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Date Posted: 9/06/06 1:33am
Author: Dr. Walkslikeaduck
Subject: Public Alert: Urgent Health Warning


******* Public Health Alert ********

An exteremly virulent virus has escaped from one of our research labs. A technician accidentally carried it out on the sole of his shoe and it is now loose in the general public. This virus is extremely dangerous and hard to treat. Symptoms are -

* Slightly elevated temperature
* Itchiness of the skin
* Fatigue and tiredness
* Small pains that come and go
* Tired eyes
* Bone aches
* Itchy scalp
* Feelings of laughter, depression or anger

If you have any or all of these symptoms I urge to get in touch with me ASAP. There is no time to lose. A treatment is available, and you will soon get used to the enemas.

Dr. Walkslikeaduck

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Replies:

[> Re: Public Alert: Urgent Health Warning -- Concerned, 9/06/06 1:35am

Doctor,

I discovered that if I insert a carrot up my bum, put might right index finger in my left ear, and suck my left thumb I feel very silly. Is this a symptom?

Signed
Concerned Cyberchondriac


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[> [> Re: Public Alert: Urgent Health Warning -- Dr. Walkslikeaduck, 9/06/06 1:39am


CC,

The carrot-up-bum-right-index-left-ear-feeling-silly is a classic symptom of this virus. As a temporary stop gap I suggest you put a scoop of ice cream on your head, a rasher of bacon around each wrist, a slick of limberger cheese draped over each sholder, and stand on a kipper to prevent the situation getting worse.

Dr. Walkslikeaduck

PS. Additionally a long dress with bonnet hat doesn't provide any medical assistance but it will make you look less silly, though it won't do anything for the smell.


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[> [> [> Re: Public Alert: Urgent Health Warning -- Engleberg Engleberg, 9/06/06 7:47pm

I have had the symptons you listed for many years but just put it down to hayfever or possibly bronchial pneumonia with intermittent episodes of ventricular fibrilation spliced with acute bradycardia.

Taking this into account should I drag myself to the nearest quack instantaneously or ould you recommend I commit hari-kari using a makeshift dagger made from some stolen flotsum and jetsome?

Shoe size 8 by the way..

Sincerely
E. E.


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[> [> [> [> Re: Public Alert: Urgent Health Warning -- Dr. Walkslikeaduck, 9/06/06 9:51pm

>I have had the symptons you listed for many years but
>just put it down to hayfever or possibly bronchial
>pneumonia with intermittent episodes of ventricular
>fibrilation spliced with acute bradycardia.
>
>Taking this into account should I drag myself to the
>nearest quack instantaneously or ould you recommend I
>commit hari-kari using a makeshift dagger made from
>some stolen flotsum and jetsome?
>
>Shoe size 8 by the way..
>
>Sincerely
>E. E.

Size 8 shoe, hmmmmm ..... thats a difficult one.

The size 8's are always tricky.

I'd go with the hari-kari, perhaps using a fresh mackerel, and maybe a bean salad.

If that doesn't work, then I'd go straight off to my local vet and get him to take a look at it.

Dr. Walkslikeaduck


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[> Re: Public Alert: Urgent Health Warning -- H.Y. Pochondriac, 10/06/06 7:34am

Dear Dr. Walkslikeaduck,

I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or throw a brick in your direction. It makes my blood boil, I feel weary. I keep getting pains and then they go away. I’ve been through three bottles of eye drops just today and it’s enough to make my bones ache just to walk to the chemists for my scalp itch medication.

Is there a cure for all this or should I wait for a telethon so I may donate my organs?

H.Y. Pochondriac


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