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Subject: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Terrah (very depressed)
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Date Posted: 03/27/10 6:34am

Hello. My name is Terrah. I am 29 years old and have three children. I was married for 6 years but recently got a divorce per husbands request.
I graduated from nursing school in Dec and got my license in Feb.
I am ashamed to state my stroy but I am so depressed to the point where I just want to die.
My marriage was never great, we were young and made bad choices but as we got older, well as far as I am concerend ME, have learned from mistakes and tried to live a better life. While I was in nursing school my husband of almost 6 years met someone, cheated on me lived with this person and I never knew ANYTHING about it. After my first semester of nursing school, I knew we were taking a break but I HAD NO CLUE he was living with a 21 yr old (20 when they met, he was 32). During that summer when we were taking our break we were going to marriage counseling. I suspected ALOT that he was doing something but he denied and denied and denied. Then in Nov, of 08 SHE came to my house. He had dropped off our kids that night and stayed a little afterwards. She came and knockedon my door and told me that that was HER man and that she was 8 wks pregnant. To make a LONG story short, my husband has been back n forth back n forth, proclaiming he loves me blah blah blah. He came home 4-5 xs before she had THEIR baby and stayed for a month (a few weeks at a time) and he would go back there. They had the baby 2 days before my birthday last june and he left to come home to me when his child was 2 weeks old. He came home, stayed for almost 3 months, left again, came back in DEC. and stayed til March 2 of this year. THE PROBLEM HERE IS I GOT PREGNANT THIS LAST TIME. So here I am, pregnant with my fourth, scared, and hes back with her but telling me at times he'll be home. HE BLAMES me for EVERYTHING. He says he loves me but I will never let him live down what he did while she doesnt say anything and isnt on his back.. He blames me for him cheating on me in the 1st place telling me if I wouldnt have put him down verbally and mentally he would have never went and looked for someone to build him back up..

The thing now is Im pregnant.
I am so depressed, I am angry, I KNOW HE IS A BADDDDDDDD Person, I kNOW HE lies, plays games and is selfish, HE NEVER SEES HIS KIDS. Hes living with her now and after she had her baby she moved back home (which is an hour and so away) and hes there now with their daughter (ANOTHER THING IS THIS GIRL will not let him see his daughter if hes with me).

So here I am pregnant, sick as heck, trying to find work, he does not give me any money for our kids, he does not see his kids./ I know what I should do, I am very smart but then when it comes down to it I am weak. He has put in my head that I AM NOTHING and it has stuck there.
He told me 2 xs this week how much he loves me and will eventually be here. I ask him what is keeping him from telling this girl.. he just screams and says if you cant F**KINg WAIT THEN DONT!

I know that abortion is wrong wrong wrong....
I know that it is a sin and I cry just thinking about it but If God forgives and I KNOW in my heart that this is wrong and ask for his forgiveness why would he not forgive? This sounds sopoo horrible :-(
I dont know how I am going to do this. I can hardly take care of the children I have now. They dont see their father. This baby will also get mixed up in this mess.
I dont want another child involved.
[PLEASE HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO LOSE IT, TO CRACK, I WANT TO DIE AND IF IT WASNT FOR MY KIDS OR THE FACT THAT I WOULD GO TO HELL I WOULD NOT CARE.

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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Tracey
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Date Posted: 03/30/10 10:17am

Terrah~
Welcome to the board! You have found a safe place!! First things first, your ex is beyond selfish. What he is expecting from you is just plain cruel. To watch him go back and forth from her to you and to not care about your feelings speaks volumes. I know you are in a bind even more so now that you are pregnant, but I think removing him from the equation(as hard as that may be), will do you wonders. Right now he has a hold on you--he has control of your emotions, your feelings, and your self worth. He can't treat you like this and then claim to love you. That's not love! It's quite the opposite. My heart aches for you...I know pregnancy is a roller coaster of emotions and then to all this drama to it--I understand why you are so emotional. But I truly believe removing him from the situation for awhile may help you focus and gain sight on what is really important. Your baby is part of you as well...just as he/she is part of him. Remember though, your three children are ALSO a part of both of you and just think how much you love them! I know you feel beaten and just worn out...but now is the time to gather up your strength, stand up for yourself and remove him from your life. Will it be hard? Of course. Will it be impossible? Never! I think once you stand up for yourself, the sense of power that you will feel and know you have taken back will be invigorating! It will once again remind you of who you were before him and will allow you to see that you deserve SO much better than this!!! There are GOOD men out there! :) Terrah, have you thought at all about an, "open adoption?" It would allow you to choose a family and also to stay in contact. Just another option. Terrah, you are NOT alone!!! We are here to help!!! Please don't be a stranger and please keep us posted!!!
God bless,
Tracey

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[> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 03/30/10 11:19am

Hello, Terrah,

Yes, your husband is a first class jerk. But let me ask you this: who is to blame for his behavior? Your husband, or your baby? If your husband is to blame, why punish your baby by this kind of gruesome harm? I don't blame you for not wanting another child involved, but he already is! He's real, and he's here. He IS involved! The question is what you are going to do about it. Will you protect your baby, or will you allow the harm your husband is doing to harm your baby, too? You are the only one who can protect your baby, and he is depending on you for your protection. For him, it's life or death.

It sounds like your husband wants to blame everyone but himself. He broke his vows; you didn't. He is to blame. Not you, and not your children, including this little one. If you did put him down (and I'm not saying you did; chances are, it's all in his mind; been there, done that), he isn't right to go cheat on you. He is to blame for that. Cheating on you is not the right remedy for being put down.

There is help available to meet your needs and to figure out the best legal solution. Since he clearly violated his vows, and he has a child by another woman, you don't owe him anything. You especially don't owe it to him to take him back. It is important to forgive him, but that does not mean you HAVE to take him back. Clearly, he needs to show that he has repudiated this other liaison, and he's given every indication he won't do this. So see what your legal remedies are, and let him worry about his other child.

As for your being sick, the best remedy I know is to sip ginger tea or ginger ale (with real sugar).

To find an organization near you that can help you with the difficulties you face, please go to this web site:

pregnancycenters.org.

If you are not in the United States, let us know and we'll give you a different address.

Hang in there. You have children who need you. Take one day at a time. We will pray for you. Please don't yield to the temptation to harm yourself or anyone else. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. We love you.

Hugs,
Pat

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[> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Shellie
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Date Posted: 03/30/10 1:04pm

Hi Terrah,

Wow, this guy has put you through a lot! I couldn't agree with Tracey more, removing this guy from your life will do wonders for you! I know that is easier said than done, but it is doable! What he is doing to you is not love. If he hadn't been doing this yo-yo relationship thing with you, you would have been able to move on and possibly find a healthy relationship with someone else. And trust me, there are plenty of guys out there who are capable of loving you AND your children, including the one growing in your womb right now.

Because you said you know abortion is wrong, I'm going to be frank with you. Let's say that someone was plotting to kill one of your born children, but were struggling with it...then talking himself into it by acknowledging that God would forgive them. But Terrah, the end result would still be a child killed. You wouldn't want this for your born children, and you don't want it for your unborn child. By what you've said in your post, it's clear that you'd carry a lot of guilt if you aborted. This isn't something you can just shrug off.

I hope with all my heart that you will choose to dig deep inside yourself (and pray for more strength) for the courage to keep your children and rid yourself of this man who is destroying your chance for happiness. How can you find Mr. Right if you're investing your time in Mr. Wrong? Your ex needs to be supporting his children financially. The weight of the world should not rest solely on your shoulders. Have you looked into going after him for child support?

I'd love to talk with you more. Please post as often as you want. We're here to listen!

Take care,

Shellie

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[> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 03/31/10 9:09am

Terrah,

You need to make a break from this man. And, please, please, please don't let your little one pay with its life for his being a jerk. You are stronger than you think. You can see right through the lies he's told you. You know you're worthy of love and you know that HE has to claim FULL responsibility for HIS cheating. I know you say you're "weak", but I think you'd surprise yourself if you committed yourself to washing your hands of him.

There are a lot of resources available for women and children. You need to be sure to get on the W.I.C. program. That provides you with free vouchers for milk, eggs, cheese, iron-fortified cereal, fruit juice, peanut butter, and beans! It's a wonderful program and has a very high income ceiling (meaning you can make quite a bit of money and STILL be eligible for it ;-) In fact, it covers you through your entire pregnancy and for one year after the baby is born, if you decide to nurse. If you don't nurse, it covers your baby until he or she is 5-years-old. It would cover all of your other children up to age 5, too! To get on the program, contact your County Health Nurse at your County Courthouse.

It sounds like you are a spiritual person. I'd strongly recommend praying and asking for strength and wisdom. You need strength to withstand the temptation to take your husband back. He is not a good influence on you or on your children. And, he says he'll shape up, but he doesn't. You've given him MANY chances. He's emotionally abusive. You deserve to be free of that. God can show you a path to freedom from that abuse. And, pray for strength to be the strong mother you obviously are, to protect your little one and not sacrifice him or her as the "easy" way out. It would haunt you forever if you did. I don't say that to everyone, but from what you've posted, I feel very strongly that you would live with tremendous regret and remorse.

You have four children depending upon you. You need to take care of YOU and be free of this man's detrimental effect on your life.

I will say a prayer for you for strength and peace and God's guidance. I know He will show you the way.

Sharon

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[> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Terrah
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Date Posted: 04/ 1/10 1:26pm

Hello ladies. Thank you for the input..
I know when I first posted I talked about doing unecessary things that do go against my beliefs an morals. I cant believe I seriously contemplated that and it makes me feel like an awful human being.
I stand true in what I believe. God never gives us more then we can handle. There are days where i just cry and cry and cry and cry out to the Lord asking him why he has done this but I know it wasnt him who has done this, it was me and the decisions I chose. I know he is trying to tell me something but I still am not 100% on what it is that he is trying to speak. I do ask him to show me the way in all of this and I know eventually he will bring the truth to light. The knowledge and understanding will just make me grow into a stronger human being physically, mentally and spiritually with God.
I am feeling horrible! The MS is at full force, im tired exhausted etc.etc. and I know physically feeling ill is making me more hesitant to this experience but I am looking forward in to when that all leads up. Ex says he will do whatever it takes. I know this is all BS! Thn I hate the tiny voice in back of my head that says maybe this will wake him up, maybe this is Gods way of waking him up.. He claims to be saved which Im no one to judge but his actions clearly demonstrate this is not true. I want to laugh at this sometimes.
I have ALOT of growing to do personally to become closer to God and have that intimate relationship with him like I am yearning for.
Thanks for listening..

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[> [> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 04/ 2/10 6:52am

Terrah,

Don't be too hard on yourself about having thought about abortion. I, too, considered abortion when I first found I was pregnant years ago. And, I'd always considered myself pro-life and had thought I'd never have an abortion. I, thank God, chose to NOT abort. Instead of feeling "guilty" I've chose to feel "grateful"! That's a much more positive way to look at it, I figure, than to beat myself up about having considered something when I was scared and confused.

You're in my prayers.

Sharon

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[> [> Subject: Re: Please help me and my kids


Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 04/ 2/10 10:42am

Hello, Terrah,

That is excellent news!

There are natural remedies for MS, and you may find it beneficial to learn about them and try some of them. One of my favorite web sites that discusses natural remedies is drmercola.com . I seem to recall that he talks about MS. He has a good search engine.

It usually takes awhile for us to figure out what God is up to, and even then, we don't entirely know. But I have found that lessons learned during times of hardship are often very useful later in life. I didn't know why God gave me our youngest child. I sure didn't want to be pregnant! What I didn't know at the time, is that among other things, this child would take care of my mother-in-law during her last year of life so that in the end, she would come to Christ. I also have learned that sometimes people mistakenly think they are saved, and sometimes they deliberately deceive. I was a person who married a man I thought had accepted Christ. He thought so, too. He did live a moral life. But for other reasons, it made life difficult for many years, but in the end, I am happy to report that he really did, it totally changed things (starting a little while beforehand), and was also a factor in my MIL coming to Christ (because otherwise, I wouldn't have known her).

God also sometimes gives us children to call us to greater maturity, and to remind us we are grass, and need to depend on Him. I've walked in your shoes. There was a time when someone tried to deceive and coerce me into an abortion, and I almost caved in. I felt exactly the same way you do, when I found out. I shouldn't have yielded to fear. Sometimes we tend to forget we are sinners.

Don't dwell on what your ex promises. Leave him be. Let him work out his own misbehavior. He needs to face God as well, so stay out of the way, and let God deal with him. You can tell him that he hasn't given you any reasons to trust him, and that will have to change before you will even talk about it. That means he has to stop spending time with the other woman. He has a duty to provide for his other child, and that would cost you if you two got back together. Or, he can choose to sever his parental rights and give her sole custody. She stole something that belonged to you: your husband. It's a tough question because of the innocent child involved. So give it a lot of thought, and don't do anything hasty.

We'd love to continue to hear from you. Please take care!

Hugs,
Pat

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