- 30 years and changed -- Dan (lost in feelings), 23:54:05 09/07/09 Mon
Hello, It has been four months now since my wife and her girl friend asked me to be ok with them being together. My wife had met her at a retreat and they started talking. The talking got deep and they decided that they should talk more. My wife called it intimacy work and said that it was for our benefit. We got together in high school 30 years ago and now have a child starting collage and one in high school. We both new 10 or fifteen years ago that something was not there like in out younger days. My wife tried hormone shots, and diets but just did not have a sexual attraction to me. She had several surgeries along the way and together we got through. About two months ago my wife had her appendix out and I found myself in a corner of the hospital room while her friend was rubbing her arm and face and generally taking my place. It was very uncomfortable as there was also other non family around at the time. Well every Tuesday they take turns going back in forth between the 200 miles they are apart. I started with a councilor about six weeks ago to deal with my own issues of a bad growing up but have also realized that I had always appeased her over the years. I would hold back my feelings and let her do what she wanted with the idea that if she was happy I would be happy also. I also got to where I would say to her that one day of love from her could last me six months and it was getting to that extreme. Now before I go on several years a go we tried some swapping in an effort to spice things up since we had only been with each other. It went well except for one incident and then things were just stopped cold. During those several outings I saw her very happy at the time and then afterward not want to talk about it at all. In my heart I new she had a tendency to like older women as close friends and have watched her become obsessive with a new girl friend for up to six months and then watch her back off and things would go back to normal. Looking back now I see this pattern over several girl friends and I would just wait it out, the children would also see this pattern and start saying ok she is talking to … again or doing email again.
Well last week my councilor said that I should get to a marriage councilor soon as I was now able to feel again and start to take back control of my life. She said no and did not feel it was necessary as we are talking openly between us. She then went to a weekend work shop where the other lady was an instructor. She has done this three times now and each time she comes back and is a little more open about her being a lesbian. This time was different as she now says that she still loves me and nothing has changed except that now my worst fears have come true as she acknowledges that she has no sexual feelings for me anymore. This I kind of already knew when last week we were together and she was just not there. Then when I said here friends name her body just became relaxed and she enjoyed herself.
We are now trying to see where to go next. She has asked me to try to find someone on the net to take care of my needs, but that just doesn’t seam like the best solution. From a lot of crying I see my options as divorce, or live a life where my wife doesn’t want to touch me in a sexual way. She says those are extreme options and just wants to let things settle. We are still great friends but I have two voices talking to me one says my heart is broken and the other is happy she is “happy being in her own skin now”. We have no close family and may casual bi friends so the idea has not been new to us. She has not told anyone else yet but rumors are starting to go around as she works in the martial arts area and is spending a lot of time with her friend. So where am I headed?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Floundering in my decision. -- Ava (Confused and depressed), 15:36:54 09/13/09 Sun
I found this board last week and was amazeded that there was a name for the relationship I am in. I am a single mom of 3 kids, was married to a liar and an alcoholic. Leaving him was hard and messy and he still makes life difficult for me and the kids. I met my current boyfriend soon after leaving my husband. My life was a mess at that time and a friend introduced me to him. We started dating and all was pretty good. His sex drive was incredibily low and that was an issue early on. A few months into the relationship he broke down crying one night saying that his low drive has ruined all of his relationships, including his marriage and he was sorry. I did my best to comfort him and tried to understand even though it was hard for me as I am a higher drive person. So we muddled along becomming closer and closer as friends, my kids got to know him and he is great with them. He has a grown son from a previous relationship. Finally I decided to trust him and not let my past interfere with my future relationships but I always had a nagging feeling something was amiss.
One night I ended up snooping about 7 mnths into the relationship and cracked his em. My bad for snooping I know. Well I thought I was going to find out he was seeing another woman and that was why he was not interested in sex with me. His inbox had pages of messages from craigslist men seeking men. As I read through someof them I realized he was bi. He was looking for random hookups to perform oral sex. His messages stated he was bi, but not out and unable to host as he had a gf and a son.
I freaked out a bit then called him and had him come over so we could talk. He cried the whole night as he explained it to me and told me I was the only person in his world that knew. He talked of the shame and guilt, and told me how much he loved me and that since he was with me he had not cheated physically it was only online and phone contact. He said he was not romantically attracted to men,and had never had "sex" with a man. I was devestated and confused and did not know what to do, so I took a leap of faith and we drew up parameters of no more craigslisting, and the online forums had to go and we decided we loved each other enough to stay together.
Fast foward a few months and I let him move in with me. Our little sex life seemed to drop off to non existant at that point. A few months later I did some more looking and found the same stuff online occurring. We almost broke up but he cried and cried and begged me not to leave him, promised he would stop. And again I stayed with him.
Things were good for a few months more and the same story happened again. He addmitted to me that he had cheated on me early on in the relationship he thinks "once" and that he is sorry that he keeps posting. That night when I approached him, he seemed ready with a canned response like he knew I would catch him. I was in a fragile spot emotionally as my dad had just passed away and I was left in charge with all the arrangements. Needless to say I was on a verbal attack with him that night, I am usually more of a talker that a shouter. He told me everything I had found was from earlier and that he had been doing a lot of soul searching and knew he loved me and had never been happier than being here with me and becomming part of my family and that he decided that it would all stop permently. I asked him why the hell he had not figured that out when he moved in with me? I cried over the fact that I let my children love him, and I did not know how to send him away and let another man dissappear from their lives. I was a wreck and could not fathom losing another person in my life right after my dad died. He promised me a million things and I wanted to believe it would be true so I stayed.
And the summer was good, we became even better friends, and even though the lack of sex here was hard for me, I decided that we had made it through so much and he was my best friend that I would stay. From the outside we look like the perfect couple. People are always asking us when we are getting married.
And of course as of last wk I found another post on Craigslist. He changed all his em accounts and has 2 secret ones so I check up on him just by reading CL. And I found the post. When I confronted him he lied to me for 2 hours before he admitted it.
I know realize that this will never change, and as I reread this I am embarrassed because I look and feel like an idiot for staying here. It looks bad and it sounds bad, but I have been holding on to the otherside of us, the good side. But now that is no longer enough for me.
I want out, I want to be single and just live my life with my kids. I am tired of feeling so depressed and so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be treated this way. Over and Over I have told him, I have no problem with him being Bi-sexual, I can accept that, but monogamy is monogamy and that being bi is not an excuse for lying and cheating. For some reason, telling him it is over is so hard for me. I feel like I am betraying him and not being able to accept him for who he is, but I can'nt stay here either. This is eating me up alive.
At this point we are at an impasse. I told him I realized that if I stay this will be my forever and that it is too damaging to me and that I will be leaving here if not now then in the near future, that I had to figure it all out in my head. He told me he did not know if his posting would stop, but that he promised me he had not cheated on me.
No one in my world understands why I am here at all and I do feel all alone in this. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far.
Ava
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- not sure what to do -- Barb, 19:57:25 09/12/09 Sat
Have read some of the messages and true stories and need some help understanding my situation.
A little background: I have been married 23 years but with my husband for 30.No kids by a mutual choice.We recently emigrated from UK to New Zealand after an 18 month journey of stress organising it,dealing with family & friends reactions etc.Were there for 5 weeks when my father in law died unexpectedly and we are back in the UK.My husband had been finding the move difficult due to homesickness etc and has been moody.It's not an atypical reaction for him when v stressed and we have learnt that talking has always helped & he has had previous counselling for confidence issues & lack of self esteem. Our sex life has also suffered due to the recent major move but nothing I thought we couldn't fix.
Then the shock: we sat down Mon to discuss NZ and that he didn't want to go back and then he told me that his feelings have changed towards me. I asked him if someone else was involved YES! came the reply.What shocked me was who- a female colleague he worked with who we had assumed was a lesbian as she'd been in a 7 year same sex relationship she'd recently finished.He told me that she has always known she was bi and had enjoyed relationships with men & women including a brief youthful marriage.
He told me he has been having strong physical and emotional reactions to her for a while which had made him feel wondeful as he had suspected for a long while that he was gay.After she had discussed with him about her orientation, he said it was like a lightbulb coming on, that he was probably bisexual and that the way he has felt since he was 14 was not abnormal,that it is possible to have sexual feelings for both sexes.
He also told me that most of his sexual experiences before we got together had mainly been with men and also quite kinky with bondage etc and that he believed he was gay until he'd had an intense attraction to me and enjoyed sex as our relationship progressed. He'd had 1 female partner before me,hated the sex and knew she'd been a smokescreen to make him appear "normal" and fit in the standard pattern.
To say I was shocked was an understatement! Not so much the sexual revelations,though I was so sad that he couldn't get the help when he was younger to deal with how he felt and that he'd buried it deep inside but that he'd thought that his strange dichotomy (his words)about how his sexual attraction seemed to swing back and forth was a cover for being gay and ashamed of it!! Definitely to do with his upbringing,his fear that he'd lose me as his best friend and wife and his recent lack of sexual interest in me and this attraction to another woman who he thought was gay!No wonder he's in such a terrible mental state now with the added stress of bereavement and our major life change!!I think the fact we had also stopped discussing our worries about our lack of sex and the change in our relationship hasn't helped.
The good thing is that we have done nothing but talk (and cry!) for 5 days about how we allowed the break down of us as a couple, how he's grappled with what he is most of his life (and he's pretty sure that he is bisexual and so am I) and that this hiding and burying of what he feels and needs sexually is not wrong or abnormal.
He was totally shocked when I told him I wasn't giving up on us, that I wanted to explore whether we could have any sort of marriage still because 30 years of pretty good sex & love weighed against 6 months of attraction to another woman who "understands him"(!) was worth fighting for.He has told me that he has not had a physical gay sexual encounter since just after we started dating(30 years ago) but has used gay porn sites to masturbate to(easier since the advent of the internet!) and also fantasy when we have had sex to sometimes help him perform.He thinks that some of the kinkier stuff we've done I may have done just to please him(none of which is true as I've told him now-if only I'd made it more obvious how I felt!!)and also that he liked the more extreme sex because it was his way of coping with his secret.I don't think he's disgusting, I can see why same-sex sex is massively exciting though I haven't experienced it myself.
I guess what this long post is about is where do we go from here? We have been to 1 Relate session(relatioship counselling in the UK) and think that may help eventually but both of us agree that he needs counselling to help understand his own sexuality and whether it can be part of our marriage and sex life. I must just point out that he doesn't want a series of affairs for gratification(gay,bi or whatever).He's not done that since he was a teenager and he wants it to be part of a loving realionship. I think we can have that together but because he's got me marked in a certain box (the straight,fairly sexually naive teenager I was) and this other woman(mature, been there,done that,not abnormal sexually confident either way),he's very attracted and convinced he can't love me that way. HELP!! am I being completely naive or is there hope?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Like they are completely innocent... -- Anon_13, 18:26:17 09/08/09 Tue
I haven't posted here before, and I don't feel comfortable posting my story or my problems just yet, but I can relate a little bit. I am the husband of a person who I found out about a year ago is questioning her sexuality. Married for nearly 6 years and have been together for 10. Lived together for most of the four years before we got married. Ours is a complex story and as of now, she has never cheated on me (I am positive of that) and says that she wishes more than anything to stay with me and keep our family together. Much of what I have to say is not regarding my wife necessarily, but has to do with the kinds of things I read at the support communities (Ask Joanne in particular) for these kinds of issues. If anyone has read the crap at Ask Joanne you know exactly what I am talking about. If you haven't, I wouldn't recommend going there because it will just piss you off.
They complain about their husbands wanting to save the marriage, and say things like, "He just doesn't get that I'm gay! I don't want a man I want a woman." They complain about how sick even the thought of having sex with their husband makes them. "I can't even kiss my husband anymore without wanting to throw up." Nearly everyone there has cheated on their husbands with another woman and they talk about how they want nothing more than to tell them that they want a divorce, but they can't be by themselves financially right now so they just keep on cheating and waiting for the time they can be independent before dropping the bomb on their husband. That site pisses me off to no end because each of them appear to have amnesia when it comes to the fact that its their OWN DAMN FAULT!
The husbands didn't ask for this. They aren't the ones who lied and cheated. They aren't the ones who stood up at that altar and lied about their feelings. It isn't as if they were abusive, or hurtful, or that they cheated. It isn't like they drove you into the arms of the woman you have been cheating with. They have every right to be allowed to see their children every day and be with them at every holiday. They deserve at the very LEAST that much because they didn't ask for any of this! You didn't have to marry them. You didn't have to date them. You didn't have to lead them into a life that they will curse for the rest of their days on this earth. But you DID, and now you bitch and moan about how the husbands act when they find out the depth of your betrayal. It isn't right to do this to people. It certainly isn't right to do this to them and then complain when they try to salvage what is left of their life after you have battered it and broken it.
They didn't ask for any of this. I know I didn't ask for any of this. I know that I certainly didn't see this coming. Right now I am as bitter and angry as I was a year ago and wonder if I will ever be over it, and I am nowhere near in as bad of shape as some of those guys are. Or am I? How can I truly know? I hope to god that I never have to face the kinds of things that I fear I may encounter in the future.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Complicated Grief -- GMW (secrets are like cancer), 20:35:12 09/09/09 Wed
I'm so relieved to have a literary outlet for the pain I'm experiencing regarding my legal contract with a gay man. Perhaps someone out there is suffering through what I call "complicated grief." According to the many grief books and resources, this is grief that simply won't go away. All through life we experience loss. My loss began in my childhood living in an alcoholic environment. Then in 1991, at the age of 49, my beloved husband died suddenly and unexpectedly.(no chance to have a good-bye) Now I'm experiencing the loss that accompanies the disclosure from a gay spouse. My faith formation is strong...I'm working the 12-step Al-Anon recovery program and many days I think I have it pretty all together. I meditate and journal every morning...writing my gratitude to my God. But truthfully speaking, I think I'm simply better at stuffing the pain on some days, then it re-surfaces on others. I've turned over my life and my will to the care of God of my understanding so many times...I practice detachment...I facilitate a grief group where I volunteer. I hold the group once a month. It seems that in preparation for group and after the group is over, is when I begin to feel the excruciating pain of loss and cry without stopping. I am currently seeking a legal name change in an effort to bring emotional and spiritual healing to this real and painful life situation. I hope the return to my previous married name may bring healing and truth to the person I lost, while keeping his secret for so many years. The closet is isolating and secrets are like cancer. They kill your soul and your spirit. In closing, I wish to thank anyone who may respond to my message....I have found there is comfort and hope in common threads of experience.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Two Years After Break Up and I'm Finally Out of Denial -- Natalia Miles, 00:51:18 09/07/09 Mon
Like so many women, I was in complete denial about my boyfriend's homosexuality. We were together for 11 months, and he didn't want to have sex with me, he was not affectionate, he preferred us to spend our time with others--not alone. He even had a female mannequin in a wedding dress in his spare bedroom; now this is just plain strange!
All the red flags were there that he was homosexual, but I ignored them.
Now that I have stopped living in denial and accepted the truth, I am finally, finally, FINALLY putting that ugly past to rest and feeling hopeful about my future. I know that my real soulmate is out there; every day brings me closer to him.
After the breakup, I was so depressed that I thought I would die. I have suffered for two years over that man, but now I am free of this self-imposed prison.
These words, from The Joy Luck Club, have resonated in me and helped me; perhaps they will help you, too: "Do not worry about losing him. You will be found and cherished."
Natalia
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Husband of 13 yrs w/ kids Got CAUGHT!!!! -- Anna (Devistated), 10:38:46 09/08/09 Tue
My husband has been "craiglisting" for sex with men for 2 yrs. I had NO IDEA he was into guys, he's kept this well hidden going by an alias. By the grace of God this email account pops up, I read every disgusting detail, saw every picture sent AND received, I swear it'll be burned into my retinas FOREVER!!
All solicitations (cause that's what it is) state he's "Bi". I cannot fathom this concept. Not the term in itself but with a man saying he's "bi" and continue to liasion. HELLO that screams closet case to me!!
Below is an synopsis of what he sent me, my questions is.. do they ALL react this way when smacked right in the face with the reality of loosing their family?
~start~
I WILL NEVER GO BACK! It's not a question, it's a fact. If I ever felt I was going to again, I would talk to you, and if that didn't work, I would remove the possiblity of me being with ANYONE ever again. PERIOD! I have had an epiphany this weekend that has changed my life forever. I'm talking about how my heart has changed. You really are the most beautiful woman in the world. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. My love for you and attraction to you has grown exponentially....in days! I look at you and want to die because I know I can never be as much as you deserve. ~end~
Did you notice the words "if" in there? I sure as hell did!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Husband of 34 years reveals he's Gay -- Diana (Lost & Destroyed in Texas), 14:40:27 09/01/09 Tue
I knew I had married the man of my dreams. We are now in the process of a divorce. He revealed to me eight weeks ago that he is gay after 34 years of marriage and he is 59 years old. There were never any signs. Total surprise to myself and our two grown boys. My life and world have been ripped/torn apart totally. He was my whole life. We had what I thought was a wonderful and great marriage. Little did I know.
He came home one evening simply to say I am thinking of leaving you and of course I fell apart and asking why what was wrong. He would not talk to me - but just said I am not happy. He said I am taking a drive and don't know if I will be back. The coward did not come home until the next day to simply pack a bag of clothes and said I am staying with a friend from work. Our oldest son drove down from out of town to try and talk with his dad. He had never done this before - just simply leave like this. He had never had a problem in the past of speaking his mind. He was gone for nine days, would not answer my phone calls, text msgs. for e-mails. Then on the tenth day stopped by to pick up some more clothes to go out of town to talk with our grown sons. He went to tell them the truth before he would talk to me. None of us had any idea what was wrong.
Then the July 18th he revealed to his sons he was gay. They were devastated. What I feel was wrong here is that he took his gay lover up to where our sons live. Put him in a hotel. Did not stay at their home to comfort them. He was too worried about his lover. WRONG ON HIS PART. He is the parent and should have stayed with them and not worried about his lover. Then expected our sons to meet this person within hours of being told their father is gay.
The boys needed time to absorb all this.
I still did not know the truth. The boys said mom you will have to talk to dad. This is between you two. Agreed. He came to tell me on that Sunday only after being called by our oldest son. Because he called to tell me he would not be by until Monday or Wednesday. How cruel to treat me like this - To not hear from him for 11 days. Then the call came that he would come by that evening to talk with me. Let me tell you that was the worst day/night of my life. To have your husband of 34 years sit across from you and tell you he will never be coming back home. I said no - we can get help for what ever the problem is. He said no I AM GAY! I froze in time or like twelve million volts of electricity just went thru my body. I looked at the face of the man I had so loved and cherished and say no way.
He then confesses this has been on going for awhile - years of one night stands, until he met someone and has been having an eight month affair with him. Let me tell you my husband (like our son said) deserves the Academy Award for the best Actor of the Century. No one on my side or his side of the family suspected anything. He moved out and has never returned. He simply left 34 years and a family behind and has moved so quickly it makes your head spin. this is where alot of my be able to move on comes into play. First not having a clue that your husband has been living a gay life. He states only a hand full during the marriage, but he has been caught telling different stories to me, our sons and his mother. Oh that is another good one the coward would not even go down and face his mother to tell her the truth - told her over the phone. I truly don't believe my husband is gay, I believe he is bi-sexual. This new person in his life truly has him so convienced and wrapped up it is unbelieveable. I once thought I could take him back if he wanted to, but realize that is not the life I would want.
All the years of lies and betrayals, as he stated on the night he came out - I truly deserve someone better than him. Starting my life over at 56 years of age will be difficult. With the help of the God and my family and friends I will get thru this! I just wished something in my head, my heart and body would make it happen sooner - this is without a doubt the worst thing to ever imagine could happen to someone
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- "What Zues And Hera Can Teach Us About Betrayal" ..... -- Liz, 18:52:57 09/04/09 Fri
I found this piece on the Huffington Post and I've posted two paragraphs from it. I found it very insightful about women and how we think and also that we can get beyond betrayal and develop our own back bone and identity.
I'm much more forthright today at what I want from life than I ever have been my entire life. Age and wisdom does have advantages. In my own life I've assigned way too much authority to the men in my life. I'm taking it all back now and it feels good.
Liz
From Huffington Post: Written by Agatha Stassinopoulos
"What Zues and Hera Can Teach Hillary, Silda, and Elizabeth About Betrayal"
Link:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/agapi-stassinopoulos/what-zeus-and-hera-can-te_b_277619.html
"The core issue is not that the man is unfaithful, lies, cheats and betrays the woman. The core issue is that the woman assigned her well being to the man. Such a relationship is doomed to be a dead-end. Somewhere in there she gave up her inner authority and it's going to backfire at some point. Our feminine psyche is always prompting us to wholeness so it will bring up false situations to wake us up. Ultimately it is all serving to return us to self."
"When something becomes so visible in our society it is a collective wound that is being exposed and needs to be healed, "The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves." When we women rise up in who we are and own our truth, when we express our needs and claim our voices; when we recognize that we can be both powerful and vulnerable when we stop diminishing ourselves, the men will rise to the occasion and match us. But if we remain unconscious of our feminine power, the men will have a field day and we both will suffer the consequences."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- My Husband is Gay! -- Melissa (Confused), 00:50:21 09/02/09 Wed
My story seems like so many others I have seen posted here. I just can not beleive how common this is. I have recently suspected that something was going on with my husband. We have grown apart these past couple of months, but mainly because I didn't want to be with him because I knew something was going on. He has been going to the gym 3-4 times a week for up to 3 hours at a time (which is where he met this person and was seeing him). He started shaving his legs, tanning and changing his clothing style. I recently went out of town with friends and while gone received an update on our phone service stating call forwarding had been added to our account. Which of course meant he had not been at home at night while I was gone. When I returned I started checking his cell phone for messages and phone logs. Interesting that everything was always erased after ever call or message, till one day I saw where he had talked to someone for 30 minutes. I looked up this contact in his phone and he had everything listed from his cell, home and work phone to email, birthday and a song attached "All I think about is you". My heart sank it was a male's name. I kept on checking his phone and finally a message came through that was heart wrenching. In this message the person stated that he loved him more than anything and he meant the world to him. I could not breath. I kept just living as nothing was wrong as I just could not belive what was going on. I had another trip planned and a friend encouraged me to hire a Private Investgator. Little did I know it was all true. The first night I was called to say that he was staying in a hotel with another guy and that they had been out to a local bar and spent the night at the hotel. The next day they went to the movies, where they made out in the car to then return to the hotel room for the night. He was suppose to meet me on this trip in the middle but I called and told him I didn't want him to come. He told me that I knew this was coming and he thought it would be best if he find somewhere else to live. I told him to wait till I got home and we would talk. The next day he had moved all of our accounts around, rented an apartment and bought new furniture. When I returned home he had moved out of our house. The worst thing in all of this is we have a 6 year old child. I am so hurt, confused and just torn to pieces. When we finally talked he did admit that he was having an affair and was floored that I knew it was a man. But he did admit it and wanted me to stay in the closet with him. He admitted this had been going on for a while and there was one other, which I am sure is a lie, cause if there were 1 or 2 there were more. He doesn't want his family to know so he told his mother he was having an affair. Of course his family thinks it is with another woman and have moved on. I don't know what to do, he has turned my life upside down, I can't stand the thought of him seeing my child. Why can't he not see this is wrong? How do I move on and pick up the pieces he has left behind? Is it wrong of me to not want him to see our child. I don't want my child brought up in this.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Very likely he IS gay - but what then ... ??? -- Verena, 13:55:59 09/04/09 Fri
Hello and thanx once again (after nearly 4 years) for listening. Maybe this message will not fit here, sorry, but then it may ... I'll give it a try.
There is the old story - my boyfriend of seven years suddenly ended the relationship. I stayed for more than 1 year to fix, to understand, to be absolutely in panic (like a rabbit before a snake, locked) - and I started to investigate. I found out many, many disturbing things. I found this forum. I realized a lot of "red flags". The puzzle began to form a picture - and it all made sense. I now quite believe he is gay and still not admitting it. Another woman has taken my place. Could you believe that I feel relieved? At least I don't have to worry about our little girl when she is with him and the new "family". Formerly I also had some clues to think that he was only interested in children. Gay is much better, see?
Of course I am still r e a l l y angry, he owes me. Whatever. He always had a choice, left me none but to obey to his wishes like a puppet on his string. He stole my choice. He owes me.
Now, this is over. But to stop thinking HE is to blame ... ? Only he? I always felt strange with him, I always had this feeling inside that something was wrong. He was very masculine and good looking, a workaholic and an excellent father. I felt so "save". He would take care. I abandoned my very good job, my lovely Munich (I am from Germany), my friends, my LIFE! ... to do what he wanted. Move to his little village, stay at home, repair the house he bought for so much money I was always afraid we couldn't pay it all back. This was MY doing. He very likely is gay, and yes, he lied to me right from the beginning. But I think that's not the point! Gay ist just one lie amongst many possible ones, the point is that he never really communicated, never showed real affection, it was HIS ways always, his silence, his path in life. Never mine. Gay or not - I followed. I was (and am) so small inside, like 4 years old and all abandoned. I never knew what was ok, what not, where to set boundaries and where I was overreacting. He very much resembled my conservative, dominant maybe narcissistic father. So I got trapped in my childhood problems - just that this one was gay. It could have been a straight man. I reacted to arrogance and fighting for love, for secrets, for lack of empathy. Gay was just a coincidence.
Logically then, other men I feel attracted to should be (not gay) but arrogant, dominant, no communication, no care for me. Are they?
Yes, they were. Seeing this from a distance of many years back, they were! But definitely not gay. Only then I was so near, I didn't see. I was fighting for love. And this fight was lost from the beginning. Because I fixed my romantic ideas on exactly the type of man that wasn't able to love.
Now, here is my question. I cannot see this when I am near it. My new boyfriend of 3 years, I think he too doesn't really care. Shouldn't one grow up, I'm now 45, and recognize if situations are similar? Why can't I decide this? Should I leave???? So many things now are similar. Though this one is not gay. He is not talking to me when there are problems, he does his thing not ours or mine, he's a workaholic, I feel kind of save with him. And many, many more "red flags". When do you know?
Thanx for listening anyway and thanx for this forum, it helped me in 2005 and I believe it helps a lot of others too. :-) Verena
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Young Relationship -- Dana (hurt and confused), 04:54:16 08/05/09 Wed
I'm having trouble finding anyone else out there who can even begin to understand my situation, so I turn to you guys! My boyfriend and I are still in college but have been dating for almost four years now since high school. This guy is my life and I'm fully confident that he's my soulmate. Being with him is indescribably amazing. I always knew that there was part of him that was transgendered and that never really bother me. I loved him for who he was. Everything included. He confessed to me early on about his feelings for crossing dress and I even helped him get some clothes on occasion. It never seemed like it was going to be much more than that. Recently it has just escalated and blown up in our faces. We broke up because somehow all of a sudden he needed to make it more serious and pursue hormone therapy and we're not together anymore.
Now I know this kid inside and out and there's part of me that can totally see where he is coming from and agree with all of this, but part of me that goes huh? He hasn't had these feelings his whole life. It seems more based around cross dressing than anything. He never didnt enjoy being with me and never felt any weirdness about sex (we've discussed this). I just dont know what to do! How do I get over some one I planned on marrying? Do I stay by and from time to time get with him or do i break it off completely? How can i encourage something that I'm afraid wont fix all his problems? I think the issue of overwhelmingly low self esteem stems from other childhood traumas. I just dont know what to do. Any help would be fantastic.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- I'm in silent Hell -- Deb (terrified), 20:19:33 07/23/09 Thu
Here goes. I have been married for 12yrs. I have 2 older daughters from a previous marrage and my husband and I have 5 and 10 year old daughters. When we met he swept me off of my feet. Soon after we were married he seemed to not want to have sex. He told me it was because I was pregnant and he had fears of hurting the baby. Of course I knew this was crazy and tried to be understanding. Time went on and my then teenage daughter told me "Daddy is doing something on the computer" I started to watch. He would turn it off if anyone walked in the room. I found some site on the computer and he blamed it on the kids. He became more secretive and one day I caught him putting a web cam down his pants. He admitted to talking to "women" on the computer and knew he was out of line. He promised to never do it again. I didn't even know we had a web cam! Many times I tried talking to him about the lack of sex in our marriage. He said his back hurt, or he was really stressed. I noticed he started drinking more and seemed very irritable and distant. I had a very demanding job but made quite a bit more than he did. About a year and a half ago I was having sinus surgery when they found I had an inoperable brain tumor. Don't freak, I can live a long life or it could rupture today. The Dr. said to watch stress and live life. I ended up quiting my job to slow down and look for a less demanding one. My husband was nt pleased about loosing my paycheck, but was supportive. He owns his own business and asked me to come in and take over the office and customer end. I did and have been working with him for about a year and a half. I also handle all the home finances. He takes no responsibility for any kind of finances or paperwork issues so if I leave the business now it will go under. We are under a lot of financial pressure. About a month ago I found gay mans site on the tab of the office computer. I confronted him. He told me he was just goofing around and was embarrased that I found it. I waited and checked the home computer, although the history had been deleated a thumnail was left. Gay site, yahoomail, craigslist etc. I noticed he was hiding his wallet, keys and never brought his cell phone into the house. I bought a stealth program and loaded it on both computers. I was able to break into his mail box and access the web site with his user name. I found his ads on craigslist and set a fake e-mail to see if he would answer. Yep, needless to say I got some graffic details. I feel like my chest is going to explode. I have to pretend every night that everything is ok. I want to scream, cry, but I can't. I am trapped! I went to a lawyer and she wants me to have an intervention with counselors that have delt with this but I can't stand the pain. I have to lie to everyone I know. I have to protect my kids. He is a great guy. Everyone loves him. He is a great dad. If I was out of the picture the kids would never know. I can't live this way. I can't pretend another night. What do I do................
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- I just learned that my husband is bisexual a few weeks ago -- Melissa (Confused), 14:08:35 08/30/09 Sun
I am so glad I found this site!
My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. Before we got married he told me about being bisexual, kind of, we did not go into detail about it though. I never thought that he would ever act on his feelings, but he has and now i am dealing with that. I love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. I am becoming more understanding of it all and we talk about it almost everyday, if fact or communication with each other is better than it has ever been! He has told me that he is not interested in having "sex" with another man, he is only into oral sex. I do belive him when he tells me this. I really need advise from other wives who have delt with situation and you accepted it and how your marriage is now. I am becoming more open about him having a relationship with another guy and need advice on that to. Thank you and all responses are greatly appreciated.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Confused in California... -- BreeAnne, 14:14:54 08/29/09 Sat
Hello,
I have read with interest your posts and I think I can relate. I am not married but I have recently discovered my boyfriend is bisexual at the very least. The entire relationship "something" felt off but I ignored it.
He has told me he thinks he has a sexual addiction and talks about being with me and other girls and couples. He says he considers us a relationship but that he desires sex with others. But I'm not worried about the girls, I see the way he looks at the men. His eyes show a desire he doesn't show with me. I am not the only one who gets this vibe. We have an active and passionate sex life, and I made it clear from the start what my expectations for the relationship are, he thinks he can live with them.
He has not come out to me and we have not discussed this yet. He denies ever being with a man, though he admits to swinging and group sex. How should I raise the issue diplomatically without offending him?
The thing is, I am going through many emotions.I feel relieved and I want to support him. Like, "thank god, it's not me!" I cannot accept anything other than an exclusive relationship if we are intimate but I want him to know its ok to talk about this. I want him to be himself and not be afraid of who he really is. I feel guilty because I love him and I want him to be straight. But I also want him to be honest and to find true happiness. I want to keep him in my life but I am afraid he cannot give me the kind of love I need from a man.
Thank you for letting me share.
Bree
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Bi or Gay and Does it Really Matter -- Natalia (numb), 21:38:49 08/27/09 Thu
Hi.
I need help sorting through a situation with my husband. I would like to start by saying I am bisexual myself. I can have sexual relationships with women but only feel emotionally attached to men.
I noticed strange behavior in my husband and checked his phone. I found a secret hotmail account and learned he had logged into sites for having affairs. I thought he was seeing other women but discovered there were e-mails from mostly men. The affair ads advertised for strictly women. The only way I found out is one of them talked about having Klinefelter's which is a disease that only affects men.
I confronted him and he denied any sexual activity. Only later when I told him I read his mails did he admit to two oral only (so he says) encounters with men and one (he's lying about this too) affair with a woman. All one nighters and alcohol was a factor in them.
He travels extensively for business and there are opportunities for him aplenty. He claims he was curious about men and found it just wasn't his thing. He claims the men wanted full on sex but he did nothing more than oral. He claims he knows now he is not into men so why did he do it more than once? I have also found out he talks to one of the men he was with on the phone- WHY?
He is away again tonight and called me drunk. I can tell he's in a bar from the background noises. I am mortified he will have sex with a man again unprotected and not be honest with me.
We have a very active sex life. I have suggested swinging to deal with any same sex attraction issues and to end the secrecy of sex behind each other's backs. I don't have a problem with this type of sexual relationship where all cards are on the table even if he is bi. I can understand this. I know I cannot be in a relationship with a gay man. It will never work and emotionally I will not be able to cope. Thoughts Opinions 2 x 4s if necessary.
N
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- totally lost -- LJ, 03:13:52 08/29/09 Sat
A couple of years ago I found out my husband had an affair, he finally admited to me. after awhile i forgave him and we have children and I wanted my marriage to work as time paased I forgave and after a year i began to feel better about things. then one day he came to me and told me with tears in his eyes he had to talk to me. He told me he had been unfaithful and that he was bisexual. he beeged me to forgive him and he wanted to chnge he loved me and anted our marriage to work. as yo can imagine i was crushed. actually i was so pissed off and just numb. i couldnt speak but i'm not stupid I figured there was a reason he told me,,, he thought he might have aids i was sick i just cried. i told him to get tested and then i would deal with him.. I was raised to stay in a marriage and work it out.. I being ( stupid I guess) refuse to break up I told him that i wasnt giving all we had I have 2 children at home one who is 10 so until he is 18 i was staying. ONE THING!
my husband is not abusive nor is he mean in anyway. he functions normal in the home life so the kids know nothing I have never let the kids know our problems and we have stuck together on issues raising our kids. my husband has always provided for me and treated me kindly. I now find he has gay porn on the computer so I know it is still going on even though for a long time nothing has. which I believe it cause he's been home when I am most of the time.
I have confronted him but he says he's not gay that he was just looking I told him he was and he needed to admit it . I can live with him because I love him always have ,but I do not agree with this life style. he is a good dad and provider, I would be lieing if I said I wasnt lonely I am . I just dont know where to turn i know it wont change but i want to get my last child raised with a family that is together is that wrong? does that make me a stupid person for wanting to stay til then. maybe so , please just le me here what you think.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Is My Fiance Bi - I need Help please -- Hydie (rubbish), 13:15:55 07/16/09 Thu
what a mess, where do I start.... sorry this is very long but I would appreciate your views!!!
Me and my fiance are both 25 so he is only young, please keep this in perspective when reading the post and please any advice would be great!!!!, Just over a year ago I found a phone hidden in my boyfriends work bag, I switched it on and found texts from meetings he was arranging with men and also the phone book was full of mens names.
I confronted him about it and he said he had been confused about a fetish he had for being tickled and had arranged to meet with other men so he could get there perspectives on it as he had kept this fetish hidden because he thought it was a girly thing to like and said he didn't think a woman would understand and it makes him feel feminine/gay so could never of spoke to a woman about it.
after a little investigation I found video's of him participating in the tickling sessions (he was fully clothed and it was only on his feet) they were on a forum that caters for the fetish... he denied it was him. I found two profiles. on one of them the profiles I found -it said he was bisexual and into milking, role play, cum control etc the other said he was straight but would meet with men to get tickling but not for anything sexual.
After a couple more months had past I managed to retrieve images he had deleted on his computer that linked him to both profiles... I confronted him and he admitted it was him, he said he had met with men because woman do not meet men off the internet for tickling and he didn't want to pay one as it was illegal and they charge a lot!
he also said it made him feel less stupid as it felt like a mate was doing it who was into the same thing as him so made him feel less like a freak and if a woman had been tickling him he would of felt less mascUlin.
I was his first Girlfriend he had two 1 night stands but apparantly these were both disasters and he is very timid when it comes to woman and his sexual experience before me where apparantly nil really! he'd only tried intercourse with these two other woman! but said he failed dismally!
Here's the bombshell, he also told me during the tickling sessions he had, had a wank of a couple of the men, (He volunteered this info, at this point I thought he had just had fully clothed tickling) he said it was very limited contact and was just to finish it. .. but then why did his 'bi' profile say he was into cum control and milking two very intimate acts??
he said he used the two profiles to suss out if people on the net were trustworthy he said he's meet as the bi profile to protect himself from weirdo's that may have tried to do more to him whilst he was tied up... he said if he made out he was more experienced they were last likely to harm him... which makes sense sort of, but I just don't know what to beleive.
Is he gay?
I've not found him on any gay sites and everything has centred around this tickling fetish.
but how could a straight man let another man do that to him, he also said he had not done anything sexual with anyone since he met me, but he has met other men to tickle with twice including a group meeting! I do beleive him as we never leave each others sides, he does'nt stay out late with his friends he says he prefers to only go out if I'm there. If I go out with my friends he will only then go out with his friends and I have to force him too but he always wants to pick me up at the end of the night and never wants to spend a night away from me.
He said before he met me he was happy continuing with the tickling and had never had any desire for real sex or a relationship as he never thought he'd be able to tell a woman what he was into!!!, he said I changed everything for him, he said he had met men on another 2 occasions for the tickling as he wanted to see what it meant to him still, he said his fascination started to dwindle and that he was focused on us now more than ever, I have seen what tickling does to him and it does turn him on -as I did it too him and I saw him passionate and vocal with sex for the first time.
He said he could never of told me before I found out about what he was into because he was scared of what my reaction would be, to be honest, I have always been pretty straight and not that experimental and my brother had come out gay in the few months before I had met my fiance and I may have come out with some views I do not have now! It made me want to be sick, I'm a lot older now and I was probably just worried about what ppl thought of my family! I'm a lot less judgemental now!
we have a healthy sex life and have sex 2 or 3 times a week... he always instigates it now... before I knew about the tickling we only had it 1 a week like clockwork - saturday morning glory!!! which makes me think that is the only time he could get an errection for me.
but now I know everything about the fetish- he's always asking me for sex - is this a cover up!??
I know he hasn't looked at tickle porn or sites for the past year as I'm always at home when he is... I feel like I've imprisoned myself and him though as I don't trust him to be alone.
I have confided in a friend who know's us both and she thinks I should beleive him that he is not gay! she said she thinks he is telling the truth. and that he was young and confused.... he had quite a traumatic child hood and we've discussed things and think his fascination with tickling and why he finds it acceptable to meet with men is because when he was younger it made him forget the troubles in his life and that was taken on into adult life..... all the occasions where he has sought out tickle seesions have been around stressful times for him..
he is very quiet and didn't used to talk about problems or worries with anyone!
we are engaged and I'm worried about marrying him incase he is denial, or I'm in denial too! O
On paper, aside from this fetish he is my Mr Right!
he has a good job, he's wealthy, very attractive, he's caring, attentive, put's me first (most of the time), he's my best friend and he makes me laugh. I want to Be desired BY my husband though and I don't want to feel unattrative as that will do nothing for my confidence or our relationship and I'm finding it difficult to put his past to the back of my mind!!will I ever!!!!
but he can give me the life I prob wouldn't have on my own or with anyone else for the matter! is that an excuse to stay with him!! am I awful for thinking like that??? but If I have doubts will they go away???
He's straight acting, loves sports, cars and beer! has loads of male and female friends.... one of His friends came out gay last year so he knows he'd be accepted by his friends and his family are really cool - and they wouldn't care either so if he is gay - I don't understand why he'd need to hide it!!!!
it all just makes no sense!!!
I love him soooo much it hurts, i make excuses to stay with him even if I don't feel attractive to him! but I think not feeling attractive to him is going to damage me mentally! I need to know is he gay or bi??? but he insists he's straight!!he's say's if he was gay why would he stay with me, in this day and age?? especially as I said I won't tell anyone the reason why we'd split up!! I still find him very attractive but sometimes I resent him coz I think I'm too young to worry about this! and him!!
I could probably find another relationship though I doubt I'd ever meet anyone who I got on as well with!!!, but I know he will just suffer for the rest of his life. he will be alone and will probably carry on living a double life with the tickling, he said he would never meet anyone as himself it was always an alter ego!!! he would never of wanted the two worlds to cross over!!!
HELP me please - any words of advice!!!!!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Very confused and need advise -- Kim, 12:52:30 08/01/09 Sat
Hi everyone. I am so confused right now and would really appreciate any advise from others that have been through a similiar situation as I am currently in. My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and have been together for over twenty years now. We have two wonderful children, ages 14 and 8. We have a very close, loving relationship and have supported each other through several personal tragedies that I could not have endured without him. I am posting this backgroud info to let you know how much he means to me. I truly love him with all my heart.
By accident, I discovered that he had subscribed to a bisexual porn site. I then "snooped" and found that two years ago, he had responded to a couple of craigslist ads for basically anonymous gay sex acts. I am in no way computer literate, so it's surprising that I found anything.
We discussed this at length and I have to credit him for this as it was very uncomfortable and embarrassing for him. My husband admitted that he has fantasies about erotic sex, mainly threesomes of both combinations, but that I am always central in the fantasies. He is unsure if he would want to engage in this in real life, but said he never would do anything like this without me. He has openly talked to me about these fantasies before and we even encorporated them into our love-making, at times. He really had no answer to responding to those ads except to say we were going through a tough time, he has no idea why he did but that he never was contacted by anyone and that he has never met anyone/done anything unfaithful during our entire relationship.
My husband has never done anything to make me think he is attracted to men. Quite the opposite. He notices beautiful women and tries not to stare. He has a strong sex drive and wants to have sex with me, very frequently. He is loving and romantic.
I just don't know what to think. I want to believe him, but am worried that he really may have some bisexual tendencies that he is trying to deny. In the past, he has lied to me before and although I believe he is being honest now, I am just not sure. I am not really even sure what adise I am trying to seek here, but any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Over, but not really -- Sarah (sad & hurt), 14:43:04 08/20/09 Thu
Hello Everyone:
I am writing today in the hopes that some of you who have been through this situation can offer some hope and encouragement. As a former (as of 10 days ago) str8 spouse I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with the pain of betrayl I'm feeling.
A little background, we met in college. We became great friends and eventually roommates. It became evident that we were more than roommates, even though he continually denied it. Through conversations I was told his strict religious upbringing made many aspects of our relationship difficult, hence reluctance in intimacy and being comfortable living together as more than friends. I finally asked him to make a choice as it was obvious we were more than friends, one that I was fully prepared for either way, he needed to either move the relationship forward or we needed to go our separate ways. This wasn't a threat, only being honest that if he wasn't wanting the same thing I did we both needed to be free to seek what we did want. He chose marriage. We were married about a year later, I thought a long engagement was a good idea for reasons of finances but also so he could get more used to the idea of being married since he seemed nervous. After the wedding things just got worse and worse. He worked all the time and made all sorts of exuses as to why he couldn't spend time with me, why he didn't/couldn't take responsibility for things, why our intimate life was dwindling from not much to non-existant. Most of the excuses ended in all of them being my fault, I was irrational, I was demanding too much, I treated him as nothing but a paycheck. I really didn't understand that at all because that intent was never in my mind. I was worried, and scared that after only 6 months of marriage things were getting worse and worse. Eventually I was lead to believe that it was my fault because I was having another bout of depression. I got on meds that day, I wanted to to ANYTHING to fix whatever it was I was doing wrong. I hated being married and yet being completely and utterly alone. Finally, just a little over a year after we were married (and after buying a house) he told me he'd been doing a lot of thinking about his life and how he was now ready to deal with all of his religious issues, which I was very proud of. But the next hitch was that he was ready to face his sexual orientation issues as well.
I didn't, and I still don't, hate him because of that revealing. I can only imagine what life is like for those hiding that part of who they are, and I certainly don't wish it on anyone. We had many friends in college who came out to their families and friends and we loved and supported each one. The problem I'm now having is the fact that I don't think he even cares about the pain, humiliation, sadness, loss, fear, and betrayal he has caused. He claims to have loved me, he claims he wants to be my friend even after everything, and yet he doesn't act that way at all. He acts as though he wants whatever he can get out of me and is determinded to undermine my happiness. I certainly have blame to take in our situation, and I have taken it many times over. But it feels like he just uses my mistakes as fodder to make himself the victim when in reality I didn't stand in front of God and everyone we know, look into his eyes and flat out lie about the biggest promise one person can make to the another. All I want is a sincere apology and to act on that in treating me with some respect, as I have certainly given him (went to PFLAG with him, helped and encouraged him with coming out to family & friends, took him to PRIDE...). The catch to the story is that we still live in the same house together as now is not the time to be selling so we're pretty much stuck. I have been in counseling since April and am continuing to go, at least for a while longer. He dropped out, citing that he didn't really feel that counselor was helping him. He's not seen another one. I feel so alone in this situation. He's found support groups and now men online to explore his new self with, which I am happy for. But who supports us? Who supports the women (and men too) left in the wake of their lie? I feel that when he came out of the closet I had to go into it. How do you explain this to people? How do you honor the spouses wishes of coming out in their own time with balancing wanting to exlpain the reason you got divorced after only a year and a half? How do you answer the "how did you not know he was gay" question? While he has been released of his secret the burden, I feel, has been left to me.
I want this anger out of me. I want to be free of this pain. I want to really, honestly forgive and move on but I just can't seem to shake it.
What have you done to move forward and be happy again?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- 18 yrs of marrige over... -- Laura (Angry, but dealing), 22:20:00 08/09/09 Sun
Hello,
To all of the women who are going through this, i'm sorry. I hope everyone finds the peace they need to get thru this gut wrenching time in there lives.
My story...
I have been with my husband for 18yrs. 16 married and 2 dateing. I have 4 wonderful kids, and without them right now i think i would be not dealing as well as i am.
I don't know when I knew my husband was gay. I think I knew later on in our marrige, but didn't want to believe it, didn't want to believe our life that we built was all this smoke screen of lies. One after another, to hide his "Dark Side" (i call it that cause if you knew my husband you wouldn't even know he was gay/bisexaul) Its funny all of those hints that i saw almost like ..."hello can't u see what is going on" i brushed under the rug. I didn't want it to be true!! i didn't want to be the woman who's husband kept it from her for 18yrs.
What gets me is most of his family knew. I think one even mentioned something to me about it a long time ago. I asked her about it enlight of what i'm doing about it now and she said, he's always been like that, you just didn't want to see it. The first 8 yrs we were together, were tough but i swore i was not going to let my father be right. My father hated him!!
In the last 9 yrs my husband showed all the signs well other than actually saying it. He has never said he was gay. So that is why i feel so betrayed. Just tell me and get it over with.
My husband went to gay clubs. His bosses were gay, and he would hang out every weekend with them. Go to clubs and etc. He told me he liked the music. I let him, so part of me was the stupid one. His bosses were wealthy, so they took him on trips to Africia, Paris, Mexico. You name it he went. Again he told me that it was free, so i let him go. I think of all the times and i'm like why didn't i do something. Truth is i was ashamed, that i saw it all and did NOTHING! His bosses ended up on all the family family trips and such. I ended up feeling like the third wheel. He stopped hanging out with his bosses and started to have lots of guy friends. I didn't know them, and if i asked him about them he would say why do you want to know? Just friends. I tried to pry and say oh ur friend, how long has he been married? I got he's not. I kept telling him why we don't have couples we go out with. My kids were getting older to where we could go out and have one babysit the others. But it never happened. So i would get left home....wondering.
For the past I dunno year he has a guy friend. His "friend" would always come over and he would always go to his house. My husband would always take the kids to the movies or do something dad like, yet his friend would always go? I dunno to kept up the family man fasad?? My 16yr old even made the comment to me one day that he thought his dad was gay and was involved with kenny? I said no, i'm sure it seems that way but probley isnn't. Things if they weren't already worse started to go down hill. I didn't want to have sex with him, i didn't want to be near him. He grew closer to his friend. I would call him and he wouldn't p/u his cell. then he would call me back and say his phone wasn't working. The straw that broke the camels back was one day i went to log into my email and his email accidently came up. I shouldn't have looked but hey we have nothing to hide right? I saw emails to guys and him making arrangements to meet them. I also saw a few pictures i care not to describe. As i sat there i was in shock. All these feelings came rushing to me. What do I do, what do i say. this can't be happening. However on that same note i was relieved. Relieved that what i have felt for over 18yrs was not my imagination. He came home from work and i questioned him about it. He said they were just people he was talking to. Ummmm WHAT??? he didn't even mention that they were Male's that he was talking to?? I gave him a way out, to tell me right there. He didn't and i knew that our marrige was over.
I have since, seperated from my hubby found a new place and my kids and i move in on SAT. We told the kids about the seperation they were devestated but are being troopers. I am happy, I can get thru this. I feel empowered by being independent. I am a bit bitter that I gave up 18yrs of my life for his lie, but i wouldn't have my kids if i didn't have those 18yrs. I feel like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and i don't have to pretend anymore. Sorry so long, and thanks for listening!
Ps. He has also gotten a new place and his "friend" is moving in with him. I sooo saw that comming...
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- I'm just so DAMN frustrated! -- Jessica, 08:08:50 08/06/09 Thu
I received an email from my husband tonight. His mother had been trying to get us to communicate for the sake of our daughter. I told her to make it clear to him, that unless he was willing to be open and honest about everything, to not bother, it wouldn't be worth my time. This is what he sent:
"Just thought that i would write an email to see how everyone is doing. i hope everything is good and i hope cassie is behaving herself. i have done a lot of thinking over the past few months and i don't know where to start. i have literally beat myself up for not doing this sooner but i have put all this behind me and have just started living my life and am willing to try and do what i can to see cassie and to be a part of her life again. i am sorry for not doing this until now but i needed some time to get stuff sorted out on my end. anyway, i just wanted to see how you and cassie were getting along. i am sure cj is still mad at me, that is ok. i can understand that. i have messed up in the past and i am trying to put that behind me. i want to just move on. if you are willing to do the same thing that would be awesome. if not i am sure we can work something out."
It took him 11 months to contact me about our daughter. Must be nice to have all that time to figure out one's life, to be able to put everything behind him. How hard it must've been for him to admit he messed up in the past. Is that what he's calling spending all our savings on gay porn, lying about everything under the sun, treating the kids and I like we didn't exist or matter, walking out on us with no money, no idea where he went. Getting me and the kids evicted cuz I couldn't pay rent. I can't get housing because I have this eviction on my name, because I showed in court. He didn't bother. I paid the rent as soon as I could, he didn't. But with the eviction I am viewed "to be unable to take care of my responsibilities" and a bad tenent. Guess who just got a new apt in the town he recently moved to? I'm living with my Mom, paying a monthly storage fee for my things and the kids stuff, cuz we can't have it at her house. I wanna scream at him, "Yeah JACKASS I bet it was easy to put it all in the past when you didn't have to face the present. You didn't have to clean up the mess of bills you left, you didn't have to pack and move 3 ppl's belongings while taking care of 2 kids, you haven't had to actually deal with the kids' reactions to you not being around, to being moved, to not having their rooms/toys/daily routine any longer. You didn't have to worry about how your gonna afford at minimum a 2 bedroom apt, child care, and find a job that left time to actually spend time with the kids, in a town where there aren't alot of jobs."
He "understands" if my son is still angry with him? Well then JACKASS you should've written back to him when he reached out to you, but no instead he accused me of using my son to try to hurt him(the JACKASS). My son has so much pent up anger, he refuses to talk about it. Instead it manifested as him no longer caring about school. Found out today that he is definitly repeating a grade. Not because he didn't understand the material, not because he was a behavior problem, because he quit doing his schoolwork and handing it in. Despite my warnings and the teachers' warnings that if he didn't do his work he would be repeating a yr, he didn't believe us. He does now, and I can only hope that he doesn't just give up on day one, cuz I don't know what else I can do to help him. But his step-dad was too busy putting his past behind him to give a rat's ass about this kid he spent almost 5 yrs being a parent to. Too selfish to acknowledge that other ppl were being affected by his behavior.
This man tried to use being abused as an excuse for his actions, which I believed, I didn't give him a pass for putting us in debt, but I believed him. So much so, that our daughter hasn't seen his parents unsupervised in the last yr. After finally having a brutally honest, on my part, talk with his Mom, I'm starting to doubt the abuse. Of course she denied abusing him, but she told me alot of things he had said about me that simply weren't true, she told me things that had nothing to do with the relationship, that weren't true. Between the two of us alot of lies were uncovered. So now I have to deal with him using my past as an abuse victim as an attempt to excuse his unexcusable behavior. How dare he do that to me? I don't even use that as an excuse for when I mess up my life. At most it has only been brought up to explain why I have trust issues and why I react to hands being near my throat. But I never said, "Oh I was abused, so I can do whatever I want, without consequence".
I have been lied to, lied about, my son and I were used to serve his selfish secret purposes, all of us ignored and forgotten til it was convienent for him to deal with us. Well how nice for him, but it was convienent for me 11 mos ago and he didn't give me the same consideration. I wanted to talk, to work things out; he ran away, moved to a different town, hid from me. And because I know I have to make at least some type of attempt for the sake of our daughter, instead of telling him "too little too late" I'll see what happens, IF he responds to my follow up emails.
I just want to scream. I wish I could run away to a new place, at this point as far away from him as I can get w/o leaving the states; but I have my kids to consider, they have family here that love them and want to be part of their lives, and as always I will do what is best for everyone else first and foremost. But I am tired of being angry, I am tired of feeling like I'm trapped in this life that I didn't ask for, tired of feeling like I have no options, that I have nothing (other than my kids) to really look forward to or be happy about.
Again if anyone reads this, thank you for taking the time. If not at least I was able to get some of this out of my head.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Tell your story -- Natasha Holt, 12:20:44 08/10/09 Mon
Hi
I am still looking for a British woman to tell her story in a magazine, so if any of you would be interested please contact me on natasha_holt@yahoo.co.uk Your story will be dealt with in a sensitive manner and there is a payment for anyone taking part.
Thanks
Natasha
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Want to share your story? -- Natasha Holt, 05:53:41 07/31/09 Fri
Hi
I am working on an article for Now magazine in the UK and need to speak to a British woman whose husband came out to her as gay. I am looking for a woman in her 30s, so if anyone would like to tell their story please do get in touch. The matter would be dealt with sensitively and I am happy to read back anything I write before publication to ensure you are happy with it. You will have to be photographed but there is a payment for anyone taking part.
Thanks Natasha Holt
natasha_holt@yahoo.co.uk
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
