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Bush Telegraph
Rhodesians Worldwide
.. -- Maggi, Sat, 07 Nov 2009, 8:02:14 (ppp121-44-123-141.lns20.syd6.internode.on.net/121.44.123.141)
you're in good hands J/Pete - hopefully when we get to your part of the world again, a glass of wine and some of your hilarious stories would go down well. Stay safe. Maggi & John
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Not me -- Jimbo, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 23:19:30 (220-253-34-146.VIC.netspace.net.au/220.253.34.146)
The posting below is not from me. I don't intend posting anything on here about JoPete. Too many scumbags with no breeding or compassion.
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???? -- Jimbo, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 22:39:32 (NoHost/120.155.96.105)
Does anybody know who's fault it was, Jo Pete's or the grader operator?
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. -- Ray, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 21:57:17 (adsl-75-56-199-46.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.199.46)
So then Caro, outside of infection, the main concern seems to be the head injury then..
Sadly due to lack of knowledge they will not address infection by upregulating phagocytic activity with ascorbate.
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Ray re... -- Caro, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 15:01:59 (77-100-197-31.cable.ubr07.wiga.blueyonder.co.uk/77.100.197.31)
Ray just read your comments re strokes. Just to say blood clot/s in the lungs post rta (road traffic accident) are common. The lungs being a mass of thin blood vessels tear and bruise easily. As they bleed the chest fills with blood that then clots. Blood and clot distort the lungs.
Given time the body reabsorbs the blood and no doubt they are giving drugs to help but l do not know human protocol. Certainly in animals we would not do anything to pull them off as the damage that was blocked with clots would probably start to rebleed not a good situation.
With ref to the heart Pete has probably got a heart that has had a hammering from booze and cigs over the years so is not in great condition. (despite his claims to the contrary) The pressure on the lungs and inside the chest strains the heart and causes pressure problems, however as blood is reabsorbed it should stabilise.
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jeannie -- jeannie, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 14:49:05 (vc-41-28-186-12.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.186.12)
hi iam jeannie dawies wife his away for a week in zim will update you on the weekend about zim pete
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430 friday some good news -- dawie, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 14:42:56 (vc-41-28-186-12.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.186.12)
yes some good news neck spine ok after he had a scan and blood pressure stabilised. ray its an induced coma but brain scan results we will know tonight.cant pass on regards but bev knows. iam in zim from the morning will keep up dates my internet does not work there too well delayed my departure when this happened, but have to go saturday.dont want to bug bev with this so iam going to get jean my wife to keep everyone up dated as she is in contact with bev and family. i think the the old bugger is going to make it next few days hey.
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Best wishes to Pete -- Caro, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 13:51:40 (77-100-197-31.cable.ubr07.wiga.blueyonder.co.uk/77.100.197.31)
Just found out the news. Dawie please pass on my best wishes and thought to Bev and the family. Met Pete when he and Bev came over.
Caro
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Jo Pete -- London Mike, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 10:30:53 (NoHost/213.1.224.215)
Well, he survived the night,one step at a time, I guess. Thanks for the updates Dawie, appreciate it.
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JoPete -- Audrey, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 9:54:55 (nicotine.yoafrica.com/196.44.177.244)
Dawie, Please give Bev my best wishes, and we can all hope that pete will be okay. I am still in shock.
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. -- Ray, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 8:04:22 (adsl-75-56-199-46.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.199.46)
Urrgh worse than I expected. Dawie can Bev ask them what is he on the Glascow coma scale, 3 worst 15 a normal person.
I am told coma rarely lasts more than 2 to 5 weeks so the next week or two is critical
But they may have also induced a coma...to help him recover quickly, that would actually be better.
Is there any chance that he may have had a stroke that precipitated the accident?? I heard something about a clot.
The best is to ask the doctors what their predictions are... they will know the best.
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JoPete -- Ann, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 6:39:05 (NoHost/209.212.99.44)
Thanks for the update, Dawie. Shame, man, what a horrible time for the family! Please let them know that all their Rhodie mates are thinking and praying for them. Eish.
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update friday 6th nov on jo pete -- dawie, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 6:15:44 (vc-41-28-225-13.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.225.13)
spoke to bev petes wife this morning no change his on a venterlator in a coma and getting blood and andrenalin they say they cant scan until his blood pressure is down , ray what you think he has serious head and chest inguries.all his kids are here today from uk and from zim and cape town. i fear the worst altho his a tough man to keep down. i know the first thing his going to tell me is give that driver a klup, i hope so.
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DAAAA WEEEEE!!!! -- Ray, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 6:07:36 (adsl-75-56-199-46.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.199.46)
Dawee! please 4 hourly updates on Pete!!!!!!
I dont have your cell phone number, lost it when Susan put my cellphone in the washmachine!!!!
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haha -- nevermind, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 5:14:21 (NoHost/120.152.109.254)
THE DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."
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Old - but still a good one -- Pam, Fri, 06 Nov 2009, 0:17:50 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Any news of Pete's condition?
Hope he recovers soon. A very sobering event in our lives.
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haha -- nevermind, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 23:09:48 (NoHost/120.155.202.153)
A twin-engine
plane has one of its engines fail,
altitude and air
speed are rapidly decreasing. The
pilot speaks over the
intercom. 'I'm sorry it had
to come to this folks, but
unfortunately we're gonna have
to jettison baggage in
order for the aircraft to remain
airborne.'
Baggage is
thrown out, but the plane's
speed continues to decrease.
again the pilot gets on the
intercom. 'I hate to
have to do this, but now we're
gonna have to start
off-loading passengers. The
only fair way to do it
is alphabetically, so
we'll start with the letter
'A'.
'Africans, any
Africans on board?'
No one answers
ok then,
'B'.
Black people,
any black
people?'
Again,
silence.
'C' -
Coloured
people, any Coloured people on
board?
Silence.
A little black
boy in the back turns to his
mother. 'But Mom,
aren't we African?, aren't
we Black? Aren't we
Coloured?'
'Yes son, but
for the purpose of this exercise we
is Niggas. Let dem
Mexicans and Muslims go
first.'
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Jo Pete -- lore, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 16:48:28 (host86-171-204-22.range86-171.btcentralplus.com/86.171.204.22)
Terrible news, I am sure he will pull through, I mean - jeez, he gotta be the toughest Rhodie on the planet. Stick in there pal.
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. -- Ray, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 15:29:50 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Dawie give my best wishes to Pete, and wishes of strength to Beverly, he is a tough old bird, I am sure he will recover well.
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Jo Pete -- Wens, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 14:33:46 (wblv-ip-pcache-8-vif0.telkom-ipnet.co.za/196.25.255.250)
Dawie, please pass on my best wishes to Pete, this is shocking news and very sad to read. I hope he gets better really soon.
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Jo Pete -- London Mike, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 14:25:59 (NoHost/213.1.224.215)
Good Lord, Dawie, this is grim news, but thanks for it anyway. Please keep the sitreps coming, and pass on best wishes to Pete. Is he conscious?
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up date jo pete -- dawie, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 14:15:45 (vc-41-28-103-18.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.103.18)
jo pete is in icu milpark joberg his got crushed ribs a clot on the lung and damage suspected to his heart they say his blood pressure is too high to have a scan they want to do and need to stabilise that first. his head injury they dont know yet.the next twenty four hours i guess are critical.
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JoPete -- Ann, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 13:50:08 (NoHost/209.212.99.44)
Dawie - please pass on my best wishes to JoPete for a speedy recovery. Helluva thing.
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no joke -- dawie, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 12:50:17 (vc-41-28-21-113.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.21.113)
no joke his been upifted to milpark by chopper two hours ago he has upper body and head injuries.time will tell keep you all informed. was meant to have a party saturday for his 60th,spoke with him yesterday and was in such high spirits for the weekend coming up, was going to miss it as was going to zim canceled for now.
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Jo Pete -- Ozzie, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 10:41:43 (d122-105-80-12.adl4.sa.optusnet.com.au/122.105.80.12)
How's the grader doing?
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zim jo pete -- dawie, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 8:37:59 (vc-41-26-6-146.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.26.6.146)
Hate to be the one to tell all ,zim pete had a major injury this morning with a grader south of johannesburg. his been up lifted to a hospital in van der byl . bev has gone there this was two hours ago.keep you informed. dawie
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haha -- nevermind, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 8:29:43 (NoHost/120.152.73.136)
Pam ignore that negative comment from the so called Rhodesian, he goes by many aka’s but he is best known on BT as Patrick a CIO informer, his isp gives him away every time.
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Feeble Jokes -- nevermind, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 8:16:16 (NoHost/120.152.73.136)
Don't pick on Pam because she enjoys a joke,there is nothing funny about picking on women, decent Rhodesians all know that.You are in no position to have ago at anybody elses humour when you dont have one yourself.
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Punch line awol -- nevermind, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 8:01:40 (NoHost/120.152.73.136)
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking
of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be f_cked if he needed
glasses".
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haha -- nevermind, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 7:59:37 (NoHost/120.152.73.136)
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking
of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
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Newcastle NSW -- Kevin Johnson, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 4:51:41 (NoHost/125.255.112.10)
Hello Ex Rhodies
We mananged to get out of the UK (Thank God) and now living in Newcastle NSW Australia. We lived in Hillside Salisbury when we lived in Rhodesia / Zimbaboon days and I frequented all the usual dives etc and even the dreaded club behind the Nitestar driven. Is there any hooligans from Kok dor or other mifit hangouts that live in Newcastle now?
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Some whorey, old wench! -- Pam, Thu, 05 Nov 2009, 1:46:19 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Try adding pleasant conservation here, instead?
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Feeble jokes -- Rhodesian, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 23:58:31 (mail125.anonymouse.org/193.200.150.125)
Who is this "Pam" who chortles hysterically at each of these hoary old jokes?
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Holey Moley - lots of good jokes here -- Pam, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 22:50:42 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Keep going . . .
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Apple does it again! -- James, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 22:26:28 (21Cust28.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.28)
_________________________________________________________
Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
___________________________________________________________
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. -- Ray, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 19:47:47 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse","But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed..
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent..
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"
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I always wondered what made the siren noise on firetrucks -- Pam, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 12:04:13 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
There must be a string tied to each fireman's nether parts - anchored to the pole in the firestation!
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fireman -- Roger, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 9:18:38 (NoHost/122.58.106.216)
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat’s testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
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Still in the crate . . . . -- Pam, Wed, 04 Nov 2009, 0:50:04 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
That is very funny - still in its crate.
Just watch for any splinters.
:))
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haha -- nevermind, Tue, 03 Nov 2009, 22:40:43 (NoHost/120.152.60.169)
>>>A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.>>>> Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he >> took himself to the doctor.>>>> He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm 20, going on my honeymoon next week and >> my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'>>>> The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it >> heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'>>>> He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, >> and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.>>>> The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their >> honeymoon.>>>> That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her >> beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched >> these.'>>>>>>>> He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still >> in the CRATE
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Interesting!! -- Wens, Tue, 03 Nov 2009, 11:39:05 (wblv-ip-pcache-8-vif0.telkom-ipnet.co.za/196.25.255.250)
Simon Mann, Nick du Toit and 3 other South Africans released from Equatorial Guinea on humanitarian grounds - what about the others??????
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haha -- nevermind, Mon, 02 Nov 2009, 22:49:48 (NoHost/120.155.16.112)
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'we're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'
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The ethnic cleansing of East Jerusalem -- Josh, Mon, 02 Nov 2009, 7:05:30 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
If you're after a microcosm on the entire Israeli-Palestinian conflict, look no further than East Jerusalem. In the past year, hundreds of Palestinians - many of whom have been living there for decades - have been displaced by evictions and demolitions carried out by the Israeli authorities. This week, after another round of evictions, the UN called for "an immediate and unconditional halt", asserting that the Israeli evictions run counter to international law. The Obama White House, desperate to re-ignite the stumbling peace process, described this week's events as 'unhelpful'. For some months, Dateline's Sophie McNeill has been filming in this hotly disputed part of the city that both Jews and Palestinians claim as theirs.
WATCH/TRANSCRIPT/COMMENTS
http://www.sbs.com.au/dateline/story/transcript/id/600247/n/Hot-Property
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Geez - Ray - you're the meanest man in the hills -- Pam, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 21:56:50 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
We left the lights switched off so that we could cycle to Seneca Avenue and enjoy the street party there for Halloween.
Mostly middle-aged to elderly people for our neighbours. Not many children live on our street.
Seneca Avenue was not as busy as in prior years - especially near the home where an ex-DJ usually has his driveway setup as a disco and plays good dance music.
Mebbe next year . . . .
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I scare trick or treaters. -- Ray, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 19:18:20 (adsl-75-56-199-46.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.199.46)
Pam I dealt with trick or treaters very easily. I offered an apple, pear or orange. Immdiately the first ones to come, saw this, plucked out a cellphone and texted an emergency warning out. No more trick or treaters appeared after that.
Do not dare to offer chocolate truffles, the queues will be ALMOST as long as the swine flu vaccine queues.
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um err -- umm err, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 3:01:14 (host86-160-57-255.range86-160.btcentralplus.com/86.160.57.255)
BTW what is a Fire Force ?
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stan -- Stan (stan), Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 2:58:10 (host86-160-57-255.range86-160.btcentralplus.com/86.160.57.255)
fev, why is everywhere something"stan"
just a quest-tion-o-stan
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asdf -- asdf (asdf@adsf.com), Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 2:49:05 (host86-160-57-255.range86-160.btcentralplus.com/86.160.57.255)
fev ole fruit,
you are such an amusing thing to toy with.
testes aplenty - testosterone to waste on you? nix
i made use of the padres words: have never stooped to being a call centre operative or a garden boi
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Dikkie, btw... -- f'ever, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 1:42:56 (v02-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.33)
You obviously want a punch-up, see you 08/11/09, after Remembrance Day service, if you got the balls, which I very much doubt.
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fever -- temp=low, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 1:40:15 (host86-160-57-255.range86-160.btcentralplus.com/86.160.57.255)
less of the vagina refs: you may be surpised
ps: suprised or not - you still are a
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Dikkie, u stupid cunt -- f'ever, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 1:26:08 (v02-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.33)
You tit, you mean that site run by Bill in Canookistan, ruled by that 1/2 assed so-called chick Kathy Hall and BroAndy? Lol. Yes, Peterhouse does mourn its' dead, Martin Betts for one, how much Fire-Force you do, u anonymose cunt?
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Pam -- dikkie dah dit, Sun, 01 Nov 2009, 1:26:17 (host86-160-57-255.range86-160.btcentralplus.com/86.160.57.255)
worry not about fever. he is a pr!ck.
booted off most rhodie sites. had a spell as an (national service - no disrepect guys) troopie in 2 cdo.
despite having had the befit of a rhodie (indeed private - oh those halceon days in 'delas -dude)
cannot string coherant wdz together.
peterhouse mourns
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Pam -- f'ever, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 23:48:16 (v02-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.33)
Leave the fingers till last, you no finish your meal, otherwise.
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Yo f'ever - need to be a little polite when addressing Rayoo -- Pam, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 22:28:25 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Ray - sometimes you need to preview / edit the items before you post as they may be in column format.
Now - get ready to serve the potions you have been brewing in your lab - the Hollywood monsters will soon be knocking on your door for their treats!
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Happy Halloween -- Pam, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 22:24:32 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Must remember to eat the fingers separately . . . .
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Cheer up, Pink... -- f'ever, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 21:59:42 (v06-13.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.108)
Do zombies eat popcorn
with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers
separately...
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haha -- nevermind, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 13:10:57 (NoHost/120.152.22.163)
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
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testing -- BT, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 6:57:35 (ppp121-44-123-141.lns20.syd6.internode.on.net/121.44.123.141)
screen keeps coming up black, my computer or is everyone experiencing this. Only way to read the contents to hi-light.
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Ray, -- f'ever, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 1:14:36 (v05-04.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.83)
Well, it scrolls just fine on my phone and that's all that matters.
P!nk, gr@b your @rse with both h@nds @nd look for a sense of proportion in the grand scheme of things.
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Sat, 31 Oct 2009, 0:47:24 (adsl-75-56-199-46.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.199.46)
sheez how about a few less carriage returns oops sorry I forgot word processors have no carriage returns but Fever certainly does manage to find em..
waddha mean Pam??
[Edit]
Man of few words... -- James, Fri, 30 Oct 2009, 15:51:43 (21Cust180.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.180)
RAY is invariably a man of few words...
[Edit]
What a load of cr@p -- Pink, Fri, 30 Oct 2009, 6:28:27 (dsl-202-173-135-149.nsw.westnet.com.au/202.173.135.149)
[Edit]
What Ray meant to say... -- f'ever, Fri, 30 Oct 2009, 3:47:05 (v03-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.49)
Republic of Rhodesia
(Redirected from Rhodesia)
What's that? You don't
agree with His Excellency,
President for Life Robert
Mugabe's official policies?
You're trying to undermine
Zimbabwe and her
precious democracy, aren't
you? TRAITORS TO THE
REVOLUTION!
WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS!
GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!
穆加貝斯坦人民共和国
Mùjiābèisītǎn Rénmín G
ònghéguó
Народная Республика Му
габестан
Narodnaya Respublika M
ugabestan
People's Republic of Zimb
abwe-Rhodesia
Bread Basket of Africa
(1965-1980)
Basket Case of Africa
(1980-date)
(Flag)
(Coat of Arms)
Motto: Oppression, Poverty,
Mugabe
Anthem: "Let The Bodies
Hit The Floor"
Capital
Harare (Salisbury)
Largest city
Mugabegrad (Bulawayo)
Official languages
Oldspeak, Weird Clicky
Noises, Newspeak
Government
Mugabeism
National Hero(es)
{{{national_heros}}}
Declaration
of Formation
Some time in the eighties.
Currency
Inflatable!
Religion
Mugabetheism
Population
Fleeing
Major exports
Black supremacy, Cricket,
Furries and Asbestos
Major imports
Communism
National animal
Robert Mugabe
Favourite pastime
Murder, corruption,
beating up White people,
Spending time in Gulags
“All your farm are belong
to us.”
~ the Dear Leader,
Chairman Robert
Mugabe on taking over
white farms
“There is still choice in
Zimbabwe! You either
choose Mugabe or you
choose to die! Simple
choice!”
~ Zimbabwe Electoral
Commission on voting
“What did Zimbabweans
use for light before
candles? Electricity.”
~ Oscar Wilde
Mugabestan, the kingdom
formally and properly
known as the People's
Republic of Mugabestan,
is a quaint little country,
which has recently been
slightly troubled by a
shortage of cash machines.
It hangs around in the
Southern Hemisphere,
mostly.
Contents [hide]
1 Overview & History
2 Economy
3 Science
4 Culture
4.1 Museums
5 Censorship in
Zimbabwe
6 Politics in Zimbabwe
6.1 What Bob say is
law!
7 Places in Zimbabwe
7.1 Harare (Salisbury)
7.2 Mugabegrad
(Bulawayo)
7.3 Mugabeville
(Kariba)
7.4 Mugaburg
(Umtali)
7.5 Mugabe Falls
(Victoria Falls)
8 The ZANU-ZAPU Wars
9 See also
10 External links
[edit]
Overview & History
ZIMBABWE Or The
REPUBLIC Of RHODESIA
Zimbabwean dollar
banknotes are so worthless
that they are used as toilet
paper which is cheaper to
buy the real thing.
Although senile and
delusional Robert Mugabe
was once an African witch
doctor with psychic powers
able to see into the future.
This banknote including
the 100 trillion is now
obsolete because the RBZ
introduced the new
currency(ZWL) on 3
February 2009, with 12
zeros less.
Born of all the best bits of
Africa, the little country
that could have kept its
audiences on the edge of
their seats for its entire
existence. Prior to renaming
themselves after one of
Afrika Bambaataa's 'krew',
Zimbanana was known as
Rhodesia previously.
Rhodesia was created as a
result of God's opinion that
white people are better
than blacks, and should be
subjugated accordingly by
Ian Smith. This subjugation
reached its peak in 1982
with the formation of
Rhodesia-Zimbabwe, the
world's second hyphenated
state. The certain racist
blacks threw a coup with
Robert Mugabe and
removed Ian Smith and the
whites from political
power, and for a while
forgot that while the
whiteys didn't run the
place anymore, they still
owned it all. The Ultra
Commander of the Blacks
(UCB) Robert Mugabe
decided that his friends
needed more cash and
proceeded to kick the
whites off their land, and
give all the workers AIDS.
While the rest of the world
got angry at Zimbanana for
hatin' on whiteys, Mugabe
proved he wasn't racist by
allowing his henchmen to
randomly rape anyone they
so desired, thus spreading
AIDS everywhere and
proving that he hates
everyone equally. this is
commemorated on I Have
AIDS, You Have AIDS Day
.
Zimbabwe decided to join
the United States of
America, after president
Bush offered 20 dollars,
75000% of Zimbabwe's
"GDP" (for want of a better
word) for being allowed to
hunt endangered animals
there.
On 22 July 2008 (that's how
people ignorant of
American freedom format
the date), due to
überinflation, Communism
was instated, Mugabese,
Chinese, and Russian were
made official languages,
and the country was
renamed to the People's
Republic of Mugabestan.
[edit]
Economy
Current inflation rate.
Zimbabwe, the most
prosperous nation on
earth, where everyone's a
millionaire, even child
beggars!.
Like most of Africa,
Zimbabwe, under Chairman
Mugabe's frightening
leadership, now exports
AIDS and refugees. Robert
Mugabe wanted to be a
billionaire, and hence
invented hyper-inflation.
His economy
mismanagement since early
21st certury lead to an
astronomical inflation rate
now.
Hyper-Inflation recently
reached it's highest level
yet at 231,000,000%
(official) 89.7 sextillion %
(HHIZ 14 Nov 08),(Don't
fear, everything is OK with
your eyes, the zeroes aren't
trippling) , You could buy
the whole country for only
100 Pounds Sterling,
Between now and
Saturday, everything in
Zimbabwe is 99.9% off!
Houses are starting at Z$
20,000,000,000,000,000,000,0
00,000 each! Cars are only Z
$
5,000,000,000,000,000,000,00
0,000! This deal is only for a
limited time! Hurry to a
Zimbabwe near you! Don't
bother exchanging your
own currency though,
You'd never be able to
carry £100 worth around
with you.
[edit]
Science
In 2008, Zimbabwe made
history by becoming the
country that invented
banknotes with the
denomination expressed in
exponential form.
Otherwise, the notes would
have had to be made wider
to make room for all the
zeroes. Ironically,
Zimbabweans do not know
how to read numbers in
exponential form such as
1014 as the whole country
has gone down to the
toilet.
how much a chocolate bar
costs.
Zimbabwe is also resonsible
for 90% of the world's
research into how cool
Robert Mugabe is. God
knows who is to blame for
the last 10%. Robert
Mugabe also announced at
a recent press conference
that he has won the Nobel
Prize for everything. Good
on him. Moreover, he has
also claimed that the
current cholera outbreak
was caused by Britain and
America poisoning
Zimbabwe's water supplies.
Though we all know that
can't be true because
Americans are too obese to
carry out such a feat, and
that the average Brit would
have to bring an NHS ward
across the Mediterranean
to poison anything at all.
[edit]
Culture
Two children participating
in Rhodesia's national
sport: attempted Coup
d'état.
This place is packed full of
all the best culture of the
region; simply put, it's
harder to find more
culture per square metre
than anywhere else.
The greatest single
consequence of all this
excess culture is Museums,
"Keep off the Grass" signs
and Crazy Paving.
[edit]
Museums
Not many people know
that as little as 50% of
these fall into disrepute.
Unfortunately Efrem
Zimbalist Jr., despite being
named after the country
has yet to accept his
certificate, which sits on
display at the National
Homophonic Museum.
Recently, groundbreaking
ceremonies have beeen
held in the city of
Bulawayo for the latest
cultural enhancement in
the history of ZANU-PF
rule - a twelve floor edifice
celebrating Robert
Mugabe.
[edit]
Censorship in Zimbabwe
For those without comedic
tastes, the so-called experts
at Wikipedia have an article
about Republic of
Rhodesia.
Zimbabwe is heavy on
Media censorship,mostly
due to the fact that their
current Ultra-Commander,
Chairman Mugabe, does
not like people cracking
jokes about him. Because
of this, anyone who jokes
or speaks ill about Mugabe
immediately has all their
works banned in
Mugabestan and has a
fatwa issued for their
death.
[edit]
Politics in Zimbabwe
Because of their so-called
intelligence, the so-called
experts at Wikipedia will
never have a proper article
about Republic of
Rhodesia. We are sorry
they are blatantly retarded.
What Bob say is law! This
article should be called
Politic in Zimbabwe.
Zimbabwe is a fully
functioning democracy, but
due to hyper inflation
could only afford one
politic. The same goes for
political parties. They could
really only afford one. It is
known as ZANU-PF, an
acronym that stands for
Zombie Arsehole Nazis
United - Paranoid Faction.
They would have called
themselves the ANC
African Nutters (and)
Communists, but Nelson
Mandela had already
copyrighted the name.
Democracy Zimbabwe style
means outlawing any
opposition, If you start
opposition party Bob give
you nice pair of Concrete
Boots.
[edit]
What Bob say is law!
His Excellency has decreed
that all the people he
doesn't like very much
must get out or get strung
from lamp posts! This
includes: You, Capitalists,
Democracy Lovers,
Christians, John Lennon
look-a-likes, People who
don't like starving to death
, the Emperor of India,
Television Presenters, Mops,
short Opel Kadett Drivers,
People who don't exist,
Liars, People who don't lie,
Humphrey Bogart, White
Jesus, Black Jesus, Fascists,
Marxists, People who like
shagging Wolves
and People who don't like
him.
Bob has decided to turn
the Whitey Farms into
leisure parks for ZANU-PF
members, that's nice of
him isn't it!
[edit]
Places in Zimbabwe
His Greatness the Chairman
Robert Mugabe has
decreed that all the place
names must be changed
because he could not
pronounce Salisbury the
capital, it has since changed
to Harare (meaning Shit-
Hole in Afrikaans, though
Bob is oblivious to the fact
that Afrikaans was never
spoken in Zimbabwe) the
largest city, Bulawayo, has
changed to Mugabegrad.
Victoria Falls was since
renamed Mugabe Falls, but
quickly re-renamed
afterwards (see below).
[edit]
Harare (Salisbury)
Harare, originally Salisbury,
is the capital of
Mugabestan, all the
government officials live
there and commoners
aren't allowed anywhere
near it. When Ian Smith
was Prime Minister is was
simply a run-of-the-mill
Colonial city, but now that
petrol is ridiculously
expensive it's roads are
basically race-tracks with
pavements, South African
youths often go there to
race their new cars and go
in the Pubs (which are
empty) If you are
considering going to Harare
try not to crash into a Rolls
Royce with a small black
man with huge glasses in it.
It is the only place in
Rhodesia not names after
Mugabe, except for
Mugabe town (which
apparently has no link with
the word Mugabe.).
[edit]
Mugabegrad (Bulawayo)
Mugabegrad (originally
Bulawayo) is the second
city of Mugabestan, It is
well known for being the
city with the most petrol
stations in the whole of
Zimbanana, with a massive
total of 2. Mugabegrad
also has the cheapest
bread in the country at the
low price of Z$
1,000,000,000,000,000(one
quadrillion or $1,000 in
new currency) per loaf.
[edit]
Mugabeville (Kariba)
The city of Mugabeville is
located in the north west
of Zimbabwe on the river
Zambezi, It's only
redeeming feature is
blackmarket booze and it's
Hydroelectric Dam (The
only one in the whole of
Southern Africa that
actually provides electricity,
all the others just eat into
government funds and
electrocute engineers)
[edit]
Mugaburg (Umtali)
Mugaburg is the only city in
Mugabestan where whites
still form 10% of the
population. Which is why
Bob has decreed that it will
be blown up in 2024 to
celebrate his 100th
birthday.
[edit]
Mugabe Falls (Victoria
Falls)
The Mugabe Falls were
discovered in 1901 by a
colonial explorer whose
name history has chosen to
forget
, they were originally
named Victoria Falls, in
honour of the then
Empress of India, Queen
Victoria Saxe-Coburg. There
used to be some wildlife
around the Falls but
Mugabe's henchmen have
shot all the Antelope and
the Cheetahs have decided
to pack up and leave. After
they were renamed
"Mugabe Falls", some
locals saw newspaper
headlines with the name
and started dancing in the
street, thinking they were
in some way related to the
outcome of the 2008
Presidential Election. When
Mugabe heard about this,
they were all shot, and the
Falls quickly renamed
"Mugabe will never Fall".
Simultaneously, the entire
engineering resources of
Zimbabwe were mobilised
so that the water at the so-
called "Falls" now flows
upwards, a glorious tribute
to Mugabe.
[edit]
The ZANU-ZAPU Wars
Upon Zimbabwe becoming
independent, personal
computers were beginning
to enter the Zimbabwean
marketplace. However, all
was not peaceful in
Zimbabwe's computing
market. President Robert
Mugabe, an Apple user,
started the Zimbabwe
Apple Nerds Union
(ZANU) to promote the
use of Apple computers.
Not to be outdone, Joshua
Nkomo, the CEO of
Microsoft Zimbabwe,
started the ZAPU or
Zimbabwe Association of
PC Users. The rivalry
between ZANU and ZAPU
raged on Usenet and the
Zimbabwe Online (ZOL)
message boards for the
better part of the 1980s,
before Mugabe peacefully
ended the conflict by
negotiating Apple's switch
to Intel chips and got Steve
Jobs to include Boot Camp
in Leopard, thus ending the
reason for the ZANU-ZAPU
holy wars. As a result,
ZANU and ZAPU merged
into ZANU-PF or
Zimbabwe Apple Nerds
United with PC Fans, and
everybody happily runs
their OS of choice. Except,
of course, for the open
source nerds who are
members of the Mandriva
and Debian Club (MDC),
who find themselves
thrown in Zimbabwean jails
constantly for violating the
Zimbabwean DMCA.
[Edit]
Las Vegas -- f'ever, Fri, 30 Oct 2009, 3:20:03 (v03-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.49)
The nearby man-made and
dried up source of water
for Las Vegas, Lake Mead,
seen here, is dry like your
grandmother's vagina.
While the history of Las
Vegas has long been
shrouded in a drunken
haze, it has recently been
determined that the city
was founded by a group of
balls-out Mormon settlers.
William Bringhurst and his
group of Mormon
missionaries, after being
forcibly removed from an
amusement park in nearby
California, threatened to
go build their own, with
blackjack and hookers. "Las
Vegas" (which ironically in
Spanish means "Land of
Blackjack and Hookers")
was the site they chose for
this new park. It remained
an amusement park from
1856 to 1905, when it was
mistaken for a town by
railroad companies and
was immediately instated
as such.[2]
[edit]
People
Main Article:
The main attraction of Las
Vegas is some top bloke
called Threshold
"Jebadiah" Threshold
, who deals Craps, Bakarah
and various other games at
Threshold's Palace, one of
the main gaming
establishments on the
Strip. Everyone there
worships him on a daily
basis, playing homage to
his skill by sacrificing one
citizen every noon.
Elvis performs nightly in Las
Vegas, normally in more
than one place at once.
According to the US Census
Bureau, Las Vegas is one of
the most ethnically diverse
cities in the country. It has
a large Middle Eastern
population, centered
around the Alladin, Luxor
and Caesar's Palace districts
of Las Vegas. The Sahara is
located on the outskirts of
Las Vegas and is the
ancestral home of the
area's nomadic casino-
worker population. The
city's European heritage is
showcased in its Venetian,
Bellagio and Paris districts.
Las Vegas is also home to
many powerful celebrities
including singers Gomer
Pyle, Wayne Newton, Elvis,
the Dion Quintuplets and
other members of the
"Immortal Six of Death".
Every weekend, many
attractive young women
from Los Angeles descend
on Las Vegas in the hopes
of meeting a nice boy from
the Midwest to start a
family. They are generally
at the craps tables wearing
tight tops and stiletto
heels.
Most guys who spend time
in Las Vegas tend to have
an overinflated self-image,
generally believing that
simply by being there and
throwing most of their
meager fortunes around,
which 95% of them can ill
afford to do, makes them
interesting and/or cool. Hot
chicks find this hilarious.
[Edit]
One4u, Pam! -- f'ever, Fri, 30 Oct 2009, 2:58:09 (v03-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.49)
"When you're strange"
you're probably in
California.
People's Republic of
California (pronounced
Kuhl-ee-Forn-y-ah! by
septuagenarian Austrian
governators and "Cal-ee-
forn-I-yay" by natives; full
name: Bundesrepublik
Kaliforniens) is a large
island located off the
Western United States of
America. Its official state
song is California Love by
Tupac Shakur (ratified in
1999, replacing the Red Hot
Chili Peppers'
Californication). California
has only one puppet state,
the since-1991-
independent Fresh
Principality of Bel-Air.
It is important to note the
difference between
Northern and Southern
California. NorCal is
inhabited mostly by
hippies, nerds, lumberjacks,
bureaucrats and Arnold
Schwarzenegger. SoCal, on
the other hand, is occupied
mostly by surfers, actors,
pornstars, skanks, lawyers,
illegal immigrants and a
layer of smog so dense that
it is classified by the USGS
as a separate landmass.
California is a Communist
dictatorship run by the
Governator. The
dictatorship is savagely
ruled by an Austrian
muscle doughboy, who has
harsh blood tax and has
decided to make Saturday
an extra mud harvest day--
most of the movies from
Hollywood they find in
amongst the crap (pardon
my French) from the 1970s.
John Connor is dead and
the state is currently
populated by an evil legion
of liberal gay liquid metal
robots with glowing red
eyes who eat the flesh of
Christian babies.
Stirring into the the mix of
chaos, the state is
frequented with many
natural disasters such as
earthquakes, wildfires,
floods, mudslides,
rainbows, freeways, killer
bees, rising sea levels,
smack, crack, paparazzi,
Paris Hilton's hungry man-
eating holes, and
disgruntled drug induced
ex-movie producers armed
with tanks. If you ever find
yourself in California the
best thing to do is pray to
God and run like hell.
California may break into
two, maybe 3 or even 4
new states. The "Sou.-Cal"
people have a beef with
the stuck-up "No-Cal."
folk. Often you have Los
Angeles and San Francisco
residents look down or
poke fun at each other.
The two halves would meet
in a pissing contest to see
who can aim the
highest...and none of them
can.
At times the two halves
admit to share a hatred of
the East coast (i.e. San
Diego or Santa Cruz), the
Midwest (i.e. Central Valley
from Chico to Tulare), the
"South" (i.e. Stockton or
Bakersfield), the Northwest
(i.e. Eureka or Redding
close to Oregon) and the
Southwest (i.e. Palm
Springs or the Mojave
Desert close to Arizona).
Screw 'em all, California
sucks...and New York too.
[Edit]
Whaddya mean, Ray???? -- Pam, Thu, 29 Oct 2009, 23:24:12 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
No wonder the wimmen walk all over you, Rayoo!
[Edit]
Cape Town -- Ray, Thu, 29 Oct 2009, 14:52:32 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Ah yes James that was a good one also.
The History of Cape Town !
- from Uncyclopaedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. It was founded by Batman on his way to
New York from Holland in 1652.
Cape Town is also called "The Mother City", believed to be due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words "your mother" feature regularly) and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine.
A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy hollow.
Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is flat). Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart transplant operation at its "Great Skewer" Hospital by Christian Barnyard. Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg , so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first. Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 300 years old.
It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se *%#@", often abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!"
Robin Island was named after Batman's faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed "Robbin Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it.
In spite of the revolution in 1994 severe social inequality still persists. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "mugg'em" initiative.
Popular sports are pretentiousness, drunk-driving, pole-vaulting, homosexuality, French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the cheerful spectacle of the
flames and smoke.
Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amish-isation " policy, and has turned it's back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois luxury.
Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for entertainment.
Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However, the bridge is currently not in use as the city council refused to believe the claims of the construction company when they informed the council that they had developed a new building material which was stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to "The Emperor's New Clothes".
Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented. This is delightfully done by means of a monument which includes important tools to roadmaking
such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude's head.
Bergies are Cape Town 's world famous mountaineers who live on Table Mountain and often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian greeting of "Jou maaaa se *%$@!"
[Edit]
Grain of truth... -- James, Thu, 29 Oct 2009, 3:15:21 (21Cust241.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.241)
_________________________________________________________
RAY: I think I prefer 'nevermind's' female compassion joke... Funny how the best jokes have more than a grain of truth in them!
_________________________________________________________
[Edit]
. -- ray, Thu, 29 Oct 2009, 0:51:01 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
James thanks for your Irish joke, good, I am posting it here..
Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help--and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick , the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!" One lady, in desperation,
jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' the fookin' burnt ones!"
[Edit]
Nigerian Guardian News -- John Sandford (Nigerian Guardian News), Wed, 28 Oct 2009, 16:04:47 (tvwt-ip-ccache-1-vif1.telkom-ipnet.co.za/198.54.202.182)
________________________________________
This letter was published in Nigeria
Nigerian Guardian News
http://www.ngrguardiannews.com/letters/article02//indexn2_html?pdate=211009&ptitle=South%20African%20experience
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
South African experience
SIR: On Thursday October 1, 2009, the National Chairman of our great party Chief Bisi Akande; the Lagos State Chairman of the Party in Lagos, Chief Dele Ajomale; his wife; the representative of the Governor and my humble self left for South Africa to inaugurate the chapter of our party. Business finished on Saturday October 2 and 3, 2009 in both Pretoria and Johannesburg. We had Sunday October 4 to look around. It was my first visit to South Africa and what I saw stunned me.
Am I in Africa or Europe? Am I in America? Is this another Singapore? Could this be true? Where was Nigeria when South Africa was putting all these structures in place? If the white man did all these in South Africa why were the Nelson Mandelas of this world complaining? If South Africans got their independence on a platter of gold the way Nigeria got hers in 1960, would there have been all these structures I am seeing here today? Impossible! From what I saw on ground in South Africa, it looked as if all the companies and industries all over the world are physically present there. Ah! Nigeria has been left behind. South Africa is the potential and undisputable leader in Africa. Thanks to the white South Africans.
I came to the unhappy conclusion that the mosquitoes that drove the whites away from Nigeria in 1960 did a colossal and unmitigated damage to Nigerians. I again asked myself these questions: How many black Africans did the whites kill before surrendering power to them? How many Nigerians have been killed by Nigerian leaders since they took over power from the whites in 1960? Let us compare the figures. I am sure the supreme prize South Africans paid to have the South Africa I see today will be so infinitesimal compared with what our leaders have killed to remain in power in Nigeria.
What I am saying is that God should have allowed the whites to tarry for at least more 30 years in Nigeria and we would have been better for it. Mandela survived 27 years in prison because the whiteman was a better person. He could not have survived 10 years in prison in Nigeria.
My conclusion after seeing what I saw in South Africa is that the whites left Nigeria in a hurry, and that is why we are suffering today. Had the whites tarried in Nigeria, Nigeria would have been like South Africa today. I want the whites back in Nigeria!
Joe Igbokwe,
Lagos.
http://www.ngrguardiannews.com/letters/article02//indexn2_html?pdate=211009&ptitle=South%20African%20experience
________________________________________
[Edit]
Father rejects white child -- bob, Wed, 28 Oct 2009, 11:04:38 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
White Negros - South Africa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEtl91408eM&NR=1
[Edit]
haha -- nevermind, Wed, 28 Oct 2009, 4:48:10 (NoHost/120.152.123.227)
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and said,'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty or clean ... it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"
[Edit]
Bank robber... -- James., Wed, 28 Oct 2009, 4:07:57 (21Cust128.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.128)
____________________________________________________
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse...'
_________________________________________________________
[Edit]
haha -- nevermind, Tue, 27 Oct 2009, 23:44:32 (NoHost/120.155.196.13)
FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and whispered, 'Have you ever been f -- -ed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in.'
WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT YOU KNOW.....
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Tue, 27 Oct 2009, 2:41:22 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
For those that need to know.
Calorie content USA Beers per 12 ounces.
Flying Dog Double Dog, Pale Ale 292 calories Highest
Budweiser 145 Calories
Budweiser Light 110 calories
Pabst Extra Light 67 Calories
Budweiser Select 55 Calories Lowest
[Edit]
Rhodesian Association Reunion -- Marianna Kondourajian, Mon, 26 Oct 2009, 6:01:30 (adsl-69-235-152-166.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net/69.235.152.166)
For those inquiring, the 2010 RA reunion, the 30th Anniversary, will again be in Las Vegas, Nevada on the second weekend in October. For more details email me at rhomk1@aol.com
[Edit]
not whitehead -- not whitehead, Mon, 26 Oct 2009, 4:17:08 (S010600173f9e4985.hn.shawcable.net/24.65.226.60)
Whitehead has NOTHING to do with it, thank gowd for that
Marianna Bayerian-Kondourajian The Rhodesian Association
www.rhodesianassociation.com
The official site of the Rhodesian Association western USA.
Officers 2008/2009
John Nash-Webber - Chairman
Caron Berryhill & Pauline Lahey - - Secretaries
Peter Steiniger - Treasurer/membership
Allan Roodt - Board member
Paddy Quinn - Board member
Carolyn Hopkins - Entertainment/Reunion 2009
Contact the Chairman:
John Nash-Webber (909) 930-9765
E-mail: john@nwmolds.com
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Sun, 25 Oct 2009, 23:24:00 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Rhona, the last I know is that Chris Whitehead was the organizer, and that it was held at Laughlin Nevada in the past. This info is on the net so it is not private:
Chris and Annette Whitehead
The Editors: Rhodesians Worldwide,
P.O. Box 22034
Mesa, Arizona 85277-2034 United States of America
Telephone: (480) 924-0431
Fax : (480) 924-0269
You can also Skype us at:
Chat with me
rhodesia@rhodesia.org
[Edit]
Las Vegas -- Rhona McDonald, Sun, 25 Oct 2009, 17:54:18 (bas1-toronto04-1176176005.dsl.bell.ca/70.27.5.133)
Thanks for the info, on the Rhodesian reunion in Vegas,we were wondering is it always in October??? We have to book our vacation On tuesday at work for next year, so thats the reason I am asking now. Thanks Rhona
[Edit]
Rhodesian Reunion - Las Vegas -- Morag, Sun, 25 Oct 2009, 16:27:35 (adsl-71-137-8-88.dsl.sndg02.pacbell.net/71.137.8.88)
There is a link on Facebook. I have not heard any dates, as yet. Ray might know when it will be held.
[Edit]
We would like to go to the Rhodesian reunion in Las vegas -- Rhona McDonald, Sun, 25 Oct 2009, 13:18:14 (bas1-toronto04-1176176005.dsl.bell.ca/70.27.5.133)
We would like to attend the Rhodesian reunion in Las Vegas 2010 anybody know when it is please????thanks Rhona.
[Edit]
Excellent - nevermind -- Pam, Sat, 24 Oct 2009, 14:21:45 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
The best version of that joke!
[Edit]
MANAGEMENT -- nevermind, Sat, 24 Oct 2009, 7:14:21 (NoHost/120.155.66.61)
Upper & Lower Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault."
[Edit]
??? -- nevermind, Sat, 24 Oct 2009, 2:47:59 (NoHost/120.155.82.79)
All quiet on the Rhodesian Front.
[Edit]
Happy Birthday -- Old Friend, Thu, 22 Oct 2009, 17:12:18 (wsip-70-166-17-114.sd.sd.cox.net/70.166.17.114)
Happy Birthday Jimmy Porter - wherever you may be!
[Edit]
Just Posted ON The Official SA Revenue Service Website -- Ray, Wed, 21 Oct 2009, 16:16:21 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Apparently the SARS hates competition!!!!
he he...
ALERT - SCAM WARNING FROM SARS
SARS has become aware of a new phishing scam which was launched at 7.30am today (20 October). E-mails, purportedly from SARS, are sent to members of the public informing them that they are due a refund. To claim the refund the users are directed to a scam website which has been designed to look like the SARS website.
A message then tell users that “24 hours refund can be made to the listed banks below. If your bank is no (sic) listed, please contact us” and the logos of FNB, Absa, Standard Bank and Nedbank are placed on the page. Users are asked to click on the link of their bank and supply their banking details.
Please be warned that this email is a hoax and part of a phishing scam. Users must not divulge their banking details.
For more information on scams and phishing attacks, click here.
[Edit]
Web Forgery -- Ray, Wed, 21 Oct 2009, 15:56:35 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Hi everybody, just got this E-mail minutes ago..If you use Mozilla Firefox as your browser it would alert you to the forgery the moment you click the link for the form.
James, maybe the SA Revenue Service just employed your dog..
You are eligible to receive a tax refund of 740.50 Rand
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 10:56 PM
From:
"South African Revenue Service" <no-reply@sars.gov.za>
Add sender to Contacts
To:
south.africa.revenue.service@orange.fr
Dear South African Revenue Service customer,
After the last annual calculation of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a refund of 740.50 Rand.
Please submit the form and allow us 3-5 days in order to process it.
A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons. For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline.
To access the form for your tax refund, please Click Here.
NOTE!
For security reasons, we will record your ip-address and date.
Thank you,
South African Revenue Service Online Department.
[Edit]
Talking dog... -- James, Wed, 21 Oct 2009, 14:35:17 (21Cust200.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.200)
__________________________________________________________
Talking dog for sale. (Does this finally explain who or what our wee Wanker really is?)
A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.
The fellow goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks, 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The chap is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..
'Ten dollars,' the man says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap. '
____________________________________________________
[Edit]
A must-see flick -- f'ever, Wed, 21 Oct 2009, 8:49:37 (v01-04.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.19)
'Mugabe & The White
African' is a feature length
documentary due for
release Summer 2009.
http://
www.mugabeandthewhit...
An intimate and moving
film charting one family's
extraordinary courage in
the face of a relentless
campaign of state-
sanctioned terror.
In 2008 Mike Campbell, 74
years old - one of the few
remaining white farmers to
have so far held-out against
Mugabe's brutal land
seizure programme - took
the unprecedented step of
challenging President
Mugabe in an international
court, to defend his
property and to charge
Mugabe and his
government with racial
discrimination and of
violations of basic human
rights.
This film, much of it shot
covertly, documents the
astonishing bravery and
dignity of a white african
family who've endangered
everything they have and
everything they are in
defence of what is right.
...Premiers tonight at the bioscope, Londonistan.
[Edit]
Louis Theroux meets Boers in South Africa - BBC -- Bob, Tue, 20 Oct 2009, 9:50:12 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
Louis Theroux meets Boers in South Africa - BBC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABCI0vvBe-0&NR=1
[Edit]
Russia's Hidden War -- Bob, Tue, 20 Oct 2009, 9:29:23 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
A hidden war is escalating in the Caucasus Mountains along Russia's southern fringe.
In response to an increasing number of suicide attacks, Moscow says it is battling militant Islam in the tiny republic of Ingushetia.
But locals say hundreds of innocent civilians are being kidnapped, tortured and murdered at the hands of Russian security forces.
This week Evan Williams travels to Ingushetia to report on this deadly battle for control.
Locals say they live in terror of a Russian security apparatus out of control.
WATCH/TRANSCRIPT/COMMENTS
http://www.sbs.com.au/dateline/story/about/id/600211/n/Russia-s-Hidden-War
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Tue, 20 Oct 2009, 6:48:05 (adsl-76-243-136-167.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/76.243.136.167)
yes thats right Pete, and I did not post the joke just below this,
but its funny
[Edit]
!!! -- Ray, Tue, 20 Oct 2009, 0:48:06 (NoHost/120.155.134.63)
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "It's Jo Pete. The midget."
[Edit]
raymond -- Jo Pete, Mon, 19 Oct 2009, 20:40:33 (vc-41-28-214-195.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.214.195)
Yo BT. Up your kilt Raymond. You will ,of course, recall that my 1st meeting with Dawie was also yours, at The Pull Inn
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Mon, 19 Oct 2009, 16:34:29 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Pete comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Dawie in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "Neither would Dawie."
[Edit]
olf jokes -- Jo Pete, Mon, 19 Oct 2009, 12:56:56 (vc-41-29-21-140.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.29.21.140)
Yo EBT. Bumper sticker, "If you think my driving's bad you should see me putt."
Parson playing golf reaches the 16th, par 5 634m. Stands on the tee says to the caddy now for a helluva drive and a helluva putt. tops the ball, it dribbles to the front of the tee. Caddy hands him a putter, "now for a helluva putt father."
Oke going to play golf by bus. Standing, bag in hand at the busstop. Passing car stops. Was that a motha slice or a motha hook?
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Sat, 17 Oct 2009, 20:12:43 (nv-71-50-73-130.dhcp.embarqhsd.net/71.50.73.130)
Gennilmen!! tsk tsk!!!
I am now going to see the Bulls make Weepee weep.
Up the Bulls!!! the best franchise in human knowledge...
an they even let lil ole me train with them oooo!
[Edit]
Houts-R-Us.., -- f'ever, Sat, 17 Oct 2009, 4:22:56 (v08-07.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.134)
Good one, Patrick, you hout, you tripped the site.
[Edit]
Bob -- Patrick, Thu, 15 Oct 2009, 14:15:29 (NoHost/120.155.110.179)
Bob you were born and will die the F**king useless pole smoker that you are.
[Edit]
I will only ‘Think Bike’ if the bikers can be persuaded to ‘Think Motorist’ -- Bob, Thu, 15 Oct 2009, 10:44:57 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
And now begins what is not, repeat not, a rant against motorcyclists. I like motor-cyclists. I like two-wheeled travel — powered or pedalled — and at 17 rode nearly 1,000 miles from Rhodesia to Swaziland on a Honda 50 scooter, for fun, sleeping in South African police station cells, where a white youth would always be accommodated.
http://www.spectator.co.uk/columnists/all/5403033/another-voice.thtml
[Edit]
English brand of racism -- Bob, Thu, 15 Oct 2009, 8:57:08 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
GERMAINE GREER: Yeah. Now, there's an English brand of racism, which is quite difficult to detect, because it consists in very good manners. You're very, very polite to brown people. In fact, you're quite touchy with brown people. You think, would they be offended if I did X or Y? And you try to show that you're a cultivated person, that you don't have any stupid working class attitudes, any kneejerk stuff happening. But, basically, the one thing that no one ever shakes from morning till night is your conviction that you are superior and you show this in your perfect behaviour to people whom you are quite convinced are inferior to you. Now, Australians don't actually have that quite. Instead what they have is a kind of anxiety about people whose culture they don't understand and a kind of conviction that these guys are going to work harder than they do. That's one of the things. And wherever they look they can see the proof of the pudding that's there. You know, people clawing their way up by working 16 hour days and building their families and showing tremendous self-discipline, and so Australians feel threatened by that. They also have this notion that Australia is full and that the black and yellow hordes are going to arrive tomorrow and just push everybody out because they're going to work so hard and be so organised and so on. So you actually have...
http://www.abc.net.au/tv/qanda/txt/s2702519.htm
[Edit]
Oh - that was good -- Pam, Thu, 15 Oct 2009, 1:38:10 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Not sure that only an oil change would change the situation though!
:))
[Edit]
. -- ray, Wed, 14 Oct 2009, 23:55:55 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Hey! The other Ray...I dont like that joke.
[Edit]
It'sTrue -- Ray, Wed, 14 Oct 2009, 5:52:37 (NoHost/120.152.195.217)
Jo Pete's 80 year old Dad and a 20 year old woman
was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the
hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the
old gentleman and said,
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned & said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their second child.
The same nurse was attending this delivery and again
went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, "Sir, you are something else.. How do you do it?"
The old man grinned & said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their
third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth and after the delivery she
approached the old gentleman, smiling, & said,
"Well, you surely are something else. How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the
old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman, "Well, I guess it's
time to change the oil. This one's black."
[Edit]
Some good humour here . . . -- Pam, Wed, 14 Oct 2009, 0:10:08 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Not all diamonds are sparkly white - or even look like diamonds - until the damaged sections are cut or polished off.
Parrot is correct - millions of then wandering in Africa.
[Edit]
Barrack -- Roger (Roger & June Mabbett), Tue, 13 Oct 2009, 20:40:08 (222-152-191-33.jetstream.xtra.co.nz/222.152.191.33)
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The barman asks.. "Where did you get that?"
"Africa.... They're all over the place!", said the parrot.
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Tue, 13 Oct 2009, 18:26:20 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Thomas your granma was born in 1987??
Boy she started young, and your mom must be 11 years old and you a babe in arms..remarkable family.
[Edit]
... -- f'ever, Tue, 13 Oct 2009, 17:53:25 (v03-09.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.56)
Mr Cumming, I can't really help. If your Gramps returned there today, he would be put on a 7 day Public Restriction Notice, (PRN), and have his kit scaled at the border, as it happens. Good luck, sir.
[Edit]
Ancestary -- Thomas Cumming (Curious), Tue, 13 Oct 2009, 15:12:30 (CPE002129abc5a0-CM00194747f2ca.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com/99.250.160.135)
My Grandfather George Cumming (born1983) and his second wife Elizabeth Francis Boyle Cumming Nee.Simpson (born 1987) and their daughter Vesta Victoria Cumming (born 1920)
all in Aberdeen, emigrated from there to SA onboard the Kenilworth Castle in 1921. I believe the lived in or around Port Elisabeth before moving to Rhodesia. They returned to Scotland in 1930 and listed their "Country of last permanent residence" as Rhodesia. I do'nt believe they stayed in Scotland but I cannot find where they went.
Any Information re. them or their decendants would be Helpfull. Thanks Tom. Cumming
[Edit]
CONSTITUTIONAL CONFERENCE HELD AT LANCASTER HOUSE -- Bob, Tue, 13 Oct 2009, 1:04:53 (ausydexchange.pkf.com.au/203.185.219.230)
SOUTHERN RHODESIA
CONSTITUTIONAL CONFERENCE HELD AT LANCASTER HOUSE, LONDON SEPTEMBER - DECEMBER 1979
REPORT
1. Following the Meeting of Commonwealth Heads of Government held in Lusaka from 1 to 7 August, Her Majesty's Government issued invitations to Bishop Muzorewa and the leaders of the Patriotic Front to participate in a Constitutional Conference at Lancaster House. The purpose of the Conference was to discuss and reach agreement on the terms of an Independence Constitution, and that elections should be supervised under British authority to enable Rhodesia to proceed to legal independence and the parties to settle their differences by political means.
2. The Conference opened on 10 September under the chairmanship of Lord Carrington, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs. The Conference concluded on 15 December, after 47 plenary sessions. A list of the official delegates to the Conference is at Annex A. The text of Lord Carrington's opening address is at Annex B, together with statements made by Mr Nkomo on behalf of his and Mr Mugabe's delegation and by Bishop Muzorewa on behalf of his delegation.
3. In the course of its proceedings the Conference reached agreement on the following issues:
more
http://www.rhodesia.nl/lanc1.html
[Edit]
Irish -- Paddy, Tue, 13 Oct 2009, 0:22:30 (NoHost/120.155.234.42)
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I
Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'
Says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
Asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears
off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man !"
'Tunderin' Lard, Murphy, my boy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
I put drops in her eyes!'
[Edit]
Joke,,, -- James, Mon, 12 Oct 2009, 16:38:28 (21Cust62.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.62)
___________________________________________________________
A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
_________________________________________________________
[Edit]
sorry ant -- dawie, Mon, 12 Oct 2009, 15:23:24 (vc-41-28-96-27.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.96.27)
sent to murungu@mindspring.com is this the right mail sending again ant.pam most of the stones are around hot springs to buhera area all on the surface must of walked all over the dam things in the bush war. ive seen some of them they dont look like diamonds at all.
[Edit]
Monday humour -- Pam, Mon, 12 Oct 2009, 13:36:56 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
[Edit]
Deadly diamonds??? -- Pam, Mon, 12 Oct 2009, 13:33:56 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
I did not know there were diamonds in Zimbers . . .
[Edit]
Deadly Diamonds -- Bob, Mon, 12 Oct 2009, 10:05:04 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
We uncover shocking evidence of mass murder, torture and rape in a diamond field in Zimbabwe, carried out at the hands of Robert Mugabe's security forces.
Watch | Transcript | Comments (15)
http://www.sbs.com.au/dateline/
[Edit]
Brooks -- Ant Brooks, Sun, 11 Oct 2009, 21:28:41 (adsl-217-205-151.aby.bellsouth.net/68.217.205.151)
Hello all. I have been away for a while. Thanks for the picture Jo Pete. The chimney looks quite sad. No doubt a reflection of the country. Dawie, ou pal, your picture never arrived. It must be somewhere in cyberspace!
Another request. Does anyone have a scan of a "Rhodesia is(or was) Super" sticker.
Cheers
[Edit]
One for the scum nyokas... -- f'ever, Sun, 11 Oct 2009, 19:01:16 (v05-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.81)
What did the mother
snake say to her crying
baby ? Stop crying and
viper your nose.
[Edit]
More... -- f'ever, Sun, 11 Oct 2009, 18:04:44 (v05-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.81)
Rabbit: I got kicked out
of my cage for not
paying the rent. My wife
walked out and took our
twenty-nine bunnies with
her. Im all out of carrots.
What should I do? Friend:
Dont worry; be hoppy!
[Edit]
One for Jimbo's kids -- f'ever, Sun, 11 Oct 2009, 17:53:51 (v05-02.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.81)
Baby Rabbit: Mommy,
where did I come from?
Mother Rabbit: Ill tell
you when youre older.
Baby Rabbit: Oh,
Mommy, please, tell me
now. Mother Rabbit: If
you must know, you were
pulled from a magicians
hat.
[Edit]
My China -- Jo Pete, Sun, 11 Oct 2009, 9:49:42 (vc-41-26-203-163.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.26.203.163)
Yo BT. Call my lank china JIMBO(TOT) a poofter at your peril. What I know is that, since going to Oz, he has proliferated better than a rabbit.
[Edit]
Jimbo -- John w, Sat, 10 Oct 2009, 9:40:06 (NoHost/120.152.130.245)
Despite Jimbo being gay, he's a bloody good bloke,and it's his business.
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Sat, 10 Oct 2009, 8:21:04 (adsl-75-56-198-28.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.198.28)
Jimbo, the fake is even using my name now. He is yet to realize what huge trouble he is in, if he does he will gladly change positions with the Saudi that got sentenced to 1000 lashes.
[Edit]
Voss Inn wanker... -- AKA Hank the Wanker, Sat, 10 Oct 2009, 0:58:42 (21Cust11.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.11)
The real Hank can be reached at the Voss Inn in faraway Bozeman, Montana. The real Hank is a decent and wise chap and wouldn't dream of calling Jimbo a fruit. Calling Jimbo a fruit would be taking one's life in one's hands, and not even our Voss Inn wanker is as glaiket as that.
[Edit]
Real Jimbo -- Ray (Men loving Men), Fri, 09 Oct 2009, 7:11:28 (NoHost/120.152.209.70)
Real Jimbo, Real poofter more like it.
[Edit]
thank you hank -- dawie, Fri, 09 Oct 2009, 5:44:06 (vc-41-26-86-23.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.26.86.23)
thank you hank
[Edit]
I know -- Real Jimbo, Fri, 09 Oct 2009, 1:33:33 (220-253-149-173.VIC.netspace.net.au/220.253.149.173)
If ol Hank doesn't love me then I know I am on the right track. Yahoo!!! dawie, pre spell checker ex-compositors can spell, printers engineers can't. A known fact.
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 18:52:36 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
There you have it, Jimbo. The compliments never cease.
[Edit]
huh? -- hank, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 18:20:10 (host-69-144-201-162.static.bresnan.net/69.144.201.162)
IF there was anyone I would like to emulate/impersonate, I assure you, it would not be you.
[Edit]
Pam, what's the .... -- f'ever, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 17:06:57 (v08-16.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.143)
difference between an African and an Arab?
One turns into a goat, the other humps them. Made for each other.
[Edit]
Who Wants To Live In Australia -- Ray, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 15:26:08 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Go See
http://www.supersport.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14911
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 14:52:41 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So, Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he
unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
[Edit]
And now for some Thursday humour -- Pam, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 12:00:26 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
An Irishman man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher, who turns to him but is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water and as he pulls him up asks "Brother, have you found Jesus?
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his legs and thrashing is arms, he pulls him up and asks again,
'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher. "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
[Edit]
Criminal transforms into a goat . . . -- Pam, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 11:58:28 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
That explains why the cops in SA seldom arrest criminals - there must be many millions of goats wandering around SA looking for their next victims!
[Edit]
cant spell like ek -- dawie, Thu, 08 Oct 2009, 6:02:27 (vc-41-28-254-135.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.254.135)
thank god hank cant post for me he cant spell like me jimbo sounds like you tho. hey zambia gets better big building going on there shopping centers etc roads all good in lusaka since i was last there two years back. iam told most of the zim farmers have come and gone. thay could not cover the cost of new farms to the banks.
[Edit]
Best form of flattery -- Jimbo One, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 23:57:12 (220.253-234-156.VIC.netspace.net.au/220.253.234.156)
They say copying is the best form of flattery. The Jimbo who posted two messages this week was not me. Some misguided juvenile I reckon. Hank what have you been up to lately?
[Edit]
Where's Don the hout? -- f'ever, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 21:06:57 (v02-13.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.44)
I reckon he's face-down, tits-up with a lager in a kraal somewhere. Gives houts a bad name.
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 15:51:58 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Magic goat detained for armed robbery
Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery (Image © Julien Behal/PA Wire)
A goat is being held in police custody in Nigeria on suspicion of the attempted robbery of a Mazda 323 car.
According to Reuters, vigilantes took the animal to a police station, claiming it was a male criminal who had used magic to transform himself into a goat in order to evade capture after stealing the vehicle.
Kwara state police have detained the animal while they ponder their next move.
Metro reports that police spokesman Tunde Mohammed confirmed that the vigilante group had pursued two men suspected of stealing the car. He then explained that, while one had escaped from the mob, the other had transformed into a goat before being herded to the police station.
Mohammed said that the police require scientific proof that the transformation from human to goat took place before charges can be made and added that they cannot base their actions on mysticism, reports Reuters.
[Edit]
Humour -- Jimbo, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 7:00:23 (NoHost/120.152.45.224)
Jo Pete is a sadza snake, and he's got a shit sence of humour.
[Edit]
The Many Lives of Roger Casement -- bob, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 4:56:12 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
The Many Lives of Roger Casement. - part 2 of 2
In Part 1 we heard how Casement became a pioneering crusader for human rights in Africa and South America.
But Casement's reputation as a humanitarian has been overshadowed for many years by the story of the Black Diaries.
The Black Diaries are a kind of gay Decameron - an explicit record of Casement's sexual encounters with young men in the Congo and Peru.
They're a secret, parallel narrative to the official record of his human rights investigations.
Scotland Yard got hold of the diaries during Casement's trial for treason in 1916, and leaked them to politicians, religious leaders and the press.
For decades after Casement's execution, it was widely believed in Ireland that the diaries were a forgery, concocted by British intelligence.
Most, though not all historians, now believe the diaries are genuine.
But the prominent Irish writer Colm Toibin thinks the popular memory of Casement has been sanitized.
Those who revere him as a secular patron saint of Irish independence, says Toibin, don't want to admit that Casement was also an Edwardian sex tourist.
Tom Morton takes up the story as Casement returns to Ireland at a crucial moment in modern Irish history - the Easter Rising of 1916.
Listen|Download
http://www.abc.net.au/rn/hindsight/stories/2009/2686304.htm
[Edit]
The Many Lives of Roger Casement -- bob, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 4:55:06 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
Roger Casement is one of the most enigmatic and controversial figures in modern Irish history. As a young man, in the 1880s,he went to work in Africa, and later became British Consul in the Congo Free State - a colony personally owned by King Leopold II of Belgium.
In 1903 Casement travelled up the Congo River to investigate reports of atrocities against native workers on the rubber plantations.
What he discovered was the first great crime against humanity of the 20th century. Between 3 and 4 million Africans were killed, starved to death or perished from disease under the cruel rubber regime of Leopold II.
Later,Casement became a leading figure in the Irish nationalist movement. On the eve of the rebellion of Easter 1916 he was captured, spirited out of Ireland to the tower of London, and later hanged - but not before the British authorities had leaked Casement's private diaries, the so-called Black Diaries, which contained explicit accounts of his sexual encounters with young men in the Congo and the Amazon. Casement's supporters claimed the diaries were forged - and to this day there's controversy about the secret self they reveal.
Part one of this two part series examines Casement's early life, as a crusader in what he called 'a movement for human liberation'.
Listen|Download
http://www.abc.net.au/rn/hindsight/stories/2009/2683292.htm
[Edit]
Snake Humour -- Ray, Wed, 07 Oct 2009, 4:23:16 (adsl-75-56-198-28.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.198.28)
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit.
[Edit]
Satanyoka -- f'ever, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 22:30:41 (v05-16.opera-mini.net/80.239.242.95)
Every snake I met had a sense of humour until they got clue-batted or shot. Best one was a mofo 6 ft
plus cobra, parked ön the grass by the tobacco barns, all coiled up, head on its' coils, totally dead. Yes, even dead nyokas have a sense of humour.
[Edit]
Snakes alive! -- James, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 17:10:24 (21Cust138.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.138)
___________________________________________________________
RAY: I once had a night adder as a pet until my Dad set it free. It had an attitude problem and, as far as I could tell, no real sense of humour. Come to think of it I also kept a ground hunting (trapdoor) spider as a pet and he (she?) had no sense of humour either. I kept it in an enamel bucket and it killed everything I threw in including a lizard. At first I wasn't sure who was chasing whom, but it soon became clear when the spider got the lizard by the eye! The lizard died quite quickly.
_________________________________________________________
[Edit]
off to zambia -- dawie, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 14:59:58 (vc-41-28-222-170.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.222.170)
iam off to zambia for a few days they now want yellow fever injections for there or rather you need it on your yellow card when you return to south africa or they wont let you back in. does the uk require that from returning residenceand aussie as well dont know. they only wanted yellow fecver for the drc uganda etc before. does this mean yellow fever is on the up, the injection lasts ten years.
[Edit]
Crap is Crap -- Jimbo, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 9:10:56 (NoHost/120.152.26.60)
Snakes have dry black humour, get your facts right!
[Edit]
Snakes and Hank. -- Ray, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 4:49:51 (adsl-75-56-198-28.dsl.lsan03.sbcglobal.net/75.56.198.28)
James did you hear they actually did a study on snakes to find out if they have a sense of humor.
Finding??
Snakes have absolutely NO sense of humor. Whatsoever.
[Edit]
He lives! He speaks... -- James, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 3:50:12 (21Cust194.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.194)
Hank the Wanker lives! Praises be given! Now we are in for some honest-to-goodness clean adult humour, AND not only that, we will soon be privileged to see his burning intelligence at work!
[Edit]
... -- f'ever, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 1:11:06 (t12-04.opera-mini.net/94.246.126.195)
Hank, wb,well, I could put a trace on the phone, or just google the numbers. Their Mom is going well pissed off. Maybe I should ask Ray to have a word, 'splain how it works. sometimes.
Good post, MgmBob, however the earnings ratio vis-a-vis rich/poor has changed vastly since those days and the ndt just gives us int. I bet if the tax-payers stopped paying tax, a lot of politicians wouldn't be eating dinner tonight either.
Compare: UK/World prices/wages now against Rhodesian. Whatever is said, society out there was a lot more equal than anyone gives credit to.
[Edit]
pathetic -- hank, Tue, 06 Oct 2009, 0:10:10 (host-72-175-125-231.bzm-mt.client.bresnan.net/72.175.125.231)
Does infantile humour always have to be filthy?
[Edit]
. -- ray, Mon, 05 Oct 2009, 20:26:52 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with triplets.
Her husband was in such a hurry that he took a short cut to the hospital through a gang infested neighborhood. A car with gangsters drove by and shot three shots at the car, hitting the woman in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
[Edit]
Joke... -- James., Mon, 05 Oct 2009, 17:01:37 (21Cust91.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.91)
_________________________________________________________
DUCKS IN HEAVEN.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on
a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The fellow says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
________________________________________________________
[Edit]
bob bob -- dawie, Mon, 05 Oct 2009, 14:49:10 (vc-41-26-55-159.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.26.55.159)
yip bob you right boet.then they start the crime hijacking house robberies blah blah. latest here is the kidnapping in joberg, they talking of armed guards at the nursery schools. land grab in natal has started. world cup i would not come to south africa for it and i live here. how the hell vistors could protect themselves.
[Edit]
Tax Cuts -- John Sandford (Right on Target - Tax Cuts), Mon, 05 Oct 2009, 11:43:49 (tvwt-ip-ccache-1-vif1.telkom-ipnet.co.za/198.54.202.182)
Bob, your article from Time Magazine, 1958 is excellent.
If only this "Dawn of Understanding", had been implemented by the British Government in 1960, then we would all have had a great Rhodesia today!
[Edit]
TAX CUTS -- BOB, Mon, 05 Oct 2009, 10:25:14 (mk-airlines-rtr-e1.hiway.co.uk/195.12.0.225)
OK I have decided to put a South African spin to an old story so Blacks can understand what happens to taxes, tax cuts and what happens when Whites leave….Also check the 1958 article below…From Time magazine.
Suppose there are ten men who go to dinner every night. Six of them are Black, one Coloured, one Indian and two Whites. The one White guy is middleclass and the other is rich. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The bill comes to R1000, but four Blacks pay nothing, they eat for free every night. Two Blacks pay a share of R20 and R30 each. The Coloured guy pays R100, the Indian pays R150, the middle class White guy pays R200 and the rich White guy pays R500.
Everything went well. The ten men ate happily every night until one day the restaurant owner said that they were such good customers he was going to give them a break so he reduced the bill with R200. (In tax language a tax cut).
So the first four Black guys were basically unaffected by this and still ate for free, but the six others started thinking about how they would split the R200 cut in the Bill so everyone would get his fair share.
R200 divided by six would mean R33.33 each. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the two paying Blacks would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant own er suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
So the first paying Black guy that night only had to pay R16, the second paying Black guy only paid R24, the coloured guy paid R80, the Indian guy R120, the middleclass White guy paid R160 and the rich White guy paid R400 instead of his usual R500. Each of the original six paying ones were better off than before. The first four Black guys still got their meal for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. The first paying black said he only got R4 from the R200. The second Black guy said he only saved R6. The Coloured and the Indian guys were a bit grumpy that they only got R20 and R30 off their usual bill, but otherwise they were happy that they paid less that night.
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four Black men in unison, “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”
The Blacks looked at the middle class White guy who got R40 from the R200 discount and the rich White guy who got a wopping R100 and they became bitter about it.
So the six Blacks surrounded the two White guys, beat them up and stole what they had on them.
The next night the men met again for dinner, but noticeably absent were the two White men who decided to go to another restaurant and not eat with them anymore. At first nobody missed the two White guys and they all sat down and ate without them, but then the bill came and to their horror they discovered that they were now R560 short of paying their bill. Imagine that!
And that dear fellows…. is how it works when you tax White people to death, beat them up and steal from them. They will just not show up at the table anymore and will just decide to go have dinner somewhere else,… which means that you will be on your own and will have to pay all the bills yourself…and there will be no more free lunches, you will catch rats and scratch in dustbins just like in Zimbabwe after the Whites have left.
[Edit]
laffing boy -- f'ever, Mon, 05 Oct 2009, 2:11:25 (t04-12.opera-mini.net/94.246.126.75)
Did your Zimbo site get hacked again whilst your Mom was out doing tricks and left you alone with the keyboard again? Grow some tits and act like a real woman for a change.
[Edit]
Sik Joke -- Don Bezedenhout (laffing), Sun, 04 Oct 2009, 23:24:42 (92.40.33.171.sub.mbb.three.co.uk/92.40.33.171)
Mummy mummy the guys at school are saying that Fever has sex with himself
no he's just a bit of a w'nker
[Edit]
Guy Fawkes and Colonialism -- John Sandford (Concerned), Sun, 04 Oct 2009, 14:46:41 (tvwt-ip-ccache-1-vif1.telkom-ipnet.co.za/198.54.202.182)
The previous weeks copy of the Bulawayo Newsletter, The Morning Mirror, advertisers a 5th of November Guy Fawkes fire works display to be held at Ncema Dam and Bulawayo residents are invited to attend.
Comment; -
English traditions such as Guy Fawkes, Queen's Birthday parades, flying Union Jack's, etc., came to an end in Africa, with Macmillan's "Winds of Change' speech, marking the end of Colonialism in Africa in 1960.
Those who persist in staging events like the above, put themselves and others at serious risk, facing eviction and confiscation of their properties. A fire works display is quite OK, but definitely not the English tradition Guy Fawkes.
Regretably, those who voted for the Roy Welensky 1961 constitution, did not want an Independent Rhodesia in 1960, and did not want an Independent Zimbabwe in 1980. It suggests their mind set remains fixed as Illegitimate English settlers in a land they are attached to, but alienated from.
The above assessment is made taking into account the politically situation prevailing since 1980.
Comments from readers would be most welcome.
[Edit]
Queen Mother arrives in Salisbury -- Bob, Sat, 03 Oct 2009, 6:58:55 (macanp1.lnk.telstra.net/203.45.105.55)
Salisbury, Rhodesia / Zimbabwe. Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother arrives in Salisbury.
MS Guard of Honour presenting arms. Salisbury airport building in background. MS VIP's including Lord Malvern, Prime Minister of the Federation of Rhodesia in centre. LS BOAC Britannia aeroplane taxiing towards camera. MS Queen Mother at aircraft door - then proceeds down steps. MS Queen Mother being greeted by acting Governor General Sir Robert Tredgold. CU Queen Mother greeting other Governors etc. MS Ditto from end of line. LS Back view of Queen Mother at saluting base Guards present arms, airport building in background. MS Queen Mother inspecting Guard of Honour. MS Federal coat of arms, Union Jack and two spectators. LS Crowds of all races waving. MS Car with Queen Mother approaches camera, pan with car and end with view along 1st Street.
http://www.britishpathe.com/record.php?id=66756
[Edit]
van -- dawie, Fri, 02 Oct 2009, 9:43:40 (vc-41-28-107-141.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.107.141)
two father xmas on a roof which one is van, the one with the easter egg.
[Edit]
Aussie Braai -- Caro, Fri, 02 Oct 2009, 8:07:32 (77-100-197-31.cable.ubr07.wiga.blueyonder.co.uk/77.100.197.31)
Passing this on for ORAFS and AFAZ please pass onwards anyone who may be interested.
Air Force Association of Zimbabwe
P.O. Box 367
Springwood
Qld 4127
Australia
Fax 07 32080279 eMail: nigel@merlynproducts.com.au
AFAZ DOWN UNDER 2009
The venue is in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia on: -
Date - Sunday 8th November 2009
Venue – Residents Facilities, the driveway after 71 St Andrews Drive, Riverlakes, Cornubia (for GPS enter Loganholme), Qld 4130 (site will be signed).
Time – 11.00am to 5.00 p.m.
Lunch – BYO braai or Picnic Lunch and drinks. A Gas braai is available on site.
Desert, Tea & Coffee will be provided.
Drinks – BYO.
Dress – Comfortable.
Cost – Free.
Accommodation – Can be arranged.
If you are coming from out of town and require a BBQ pack, this can be arranged for a cost of $10.00. RSVP by 1st November 2009 so that we can arrange the packs. We will require payment with your request.
There is a bottle shop as you drive into the estate if you require drinks.
Please note that this is a reunion for all so please pass this on to all ex Air Force personnel and their families as well as anyone who has an interest or has had anything to do with Air Force in all of its forms over the years.
Please eMail Nigel and Jenny and advise if you will be attending and also give numbers and names of friends going with you.
We look forward to seeing you there.
Nigel and Jenny Fotheringham.
[Edit]
Joke -- Jo Pete, Fri, 02 Oct 2009, 7:46:41 (vc-41-29-184-120.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.29.184.120)
Pretty little girl is sitting on a park bench with her Daxie. Nun walking past.
Hello little girl. You are so pretty and what a pretty dress you are wearing. What a nice dog. What's his name?
Porky.
Oh is he called Porky because he's so fat?
No he's called Porky because he fucks pigs.
[Edit]
little red riding hood -- dawie, Fri, 02 Oct 2009, 6:03:06 (vc-41-28-7-38.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.7.38)
little red riding hood is running in the forest iam off to see my granny iam off to see my granny.suddenly she stops and sees the big bad wolfs hideing behind a big tree just his head showing. what big eyes you have she says, fuck off iam haveing a shit.
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Sick jokes? -- James, Thu, 01 Oct 2009, 23:19:17 (21Cust213.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.213)
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RAY: Ooooh! These 'sick jokes' (I think they are called) enjoyed great popularity in the 1960's).
-Mommmy mommy, why am I going round in circles?
Mother: Shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor!"
-Cross your feet Jesus; we only have one nail left...
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. -- Ray, Thu, 01 Oct 2009, 16:08:14 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
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Pielie Joke -- Pete Nel,ex Que Que. (Lekker), Thu, 01 Oct 2009, 15:28:09 (CPE-124-182-40-195.sa.bigpond.net.au/124.182.40.195)
A guy goes into a barber's shop with his young daughter wearing a short dress sucking on a lolly pop, the girl drop's the lolly pop and bends down to pick it up, the barber says's, have you got hairs on it love! the girl say's! fuck off I am only five.
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JOKE. -- James., Wed, 30 Sep 2009, 23:48:39 (21Cust86.tnt3.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.17.86)
___________________________________________________________SIPPING
VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper
he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.'
He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Meraai was reg . . . -- Pam, Wed, 30 Sep 2009, 22:38:32 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Wie sou die Blou Bulle wil ondersteun?
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Pielie -- Jo Pete, Wed, 30 Sep 2009, 10:27:02 (vc-41-31-245-161.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.31.245.161)
Yo BT. Seems I have mis identified Nellie and attributed the nanny remarks to that fine old Rhodie Pete Nel,ex Que Que. First off profuse apologies to my old gabba.
To the other aresehole using the original N D P, get a life.
Go and cause your shit elsewhere.
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WeePee Rugby Joke.. -- Ray, Tue, 29 Sep 2009, 22:56:32 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Meraai is die klaagster in 'n verkragtingsaak teen Gatiep.
Sy lewer getuienis in die getuiebank soos volg:
"Nei djou Onner, ek staan nogal soe en eitkyk by my venstetjie na onne toe en ek sien die "Blue Bulls bus" verby kom. Skielik, voor djy kan sê HABANA, verskyn Gatiepie hier vlak agter my. Hy klap die venstetjie van boe af agter my nek. Vas! En daa staat ek toe - ek kan nie bewieg nie.
Djou Onner, (en sy pik 'n traantjie) toe violate hy my somme van agter af!"
Gatiepie se prokureur kom aan die beurt tydens kruisondervraging en vra vir Meraai waarom sy dan geensins geskree het tydens die daad nie.
Haar antwoord volg ewe kordaat:
"Nei djou Onner, netnou dink die mense ek support die Bulls!"
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Pielie -- Jo Pete, Tue, 29 Sep 2009, 20:21:09 (vc-41-28-64-2.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.64.2)
Yo BT. Pielie sometimes I really wonder about your brain. You calling my ex wives nannies??? If you can only make an arsehole when you open your mouth best don't open it. But in fairness I think that sometimes you don't realise what kak comes out of it sometimes.
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back from zim -- dawie, Sun, 27 Sep 2009, 7:17:58 (vc-41-28-215-232.umts.vodacom.co.za/41.28.215.232)
hello to all , seems quite here for a change did another zim trip things going on but now theres talk of bee movements starting up in the companies and investors back off again. thousands of trucks carring good to who knows where from mining equipment to farming. passed on the way back 50 40meter trucks with copper on. ant sent you the pics of umvuma.had no power cuts this time but harare still has no water in most places. from print in zim len barnes died last week heart attack wife found him in front of the tv in harare good one len way to go. dawie
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Voyeur... -- f'ever, Sat, 26 Sep 2009, 19:15:59 (t07-14.opera-mini.net/94.246.126.125)
Geez, Obs, that actually happened to you? You are such a whore for nothing, in that case.
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Fever might argue -- (an observation), Sat, 26 Sep 2009, 1:20:16 (host86-128-58-173.range86-128.btcentralplus.com/86.128.58.173)
probably poke a stick
but then she might say ARR ELL EYE
SMAAK TO NIGH BUT DONT SSMAAK TO PAY
...as you were
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finding a long lost friend -- pam lynch formely lakey, Thu, 24 Sep 2009, 21:14:13 (5ac09a9b.bb.sky.com/90.192.154.155)
Iam looking for Karen Makin,we worked together at the Reserve Bank Rhodesia Salisbury WAY BACK.... If you or anyone who knows of her where about, please let her know her mate Pam is trying to get a hold of her.Please get in touch,via this site, or Face book Thanks Pam
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Sex Degrees Of Separation -- Nellie, Thu, 24 Sep 2009, 12:51:10 (CPE-121-221-129-172.wa.bigpond.net.au/121.221.129.172)
And then at the opposite end of the scale, Jo Pete has done more nanny's than you could poke a stick at.
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Sex Degrees Of Separation -- Nellie, Thu, 24 Sep 2009, 11:25:16 (CPE-60-231-242-122.wa.bigpond.net.au/60.231.242.122)
This count's Jimbo out, he has only ever had D.I.Y sex.
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. -- Ray, Wed, 23 Sep 2009, 16:26:42 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Actually correct website is
http://calculators.lloydspharmacy.com/SexDegrees/index.aspx
Even if you had only one sexual partner starting age 28
the number is 150,000 for the AVERAGE person.
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Sex Degrees Of Separation. -- Ray, Wed, 23 Sep 2009, 16:15:13 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
it has been calculated that if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone, there are only six degrees of separation between you and every one else in the world. In a new twist, a calculator for Sex Degrees of Separation has been made by Loyds Pharmacy.
The average Brit has had about 2.8 million sex partners if you include the partners of partners of all the persons they have had sex with.
You can calculate how many direct and indirect sexual partners you have had in your lifetime on this website. You must know the approximate ages of all you sexual partners. The calculator allows for a maximum of 50 partners, and only allows entry of age 16 or higher.
If you have had male male sex, the number skyrockets.
If you have had more than 50 partners and you are over 50 then don't bother. You have had direct and indirect contact of over ten million.
Here is the website.
http://calculators.lloydspharmacy.com/SexDegrees/results.aspx
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Great jokes - thanks -- Pam, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 22:17:52 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Thanks for the excellent humour - Ray.
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. -- Ray, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 21:12:02 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve some bad news. You have cancer and you’d better put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. ‘Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old lady friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter
leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.’
The women said:
All I am doing is putting my affairs in order.
‘I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
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. -- Ray, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 21:04:38 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
No girl should be without her cuchini this summer..
https://www.cuchini.com/
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. -- Ray, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 20:52:14 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
Ok Pam!
A guy orders a beer…The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blonde’s boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs the man jumps up and starts to lick her tits… SHE DECKS HIM! He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning.
“Damn lady, why do you let the bartender do it?,” the man asks.
“Because,” says the blonde, “He has a lickor license.”
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Monday humour -- Pam, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 3:35:50 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
TWENTY DOLLARS...
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed..
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $10 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $20 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the result of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $30 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him..
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...
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Jislaaik - James and Ray muddle my history . . -- Pam, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 3:30:55 (d24-150-28-95.home.cgocable.net/24.150.28.95)
Interesting ideas you all have about British history.
Nice jokes too.
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Hail! -- James., Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 3:14:15 (21Cust142.tnt3.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.17.142)
_________________________________________________________
Hail JIMBO! King of Scots! All we have to do is,
-FIND A WEE STANE WI' A RING,
-THEN SIT DOON AN' PROCLAIM YERSEL' KING!
I don't think one is elected King of Scots - you just grab the throne using strong-arm tactics like The Bruce or Wallace... I read that Wallace could swirl that great sword of his so fiercely that 'heid and hat did fly' on one occasion.
RAY: I recall that Smuts had an unsuccessful go at flushing out the wily von Lettow-Vorbeck in the Great War.
Thinking a bit futher back, wouldn't de Wet have made an effective King of Scots!
__________________________________________________________
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When is the election -- Jimbo, Tue, 22 Sep 2009, 3:01:57 (220.253-231-50.VIC.netspace.net.au/220.253.231.50)
James I would be happy to stand for King of Scotland, when is the election. I reckon I could beat Idi's muntu son.
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. -- Ray, Mon, 21 Sep 2009, 21:03:06 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
The Afrikaner is closer to the German in language and culture, so when Smuts sided with the English against the Germans, the conservative Afrikaner considered him to be a traitor.
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. -- Ray, Mon, 21 Sep 2009, 20:55:17 (NoHost/66.251.102.206)
James you think you are kidding, but if you check the wikipedia biography of Jannie Smuts you will see he was the shadow prime minister of England, in case a bomb dropped on Winston Churchill. This did not make him very popular with hardcore Boere, that hated the British.
I think it is great that a Boerseun was 2IC of England.
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Slow, but I generally get there... eventually. -- James., Mon, 21 Sep 2009, 2:16:25 (21Cust141.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.141)
__________________________________________________________
And here's me thinking about the lad who poisoned his wife in 1945... And then the Reichsmark finally dropped! Ain't that a reference to Herr Hitler? I'm slow, but I generally get there in the end. Yes, maybe he did have designs on Scotland; maybe that's why Herr Hess flew over on a visit during the War. Crikey! I think we'd sleep better o' nights with some benign fellow like Jimbo on the throne.
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King for a day? -- James, Mon, 21 Sep 2009, 2:02:09 (21Cust141.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.141)
___________________________________________________________
JIMBO for KING! The English seem to get on fine with
Germans on the throne. Or what about a Boereseun? I think, however, that if it came to a vote, the majority of Scots would not go for a king, foreign or not.
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Scotland -- Dougall Stewart (Scotland), Mon, 21 Sep 2009, 1:36:20 (CPE-124-182-23-57.sa.bigpond.net.au/124.182.23.57)
Hamish Amin the elder son of Idi, is the official King of Scotland.
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Scotland -- roger, Sun, 20 Sep 2009, 9:12:56 (222-152-254-15.jetstream.xtra.co.nz/222.152.254.15)
James. the Bavarian claimant actually died in 1945, he apparently poisoned his wife and shot himself.
A truly tragic end to a model who may have transformed Scotland (not)
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Too many foreigners -- Jimbo, Sun, 20 Sep 2009, 4:23:41 (220-253-23-107.VIC.netspace.net.au/220.253.23.107)
Too many foreigners in Scotland nowadays James. Who would want to be King, we will do what the wee Bonnie Prince Charlie did and stay away.
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Die droogte in die Karoo... -- James, Sat, 19 Sep 2009, 17:54:02 (21Cust225.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.225)
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Die droogte in die Karoo het so erg geword dat daar niks meer oor is van Oom Sarel se plaas nie. Hy het al sy beeste laat slag, al sy skape verkoop.
Die veld is so droog soos hy dit nog nooit in sy 65 jaar gesien het nie.
Die plaaswerkers het verlede maand getrek om te gaan kyk of hulle nie kan werk kry in Zimbabwe nie, so sleg het dit gegaan.
Oom Sarel sit een oggend op die stoep, verby moedeloos.
Skielik kom daar 'n helikopter oor gevlieg. Nog nooit tevore het hy 'n helikopter gesien nie. Hy kyk die helikopter so, draai na Tant Sarie en se vir haar: "Daar fokof die windpomp ook nou!"
__________________________________________________________
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Righ on... -- James, Sat, 19 Sep 2009, 17:50:47 (21Cust225.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.225)
__________________________________________________________
RAY: I believe the first Elizabeth of England bumped off her sister Mary just as soon as she presented a threat to the staus quo, so I can imagine that the Bavarian chappie is indeed wise to keep a low profile meanwhile... Someone suggested Sean Connery might make a decent king of Scots! I think I could thole the job myself, but no one has asked me. I wonder about the Bavarian claimant - what kind of fellow is he, I wonder?
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[Edit]
. -- Ray, Sat, 19 Sep 2009, 2:42:37 (nv-71-50-73-130.dhcp.embarqhsd.net/71.50.73.130)
James:
Franz, Duke Of Bavaria, is a great-grandson of the last King of Bavaria, Ludwig III, who was deposed in 1918. He is also the current senior co-heir-general of King Charles I of England and Scotland, and thus is considered by Jacobites to be the heir of the House of Stuart and the rightful ruler of England, Scotland, France and Ireland as King Francis II, though he himself does not advance the claim.
If he did pursue his claims it is clear that Elizbeth would not be amused, and might arrange a little car smash for him somewhere, mebbe in Paris where the ambulances are really slow.
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Last king... -- James, Sat, 19 Sep 2009, 1:01:55 (21Cust103.tnt1.toronto.on.da.uu.net/216.95.14.103)
ANGUS: Apparently, Idi Amin did offer his services to Scotland - I think he offered to head up the SNP (Scottish National Party). They wisely rejected his kind offer! Can't recall who the present King of Scotland should be - Rupert of Bavaria? Somewhere there is a linear descendant of the Stewart (Bonnie Prince Charlie et al) line.
NELLIE: All is goed my vriend.
[Edit]
. -- Ray, Fri, 18 Sep 2009, 8:50:02 (nv-71-50-73-130.dhcp.embarqhsd.net/71.50.73.130)
Ok Jonni you're asking for it and you're going to get it.!!
Dad is overjoyed to hear his new son is being born, but the baby is born without a torso, arms and legs.
After much difficulty, he raised his son spoon feeding him. When his son reaches 21, he decides to take his son to the bar for his first drink. He puts his sons head on the bar, and orders a double vodka with a long long straw and puts the straw in the sons mouth. The son takes a sip. All of a sudden a torso pops out. Everybody in the bar is amazed. The father urges the son to take another drink. All of a sudden an arm and a hand pops out. With another drink a second arm and hand pops out. Everybody in the bar is now cheering. With both hands the son grabs the double and swallows it. A pair of legs and feet pop out.
The son attempts to walk but staggers around. Lurching backwards he staggers right out the bar and onto the street. He is struck by a bus and killed.
Tsk tsk mutters the barman to himself:
He shoulda quit while he was ahead.
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