- Lonely -- Tracy (sad), 10:54:05 02/09/10 Tue
I am 38 years old with 4 beautiful children, my husband finally told me that he has feelings for the same sex about 2 months ago after an emotional conversation on the couch. I still love him so much, weve been through so much together, I cant imagine my life without him. He tells me I'm his soul mate in every aspect accept for the sex. I am so emotionally tore up inside. I cry myself to sleep at night, and keep praying that he will come to me and tell me that he was wrong and that I'm the only one that he wants. I dont have anyone to talk to. I could never let his secret out. I feel that would be betraying him. He gets angry with me on my emotional days and tells me to stop acting like the victim. This makes me mad, I think I have every right to feel the way I do. Please someone, I need someone to talk to.
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Replies:
- Re: Lonely -- Ken (understanding), 11:30:18 02/09/10 Tue
- Re: Lonely -- Mary (Determined), 12:14:01 02/09/10 Tue
- Re: Lonely -- G (Understand Your PAin), 17:10:42 02/09/10 Tue
- Thank You -- Ken (Eternaly Thankful), 12:46:15 02/09/10 Tue
I have been such a mess the last few days and you have all helped and are helping me deal with it and shareing my suffering. I wish could hug you all. Today is a better day though and the sun is shining and I am going to try to clear my head and access my position in life. I can not thank you all enough for being here and listening and for God letting me find this haven in my storm We all have a long way to go. God Bless you all Ken
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- My boyfriend is bi-sexual-we want to marry.. -- Jenni (scared and confused), 03:16:21 01/26/10 Tue
Hello all.
I am an HIV+ woman who is dating a HIV+ man who currently lives in another state. He is muslim and very dedicated to his faith. He said he has been attracted to men his whole life and has been living a double life. I have known he was on the "down low" since the beginning of our relationship. Almost two years. Last summer I found a posting on gay.com and we broke up for a few months. Well...he completely cut off all contact with me. but eventually we got back in touch with each other and we really love each other. we want to be married and have children. He has never told anyone about his behavior and describes it as addiction that he does not want to have/act on any more. He has been VERY honest with me recently and told me the extent of his behavior and I have been very loving and supportive to him. Because I DO love him, very much.
However I am beginning to worry about myself. Do I really know what I am getting myself into. I told him that as long as he is monagamous, we can handle anything. My shrink said it dosent matter if someone is bisexual, it matters if they can be monagamous. But I just dont know if he will be able to manage this in the long run.
Why does this have to be so HARD??? We really love each other, we have great sex and he goes down on me...I thought gay guys wont do that...
I need some advice. I am 36 and he is 34.
Thanks!
JT
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- Totally Broken -- Rhonda (LOST), 15:01:50 02/09/10 Tue
I planned on spending a lifetime with this man.. And I don't understand WHY he did this now?? why couldn't of he walked away sooner?? I didn't deserve this.. I'm having a really hard time coping with this..
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- Totally Broken -- Rhonda, 01:54:01 02/09/10 Tue
Well I'm 31 years old... I've been with my husband for 11yrs we have 2 young children together. And I found out he is bisexual through his Facebook page... No less right before Christmas. I am so lost and hurt. I keep hanging on to this hope that things will change and he'll come back. I know I have to let go because I can't change his feelings. I have such frustration and anger towards him for not telling me years ago and now there is children involved. My daughter cries for her dad every night, it really breaks my heart. I was hoping that we could work something out for the sake of our children.. But it would never work out...
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- The hardest part -- Steve, 15:57:53 02/04/10 Thu
It was a beautiful spring day early in September 2003. I remember how bright the morning was, how the air was warm but not hot. My favourite time of year. We walked into a park by the bay and sat facing the water which lapped lazily at the rock wall just a few inches below our feet. It was there... literally in a single sentence... that my marriage ended and my world fell apart.
I have never committed the actual date to memory. I know there is a date in a diary somewhere but I have never looked it up because it’s not an anniversary I ever want to remember. Why ruin other beautiful spring days in early September?
On that day, at that moment, my wife disappeared... it happened in an instant. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. A stranger arrived.
My wife loved me. Completely. Unconditionally. Forever. Suddenly there was this stranger – in HER body - telling me she does not love me anymore. I’m looking into the face of my wife but the words were... alien. ‘What?! What do you mean you .... ‘?
There was no ‘I’m sorry’. There was no ‘maybe we can work this out.’ There wasn’t even a hug. It was just over. The stranger just had a look of steely determination on her face. Her mouth was set into some kind of emotionless line. Little did I know that I might have just witnessed a soul leaving a body.
The rest is history. The stranger never left. My wife never returned. I never got to say goodbye. Not a proper goodbye. Just words shouted into empty space.
'Where are you?’ ‘I love you.’ ‘I miss you.’
That’s the hardest part. Never getting to say goodbye.
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- Denial -- ztac, 03:32:58 02/07/10 Sun
I suspect my husband is gay/bisexual. The only evidence I have is his avoidance of sex. I know this could be other things. Please help me find more information to discern the problem.
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- hurt by husband deciding he's gay -- Laura, 15:52:21 02/07/10 Sun
It has been twoand half months since my husband of 28 years told me he was gay and tht he was leaving. it was the Sunday before Thanksgiving and our grown daughters were coming home in a couple of days. i ahdgone to the gym to work out and just gotten home. He said that he was leaving me. That he had already seen a lawyer and I needed to get one. He had rented and apartment and that he would file on Monday. He had come to terms with his sexuality. He packed up his car and was gone in 3 hours. He left it to me to call our daughters and tell them we were divorcing. I refused to be the one to tell them why he was such a coward but he did finally tell them that night. We are all in shock. He told the girls that he always knew he was gay and that it was acceptable to come out when he was younger and he stayed in the marriage until they were grown and on their own. He doesn't realize the effect of what he is saying. I have one daughter who doubts her whole existance and another who told her father she was ok with us getting divorced but didn't believe he was gay and never wanted to hear about it again. he thinks the kids are fine with it all now.
It was devastating for me to find evidence that he had been trolling Craigs list for men and had some at our home while I was out of town moving a daughter into her new apartment. I have no idea how long this has been going on but I can only imagine that it has been our entire marriage. I feel so stupid that I never saw it. I loved a man for 31 years who couldn't possibly have loved me while doing what he was doing.
We were in marriage counseling before all of this came out. The last two that we saw told him he had a drinking problem and needed to go to AA. You can only imagine that we didn't return once they said that to him. I am so ashamed that I let him verbally abuse me for years and put me down. It is only now thatIrealize the depth to what he was doing to me. I feel horrible tht I modeled that behavior for my daughters.
I am having so much difficulty dealing with the lies he is telling out daughters and friends. None of which makes any difference to his sexuality but he just wants to appear to be the good guy in this situation. He asked me why I thought I was the victim in this. This divorce can't be over soon enough.
I would love to be able to move on to find a career again and to find love again but not even really sure where all to start for people my age. I know here the 25 year olds hang out and I know where the 65 year olds hang out but haven't found the 50 year olds yet. I have no divorced friends and this is a couples world. I feel like a fifth wheel when I go out with my couples friends now. It is makes me feel like they just pity me.
Thank god for the support group I found and for the therapist but this is not the life I had planned for or invisioned and this life sucks.
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- Today -- Ken (????), 18:47:46 02/08/10 Mon
Today is a rough day,After I got the kids off to school I went back to bed and stared at the ceiling trying to justify a reason to get up. It all just keeps running through my mind again and again. When am I going to wake up. I finally got up and started my day thinking of my kids and how they need to come first. Tried to exercise but my heart just wasen't in it. I know this will pass and I do have moments of logic when the lies and deception are so clear, Then I sit here and the ghosts of my marrige well up upon me. The amount of love I had for my wife was beyond description and to discover she couden't feel or understand it is beyond me and that my life with her is over because of her NOW deciding what sexuality suits her it feels so dark and lonely and I just want to cry, She is so completly dead inside that she felt nothing for the last 15 years? Was I just the means to an end? And even now she become so self centered since she has moved in with her lover she has put no effort in our affairs leaving me to deal with everything. She just simply walked away and started her joyus new lesbian life..I am still even getting her mail. Thank you all for letting me vent, Thank you for being here and understanding. god bless
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- Unsure -- Mary (Sad), 11:27:11 02/08/10 Mon
It has been two months since my husband said "I'm gay and it is over." Since then I have dealt with this pain and rejection every day. I've tried everything I can think of to fill the pain in my heart, and yet it is still there. So big and so empty. The man I loved is gone, and in his place is a man I don't know. How could I have had children with this man? What have I done? I know it is not my fault, but God please make me believe that. I should of known. I should of listened to people, but I loved blindly, completely, and know I am 30 and have two children and no husband. I wanted to be married so badly. I wanted my children to have the perfect life. I tried so hard. I tried everything I knew to try. I just married the wrong person. He has a boyfriend. He is choosing destructive things, that can endanger his medical license, but he is blind and I can't restore his sight. This hurts so bad. I want to just leave, but I have a life, and some days it is okay. Today is not one of those days. Today is not okay. He is a piece of s%$# and I am here to pick up after him. I'm angry and I thought I was done being angry, but oh well such is my life. I hope one day this is all behind me. Thinking of you all, Mary
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- trying to accept... -- As Am I, 21:29:06 02/07/10 Sun
I've been with my wife for around 15 years and married close to 7, we are both 30. My wife came out to me and her mom in May 09, she told us she "thinks" shes gay, that she is no longer attracted to me, not in-love with me anymore, and thinks a girl can make her feel "complete". I moved out of the house not too long after that and have been living with my mother for the past 9 months. We have a 3 year old daughter who I see about 3 days a week. She had not brought the gay thing up since she first told me, but is now telling me she doesnt think she can go back to us, so I dont know if she truly found out if shes gay or not. I told her I was done waiting and that we needed to start thinking about a divorce.This has been such a painful experience and I need to be able to move on from this. Im just having a hard time accepting..
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- Rollercoaster -- Ken (Everything), 13:02:43 02/07/10 Sun
Everybody here was right when you described the waves of emotion that would overwhelm you. My logical mind is frustrated and angry at the lies and deception. The fact that the same lips that kissed me and my children have been on another womans genitals and the selfishness to decieve us to reach her comfort and sexual gratification angers me beyond description and I know that when I feel this way it gives her power to hurt me she is so self centered to even know she had. Then on the other hand there's the woman I loved for the last 15 years the smile the companion, my best friend, the mother of my kids, my lover. I know that I have to come to grips with the FACT that this person is dead I loved a fake somthing that only loved me back on a basic level and never in 15 years was capable of actually feeling the love I felt. She has advanced her lesbian relationship further in a month than we did in 6mo of dateing when we met, let alone the destruction of the family.How do I turn this off,? I hurt so badly and I know it means nothing to her and it is totaly undeserved I have made good progress but a day like today is a real setback. I just feel like hell.. Ken
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- Why?? -- Laura (Angry), 00:10:56 02/06/10 Sat
I posted on here a while back.
I've been married for 18yrs and have 4 kids, 6 mths ago I offically seperated from my husband. We both have our own place now. I have written my x a couple emails, telling him that I know he is gay. He will never admit it to me and has never and that FREAKING PISSES me off. Its like a silent unspoken language we go through. All of HIS family know, they have always known yet they choose to let us marry. I'm like WTF! But i have my wonderful kids to show so my marriage was not in vain.
Tonight just made my blood boil. My daughter had a play that she was in. And my parents, who haven't seen my x since the seperation, were attending along with my X and his "friend" thats what we call his live in room mate...lol..like i'm stupid! I told him about my parents being at the play and he said well thanks for the warning...I'm like why whats the big deal. Then hung up on me. I called him to find out where he was and he said he was taking "his friend" home because he was going to feel uncomfortable. I was like are you serrious? He showed up but late and I guess I should be happy he made it for his daughter...but
Why can't he just admit it to me? Why can't he just level with me and deal with it! I guess i'm just careing that he has feelings and its hard for him right now. I feel he needs to MAN up and deal with the issue at hand so we can clear the air.
Thanks for letting me vent!
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- Re: Why?? -- Laura (okay), 09:39:07 02/06/10 Sat
- Re: Why?? -- Laura (Mary (thank you)), 13:49:39 02/06/10 Sat
- Re: Why?? -- Mary (sad), 22:44:56 02/06/10 Sat
- Re: Why?? -- difflurker, 22:32:13 02/07/10 Sun
- He doesn't know I know -- tiredandscared, 18:41:35 02/05/10 Fri
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have a 2 year old child. While I've never been able to put my finger on it, I have always known something was not quite right about our relationship. Finally a few months ago I filed for divorce and we have been fighting ever since. He's begged me to stay over and over and has had multiple suicide attempts.
A few weeks ago I found a charge I didn't recognize on our credit card statement. Since it was a website, I went online to see what it was. It was a site for meeting others for sex only, not relationships or anything. At first I thought, ok he's kind of moving on and was a little relieved at that. But then a few days ago after another charge appeared I tried to log into the site and was successful.
There were over 300 messages from just a few weeks where he'd contacted women propositioning them for sex. Ok, we're getting a divorce I thought but continued to read. Then I found them. Messages with what I guess would be considered transgendered men (look like women in their pictures but with penises) offering them oral sex. All these messages make reference to send an email to an account that I didn't know existed.
In a way I am in complete and utter shock. In another way so much of our past makes sense now. At first I was just mad. We've been trying to reconcile even though the divorce papers were filed. I even started wearing my wedding rings again at his request. Today though I've been hit with just pure sadness. I had no idea...I feel like the last 10 years of my life have been a huge lie. Where do I go and what do I do from here?
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- Cheated out of 17 years -- Louise (Can't stop crying), 19:21:11 02/04/10 Thu
It has been nearly six weeks since I found out my husband of 17 years is gay. I found out two days after Christmas, he was behaving suspiciously on his laptop which made me wonder what he was doing, I was horrified with what I found in his history list, he is organising sex with total strangers that are 25 years older than him. We have two children a 3 year old and a 23 month old. I don't understand how he could have children with me knowing he is gay. I can't stop crying, the whole last 17 years have been a lie and now I have to share my children with this man that I do not know anymore. I have no family close by and I don't want to tell my friends about this I feel so alone and I don't know what the future holds. I have not confronted him about this yet as I know it will blow my world and my children's world wide apart. I have been receiving counselling from two different sources but I don't feel like it is helping me much. I am so worried for my children it's more than I can bear sometimes.
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- Post Lawyer -- Ken (I don't know), 22:38:11 02/05/10 Fri
Well here I am, the trip to the lawyer went well and I now have a stack of forms and worksheets that total up the last 15 years of my life. One sense of relief though is even though Kansas is a no fault divorce state that giving the fact that she left us for her lesbian relationship that she persued outside of our marrige,and the fact that she signed a paper giving me custody of the kids shows her state of mind and selfish intent when she left and would be hard pressed to find a sympathetic judge to give her custody if she would later change her mind out of guilt. I sit here and think to myself that my entire married life can be sumed up in this stack of forms and that somewhere along the way there stopped being me and became us (so I thought) and the anger, pain and grief well up inside of me,to have all that stolen and destroyed and as I grieve she celebrates her new lesbian love. I feel like the custodian of her life just around to clean up the mess as she goes on about her way victorious and brave in her own mind coming out, so many emotions,But one very important thing even as I sit here typing MY sons are laughing and playing somthing I haven't heard in this house in a few weeks. God Bless
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- Funny ways to make sure he/she is straight -- Liz, 19:24:15 10/10/09 Sat
Okay guys -- sometimes the forum gets a bit heavy with closet stories. Those of you who are dating have you thought of ways to figure out creatively if someone is straight or in the closet. Funny, outrageous, and clever are all good.
Liz
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- Stigma -- Hilary, 23:02:17 01/31/10 Sun
First, I would like to thank everyone who participates on this forum for their support and acceptance of everyone's different circumstances. Wish I had known about this forum three years ago. Second, has anyone had the experience of friends distancing themselves from you after you old them about your spouse? My disclosure to friends about my husband has seemingly brought some of my friends closer, but others have stopped returning my calls and have turned a cold shoulder to me in public. It's not like you have enough to deal with, without your friends abandoning you. And for you women, have you found that men are put off when they find out the reason for your divorce or separation is your husband's homosexuality?
Thanks, Hilary
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Replies:
- Re: Stigma -- p, 23:08:49 01/31/10 Sun
- Re: Stigma -- Mary (My two cents.), 00:18:05 02/01/10 Mon
- Re: Stigma -- bh, 01:09:05 02/01/10 Mon
- Re: Stigma -- Beerwhinny (found that too), 05:11:36 02/01/10 Mon
- Lawyer Day -- Ken (I don't know how to feel), 12:38:52 02/04/10 Thu
Well my friends today is the day I consult with my council, Three weeks ago this would have been another glourious happly day to be spent with my family and an afternoon in anticipation of my wifes coming home from work, and the evening meal but that was before.It is so hard to believe this was all a deception and all the time I was loving her I was loving a fake, But it is time for me to cowboy up.. she in the security of her new lesbian relationship couldent be happier and has left me and the kids to clean up HER mess. and thats exactly what we intend to do.. I have made my mind up to try to be as happy as she is and not allow her the power to hurt us anymore, THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH FOR BEING HERE. I will keep you posted...
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- Sad -- Mary (Sad), 10:47:02 01/06/10 Wed
It has been a month since my husband came out and said that he is gay and that it is over. The saddness I feel today is crushing. It is consuming my entire self. I can't belive my marriage is over, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so desperate, and lonely. How is this possible? How can you be with a man for 9 years, have two children together, and then he says "I'm Gay, and it is over". How does that happen? I would love some encouraging words. I feel so depressed. I can't imagine ever getting over this. Thanks, Mary
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Replies:
- Re: Sad -- Steve (sad for you), 16:37:42 01/06/10 Wed
- Re: Sad -- Mary, 22:20:31 01/06/10 Wed
- Re: Sad -- Marie (I feel the same), 03:33:51 01/07/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- victim (empathy), 10:17:24 01/07/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- p, 13:12:49 01/07/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- ninja225 (right there with you), 22:19:21 01/18/10 Mon
- Re: Sad -- Mary (To Ninja), 11:26:58 01/21/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- Beerwhinny (huggin ya), 04:57:44 01/19/10 Tue
- Re: Sad -- p, 01:29:35 01/23/10 Sat
- Re: Sad -- Eva ((went through the exact thing)), 22:27:20 01/27/10 Wed
- Re: Sad -- Marie (Can relate to Eva), 01:07:18 01/28/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- Mary (Sad), 19:25:55 01/28/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- BH, 06:53:06 01/29/10 Fri
- Re: Sad -- Mary (Okay), 11:05:21 01/29/10 Fri
- Re: Sad -- p, 21:00:48 01/29/10 Fri
- Re: Sad -- Steve, 22:53:15 01/29/10 Fri
- Re: Sad -- p, 22:57:39 01/29/10 Fri
- Re: Sad -- bh, 23:13:21 01/29/10 Fri
- Re: Sad -- Alison, 07:52:47 02/04/10 Thu
- Re: Sad -- Mary (Here), 17:41:24 02/04/10 Thu
- Confusion, trauma, shock... -- Peg, 23:11:34 02/03/10 Wed
In October, my husband of 27 years told me he was gay , told me he was leaving for the weekend to "think things through" and while I spent the weekend trying to see how we would work this through as a committed couple, he was seeing his boyfriend. He came back on Monday and told me he was leaving, and that he already had a divorce lawyer. He told me that he "needed to find someone to love" when I thought he already had that.
Through the next couple of months, I discovered that he had been seeing someone for months, and lying to me all along. He walked out on me, and left me to deal with the devastation of my life alone. I believe that his choice of deception and cheating has created an "irretrievable breakdown" - the term he used on the divorce papers.
Except on the days that I think he just didn't know what he was doing, how could he, and that I just need to forgive and we can then be great friends into the future.
I wonder how I could possibly respect myself if I keep someone who has treated me so horribly as a friend. We have three kids (mostly grown now) together, and so will have to have contact into the future. On the other hand, I know that at one time, we loved each other deeply, and it's been the last many years when this was coming out (no pun intended) that have ruined what was once a beautiful relationship. Is this something I want to salvage or not? Does the sheer amount of time it's taken him to be truthful with himself (I spent about 7 or 8 years knowing something was wrong but not knowing what) destroy the love that was once there? We've spent too many years with me angry and not knowing why, and then there was the cheating and lies....
I don't even know what my question is here. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since October. I am starting meds for sleep and for the depression/grief/shock/trauma. It's good to see so many other people here, though sad as hell that there are so many people in this position. Thanks for whatever words of wisdom you all might have. Reassurance that there is an end to the pain would be good...
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- research -- ninja (confused for knowledge), 03:15:03 02/03/10 Wed
does anybody know where i can find some facts/ info on women, after being with men, feel they may be gay, try a lesbian affair or two and then come back to a heterosexual relationship. i was hoping to find out if this is common uncommon or somewhere in between. i have know idea where to look. thanks!!!! hopefully unbiased research
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- some marriages do still work -- Margaret (happy), 04:10:49 12/27/09 Sun
Hello ladies,
I have been reading some of the recent posts here and feel rather sad because there is so much anger there. It is fair to say that anger is one of the first chapters after a man has come out to his wife as being gay or having a SSA (same sex attraction.
There is a scale of 'gaydom' and men can be either fully gay (in which case a marriage in the truest sense will not work) or be somewhere just past the middle (of the Klein scale) where they may still prefer women but have this unpreventable desire to have some kind of male connection.
If your husband tells you he still wants & needs you, and you really want to try to understand him, I feel that you perhaps need to do some research. There are some men who truly did not want to hurt their spouses and who cannot help their feelings of attraction for other men. Many do not know about their biversity until they are in their 40's or 50's and when they can no longer suppress their desires are afraid that they will loose their families. They can still love their wives and want to stay with them.
I used to think that men who were bisexual were just sexually greedy but once I became a (potentially) aggrieved wife, I had to examine this in a different light.
It is over 6 years since my husband came out to me, 7 years after we married. I was shocked but not as much as he was at this revelation that he could no longer suppress (he had a heart attack) and I was confused and angry until I realised I had to decide whether I loved him enough to want to try to understand what this was all about.
It's a long story, but the end result is that we are still together, we still love each other and have an even closer relationship (yes sexual too) than before. He is no longer suppressing his feelings (he had become very distant & private, and non-communicative.
I understand his need; we have discussed options and the goal-posts & guidelines, but we have worked it out. For me there was no sacrifice because I am not threatened by the 'another man' (as opposed to another woman!!). He is so much happier and - although he has taken a while - he no longer feels dirty or queer (pardon the pun). He can be himself..he pursues his SSA privately and safely (his family do not/do not need to know because our marriage is good. Some people think we have the perfect marriage and I think so too!! He is considerate and eternally grateful..we are best friends.
I know I will cop a bit of flak from this post. but I feel that there needs to be exposure to another side of this situation.
If anyone wants to contact me - please, only if you really want to salvage your marriage - I am happy to communicate with you offline (by email).
I wish you all the best, I know how hard it can be for you, but please try to remember the man you married, the man who was loving and caring toward you...why would they pretend that if it was not in their heart when it would have been easier to have 'the best of both worlds' and stay single. Okay I realise that some men to hide behind a marriage, but I honestly believe that most do not do this.
Cheers
Margaret
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- TO KEN -- p, 23:19:54 01/31/10 Sun
Dear Ken,
I apologize if I missed your original post.
I wanted to make certain you know that you're in a place where people really understand.
Say this to yourself over and over until you believe it, until it's engrained in you completely: "I did nothing wrong." You didn't. Nothing you could ever do or say would or will make her str8. Period.
Sadly, far too many lesbyterians leave a spouse and children as collateral damage with little more than an "I need to be authentic" line of compost and manure. Know that there ARE exceptions. No one HAS to behave in this way. It's a choice.
Keep in mind that you are now the Constant in the lives of your children. Big responsibility to be sure. You are loving and sensitive enough to not criticize your wife in front of the children. However, try not to excuse her behavior. As they mature (and it's going to happen sooner than you could ever imagine, especially in light of this new dynamic in their lives) they will make their own observations, draw their own conclusions, and determine what their relationship will be/become with their mother.
The M.O. of a Pathological Narcissist can be a real eye-opener. You might do a search for the characteristics. It can be helpful in trying to make sense of so much non-sense.
Getting some reputable mental health support for you and your children can be very important, if that's possible. Allow your children to feel what they feel and express it. Give yourself that same latitude. This is a death and you are all grieving.
Please post often. Subscribe to one of the support groups listed at the top of the page, if you choose. It can be a huge help.
More than anything else, know that you're not alone.
I hope you're planning on seeing an attorney asap. That may not mean that you intend to divorce tomorrow, but I can tell you from my experience and the experiences of so many other str8s, being pro-active in this from a legal perspective is critical. You're going to probably be blindsided on far to many occasions going forward, do whatever you can to know as much as you can in advance.
Take care of YOU YOU YOU YOU first. That's what you children need most.
p
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- Re: TO KEN -- Ken (scared akward frustrated), 09:26:20 02/01/10 Mon
- Wow! -- Mary (Amazed), 12:18:52 01/12/10 Tue
It has been 5 weeks since my husband came out to me that he is gay. He said "I'm gay and it is over". My live has been chaotic to say the least. I am unable to hold a coherent thought for more than a couple minutes. But let me say, that each new experience has brought me closer to realizing my truth. This man is not good for me. He is the love of my life, and I would of stayed forever with him (I believe marriage is a forever committment), but I am so grateful that he has let me go. I see all the emotional abuse, the belittling, the rejection (physically and emotionally), and the true lack of intimacy we ever shared. He lived in fear of this moment, and know I hope for both of us that there will be some healing. I have hope that I might regain the confidence that I once possessed. I have two beautiful children, that I would do anything for. Marrying him was not a mistake, just a beautiful journey that must now end. I still love him, and will always love and care for him. That is the kind of person I am. I love with my whole heart. I will not allow this experience to destroy my ability to love. I am a kind, gracious, understanding, compasssionate person who wants to be happy. I hope for all others who are going through this awful time, that peace will come for you. I don't know what the next hour will bring, but for now I am okay. The cloud of denial has been lifted. I lived for so long miserable and didn't know why. I thought it was me. If I were prettier, smarter, funnier, sexier, or just a better person my life would be perfect. Well it is perfect. I have been given an opportunity to make my life new, and beautiful. I just have to willing to take it. I still have so many things to work out, and so many more emotions to feel and honor, but I know I can do it. God as my refuge. I can do it. Mary
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- Re: Wow! -- Marie (Thought it was me too), 00:23:47 01/13/10 Wed
- Re: Wow! -- Beerwhinny (astonished at the similarities), 04:36:07 01/18/10 Mon
- Re: Wow! -- ninja225 (feeling the same kinda), 21:40:05 01/18/10 Mon
- Re: Wow! -- Joan (Hello), 16:31:01 01/20/10 Wed
- Re: Wow! -- Beerwhinny (hoping to find you all), 18:59:59 01/20/10 Wed
- Re: Wow! -- Kenneth, 13:12:43 01/31/10 Sun
- Re: Wow! -- BH ((with you)), 13:38:09 01/31/10 Sun
- Re: Wow! -- Ken (sad hurt), 14:13:35 01/31/10 Sun
- Re: Wow! -- Mary (Overwhelmed), 21:56:22 01/31/10 Sun
- Great quote -- Olivia, 16:53:52 01/30/10 Sat
Hi all
Not long ago, I came across a great quote that I feel sums up the unique qualities that each one of us possess.
"All the knowledge I possess anyone can obtain, but my
heart is all my own."
Some of us here may walk away from our relationships with our heads held high while others will deal with emotions stronger than can be explained in words. I can honestly say that I am still very much going through the stages of grief and go through SO many emotions on any given day because
this new reality just feels like it is simply bigger than I am. My trust needs to be completely rebuilt from the ground up and many days that scares the hell out of me........
Thank you for listening....
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- Betrayal -- Melody Brant (stunned), 01:47:03 01/22/10 Fri
It has been less than 3 weeks since my husband of 2 1/2 years made his grand revelation that he is gay and that his one and only affair with a man started before our first anniversary.
Every time I think about it I still almost callapse. I don't understand. How could he do this to me? I have never done anything other than to try and make him happy.
He told me on January 2nd and I am still trying to process all of this. The thing that hurts the most is that he brought his gay lover into our home and introduced him as a friend that needed our help. His exact words where, "This is what we do, we minister to broken people." WOW. I don't understand how he could be so gutsy about all of this.
I have, of course, moved back into my old apartment above my parents garage from before we were married. It made me physically ill to be in the same house with him, where I knew what he had done. I am a very religious person and I ache every time I think of where his lifestyle choice is going to lead him.
Since I moved back into the apartment I have, of course told my parents everything, and they have been very supportive and understanding of my need for privacy. I still cry myself to sleep ecery night, and even though I know our marriage is over I can't make myself take off my wedding band. IT hasn't left my finger since our wedding day, not even once.
I am afraid that the calm reaction I have had to all of this is not going to last very long. I have a friend who is going through the same thing, although she is several months ahead of me and I see how angry and bitter she is and it scares me. I don't wnat to be that person, but I'm afraid that when the shock wears off that that is who I will become.
I have reconciled myself to the marriage being over and I really am more content now than I was 3 weeks ago, but I still worry. What if noone ever wants me again? I feel like damaged goods now, who would ever want that?
I'm trying to focus on becoming happy again, it is just so hard to do. I don't know how I can ever be happy again after this.
MB
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- My life is weird. -- Mary (Confused), 15:49:27 01/30/10 Sat
My life is weird. I don't know how else to explain it. It keeps me guessing what will come next. I think I'm better, than all of a sudden some emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. I keep hoping that something in my life will get back to normal. I have never felt so uneasy, so unsure. I hold onto my faith, but my mind and heart are on a wild ride. It makes me feel sad, then happy, then angry, then elated. I am tired all the time. I feel like no matter how much I sleep I will never catch up. I try to quiet my mind, but to no avail. My life is weird, and I must keep going. 2 months seems like 2 years. I hope this gets easier. Mary
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- coping? -- ninja (coping?), 01:41:08 01/28/10 Thu
Jeff here (fiance called off wedding to explore her sexuality...). thanks to all that responded!!!! It is very conforting as somebody said "strength in numbers".. we have decided to express our love for eachother in a platonic way, I.E hugs,gentle kisses holding hands etc, with the idea being that we are in love just can not be together for she is on another path, What we get in return is a more mellow houshold since we have to live together and sleep in the same bed. We also get some attention and intamacy(non sexual). I miss the affection so its nice to hug and get a peck knowing this is hard for her too and that she truley cares for me may make it easier to move on. 2. also she is gone every weekend on dates with her new girlfriend (coming home at night ..for now), which is causing pain on may levels, but mostly the seperation anxiety is the problem. I was hoping that the affection we have for eachother allows me to get the idea that she NEEDS to do this but is still in love with me. she is not asking me to wait for her in any way. i think she would prefer it if i moved on or had a girlfriend so pressure would be off her. whick i suppose if i fell in love with somebaody else i would not need her as much but that is asking a lot... im starting to ramble. please chime in if you thoughts on our new process. thanks again y'all p.s i have been seeing a therapist since this all started about 27 days ago.
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- My husband is transgendered -- stephanie (confused, hurt, scared), 15:27:25 01/19/10 Tue
Iam 22 years old. My hubby and I were High school sweethearts. I got pregnant and we had our first son at 18. 18 months later we married. We had been through a lot in the months prior to our marriage including divorces of parents, deaths of loved ones, Severe postpartum depression, financial difficulties etc...I thought we could handle anything! Two months after our wedding my husband told me he was transgendered. I almost died. I had no idea what to do or say. I cried for days. The subject was swiftly "put away" and wasn't mentioned again. Now here we are 21/2 years later and He is so distraught by his inner feelings that he is becoming anxious and depressed. I am almost 8 months pregnant with our 2nd child. I am terrified of what is going to happen to our family. I love the HIM I married. I don't mean to be selfish but, even if he(she?)is the same on the inside, I don't think I can change my sexual orientation to be attracted to a woman. I didn't sign up for this when I married him. I love him but, What am I supposed to do for our 2 boys? I am scared of being a 20 something divorcee with 2 children. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I know I sound like a terrible selfish woman but, I feel like he should have at least mentioned it before I married him. I love himmore than anyone but, I feel like I have been decieved in some way. Most support sites for transgendered peoples' families seem to only address the importance of supporting the TG'd persons feelings and wishes. While they can not alter thier mental gender status, I, and I am sure many others like me, can not alter thier hardwired sexual preferences. I have no I idea where to turn to for help. I am terrified that in a couple of months this will bring postpartum depression on me that was worse than the last time. I don't know how I can manage to stay strong for an infant, a 3 year old, my confused hubby and my self. I feel like I am already starting to break. If any one has a word of encouragement or a story of thier own I'd love to hear it. Thanks for listening.
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