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Date Posted: 15:09:49 01/08/02 Tue
Author: Day: Creeping Trilogy Part 3
Author Host/IP: adsl-66-72-100-154.dsl.chcgil.ameritech.net / 66.72.100.154
Subject: Fic: Telling the Truth is just an Excuse for a lack of an Imagination (1/4)

Title: Telling the truth is just an excuse for a lack of an imagination.
Part 1/4
By: Ozmandayus

Summary: This is the final chapter in the "Creeping." trilogy. Please read "A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah!!!" and "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink." first.

Category: B/X, Romance, Revenge, Wicked Humor
Rated: A hard R for very course language and sexual innuendo's
Spoilers: Up until the episode, "Into the Woods," then the "Creeping" universe.

Disclaimer: Joss got a Benz. Joss got a Rolex. Joss got a mansion. Who do you think owns the show????? I live in an outhouse. I pop in a shack and I eat what I kill :)

Feedback: Much like Brittany Spears covered in honey, I want it real bad.
mrsinister@mailhost.chi.ameritech.net

This trilogy is dedicated to, in my humble opinion, the finest B/X authors today: Joanne W, Melissa, Evil Willow, Michelle, Nick Hucik, Serenity G, Me Jeffrey Patrick, Brooke, Xand, Laura, Jason Thompson, Rick, Jai L, Lucky 13, Amy, Katie, Mean Cris Gump Brittany, Stephanie, Greydon Creed, Nicollete Marquis Mcfadgen, Mistress Angel, Ashley, Queen Angel J. Hallmark, Lori Bush, Vamppyr64, Stephen Howe...Whether they continue to write B/X or just tried it out once they are, IMHO the best writers of BX today. You can just about rest assured if you see their name as the author the story will be high quality.

Authors Notes: I sincerely hoped that you laughed a few times during this trilogy. I wanted to write something funny and without a lot of angst. From the feedback I have recieved so far it seems that I have done pretty well. Thank you again to everyone who wrote to me about this story.

Authors Notes: 2 This fic will feature two guest stars and a flashback to the New Years Eve scene where B and X got together.



******

******


The Summers House
Thursday, January 11, 2001 9:25 PM
Sunnydale, Ca


On the drive over to Buffy's house, Willow replayed her short conversation with Xander over and over.

(Willow?)

(Oh, hey Xander. Are you sick? You sound different.)

(Willow, are you sitting down?)

(Uh, no. Is everything alright?)

(I need you to come to Buffy's house right now. Call Giles and bring Tara with you.)

(Xander, you're scaring me. What is happening?)

(Willow, I have no words for what is happening right now. There are no words to describe my current predicament. Words fail me. I am wordless. Word deficient. Negative word. I just need you to get over here as fast as possible.)

(Okay, okay. Me and Tara are leaving out now. Sit tight.)

(Willow, hurry.)

******

15 minutes later

******


When Willow walked into the doorway of Buffy's bedroom she was not prepared for the sight before her. Buffy and Dawn were passed out on the floor and a strange dark-haired women with an ample chest sat on the bed in a mans T-shirt and jeans.

"Tara, check out Dawn. I'll help Buffy," Willow said quickly as she ran to the Slayers side. Her eyes damn near popped out of there sockets when she got a good look at her best
friend. "What the hell!!!"

"I think Dawn fainted, but she looks to be okay," Tara said as she checked the young girls pulse.

"What the hell!!!"

"Willow, are you alright? How's Buffy?"

"What the hell!!!"

"Allow me to elaborate," the ample chested woman said from Buffy's bed. "Willow, I have been turned into a girl."

"What the hell!!!"

After laying dawn flat on her back, Tara approached her girlfriend. She looked down and noticed Buffy's condition. "What happened to her hair. Even her eye brows are gone."

Xander sat up, but did not get up. "Me and Buffy were asleep in here. Then Dawn burst through the door. We woke up and were like this. I am now officially an X-File."

"What the hell!!!"

"Willow, stop saying that!" Tara told her girlfriend. "Xander, did anything stra....hey, wait a minute. What do you mean you two were asleep in here?"

Something finally started to click in Willow's mind. "Oh, you dirty rat."

"No, Willow. Amy's the dirty rat. I'm Xander, the man-woman," he replied while staring at the ceiling.

"Well then Xander man-woman, you have some big time explaining to do." Willow grabbed Buffy by the shoulder and pulled her next to Dawn. Just then her robe opened slightly.

Willow looked down, gasped for air, and passed out right beside her.

"Willow, honey. Wake up," Tara pleaded while laying her down next to Dawn and Buffy. "Xander?"

"Yep."

"Buffy has a dick."

"Tara, never speak of this again."

"Well, from the looks of things, Buffy seems to be fine with the exception of her hair loss and the addition of a penis."

Xander shook his head in disbelief. He was now a woman. Buffy now had male genitalia. He turned his head to look in the mirror on Buffy's dresser.

"Xander."

"Yeah, Tara."

"You make a pretty good looking woman."

"Ya think," he teased, running his fingers through his hair.

After making everyone as comfortable as she could, Tara said, "You have any idea who or what is responsible for this?"

"Anya," Xander thought outloud. "Somehow she must have found out about me and Buffy. This is her revenge. She took the Governor away." He sounded like he was near tears.

"The Governor?"

"Ah,...never mind."

"So guys really do name their dicks."

"You must take that secret to the grave, Tara."

The witch laughed as she rose to her feet and took a seat at the edge of Buffy's bed. "Giles should be here soon."

"Okay."

"Xander I must admit, I'm surprised. I expected you to be hysterical or on the floor babbling uncontrollably. But not calm, cool and collected."

"Oh, I'm neither calm nor cool, Tara. I don't have my penis anymore. It's not like losing a set of car keys or misplacing your wallet. Oh no, it's much worse. I am so in shock that I am calm. I have to use the bathroom, but I dare not go. I've never gone to the bathroom without the Governor before."

Tara had to fight to keep from laughing out loud. "Well, us girls do have to neccesary parts to relieve ourselves, ya know."

"Tara, let me make this perfectly clear. I am never going to the bathroom again. Not until this ..this...whatever this is goes away and the Governor is returned to me safe and sound."

"Well as soon as Giles arrives we can tell him everything. Then he can decide a proper course of action."

"My girlfriend can lay pipe," Xander whined. "I can't lay pipe anymore. I'm a pipe-less layer. I am completely devoid of pipe."

"I understand how it feels to lose something very important to you," Tara says in her usual polite tone.

"No, you can't understand. I am a man with no penis. I have no penis."

"You could always buy a strap on."

"Excuse me while I go cry."

Dawn started to stir on the ground, as did Buffy. The Slayer rose to her feet and helped her sister up. "Willow?"

"Yeah, she passed out a minute ago," Xander said while taking an appreciate glance at his massive cleavage.

"Xander, what are you doing here?" Dawn asked as she took a seat on the bed.

Buffy exchanged a look of sadness with Xander as she went to her closet and pulled a baseball cap over her bald head. They dreaded the inevitable talk with Dawn about their new relationship. Especially with her crush on Xander.

"Dawn, me and Buffy are together." Xander saw no reason to beat around the bush. He didn't want to hurt the girl he now looked on as a sister, but he knew it was inevitable.

"What...what are you talking about," Dawn said softly as the situation soon became crystal clear. Xander's shoes next to Buffy's at the foot of the bed. The rumpled bed sheets. All her evidence of a new man in her sisters life.

Xander could see the realization come over her features. Dawn looked from him to her sister and back again.

Then she put her hand over her mouth, gasped, and ran out of the room.

Xander jumped up and followed her. "I'll talk to her, Buffy."

******

Xander found Dawn on the front porch. Her back was turned to him and she had one hand over her mouth.

Xander knows all too well how that first crush feels. He hates to think that he is the cause of her sadness. But telling her the truth was the only way to go.

"Slut-Buffy knew I liked you. She knew and she took you anyway." Dawn said in a low tone with tears in her eyes. Xander heard her sniffle and it nearly broke his heart.

"Buffy never set out to hurt you. You don't really believe that, do you?"

"She doesn't like me. She always wants me to go away."

"Buffy loves you, Dawn." Xander walked over so that he stood beside her. She was crying. He placed on hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. "And I am so flattered that you like me so much."

"I think you're better than money. At least anything less than a grand."

"Dawn, that's the best compliment I've ever recieved. And I like you alot, too."

The 14 year old lowered her head. "But you like Buffy more, right?"

"Not more, just different. I love you but I'm in love with her. We never meant to hide our relationship to purposely hurt you. We knew you would be hurt so we decided to wait and tell you later. I know that wasn't the smartest idea either of us have ever had. But it sounded good at the time."

Dawn seemed to be calming down some, though she still couldn't face him. "You're Joey."

"What?"

"Dawson's Creek. I said you're Joey. I'm Dawson and Buffy is Pacey. You guys started dating behind my back and didn't tell me. I had to find you two together to get the truth. Riley is Andie. Willow is Jack."

"I'm sorry, Dawson."

"It's a little late for that, Joey. You can't have us both."

"What do you want me to say, Dawson. How can I fix this?"

"You're gonna have to choose. You can't have Pacey as your boyfriend and me as your consolation prize. This changes everything."

Xander seemed somewhat bewildered. "Okay, Dawn. Are we still on the same page here or have you been watching to much Dawson's Creek?"

"Hey, I just know what TV teaches me."

"A finer education you could never hope for. The A-team gave me more life lessons than you could possibly imagine. I learned how to build things, too."

Dawn leaned against the banister. "Lets get back on track, Joey. You're apologizing and begging my forgiveness and I'm making it difficult for you." Dawn crossed her arms to accentuate her point.

"Oh, okay. Back to the script."

Dawn cracked a little grin, releasing some of the tension she was holding. She knew he loved her and never meant to hurt her.

That doesn't exactly help a fourteen year old girls broken heart.

But it'll heal in time.

Dawn mused wickedly.

"Xander, I always thought that when I turned eighteen and you would be twenty-four I would kick Anya's ass and take you away from her. Then we would hit the open road. We would go from town to town and make a living as bounty hunters like I saw on Cops. We would arrest dead-beat dads and bail jumpers. Now I know I won't have you because I can't kick my stupid sisters ass because her stupid destiny gives her stupid Slayer strength. Her stupid Watcher trains her to fight stupid vampires ever stupid day."

"Hey," Giles said as he walked up the porch.

"You're not stupid, Giles. I was just ranting. Buffy's upstairs. She's got a dick and no hair. Oh, and this is Xander. He's a girl now."

Giles looked at Dawn.

Then he turned to Xander.

Then he turned back to Dawn.

Then again to Xander.

"Dawn, does your mother still keep the brandy on the second shelf in the kitchen?"

"Yep."

Giles walked in the house without another word.

Xander gave Dawn his trademark pout, hoping to smooth things over. "Are we cool, D?"

"Just wait a minute. TV has prepared set rules for situations like these. I'm trying to remember exactly how I'm supposed to guilt trip you."

"Take your time, Dawson."

Dawn rewarded his kindness with a smile. "You really love my sister, don't you." It was a statement more so than a question.

"Yeah, I do."

"Well, this is the part of a show where the odd person out of the love triangle steps aside and lets the two who are in love off of the hook. You have my blessing to date my sister. For the love of God I don't know why you want to, but you can."

"Thank you, Dawson."

"It's okay, Joey."

******

When Dawn and Xander walked back into Buffy's bedroom they found Willow chanting over Buffy while Giles and Tara watched on.

Tara walked over to Xander and whispered in his ear, "Willow is using a spell that exposes demonic energy. She's making sure that it's Anya who did this to both of you."

He nodded his response while staying in the back of the room.

Willow finished and turned to address the group. "It's definitely demonic energy."

"And since Anya didn't show up for work today and didn't call either I think it is a safe assumption that she is the culprit."

Buffy walked to the center of the room, her eyes wild with anger. "Fix this. Fix this now, then start planning Anya's funeral. I'm not going to beat her like she stole something. I'm going to beat her like she stole everything."

"Well, Buffy. That's the thing. We can't fix it. Only Anya can."

"What do you mean you can't fix it? You two are witches. Giles is a Watcher. I've seen you fix plenty of things. Fix this. Give me my hair back. Take away this....this thing," Buffy pointed to her lower extremities.

"Hey," Xander and Giles said at the same time.

Buffy continued. "And give me my boyfriend back the way he was."

Xander took Buffy's hand in his, trying to calm her nerves. "Everything’s going to be alright, Buff."

She turned to rest her head on his chest as she had done many times before, but this time she hesitated. "Xander, those are really something else," she teased while looking at his chest.

"I still like yours better."

"Good answer." Buffy then turned to her sister. "Dawn, I'm sorry if I hurt you."

"It's alright, Pacey."

"Huh?"

"I'll tell you later," Xander whispered in her ear.

"Buffy, Xander, I think that Willow should stay here with you two while me and Tara go to the Magic Box and research the type of spells that can do what was done to you. Once we know what was used we can find Anya and force her to undo it."

"Why don't I find Anya now and stomp a whole in her ass her until she turns everything back to normal," Buffy said.

"Because without a plan and knowledge of exactly what she did, something she isn't likely to just tell you, we might walk into a situation far worse than the one we're in now," Giles commented.

"I have a dick, Giles. A DICK!!! It ain't a flat tire. It’s attached to my body. I'm a girl. I like soft lacy things and getting my hair done in little cute wisps. I wear dresses and makeup. Now look at me. I have no hair. I'm a bald twenty year old woman. I want my hair back."

Giles listened to his Slayer rant. "Yes, well, we shall be going now. We will contact you shortly when we have news."

"Giles."

"Yes."

"Hurry."

Tara grabbed her jacket and as Giles walked past her out of the room.

Willow stood right in front of Xander and Buffy when they turned back around. "You two have some major league explaining to do."


******

******

Xander's apartment
Thursday, January 11, 2001 9:40 PM
Sunnydale, Ca




Anya unlocked the door and Spike walked past her into the living room. No lights were on in the apartment.

"I thought for sure the bitch would be here," Spike snarled as he checked the bedroom. "We didn't see Xander's car outside of the motel tonight so I wonder where they are?"

"Where ever they are, I made sure they got what they deserved," Anya said while taking a seat on the couch. There was a small part of her that was sad her relationship with Xander was
over.

But every time she envisioned him in bed with Buffy, her vengeance side came back in full force.

"Anya, you do realize that they will know it's you that did this, don't you?" Spike asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. How dare Xander cheat on me with that slut."

"Hey, that bitch might be a slut but she's a hell of lot more useful than Zeppo Harris," Spike said as he lit up a cigarette.

"Hey, now you wait a vampire staking minute. Xander might be a cheating louse, but he is useful."

"For what, ramming his face into vampires fists."

Anya glared at Spike. "He's very useful. It's just that he does his best work on the construction site and in the bedroom. Now Buffy on the other hand, the only thing she is good for is turning people like you into ash."

"BUFFY IS A FANTASTIC PERSON!!!!" Spike screamed uncharacteristically.

Anya laughed in Spike's face. "You're just in love with her. Oh, it's so sweet. It would be even sweeter if she knew you existed."

"She knows I exist. She's just confused right now. She has a lot on her mind with the Slaying and Riley's betrayal."

"Oh, give it a rest. Buffy wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Little miss wood-stabbing-thingie will never want you."

Spike got right in Anya's face. "She needs a little monster in her man."

"She has a little Xander in her now. And believe me, he ain't little. Unlike some no breath having people I know."

Spike growled with anger at the thought of Xander and Buffy having sex. "And he wants her too. Enough to hide it from you. Me and Buffy have never been in a relationship. But you and Xander have. Tell me, how many times did he see Buffy's face on your body. How many times did he call her name in orgasm. How many times did he look at you while you were asleep and wish you were the Slayer."

"I had Xander for over a year, blondie. You haven't had anything of Buffy's except her foot in your ass ever since the first day you met her. She'd fuck Giles before she would ever fuck you."

"Buffy will come to appreciate my devotion. The fact that I watch her back and tell her the truth."

"She doesn't want anything from you but for you to go away. You're a fool for love."

"And Xander took your love into the woods and shot it."

"There is no love triangle here. She has passed the checkpoint of Spikeville and decided it wasn't worth it."

"She will becoming back. Trust me."

"At best you would be the replacement for Angel."

"So now that you're restless you want to pick on me."

"Don't worry about me, Spike. I'm stronger than yesterday. Nothing going to get in my way. My loneliness ain't killing me no more. I'm...I'm stronger."

"Great, now you're quoting the brilliant Brittany Spears."

"Ooops, I did it again. I believed you had an ounce of intelligence in the sarcastic noggin of yours. Buffy would rather hump a dead mule than let your cold fingers touch her."

Spike stood to his feet. "And Xander didn't give you a passing thought when he got his Harris inside her Summers. I wonder how many times they laughed at you after they made love. Why don't you face facts. You were the year long sex experiment. He got to bang you every night and offer no commitment of any kind. If the bloke wasn't staking Buffy's heaven I'd bow down and worship him."

"Enough of this bickering. Neither of them wants either of us. I have my revenge powers back and Xander is suffering. That's all I've wanted."

"So now what."

"Lets head over to Buffy's and watch them suffer. I want to see the look on her face."

"As much as I hate you, there are qualities about you that make me have less than homicidal
thoughts."

Anya opened the front door as they strode out. "Spike, when you're not drinking blood and being pathetic, your actually above a pervert in my eyes. Let's go."


*******

Go to Part 2

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