- Is he gay? -- treading water, 17:23:36 09/27/07 Thu
I have been married for 33 years raised 3 sons to adulthood. After the first 5 our marriage change drastically and has since been what I have now come to understand was a charade.
I believe my husband not only is a Narcissist but gay as well.
Many years ago, I had what was a very uncomfortable situation occur, but put it out of my mind for years. My husband, my sister and her male friend (he had been divorced 5 times) and myself were cooking dinner at our home. I realized I didn't have an ingredient needed, so Sis and I left for the store. The guys were sitting in the floor of a will lit room listening to music. When we returned 20 minutes later, they were laying on the floor next to each other in a very dark room. They were dressed, but it made my stomach flip over. They sat up quickly. I never discussed this with hubby, but he seemed to go through a depression after this and our marriage shifted on it's axis and has never been the same. Sex has never been the same for sure.
Fast forward 6 years and his new boss has a mystery fiance who lives in another city which no one has ever seen a picture of, or every met. This new boss takes a shine to hubby and likes to go fishing a lot. New boss is an alcholic and a loner who loves to call me to see if hubby can get a "kitchen pass" to go fishing on the weekend and stay overnight camping. I always found his attitude to me to be condescending. After two years of this, hubby is laid off and transfers to another dept. and his friendship with former boss stops.
Fast forward 4 years and new person joins the company. A young, single,new college graduate comes into hubby's dept. and hubby is asked to train him. This relationship becomes something surreal. Hubby was totally enthralled with him, praised him constantly,was protective of him ( the guy is Asian) he invited him to our home. Hubby disconnected from me and kids emotionally and from me sexually for 6 months. When I tried to entice him into sex he became angry and insulting. In fact, he said some of the most hurtful things to me, that I still carry today. He became addicted to xanax during this time. When to "friend" would come over, hubby would lay in the floor to watch TV ( something he frequently did back then), and so would his friend.
At least once a week, sometimes twice a week there would be a problem at work that hubby would have to stay late for. Also,his friend would call the house and leave messages that said things like, " I'm lonely, please come over" or "let's go lay out at the pool". He never invited me or the kids to his apartment. His friend and he took a Job related trip for a week together and the guy was so haughty about it. Once,while standing on the shoulder of the street to see a Christmas parade in our town, I looked over at hubby to ask for his help in corralling our 4 and 6 year olds, there he and his buddy stood with their arms around each other's waist...I almost puked. His friend would come to the house, visit for a minute and then he and hubby would have to leave to go somewhere, to the store, go look a car on a car lot, etc. The friend was 10 or 11 years younger than hubby and was very interested in fast cars and fast bikes. Every time his friend would leave our house hubby would want to have frantic sex with me. I hated it.
The company transferred us to another state and I told hubby in no uncertain terms that his days of coming home late were over. I would take the kids and leave him. It stopped.
Now, all of these miserable years later. The kids are grown, my health is failing me terribly, ( I now have many serious health problems) and hubby has a new obsession. Once again, it's his (twice divorced) boss. Hubby reminds me of a 16 year old girl going out on a date when anticipating spending time with him. We buy 50 dollar bottles of wine for him when he comes over for dinner.
So, gang. What say thee...is he gay? If so, then please explain this to me...what is up with bringing your "friend" into your home and subjecting your family to this person?
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- Husband is gay........need support -- MovingOn, 17:46:15 09/25/07 Tue
I never thought that I would be here one day.......as I am sure many of you felt at one point. I found out last week my husband of 7 1/2 yrs is gay. Looking back now, it answers so many little questions that were just never enough to scream GAY. I am sure you have all heard the reasons/excuses........I never dated a lot/had much experience ( i attributed it to his shyness), not a lot of friends(now I see he had nothing in common with heterosexual men really), very lackluster sex life even in the beginning when everything should have been great. It seems I was the one initiating intimacy 95% of the time. What little we had in the beginning quickly continued to go downhill following the birth of 2 children. Always an excuse for his behavior. History of mild to moderate depression for him. 3 years ago I accidently found he had been looking at gay porn on the laptop, had entered some gay yahoo groups, was using steroids (he was into bodybuidling......lots of gay men involved in that). I was 8 months pregnant with #2. Had a HUGE discussion.....I told him if that was who he is, then he needed to take this opportunity and get out....this was his chance. He denied, denied, denied and I had to give him the benefit of the doubt as I had no real proof and we had 2 kids. Professed his undying love and that would do whatever it took to regain trust. Everything seemed OK, and I certainly kept my guard up. 4 months ago, things changed. He met a man that sells insurance to residents(my husband is a physician) when they are getting out of their residency. This guy just didn't seem right to me.......although he had a wife and 2 kids too!!!! On a whim I googled him and questionable info was found indicating he had a gay life on the side. Confronted my husband......denial. Now over the last 3 months he was moody, angry, saying he wasn't happy. Of course blaming me for marriage problems. Finally admits to our marriage counselor he is gay and then to me 1 week later. He is currently out of the house hooking up with this man living his new life. I am devastated for my kids and ANGRY he has wasted 10 years of my life. He disgusts me, not for his sexuality, but for what he has done to us and the extended family. How selfish these people are. it seems as though this was his plan all along.....he needed a certain look to his life b/c of his profession, and now that he is making very good money, the kids and I are expendable. Unbelievable. he is still worried about how others view him(he is very narcissistic)so he is trying to pull the I am bi-sexual crap. I told him if you want to put your dick in another mans ass, then you are gay! Sorry for the vulgarity, but that is how I feel. My main focus remains on the well being of my children....they are so young(2 and 4) and I will just have to be the best Mom to them and the safest place for them to fall. Any suggestions on coping with this and advice about what to do for the kids would be great.
Thanks
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- i joined a group -- lynn (beginning to move forward), 14:04:55 09/21/07 Fri
on your advice, i joined the alternate path yahoo group. i havent done much on the site yet, but i feel good that i am moving forward with something.
apparently i am following the course of coming to terms with this that everyone does, according to the email they sent me. something along the lines of the five stages of grief.
*sigh*
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- problems adusting -- Ann, 23:54:04 09/24/07 Mon
this may sound silly or crazy,, but after 14 years of being the faithful wife of a Gay man, I am having a hard or akward time adjusting to sex with a straight lover. My new lover is also a dear friend so I feel we started things right without sex being the first thing to happen in our relaionship. He is a very patient and caring man, and I so enjoy him but I am afraid that I many be a disapointment to him.
Has anyone else had this experiance or feelings
I so appreciate the way he makes love to me, he is so kind.
Until 2 weeks ago I had spent 6-12 months thinking I would never again be sexualy active and I thought I was real OK with that idea. I had no interest as it has been so weird in the past.
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- is it possible for a man to like gay porn but be straight? -- Ann, 19:42:15 08/03/07 Fri
I've been married for five years. I found a dildo hidden in our guest room last year and gay porn on the computer last week. He admits to enjoying the fantasy but is grossed out by the thought of actually being with a man. Is it possible for a man to be turned on like this and not be gay? Our sex life is nothing to brag about, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. If I read this post from someone else I would say "duh". I really don't have anyone I can talk to and I want to be discreet.
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- Co dependence...understanding It, you and me -- Beamer (smile), 13:16:20 09/24/07 Mon
Hi,
I read a book written by Robert Burney called the Dance of the Wounded Souls about 6 years ago. In fact after reading this book I was unable to see the world in the same ( sick ) way that I'd been viewing it from. It was like turning on a light for me, but the kind of light that is on a special day late in the afternoon... kind of golden and lemony... that makes things look special... and that light was on ME.
I don't know if it's acceptable to post a link to his web site or not, but here it is:
http://joy2meu.com/joy_22.htm
There is great information there even if you don't buy his book which is also listed on amazon. I think of all the things that helped me to really "get it" about ME which is pivitol to being able to change that this was one of my bigger tools.
We now live in a co dependent society in this country so that we accept things that are totally sick as normal. Learning what is healthy is amazing... choosing it is easy because we can FEEL it. I think this book would be helpful to all people but especially to many of us that I've read here, and especially people who struggle with their own deep issues of sexuallity. If our society was not so co dependent people would find it more easy to live from their cores.
Much Love and Light,
Beamer
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- i am sparkle -- lynn, 11:12:27 09/24/07 Mon
if you want to know who i am on the alternatepath board, i am sparkle. i will stay here too.
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- AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!! -- lynn (completely freaked), 13:43:57 09/14/07 Fri
ok, i just read the whole thread of "can a straight man like gay porn?"
needless to say this reminds me of the "proof" that i alluded to regarding my situation.
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- So tired -- Janie (Sad and numb), 04:15:49 09/12/07 Wed
I have lurked on this forum for about 4 yrs.When I married my husband,I suspected he was gay but thought I could change him.So when I found gay porn,it felt like a piece of the puzzle had fallen into place.I remember sitting at the computer(it was so innocent finding out-my 1 yr old hit the mouse and it went into "Recycle"and there it was)and thinking,"Here it is,I can leave now".I confronted him and he said he has always had feelings for men and had a "friend",while in high school.He kept saying"I don't want to live that lifestyle".After many days of crying and talking,I agreed to stay.I come from a divorced family,have never known my father and my husband is a great father.He is a good person,helps with everything,great provider(as am I-have always worked),well respected in our community and church-very active in church.Feels God will eventually change him.We have 2 children,boy and girl.He is hard on our son,is very impatient with him,yells at him.My therapist (I started seeing one almost a yr ago)thinks it may have to do with our son perhaps being the age,when husband first felt attraction?I sometimes think my son may know or sense something different about his Dad.All this is leading up to how very sad I feel and also numb.Numb from always wondering about him,although at times I don't care.I'm also sad that we have almost no sex life.Sex has always been important to me and he is just not interested.I recently lost a lot of weight,bought some great clothes,changed my hair and get compliments all the time.My friends tease me and say"He probably can't keep his hands off you"Ha!He is very touchy feely,kisses me and always talks about how soft my skin is,you smell great.etc. and then..nothing.And the saddest thing is I'm beginning to not care.I feel I am getting closer to wanting out of my marriage and it scares and excites me at the same time.I feel the saddest for my kids.I don't want them to come from a"divorced"home.Have them going different places on holidays and all the mess that comes with divorce.But I also think"What about ME"!I do feel I have accepted that he is gay,he cannot help it or change it,he will never admit it.Although it is amazing how you think you can handle something and then you get older and what you first thought wasn't important enough suddenly becomes glaring important.And you get tired of just "settling".I would like to be part of your forum,I have found comfort in so many of your messages.Forgive me for rambling,I just had to get it out.Thanks for listening.
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- learning to trust again -- Ann, 23:37:22 09/17/07 Mon
Ok I see what everyone means !!!!!!!!
Recently it was said here that Sex does not matter if you are not having it.
Oh my I see what other mean when they talk about being with a man that is thinking of them and passionate.
I think I may learn to trust again, infact i have dated a few men recently nothing serious nor do I want anything serious at this time but it is so refreshing to be with a man that enjoys me for me.
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- Need support, trying to be strong for my child -- Tammy, 23:25:48 08/18/07 Sat
Hi everyone, many of you may not remember me.... I posted on here a while back (probably a year or so), but I recognize some of the names still posting so I hope some people do remember my story. I was the person who found out that my husband was gay, and I was also in the middle of trying to adopt our daughter. (She was biologically his).... He was also bipolar and treated me horribly, and would threaten to end the adoption every chance he got. Well, I won't go into all of that now, but for those of you who remember, it was a nightmare. The adoption was actually finalized last year (YAY) and I thought that would bring peace. In some ways it did, because now he could never threaten to take her from me again, because I had rights too. But now the drama is heating up again.
I was trying to handle our dissolution peacefully, in the interests of my daughter. I didn't want her going through all the hell that he would put us through in court.... every since he has been with his "partner", he had only wanted to get her once in a great while anyway. For the first 6-8 months he only got her a couple times a month. This past spring he's gotten her more, but still not very often. I'd say once a week at best.... some weeks not at all, some maybe twice so it probably averaged 1x a week. SO I had planned to do a shared parenting plan with him.... well, now all of a sudden he tells me last week that "they" want to get her 3 or 4 nights a week. (!!!) Well, there is no way I will ever agree to this. She was at his house when he dropped this bomb, so I didn't want to start an argument. I just didn't say a lot.... he even put his "partner" on the phone with me who kept telling me how "he loves her as much as I do" and they want her to be there more etc.... This guy, the partner, has no idea of the facts. First of all, no guy who has become involved with my ex for about a year is going to tell me he "loves my daughter as much as I do".... get real. Again, I didn't argue, what's the point. But my daughter came home and started balling about her daddy said she "has to stay there 1/2 the time now". Since then she's started throwing up and crying all the time. If the phone rings and its him she immediately loses it. She is 7.
I know her dad loves her, and she loves him. I have never tried to stand in the way of this and never spoken a work against him. In the agreement we were going to do I wasn't even asking for child support, and I was going to let him claim her on taxes the first 5 years, even though he doesn't pay one red cent for anything. I just wanted away from him and wanted her to not be put through a battle. The money wasn't important. I feel like he pushed and I backed up everytime, just to keep things healthy for her. But of course I cannot back down on this one. It is completely emotionally unhealthy for her, and I will NEVER agree to this. If she were older, and if things were healthier, than it would be different. She is afraid to even express emotions around him because of how he been in the past. (If she cries for me he yells at her)... And he makes her call his partner "dad"... He is daddy and the partner is "dad".... He is a very controlling person, and is very abusive, but his partner doesn't know all of this... I think my stbx is still in the "honeymoon" phase where he hides a lot of his true self... the partner is a nice person, but he's somewhat deluded if he thinks he can just come in and "take" my daughter. (He is the one pushing this, my stbx would be happy seeing her once a month...)
Well, I'm talking to a lawyer in a little over a week (thats the first time they could meet with me), and I'm also going to take my daughter to a counselor. She was doing so much better during the past 6 months, she was ok with seeing her daddy once a week or so. But now shes right back to the anxiety, vomitting and crying.... I just want some support I guess.... I feel like intellectually I know that he has no way of winning custody in court (she's been with me residentially since she was 3 also, even before him and I were married, and there are also 2 family members of HIS who would testify that shes been with me and she has anxiety over going with him)... but even though I feel like I have nothing to worry about intellectually, I'm still scared to death thinking "what if".... what if he turns on the charm and they buy it? what if he wins 1/2 custody? I dont' mind having shared custody, but I want her residence to be here with me. And I know he has the right to visit her, and I want her to know her dad also (as long as he's stable)... but a schedule she can handle.... maybe every other weekend and a day in the week or something... Then I wonder if I should bring that up or just see, cause the court may order less.... but I want to be "fair" but most important is looking after my daughters emotional welfare....
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- Personal Stories Page on the SSN website is back -- Sam (Admin), 13:41:01 09/11/07 Tue
On the Main SSN website, you can click on "Personal Stories" on the left and access a page that provides links to actual stories of people who found SSN in the past. It is divided into two sections.
"You Are Not Alone" contains stories of straight spouses who, for the most part, chose not to remain with their spouse or were not given a choice.
"Out Together" contains stories of couples who have chosen to remain together.
The compilation as a whole shows a good cross section of the many different experiences and outcomes of those who find themselves in Mixed Orientation relationships.
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- Please give advice to 21 year old gay man -- John, 09:44:12 06/19/07 Tue
Hi,
I'm 21 years old and after trying to change my orientation for four years, I really thought it was working. And that one day I would be able to marry a girl and have kids like I've always visualized.
All of that came crashing down a year and a half ago when I stepped out of my comfort zone and realized I was still fully attracted to men. It was horrible. I spent the next year and a half in depression. Namely, despair. At one point I stopped washing my face and showering. I cut all of my friendships except two. I stopped being a productive member of society.
After talking to a gay man who is married to a straight woman (who kindly too him back after going on a gay sex rampage), and after the Ted Haggard and Jim McGreevey scandals, I decided I would never ever marry a woman if I was still sexually attracted to men. At all.
Do you guys have any advice for me? In general? I still very much dream of marrying a woman, and it still causes me depression realizing I can't change my orientation.
Somehow, I must learn to accept myself and not be victimized by reality. Help.
Gay/straight marriages do seem like trainwrecks. So do bisexual ones. I have been 95%/5% gay and straight, and then I have had periods where that's been reversed and I've only been 95%/5% straight and gay! I guess technically I am bisexual but realistically I am gay.
Do you guys have any advice for me, as far as relationships are concerned? I've never had a problem finding female suitors. I am the perfect man, except I'm gay.
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- The other side -- Siobhan ((sincerely)), 12:35:13 07/29/07 Sun
Dear Sam,
I am sorry to post here again. I mean that with all of my heart, but I feel I have to leave one last post. I will leave it up to you as to if you will allow others to read it and make up their own minds or turn it into something it was not ever meant to be.
To put it simply, there are two sides to every story. Mine was one that I doubted seriously would be understood. Sam, so very often I read a reply of yours in which it states that you are angry as you write it. Anger like that terrifies me. I grew up in a home with a very angry man. I never explained to you what happened because your anger scared me and I didn't think for one minute you would believe me. I felt you did not want to believe me. You scared me very much and left me many sleepless nights.
I did not post under aliases as you imply. You never asked what happened. You never asked for my side of the story. My husband was so angry at the posts between us and the two of you that he begged me to let it all go. I know he did write to you and tell you he was my husband (and he posted calling himself a spouse). He didn't write anything vile. He just wrote about being a openly bisexual man who loves his wife and family.
It was so long ago that this happened, yet you’re still writing about it in a reply to L. Here's what happened on my side. I met a woman online who was breaking up with her gay husband. She had no place to live so I let her stay with me. In the beginning, that was fine. She was confused though and started too drink heavily. I had other friends who were “straight” spouses too. One night, we read the forum and posted our own thoughts. Yes some of the posts were vile. Yes they came from one IP address, but they were not alias posts except for the fact that most of the women chose to not share their real name. I wish that I had never used my name. I think it was frustration turned to anger and I also think that everyone fed off of one another's emotions. Do I wish I'd stopped them? I can't really say yes or no. I do wish I'd never found this forum. I don't say that to be hurtful to you. I say that because it hurt me. I let it. I let it make me doubt something that I knew I shouldn't. That is my fault and my responsibility alone.
If you feel we attacked SSN, I am sorry. We did not attack. We asked for inclusion of our situations. We (and I) still believe that SSN does not support alternatives to divorce. All we wanted was to share our voice, but every time we did try we “felt” we were silenced.
You asked L, why we come to a support group if we are happy. Well I would assume that we come for the same reason that you do to help others to be happy. I would assume again that you’re now divorced and no longer in need of support for discovering your wife is a lesbian. Most of you sound like that is the past for you and you’re at the forum to tell how you got to a place where you’re “okay”. I would say that is the same thing that we were trying to do.
However, just as you become so angry whenever you feel someone is going against you or SSN my group of friends became angry when they felt our voices were being ignored, our feelings discounted or our fates predetermined.
Individual circumstances will determine our ultimate path. I find it sad that you are still so angry and I feel responsible. Please let it go. It’s not good for you. I don’t care about SSN at all anymore. I don’t want a voice there. In fact, as L wrote so well it was this situation that made me give up on ever trying to convince anyone I am happy or expect understanding at all. I don’t need that. I am still married to my bisexual husband. We have a child and are expecting another. My family is what matters to me now. I hope you find that type of happiness too.
I also don’t expect you to believe me about what happened with the posts. I never have and I never did think you would. I can only tell you it was what happened. You can believe me and let the past go or you can carry on with your own version of events. Either path is fine with me. I'm only trying to make some peace.
Please don't be concerned that I will start posting here again. My posting days are mostly past.
I wish everyone sincere happiness. I've tried to be EXTREMELY careful and unprejudiced in the writing of this message. I do not mean one word to offend, accuse, blame or judge. It is only my view of events and reasoning for not speaking up for sooooo long. Anything read between the lines was not intended.
Sincerely,
Siobhan
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- Did anyone leave spouse w/o knowing orientantion 'for sure'? -- Karen, 20:42:01 07/31/07 Tue
Hello,
Between the advice here (previous posts) and from friend and family, I'm coming to accept that my husband is most likely gay and it is in my best interest to find an attorney and start the divorce process. Has anyone else had to leave a relationship with only the suspicion or gut feeling that his or her spouse was gay, without him or her ever verbally admitting it? Is there anything to help with the closure or guilt of knowing you're the one 'giving up' by ending the marriage?
Thank you for your help,
Karen
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- Wife says she thinks she's bisexual -- Owen, 12:13:12 08/31/07 Fri
Monday night my wife of 26 years dropped the news that she thinks she is bisexual. She said she was telling me this because she has been having feelings of guilt. She tells me that she has just recently starting having feelings about a particular woman.
Apparently my wife was not expecting my reaction. She thought I might be accepting of her acting on these feelings. She tried to explain to me that she felt it wouldn't be cheating as it was with someone of the same gender. She said she would have no problems if I were to want to have a relationship with another man but not with another woman. To me this is a rationalization or justification for letting her have an affair. As I'm 100% heterosexual this basically meant that it would be ok for her to not be monogomous but not for me.
She said that she has not even had fantasies about sex with another woman but I know this to be a lie. I checked her computer and discovered she has been reading letters of womens encounters with other women.
She says she loves me and she wants to stay together. She says that she can be monogomous and not explore this area further. I don't know if I can believe her. The person she is interested in lives 120 miles away, where my wife works on a semi-weekly basis. I have no idea of what takes place while she is away, which she currently is.
Right now I'm going out of my mind. I don't know if I want to stay or go. I have seen a counselor. I told the counselor the truth that I've had thoughts of suicide. I lied to the counseler when she asked if I've thought of ways in which I could do it, which I have.
As you can tell I'm a wreck and have no idea where to go or what to do. I took the day off work and I can't seem to get myself interested in doing anything. Up until Monday night I was an avid woodworker and have a project to complete for a paying customer. I just can't seem to find the energy to get out of my computer chair.
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- First time here; looking for help with transgendered partner -- Clint (worried), 15:45:29 08/29/07 Wed
Hi, this is my first time on this board, and I'm looking for some help or advice or some insight. I am a 27-year-old straight male and I have been living with my partner, a transgendered (pre-op MTF) woman for about a year now. I love her deeply but I am very concerned about her; ever since she has started living with me, she has not left the house on her own once, ever; she is simply too terrified of the outside world to go out and do anything like have a job. The only time she will leave the house is when she is with me or her parents, who come down from out-of-state to visit her every few months. As such she has no way to support herself and all of her financial support comes from either myself or her parents. As I said I love her deeply but this situation is causing me a great deal of stress and I really don't know what to do to help her, she spends most of her time in her room on the computer. She is an extremely talented computer programmer and has done freelance software development work from home for several months, but has not had any luck getting any kind of a substantial living from any of it. She wants nothing more than to get going on her gender reassignment surgery and other such things so she can just live a normal life as a woman, but she doesn't seem to be having any luck using her skills and knowledge to earn the money she needs for it. If anyone has any advice or any useful information I would be extremely grateful, I really feel helpless here.
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- Trying to come to grips -- Nate (sad), 02:42:48 08/20/07 Mon
When my wife and I married 13 years ago, we were both openly bi. I had a preference for the opposite gender, she for the same gender, but we were in love with each othe rand that was all that mattered.. We connected on emotional, spiritual and dozens of other levels. We were a matched set and things, even when tough, were great.
Over the last few years, our intimate life became more and more irregular, infrequent and my wife made references as to her complete disinterest in intimacy. Last October she came out and told me that although she still loved me very deeply, she was completely uninterested in men altogether.
We have two children we are both devoted to, and she is comitted to keeping our family together, as am I.
We've tried to maintain physical relations, but they vary from awkward to hurt feelings and it is becoming more clear that we are growing incompatable with each other's phyical desires/needs.
We love each other very much. Communication is very open and clear between us. We want this to work. We want to maintain a stable household and family setting for our two children. As time goes on it's hard to see how we can make it work. At first I had a hard time imagining there could be other people in my same position. I'm looking for advice from people that have made it work. I'm looking for insight to see how we can make things better.
I know things are never going to be what they once were between me and my wife, but she still is my best friend, "my other half", my inspiration. I just want us to be happy and figure out how or if we can make this situation work for us and our kids.
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- My wife has come out as a lesbian -- Pete, 12:57:07 10/27/06 Fri
We have been married for over 25 years and have 3 great kids. Over the last 2 years my wife had a number of health issues and she got into lots of alternative treatments and thearapies. Stones and Reki being one of them.
We have always had sex although it has rarely been exciting. About a year ago she anounced that she liked women and she thought that it was at the root of her problems. In April I discovered that she ws seeing a girl who she met through an agency. She assured me they were just good friends. It now has come out that they are in the middle of a full blown relationship and regurlarly spend time together.
What do i do? We still love each other but I am slowly being torn apart. She wants to have all the benefits from our marraige but must have her partner. I feel humiliated, angry and cheated and my confidence has been shot to hell. She has come out to our childer and friends who all say we shoud seperate.
Answers on a postcard!
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- wife and I are splitting as she is in love with another female -- John, 14:45:54 08/14/07 Tue
I recently found out my wife has strong feelings for another female and it looks as though we a splitting. I do not want this as I am very much still in love with my wife.It seems I have neglected her over the last year and did not even realize it. I suspected something was going on and she just told me everything a couple of days ago.I can't understand it. nor can I understand why I am not mad and furious about. we have had talks in the last couple days that we should have been having all along.
And to make matters worse we are sleeping in the same bed still and hold each other at night. I told her I wanted to kiss her last night and she said i should of just did it. i'm very confused, can anybody help me with why i'm still feeling this way.
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- HI -- Mary, 07:18:41 08/11/07 Sat
Enjoy and learning more from the forum:) Thanks!
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- Gasping for air -- riverrat (numb), 02:03:14 08/02/07 Thu
I feel like I am the only person on the planet. I have been married for 24 years. We have 3 children, 20,l7 and 11. I have always struggled with my husband to open up to me, but thought it was because it was just the way he was...the typical opposites attracting: he's a left brainer and I'm a right brainer, so I'm the emotional one and he is Mr. Spock. I always thought we had a pretty good marriage. I have never kept any secrets from him, even when I was going through a supposed mid-life crisis and felt like I was falling in love with another man. He was very understanding and even said, "do what you have to do, I know you will come back to me." Of course, I never acted on my feelings and never physically cheated on him, but felt that the reason I was looking for "more" was because he kept holding a part of himself back. I could never get to his "core".
Our sex life was always pretty good. The only thing that kept it from being great was chronic infections on my part, but, again, he was very understanding and never got angry about it (thank heaven!) Finally getting that under control, we have enjoyed a rather imaginative and playful sex life. Then he said he would enjoy watching me with other men. I found this a little disturbing given the fact that I am bipolar. I am a flirter. I fantasize about men all the time. Encouraging me to "do" other men is not something that is in my best interest, given the fact that we live in a small town and we have three kids!
Then he dropped the bomb. He admitted that he is bisexual. I think I had my suspicions from the get-go, but didn't want to believe it. At any rate, he said that lately, he has been wanting to "go wild" but is afraid that if he does, he won't be able to stop. He said he is not as strong as I am (I guess meaning I didn't cheat).
It took a couple of days for it all to sink in. Now I feel like the sky is falling. I feel like I can't trust him and that he is lying to me about everything. I can't imagine getting divorced and I can't imagine staying in the marriage. And yet, he is a good husband and father.
I am devastated. Any feedback from those who have walked this path would be greatly appreciated.
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