.D. etc and could find no tattoo on his neck. Unfortunately I did find one on the left side of his scrotum which in Latin said, Per Mare Per Terram, which if I am not mistaken is the motto for the Royal Marines,(what have I done).
I wonder if its not too late to turn the clock back and come to some sort of understanding over this misunderstanding, you see I never intended to fall out with 2 Para or the Marines, indeed I think of them as fine men doing a grand job and I could see no point in disturbing them to collect a late payment for British Gas, after all its only for 32 quid, hardly enough to justify hundreds of round of small arms fire, stun grenades, smoke, etc all that shouting and yelling, it would terrify the cat and me also.I shall release Mr Alcock forthwith, as soon as he is well enough which should be in a day or so, he has been on hunger strike and most uncooperative mutters something about plunging a Fairbairn dagger into my neck if he gets the chance, I think that has a relationship with the tattoo. I shall send the payment off at once with a drink for your good-self, please accept my humble apologies and I look forwards to being a valued customer again in the near future.
Roger(notRodger)xx
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Re: Mr Therm -- British Gas,
2/04/07 5:05pm
Roger,
We at British Gas are glad that you have decided to pay your past due account. We never like to resort to the ugly business of collections, your present situation with Mr. Sid Alcock being an example of how simple misunderstandings turn into more serious problems.
I might suggest that when you are ready to release Mr. Alcock that you barricade yourself behind a sturdy door and use a string to release the latch of the cupboard. I would not want to be in your shoes now that you have obviously overreacted and assaulted a Royal Marine. However it does seem that this Mr. Alcock is not too angry with you, his mutterings about plunging a Fairbairn dagger into you neck would indicate that at least he would dispatch you quickly with as little pain as possible. Rest assured the Royal Marines have extensive training in ways to kill a man, some of which are designed to prolong the process for “interrogation” purposes.
It is unfortunate he has been on hunger strike; you might have at least gotten some droppings for your chosen fuel source. Should you wish to continue to be supplied by British Gas, please come by the office and consult with one of our friendly representatives (all former Special Boat Services) who will assist you in establishing your credit and applying for home service. Although we are not officially allowed to use the slogan, I like to think that "By Strength and Guile" appropriatly sums up our commitment to customer satisfaction.
British Gas
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