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Subject: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Alison [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 12:06pm I will be 13 weeks when I have the abortion. I really, really wanted this baby, and still do, but I don't have any other choice. I have one daughter, who is 3, from a previous relationship, and am a single mom. One month ago my daughter came to me and told me that my now ex-fiance, and father of this baby, sexually abused her. The story is very graphic, so I won't elaborate, but I packed up my things, left him, and went to my parents house. My ex-fiance is telling his lawyer that I am doing this to him because he didn't want me to have the baby, and leaving and making up this story of what my daughter said was my way of having the baby and not involving him. NOT TRUE, obviously, but this alone could hurt the case. He has 3 other children too, and if they have ANY reason to believe this didn't happen, he will get his children back. There is some speculation about whether or not his daughter was sexually abused too, and it would really hurt me if his kids went back to him. And me being pregnant is a motive to leave, especially if I keep the baby. And from everything I've been told, there's a very good chance he won't face criminal charges, and will have full rights to his children in a matter of weeks/months. That means he'd have rights to this baby, and that means my daughter would have to see and hear about the person that hurt her so much. I know he'd try and get visitation or custody, just to get back at me for reporting the sexual abuse. I can't bear that thought. Not to mention, my parents will completely disown me if I have this baby, and I'll have no place to live, and my daughter will lose contact with her grandparents. Basically, I have every possible factor stacked against me in having this baby. It breaks my heart in two, but, what else can I do?? I don't feel like it's worth having the baby if it hurts my daughter, who is already born. As I said, the abortion is scheduled for tomorrow, so I need advice quick. I feel so lost and upset. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 2:11pm Hi, Alison! Oh, this whole thing is a heartbreaker! But if you don't want an abortion, DON'T HAVE ONE! There are other answers. First, please go to a crisis pregnancy agency and ask for help. Don't keep your appointment tomorrow. It will cause immeasurable harm to your daughter, whether she knows what's wrong or not. And it could kill you or cause you to become disabled. Abortion is NOT safe! Here's a place where you can find a center near you: www.pregnancycenters.org There are ways to cut off his parental rights. You should talk to a lawyer. The pregnancy center should help you with finding one who will help you. And if there are court proceedings, I'd tell the court what he is doing to you, the threats he is making, the lies he is telling, and so forth. Is he being prosecuted for the child abuse? Talk to the prosecutor! Some states have laws about abandonment, by the way, that can be used to cut off his parental rights. You don't know what your parents will do. It's easy to assume the worst, but most parents will be upset at first, and then they become very supportive. Take the situation one step at a time. If he is charged and tried, you can offer what your daughter told you to the prosecutor. If he does face criminal charges, that might be the easiest way to cut off his parental rights. If you think you can make a case that he did abuse your daughter, then talk to the county attorney (or whoever the appropriate official might be) about filing a complaint, and seek an injunction or protective order to keep him away from both of you. Don't give up. FIGHT BACK! We will be praying for you. Having an abortion will NOT help your daughter. Instead, it will cause anxiety and make it much harder for you to mother her. There's NO EXCUSE for letting yourself be harmed just because your daughter was. There is a better answer. We'll be here for you all the way. Come anytime you need to talk, rant, ask questions, or whatever. Keep in touch. We will be here for you no matter what. Don't let this man's hate deprive your unborn child of life itself. We love all three of you. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Alison [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 3:26pm I talked to the investigators again today, and they told me he would have rights to the child, regardless. My daughter is scared to death of him, and the thought of him even having supervised visits sickens me. And believe me, none of you know my parents, I know they would kick me out almost immediately and never speak to me again. And this is despite knowing that the abortion will be dangerous for me. I have lupus and have problems with clotting. I had a lot of problems with bleeding after my daughter was born. I just feel defeated, and like this is the only option if I don't want to be completely alone. :(

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 11:10pm Hi, Alison, Thanks so much for your reply! If you have problems with clotting, an abortion could be life-threatening for you! Seriously! DON'T DO IT! I don't want YOU to get hurt! As for the investigators, don't rely on their word. See a lawyer! Seriously. As for your parents, you could be right. However, I'm betting that they will come around eventually. If not, there are other people who will be here for you. Your daughter first of all, and there is a decent man out there who will cherish you. That's true of almost everyone. And there are other people in your community who will care for you and befriend you if you let them. Go to the crisis pregnancy agency in your area. They can help you. These problems are not impossible. They just seem like it. You are in a panic right now, and you can't make good decisions when you are in a panic. At the very least, postpone your appointment so you have time to think. Get some counseling, either from an agency in your area, or online. Please! Your life is at stake. What's the point of worrying about being alone if the abortion kills you? Hemorrhage is EXTREMELY COMMON after abortion, and if you have problems with clotting, it is a very, very dangerous thing to do! No, the father will NOT automatically have rights to the child. That's why you need to talk to a lawyer. You have months to work out a way to get rid of him. The crisis pregnancy agency WILL help. And yes, a molester can be cut out of your daughter's life. Also go to victim-witness and talk to them! Good luck with this. We will be here for you, offering help and comfort, and we can get resources for you. The agency can help you find a place to live. There are places for people in your position. And there are agencies for women who are being abused (and you are) but be careful, because they sometimes give medical advice they're not qualified to give (such as go have an abortion). DON'T let people push you into something that will possibly take your life. Don't leave your DAUGHTER alone! If the abortion kills you, you know EXACTLY who will get her. She NEEDS you to fight for her! We will continue to pray for you. Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Melanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 2:52pm First of all, congratulations for listening and taking action. I know that couldn't have been real easy for you. I know that no matter which direction you go, things will not be easy. However, you do still have a choice, even if the circumstances make it seem otherwise. I won't lie, the molest issue makes it tougher, but you are not totally without options, and you are assuming the worst-case scenario. Fighting for custody is not inexpensive. You can apply for restraining orders, demand supervised visitation if it is demanded, etc. As for having an abortion, you have already said it is something you do not want. And having an abortion after 12 weeks is a bit riskier and more involved. If it is something you really don't want, you do not have to go through with it. There are usually other options. If you do have a change of mind on this, please let me know and I will see what sort of help is available in your state. Just e-mail me. My heart goes out to you either way. You are in a difficult situation. I hope that we can find a way to help you make a good decision that you can live with. --Melanie

[> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: nicole (:() [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/15/07 12:11pm its whatever you choose.. i had an abortion and i cry everyday and night about it... it was the worst experience of my life i would have been due november 16,2007. my little angels are watching upon me...DON'T FEEL PRESSURED BUT PLEASE DO NOT DO IT FOR ANYONE ELSE!

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: niesha (prayerful) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 4:01pm WOW!!!! As the tears run down my face i just want to tell you that WHATEVER you choose to do WE ARE behind you 100% and that God loves you and that he is a FORGIVING God because he forgave me. I will be praying for you and your daughter and i pray that God will reveal what he wants you yo do. WE LOVE YOU AND WHAT MOST IMPORTANTLY GOD LOVES YOU TOO. I pray that justice is done to him and i also pray that when you make your decision that it is WHAT YOU WANT NOT WHAT ANYBODY ELSE WANTS....I MADE THAT MISTAKE...YOU CANT PLEASE EVERYBODY.... love, niesha

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 5:44pm Alison, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's abuse! But, why would you want this man to hurt another child of yours? Death is a form of abuse too....whether the child is in your uterus or out, it's still your child. And ending its life is still ending its life. I know you feel helpless and that feeling is influencing your thinking, but don't let your fears lead you to end the life of your little one! I was involved with an abusive man and had his child( I left him when I was pregnant). I worried that he'd seek custody. I talked to social workers that told me that he had "Father's Rights" and that he would get visitation. I cried and worried myself sick---for nothing! My son is 14 years old and has never had to set eyes on his "father". You are so sure how things will be if you continue this pregnancy; all bad....but in reality you do not know how things will play out. And chances are, your fears and worries will not come to pass. Don't miss out on knowing your little one over these fears. I'd get a restraining order. Even if daddy is saying he'll seek custody/visitation, he's probably bluffing. There ARE things you can do to protect your children from this man. I think you need to focus on protecting them--not hurting them further. My heart goes out to you because this man has really brought you down--even to the point that you're willing to end your child's life, against your wishes....because of him. Why let him continue to destroy your family? I could go on and one...I just hope you don't go to that appointment! You still have several months of this pregnancy left. And your fears will most likely disipate over time. Please protect your baby.... I hope you'll keep in contact and let us know how you're doing. Take care, Shellie

[> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Alison [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/11/07 5:58pm Thanks for all the fast replies. My appointment is first thing tomorrow morning, and I am not sure if I can do it, I feel really pressured by my parents though. If I don't do this, they will kick me out, and told me they will never have contact with me or my daughter again. That would ruin my daughter, she's very close to her grandparents. I KNOW they would do this too, they do not like my ex, and told me that they won't have anything to do with me if I have a child that is half his. I face either hurting myself, and having this abortion. Or I face hurting my daughter by having this baby, having my daughter possibly see and have contact with the person who abused her, and having her grandparents out of her life and us living someplace I'd rather not live. If I have the abortion, my daughter gets to be free from the person who abused her, this baby will never have a father that might abuse him/her, my daughter still has her grandparents, and my parents even offered to buy me a condo as long as I don't have the baby. Right now my only wish would be that my parents would have a change of heart. I'd definitely be having this baby if I had this support. And by the way, my parents forced me into an abortion when I was still a teenager by bribing me in a similar way. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I didn't tell them until I was 17 weeks, and planned on doing that this time too, but someone spilled the news too soon and now they're putting the threats on again, only this time, they're real, and I am scared of the alternative to having this abortion.

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/12/07 2:18am Hi, Alison, You mentioned that you have blood clotting issues. That leads me to be concerned that having an abortion could kill you. If that is the case, then your daughter would be alone. That would leave her with no defense against the father of this child. You need to protect yourself so that you will be there for your daughter. Try not to worry about what your parents will do. Most parents come around. It may take time. Just stand up to them. We will make sure you have a place to go. You can go to a women's shelter temporarily. We understand your fears. You have a daughter to protect. Make sure you don't take any chances with your life so you can be there for her. These problems can be solved. We will help you, and we will pray for you. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Tracey (Alison, PLEASE read!!!) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/12/07 4:46am Alison~ I pray I'm not too late in sending this! I know what your ex did to your daughter is COMPLETELY ad UTTERLY wrong!!! You have to make sure that you hit him with every charge possible! What the investigator told you isn't entirely true! By law, if he is convicted of child molestation, he isn't allowed within 500 feet of a child...INCLUDING YOUR DAUGHTER and this baby!!! Trust me, the law WILL back you up!!! Alison, everything in you seems to be crying out against this...now that you have a little girl, you see the amazing beauty of your child...and now know what abortion has done to you in the past...why make it a part of your present??? I know you say it's part of him, but Alison---it's part of you as well!! This is part of your little girl--a brother or sister!!! I know what you say about your parents--let them make all the threats they want! Seriously, if they're going to say that they'll never see your daughter again, then let them say it. This is a form a abuse they are committing! They are holding this over your head to get you to do what they want you to do. But this will kill you inside, Alison! We are here to help! We can find you resources in your area that can help you from counseling to housing. My prayer is that you will at least cancel your appointment today and give this a little more thought. Look into all your resources! We promise to help in ANY way we can! You are not alone!!! Alison, listen to your heart...please feel free to come back and post! God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow (it's over) Author: Alison [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/13/07 5:17pm I appreciate all your concern, but I did it, and it's over. I was the last woman to be seen that day, as it took me a long time to stop crying, and decide that was what I had to do. I am so mad about being put in this situation, but the investigators are telling the truth, at most, he will face child endangerment charges, not child molestation. And if he does, that doesn't deny him rights to his OWN children. The law is messed up that way, but that's the law trying to give children two parents, even if one is a child molestor. I can't put my daughter through anymore than she's already been through, she's having a hard enough time as is. My heart is broken, so please, no judgement, I'll be doing it enough to myself. It wasn't the baby that was wrong, it was the baby's father, and I have such hate towards him for causing me to hurt my baby like this.

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow (it's over) Author: Tracey [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/14/07 4:15am Alison~ I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you. I'm sorry to hear you went through all of this...but we are not here to judge you. Please feel free to post anytime. God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow (it's over) Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/14/07 10:22am Hi Allison, I'm sorry for your loss, too. If you think it would be helpful, most pregnancy resource centers offer post abortion counseling services. Many women have found these incredibly healing. Some have come for them years after their abortion, so it's an option for down the road if you need it. And like Tracey said, please know none of us here would judge you - how can we? We're human beings like yourself. We have have a conviction that abortion is wrong, but that conviction ends with the act itself. We're not qualified for anything else. Please know that you are more than welcome here to post anytime about anything. It's a great group of women. My condolences to the struggle with the law protecting your daughter. You may need to step in yourself if you are truly convinced he is unsafe for her. Don't give up. With Kindness, Heather

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/12/07 11:22am I hope and pray that I'm not too late in getting this to you... If I am, and you've already had the abortion, you will continue to be in my prayers, too. As some of the other ladies have said: You don't want to have this abortion, so please don't. Even though it sounds like everything is stacked against you, the fact that you have the desire to have your baby (and the knowledge of what it feels like to be forced into an abortion that you don't want) is in your favor. This child, regardless of the vile father, is precious. You can fight his attempts to parent this child, especially given the abuse it sounds like your daughter has received from him. I'm especially concerned that your parents are using coercion. That is so grossly unfair. I do believe that if you did have the baby, they would end up coming around to supporting you because THEY wouldn't want to lose contact with their grandaughter or with their new grandchild. (But, sometimes it's hard to think they'd come around when they seem to entrenched at the moment.) So, I hope and pray that someone or something will intervene to prevent you from going through with this abortion that you do not want to have. Then, find your local pregnancy support center (listed in the yellow pages under "abortion alternatives") and call them and talk with them. Sharon

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/14/07 11:42am Alison, My heart breaks for you! Nobody will judge you here. Please stay, and we will help you work through what you are experiencing now. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: Alison [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/14/07 7:00pm Thank you so much. My heart feels broken too. I have cried everyday since. I always said I would never, ever do it, but I never could have predicted the situation I'd find myself in. And I know it's going to take a very long time to feel okay again. All I wanted was a sibling for my daughter, and now I'm afraid I'll never give her that. I am scared to be pregnant again, knowing what I did to this baby, I don't know how I'll get past that and enjoy any future pregnancies.

[> Subject: Re: Having an abortion tomorrow Author: luka [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/17/07 2:29am I am so sorry Alison! I hope you're ok. I understand why you did what you did. I would probably have similar feelings if faced with those circumstances. So what happens now with your daughter? Will she remain safe from this monster? I have haerd of many cases of abusive parents getting acces to their children simply because they are their parents. It makes me absolutley sick and furious!! Are judges out of their minds?! What is wrong with the world when a parents rights overide that of a childs especially when there is sexual abuse involved?? How can a child be forced to spend time with their abuser? How you you explain that to your child oh sorry the law says you have to see him? It's disgusting. I will never understand it, ever. Its like condomeing abuse to let a child go into a situation like that simply because they share the same dna.