- I have no one else to talk to about this... -- Nick, 22:04:19 03/26/08 Wed
Hello,
I'll try to keep this brief...but all of you know how difficult that can be.
My wife and I are 25 years old, and this October will be our sixth year together (a year and a half of that married).
Several months before our wedding date (we had a long engagement), I encouraged my wife to try and understand what might be lesbian or bisexual preferences. I wanted to make sure that we were starting our marriage honestly, and that I wouldn't find out at 40 that my wife was a lesbian.
She made several lesbian friends, went to lesbian clubs, read lesbian literature, etc...I supported her as long as she was faithful, and I trust that she has been.
After a few months of this "discovery", she decided that while she definitely was attracted to women, she was still attracted to me and that what we had satisfied her.
We got married, and things have been great until now.
I confronted her about some of her recent moodiness, and it came out that she is scared about the possibility of her being a full lesbian. Like our previous concerns, she doesn't want it to hit her at 40 when there might be children, a house, etc...
She says she feels a certain "emptiness", and that she doesn't know if having a woman in her life will change that. We've tried to fill this emptiness with church, volunteer activities, hobbies, etc...(please keep in mind that we were addressing her "emptiness", and not what we thought was lesbianism). She's seeing a therapist for anxiety/depression, and she's currently taking some medication. It isn't helping.
At this point, I feel it's important to give a brief description of our relationship. We really do seem like "soul mates", and everyone we know envies our chemistry. We are alike in so many ways, and I love her more now than I did six years ago. We have a very loving, understanding, and supportive relationship. Our lives are incredibly intertwined, and we've changed jobs, friends, etc...for each other.
So...right now, we're looking into finding a therapist who understands the situation and is impartial. I know that any "standard" therapist will try to "fix" her lesbian tendencies, while a standard "GLB" therapist will immediately push me out of the equation (I've spoken with several during the first "incident", and this happened universally).
We want to salvage our marriage, as we simply have a unique, one of a kind bond with each other.
However, neither of us have the tools to do so...and neither of us know if that is possible.
Does anyone have any advice?
Does anyone have any experience with situations like this that ended with the marriage intact?
Does anyone know of good techniques, practices, etc...that may save our marriage?
I'm a grown man, a former Marine, and a former martial arts instructor...and yet each day I feel like I'm inches away from sobbing like a child.
I need direction.
Please help.
(I'm willing to provide my email and phone number if someone may be able to help)
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- Can we go back -- Cara, 16:56:54 05/01/08 Thu
For the past 15 months this forum has really helped me and now I could really use some advice. My husband of 25 years told me he had met a man was questioning his sexuality and moved out. He never moved in with him but had a relationship but stopped it as he said he could not handle what he had done to me and the kids and missed us all too much. The kids rejected him and I had little contact with him. Now he is a broken man on anti depressants and has no life. I believe he wants to come home. I felt I had moved on after a hard hard time not coping so now can't understand why I would even consider going back but I think deep down I will always love him and at 50 can't really contemplate the future on my own. But how can he possibly be gay one day and then not even though he was supposedly straight all his life. is it possible we could have a future together and would I be ale to trust him again.The wa he acted was so out of character for him as he is at heart a good honourable man
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- need some support -- sophie, 00:10:53 04/12/08 Sat
I could use some support tonight....
I'm living with my bi husband and we haven't made any final decisions about divorce. There was no deception in our relationship throughout our marriage until he had an 'emotional' affair with a man from work. I was told six months into it.
It's been another six months since then and I haven't been ready for a decision. He's not either. I'm not over the affair even though he stopped seeing the man. I work through it in my mind and the affair isn't even the issue. It's that he's bi.
Tonight he told me in the intimacy of a very honest conversation about sexuality, that masturbation is better than being with me. (or any other person) His reason? Because he "can finish". He's had erectile dysfunction throughout our marriage, and as we've gotten older it's worsened. Viagra doesn't seem to help. It's at the point where he experiences pretty strong performance anxiety every time we're together and isn't able to complete anything.
What he said tonight....I just felt crushed. I can't shake this feeling that I am not enough...that I am not good enough..that I am just really bad at sex...that I've had too many babies and am no longer what I used to be....that I am just not the right gender for him.
It just feels like crap and I need to vent.
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- Transgender Husband? -- Confused, 05:07:05 04/22/08 Tue
My husband of 6 years has just come out as being transgender. He was diagnosed as having dissociative identity disorder by 2 therapists, but he feels it's transgender and has gotten 2 more opinions that agree with him. He is to have testing soon to see if that better diagnosis things. I believe he is DID...I see the changes and different personalities, but he completely disagrees with me. He has 4 young children, and to complicate things his ex-wife is lesbian and has a lesbian live-in partner...however the kids don't "know" she is gay. We share custody. I am sad, lonely and confused, but more concerned for how the kids will take this - not only do they have a lesbian mom (not that that is bad, it's the secrecy/denial of the relationship), but now their dad wants to be a woman. He is attracted to women, and he thinks I just accept this and we go on. The problem for me is that I am not gay and not attracted to women...he claims to not understand that. I would love to hear from anyone else that has a transgender spouse and family. Thank you.
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- My Marriage is Over -- Jeremy, 06:47:24 10/24/07 Wed
I feel like I need to tell this to someone and this seems the place to do it.
In September, my wife came out to me to tell me she was gay. I knew that she had struggled with same-sex attractions in the past and I could easily live her having bi-sexual feelings. I just never thought that she would be a full blown lesbian. She hasn't been seeing anyone. She hasn't even dated another woman. She just came to the realization for the previous months that she had absolutely no attraction to me, or any man, what so ever, but that she did to women.
We haven't been married long (it'll be 2 years in November) but I have built countless futures around this woman whom I love more than I thought possible to love another person. To know that she no longer can love me the same way; or even that she never did has shaken me the core of my being. I can't find purpose in life anymore, I just go through one day at a time with no clear goal in sight. Just go to work, come home, sleep (in a separate bedroom now) and repeat.
Since she came out to me, she has since come out to her family, my family and all of her friends. She also started to build a life that seems to actively exclude me. I know she had months to move through her mourning over our marriage before I did, but this still hurts almost as much as her not sharing my love in the first place.
How can I move on? We're in the process of filing of papers for a dissolution of marriage and I'm searching for my own apartment. But I'm always lonely and depressed. Even when I'm with other people. I fear that will get even worse when I'm living by myself. I can't afford counseling or medication of any kind. It seems I have to work through this alone, cold turkey-like. I just don't seem to have any where to turn.
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Replies:
- Re: My Marriage is Over -- Beamer, 07:47:42 10/24/07 Wed
- Re: My Marriage is Over -- p, 12:22:32 10/24/07 Wed
- Re: My Marriage is Over -- thefinitemonkey, 08:18:08 10/25/07 Thu
- An Update -- Jeremy (homeless), 04:52:50 11/14/07 Wed
- Re: My Marriage is Over -- Lewis, 11:49:01 12/02/07 Sun
- Update (For anyone interested) -- Jeremy (lonely still), 00:28:56 02/08/08 Fri
- How -- Jeremy (Hoping to Move On), 10:23:24 04/17/08 Thu
- Re: How -- jj, 20:00:56 04/17/08 Thu
- Re: How -- Beamer, 06:53:42 04/18/08 Fri
- Re: How -- Bob, 12:23:28 04/21/08 Mon
- I'm having a hard time -- Liz, 10:47:25 04/18/08 Fri
I divorced my husband last year because of his lack of interest in me sexually and emotionally. The last couple of weeks I've been weeping almost daily.
Those of you who have gone through this, how long does it take until you feel whole again.
I'm angry at myself for allowing the marriage to go on much to long.
I'm feeling such sadness and sometimes I don't feel I'll recover from it.
Any supportive words are appreciated.
Liz
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- need advice -- r, 23:51:01 04/06/08 Sun
i have been married to a man for 5 yrs, living together for 8year, we have 2 beautiful daughters. Mid last year i noticed changes in my husband, subtle but there. We had always communicated so openly, as he travelled alot we talked for hours most nights and just loved each other and our family - it was the most important thing to both of us. As i said I noticed changes and after weeks of arguments he finally admitted to having had an affair with another man he met on the internet. he promised it was over and these feelings he had for men were insignificant compared to what he felt for me. And I beleived him. For a couple of months it seemed like we were back on track - and then i caught him on a gay chat room.We had a hugr argument over this and he asked me to help him - I got him a therapist. We still werent back to the couple we were but I was hoping that would change. That was January and he promised he had done nothing since and was working on getting back to us. I asked if he was coming back home at the end of his work contract to us, as in the time he was in our home he told me he loved me and was here for me( i assumed finally our lives were going to go back to as normal as they could be ) and then said he doesnt know, he is still trying to sort his head out. I told him to make a choice - he choose to leave but still felt that we would be together again he just needed more time to process everthing that had happened in the past months - I found out this weekend that not only has be been on chat rooms but he has been having sexual encounters with other men and seeing some men more than once. He works away from home so this has been easy for him to cover. He now tells me that he still wants his marriage and his family but this is the only way he can get back to us and the reason he wasnt able to tell me all of this is that I flip out about it - wouldnt anyone ?? He wont admit that he is gay - he tells me that there is alot of grey area where sexuality is concerned. I get all this and I also know my marriage is over - you dont love a person and disrepect them so totally - but how do you move on and find your place again. How do you ever trust again ? How do I tell my daughters about this when the time comes ? I have so many questions I want answered for myself and from my husband. When I ask him a question he just gets defensive - when will it not matter to me anymore ?? I am seeing a wonderful therapist but I dont think anyone else can possibly understand unless it has happened to you too. Your thoughts and advice would be appreciated
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- Confused -- Jean, 13:53:23 04/09/08 Wed
Just found my husband of 10 years has been surfing gay porn. I do understand the varied layers of sexuality, arrousal, turn-ons, etc. However, apparently, he posted a profile in the hopes of possibly taking his interest to the next step. I know he loves me and I know he's confused (i.e. "it was a stupid thing to do", "I don't even know what exactly I was looking for", "one thing led to another"). He claims he only received emails from interested parties and never responded.
I don't doubt he loves me and our 3 small children very much. He says he wants our life and I don't doubt that either. However, I'm very scared about everything involved. Just curious for input and others stories.
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- Another thing -- Domino (oops), 23:26:06 04/05/08 Sat
Well, every day I find out something else. I posted just ethe other day that I didnt think my husband engaged in gay porn. And I finally just came out and asked. And he said yes. He said he looks at all types of porn, but it doesn't mean he is gay. He said he still does it sometimes and will likely continue to. He says it is for the shock value. I truly do love this man. We have a close connection, which has always been more as friends than husband and wife - lacked intimacy. He was verbally abusive, blah, blah, I've said all this before. I think he is confused with himself and I know I am confused about him. I don't know what to do to help him and in the meantime feel I am losing myself. What else is out there that I haven't learned?
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- Is my husband gay? -- Mashel, 15:47:06 03/25/08 Tue
Hello
My husband has been surfing numerous gay sites for months. He is still sexually interested in me, although he would like to have more "wild sex" and things that include anal-anything for him.
I confronted him about the sites, and he tells me he is not gay, he just wants to compare his penis size, that the spam e-mails he gets make him feel inadequate so he just wants to compare.
I am lost. Any help?????
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- One more thing -- domino, 23:29:24 04/03/08 Thu
I'm adding to my other post. The 4 month relationship took place 20 years ago - and I don't believe he has ever cheated on me since then. Nor have I ever found any evidence that he has engaged in any gay porn, cell phone stuff, email, or any evidence at all. The primary things that make me question are the 4 month relationship, and the manner in which he has treated me. I could never do anything right - verbally abusive - and not interested in sex. Criticized my body, etc. I feel guilty even thinking he could be bisexual or gay, and yet...it's still there.
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- Is this a sign of a gay husband -- Kaylee (Confused), 18:49:59 04/02/08 Wed
A friend is in fear that her husband may be gay, on his cell phone she found that he had called and interacted with some kind of gay phone sex line I guess one that you can leave messages for each other. When she confronted him he had tears in his eyes & this was the first time she ever saw tears in his eyes in their entire marriage. He claims he is not gay and was just having fun. He is likely gay or not? I forgot to add that their sex life has been lifeless for many years.
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- Afraid about past relationship with man -- domino (confused and scared), 22:28:54 04/02/08 Wed
My husband had a 4 month relationship with a man before we were married. He told me that this person had an attraction for him but that was all. We separated two years ago for other difficulties and after he then told me about the relationship. That it was 4 months and they did have sexual relations. He says he is not attracted to men now, and has not been involved with any men since then and is not attracted to them. Our sex life when married was very infrequent and it was spent on making me happy but I could do nothing to make him excited - I could not please him. Our lack of sex was a big part of separation as I became attracted to someone else. We have been to counseling, many different ones, and it has never felt successful. How do I gain confidence that he is not gay or bisexual? We have two kids and he would face a lot of pressure if he were gay and were to come out.
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- Post seperation advice/Custody issue -- Toucan (Concerned), 11:40:52 03/30/08 Sun
After seperating from my wife upon discovering her lesbian affair, we agreed to 50/50 custody (stating no overnights with "significant others" and kids). The kids (boys 11 & 13)are doing well. They are loved by us both. My very strong religious in-laws are struggling with the actions of their daughter (almost disowning her). I was having to come up with $27000 for the buying her out, until I offered to allow her to be with our kids and her partner in overnight situations (allowing them to buy a house together) if she let me off the money hook. Thinking there will be now harm overnights with her and her partner (they are not into PDA, etc.) and boys don't know of their relationship (I think). That is another dilemma...when to tell the kids about their mother.
My current dilemma is this: I love my in-laws dearly. They think I am selling out to the corrupt immoral lifestyle of their daughter and harming the boys. I love my kids, and don't feel my ex wife would expose or harm them in any way. The partners will have seperate bed rooms after they buy a house nearby. Presently my ex wife has a 2 bedroom apt. for when she has the boys. I just feel this would be best for ALL of us (giving the boys HOMES, and financially helping ALL of us). The in-laws are praying that I don't do this. I love them dearly, but worry about their perception of me after this. Close friends tell me this is the right thing to do, but my in-laws are encouraging me to seek advice from my pastors. HELP.
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- Is the kids reactions normal??? -- Alison (Worried!!!), 01:35:23 03/26/08 Wed
Tonight we told our girls [aged 12 and 8]
I was so annoyed at the way he approached it though. He was really nervous about telling them and in my eyes took the easy route out by telling them that he is bisexual [when in fact we know that the real issue is that he is gay]. He also didn't admit to being involved with another male which I learned last week.
Anyway the girls didn't really show any reaction apart from a few giggles and seemed to take it ok. They sat and listened then said they were going to get their bath, kissed their father and went upstairs. When he left I went to check if they were ok. They both came to me for a cuddle and a kiss and I asked if they were ok. My eldest said they were shocked. I asked them both if they had any questions but they did not, had their baths and went to bed [my bed, they are still sleeping with me].
It is now nearly 4.30am and why is it that I am the one who cannot sleep and is feeling sick with worry. They are both sleeping soundly.
Is this reaction normal? I just feel that this maybe the calm before the storm. I told them that it is better to talk about their feelings rather than bottle them up and to remember that I am here for them no matter what, as is their dad if they have any questions they need to ask him.
I have read so many different stories online where this type of thing affects the child either straight away or in later life, I just want to know what is the best thing to do? I don't want them to feel like I am ignoring it but then at the same time I don't want to keep pussy footing around them asking if they are ok in case they think that i am smothering them or if i confuse them further in any way.
I am relieved that they know as I couldnt bear the lies and dishonesty anymore. It is bad enough that I have been lied to for the 23 years that i have known him and there is no way i could keep that lie alive with my children. But then on the other hand I am now so worried about how they will handle it once it sinks in.
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- Bi Husband -- Teel (Questioning), 23:52:54 03/13/08 Thu
Is anyone here still married to their bi husband? How did & do you handle it?
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- CNN online - When your spouse announces he is gay -- TT, 10:58:34 02/15/08 Fri
Dear All,
This article just got posted on CNN online, and cites SSN and Amity. The link to the piece is http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/02/15/gay.spouse/index.html TT
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- What about the straight one? -- Alison (confused), 20:14:19 03/13/08 Thu
I don't know if any bi/gay men come on this site or maybe there may be a straight spouse out there who can help with this.
My husband and I have separated after he admitted being bisexual - i think probably gay in all truth. My previous posts are on this site - Ali and Alison.
He told me he 'cannot live a lie no longer'. We had what I and everyone else thought was the perfect relationship, he gave me no reason to think otherwise. Now he has said this he has not only taken away my marriage but also years of happy memories as now i wonder what i really was to him.
I sent him an email with some questions asking him to explain for me as although i know he is going through inner turmoil, but so am I.
the thing is, he seems totally oblivious to the pain, despair and utter confusion I am feeling and has not bothered replying to me. So I am left here wondering what it was all about.
He has turned into someone I just dont know and that is devastating as we used to say we knew each other inside out but now he is a stranger to me. He is cold, distant and preoccupied. He swears that he has not had a gay encounter but i truly think he has but i also know that he will never be honest with me and that is making me hate him so much. I just dont understand why he cannot sit down and talk with me after all the years I have devoted to him and be honest with me.
As the days go by I should be getting stronger but i feel because of all these unanswered questions i have it is getting worse! I just need some answers from him so that I can MOVE ON and make sense of the life we shared.
Does anyone else have a similar story and did you get any answers? I feel like i am going out of my mind but he has switched off and doesnt seem to care anymore.
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- Re: What about the straight one? -- Teel (Understand), 21:59:40 03/13/08 Thu
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Bob, 22:10:21 03/13/08 Thu
- Re: What about the straight one? -- p, 22:26:38 03/13/08 Thu
- Re: What about the straight one? -- t, 20:19:31 03/14/08 Fri
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Sue, 21:07:49 03/14/08 Fri
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Kay, 21:38:43 03/14/08 Fri
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Jayne White (Sad), 23:12:57 03/14/08 Fri
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Liz, 16:35:59 03/15/08 Sat
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Andi (Perplexed), 21:06:11 03/15/08 Sat
- Re: What about the straight one? -- Cherrie, 20:53:40 03/23/08 Sun
- thank you -- lisa, 00:00:05 03/23/08 Sun
difflurker , you are amazing and your comments are much needed ......... i believe i am married to a deeply closted gay man , whom i love dearly .... so your "voice" on these issues helps me in more ways than you know
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- New Jersey Turnpike -- Kate, 16:39:35 03/14/08 Fri
Does anyone know if the last exit on the New Jersey Turnpike (Maryland House) is a meeting place for gays? Thank you for any information you can provide.
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- How to tell -- Pooh Bear, 23:39:58 03/03/08 Mon
I have been in a state of limbo for 4 months, ever since I caught my husband posting personal ads looking for things I'd never heard of. I've been so angry, that I finally broke down and sought out a therapist for myself. I have not approached my husband yet, with what I think is the truth, as I'm afraid of the outcome of the conversation. So far, everything I've read makes me believe he'll deny being gay, even if it is true. I'm so confused. I know what I read on the computer, yet I doubt myself about what I saw there. Without going into too much detail, there's been no sex in over 3 and a half years. Yet he chats online every night with God only knows who. How does a man in his 50's keep something like this a secret? Which is another reason I doubt myself in believing he could be gay. He doesn't fit the stereotype gay man, meaning he doesn't display feminine traits, etc. I don't want to offend anyone here, so I'll stop for now. But before I approach him with the knowledge I've learned from the books I've read, I want to be more than 75% sure I'm on the right track. How do I tell if he's gay? How do I not doubt myself that I'm right? I'm like that song, Land of Confusion. I've overanalyzed the entire situation so much, I don't know what to think and don't know who to turn to for advice.
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- Advise Needed -- Allen, 08:56:30 03/05/08 Wed
I have been married for 2 and a half years, living together for 4; we met 6 years ago. We have two children ages 9 and 2. The oldest is from my wife's first marriage.
About 3 weeks ago I noticed a package on our doorstep. I was actually expecting a package that day so I opened it and found a book called "101 Lesbian Positions" addressed to my wife. This was very shocking to say the least! I repackaged the book and put it back on the doorstep, as I wasn't sure how to approach her. That evening she went to get gas (usually I do this for her) and it took about 45 minutes before her return! I felt this long trip for gas had something to do with the book so the following morning I checked her phone. Sure enough there was a call made during the time in question.
The following day after I got home I looked through her dresser drawers and found two XXX lesbian DVD's and another lesbian book. I confronted her as soon as she got home. She told me that she has been having lesbian fantasies for approx. 2 years. She stated that she has never acted on these fantasies but confirmed that she did make contact with another woman through a matchmaking site (and above mentioned phone call). She also states that she is not gay, but possibly bi. She tells me now that she only wants to concentrate on our relationship and will not pursue this any further.
I have told her that she is free to keep her books and DVD's although she has thrown them out. I told her that I could not except the involvement of another person especially with out my knowledge. I have also suggested counciling. At first she agreed but has since stated that she could not talk to anyone but me.
She says that she is at times disgusted by her thoughts. She doesn't feel it is normal. She said she will work through this and will be open with me.
I spoke with her again last night. I told her that I don’t want to sweep this under the rug only to have it resurface unexpectedly. I told her that I would rather have her be open about her feelings than have me find out she was hiding, lying, ect.
My concern is that years down the road she will tell me that she wants to fulfill her fantasy and leave me. I am hopping to hear from others who have had similar experiences and can advise on communication.
Please let me know what you think.
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- Dating advice, anyone? -- Cherrie, 19:50:13 03/02/08 Sun
So, I'm trying to date. This is difficult. I only know gay ex-husband. That's it. I hardly even dated in high school. And any helpful hints regarding shortcuts in this endeavor would probably be useful (and humerous). For example, I wound up asking my 22-year-old son "what is this man angry about" and he came up with "he's lying to you to get sex, and you're not falling for it." This is something I would not have thought of. And the last guy who expressed interest in me, I wasted a bunch of energy on before I figured out that he was "just a pothead." I had no clue that you could arrive at the ripe old age of 45 and still be a stoner. Some of these folks just never grow up...? Yes??? Anyway, I am getting this sense that a man who is "single at 45" is single for a damn good reason. And, yes, I do bump into "somewhat decent" every now and then. But, I'm really just "a kid." I don't know what I'm doing. And I trust when I should not. And I don't really understand straight men at all. They are kind of weird. (Thank God I have a brother and a couple of male cousins... or I would not have the courage to be out there at all. Sane, mature adult men do exist, yes? And, randomly, every now and then, one of them might come available in middle age, yes? I can hope? :-))
So, I may have said this on this site before, and I apologize if I'm starting to repeat. But I don't really need a man at all. I really need a friend. I live in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere, and I would kill for somebody to "just hang out with."
And I put an ad on Craig's List to that effect. What did I get? I got an offer for a threesome. And, while quite humerous, to know that my "neighbors" are into that sort of thing, it really wasn't what I was looking for at all. So, yeah, I'm pushing the dating thing. I'm thinking I've got a better chance of finding a friend via dating than I do the other way. Sad, but true. 45 is just a really rough age. My best friend's daughter got knocked up last year, so she's grandma/daycare. It seems like women my age are really chained to family in a deathgrip sort of fashion. And, yeah, sad, but I feel like I have a better likelihood of finding friends at my age via dating than I do by hanging out with women. At least in my little neck of the woods.
(Which quite frankly, sucks big time today. I bundled myself up to run into town to order a pizza. I really needed to get out and about. But we have freezing rain. So, I unbundled and put myself back inside to wait for spring. Winter sucks.)
(And that's why I'm back on-line grousing about life. :-) Blame it on the weather. But I'm still not thinking about taking anybody up on the threesome offer. I'm not that bad off, at least. :-))
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- What about the kids -- Jennifer, 12:57:57 02/25/08 Mon
Hi all, I write a blog dedicated to the kids of these unions and how they are effected. My father was gay and remained married to my mother. I found out when I was 13. The blog details the ups and downs of the choices they made. Please take a peek and add your two cents or five dollars worth. This is such a closeted subject and I think needs to be brought into the open if for no better reason than to try to prevent its happening in the future. In this day and age with the social climate there is no need for these lies to be told. You can find my blog at http://kidsofqueers.blogspot.com/ I hope to see you there.
Thank you all and blessings to you,
Jen
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- My life has just been devastated. -- Dan, 01:21:58 02/15/08 Fri
I don't know who to talk to or where to turn to. My wife of 15 years just came out to me and announced that our marriage would be ending. It has absolutely killed me inside and I can't even see a life or future for me. We have 3 children ages 15, 12 and 10 who do not know yet.
Throughout our 15 years she constantly preached to anyone who would listen that our marriage was a rock. There was absolutely nothing that could tear us apart. We lived an ever so loving, tender life together. We have been each other's best friend, and even after being married so long, we still kept each other up until 2 a.m. talking and laughing in bed. She was my absoulte dearest companion, my love. I would do anything for her. My very soul was one with her. I cannot begin to describe my commitment and love that I dedicated to her.
Throughout our marriage she always told me that the worst way I could hurt her, would be to fall in love with another woman. We had this conversation dozens of times. She told me it would be far worse than just having sex with a woman. I always reassured her that there was never a chance of that happening. Well two days ago, she told me that she had in fact fallen in love with an online friend from Tennesse where she had just returned from visiting her (we live in Canada). Her greatest fear in life (so she told me), and she does it to me.
I cannot even come to grips with this reality that has hit me. The woman she is in love with is also married. She and her husband tried to find a "sister wife" a couple of years ago and they ended up destroying another marriage because of it. She has had four lesbian relationships in the past two years while still being married. And now the love of my life is leaving me and consuming the same poison.
I wrote this woman a letter begging her to stop with my wife. I offered to buy her off. She has health issues and no insurance. I offered to smuggle her into Canada to get treatment. I offered her an apartment away from her husband if she needed to get away. No response.
My wife has completly changed. Her love for me has been instantly erased. After telling me the news I completly broke down (yesterday) to the point of insanity. I begged for God to take my life. In the midst of my breakdown, she went upstairs to lay down. I came up and listened to her on the phone through the door. "All I want to do is lay with you and feel you warm arms wrap around my back." This is what I heard. Her dedicated husband of 15 years is downstairs contemplating suicide, and she's upstairs having phone sex.
I have told her that I will always wait for her and I mean it. If things don't work out wherever she is in the world, whether she hasn't talked to for 2 months or 30 years, I've reassured her that I will be here waiting with open arms to invite her home.
I've never loved someone so deeply.
I never thought pain like this could exist.
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- Is my husband bi? -- Hurt (Numb), 14:45:41 02/25/08 Mon
I just found out that my husband had an intimate encounter with another man 2 years before we got married - as he described it "touching & feeling". In this same conversation (after grilling him for information) I found out that he had "unprotected" sex 20 years ago with another man and that theres been about 6 men that he's had "intimate" encounters with (either touching, feeling, or another man performing oral sex on him - he said he kneeled down to try to perform, but couldn't). I am sooooo angry, soooo hurt, sooo bitter, and really just numb.
He assures me that he loves me and didn't tell me before we got married because he was embarrased and that he was just searching for security and love. That he does NOT like men, that he does NOT enjoy anything with a man, and that he knows who he is and that he loves women, he loves me.
I am sooo ANGRY and upset that he lied to me because he's had every opportunity to tell me the truth (there's been a lot of things brought to me that I've brought to him and he's denied everything except I was going to try it but then I jumped up because I just couldn't do it). I have nooo idea what to do, what to believe or where to go from here.
Any help?
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- Roller Coaster of Emotions -- Sue, 19:08:06 02/24/08 Sun
It's been about 6 weeks since I posted the departure of my husband of 30 years. Since that time, I have met a very special friend through here, Alison. We have been in constant email contact with each other, providing, support, words of advice, sharing everything there is to share about our situations... It's remarkable to me that I can actually say that something good has happened through all of this, I met a very special friend. Thank you Alison for being there for me as I hope I am too. This is what it is all about....sticking together and providing one another with what support we need while we ride this roller coaster of emotions.
Some days I am so proud of myself for not getting upset or crying and other days, I could kick myself because I just can't seem to let it go.
I miss him terribly still. I won't deny that. I don't know if I would or could take him back now, but I still miss him. I wish we could all reach some level of calm and peace within ourselves.
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- Just sharing - humor -- Cherrie, 01:44:56 02/23/08 Sat
It's pretty funny. Dating after 26 years with a gay dude.
Did you know that you can be ignored for the love of a vintage snowmobile? (My gay man did not tinker, I tell you. At least not voluntarily.) Or that buddies are very, very important? (My ex had only casual female friends. Male friends were very few and far between.) Or that, gasp upon gasp (and my son is the one who informed me of this... I did not figure it out on my own), straight men lie to you to get sex?
Who knew all this? It's pretty funny. I'm 45 and I feel like I'm 12... e-mailing my 22-year-old son for "what did this man mean" advice and finding out that I'm missing the picture entirely. Wow.
Yeah, being married to a gay guy was a pain. But, straight men? Yeah, it's like dating aliens from another planet. I kid you not. And I have hope. But it's all pretty strange territory for me. :-)
And, PS, the "men lie to you for sex" is dangerous. Don't fall for that one. I have read two stats. My memory is not pristine, but I remember something like "four out of every seven dates initiated on Yahoo Personals (which is not a sleezy site) end in sex on the first date." And "one out of every three people have a venereal disease." So, there you sit, desperate for intimate contact, but intimate contact is, quite literally, "the plague." Deep breath. Yeah, it sounds good in person, but it sounds quite wretched on paper.
And if anybody would like to borrow my son, a sage and discriminating 22-year-old hetero male, for advice, I can ask him. He seems to be able to cut to the core of hetero behavior in three seconds or less. Bless him.
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- Bisexual husband has destroyed my life -- Ali, 08:00:22 02/11/08 Mon
My husband of 13 years has just recently come out as being bisexual. He says he has always known he is bisexual since a teenager but has never acted upon his feelings. Now he is in a place where his thoughts are consuming him, moved out 5 weeks ago and i am seeking a divorce.
My whole world has been rocked to the core with this. We have two children aged 12 and 9 and although they do not know about their fathers sexuality they are finding the split bad enough to cope with.
We had what I, and others, thought was the perfect marriage. He was affectionate, loving, no problems in the bedroom and as well as my husband he was my best friend. In short he was my entire world. Now he tells me that he hasnt loved me for years and that has thrown my whole life with him into question. This is either his way of dealing with things or what he is telling me is true and it hurts so much to think of all the 'happy' years we have spent together and realise that not only was he content to live a lie, he also made my life a lie!
So here i am in a position where i never thought i would be, a single mum with 2 kids worrying about the roof over our heads - he wants to sell the house!, money worries galore and more than anything facing up to my life without him, the man who i loved so completely and thought was my life partner.
I have been through all sorts of emotions over the past month, despair, devastation, grief, anger, bewilderment - you name it, i think i have been there. I have contemplated taking my life as thought of life without him fills me with panic, i loved him so much.
To me bisexuality is the biggest sin, because they crave both and if they cannot live with the life choice they have made, lives will end up being ruined. My husband has shown a side to him that i have never ever experienced in all 23 years i have known him, he has turned into someone who is selfish, inconsiderate of others feelings and cold - i truly dont like him anymore and wonder now how much of my life was a lie, has he ever loved me? I look through at cards and letters that he sent me and remember every day him coming home from work and kissing and cuddling me and telling me how much he loved me - I feel so stupid and worthless, how could I have not known he was being insincere!
Now my greatest worry is my kids, when the time comes how do I deal with it? kids all have their opinions on gay people and mine have never shown much tolerance when they see things like that on the tv so God only knows how they will cope with this. I am so hurt, confused and scared of the future, I just dont want them being as messed up with all of this as I am. Please help
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