- Secret Lives -- Liz, 11:51:41 06/26/09 Fri
Those of us who were married to spouses with secret lives and find ourselves untangling the lies and main characters of our story some of us come at a crossroad. Do we become victims or do we step forward and find a new purpose and passion? Are you there yet and what are you doing about it?
Liz
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- Kids -- Cherrie, 01:40:50 10/24/08 Fri
I think this whole issue, what we beat our heads to death about, really hurts out kids a whole lot.
I have this issue, where I feel duped. It's a biggy. Massive. It yeally has hurt me horribly.
But imagine feeling the same way about your own father. That he duped you. That he presented himself as "this person" you identify with and then identified himself later as "somebody you never knew."
I don't think my ex gets that, but if he did, he would be horrified, but that is actually the sort of conversation I have had with my adult son.
His father was "someone". Then, being out of the closet gave him permission to be "somebody else." And "somebody else" is not in any way, shape or form better. It's not like he "reformed" in any way. This "sombody else" is kind of trivial to the extent that his previous self would have screamed "trivial" to his present self. I kid you not at all.
Ok. Confusing. Point blank. But "I'm gay" is not an excuse to be a seemingly-10-year-old nipple-piercing sex-obssessed 40-some-year-old.
And, well, show that to your kid, that that's what they see.
I am less angry now. Ok. But "coming out" needs to work better than this. It really does. "Coming out" for me has been "you're trivial." I hate that, but that's what it's been. And, for my son to see this thing is far worse. He really loves his father a whole lot.
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Replies:
- Re: Kids -- Sam (Admin), 12:42:43 10/24/08 Fri
- Re: Kids -- p, 11:43:49 10/30/08 Thu
- Re: Kids -- My Life, 20:36:25 11/05/08 Wed
- Re: Kids -- Jessica, 08:02:08 06/09/09 Tue
- Re: Kids -- jj (have to agree), 16:52:14 06/09/09 Tue
- Re: Kids -- Liz, 17:38:57 06/09/09 Tue
- Re: Kids -- Alison, 20:23:44 07/02/09 Thu
- Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years?? -- Maxpain (Very depress), 23:54:27 06/29/09 Mon
When I left for a year deployment to Iraq what I thought I had a marriage with two loving sons, caring wife, and the love of my life. We both cried for a long time when she left me at the armory the day we left. When I return home being of June, she was cold, distant and angry for reason I did not know until day after I got home. She told me she is emotional drain and does know if she has it in her to continue with the marriage. After a few days of talking and crying a whole bunch, she told me she has these not normal feelings for her best friend of 25 years and she was the maid of honor in our marriage. These feelings were more than sister loved or best friend love but what I said to her she is now the love of her love. She said what if she was and I told her if there is someone else, I do not want to compete for your love and nor should I. She must be sending at lease 40-60 text messages a day, hour on the phone before she goes to bed when she doesn’t go over to her place at night couple times a week.
Last week I called my wife out on this relationship and told her after she spent the entire day with her to spend the night at her place and see if your relationship goes to the next level. She back off quickly on this proposal and she had to think about what I had said. I don’t think its cold feet but the implication it may have if we start divorce procedures so she came home and she blame me or spin the story to justify what she is doing based on the emptiness she had during the past few years in our marriage. I had no clue and we went to separate counseling for few years with the same person none of this was brought up at all. I did not argue with her because I am waiting for my time.
Well because I was just getting off the plane from Iraq with all those issues from deployment and the nuke she did on me the first day back, by the end of the week I was in the hospital due to chest pains and my blood pressure went through the roof 165/115. They put me on anti depression medicine and sedative to help me sleep. After all this, our talks and her asking what I want from her she is still doing this stuff of walking out of the room or even the house when she wants to talk to her and the 4 or 5 dozen text messages a day. She also said she is extremely piss at me, angry and morning these past few years because I did not fill her emotional. I even got some marriage help books which she even got more pissed off at me.
I did a 180 on her and she did not expect this at all. She discounted me and how much I changed for the better because of the deployment so I think she is even pissed off about that reason why she keeps throwing the past feelings in my face to justify what she is doing. She realize how much I change for the good but she will not let me back into her heart or have any loving emotional feelings towards me because she is spending all of it on her best friend.
She said she is not gay. Because this is a total new realm I am in, is my wife bisexual? I saw it with my own two eyes the way my wife touch her best friends face going from check to check, holding hands, and my wife place her hand part way down her shirt maybe close to the based on her breast. Is she having an emotional affair and would this hold up in a court of law as cheating spouse? I don’t think they are having sex. I don’t know how to approach her or what to say, can someone give me some advice? Is getting a lawyer the next step or should I give it more time? She is not going to counseling or nor she is in favor in going to marriage counseling or read any help marriage books with me.
Thanks
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- My wife came out, badly. -- Kev (Broken), 05:35:02 04/21/09 Tue
Hi
I'm having trouble.
My wife came out to me. She did not do this in a nice or clever way. She showed no concern or sensitivity for my feelings. She asked how I would feel if she had a lesbian affair. I asked how it would affect us, she said we would just be friends.
Our marriage is over, we are separated, and getting a divorce.
As far as she is concerned that is it. At first I tried to be supportive, I believed that this was her first lesbian experience. I was actually proud of her honesty, and I 'outed' her during our breakup without thinking (not out of anger). She opened up to me, too much, and I misinterpreted what she said, wrote to her in what I thought was a supportive way, she took umbridge, lashed out, and told me that she had previously had a secret 3 month affair, that she wasn't going gaga over her first lover at all. She is suddenly and brutally in love with this woman, who she says she 'has not left me for' because she told me last year (immediately before the affair) that she had fallen out of love with me.So everything is rosy in her garden.
The last year has been difficult. she didnt explain why she didnt love me anymore, just that her feelings had changed. I didnt know what to do, (my depression didnt help), she seemed to be expecting me to 'fix' her (my interpretation), we tried to seperate to different houses to 'date' (apparently after the affair - and she has assured me it wasnt a con) but that fell through, she has since accused me of paying lip service to the marriage and following up with 'fuck all action'. But at the same time, she wouldnt move off the sofa, go see any friends, socialise with me etc. I was trying. I was working, paying all the bills, doing most of the housework, and threw myself (even using time off work) into helping her set up a business so she could have an income to buy a place of her own (separate/dating see above).
Our sex life was practically nil, (deliberately so by her admission.)
Meanwhile she said she was lonely, she had previously been to salsa classes but said men 'hit on her', so to avoid this she had joined a lesbian site 'the pink sofa', to find local friends she could meet safely (How stupid am I???). It was on this site that I think she met her first lover, and subsequently another lesbian,who came to our house and seemed to be a genuine friend to us both. But that stopped after she came onto my wife, who rejected her and came complaining to ME (I didnt know about the affair so I took this as a good sign that she was only looking for friends). She had been going away at the weekends, ostensibly to avoid contact with my son, who she has always had problems with (nowt wrong with him, they have old 'step issues). I guess she could cope whilst she was in love with me, but not since. She stayed away with friends, and ultimately with people from the sofa, where she met her current lover.
She has described her new beau as 'her equal and as strong as her' (implying that I'm not).
I'm destroyed, I should just pick myself up, forget the last 7 years and get on with it. Why should this be any different to a hetrosexual break up? A straight affair? I dont know. It just is. I feel like I'm under attack from the lesbian community, when actually I'm just the victim of an insensitive clod. We used to talk about everything. We didn't get a chance to talk about this. We did talk about our relationship, and she said we could have made it if it had been just us. it hadn't been for all our family, not gelling. I dont get that. How could we have made it if shes gay?
I dont know what to do. I'm not angry at her any more, I recognise that she wanted to make us work, but didnt try very hard. The Hurt has gone somewhere else. I hate lesbianism. It has destroyed my life. I hate their little cliques and pride day and their coming out support. Why do they have all this support and I, a straight victim of circumstance, whos wife has been stolen by an experienced butch lesbian who was rejected the first time but came back for another go, have no support at all.
I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to hate lesbians. I'll be frank, as a straight guy I used to like seeing lesbian sex, it was a turn on. Its not now. Seeing two women together turns my stomach, I cant even laugh at lesbian humour. Its like my soul, which was open and generous and never had a problem with anyone elses sexuality, has been mugged.
I try hard not to judge. Peoples sexuality is their own affair. Live and let live. But it never affected me before. I am a victim of someone elses sexuality!!!! How can I stop feeling like this? Can you help? Please!
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- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Linda (wow!), 15:37:06 04/21/09 Tue
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- KJ, 20:44:28 04/21/09 Tue
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Arya (Feel your pain), 22:51:24 04/21/09 Tue
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Paul, 00:10:49 04/23/09 Thu
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Cherrie, 02:25:14 04/27/09 Mon
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Michael (I feel for you man!), 17:21:36 05/13/09 Wed
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- DianeS, 00:15:33 05/24/09 Sun
- Re: My wife came out, badly. -- Bob, 00:04:58 06/22/09 Mon
- My apologies to all... -- Thomas (remorseful), 18:06:18 08/30/08 Sat
My apologies go out to "all" who have been mis-lead into marriage by a spouse who was not honest to their mate nor themselves.
My heart goes out to everybody who has seen this darker side of life where they were not knowing of the life they thought they knew was actually a life they never planned for.
I especially speak to "ALL" the Women out there who have fallen victim to this emptional disaster as I am a Gay Man. Please don't hate Me or look down upon Me for being a Gay Man, as I know the majority of people dislike Gay people. I can shed some light, hope and maybe some laughter on this delicate topic. All My life (I think at age 5 I knew I was "different") I was attracted to other Boys in My neighborhood and "NO" Girls. I was raised well by My Mother (respectful, knew how to do chores, cook, laundry) as well as learned a lot from My Grandmother. All I ever heard growing up was "You are going to make a great husband for a Lucky Lady someday" or "Such a sweet loving respectful good boy like, when are you going to get Married and get a Wife". Then came teen years in school and the favorite saying from all the guys was "thats so Gay" "you're gay" "how gay". Not knowing what "gay" meant I asked people what that meant and they gave another term to explain it.... "Fag". "What's a fag" I asked. And then I got the answer, "a guy who looks at other guys". I must have turned white as a ghost and took off like a rocket. That day I finally had a label, something that tagged me as who I or what I was. How ashamed I felt - just the word "fag" sounded so cold. Nothing loving about it especially I was a very caring and compassionate kid. Well after that kick of reality I shyed away from others to try to hide my shameful self that is until it came for school dances. I really liked to dance (My Mom taught me all the dances- jitterbug, stroll, cha-cha,twist and the bump) since My father had 2 left feet and only knew one dance. The Dances came and now I need a date.... well I had to ask a girl so I did ask a girl and we went. I was excited that I was going and after getting there and only seeing girls dance with each other and all the boys were standing against the wall I decided to be the first boy on the floor. I took my dates hand and wisked her out on the floor and we danced like there was no tomarrow. I remember two distinctive things happening that night. 1) all the other girls were swooning over me and wanted to dance with Me 2) it happened out of the blue.... some boys came up and yelled at Me -"FAG" and laughed. I felt so ashamed and embarassed that I left the floor, called my dad to pick me up. After that I was now labled in school, not for being a good dancer but as the (new term) "queer". I was now in a rut and had to find a way out. I know I thought, "I'll get a girlfriend" and so I did. Long story short... even though I loved Her, I loved Her as being "Her" not as a Woman. So now I have shame on both sides of the scale. On one side I have the shame of being labeled as a fag and queer and on the other side I am lying to a perfectly unknowing and innocent lady telling her I Loved her and making wedding plans with but knowing after years of struggling as a boy who was different that I could not be faithful to her and love her the way a Man should. So after a very long week of deep emotional thinking, gut wrenching and agonizing thoughts I made my decesion as to what I was going to say choose or do. One side of me did not want to ever, ever hear that trem/label used against me ever again even if I have to hide behind a Wife in order to escape cruel treatment the other; was to stand up, be a Man and not tare,shred and ruin the life of a lovely girl that deserved the chance to be happy. A chance to make a descesion to be with a guy that truely "loved" her as the Women she was! Well it broke My heart but I made the painful decesion and told My girlfriend that I was gay and did not feel the same about her as I do for a Man. We both cried and just held each other and comforted each other. It was one of the most painful but yet best decesions I've made in My life. I see her from time to time and after all these years she still thanks Me for not lying to her and leading her into a make believe life. she has a nice husband and beautiful children. And yes, we still Love each other.... as Friends that cared for one another.
Fast forward to 2008. My Life partner and I are denied rights, benefits and recognition from soceity just for being two masculine gay men who happen to love each other. Were not about the sex and sleeze as most people seem to think of gay people. We work pay bills have a four legged furry friend who keeps us busy good family who loves and accepts Us as a couple of 15 years and we are soul mates. As We see it... men who marry to hide and ruin a Wife & children's lives in order to keep the finger pointing at them have more rights in Life then Us and therefore they are cowards. C'mon Guys... grow a pair, stand up for yourself and be accounted for as Gay men and stop hurting innocent Women & children because you are not man enough to stand out in being "different".
Ok Ladies, I will stop here even though I have much much more to say than this. I will post some tid bits on things like how to determine your husband is (as Oprah says) on the "down low". as well as give you some inside views from a Man who has been romantically and sexually involved with women but choose to be with Men. Again, I'm sorry for all of you who are or have suffered from someone else's denial. God Bless!
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- Re: What if we look at all this drama at a diff angle? -- Erin (what?), 04:29:30 06/14/09 Sun
God, I need help. I have suspected that my husband is gay for many years. We have been married for 14 years. We have 2 little boys. I loved this last letter, because it emphasizes the exact way that I feel. No matter what I do, I can't get him to come out.
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- What if we look at all this drama at a diff angle? -- Sam (hopeful), 20:02:15 04/09/09 Thu
Hi it's Sam again. I posted here awhile ago. Anyways I just wanted to say that, instead of this being about gay and straight, we live in a society that obviously pushes and pulls men in different directions as to far what their sexuality lies, on who to love and why etc.
The fact of the matter is, even if a man says he's 100% straight there is certain things, ie the 'manly touch' -- that a woman can't replace. That it's just not realistic to expect that one person can give you everything in a situation. That no one person can be your everything, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, and how much you find them attractive. I learned this the hard way.
To me the issue with these "gay" men is not that they're gay and having sex with men behind your guys' backs (of course if it's unprotected that is cause for an alarm), but that they have to LIE about it, in order to keep you happy. That society puffs up two women as 'hot' but two men as 'gross.' Look at the way most of the media treats male homosexuals, as if we're nothing more than a joke, a farce, something that can (and should) be disposed of. Even in 'lighthearted fun' making fun of the faggot is a sure way to bring the family together.
I just don't see why THIS issue has to break up otherwise happy, heterosexual issues. Does the relationship ALWAYS have to end in an overly political correct, Oprah-fied way upon hearing about your husband's sexuality? Very, very few men are 100% straight, just like very few men are 100% gay. It's never an either/or thing. Maybe he is happy with you, it's really only important that you cover up each other's weak points. Pure sexuality distinegrates into nothing more than an orgasm. Is he ROMANTICALLY into these men like he was to you? Did he love these men in ways that weren't all about sex?
A relationship needs to be primarily about emotional commitment and security. Not just sexual intimacy. In fact that should be a small detail in anybody's life, otherwise we all reduce ourselves to nothing but whores- gay and straight.
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- One woman's story on her narcissistic husband -- Liz, 11:38:22 06/12/09 Fri
This story I found on the Huffington Post and explains how one woman was duped about her relationship with her husband. She's writing a book about her search for truth. Granted, he's not gay but some of us may recognize her story of betrayal.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jun/07/adultery-relationships-husband-wife
Liz
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- Maybe it has nothing to with being in he closet -- Liz (Beware of love frauds), 11:53:03 06/09/09 Tue
Maybe, it has nothing to do with being in the closet
Here is an interesting blog you all may want to read. Maybe the problems we encountered with our husbands/wives/partners have nothing to do with being gay and in the closet, but maybe many of us were hooked up with narcissist and sociopaths and as an aside are also gay and in the closet.
Take a look:
http://www.lovefraud.com/Articles_in_Lovefraud_Blog.html
Also a warning from the www.lovefraudcom blog about the
internet.
http://www.lovefraud.com/04_internetThreat/Internet_con_artists.html
Here is the main page for the www.lovefraud.com website, it may help explain a lot:
http://www.lovefraud.com/index.html
Bottom Line: Beware of the love fraud. For whatever reason we may always have to be careful of the people we allow in our lives for it looks like we could fall for another one.
Liz
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- Just my story -- Jessica, 08:20:49 06/08/09 Mon
Not even sure how to begin....
I was in a relationship that my friends envied, they often said they wanted what my husband and I shared...no one says that now. I thought I had what I wanted and was going to have a lifetime of love with someone I called my best friend. I was happy.
I met my husband almost 6 yrs ago at a job training session. We got along right away and a month later he asked me out on a date. After that date we were inseperable. I liked the fact that at the time he was working 2 jobs and was in the National Guard. He was funny, nice, we had shared friends, interests. He accepted my flirty outgoing nature, didn't seem jealous or insecure around my male friends, accepted that I had a son from my previous relationship...he seemed like the "total package" as my friends said.
We moved into together almost 6 mos after we started dating, I found out I was pregnant 4 mos later. Three mos after our daughter was born we got married. And tho life wasn't "perfect", it was as close as I could have ever hoped for. What wasn't good I thought would pass, ie the apt we lived in wasn't great, but we were saving for a house; money was tight, but I knew that when I started working again it would get better.
Then in Feb of 2007 we found out he was getting deployed to Kosovo for a yr. I chose to deal with it by looking at how we would benefit financially, and what is a yr out of our lives when we were going to have the rest of our lives. I kept my focus on him coming home in July of 2008, trying to be supportive of him while he was gone, working on how I could help him readjust to life when he got home, because I knew we were going to be changed people after deployment. He was home for 2 mos, and I thought some of the changes in his behaviors were just due to him trying to readjust.
But then one night in early Sept, I got an email from our online banking that our account was overdrawn. I checked and was shocked to see that the last guard check we had recieved on the first was not only gone, but we owed the bank almost $800! All charges from his card, all to bill pay sites. I immediatly confronted him, he said nothing, he did nothing....til I checked the previous 2 mos of activity and saw the charges to the same bill sites. I asked him if I needed to look further, he said no...lie #1.
Thru snooping on his computer I discovered that he had been looking at gay porn. Had been spending the money I thought I was saving for our house on pay sites, web cams, ect. And everytime confronted he continued to lie. By the time I got the subscriptions cancelled, and factoring in the amount our account had been over drawn, he had spent $10,000 in almost a yr.
In a 2 wk time period my marriage went from damn near perfect to over. NOT because he may or maynot be gay/bi, but because he couldn't be truthful to me. Because he tried to ignore the money issue....I'm sorry but no money in the bank, bills due, kids need to be fed, but no food in the house just can't be ignored. He hid in what had been our room, I moved to the living room the first night, until he had to go to work, not talking to me or the kids and to many of our friends. He claimed he wanted to save the marriage, said he wasn't gay, but when I found out one lie too many and asked him to leave for a few days, he ended up quitting his job and moving to a different town without saying a word to me.
Its been 9 mos and he hasn't tried to see our daughter, hasn't asked about her, hasn't tried to contact me since Jan...and that was to place all blame on me for the marriage being over. In his words: I wasn't supportive enough, I was too angry to talk to, and was having a pity party.
Because of his behavior, I was evicted from my home, have bills needing to be paid still, can't afford a divorce because I was a stay at home mom and with all that happened, ended up trying to get my kids thru this while living at my Mom's. Because of him I can't get help with housing because I was the one that appeared in court for the eviction, and took what money I had afterward to pay back the landlord, but housing sees that as I'm irresponsible with my financial obligations.
I have felt anger, betrayal, confusion, rarely sadness. I blame him for all of this. Had he been honest with me, I would've been his biggest supporter if he decided he'd be happier with men, I would've stood by him as he dealt with his family, our friendship would still be intact. It was his lies that ruined all of that, not him being gay.
I think back to the beginning of our relationship, trying to see clues I may have missed, wondering if every word out of his mouth was a lie. I feel so pissed when I think about the possibility he used me and my son to have a "normal" relationship to please his family/society...how dare he cheat us like that? How dare he say I have no right to be angry?
No one I know has been thru this, my friends are a great support, but they don't understand how alone I feel, that my sense of betrayal/anger just won't go away. That I am left with this confusion; I thought I knew who he was, but I don't. How will I ever be able to trust another person again? He has refused from the beginning to talk to me, so I am left with so many questions and its hard to just accept the fact that I won't get answers, answers I feel I have every right to deserve.
I don't miss him, but I do miss the life we had together, even tho I know it was based on a lie. I really miss how happy I felt, 9 mos of the anger I've been dealing with is taking a toll on me. I struggle every day to maintain who I was before this happened, but I'm failing. I hate being angry, but its always there under the surface and it takes very little now to make it surface. I hate knowing that he managed to shatter my ability to love or trust another man the way I did him. I hate knowing that until I can resolve within myself these issues, I will not be in another relationship, because I will not allow another man to be forced to deal with the fall out my husband has caused...that would be unfair to myself, my kids, and that other man.
That's my story, sorry its so long. If anyone reads it, thank you. If no one does, at least I was able to get some of this out of my head.
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- Can I help? -- Lenka (confused), 14:23:49 01/22/09 Thu
Is it ever ok to tell a wife that her husband may be gay? It seems wrong to meddle in someone's marriage. It's their serious and complex commitment, for them to work out together, so I say nothing. But when she asks me for insight and advice about his difficult behavior I feel guilty not saying what I see. I feel like I'm not being a true friend.
I am afraid that decades from now he will leave her devastated. That she will realize she missed out on being loved for her womanliness. I'm afraid she'll realize she endured years of his anger, rudeness and neglect for nothing.
I have known them for seven years. They have been together for 12 years but only got married two years ago (he resisted getting married). I usually socialize with them together, and I've long had the feeling he is gay.
It is getting increasingly stressful and upsetting for me to be around them. I feel I have no one to talk to about it, because I don't want to spread rumors, so I came to this website. I have recently decided not to think about it at all when I am with them, but then I'll see him check out another guy's butt or make a misogynistic comment and I become aware of it again. I know they love each other, but he is so unkind much of the time, and unsupportive. Anything feminine she does seems to disgust him.
Recently the wife has been confiding in me about her increased stress because of his behavior. She puts so much effort into trying to solve this, as though he is a puzzle. She seems to constantly stuff her feelings down inside when he is rude or ignores her. She tells me she is ready for things to get easier. She has started to admit she feels some resentment.
They are both conservative and from religious backgrounds so maybe homosexuality has not occurred to her. I don't know. It's certainly on his mind. He talks about gay sex sometimes and is always commenting on men's bodies.
The other day at a party he was attentive and flirtatious with several men (though I don't think he is having an affair). He brought the men drinks and smiled at them with a smile I've never seem him show his wife.
I realize that if he is gay, he is in a difficult situation too. But I stop feeling sorry for him when I see how mean he is to her, and how devoted and helpful she tries to be. I see her look at mutually affectionate couples enviously, like she wonders why she doesn't have that, and it makes me so sad.
Do you have any advice?
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- you have my support -- Sam (empathetic), 00:18:53 06/08/09 Mon
I'm a gay man and I really want to help, I am sorry if there have been any misunderstandings before.
I do not condone what A LOT of gay men do, many of them are porn/sex/drug addicts who do not behave in ethical or responsible ways-- but please don't brush 'The Gay Community' with one stroke, we are all different and have different ethics and morals.
I am on your side. I don't think a gay man should try to play it straight and deny who he is. You deserve to have a man that really wants you and is crazy about you! And I deserve the same thing, so I have been trying to get over my 'straight male' crushes and find some way to come out and try to interact with other males who want me too.
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- Questionare: Homophobia -- Kevin, 09:19:12 06/05/09 Fri
Were you homophobic before disclosure?
Were you homophobic during disclosure/breakup?
Were/are you homophobic afterwards/Now?
What (if anything) did you do about it?
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- Pls B Careful With Internet Communication -- Liz, 11:32:44 06/05/09 Fri
Pls B Careful With Internet Communication
Someone whom I thought was a good friend and met through the web I discovered is a stalker. To make a long story short , the woman is an opportunist and I discovered has stalked other people she’s met on the web by digging up information about them. I know this because she told me what she discovered about her friends by getting on the internet. I was so shocked that anyone would go to that extreme to dig up information. Stalker, yes. I should have dropped her like a hot potato then.
On one site she represented herself as three different people and on another site this woman befriended me as a new person to obtain information about my private life and my life with my former husband. The friend I came to know in person knew my ex was well to do and when later this other persona befriended me she said she was wealthy, blab, blab, blab and on her site she had downloaded this bizarre and offensive video tube type thing with a women in a scantily Santa Claus clad costume singing the praises of wealthy Jewish Hollywood producers and the song continued crudely how they were going to lure and dig their hands into their money. It was revolting and I deleted this woman as a friend.
My very first impression of her before we became friends is that of an angry, competitive and jealous person and then suddenly she becomes this overly solicitous friend (very sycophantic). My alarm should have gone off but I shrugged it aside.
In the last year she’s become increasing angry at women who received a good settlement from their former husbands and has this poor me, I‘m so poor and have worked so hard all my life. Also, things she was saying weren't adding up. I guess her ex was a real ass but now I think -- what is the real story.
She’s made several comments about wanting to meet my ex and asks lots of questions about him. Bizarre? Gees, the guy is a closeted gay man and hides behind women what more can I say. Suddenly she wants to defend this guy. The woman is an opportunist and I’ve allowed her into my life via the internet. I could tell you a lot more bizarre things about this woman but rehashing it will only make me sick to my stomach and I feel so ashamed at myself for allowing her into my life. A total stranger into my life. I should have known better.
If she only knew the extent of my former husband’s narcissistic behavior she would learn that he has no problem lying, has multiple relationships with women to keep his cover and the women don’t know anything about each other. This is what I discovered after I left him. The woman is an opportunist and a snake and my original opinion of her was correct but I let my guard down and allowed her to enter my life. On the other hand this woman also sounds like a malignant narcissist so maybe they would be perfect for each other -- lying and conning each other.. LOL.
So guys, please be careful how much information you give on the internet. You don’t know who you are communicating with and they can pretend to be anyone and they can be like my former friend, a user, opportunist and not a real friend. They are only out for themselves and IMHO have criminal minds. I almost didn't post this because I felt so embarrased about being such a fool.. but if I can prevent one other person from being conned I don't mind being embarrased. BE CAREFUL - PLEASE!
Liz
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- How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya, 00:06:18 03/05/09 Thu
I have a sneaking suspicion that my husband is creating a laundry list of how I've failed this marriage now that I've said it's over (he's still in denial over his homosexual orientation). He's already being quite vocal with people about the things people do that he DETESTS...that happen to be things I do. It's like he's setting up our friends/social arena to side with him. I just don’t know if I can handle his criticism of me as we head down the therapy/divorce road when he just can't/won’t consider the real issue.
So, for anyone who split before your gay spouse was "out of the closet"...how do you pull off the divorce without being bludgeoned by the blame?
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- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- difflurker, 01:25:34 03/05/09 Thu
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- amy (amy), 12:06:13 03/05/09 Thu
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya, 15:02:35 03/05/09 Thu
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- sophie, 15:41:00 03/07/09 Sat
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya, 10:06:55 03/11/09 Wed
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya (anxious), 19:30:50 03/18/09 Wed
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya (anxious), 14:38:14 03/24/09 Tue
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya (Amused by his predictability), 11:58:25 04/03/09 Fri
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya (Annoyed), 10:29:35 04/16/09 Thu
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Liz, 15:49:17 04/16/09 Thu
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya (To liz & jj...& therapy today), 20:56:37 04/16/09 Thu
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Arya (), 12:06:29 05/16/09 Sat
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- DianeS, 00:04:59 05/24/09 Sun
- Re: How to endure the criticism during divorce if he's not come out yet -- Sam, 12:33:23 05/24/09 Sun
- What did you do? questionare -- Anna (curious), 10:21:56 05/11/09 Mon
So, when you did find out/suspected to the point of not caring to find out that your spouse is gay/bi, what did you do?
*Did you stay?
How come?
How long have you stayed knowing?
How do you feel now?
Anything else?
*Did you leave?
How long did you take leaving?
was it difficult?
How do you feel now?
Anything else?
*I did none of the obove, This is what I did:
*Things I want to tell people in my situation are:
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- Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- Amy (?), 16:25:54 05/17/09 Sun
I've rekindled a brief high school romance at the age of 40. We started talking on FB in Jan. He was very open with me re: his orientation. I had experimented myself yrs ago & didn't care. In May, I visited for a 5 day party & booty call. I realized his bisexuality leaned towards men. But it was no big deal bc I knew he'd never hurt me (as a close friend) & he'd never want any kind of serious relationship from me. Well, a month later I was back for 12 days & we are in love. We had a lot of hard difficult talks. He is open about everything. He is brutally honest, even when the answer hurts to hear. But we have always been that way with each other. That's what he says makes our relationship so different. That and he says that I have introduced him to girl sex! One night after a very intimate intense long session, he said it was finally understanding sex and what it meant to be with a woman and someone you love. He swears its the best sex of his entire life and he's been with women and men (limited to oral, didn't care for anal). He says he's never been in love before this and wants me to pack my 2 kids up and move half way across the country to be with him. He hasn't proposed marriage, but has sworn to a committed relationship. He says his bisexuality means that he may occassionally masterbate & fantasize about men. But will always remain faithful to me.
His history: 40 yrs old, came out 9 yrs ago as gay, then figured out he still was attracted to women. Had 2 short term relationships with men (< 6mo) & 1 that lasted a yr. Prior to coming out he dated girls & was w his fiance for 4 yrs - she dumped him (not over this). Since coming out he's dated more women than men, but nothing over 3 or 4 months. He says it's because he couldn't be honest about his orientation & felt like he was living a lie. He has not been with a man in over 5 yrs even though he was single & had the option to be. He's had a crush on his best friend for the last 3 yrs, who is straight. When I asked if he wished his friend was bi, he said no bc that would ruin the fantasy? (I dont get that) All this came out just in talks before we saw each other the first time & during that visit. So I believe it to be very true as there was nothing to hide or soften the truth bc we were only friends.
Am I crazy to believe this can work for him or think it can last?
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- Re: Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- Linda, 17:04:40 05/17/09 Sun
- Re: Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- p, 22:12:38 05/17/09 Sun
- Re: Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- difflurker, 02:41:34 05/18/09 Mon
- Re: Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- Sam, 15:56:37 05/18/09 Mon
- Re: Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- David (patience), 20:44:22 05/18/09 Mon
- Re: Straight Female Dating Bi Male - He Wants A Commitment, Can It Last? -- Amy, 22:56:03 05/18/09 Mon
- I'm sorry -- Sam (apologetic), 04:34:03 05/12/09 Tue
It's Sam again. I'm sorry if anybody was offended from my posts. However I'm not a troll..
I'm just a 25-year-old gay man who is struggling with my own sexuality. I've done some stuff with girls and enjoyed it, but I also seem to have more of a romantic attraction to men. I am trying to figure myself out and I am just trying to understand the perspectives of all party members' involved.
I never was dishonest or lied about my attractions to anyone. I've done the stuff with girls BEFORE I realized that I was gay. But I just hate labels. And also gay bars and gay chat rooms seem to be like cess pools to me so I don't know where I can find a good romantic partner... I like for a relationship to develop organically out in public just like str8 relationships are.
Forgive me if I caused any bad feelings here, I am just trying to understand. I can't imagine what you guys are going through. =) *hugs*
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- Sooner than expected -- Lynn, 16:29:49 05/04/09 Mon
My closeted gay husband and I have been trying to keep things together for the sake of our 13 year old son and too I guess, for the sake of his self image. But yet another blowout yesterday that ended with him telling me he would be back in a few days to pick up his things. How dare I imply that he didn't meet my emotional needs. He was always willing to mount me. It was his inability to keep it up along with no real sense of intamacy between us that I had problems with. I have been lurking on this site for over 2 years and now I need advice. I don't know what to tell my son. We live in a small town in a very conservative state. My husband is not about to tell our son he is gay because he still tries to claim bi. If he was bi, there would be female porn too, which there isn't. I don't want my son to hear it through the rumor mills so I feel like my only option is to stay in the closet with him. But like others have said, I know he will tell everyone that our split is because of what a bitch I am. When I think about sitting down with my son for a discussion, I can't get past the potential damage it would do to him and his relationship with his father which is generally pretty good. Makes me want to just run away with my son and start a new life. The problem with that is that we have a home based business which would need to sell before I could afford to go anywhere. We are listed but this is not exactly a great time to sell and so far, we have had no offers. I feel frozen.
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