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Date Posted: 8/05/06 8:37pm
Author: Tim Davenport
Subject: Re: Grand Opening cancellation
In reply to: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. 's message, "Re: Grand Opening cancellation" on 7/05/06 9:37pm

Dear Sir
I just thought I would let you know that as of today I will be representing myself. My former defence solicitor Art Grapple of Snitch, Snatch & Grapple Solicitors, Commissioners for Oaths informed me that he is unable to represent me because in his words I am "A pip short of an apple." Mr Grapple also told me that he is not the only one who thinks i`m a "fruitcake" and that probably the only person MAD enough to represent me is is in fact.."ME!"
Taking all the above into account, and my further rapid depths into madness I am ready to accept any reasonable offer you are willing to give. Finally I do hope that this does`nt sound like a veiled threat but I recently purchased a very large, stainless steel, self-sharpening, self-lubricating razor sharp meat cleaver (industrial version) and am still looking for a "Good Home" for it if you catch my demented drift.
Many thanks in anticpation for your earliest and extremely generous reply. I remain (worse luck) Mr Tim Davenport

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Replies:

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 8/05/06 11:05pm

My Good Sir,

It's unfortunate that you were just not cut from the right cloth for being a captain of industry, sadly we here at Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall Attorneys at Law see this all too often. I trust that when you get to Happy Pines and the seditive wears off you will get in touch with our former client.

Dr. Phineas K. Batsinbelfry
Happy Pines Sanatorium
Post Lobotomy Ward
Room 3
London
W12 OAE

Not unlike yourself Dr. Batsinbelfry was a promising young profesional until stricken with utter insanity. I am only glad we were able to provide for his keeping rather than have him wandering the streets. Mr. Kneebreaker will be by later to administer the seditive via dart gun and collect that nasty cleaver for safe keeping.

Per our current agreement we will make sure you have a long and confined stay at Happy Pines. In the meanwhile we will invest your money to assure your care until you death.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Dr Barry Ronaldson Head of Care Fulchester Unit, Preston, 9/05/06 5:06pm

Dear Sir
I am writing to you regarding a patient we recently took into care by the name of Timothy Davenport. As you are his next of kin I am obliged to inform you that we have him in our custody and I do hope this does`nt come as too much of a shock to you.
Tim was sectioned under the mental health act yesterday after exposing himself to a flock of pigeons in Trafalgar Square, Central London. The pigeons had to be put down as they went into severe shock after the atrocity. Luckily an off duty wpc Mandy Griffiths happened to be passing by who grappled Timothy to the ground and overpowered him with a quick knee in the cobblers and a sharp belt from her truncheon across his buttocks.
Timothy said that he would welcome a visit from you if you could summon the forgiveness and manage to somehow get to Fulchester within the next day or two.
Please let me know when you will be visiting and I will arrange for the hancuffs, leg-irons and muzzle to be removed.

Yours repsectfully

Dr Barry Ronaldson
Head of Care
Fuklchester Psychiatric Unit
Preston
PR2 4GH


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/05/06 6:13pm

My Good Dr. Ronaldson,

I am relieved to hear Mr. Davenport is in good hands at a secure facility. My associate, Mr. Anthony Kneebreaker had gone to collect Tim last evening to transport him to Happy Pines Sanatorium, where arrangements had been made for his long term care. We were of course distressed at his absence and the fact that the extra large stainless steel, self sharpening and lubricating industrial cleaver Mr. Davenport had just purchased was missing as well.

It was indeed a stroke of luck that wpc Mandy Griffiths was at Trafalgar Square to apprehend him, for I can’t imagine what he may have done next. As it seems Mr. Davenport has truly "gone round the bend" our firm acting as his representatives felt it would be in our best interest to transport him to Happy Pines Sanatorium at the earliest possible. I will be sending Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije , of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. around today to collect him. As you may know Tim was once a successful businessman and we would like to keep this little incident quiet if you catch my drift. Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije will be bringing a large steamer trunk filled with pound notes, which they will leave as payment for care given and your discretion in this matter. There should be sufficient to reimburse you for the handcuffs, leg irons and muzzle as well. If you could just have a couple of your orderlies assist in loading Mr. Davenport into the trunk and assisting loading it on the lorry we will be off to Happy Pines as originally planned.

Should you need to contact:

Mr. Tim Davenport
Happy Pines Sanatorium
Post Lobotomy Ward
Room 4
London
W12 OAE

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Dr Barry Ronaldson Head of Care Fulchester Unit, Preston, 9/05/06 9:11pm

Dear Roger
Further to my previous message I have some good and bad news to report. The bad news is that Timothy overpowered 6 female wardens overnight and escaped by posing as a visiting probation officer. Apparently "George" the butchest of our female wardens, (you can picture the type), tatooed, muscular arms, geezers gait, and a gruff-booming voice to match, tried to administer a liquid cosh dose by intrevenous injection to Timothy, when he, (Timothy) was having none of it and punched George flush on the jaw knocking her sparko.
According to eyewitnesses the other 5 female wardens were set upon in a frenzy by deranged Timothy and were shoved unceremoneously into an empty broomcupboard.
Anyway the upshot of the story and the "good news" is that Timothy was captured later that evening by a special constable who shot Timothy with a 40,000 volt stun-gun after being warned on the police radio that Timothy was a dangerous psycopath who would stop at nothing to escape so
Jamelia (the special c)took their advice and nicked him after he was stunned into submission.
Many thanks again for kind help.
Sincerely
Dr Barry Ronaldson


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/05/06 9:27pm

Dr. Ronaldson,

I can only advise you to keep Mr. Davenport, strapped to a handcart and manacled at all times, as you have plainly discovered he is a very, very sick individual. I will send Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije over right away to collect him, Zvonimir says he has a dose of something from the "old country" that will make him as docile as a mouse. Pankracije is welding some steel plate to the lorry to prevent escape and Vladimer is rigging the special gas should Zvonimir’s plan fail.

If Mr. Davenport does try to escape again, feel free to use deadly force. Our deal still stands as we only wish what is best for Tim, and the steamer trunk full of pound notes will be your to keep no matter what.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Dr Barry Ronaldson Head of Care Fulchester Unit, Preston, 9/05/06 9:46pm

Dear Roger
I will order my staff to immediately untie Davenport from the asylum`s inner electric fence and get them to chain, manacle and weld him (if necessary) to a handcart. I think we have a suitable one, it was donated by Lady Daphne De Ponsonby-Smithers some years ago along with some paintings and
a victorian inlaid silver snuffbox, delightful little thing. Please send Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije over as soon as possible to collect Davenport as I fear he may be becoming suicidal. Please also tell Zvonimir not to forget the "old country" dose.
I`m very pleased to hear that our deal still stands and trust that the steamer trunk full of pund notes will be delivered to one of my country residences again ASAP.
Sincerely
Dr Barry Ronaldson Phd, Bsc, Cantab, With Honours.


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/05/06 11:17pm

My dear, Dr Barry Ronaldson Phd, Bsc, Cantab, With Honours,

How glad I am to hear your staff has welding equipment, as soon as your staff and Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije wheel Mr. Davenport into the lorry if it would not be too much of a bother could you weld the doors shut. You might want to show Zvonimir the snuffbox as he is quite keen on snuffboxes and has a large collection himself. Just give the address where you would like the steamer trunk full of pound notes delivered an as long as things are welded up tight I am sure making delivery to your estate will not be a problem.

Do you have a supply of ether? It may be advisable to soak a mattress in ether so Tim has a good rest during transport.

It’s been a pleasure and I trust you will keep this whole business to yourself.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law


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