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Date Posted: 2/05/06 5:41pm
Author: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Subject: Re: Grand Opening cancellation
In reply to:
Tim Davenport
's message,
"Re: Grand Opening cancellation" on
2/05/06 2:34pm
Dear Tim,
Not having deed to property is not a problem for Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall, all we need is some collateral. Perhaps your mother-in-law or a stray child. Of course we would require the genuine signed autograph on the rear of a waterloo train ticket by Sven Goran Errikson also (Standard Ebay clause). Also as a show of good faith, I think you should include the spoon with which you won the egg and spoon race. We can not be too sure of your propensity to flee the country but by having the aforementioned articles in our safe keeping, my associates and myself might just rest a little easier. Knowing full well that should you default or turn any evidence over to the authorities, your precious Sven Goran Errikson autograph will be gone.
As soon as the arraignments are made I am sure the insurance company will make full payment, I trust the homes are insured also. As you know, the problem of country fire brigades arriving on time. Not to mention the termites that may infest them before Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall "protects" them from damage.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Tim Davenport,
3/05/06 7:03pm
Dear Roger
Firstly please accept my sincere apology for the delay in my replying to you but I had to undergo a replacement hip-joint operation. The first operation was abandoned a few weeks ago due to my surgeon passing away half way through with a severe bout of e-coli so the replacement one was a bit of a godsend really. Anyways, I definitely want to proceed and would like to take up your very kind offer of using my mother in law as collateral. Mavis (the mother in law) is a bit obese but she has a heart of gold and cooks a mean pork chop. I would like to throw the wife in as well if it`s agreeable to you. The two of them are inseparable really so it would it be unkind on them (and particularly me) if they were parted from each other for more than a couple of hours.
I`m sure you will agree with me when I say sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind an analogy would be if I might be so bold as to like seperating a bloated sow from her little diddy pigfaced piglet!
Please let me know how best we can expedite things and when I should make arrangements to purchase a 2 litre bottle of
bargain priced strictnine.
Yours Sincerely and without prejudice
Mr T Davenport
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.,
4/05/06 12:45am
My Dear Mr. Davenport,
Let me begin by saying how sorry I am your surgeon passed on, I do trust you had the new one dipped in antiseptic before the surgery. We seem to be in need of office cleaning staff, since our last charwoman was caught stealing some paper clips and elastic bands. My associate Mr. Kneebreaker had discovered the items missing from behind a file cabinet where he had kept them for years. She was immediately dispatched and has not been seen since.
But I digress, aside from cooking pork chops can this Mavis operate a Hoover, or perhaps your lovely wife. Once you enter into agreement with our terms there would be no need for a 2-litre bottle of strychnine, let me assure you should you even think of betraying our trusted confidence or trying to leave the country with the insurance money there would be no need for you to poison yourself.
Lastly I need your assurance that the premiums are fully paid, and should Mavis not work out would you mind terribly if she were found in the smoldering ruins by investigators? Per our standard fee of 75% I could sweeten the deal by say giving you 35% if Mavis and your lovely wife were deemed responsible. I could have the papers drawn up immediately showing their respective interest in the company and how they had devised a scheme to defraud the insurance and skip off to Buenos Aires.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Tim Davenport, 4/05/06 6:02pm
Dear Roger
Thank you for passing on your codolences regarding the sad demise of Dr Ahmed. The female replacement surgeon Tracey Smith, was to my AMAZEMENT very competent and only made the odd mistake when sawing through some gristle. She was a bit nervous and a more experienced and obviously far more intelligent male surgeon by the name of Dr Chopra took over the reins so to speak and completed the job in next to no time. I can now run a marathon, scale mount everest, and fell walk for fun - and all in just the two days!
Anyway back to business. I was very pleased to hear that you disposed of that charwoman. I have no time for women like her, she was obviously planning to rifle your safe or transfer a small fortune to a swiss bank account or something similar and had you not found her out by way of that strategically placed covert cctv camera she would probably have gotten away with it. I realise that company profits are paramount and SO WHAT if she has 8 hungry mouths to feed and a small delapidated slum-filled council house to upkeep she shoud have thought of that before she swiped
your stationary cabinet and it`s entire contents! Lockemup and throw the ruddy key away is my motto, we`ve been a namby-pamby society for far too long in my book and it`s time to get rid of the low-lifes, immigrants, and send them back home in a cardboard box!! Sorry, i`m getting a little carried away but i`m sure you`re exactly like me when it comes to the society of today, i`m pleased that you are.
My lovely wife is a dabhand with the Hoover, no one grips an hose like Cindy actually and if you have a nice stretchy one she will put it to good use I can tell you and shove it right up the nearest crevace. She loves to give it a real good poke and squeals with delight when said Hoover roars to a climax.
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 4/05/06 8:17pm
Dear Tim,
Surprisingly the former charwoman was from Kent, and a very good family at that. We obtained her services in the usual manner when her husband was unable to pay the fees due for "services" rendered. They did have eight or nine squalling children, but rest assured they are well cared after and selling the Times in the underground in shifts. As part of our "standard agreement" with all employees, we at Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall take care of the survivors and heirs. Of course we did have to collect the bank accounts and real property as in paragraph 6.4.19 of the employment agreement.
It was unfortunate after all we had done for Louise she would stoop to taking two slightly bent nickel plated paper clasps and a dried up elastic from Anthony’s office. But policy is policy and if we were to overlook even the slightest infraction where would we be?
By all means send over Mavis and your wife Cindy, if they work out I will personally see to it that your surgeon Tracey Smith is cured of her nervousness permanently or convince her to look for another line of work.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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