..What If.. -- Club Alien

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>What if I'm a weeping willow?

Laughing tears upon my pillow...

What if I'm a socialite

Who wants to be alone?

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It might have done her good to be reminded of what she had said...to be verbally assaulted by her own hurtful words. It had been easier to hate him for leaving than to admit to herself that she had actually asked for it, even if she hadn't meant it. Her emotions had been a whirlwind the full week prior to that devastating night...and while she had always been a hothead, her true nature had been displaced by her very own body. Thinking about that time, about her unknown condition that week...it was not something Kat had ever been able to deal with. She associated it with great loss, a bigger and more painful one than she had felt when she had realized he wasn't coming back. A loss so great had it had set the precedence for the next ten years of her life, paving the way to the true hell that would surely follow. So many mistakes...so many wrong turns. So she had tried her best to put it out of her mind, year after year...turning the blame on him, when it was her burden to bear. In a way, she had resented him deep down for what had become of her life. What if was a phrase that had haunted her with every blow, every moment spent curled in a corner with fists raining down. What if he hadn't left? What if he had come back? What if she had never met him? All of these things she had wondered, despite the fact that she had been perfectly aware she was being unfair.

Admitting one's own cowardice is a challenging thing, and it hadn't been until exactly a week prior that Kat had finally been able to open the door to that part of herself. And it had happened in such a small, fundamental way. She had been undressing to take a shower when her nose had suddenly begun to bleed. A few scarlet drops had fallen into the sink, mixing with the moisture there to create a garish pink on the pale porcelain. Kat had paused, looking at those few droplets for many long moments. Steam from the shower had begun to fog the mirror, so she had slowly wiped away the condensation on the surface of the mirror. She saw the slight trickle coming from her left nostril, but it was what else she had seen in the glass that had caused the dam within her to break. She hadn't recognized herself. She had become so broken that she could not even find a familiar speck on the face staring back at her. Instead, she saw a woman who had been in a hellish marriage for far too many years and had become dependent on far too many pills simply to cope with the pain...both physical and emotional. With a strangled sound, she had ripped open the medicine cabinet and thrown every upper and downer she could reach into the toilet. When she worked up the nerve to flush, it had felt like she was flushing away a very dark and horrible part of herself. Whatever came next, she knew she would be free. Be it in death or in redemption of her freedom, she would suffer no more.

Sobriety had lasted until the bus ride, before the prospect of going to Cascade had become too much. She'd thought maybe she could deal without the pills that remained in her bag, perhaps flush those too as a symbolic testament to her new life. But now? No, she had a feeling she would need those small capsules, if only to block the rising tides of emotion. Because despite the lash of her tongue and the frost in her words, Kat was pleased to see him. In fact, her wounded little heart had seemed to swell ten sizes in a second flat when she had realized exactly who he was. Being in his arms had felt like being home, as if ten years had never separated them. And for the barest of moments, she had felt that flutter, that magnetic pull that had always drawn her to him. Like the ocean yielding to the moon itself. It was just easier to quell those things with hostility, to cover them with the bite of anger. Because anything else would be admitting the truth...admitting that the span of time and pain had not been enough to douse the flame she'd always carried for him. She was not capable of that.

Kat's racing heart pounded as she watched him disappear into the office, and she slid low in her seat. It was doubtful anyone would be able to see her, but oh, to take a chance was something she could not afford! Fear rose like gorge in the back of her throat, thick and metallic tasting. Her dark eyes darted around the parking lot, seeking out a form that couldn't possibly be there. She had been so careful...had left no traces. Her trail should have ended in Phoenix...so what way would he have of finding her? Movement made her jump, and startled, she looeked towards it. It was just Paige, approaching the truck and looking like someone had just eaten the last cookie on him. She watched as he got in the truck. "No one saw into the cab, do you think?" She asked before he was even half inside.

It took a moment before his words sunk in, but when they did, her jaw slackened. One vacancy? One room? With Paige? Really, she shouldn't have been surprised, considering her luck of the evening. She frowned slightly, debating on whether or not she would just bid him farewell and see if she could go back to the bus depot. She could always sleep there...hell, hadn't she seen plenty of vagrants slumbering even when she had arrived? Yet the constant ache of her abused muscles protested that idea. And she couldn't very well turn him out, either. Maybe it was best if she wasn't alone here. If Norbert came sniffing around, he surely wouldn't expect her to have been seen with a man. Right? "Great." Was all she said of the matter, trying to seem as cool about it as she could. Having Paige throw her out on her ass wouldn't be a good idea either. She nodded to his words when the truck stopped, popping open the door. Though it wasn't wise, she climbed out of the truck on her own, holding tightly to the edge of the door to lower herself onto the pavement. She braced herself, but no dizziness came. That was good, because she'd be damned if she was going to play the damsel in distress and have him haul her inside. "I could use a hot shower just about as bad as I could use a drink." She agreed on the cleaning up part as she opened the back of the truck to fish her bags out. Her shaky hands betrayed her, however, dumping her purse all over the pavement. The pills scattered and rolled, and the ruger skidded behind the front tire of the the truck. "Fuck! She swore under her breath, stooping to begin gathering her belongings. Could it get worse?

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What if I'm a toothless leopard?

What if I'm a sheepless shepherd?

What if I'm an angel

Without wings to take me home?

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