- I am in love with my wife and don't want to lose her -- Tim (hurt yet still in love), 21:57:00 11/03/09 Tue
My wife of 13 years seems really close to pulling the trigger on leaving me for her lesbian lover. We have an amazing life with three wonderful, innocent young children and while I can appreciate that she recently found out that being with a woman is pretty exciting (I happen to agree), I have a hard time with the whole "I need to start thinking about myself" concept. Has it really been that miserable with us? Is the unconditional love of four people not enough? I have given her a deadline of Thanksgiving to let us know if she in or out for good and will keep you guys posted. I want to keep her and if she she stays (she is very scared of telling her parents, her friends and of the world's reaction), i would not take it for granted that she left a part of her behind. It just seems that whatever she would be gaining from this new relationship, she would be leaving a ton more behind - but maybe it is just us that get left behind that feel that way. Anyway, lots of emotions and i don't want to bore you guys. Thanks for listening.
Tim in Atlanta
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- Thread removed -- Steve (Concerned), 16:52:06 11/01/09 Sun
Hi Forum,
A thread called something like 'Accepting this goes against everything I believe in' aurthored by JS has been removed. (Unless I'm having a 'boy look' and simply can't see it). I assume some guideline or rule must have been broken by the content of the thread (Yikes!!!)
I just want JS to know that we are still here for her and that she should keep posting if she needs to. I hope I'm allowed to say that anyway.
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- What hurt the most when I found out... -- Eva, 02:46:16 10/24/09 Sat
I met this wonderful man in Kenya, when on holidays. He lived in Canada, me in Switzerland. We dated for 3 years, 6-weeks being the longest without either one of us crossing over the Atlantic to spend a few days, or weeks if we were lucky, together. Then, he popped the question on one knee and I accepted. Left a wonderful job, a caring family and close friends to start a new life in Canada. Start was really difficult: the language, the culture, the winters, the in-laws... The marriage was rocky practically from the start and we fought a lot, but always ended up having passionate love together. Best love-making ever, that had us both wondering if were were "in love or in lust". Two beautiful children came along, his disengagement grew as he saw himself as a provider, and me as a caregiver to our children. Love-making was still terrific, but became scarce because we usually held grudges against each other by the time we went to bed.
After 7 years I asked him to go to Marriage Counselling and he replied that we wanted a divorce. We continued living under the same roof for a few months, whislt I rumined how to tell the children and what the practical living arrangements would be. Once day I came home uncharacteristically early from work, and found him in the kitchen with his 12-years younger Personal Trainer, giving oral sex to one another. When I recover from my shock, he explained to me that he thought he was gay and wanted to experiment a little. But the truth is, he and his trainer had started a sexual relationship 2-years before that, when unknowingly I still harboured hopes we could find ways to make our marriage work, for our sakes and the children's. I encouraged him to come to the closet once and for all, which he did very gladly whilst playing the victim to everybody who would listen.
Not even once he said he was sorry, or expressed any concern for me or the children. That's what hurt the most, how cold, distant and unconcerned he felt. In his view, being gay was his right, and there was nothing wrong with it. I agree, there is nothing wrong with being gay. But there so many things that are wrong with being deceitful, with cheating, with treating your spouse with complete disrespect for her feelings and with his pretending that being gay was only "one of the many factors" that played a part on the marriage breakdown.
The worst part is that people in Canada (I believe it's different in the US) are so sensitized to the whole gay issue that nobody allowed me to express my feelings of deceit, hurt and loneliness. People kept telling me that being gay is not a choice, therefore he wasn't to blame for anything. Things happen. Would they have been so understanding if he had been cheating with another woman? Then I would have been allowed by society to be angry and revengful, but when homosexuality comes to play, those feelings are just not "politically incorrect". Nobody wants to be perceived as homophobic, so they don't give the straight spouse the need, support and empathy she badly needs. I felt so alone, and still do.
Worst part? The emotional abuse I suffered from him during our marriage, for he made me feel inadequate to satisfy his needs (clearly), unattractive, unsexy and totally boring. I had all the burden of his unhappiness on my shoulders, but was not given any hint on where his deep unsatisfaction came from. Legally, he is preventing me from moving back to Europe with the children to be close to my family and childhood friends, effectively cutting me off from the support I need the most. Socially, he is playing the victim because "he didn't have a choice". Not even once he has said that he is sorry for making me live a lie, or even acknowledge how much he's hurt me. Gay or not gay, he's shown no consideration for my feelings: it was a "I'm gay, suck it up" scenario.
Has he ever loved me? Was his love-making real? Why did he marry me? How long has he known he was gay before acting his fantasies out? Is it guilt that makes him treat me like dirt? Why all that emotional abuse making me feel unattractive, boring and unexciting to be with (which I'm not, by the way) when all he was looking for were excuses to leave the marriage, and live his gay life to the fullest? Why causing all that pain to somebeody who loved him so deeply that moved to the other side of the world just to be with him? Am I the horrible person he thinks I am? What about the children, is he going to stay around and help them through this difficult time, or is it just going to be me and them? Why, why, why??????
And one final question: will I ever be able to trust a man again? Please help!!!!!!!!!
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- New here - sharing my story -- Peter, 00:42:30 10/02/09 Fri
This past winter, my wife revealed to me that she had fallen in love with another woman. We've been married for nearly 13 years, have 3 children, and I would describe us both as caring and involved parents. We have a kind and loving relationship with each other and over the years have always been close friends and great co-parents. We've had our issues just like any other long-term relationship has its issues. The common thread through these issues has been that she doesn't feel a dynamic connection with me like she does with close female friends. Over many years, it never occurred to either of us that this might be an indication that she has an attraction to women.
I've tried to address this issue of her feeling a lack of dynamic connection with me by going to some therapy sessions and working on being more open and authentic about my feelings. This hasn't been enough for her, and her perceived lack of dynamic connection has continued to be a source of frustration for both her and me. I've always felt that our sex life was a bit less than I would have liked it to be, and I was nearly always the one who initiated. But I always chalked it up to various reasons such as the stresses of raising kids, her going through several bouts of depression, and her not feeling a dynamic connection with me. In fact, it might have been that she wasn't all that interested in sex with me simply because of my gender.
So with this as the backdrop, much to her own surprise (and mine) she fell in love with another woman about a year ago, and revealed this to me not long afterwards. This particular woman is not available, and she has not physically acted on this attraction. The months since then have felt like a roller coaster of emotions for both of us. I give her a huge amount of credit for being so open and honest with me about her feelings. Also to her credit, she also has not done anything behind my back, unlike so many of the horror stories I've read on here.
We've taken things rather slowly and deliberately, communicating with each other extensively on an almost daily basis. We still live together, still have sex occasionally, and have each only confided in a few close friends about our current situation. At times I've felt angry, at times I've felt sad, at times I've felt sympathy for her, and always there's been an underlying love for each other. We've each individually both been going to regular therapy sessions, and tried one couples therapy session. Unfortunately, time seems to be making it more and more evident that she is in fact attracted to women more than she is attracted to men.
Over the past months I've run though so many hopeful explanations in my mind - maybe it's just that she's having a mid-life crisis, maybe she only fell in love with this one woman and not with women in general, maybe she's bisexual and I can convince her to stay in a monogamous relationship, maybe it's just a matter of time before she acknowledges the pattern of improvements I've made in my own life and finds herself attracted to me again, women tend to move along the Kinsey Scale over time and maybe she'll move back to being attracted to men.
But over time, each of these explanations gets shot down one by one. She has since fallen in love with another woman. Again she hasn't acted on this feeling, but the fact that this has happened a second time suggest that having feelings for one woman wasn't an isolated occurrence. Time has passed and her feeling that this is the "real" her hasn't changed. She'll even say to me that I'm the most amazing guy she's ever met, that I'm a great catch, that any straight woman wouldn't want to be with me, and that if I go back out on the dating scene I'll probably last all of about 30 seconds. But despite all this, she just doesn't have any physical attraction to me.
In hindsight, it's easy to connect some of the dots in her past behavior and see that she may have had this attraction to women for many years; but neither of us was aware of it. None of this is certain at this point, but it's looking pretty likely that she is a lesbian. It's actually a bit of relief for me, as some of my strongest emotions during the past months have been feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Along with these feelings, I've felt like I've failed as a husband, caused our relationship to flounder, pushed her away. If she is in fact attracted to women, it's a lot easier to take the fact that my marriage may be failing. I haven't failed as a husband, she doesn't WANT a husband. On this same topic, one of my biggest fears is that years from now she'll go back to a heterosexual relationship. The nicely packaged up explanation of "It's not that I've failed, it's that she doesn't want to be with a man" would go right out the window, and the feelings of rejection and inadequacy would surface once again with a vengeance.
So where do we go from here? We both love our children and don't want to impose some traumatic event into their lives (divorce) if we don't have to. But neither of us wants to live a lie, either. And so she's going to see if this attraction is real. We've come to an agreement where she is free to try out a relationship with another woman or women. Technically, during this period I'm allowed to date other women as well, though I have no intention of doing so. I don't know where this road will lead us. It's largely out of my hands, and so in the meantime I'm trying to make sure that I appreciate all the blessings in my life - time with my children, a good church, nature, job I generally like, etc. I'm also anticipating the silver lining of being suddenly single if that's where things lead - more freedom in what I do with my time, potentially meeting a new significant other and getting to feel the excitement and novelty of falling in love, etc. I'm not optimistic that we'll be able to salvage our marriage, though it is still possible, and I'm hoping beyond hope that we do. I'm glad this forum exists. Thank you for reading and for any words of wisdom you feel like sharing.
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- This is all so difficult...... -- "Olivia", 16:16:02 10/26/09 Mon
Where do I begin? I've been reading many posts and decided to write my own story because I feel like I need all the support and care in the world.
I was dating an amazing guy (we are both in our early thirties now) for close to four years. It seemed like everything was going in the right direction for the first two years and then things started to shift. Our families adopted each other and everything seemed so right. We spoke of marriage numerous times. I knew in my heart that one day we would get married. It was just a matter of time. In fact, every time the topic of marriage came up, HE was the one that brought it up. He found out that he was HIV positive (through an unfortunate work circumstance)and
he had an extremely difficult time telling me. I knew something was off and asked him to share which I could see was tearing him apart. He told me and said that he was so afraid to tell me about this because he was afraid that I would walk away. I never once thought about walking away because I truly believed in what we had and nothing would change my love and support for him. Our respect, trust and love for one other would carry us through. I was grounded in this believe and knew that I had to find out everything that I could about HIV. I sprung into action and searched for a support group in our city all the while he was dealing with this new reality as best he could.
Fast forward a bit and approx. a year later I found out he was cheating on me. There were text messages on his phone that very clearly illustrated to me that something was going on. I tried to keep my cool for the day so that I could try and figure out how to approach this matter. My heart sunk. I didnt know what to do. I approached him about it and he just broke down. He kept saying how he felt like he was lost and so forth. I didn't understand what he was talking about. At the time, I though he was just completely struggling with his diagnosis, but, in actuality, when I look back on this now, he was struggling with being gay.
We broke up last year because (what I thought) was the reality that he made the conscious choice of being "married" to his work. Well, again, that wasn't it. He knew in his heart that he was gay although at the time, I had no clue. This past year, I have had a strong intuition that has presented itself to me that he is gay. I can honestly say that I have a very good gut instinct on a lot of things and I tend to listen to it because of what has unfolded in recent months. I asked him about this issue several times and of course he always said, "what are you talking about?" He came out and told me the truth 2 months ago and although in a strange sense I am the slightest bit relieved that he finally admitted it, I am struck with such a battle of emotions that I struggle through on a daily basis. I even told him that I felt like I was his "experiment" and now we know the truth. When he first told me, for approx. a week, I felt like I should try and be supportive because within a day of my finding out, his parents found out as well. Everyone is distraught by this and I just simply don't know from what angle to approach this from. I feel SO betrayed that my constant support through his diagnosis and everything have just been used I feel. The amount of deception and lies is too much for me. I have kept in contact with him thinking in some strange way that things will somehow change. That my feelings will somehow change. But they haven't.
I feel so strongly that he dragged me into the closet with him....except I didn't know it at the time. He does know how hurt I feel.....but I feel like I want him to stand in my shoes and see how I REALLY feel. I understand that he faced a HUGE backlash from his family and others if he came out. That's why he played this game so long. I understand that aspect of it but is still doesn't make it right. Please, if anyone has any words of advice, I would welcome them greatly! He has a ton of resources to choose from in this matter.....but what about us? The other side? As a woman, I just feel so betrayed. I have virtually no trust in anyone anymore because I trusted him more than I've trusted anyone else. How do I pave a path to get to a better place? I know I'm not naive but how do I explain to myself whether our relationship was real at any point? When I think about this, even more doubt sets in....... :(
If you would like to email me, please let me know.
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- transgendered awol father of my son -- Rose (unsure), 11:23:10 09/14/09 Mon
Wow, a group of people who have issues like mine - wow, again. I divorced my husband after 6 years; he was kinda odd and very needy/emotional and on some level I guess, I knew something was amiss.. ok, fine - divorce was lengthy and through it all we were semi cordial and delt with it in a way that it would not bother our (the 6month old son). Skip 4 years ahead, he lost his sister to cancer in a quick and devastating fashion and then his behaviors began to get a little odd. At first it was the fingernail polish, then the makeup and the wearing of his sisters clothes. Ok, grief (i was thinking) can show itself in different ways in some people. Ok, we talked, asked him not to show up at our sons soccor games with the garb and the decorations... fine. Then he up and tells me he is moving to san francisco and wants to take our son to his place (with someone he called his girlfriend) to stay for the nights he had him. I put my foot down and said not if I didn't meet this person first... He took our son there twice (my son told me about this person and that he didn't like her). Ok, so our son then summarily refuses to go with him anymore... after 4 days of this. The ex just up and disappears from the spectrum... no calls to his son, nothing. After 2 month of dealing with this with my son, getting no answers from even his family and having to try to explain to the (the 4 yr old) child where his dad is - my ex's mom calls me and tells me that my ex: has married a transgendered man (was a man, now a woman) and that he himself is also going to become a woman. Shock; ok maybe not so much shock about the news but about the repercussions that this will have on my son and questioning why he would marry someone if he has felt this since grade school. After now 8 months of not talking to his son (or me, but i could care less), I am no closer to an answer about what to tell my son. I have been telling him that his dad moved and I don't know where he is... but that is only gonna work so long. Anyone out there with advise or a even close to similar situation? Would appreciate anything at this point. I talked to a child psychiatrist and he said if his father is not ever going to be a part of his life, to never bring him up; to also discuss this with the ex-inlaws, if they can not cooperate, than I need to discontinue my sons relationship with them as well. I, logically, understand this, however - he has already lost the father, how can I as well take away the grandparents and cousins? I am sorta wandering around in this quagmire / catch 22 zone of confusion about what to tell my sweet 5 yr old son... but not ruin his life or his perceptions of life at such a young and impressionable age.
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- My wife came out, badly. -- Kev (Broken), 05:35:02 04/21/09 Tue
Hi
I'm having trouble.
My wife came out to me. She did not do this in a nice or clever way. She showed no concern or sensitivity for my feelings. She asked how I would feel if she had a lesbian affair. I asked how it would affect us, she said we would just be friends.
Our marriage is over, we are separated, and getting a divorce.
As far as she is concerned that is it. At first I tried to be supportive, I believed that this was her first lesbian experience. I was actually proud of her honesty, and I 'outed' her during our breakup without thinking (not out of anger). She opened up to me, too much, and I misinterpreted what she said, wrote to her in what I thought was a supportive way, she took umbridge, lashed out, and told me that she had previously had a secret 3 month affair, that she wasn't going gaga over her first lover at all. She is suddenly and brutally in love with this woman, who she says she 'has not left me for' because she told me last year (immediately before the affair) that she had fallen out of love with me.So everything is rosy in her garden.
The last year has been difficult. she didnt explain why she didnt love me anymore, just that her feelings had changed. I didnt know what to do, (my depression didnt help), she seemed to be expecting me to 'fix' her (my interpretation), we tried to seperate to different houses to 'date' (apparently after the affair - and she has assured me it wasnt a con) but that fell through, she has since accused me of paying lip service to the marriage and following up with 'fuck all action'. But at the same time, she wouldnt move off the sofa, go see any friends, socialise with me etc. I was trying. I was working, paying all the bills, doing most of the housework, and threw myself (even using time off work) into helping her set up a business so she could have an income to buy a place of her own (separate/dating see above).
Our sex life was practically nil, (deliberately so by her admission.)
Meanwhile she said she was lonely, she had previously been to salsa classes but said men 'hit on her', so to avoid this she had joined a lesbian site 'the pink sofa', to find local friends she could meet safely (How stupid am I???). It was on this site that I think she met her first lover, and subsequently another lesbian,who came to our house and seemed to be a genuine friend to us both. But that stopped after she came onto my wife, who rejected her and came complaining to ME (I didnt know about the affair so I took this as a good sign that she was only looking for friends). She had been going away at the weekends, ostensibly to avoid contact with my son, who she has always had problems with (nowt wrong with him, they have old 'step issues). I guess she could cope whilst she was in love with me, but not since. She stayed away with friends, and ultimately with people from the sofa, where she met her current lover.
She has described her new beau as 'her equal and as strong as her' (implying that I'm not).
I'm destroyed, I should just pick myself up, forget the last 7 years and get on with it. Why should this be any different to a hetrosexual break up? A straight affair? I dont know. It just is. I feel like I'm under attack from the lesbian community, when actually I'm just the victim of an insensitive clod. We used to talk about everything. We didn't get a chance to talk about this. We did talk about our relationship, and she said we could have made it if it had been just us. it hadn't been for all our family, not gelling. I dont get that. How could we have made it if shes gay?
I dont know what to do. I'm not angry at her any more, I recognise that she wanted to make us work, but didnt try very hard. The Hurt has gone somewhere else. I hate lesbianism. It has destroyed my life. I hate their little cliques and pride day and their coming out support. Why do they have all this support and I, a straight victim of circumstance, whos wife has been stolen by an experienced butch lesbian who was rejected the first time but came back for another go, have no support at all.
I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to hate lesbians. I'll be frank, as a straight guy I used to like seeing lesbian sex, it was a turn on. Its not now. Seeing two women together turns my stomach, I cant even laugh at lesbian humour. Its like my soul, which was open and generous and never had a problem with anyone elses sexuality, has been mugged.
I try hard not to judge. Peoples sexuality is their own affair. Live and let live. But it never affected me before. I am a victim of someone elses sexuality!!!! How can I stop feeling like this? Can you help? Please!
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- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Linda (wow!), 15:37:06 04/21/09 Tue
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- KJ, 20:44:28 04/21/09 Tue
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Arya (Feel your pain), 22:51:24 04/21/09 Tue
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Paul, 00:10:49 04/23/09 Thu
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Cherrie, 02:25:14 04/27/09 Mon
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Michael (I feel for you man!), 17:21:36 05/13/09 Wed
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- DianeS, 00:15:33 05/24/09 Sun
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Bob, 00:04:58 06/22/09 Mon
- I'm not sure. -- J (hesitant), 22:37:03 10/22/09 Thu
I am 22 years old, I've been married for (almost!) two years and there aren't any children in my relationship. I have known my husband since we were both in highschool (highschool sweethearts, lol) and 15 years old, and we were great friends as well as dating only each other until he asked me to marry him. We were affianced for two years and living together before we got married, and this was helpful because we got all of the "first-time" fights out of the way, such as the "It's MY Money" fight and the "Do NOT Bring Food Into the Bathroom" fight. (haven't had that one?...yet?) I felt like I knew him completely and we have always been almost painfully honest with each other, but have always remained best friends.
Almost a year after we got married, I was searching for some masking tape for an art project I was obsessed over, and the thought struck me that maybe, just maybe, my husband had some masking tape hidden in one of his old art folders from highschool ( I had this thought while checking MY art folders from highschool-genius, right?) So, I reached into his art folder and found this DVD. It was a gay porn, something about schoolteachers? I dropped it like it was a snake- I had NO clue what it was doing in there. I thought- maybe someone had put it in his art folder as a joke? But then I realised that there was a label of the store that it had been bought at and that store had only gone up in my neighborhood in the last six months or so. Unfortunatley for my poor husband, I had to pick him up from work (one-car family) and the whole time he was chattering away, happy to see me, I could barely look at him. He asked me what was going on, and all I could say was that I would talk to him about it when we got home ( I am a lousy driver when I'm upset.)
So, it turned out to be his, he had bought it not two weeks before from our local adult store. He said he looked at gay porn alot online and had pretty much since he was 12. He was completely embarrassed and I felt so bad for asking him these questions, but he said he wasn't "gay" but he thought maybe he was bi. However, neither of us have ever had any other relationship, and neither of us had ever really considered marriage ( I have been a super-feminist from birth, it seems). He said he'd throw the DVD away, and I said not to worry about it, and he didn't until later. I told him I wanted to support him no matter what, but he said he'd decided to stop. So I let it go.
Now, in the last couple of months we've gotten a new computer and I find in his thumbnails page ( I wasn't looking I just got online on his page cos it was the one up) some gay porn sites. I asked him about it, trying to be more open and approachable this time and he apologized profusely, saying he tried to stop but couldn't. I have told him I don't want him to stop doing whatever he needs to do, and I've never doubted his love for me, not even now, but i'm just not sure why he keeps trying to "stop" and then lying about it. Am I being too "cool" about it?
My husband says he's not into watching anything but oral sex between men, and maybe it's a power thing. He has always been great in bed, and I've asked if there is anything I can do in bed for him, but he says no. I felt really threatened the first time i found out, because I thought I knew him, and I am proud of him for telling me what he has because I know I'm the first person he has ever told, but every time I find a gay porn site on my search bar I still feel really insecure and threatened. I'm not sure I am approaching this the right way, and I really apologize for the long post, but is there anything I should be doing that I'm not? I'm not sure what to do.
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- I hate my ex-spouse -- Kevin henry (Angry), 20:08:48 10/25/09 Sun
I feel robbed of my youth. I was 24 years old and married my wife at that time. She kept telling me that she loved me with all her heart plus much, much more. All of our cards to each other were that way from the time we were married until we split. We had 3 children and the oldest is going to be 25 now. My children were angry at first and then let go. I have a 24 year old girl, a 23 year old son and an 18 year old girl. My oldest wanted to let things go and was upset in the beginning not talking to her mom knowing that I was devestated, but then relaxed that feeling and is more in line with both of us. My son is closer to me and disagrees with mom's decision to be gay, but contacts her from time to time, but is in constant contact with me. My youngest daughte lives with me currently and would rather be with me than her mom. Her mom is very self centered and all about herself. What do you do with that? I am very hurt and very distraught, but have moved on to a new relationship. I think my ex is angry because I am now happy. We divorced in September and I now pay alimony which is un-fair knowing my ex is with someone else and has a job. What do you do?
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- Have I lost my mind? -- Antoinette (A bit confused), 10:19:36 10/26/09 Mon
Hi there,
Please disregard the 2 previous submissions (if they're still there, I'm new to this), I needed to add a couple key things.
I don't know if you can help me, but here is the situation:
My husband was unfortunately incarcerated here in the states for 13 years & then deported. We were married 3 years ago while he was incarcerated. My husband & I have a wonderful marriage - such as it can be w/him away from me f/now. I'm only able to get to him about every 3 months or so for a week or two.
Somehow, he ended up in a relationship w/a guy down there (younger). Now this is where it gets rather crazy . . . & I pray you won't be judgemental . . .
I not only understand how we got here, but I'm kinda OK w/it. I have not only met the "other person", but we consider ourselves a family & I stay @ our apartment when I'm down there . . . I love him to death.
I feel as though somehow I'd be being selfish to try to make him be totally faithful when he was in that situation f/so long & I can't be there. AND . . . I'm better since it is another man - there is NO way I could have handled another woman. (I told you this would be crazy).
But what I feel I need help with is that I get jealous, which is understandable . . . but I go back & forth with it. One minute I'm fine & the next minute I feel like I'm falling apart. Sometimes I find myself thinking & kinda hoping that it'll end soon, but then again I find myself hoping it doesn't, cause @ least now I know what I'm up against & there won't be another woman. But more importantly; there is someone there that I love too, that is giving him what I can't right now.
He has promised me that things between the 2 of us will never change - & they haven't . . . he's still the loving man I married. He tells me absolutely everything & we talk about everything, he's even told me about things that I was rather surprised he trusted me enough to tell me (nothing illegal, just things that happened while imprisoned here). Nothing has changed between us . . . just that now when I go down there I have to share him a LITTLE. He knows that I need time away just the 2 of us, he understands & we go - no problem.
But I hate that I go back & forth like this . . . how can I find some sort of peace? Like I tell him . . . your MY husband, it's not supposed to be like this, but I know you have needs & I don't want to be selfish there.
So . . . can you offer any assistance &/or ways to find some peace in all of this? I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance
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- Funny ways to make sure he/she is straight -- Liz, 19:24:15 10/10/09 Sat
Okay guys -- sometimes the forum gets a bit heavy with closet stories. Those of you who are dating have you thought of ways to figure out creatively if someone is straight or in the closet. Funny, outrageous, and clever are all good.
Liz
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- Parents -- Jessica(the frustrated one, lol) (Yep still frustrated), 01:45:44 10/16/09 Fri
Ok, I haven't seen this one written about, maybe it has and I missed it.
My Mother, my only living parent, is treating me like I made up my hubby being gay/bi/confused...whatever he is this wk, and acts like I'm the bad guy. When he decided to leave me and the kids, she actually helped him out, by putting him up in a hotel and not telling me where he was or even that she knew....I found this out a few months ago (from his Mother, lol).
Now I told her right away when I found out about the money being spent on gay porn, the gay dating sites he was on, the pics of other men he had saved on his comp, the pics he had sent to these men in return. I'm living with her because of his actions, spending money on the sites instead of the bills.
I asked her to not encourage a relationship with him, to plz tell him that unless its about our daughter to not call the house and to not call her phone ever. She didn't. She thinks she has every right to keep up their in-law relationship...he has called her to tell her about the birth of his friends' baby...ending the call with I love you.....but didn't mention our own kid. She doesn't get that her refusal to distance herself from him right now, that she is ruining the relationship between her and I. Which would be a loss for her, I'm an only child, she's never remarried.
So, has anyone else had to deal with their own parents behaving like the gay spouse is the victim in the failed realtionship?
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- Can this really work? -- Mike, 00:54:54 10/10/09 Sat
I am an openly gay man that is married to another openly gay man. We love one another but our marriage is effectively over. We were one of the 18,000 couples legally married in California.
I’ve been having an affair with a man who has been married to a woman for 25 years. We’ve been seeing one another for about 5 or 6 months. We fell in love. I am the first man he has ever been in love with. There have been many other men that he has had “light” and meaningless encounters with but with me he has done it all. He’s fought it because he didn’t want to be gay but he is.
His wife found out and she confronted me at work. At first I didn’t know who she was but once I realized it (thankfully she had asked to speak to me in private) I nearly passed out. What could have been a horrific situation was turned into something amazing. She was kind. She was loving. She didn’t hate me. She embraced me. She came to me because she knew that her husband wouldn’t be able to tell her the truth. I actually thought about lying but looking into her pleading blue eyes gave me no other option but truth. We were both worried that he would harm himself. She asked me to go with her to talk to him. I did. It was awful but we got through it. She loves him and she will always be his best friend. Of this she is sure!
I was certain that I would have to walk away from him. I was wrong. She told me that she wanted to be stay because he needed me. I could give him something that she could not and she loved him enough to recognize it – immediately. She is amazing. I am in awe of her.
It’s been a little more than two weeks since she found out. She and I have had coffee a few times. We have all gone to dinner together, and once to lunch. She has encouraged him to spend time with me. When he and I are together there is no sex. There is still an attraction, but until they are BOTH in a better place, doing what is right is more important than doing what we want. So – for now – I am his friend. When he is not with me he fights how he feels inside. I expected this because it is how he has always been with me. He doesn’t want “gay” he wants “normal” and she represents that for him. I represent “gay” and who he really is. I am not hurt or angry when he fights shutting me out. I expect that he will do that for a long time. They are best friends in the truest sense of the words. They will always be connected. It is a beautiful thing to see. But it seems to be getting clearer to her that they will not always be married. He still tries to hang on to that but, deep down, he knows too. They are in no hurry to divorce and they still share the same bed. I think that is amazing and wonderful! They both seem to understand that there will come a day when they will have to let go of this part of their relationship but right now it is what is getting them through.
They have two children, 18 and 15. One is away at school. Their next step is telling the kids. He is terrified. They will work with a therapist on the best way to handle this. I am not as terrified for them to tell the kids. They have set such an amazing example of what unconditional love is that, in time, their children will adjust.
She has asked me flat out if I would be there for him when they get to the other side of this. My answer was easy – yes – because I love him. I have told him that I don’t care how long it takes, I will wait. Not because he wants me to (he has told me that he wants me to) but because I want to. Because he is the worth it and I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love him. The road will be rough and it will be long but I do see happiness for them both and for me on the other side. I am open to how that happiness comes but I know that it will come.
I worry for her. Her husband has a therapist, I have a therapist and she has no one. Not even a girlfriend to confide in. She leans on him because that is all that she knows and all she has. He has always been her 'safe place.' Now she is stuck. He wants to go back but she knows that can’t be. When she tries to move forward, he pulls her back because that is where he wants to. She can’t move forward and she can’t go back. Her only concern is that he is okay. She has said that once he is okay then she will see a therapist.
Every day is a battle of emotions for all of us. She’s devastated at the death of what she always knew would be - but suddenly isn't. He’s devastated because he’s the cause of the devastation that she feels and doesn’t know how he can ever forgive himself for “doing this to her.” I am devastated that he is in this situation because the only thing I ever wanted to do for him was keep him safe and make sure he went back to where he wanted to be – with his wife. As irrational as that sounds – I am having a hard time forgiving myself for having failed at that.
Is there anyone else that has been in a similar (or same) situation that can offer some guidance? Can we all come out of this in a healthy and happy place? Am I crazy for having a glimmer of hope that one day he and I might be able to be together? Is it wrong to even think such a thing? Most of the time he can’t even imagine himself being with a man, but, once in awhile he lets himself see it. He’s told me that he sees me there. I believe him because when we are together, even without sex, I can feel it. I can feel how much he loves me and wants me. But, right now, he wants his wife more and if I could, I honestly would, make that happen for him. But I can’t so now all I can do is love them both and do whatever they need to help them cope with this sad situation.
“Mike”
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- Healing -- Linda, 23:58:47 10/17/09 Sat
It has been some time since I have visited this forum. It must mean I am healing-- at last --- It has been 2-1/2 years since I found out. I was married 17 and have known him most of my life.
All is better, but there is always a sadness in the backbround because the person I loved never was-- It truly was a death for me,because I loved someone who never existed. Truly. I don't know who he is-- lying comes natural to him and he can't even be honest with himself.
I don't trust myself anymore.I don't trust my judgment. I don't hurt anymore, but it has left damage.
I am in a relationship. I find myself not trusting myself to trust him. How unfair.
But the pain is gone-- finally.
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- Need a wife whose husband is transgender to speak to another wife with same situation -- Peter Ji, 10:39:44 10/16/09 Fri
Greetings, I am part of PFLAG Chicago. I am looking for a wife with a transgender husband. She would like to speak with someone who is going through similar situations. She would like to speak to someone right away. I would prefer someone in the West Suburban area of Chicago, but I will take contact information from anyone who feels they could talk to this person. Thanks for your help. Please contact me at my email address and if you could leave a number for me to contact you that would be great. our website is www.pflagillinois.org to check out our group. I've been in contact with Daphne for SSN Chicago and she's been great. Thanks.
Peter Ji
PFLAG Chicago
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- New Here...Don't Know What To Think... -- Jessica, 22:37:34 08/31/09 Mon
Hello,
My name is Jessica and I am new to these forums. I'm glad I found these forums, as they are a godsend. I am 25 years old and had my first child on July 27, 2009. I recently found out (after a brief separation) that my bf of 4 years 11 months is bisexual. Its very difficult to deal with still even though I had my suspicions for quite some time now. (something didn't feel right--intuition call it...) I go thru my good and bad times with it still. I have alot of questions to ask as this is my first time dealing with a situation like this. It helps to know I'm not alone.
I know I didn't turn my bf bisexual, that's a given. It still doesn't stop the hurt and pain. My question is can he be faithful to me? Will he ever act on those feelings? I have asked him this and he says he will be faithful, but I'm still in shock. I want so bad to make this work out! Any advice?
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- 1 child with another on the way, needs advice -- hopeful, 11:11:33 10/12/09 Mon
I am writing because I need some advice. I can't talk to my friends because they are friends with my husband and I don't want them to do what is going on. I am only 24 years old and got married 4 years ago. I have a 2 year old son and another baby on the way. This started about 8 years ago. I found porn searches on his family computer for naked men and at that time when he was confronted was told it must have been his mom. We got an apartment together and one day I looked at the computer history and found numerous gay porn sites and even downloaded gay videos. I did confront him and he at first denied it but when I showed him how I found out (through cookies, ect) he just said he was curious and promised he wouldn't do it again. So months later we got married and then got a house. At the house I would look at the history and still see gay porn sites but I never said anything. I have been so stressed and curious this entire time and it wasn't till about 1 year ago when I looked at our computers history again and this time saw not only porn sites but also history from him looking at local craigs sites ad's for " gay services". At this point I was really upset thinking now the searches are local so he could easily be cheating. I talked to him about it on the phone and he said that he was just curious and him and his friend look at the ad's because they are funny. I don't believe this at all because his friend is no where near gay and doesn't even know about any of this. He said he has never cheated and never will and wont look at anything again. So for the past year I do look at history but it's always deleted, I know he must be looking things up but I just have tried to move on with my life. Yesterday I was on craigslist and in the drop down box for the spot you can type in what your looking for it brought down previous searches and sure enough there was "male penis" and different gay searches. History wasn't on there so I can't see the exact sites. It's not only these searches but just his personality is very gay as well. I mean he might be bi because he is very interested in me sexually (I think he just pretends I am a male however) so I am just not sexually attracted to him anymore. He loves to decorate and is very good at it, he loves to shop, watches girl shows like the hills and americas next top model, always cares about what he looks like and how he dresses. Now he does have not so gay tendencies too. He works in landscaping so doesn't care about getting dirty and is great at handyman type stuff and tools. But we actually fight over not having enough sex which I know is going to make him more likely to cheat too. I just can't be attracted to a gay man. The thing is we have 1 child already and now another one on the way. I don't want to get divorced for my kids sake and my husband and I do have alot of fun together. We like to do the same things and have the same goals in life. I just know our realationship isn't normal or healthy and don't really know I can trust him either. I need advice. My friends and family love him and have no idea this is going on.
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- The 'ultimate' question -- John (Determined), 18:12:00 10/08/09 Thu
Okay All-
All of our stories have paralelled each others to some degree and some have been spot on in describing what I am going through. My wife is justifing her behavior by bringing up issues from our past..continually. She makes me feel guilty for seekig the affection of other women...well, looks like I had a pretty good reason..no excuse but at the end of the day isn't having a lesbian wife a good reason?
Here is the question I need answered and preferably by as many of you as possible including women who are lesbians and bi sexuals. My wife keeps claiming that having sex with a women is different than having sex with a man. Besides the obvious parts difference I am trying to define why? For you women, is it possible that my actions in the past brought out her lesbian side? By this I mean, was she getting nothing from me and instead of resorting to to having an affair with a man, thought it would be less painful for her to find love with a women?
I am going to ask her, but want to know the opinions of those who have lived it and those who have done this to others. My wife claims that her future belongs to me and wants me to accept her playing with women because it's a 'friendship' and doesn't involve future plans.
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- 22 Years and 7 kids later -- John (Confused), 19:33:40 10/01/09 Thu
Okay, here goes. In the fall of 2008 I was told by my wife of 22 years that she would like to be divorced. I went completely bonkers, and started a series of nutty behavior....nothing totally insane but I lost touch for awhile. I mean to tell you...I read the entire internet on the subject of how to get your spouse back. Went through an extreme amount of time, anguish, solitude not to mention the money, to get her back. She booted me out 11-26 and I returned to my home on 1-17-09. My kids went through hell and according to her it was my fault for leaving. I was horribly concerned about the presence of another man and admittedly did a lot of things (called kids asking where she was etc..etc..) I probably shouldn't have but in the end and in my mind she gave me every reason to feel like I did.
Here's the good part, between 2-1 and 7-29-09 I:
1.) Donated a kidney to her brother
2.) Have gone to great lengths to make sure her and our 7 kids are financially stable
3.) Rubbed her feet
4.) daily messages
5.) washed dishes
6.) laundry (7 kids)
7.) Paid bills (she doesn't even get the mail)
8.) cleaned house
9.) painted interior of house
you get the point...pretty much ignored anything I needed to make her happy...her reaction to my good deeds came 7-29-09 when she decided to have a sexual relationship with a 'friend' at a campsite..the two of them have since become lovers...she claims she spoke with me previous to this happening and that I ok'd it...all she did was ask me if I ever participated in a three way sex experience..when I said yes...she must have taken that as a 'all clear'
I find myself apologizing for having the feelings I do..I say things like: 'do you have any lesbian plans this weekend?' she gets extremely upset and takes a 'you're so insecure and how dare you attitude' I do it honestly to release the anger and the pain I deal with every single day. I think this may be the way alot of people feel.
I live with this relationship and probably others that I am not even aware of. My wife relishes the fact that she can have these relationships with my acceptance and tells me I need to be 'broke in' For 22 years I had a great wife and a great mother to all of our kids. It is hard to forget that person and even harded to believe that behind that person was a lesbian waiting to unleash mental havoc on everyone. Is it a phase? Everyone says 'no way.' Is it a lifestyle? Here is a person who has spent much of life making fun of lesbians...who is now one...Go figure.
Legally I am screwed as I live in a no fault state...I think it's legistation like this that has essentially destroyed marriage...What guy in their right mind would want to be married to any women after being fleeced by laws that favor a women has 7 kids with a guy, not to mention never worked a day and then tells this poor sob she's a lesbian? Of course, I have to live with it...I have seven kids and 65% of my income that tells me I do.
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- was my ex bi-sexual or gay? -- lilly, 10:59:24 09/28/09 Mon
I’m wondering.... I wonder if that is why there was a lack of intimacy in the 10-month relationship. I have read where other people have stated that their significant other was very loving and emotionally available at the beginning of the relationship...but as soon as the woman starts to love the man, he withdraws.
I figured it was stress at work that made him treat me less than a priority.
These are the signs that I looked at:
-He tried to move really quickly emotionally and physically in the beginning. But seemed unsure of him at the same time.
-I learned that he did not have a relationship with a woman until he was in his 20's... and said he did not even think about women as a teen.
-after ejaculating on my chest he once put his mouth and tongue on his ejaculation. I was caught off guard and did not really enjoy this... but I acted cool with it. He never did it again.
-He started losing erections 4-5 months into the relationship for no reason I understood.
-he would not make a lot of eye contact when talking with gay men.
-Sex started becoming less and less ( 1-2 week - sometimes none). On vacation we would have sex maybe once. He was not intimate with me.
-I initiating most of the sex.
-He never cuddled me or made out with me... even though I asked him about it.
-Kissing was always quick like a pop-kiss.
-He stopped performing oral sex on me. when I asked him about it- he said he did not enjoy doing that. It was a 4 out of a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best).
-He called my vagina "repulsive" one time when I was playing with it and stretched it funny. Then tried to do damage control by being nice/ cuddly and playful (something he did not do other times)
-He said that the scent of a woman’s vagina would at best always be tolerable.
-When I asked him why he did not go down on me anymore he said he did not have the same feelings of me as he use to because I was not into him that much in the beginning.
Are these signs that he was gay? I would like to know so I don't get into one of these again.
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- My Son's Father -- Jeannie (So Confused), 20:08:56 09/28/09 Mon
I don't really know where to start this email. I just came across this group on a google search. I'm sitting here with a horrid migraine from crying for 2 days so i will try and keep this coherent.
i met my so a little over 3.5 years ago. He was the most amazing man i have ever met, he brought me flowers, he wined and dined me... i felt special to him. The sex was never "great" ... he had issues with impotence (he said because he has diabetes) but he always made up for it in other ways (foreplay, etc). About 2 months into our relationship he told me he loved me... it seemed rushed but i adored this man and was definitely falling for him. Once i told him i loved him it seemed like things went downhill. We worked together at a restaurant and i would catch him flirting with other women, when pressed he would say i was paranoid or crazy. That he loved me and that was what mattered. We moved in together a few months later and that is when it got so much worse. I was paranoid about other women and began snooping... i would find porn all the time... he explained he needed to jerk off every day but yet he rarely wanted to have sex with me. None of the porn was gay porn... mostly younger women and anal.
I had 2 gay friends come into town and they were staying with me... this seemed to make him uncomfortable even though he never seemed homophobic and in fact had gay friends at work... though he will do the stereotypical "gay mimic" .. high voice, lisp, etc... but then he'll say it's just for fun... he does it mostly around his gay friends at work and they find it funny... i digress... my 2 gay friends and i were in my apartment while he was at work and they both looked at me and told me "your man is gay" .. i obviously didn't believe them... i mean, he watches porn all the time, i constantly worry about other women... but gay?
As our relationship continued the physical relationship deteriorated to the point where i felt like i had to beg for sex only to be told he didn't have a high sex drive... then i'd find porn. It was so hurtful, i felt and still feel like there is something wrong with me... why can't i keep his attention?
Sometime towards the end of our first year together we were on the outs... fighting all the time etc... but we did have sex once that month and i ended up conceiving our son. He seemed shocked but happy that we were expecting. Though he didn't seem nearly as happy as i would think as he always said he wanted more (he has 2 to his ex-wife). About 2 weeks into my preg i found out he was having phone/email/text sex with a girl customer at the restaurant... i was suspicious because he behavior had gotten increasingly more volatile... getting mad at me for everything under the son, violent outburts to the point that he hit me when i confronted him about the other woman. I was told i pushed him to it with my constant nagging... but i only nagged about not being kissed, touched, wanted... i didn't and don't understand this. When we did have sex he started expressing to me that he wanted to explore anal... not on me but on him. i'm embarrassed to say i was willing to do anything to make this man happy. It was the first time he ever truly got hard. he seemed very satisfied with things then... sex became slightly more frequent, the talking to other women stopped (i kept snooping just in case)... things were ok (i guess)
we ended up staying together... i was pregnant and very scared and i didn't want to be a single mom... that was a year and a half ago. My son is now 18 months old and we have been broken up for about 4 months. i threw him out when he decided to smack me across the face again because i said something that made him mad (nothing important just stupid random stuff like i couldn't find a bra when i was getting ready for work and that was somehow me blaming him for moving it... which still makes no sense)
We obviously still talk because of our son and the last four months i have been snooping more than i should... he keeps talking to women all the time. Meeting them online and telling them he loves them without meeting them and only exchanging a few emails... it was none of my business and i just ignored things.
Recently... since the beginning of august we have been spending a lot more time together... spending time with our son, doing things together etc... a few weeks ago we ended up in bed together and it was wonderful... i thought maybe things had changed. We have been seeing each other and hanging out.. not really defining anything just... i dunno...
anyway... yesterday we were standing in the kitchen and he told me he loved me and something in me just rebelled... i didn't say anything and just hugged him back. When he went to get a shower i grabbed his phone... he has an iphone so the internet history... all porn.... didn't get to check what kind cause i was in a hurry. checked his email... there were emails from women but then to my shock... emails to men. Asking men to punish him. Telling this one man all kinds of stuff... i heard the water go off... jotted down the one email i saw the most and turned off the phone.
Yesterday i yahoo messaged this man and he told me they have been sleeping together for a while. That he hasn't talked to him in about 3 weeks (that's when we slept together again)... this man told me they didn't use protection and that he knows my so has been sleeping with other men unprotected.
Last night i confronted him and he says it's a lie. He told me that he was talking to men. That he did talk to this guy very intimately but that when the guy brought up meeting in person he stopped talking to him. He says that he was lonely and needed someone to talk to... that it was something to fantasies about but that he doesn't want to be with a man...
he keeps telling me how much he loves me and wants our family. I don't know what the hell to do. I love this man despite everything but i can't be with someone who is gay! It isn't fair to me, i deserve to be loved with all someone's heart not just because it isn't accepted...
he keeps telling me over and over that he isn't gay but how do i believe that? Should i believe that? Someone please help!
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- I need to say good bye and thank you. -- Dani (sad, apprehensive, but hopeful), 18:40:28 09/30/09 Wed
I stopped in here looking for support for my Wife. She has now found her way here and has started to read and post a bit. I don't think she can say what she needs to say if she is worried that I might read it. She stuffs a lot of stuff inside rather than hurt me and that is not good. It may be merciful to me but it is harmful to her and honestly I don't deserve the mercy. At least no where near as much as she deserves the release and help.
So I am going to run off and let her be free to say whatever it is she needs to say. Please treat her with the love, understanding and support she deserves. She really is a wonderful person and she deserves to be happy.
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- Bi in Bama -- Trey (Sad), 03:15:03 09/01/09 Tue
I first experimented with men in college. I had several relationships with women in college and one relationship with a man. In addition, I had several purely sexual encounters with men in college. Nearing my senior year, I had an ultra-religious conversion by which I came to believe that my homosexuality was demonic. I thought that through faithful service to God, I would overcome these feelings.
Shortly thereafter I met my future wife in the church. We were married when she was only 17. Before we married I told her that I had been with men in college but that I was sure that would never happen again. Can you guess where this is going? We have been married 8 years. Approximately 2 years ago we left the fundamentalist church. 8 months ago I had a random sexual encounter with a man...unprotected. I avoided sex with my wife afterwards for as long as possible then I started to use condoms until my 6 week HIV test came back negative.
Recently I have been dropping hints to my wife that I am still attracted to men. But most recently, the attraction has extended past pure sexual desire or gay pornography. I strongly desire a monogamous relationship with a man. This is a strange feeling for me. It makes me so sad to think of telling my wife that I no longer desire her sexually. However, what's the worst of all is we have a 2 year old son.
Part of me wants to try and beat down the feelings again, to hang in there as long as possible for my son...and for my wife because I do truly care for them both. But I don't know how much longer I can go on pretending. I really desire the love, touch, and companionship of a man. I don't know how to tell her...I love her so much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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- You never hear this... -- Anon_13, 14:39:58 09/27/09 Sun
You know, I am sick of hearing the "poor them" speech about this topic. You know the one I am talking about. The one that starts out, "If only people were more accepting then maybe our spouse wouldn't have had to live a lie..."
Well, let me just tell a little story about something that you never hear. The story below is fictional to prove a point and doesn't reflect any particular person's situation. It goes a little something like this...
My husband and I have been married now for 10 years and have two little boys. I always thought we had a happy marriage until my husband suddenly started being very withdrawn. When I asked what was wrong he would never talk about it but I knew there was something and I wanted to help him. I also knew he spent a lot of time at night on the computer so while he was away one day I got in there and started looking around to see if I could find out what might be going on. I was shocked at what I found! He had been going to asian porn sites. Downloading asian porn. I even found some craigslist ads where he was trying to meet up with some asian women from our area!
When I confronted him about it he was very mad that I had been snooping, but after awhile we got to talking about it. He said he had always had a "thing" for asian women, but never had the opportunity to meet or date any. I was understandably angry at first but I was also sad. It's sad that my husband didn't have the opportunity to have pre-marital sex with an asian woman before he met me. I still love my husband but I can never be the woman that he really wants.
So, some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "That's not the same thing! An infatuation with someone else isn't the same as a same sex attraction." I say, why not? Why should this scenario be treated any differently than if our spouse cheated on us with a person of the opposite sex? Why should their infatuation with someone of the same sex be treated any differently than any other infidelity? My point is this. There was a promise made by both parties. A solemn covenant. A huge commitment, the promise of all promises. If a man cheats on his wife with another woman he is a sorry bastard. If he cheats on his wife with someone of the same sex, he is told that everything is OK. There is an entire community there with open arms saying, "it wasn't your fault, we understand." Really? Not their fault? By the way, I have nothing against asian people, no offense intended. Just using that as an example.
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- BICURIOUS HUSBAND - craigslisting and more -- Katie (overwhelmed), 02:33:33 09/24/09 Thu
My husband of 7 1/2 years has a major fantasy of being with another man. He has confided in me and shared all kinds of details. He told me that he has had this fantasy since early college days before me were married. I have strapped it on for him and done all kinds of things. He wants to bring a man into the bedroom with us. I have told him my feelings on this and I am not open to this option. Nevertheless, I have found evidence of him searching for guys on craigslist. He says he probably won't ever do anything, but I am scared. He told me he does not want to be in a relationship with a man because that would not fit his reputation. So I guess he wants casual sex with a man? We already reconciled our marriage 1 1/2 years ago after he had an affair with a woman. He says he loves me and I believe him. I have so many emotions right now and I want him to go to therapy with me. Not so that he will change his mind or anything. I feel that we need to work through some major issues. He refuses to go. I feel like I am stuck....
I wish someone could tell me the future as to if he is going to be with a man, leave me for a man, or more
I feel like I am being extremely calm about this. If I wanted to be with another man, he would freak.
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- don't know how to feel anymore -- Kathy (lost), 20:47:36 09/24/09 Thu
Well here it goes,
I've been with my boyfriend now for about a year and a half. I can honestly say that never in my life have I felt as strongly for anyone as I do him. So you can imagine the surprise I felt when he was finally able to come out and tell me that he's bi-sexual. Initially I was fine with it, I mean he's bi right? That doesn't mean he's full on gay or that he's going to leave me for a man. In fact he insists that he loves me more than anything. But ever since he told me I've felt this horrible pressure in my chest. I've been on the edge of a panic attack for the last three days. You see we live in Wyoming and our town doesn't make it easy to be gay and out. So he's never been able to act on his attraction to men. What if someday he decides that I'm not what he wants anymore?I now know that he looks at gay porn, so he's obviously interested in sleeping with a man. I want him to go out and experience this side of himself, if he doesn't it will tear him apart. But at the same time I don't think i can stay with him if he does this. I don't want to loose him because of my insecurities but I feel such a loss of trust. What if he says he wants to be with me but is hooking up with guys behind my back? At the same time that this doesn't change anything, it changes everything!!! Am i just his security blanket? I have so many questions but every time i try to talk to him about it i cant breathe and my pulse goes crazy. What are some good conversation openers and how can I tell him how i feel without making this any harder on either of us? I want to trust him, but i don't want to trap him either. I have no one here that I can talk to. Usually my mom is my rock, but he understandably doesn't want me to tell anyone, for sure NOT my parents. So now the weight is on both of us. Part of me wishes he had never said anything, that things could just go back to being the way they were. But I know that if he hadn't he would have just been lying to not only me but himself as well. So why doesn't that knowledge make this any easier? I am so scared.
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- Found boyfriend posting on craig'slist BI? GAY? -- Anne (Blown Away, but not surprised), 14:47:19 09/29/09 Tue
I have recently found the father of my son posting casual encounter adds on Craig's list to meet men. WE have a very good relationship (I thought)and are both very opened minded. This is not the first time this has happened. However, our situation is unique as in every-ones. We both have struggled very hard with Heroin addiction. WE have both been clean now for years though. During the height of our use we both incorporated the sex trade ( prostitution) as a way to make money. We were both very open about it. We were in San Fransisco at the time and men were his best clients. After we got clean we obviously stop working in that trade. I know that working in that trade for men can cause them to question their sexuality as well as possibly open them up to it. I am supportive of whatever he chooses, but am not o.k. with hiding it and lying. He says it is only to see if he is still desirable and nothing ever comes of it. However, I found very phonographic emails back and forth. I have never actually caught him meeting someone, but am almost sure it has taken place. I would like to take positive steps to resolve this. I would never want to be stuck in a relationship that felt fake and would not want that or him. On the other hand I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me and my temperature is reaching a boiling point. When we discuss it he becomes angry and embarrassed which is typical for someone confused about coming out. I am however very angry and shocked that he has remained in a relationship sexually and emotionally. I feel that now the foundation of trust has been broken and I want out. I am not sure what to do and am feeling very betrayed, since he knows that I am in no way homophobic. We have transgender, gay, and etc.. in our groups of friends. In the end I personally struggle with Bi sexuality. I lean toward you are what you are and that typical phrase you can't have your cake and eat it to. I mean he dose not look at casual encounters with women and can maintain and enjoy sex with a women. I just am not sure if he is gay or struggling with the demons from are drug abuse. He had a hard time coming to grips with not being wanted by everyone he saw like when we were in San Fran. So I would like any advice on how to handle this situation. I mean it is hard to deny his gayness when he is posting adds on craigslist and spending a L O N G time at the store.
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- Im so sad. Will I ever feel better -- Sharon (sad Sharon), 20:48:53 09/05/09 Sat
Ivew just learned that my husband and best friend has been lying to me for 13 years and it hurts so much I think I may die of a broken heart. I have cried myself to sleep every night since I found out 3 months ago. I asked him to move out immediately and after two weeks of begging me for forgiveness he finally went. I've lost weight I can't sleep and am so ashamed have only told 2 of my closet friends. No one else knows why we broke up because I am so afraid my son will find out. He is only 12.
The thing is I first discovered he had gay tendancies when I was in the early stages of my pregnancy (13 years ago). Right from the start of our relationship I looked after the finances and one day many years ago I noticed a strange ATM withdrawal which was made many miles from home. When I queried this with my husband and after I pressed him for an explanation, he confessed that he had been with a male prostitute. He said he was sorry, he was curious and IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. He swore he was not gay.
I was devastatd we had only been together for 18 months or so, we were in the first flush of romance or so I thought. We had just bought a home together. I had sold my apartment to move in with him and as I said before I was pregnant which incidentally was his idea - as I already had a 5 year old child from my first marriage, he however was childless. But because I loved him and he really wanted a baby we started trying for a baby as soon as we moved into our new home.
I don't even remember much about the pregnancy as I was so devastated by my discovery. I didn't tell anyone and kept his secret for 13 years. You see I believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again. That was a lie and throughout our marriage he would stray, internet sites, phone sex sites etc. Every time I found out he would say how sorry he was, how he would never do it again, how he was just curious.
I know now that the marriage was doomed from the first time he slept with that man and I never forgot or forgave him for that. I didn;t trust him often checking his phone, bag, computer for clues.
Over the years our sex life became non existent. He was too tired, stressed, ill. I began to think there was something wrong with me and became a bit depressed.
At the end of last year after being a stay at home mom for 12 years I went back to work in an office. My job gave me confidence. For the first time in years I wasn't someone's wife or mum I was me. I got dressed up every day and went into town and was surprised when men started paying me attention and realised for the first time in years that I was actually sexually attractive. I even had a couple of complete strangers ask me out for dates. Meanwhile my husband completely ignored me sexually. Don't get me wrong I wanted for nothing. I had foreign vacations, lovely clothes, dinners in fancy restaurants. My husband was very kind to me and treated me like a queen and he was the best friend I ever had. However I just couldn't understand why he wasn't interested in me, why he didn't like so socialise with friends, why he always seemed so distant from time to time. Why he always seemed so lethargic and uninterested in our our family life.
Eventually about 3 months ago I confronted him and told him that I was unhappy and suspected that he was up to his old tricks again on the internet sites. NOTHING prepared me for the confession he made to me that morning. He told me that throughtout our marriage he had been having relationships with men who were dressed as women and couldn't help it. He was sorry. He loved me and wanted our marriage to work. He had been meeting up with these men in their homes and having sex with them and this was only 10% of who he was and the other 90% belonged to me and our son. I was physically sick. I couldn't believe it. When pressed he told me that he had had sex with one of these men as recently as the Spring of this year. No wonder he wasn't interested in me. Don't worry apart from when we were trying for the baby he always insisted we used condoms. I thought it was a bit odd but was to stupid to put 2 and 2 together.
So here I am. I've filed for divorce and I'm miserable. Not because I want him back but because my best friend lied, cheated and betrayed me and my son. All the kindness he showed me seems like a lie to keep his cover and assuage his guilt. I feel as though I was trapped into the relationship by the pregnancy I didn't really want (although I wouldn't be without by son for the world). I kept his secret for all those years and throughout that time he betrayed me. I feel as though I will NEVER get over this as it hurts so much.
He is constantly calling, emailing sending sms messages begging for forgiveness refusing to acknowledge that he is gay or at least bi sexual. He is using our son to get to me, keeps turning up at my house crying and begging. Sometimes his harassment is so intense that I begin to doubt my decision but I know I deserve better than this and he will never change and besides I don't want to be with him.
Please help.
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- Please help! Confused -- M, 15:43:57 09/25/09 Fri
Hello. I am so happy that I found this forum. I am so confused I don't know which way is up. I have been in a very long term relationship with a man. We are not married but live together. I haven known for many years that he is gay and his secrecy caused A LOT of mental anguish for me. I pretty much went off the deep end and was doing things that not only was I not proud of I hate to think about (snooping, lying and eventually alcohol and drugs). I certainly do not blame him for any of this and take full responsibility for my actions however I was in such denial it led me down roads that I NEVER thought I would go down. We separated and took a full year (without contact) so that I could get healthy again. I am doing great and he even went to therapy.
He is now open and honest with me about his sexuality and open with most people in his life. My problem and questioning lies in what to do now. We love each other (and in no way do I question his love for me). We have a VERY strong emotional connection and we are true companions. I don't know if this is enough. We are discussing options right now as to how to proceed. Do we stay in the relationship, attempt an open relationship or continue on as is...very little physical intimacy with him doing his "On line thing". I don't know if at 35 this is enough for me. When I told him last night that this was not going to work-more for him than for me he begged me not to leave him. I am so confused. PLEASE HELP. I dont feel like if we continue with this we will be being authentically ourselves. I have come too far in my recovery to hold myself down BUT I love him. Please tell me these conflicted feelings are normal. I am only 35. FAR too young to be in a relationship with one sided attraction. I think...?
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