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Date Posted: 26/04/07 6:13am
Author: Number 756693
Subject: Crazy?
Call me crazy but; when I was a child, water flowed uphill, the sky was green and aardvarks ruled the earth. Whatever has happened to the good old days? My orderly Nick says it’s all a figment of my mind but I don’t believe it for a second. He keeps giving me pills to take and says it will be all right in the morning but it never is.
So with that said I would like to entreat anyone out there to join me in a rousing game of chess, only I like to douse the board with benzene and keep several candles nearby to add to the effect. The doctor says this is aberrant behavior however I recall this is exactly how my great-grand mum played the game and no harm ever came of that. Least wise till the flat burned down.
So if you’re in for a rousing game of “beat the vicar” or “Hide the aardvark” come on round by three and we will see if Nick is so dandy smart when confronted with a watermelon.
Number 756693
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Re: Crazy? -- The Vicar of Hacklier,
27/04/07 8:16am
Number 756693,
As Vicar of Hacklier I am appalled at you tirade, as a youth I did play hide the aardvark but I suspect your game is a bit more evil! Watermelons indeed as if Nick didn’t have enough to worry about with his 14 year old daughter turning tricks at Trafalgar square and his “son” doing likewise with anyone with a 5 bob note! His lovely wife has just returned from surgery and you see fit to thrust a watermelon at this fine gentleman? You obviously know he is melonphobic and yet you delight in torturing this fine gentleman. Were it not for Nick and his dog Ranger the fire of 56’ would have resulted in many more tragedies, while there were 96 confirmed deaths that day, the Bishop has always maintained that without Nick’s quick actions at draining the cistern and sounding the alarm on his French horn many more would have perished.
The very idea of confronting Nick with a watermelon after all he has done is unconscionable, for as much as you may hate Nick he is a local hero and deserving of respect. To some his habit of dragging around the leash and collar may seem strange or some may even deem him a menace to society but it was such a comfort to Nick when Ranger was killed in the inferno to drag the rotting melon around and have the townspeople greet him and pat “Ranger” on the head. It was only when he realized that “Ranger” was no longer walking by his side and appeared to be an abraded melon that Nick finally understood the gravity of the situation and had a complete collapse. If it were not for the compassion of the staff at Happy Acres, Nick would be in one of the wonderful padded rooms you now enjoy.
So in closing I trust you will not prey upon old Nick but rather pray for him.
The Vicar of Hacklier
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Re: Crazy? -- Dinsdale Rabidlobes,
27/04/07 8:27pm
Number 756693,
You and me have so much in common. When I was a young lad of 47, my father, wearing a floral dress around his naked bullet-riddled kneecaps and a huge cheesy grin would threaten to have me thrown off of cheddar gorge if I did`nt stop giving him lip or as Dad would call it; Answer-e-backery Gibberishy!
I would playfully throw battery acid at dad and laugh like a demented jackass with Ma as pops squealed in delightful agony on the floor of the house we were squatting in.
Mother looked a sight in her steel toe capped ex-army boots size 14 with her bloodstained balaclava lying adjacent to PC Wilkins the village bobby who she`s shot by mistake and died (ALLEGEDLY:-) some weeks earlier. The neighbours called us "The Family Who Gave Hell A Good Name." How they loved us..
Do please tell me more about yourself though, do you have any siblings?
My remains
D Rabidlobes (Stark raving Mad and Potty to boot)
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Re: Crazy? -- Alfie, 27/04/07 9:30pm
Dinsdale,
It’s me Alfie, sorry about the Number 756693 rot but after a while, well you know sitting in my room pulling legs off spiders and roasting them with a magnifying lens I have just gotten into the habit. So how are your Mum and Dad, I trust they haven’t been run out by the polo crowd, snotty buggers. I used to love that battery acid trick of yours, always gave me a smile. You might recall it was your Mum shot my sister Pam about 3 weeks after PC Wilkins, aside from the missing fontal lobe she has been fine. Pam married and now has three wonderful children in Dorset. They hardly notice the vacant expression and drooling (I think she would be happy not to have to hear them screech however) the twitching is getting worse.
Write soon or better yet come visit and don’t forget to bring a wheel of Gouda as I find it less irritating than the soap cakes they supply here.
And they call me crazy…
Alfie
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Re: Crazy? -- Number 756693 (OH, I just want to KILL< KILL <KILL), 29/04/07 12:54pm
Dinsdale,
I thought you would be round by now, I cut off my leg last night and wired it to the steam radiator to cook, even had a few carrot I had grown in the mould in the corners. Had rather looked forward to your visit but it seems that is not to be. I also had a nice rat stewing in vinegar and applesauce for just such an occasion. Now I don’t know what I’ll do with the rat, certainly not give it to that bastard Nick. Perhaps if old Tommy in the next room can make a string of paper clips like he did before he can throw the chain over and I’ll hook the rat to it.
Just noticed the sky is green again and from what I hear it is possible to “piss up a rope” so you see I wasn’t crazy after all, it was you and my wife Doris who put you up it in the first place. I should have known what with you and she down at the pub every night…
Number 756693
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