- Sex/porn addict -- Confused (Confused), 00:38:21 06/03/13 Mon
Could this be plausable for a husband caught engaging in online activities that are gay? He was caught having adult conversations with men online. He denies being gay and reminded me that he was also checking out women and straight porn online. Another deception or could he be a sex/porn addict or maybe bisexual? He says he is a porn addict. We do not have sex. He isn't interested and has a ton of excuses ranging from medical issues to psychological ones. I thought he was gay but could I be wrong?
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- My Husband and Porn sites he watches -- Sondra (Still somewhat confused), 14:19:02 06/06/13 Thu
I said I would write my story one day so I guess Its time for me to do that. I was married to straight guy and had two great men. Now grandchildren. Havent been married since 1994. We were married for 12 years. He was an alcoholic and cheated - all that is past. Fast forward to 3.5 years ago when I reconnected with the first boy that ever asked me to dance at my first dance in 8th grade. First Boy to kiss me. It was a fluke that we saw each other answer a Face book mssg fromm a mutual friend and we started communication. Fast forward, the calls were long, the trips across the united states exciting. He proposed. I ( being in love) moved away from my family, parents, son, grandkids, all in the name that FINALLY someone loved me and wanted to spend his life me. It was a Dream come true. So I thought. After moving me across the united states and leaving all behind including a great career to a dismal town in the mountains where I knew NO ONE, things changed as soon as I hit dirt. It seemed I was there to cook for him, clean for him, take care of his boys. He wouldnt come home after 5 when his work crew left for their homes. He would stay at his shop and wouldnt come home for dinner til 7:30 or 8. I noticed that the " I hope you like sex everyday like do" was not happening AT ALL. it was more like twice a month and then there was no passion, didnt look at me, no foreplay, it was not like the times we got together once a month before we married. Marriage seemed to change EVERYTHING. I had his testosterone checked. it was low..So I thought.. THATS IT.. Its not ME, its that.. He put the cream on ( so I thought) but nothing changed..I tried everything, dressing more sexier, meeting him at the door in little nighties, Always the house was spotless, the kids taken care of, the billing for his company done, big meals made, I then noticed no mail coming into the house. Asked for a PO Box key. HE would go there before I got there. So I thought Ok.. that is wierd..I went to his shop and snooped.. I found so many bills that he ignored. So many tax things from the IRS. He hasnt paid his taxes for 1999- through 2005, thousands. I found back child support stuff too, 35k owed. HE told me he didnt have any bills before I married him, I asked. I found that he hasnt filed taxes for 2005 -2012. So who know how much more he owed.. I found a warrant for his arrest for a bad chk he wrote 20 yrs ago. I walked in on him and on the computer I saw quickly an image before he immediately hit the off button. I asked what is that..He said just the stuff the boys were looking at and I am seeing what they are looking at.. I said show me.. he said no , I dont want you to embarass them..Huh? I would never do that!!. show me. he refused.. SO I decided something was up. Yeah..it was him that " UP" alright. No wonder he doesnt come home to me.. I am not tooting my horn but I am pretty fair looking and not a dead lay. I am intelligent and have a head on my shoulders. So I planted a spy on his PC.. So what. I did it. So I have kept a calendar and every day for hours a day he looks at Shemales.. I told him he had an addiction and he said he would stop but I check later and he has not. He goes through tons of videos of Hormone therapy, my journey, 12 months. constently looking at how they change and their journeys, some cross dressing sites, and now more than ever its hemaphrodites doing it to each other, tranny sex, and shemales, ladyboys etc.. So if a guy below and boobs above..Isnt that Gay? I mean.. just because they have boobs my husband is still ( pardon me) looking a cock and balls and them getting off.. sooo? isnt that Gay? Or is he a transgender that likes girls and guys? I mean I dont know what I am dealing with..I just know I want out. I have had him sign a post nup agreement, and an agreement that I am not responsible for any of his debt. I flew back home last week and got an even better job than I had to start July15th, So next week I have to tell him I KNOW and I want a divorce.. my questions are : Is he Gay you think? Transgender? HOw do I do this.. ? Show him the pictures that I have of exactly what he is looking at? how does one actually do the leave? Any advice, more than just a fettish..right? I mean this is 2 hrs a day.. 6 hrs on saturday he watches this stuff. Then says how busy a day he has had.. Deprives me of my wants sexually.. I just want some comments as to what each of you think I am dealing with and how to deal with it to finish this. Its so unhealthy and after 3 yrs I 've had enough. hate to hurt his sons and that weighs on me.. but I am his cover.. right? So many other betrayals money wise too.. but this is long enough now.. Heart is broke.. just need the strength to get this done.. so I can go back home to my family and friends and new job. and new life.. I need support to see this through.. Thank you!!
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- Just Because -- Sandy (the country song), 20:58:45 06/01/13 Sat
Just Because
Sittin’ on my back porch in the early evenin’ summer sun
Wonderin’ what the hell I’m doin’ here
I know you’d rather be with that other guy, guess he’s “the one”
But you won’t see me cryin’ in my beer
Cuz I see now, that we weren’t meant to be
I’m not that guy, I never was
I’m movin’ on again at 53
It ain’t my fault, it’s just because
Back in the day when we had almost everything
The love, the life, the kids, the double-wide
We said we’d share all that our life would bring
Turns out you only took me for a ride
But I see now, that we weren’t meant to be
I’m not that guy, I never was
I’m movin’ on again at 53
It ain’t my fault, it’s just because
Readin’ through the papers that your lawyer sent to me
Ain’t no way I’m signin’ them today
I need a shot of whiskey or some mental therapy
To get me past the fact that y'all are gay
And I see now, that we weren’t meant to be
I’m not that guy, I never was
I’m movin’ on again at 53
It ain’t my fault, it’s just because
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- She's not gay, she's either really smart, or really dumb! -- Pammie-Rae (Barf...), 14:48:58 06/02/13 Sun
You've heard my opinion. A lot, all the "what ifs" & what could've or could be done & any & everything all comes down to this: if you wanna fix it- give her a baby! If not, move on. Maybe the one for you has been there all along but the wrong person was standing the in way the whole time, or buying time whichever way you perceive it. I don't honestly think its 100% over, she'll be back I promise. Nobody in their right mind lets a guy like you get away that easily. She's pushed you away yes, but not to the point where you can honestly say if she were to be 100% genuinely sorry & is no longer confused about her sexuality that you wouldn't take her back. You guys have a home together, her fantasy of being w/her straight boss is just that, reality is you're all she has & she's curious to see what else is beyond the walls of y'all's home- which is sad & in a very sick way normal to be curious how much greener is the grass on the other side of the fence- and she's wrong for acting on it. But it's not over T, hang in there. Give it time, it's only been 6wks... Wound is fresh & she's confused w/what she wants, obviously, she was w/you not too long ago even after coming out so she has some type of feelings or longs for you sexually, she just needs time away to miss you. You will be waiting at the door to open it with open arms, so don't move on just yet, cause it'll confuse yourself in the long run. Chin up sweetcheeks :) no matter what happens, I'm sure you will get through this, look up, & don't forget the good Lord above wont give you more than you can handle- he's testing your patience... She may have your heart, but Mutt has mine ;) lol mutt- bad dog no buscuit!!
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- Opinions welcome -- Angie, 23:17:27 06/04/13 Tue
Anyone out there with a spouse in denial? Correct if I am wrong but I would consider the following to be the actions of a gay man; searching gay bars in the area while you are on business, calling sensual men only massage off Craigslist, looking up hairless naked men on the Internet, having a 2 year affair ( sexual im pretty sure, emotional for sure) with a so called "counselor", going various yahoo groups dedicated to men who like to be naked with other men, masturbating in the gym shower with other men, going to an all nude men's yoga class and lying about it. There's more but that's what I can think of right now. If anyone thinks these are normal things for a married so called straight man to do please let me hear what you think.
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- When will these "OH" moments cease? -- Diane, 11:23:18 06/04/13 Tue
Another post about porn had me thinking back through the years of my 24 year marriage and how H and I would, on occasion, enjoy a few drinks with some x-rated movies from the video store, and it occurred to me recently that every once in a while he would very pointedly exclaim "Damn it!" and show me how he had accidently picked up a gay title. Of course I would giggle and tease him about it. (Once even, out of curiosity, I said "let's watch" but less than ten minutes in I asked him to change it, not because I was disgusted but because the men looked utterly bored with each other.) The thought never crossed my mind, until now of course, that out of all the different interests there must have been for rent he always "accidentally" came home with a movie for gay men. My guess is GH was shoving a big red flag in my face and I was too stupidly in love to even notice. I'm thirteen months post discovery and I so wish these OH. OOOH. OH! moments would just stop. I can't stand it.
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- wife is getting way more interest -- rick (mad), 02:28:05 06/04/13 Tue
Hey everyone. I know its been ages since I last posted but,here I'am with one more goody. Anyway we decided to see people and thus far she has been getting crazy interest. Three dates and more already planned. I'm so upset. One of them wanted to make out with her. On top of this she said we shouldn't have any sexual contact anymore so we,don't have to lie To the person were seeing. So yes thus far I'm losing and looking like a fool. To make things worse she is only on match.com and got a lot of interest. Hell I'm on around 9 sites and got barely any messages. Not all hope is lost for me because I signed up for meet up.com and I recommend it to all you guys to meet new people. Anyway I found singles,dating meet up groups in Los Angeles in going to attend this month on the 22nd. I also signed up for a Los Angeles matchmaking service. I want to try to pick up women in public places but its so hard. Any help would be nice. I'm 28 and all the women I was with pursued me so I never had to do the pursuing.please help me out guys and girls. Thanks
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- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- Steve, 03:16:50 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- Megan (why are you dating), 05:20:48 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- Duh, 07:32:57 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- Sonny, 07:51:52 06/04/13 Tue
- Glad to see you back Rick - keep posting -- Riley, 10:28:10 06/04/13 Tue
- Damon.....did you hear the one about..... -- Riley, 11:09:48 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- Patti (lawyer up), 11:33:55 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- megan (caution while dating), 17:08:20 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- Renee S (just a thought), 18:29:21 06/04/13 Tue
- Re: wife is getting way more interest -- xyz, 01:41:18 06/06/13 Thu
- I need a new hobby -- lost, 02:04:53 06/01/13 Sat
After coming to terms with the fact that my husband is gay and in denial, and having sudden overactive gaydar where I see gayness literally everywhere I turn, I am now having this intense urge to look up and read more and more about gay married men. Maybe I'm looking for another clue to prove or disprove that he really is gay (I know he is but there's always a tiny sliver of hope that somehow I'm wrong) but thinking about his sexuality is literally consuming my life. For those of you that made it through the "shock phase", how did you begin to have normalcy again? I want to think of something else besides his sexual orientation, but I'm stuck. It's all I think about all day long. I can't seem to focus at work. I feel like I need a hobby. It's like I'm obsessed with trying to crack the code....trying to figure out why this happens...why gay men marry women when they know they are gay.
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- Thank you! -- Lost, 01:45:16 06/05/13 Wed
Since the day I had my aha moment about G/BIDH, I haven't felt alone because of all you wonderful people. None of us wanted to be a part of this club, but I tell you what, all the support, encouragement and advice I have gotten here had made a world of difference. Thank you all.
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- Do you ever feel like you have been too nice to your ex? -- Megan (curious), 17:19:38 06/03/13 Mon
This probably sounds like a weird question but sometimes I feel like I have been too nice or forgiving toward my ex. I use to be a very angry and hateful individual prior to meeting my ex. I found spirituality and changed immensely. Anger isn't my deal anymore. I personally strive each and every day to be a mellow and happy person. My ex tested my anger full force but I really never let him get the best of me. I mean I had my slips becuase a person can only take so much but all in all I feel I handled my situation pretty damn well. What bothers me the most today is I feel like my desire to be a loving and forgiving individual was my downfall with him. It caused me to be a door mat and not set boundries. It bothers me today. I feel like a weak piece of crap. I feel like I should have been stronger and more harsh. But then I remind myself that I was strong and in the end I stood my ground. I mean I left him & haven't looked back for a year. I've told him multiple times what was on my mind. I stood up for myself. I guess I feel like a wimp becuase I saw him a few weeks ago (randomly) and was very nice and polite to him. We even went to coffee. It was a good night but sometimes I just wonder if I should be a bitch and tell him to fuck off and die. Lol.
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- well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- AdrianInUK (ugh), 03:44:02 06/03/13 Mon
Hello. I'm a 43 year old man, been married to the love of my life for 15 years, and we have 3 wonderful kids. Our marriage has been far from perfect. There have been times where my sex drive was low, causing anger and sadness for my wife. At times this led her to find someone else to meet those needs (men). I'd find out, beg for forgiveness and try to do better. Ever since then I've been afraid of it happening again. She has always been bisexual, I've always accepted that, and she's had the occasional flimg, with my knowledge and sometimes my involvement.
Recently, she's met a woman She works with, about 6 months ago She mentioned She might like to be with her at times, I agreed. It didn't happen, supposedly, when the woman said She didn't want to "share " my wife with me, and told my wife to decide between her and me. As far as I knew my wife chose me.
Well, two weeks ago, I got that feeling again. She started going out more than normal, shut her mobile phone off when out, texting, etc. I hate myself for it, but I snooped at her phone when a text came in, it was talking about wanting cuddles, missing her, etc. My first thought was that it was another man. I walked outside to cool down, and after a bit, saw her replying to the text, and asked "who is he?", my wife went ballistic yelling about it being none of my business, etc. After a few exchanges She screamed "I'm Gay!". And proceded to tell me it was the woman from work that She had supposedly stopped seeing.
The past two weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions.
Where we stand, I think, is that She loves me, still wants to be intimate with me, and wants for me to give her one date a month with the woman.
On the surface, it's not a bad deal I guess, but the thought of her being withssomeone else, that She is in love with tears me apart. She told me if it was too much She would end that relationship, I love her so much I don't want to cause her that pain, but I don't know if I can handle my pain. I mentioned that, She laughed back into the fact that she's gay, and doesn't want to end that relationship. That She doesnt love her like She loves me.
So grin and bear it seems to be my only avenue. A further complication, I'm a US citizen, she's British, and I'm on a spousal visa, so can'tmerely walk out.
Any insight would be appreciated
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- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- Megan (why?), 05:27:00 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- Abby, 09:05:12 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- suzanne, 10:41:30 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- Brad, 11:10:02 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- BMary, 12:19:28 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- Sonny, 12:33:40 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- yobigc, 12:50:56 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- jj (Bite of Cake), 13:45:15 06/03/13 Mon
- Re: well, this wasn't what I wanted to find out -- Megan (Hope), 16:51:08 06/03/13 Mon
- Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Wallywest80 (sad), 02:59:17 05/31/13 Fri
my wife said she is a lesbian, now she is damanding to sleep with another woman and maybe call it quits, god im so down, please someone help me.
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- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Steve, 03:03:09 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Steve, 03:09:23 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Clif, 09:29:13 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Wastedyears, 10:03:47 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- brad, 12:08:14 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Patti (welcome), 14:37:45 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Wallywest80 (hurt), 17:38:00 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Abby (Protection from Abuse), 18:20:13 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- BMary (Wally), 18:53:08 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Steve, 19:12:26 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Mary, 00:47:16 06/01/13 Sat
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Dray, 13:58:00 06/01/13 Sat
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Sonny, 17:53:30 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Patti (CALL NOW), 21:26:21 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Cerebral Reaction (CR) ((protect yourself!)), 22:21:21 05/31/13 Fri
- Beyond Reason -- NestleAland, 00:49:43 06/01/13 Sat
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Steven, 04:01:20 06/01/13 Sat
- Re: Im losing my mind, im so sad -- Megan (your turn for happiness), 14:01:18 06/03/13 Mon
- Better DAy -- Mary, 21:26:28 06/02/13 Sun
Better Days by Faith Hill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhjlM288ZXI
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- empowering song to share -- Barbie (Keep the faith :)), 21:07:45 06/02/13 Sun
Maybe this song may help some of us...helped me.
"Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgjTO5eAbZY
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- We're NOT gonna take it.. -- Nikki, 12:17:32 05/31/13 Fri
Cranking this on my car stereo..http://youtu.be/KOqk_q4NLLI
Bought a "My husband is GAY" t-shirt, picked up a perm marker, made a big X in front of husband, on the back I wrote " I got the house, he got the closet" been wearing it since yesterday, getting lots of smiles, a couple hugs, and a few high 5's..lol Having the time of my life!! Nik
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- LIKE!!!!!! (NT) -- Brad, 12:21:02 05/31/13 Fri
- Here's a big fat cyber HUG for you girl.. :))) (NT) -- Sonny, 12:50:36 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: We're NOT gonna take it.. -- Lost (Awesomeness!), 14:16:05 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: We're NOT gonna take it.. -- Suzanne, 14:25:17 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: We're NOT gonna take it.. -- Sandy, 15:06:41 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: We're NOT gonna take it.. -- Patricia (Hilarious), 17:57:24 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: We're NOT gonna take it.. -- lily (love it!), 18:17:27 05/31/13 Fri
- You so TOTALLY rock! "high 5" and a great big hug! (NT) -- Tara, 19:17:10 05/31/13 Fri
- Re: We're NOT gonna take it.. -- Mary, 00:33:13 06/01/13 Sat
- where did you get the tshirt? (NT) -- col, 20:33:48 06/01/13 Sat
- T-Shirts -- ., 06:25:35 06/02/13 Sun
- Mega Hugs -- Suzi (Sad), 22:18:03 06/01/13 Sat
To all who are new here,
My heart is breaking for all of you as I read your stories. I know your pain only too well. I know the depression, the pain, the anger, the feeling that life will never be the same. I cried, I screamed, I hated, I lost my self esteem (which was never very good due to childhood abuse). I questioned God and came thisclose to denying Him. I wanted to die.
It's true. Life will never be the same, but you will come out of this in your own time, and life will be better. You will have fits and starts - days when you can cope, days when you can't. Days when the world seems so foreign and looks so different. Days when you can begin to see the light, only to have it become dark again.
I am here to tell you that for me, two years out from the beginning of the whole thing, life is getting better and yours will too. It's a slow process of ups and downs, but there are more ups than downs now. I never thought I could feel better. I thought I was doomed to spend my life in depression and pain. I spent so much money on therapy - and it has been worth every penny even when I thought it was useless.
Please keep coming here. Please. Even if you don't post or only post once in a while, please keep coming here. As our famous Patti says, "You are not alone." And you will never be alone. We all know the same pain. Some stories are nightmares. Some stories are not. But nightmares do end and dreams do start to grow. I'm 61. I have hope. I have my first date this coming Wednesday - to a 53 year old man! Pleases - don't leave. Stay here with us and we will hold you in our cyber arms and comfort you better than anyone else can - because we know.
With love and prayers,
Suzi
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- Sadness -- Dray, 16:33:18 06/01/13 Sat
Part of me feels that I should just be 100% angry over all that is going on. But right now, I also feel terribly sad. My family is so angry that I think they are frustrated by my sadness. They are on the other side of the country, and I only talk to them by phone. I am alone in the house now, trying to clean and pack. I just feel so alone and sad.
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- disturbed -- lost, 23:51:55 05/30/13 Thu
It seems that my "gaydar" is trying to make up for being broken for a decade. Now everywhere I go all I see is gay, gay, gay. I feel like I'm suspicious of every "straight" man I see. When I see a gay man, I feel angry although I know he did absolutely nothing to me. Does this go away?
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- Just need to vent and need to hear others are out there! -- Ellen (Feel so alone!), 18:38:53 05/30/13 Thu
I feel really alone right now, need to talk, and have no one. I have one good friend who knows about GIDH/TGT, but she is not available at all. I have 2 other friends, and they don't necessarily believe me. There are days when this all seems so damn crazy! I just need to talk, to vent... to sort this crap out.
Yesterday, my GIDH had a surgical procedure, and low and behold the surgeon was most likely VERY gay! When he walked in for the consult after, he totally, completely ignored me, and was actually making "eyes" at my GIDH. When the surgeon went to examine his stomach, my GIDH actually had this sickening smile/smirk on his face, and I instantly got nauseous and wanted to right then and there start crying. I asked the Dr. about GIDH's prostate (because that's the excuse he has been using for no sex!), and the surgeon said, "Well, when I felt up with my fingers, I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. It felt large, but normal. (GIDH is a very large man)." "and, I got my fingers up as far as I could go."........ All the time that ass surgeon was talking about the question that I ASKED, he was making total eye contact with my husband! I wanted to run out of the room screaming and crying. It was disgusting! Do gay guys just know when another is gay? Do they sense it? Because this was the first time that I thought my GIDH husband met this surgeon. SO...... Now the husband has NO excuses for his lack of sex drive... (no colon issues, no prostate issues, no testosterone issues... ) Just that he is f**king gay, and won't admit it. He kept using the possible medical reasons for why he can't have sex with me....(not that I wanted it anymore after figuring out he is probably gay). BUT, I sort of want reassurance that nothing else was wrong, and that maybe this is all some sick mistake. This is my 2nd marraige, and I told myself first that I was never getting married again. When I decided to remarry, this was supposed to be forever. I became Lutheran after meeting my GIDH, and this marraige was supposed to be forever. I feel like a loser, and extremely stupid. I don't have the energy/drive to get things together and move on... I should be using my days off to simplify my belongings, and look for another home. I just want to go crawl in bed and sleep instead. Everything seems so damn messy, cluttered, and bothersome. I am in therapy, but my therapist is really good, and she books up for weeks/months in advance. I just really wish I had someone to talk to, to help me sort all this crap out. He was supposed be my best friend, and partner in life! We had such amazing dreams together, but now I think he made everything just seem so good, just to get me here. I pray everyday for wisdom, courage, and energy/strength to move on, but for some reason it all just feels like I am in standby. My favorite pastor left the area, and he would have known what to say... or at least give me comfort. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. This all just really, really sucks! Sorry I am so negative right now, and I am usually a really positive, upbeat, happy person. But, I am just so confused as what I am to do. Thanks for reading. Ellen
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- Torn -- Sandy, 17:45:04 05/31/13 Fri
Been working on divorce related documentation the last few days. I've been thinking that after I get the attorney started already, I might go ahead since he still lives here to give him heads up that it will be coming. And without getting into things too much, try to feel out what he's going to decide to argue about and what we might be able to come to agreement on up front (even though it wouldn't really be up front, because the attorney would already be working on it). I could just have her send him the letter and blindside him, but that's just not who I am.
I don't want it to drag on and be nasty, although I'm prepared for that. I do think there are some basic things we can agree on, particularly regarding the children.
So I go to bed last night with that stuff rolling around in my head. And end up having a weird dream, where I'm saying to him that I just wish things hadn't had to be this way (i.e., him being gay). No anger and not really sadness, but more like a conversation you might have with a friend on their deathbed - nothing we can do about this situation but I wish it hadn't been like this. Hugs, a few tears, and goodbye.
I don't know if this is me continuing the journey of acceptance of the situation, if my conscience is telling me not to start out stooping to his level, if I'm starting to think he cannot possibly be the completely selfish a-hole lying jerk that I consciously believe him to be, or if I'm starting to buy into the "mediation works" stuff (which I believe can work for some situations, but have serious doubts for this particular one). Maybe some of all of that.
If this were any other sort of business deal that went south, would I go directly to suing the person or would I try to get them to negotiate a reasonable settlement first? If I really thought I was owed $200, but it cost $100 to pursue that and there was a 50% chance I would still only end up with $100 anyway, wouldn't it make sense to just settle for $100 in the first place and not waste more time and money? I'm in a pretty good position of "power" in terms of the divorce, and I don't want to leave something on the table that I don't really have to, but what's the tradeoff?
I don't believe what we had was ever completely real, but I would like to believe there was a time he was in denial and lying to himself, had good intentions and was faithful. It is just so unimaginable to me that a person could deliberately use another human being.
Part of my conundrum is that my first divorce many years ago went so smoothly. We both agreed it wasn't working out, parted amicably, and didn't argue over anything. I even helped him move to his new place. I filed, he just signed the papers. All told I think it cost $100 (we had a child but no significant property). We stayed friends - still to this day. But on the other hand, that guy never did anything underhanded. We were just young.
For those who have already gone through the divorce process, I would be interested to hear your story. Did you try to sort things out between yourselves or did you just go straight to a battle? If you tried to cooperate, did you ultimately end up in a battle anyway? What kind of things became sticking points? If you settled do you look back now and feel you would have been better off being more aggressive? If you battled, do you look back now and feel you would have ended up equal or better by settling?
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- Posted already but I need to talk -- Angie, 22:04:48 05/31/13 Fri
Husband was out of town this week and apparently logged on to my computer remotely and saw that I was on his yahoo account looking at the groups he was apart of. Two of which are for naked men who like to be around other naked men. He came home acting really nice and sad almost then when I wasn't falling all over him because he was home he is now short with me. I feel bad for snooping but not sorry for what I found. Despite what I found I'm having scary feelings of what is going to happen. It's gonna hurt me and the kids. Should I stay and pretend to be in the dark like I always have until the kids get old enough to understand. Do I suck it up and leave and do my best to make a great home for my kids. Will I find love again? Just having a bum night. Thanks for listening.
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- Letting Go -- Mourningbird, 13:52:15 05/30/13 Thu
Struggling with letting go. I am coming to terms that this season of my life is coming to a close. Soon, I will be entirely on my own without help ($) from the H and I will be divorced. I've no idea what that will look like for me and my child. Of course, I had no idea how the last few years were going to play out and I made it through unscathed.
Along with all that, my H is becoming involved with another woman. I am unaware of the details but, it is enough to know that he is thrusting himself into another straight relationship. It is difficult to accept. Most times I feel very confident in my decision to leave the marriage. Knowing what I know makes it complicated, it's sad and kind of feels degrading. I feel an injustice about it.
To top it off, I was "proposed" to by a gentleman I have been working with the last two years. I was blind sided by this and had to confront the issue and decline in the most gentle manner I could muster. I do not share in his feelings for me. It was devastating and threw me into an emotional downward spiral. My first reaction was to cry--then, I thought, "I wonder what my H would think if he knew?" I know it shouldn't matter.
I WANT to let go of him and just not care what he does or, who he is with.
I know that most men want to fix things or be a woman's hero, and I applaud that but, I am sick of being treated like the damsel in distress. IDK, maybe I put out that "vibe" or something.
A friend told me I should be flattered that someone wanted to marry me even though I am not divorced but, it doesn't feel that way. I feel preyed upon, because of my situation. He doesn't even know WHY I left my H! I haven't been able to tell any man I've been involved with, except my brother and a married friend. I feel as if it is a weakness, that I would be revealing the chink in my armor. I don't want to hand just anyone that power.
I knew these experiences would come; I just didn't think they would come together and so suddenly. sigh.
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- Reaching out for support -- Wastedyears (hopeful), 14:16:29 05/30/13 Thu
The other day I sent a request for more information on the Face2Face group(s) that might be in my area and this morning I received the meeting information (meeting is next week, I have good timing) and the facilitator also gave some contact information for him if I needed to talk in the meantime.
I work afternoon shift and this meeting is on one of my nights off, which almost never happens when I want to do something.
I want to encourage anyone wondering to please reach out using the home page. I woke up this morning again feeling like I was drowning in this muck and when I opened my email it was like the light at the end of the tunnel.
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