- Missing Him -- Cherrie, 00:43:55 04/12/09 Sun
I sometimes just find that I miss him.
I remember driving to Indianapolis to visit his grandparents, singing out with Blondie on the radio, having a blast. And then I think about how he had to go techno when he "went gay". Why techno? I hate techno. Why does being gay mean you have to listen to that? Does coming out change your soul? Your musical heart?
And I remember how super conservative he was. How I was not permitted to speak of anything untoward sexually in front of our son. This was required of me, despite the fact that I was told by my own mother when I was 13 to "Masturbate, praise Jesus, but masturbate." Yet, he talks raunchy all the time now in front of our son. Sex is fun and natural and acceptable.
There are things, good and bad, that I miss about not ever having known the man that I loved.
I miss him. Yet, in a sense, what I miss most is not ever having known him at all.
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- Re: My wife3 came out badly -- Kev (Under repair.), 16:14:17 04/22/09 Wed
Hi
Thanks for your support.
I met her yesterday, wanted to tell her I wasnt angry anymore. Had a LONG talk. AND GUESS WHAT. There was NO affair last year. She had told me that there was in order to make me angry. She thought that if I was angry I would stop being hurt and get over her more quickly. Tho she doesnt love me, she did care about how I felt and wants me to be happy.
We parted in friendship (tho we cant be friends).
I still Love her, and will miss her. This has reduced the redirected anger considerably. I do wonder (hope) that this is a mid life crisis, but every MLC reference on the net refers to accepting, developing and coming out. Some of them seem to be downright brainwashing techniques to tell them how hetrosexuality has suppressed their true feelings and how to overcome this!!
I need to accept that she is lost to me and never coming back. They never do, Do They?
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- Is my husband gay? -- Michelle, 02:23:23 04/12/09 Sun
I have been with my husband for five years. Sex has never been romantic or intimate. He will kiss me some and doesn't have a problem going down on me, but really just wants to get it over with. He blames this on all of the one night stands he had before we got married (all to women). He said he sees having sex as a way to conquer and that he expresses his love for me through cuddling and holding hands. He is VERY loving and will kiss me all the time as long but I never feel passion in our love life. Recently I found porn on our computer. I have found it in the past, but this time I found a gay link. There were a few videos of two men and a woman and one site of a guy all alone. To his credit, I found about 20 sites with girl on girl action. I confronted him about the gay sites and he says that every now and then he will look at it because it is "dirty" and something "different" but 99% of the time he likes looking at women or straight porn. He recently admitted to me that one night 15 years ago he was in college and walking home from a bar. He was really drunk and a guy pulled over and offered him a ride home. He got in the car and the man offered him money for sex. My husband said no but then the guy offered him money if he would masturbate in front of him. My husband agreed as long as there was no touching and for a substantial amount of money. This made me furious, but he feels like I am over reacting. He said it made him feel weird and that he has never and would never do something like that again. I just think a straight man would have punched the guy for asking something like that, not bargain with him. I don't know what to do. He swears that he's not gay and that he loves me more than anything. I am still young and don't want to waste a good portion of my life with someone only to wake up one day and find out that he really is gay. On the other hand, I don't want to throw away a great relationship on a hunch.
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- Where does the truth lie? -- Ofelia, 19:18:19 04/14/09 Tue
I have been married to my husband for 7 years. Were engaged for 2 years and lived together through the engagement. When I was pregnant with my first son, 5 years ago, I discovered a gay porn video. I confronted my husband about it and he said it was a free video that he got from a site when he oreder some other things back when he was still single. I asked at that time if he was gay. He assured me he was not. A few months ago I found a porn site on our computer search history and when I went to it, it was again gay porn. Now this site does have straight porn as well, but the page that opened up was a gay porn page. I again confronted him and he said he was just curious and that he had looked at the straight porn as well. This is where it gets really difficult for me. Two weeks ago he went out for happy hour after work and something just didn't feel right. After he fell asleep, I looked through his internet history on his blackberry and found that he had set up a hotmail account and was corresponding with other men and had actually met with one that night. Once again I confronted him and with the evidence in hand, he had no choice but to finally admit what he had done. He claims it was only touching and not intercourse. I found another email yesterday where the other party commented on what they did and according to this there was intercourse involved.
I don't know that what truly transpired matters. He solicited a man, met him and was intimate with him. He claims that he is not gay. That what transpired was a one time deal and that it is over. Is that possible? If he isn't gay, then why did he do this?
I thought we had a great marriage and he says that we do. If that is the case, why did this happen and am I setting myself up for more heartache if I stay?
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- recalling the past -- Anna (remembering), 08:12:48 04/06/09 Mon
Hello again
I belive my story has been pushed out into cyberoblivion at this point, the site only keeping 5 pages of archive, but for those who remember me, -Hello.
I... Sort of fell in to this mood the other day.
Much has happened lately, lost my job, being depressed, the annavercery of my sons premature birth/death coming up.
Anyway.
I started thinking about my partners sexuality again.
I know for a fact now he is not completly straight.
He has admitted to a "slight bisexuality" after years of his denying and my searching, prodding, discovering films, websites and so on.
I have sort of accepted this and kept on going with my life.
Shoving my own good away, keeping up appearances so to speak.
I felt I had not much choice, being economically dependant and quite comfortable living with this man that is very much an ideal lifepartner.
If you do not want sex or feeling loved that is.
He did go to see a counseller twice, the thind appointment he missed, and has not resceduled. AND he has not mentioned anything about gayness to her..
Yesterday I took a look at the evidence I have saved, my letters I wrote him, recalling the answers I got from him and realized something.
The dates on the recieps from diffrerent companies providing gay material vary a great deal.
I had not noticed before, in my anger, that the span of years on those papers are significant.
he has known for a loooong time what attracts him despite the fact that he claims to "just tried it out for a short while".
That was an added lie to my list of his sins.
That little thing made me fall back to square 1. It took me a year or so to get comfy again, and 5 minutes to tumble down to bottom.
Anyway. I have plans to go studying in another part of the country this fall, and am at the moment prepairing by studying up my maths degree. I do not know if I will get in to this school but I am trying.
That means I will be moving out of here this late summer.
The funny thing is... he has not said anything about it. Like he does not care.
Whats up with that? He who has been so determined to keep us together, with covering up an lying and telling me he loves me every day.
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- A youtube movie -- Anna, 15:37:42 02/24/09 Tue
I found this on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TWIXXfU7ZA&feature=related
I thought I'd share it with those of you that have not seen it yet.
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- he is making me crazy -- amy, 09:15:47 03/22/09 Sun
I woke up this morning at 5 after having one of the worst nightmares of my life. It involved his denials and ommissions, his sister and my daughter. I started to cry. Hearing his snoring from the living room.....I woke him up and asked him to tell me again (he "loves" explaining things to me) about his homosexual fantasies and computer chats. WELL.....he described straight porn stuff (looking at women) and sort of talking to the guys (who are with their wives on these chat lines)???? I think he says their bi....anyway he makes it sound sooooooooooo straight so I guess I overreacted because when I said "What you are describing is Straight porn" he just starred at me. So the past couple of months of my accusations have been too harsh and unfounded. Even though there is a history of his talking "SEX talking" to men in the past this has been a mistake. Oh I forgot to say that when I caught him talking to those men on the phone 20- years ago it was about asking how they are having sex with their wives. This he just told me yesterday, but of coarse I forgot that he told me that. See I guess I am insane after all.
In my dream his sister (who is also a liar) - comes to our house to try to get to the truth. He tells her that he loves women and she believes him. She says that if he loves women....it must be my fault that he doesn't find me good enough to have sex with. I am a bitch of coarse for calling him bi and all. She proceeds to tell my daughter that I'm a bad mom and that she would take care of her. Since her father has always denied the truth to her she believes my sister-in -law and leaves me crying while they whisper to each other.
I cannot tell you (or maybe now you know) how messed up this is making me.
My make believe husband has never been a passionate man on any level (except when it comes to money) so when i cry, accuse, have a tantrum, scream, throw....etc. he stays calm and without any emotion says "why are you so angry?" AND "This again".
As I am witing this I am crying...he is sleeping. Of coarse I believe he doens't hear me crying or he'd be here comforting me. THIS MAN IN THE NEXT ROOM IS AS COLD AS ICE.....HELP ME. I AM LOSING EVERYTHING.
I just had to get this out.
I've asked for a divorce a thousand times and he accuses me of not caring for our kids. One in college and one going next year. He says they will not be able to go to college if we get divorced. He says they will have no where to come home to. He lays so much guilt on me.
You see...we have a bad marriage...gay or not this quy is not healthy for me.
He says he will pay for my masters...but we have to stay married for that...(I don't believe that he will pay I believe he is just buying time - not sure why). What do I do????????????? I am 53 years old.
I have good days and bad days...more bad. I think about homosexuals 24/7. I need to get past this. If only he were honest i would have some resolve.
Thank you for being here for me....I wish this site was here 20 years ago so he could not have lied/denied his way out of the gay phone calls....oh i mean bi. I feel like a fool. I am a fool for still being here!!!!
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- Gay and Promiscuous -- Claire, 17:42:39 02/23/09 Mon
My husband and I have been married for 35 years, and the last 5 have been sex-less. He's had problems with ED and tried the various drugs like Viagra and Cialis. I told him I understood and I just accepted his lack of initiating sex as a sign he didn't want to try and fail.
Then I found condoms, lube and cock rings in his nightstand drawer and my concern was he was having an affair with another woman. I had to proof and convinced myself these were just for masturbation purposes.
About 6 weeks ago he left his email open on his computer and when I went to use it to enter banking info into Quicken, I saw an email from another man. I clicked open a few more emails and realized these were all of a sexual nature. Then many things began to fall into place.
He's been "working" quite late, comes home from ball practice and he's not sweaty, gets lots and lots of text messages and had our doctor prescribe him daily Cialis.
Three weeks ago he was out of town on business and after a little experimentation, I was able to get into his email account. That led me to two different online gay hook-up sites. On one, he'd changed his location from our home town to the town where he was on business. I created a fake email account and got a free account on the site and initiated contact with him. A couple innuendo-filled emails later he agreed to meet me at a coffee shop and then bring me back to his hotel for sex.
Since he's been home, I've created two more personas, set up meetings at local coffee shops and then parked at a nearby restaurant and watched him wait for his non-existant "date."
I have copies of emails, screen captures of his account info which includes very obviously identifying photos and a copy of his credit card bill with the charge for the gay hook-up site.
I am hurt and angry and betrayed. He admitted to one of my personas that he's had homosexual urges since before he was married but because of being raised in a strict conservative Christian home, there was no way he could come out as a homosexual. He buried the urges until 3 years ago when he began acting on them.
Divorce would bring all this out in the open, and I hate to think of the embarrassment it would cause our children and my daughter-in-law, not to mention my parents and siblings and all our friends. I believe I could deal with my own embarrassment, but these other people do not deserve this.
I also believe divorce would reward him and punish me. He'd be free to screw anything with a Y chromosome and I'd be left with little earning power (have always been a stay at home mother and wife) and 8 years away from retirement age in a terrible economy. We have a comfortable lifestyle and selfish as it sounds, I don't want to lose it because my husband is promiscuous.
I don't know whether to confront him with my knowledge, to just ignore it and hope he doesn't hook up with someone underage or someone who shows up with a gun and robs him, or to find a lawyer first (paying a retainer would be a problem because my finances come mostly from him and a large withdrawal or payment would be very obvious and prompt questions from him) and hammer out some sort of plan before I let him know about his activities.
Suggestions anyone? I'm still fairly numb. I know I possess information that could wield tremendous power over him. If his family found out, the repercussions would be drastic. He's in charge of his elderly father's finances and has power of attorney for him. His siblings have fought him over this for several years. If they were to learn of his homosexuality plus his promiscuous behavior, they have him in court to challenge his fitness to control their father's finances faster than you can snap your fingers.
But power tends to corrupt, and at heart I'm not a mean or vindictive person. I just wish I could wake up and find this was all a dream. That's not possible, but I just don't know which way to turn right now.
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- I'm scared that my boyfriend is gay. -- Christina (confused), 20:10:38 02/22/09 Sun
I have been with my boyfriend for a few months but can say that we are deeply in love. He seemed like the perfect guy because he is so thoughtful and sensitive. But now I am horrified that those traits might actually be warning signs.
Today he told me that he once participated in homosexual activity whenever he was younger (teenage years). It was a one time thing and he has promised me that he isn't gay. He also promised that he would never leave me for anyone..man or woman. He also argued that he couldn't be gay because he has proven his physical attraction to me many times. But I don't feel better. I want to be smart about this and go in with my eyes wide open.
Should I be concerned?
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- HELP I DON'T UNDERSTAND -- Maggie Girl (Sad), 06:53:50 03/30/09 Mon
I don't know where to start this is my story. In 2004 I attended a Straight Spouse connection meeting I found everyone very supportive. At the time I was in therapy with my husband about his sexuality. He promised me that he would stop going on line and it was only a fantasy.The therapist assured me he was commited to a straight marriage. For 18 months after we had the greatest sex life and the intamcy was back in our marraige.
Then the super critism and screaming at me about everything I did. Everything I did was wrong. The intamacy went away he started getting depressed again. During that time we were planning one of our children's wedding and life was hectic.
After the wedding he began to detach from me in everyway I began drinking more to dull the pain. In September I stopped drinking and got into therapy. I began to get stronger he got nastier. In December he told me he was going into therapy to figure out his life. I was convinced he was involved with a man.
Well the shocker came February 1st he told me that the marriage was over he was in love with another women. Well after many conversations he told me he had been in a serious relationship with a man for 1 1/2 years and that relationship is now over except they remain good friends. He insist they are just friends and he has met a women that he is in love with. Who unlike me she understands his sexuality. I am besides my self I would understand if he left me for a man. Is this women an escape for who he really is. He told me his gay feelings are gone and she did that for him. I need some input I am besides myself.
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- is my husband a gay? -- Pomy, 04:53:01 03/27/09 Fri
hi,my name is pomy.i got married juz 3 months back.it was a family arranged marriage and me and my husband stayed engaged for 2 years but since he lived in a different country and we had never seen each other or met each other but through pics,he never talked to me during this engagement period.
now that we are married,he seemed v,happy at the wedding night,shared alot with me,told me what he expects from me being a wife,initiated the sex and kind of enjoyed it alot.he was happy the next morning too and then only for a couple of more days he had sex and he touched or kissed me.
and then all of a sudden he seemed 'turned off' and when i asked whats wrong he said he is not comfortable in the new setting of this country...he didnt use to eat well,use to hardly have any meal all day long,and was never physically interested in me again.when i use to ask him wahts wrong,he said nothing,he said its not this that he doesnt likes me but he needs some time....and i shud not push him into things.he was always away wid him friends and yold me i am very demanding..the moment he hits the pillow he is off to sleep ,and all nyt long no matter how much i use to seduce him,he was never turned on.
now he has left to his own country and he hardly calls me from there.when i call him he likes it and talks to me in a good manner,but otherwise he says he is too buzy wid alot of things...
he is very fond of going to gym and having massages from there and apparently does not seems in any girl at all...
is he a gay or a bi-sex? and if he is then what should i do about it?i am a muslim and i love him coz he is my husband....but i am v.demanding when it comes to romance as i am a very romantic person my self.....but he says he is not the type and doesnt like all this lovey-dovey stuff,,,
guide me what should i do about it.... i want to save our marriage at every cost as i dont have any other option...but at the same time this idea of his being gay is killing me.....need help...can any one plz answer my queries and suggest me what should i do? even if his orientation is not straight can i by any chance make him straight by seducing him and giving him my time,care and love,?plz help
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- he says he will stop doing it -- anna, 21:37:28 03/08/09 Sun
I found this site by chance and i feel hugely relieved that there are others out there as hurt, angry and confused as me.
My partner of 17 years has always been very manly but just recently i started to find cd and tg porn on our pc.
I asked him about it but he said he had downloaded it by mistake and deleted it right away.
A few days later i found it again so decided to explore further, i found he had joined gay sites where they web cam each other doing very rude things.
He had joined this using a different email and i managed to hack into his account to see what was what.
He had been masturbating on web cam with other men and had also met with a man and a woman, where all three of them were cross dressing being sexual explicit and taking photos (which were in an email attachment.)
I confronted him and he refused to discuss it at first but now says it was all a one of and that it wasnt the experience he thought it was going to be.
In the photo he was wearing my underwear and i think he has been doing it for sometime.
He wants me to understand and talk about it but i cant.
i am so angry, hurt and confused and i feel that the last 17 years of my life have been a lie.
I want him to go but he wont he just cries and says sorry......god its killing me and i cant take anymore....i dont know what to do. my poor children i feel so bad for making there daddy leave.
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- An old boyfriend from the past -- Liz, 15:23:57 03/02/09 Mon
Out of the blue, an old boyfriend e-mailed me. We dated in high school and he found my name and e-mail through a mutual friend from school. So last week he e-mailed me and we have been e-mailing each other and even talked on the phone.
I was his first girlfriend and the first girl he kissed and he's remembered me all those years and even told me he remembered me as such a pretty girl. After high school he went to Stanford and graduated there and then went on to get a law degree.
I've been so against meeting men but I have to tell all of you that it was so nice to receive a blast from the past. I remember him as a shy, sweet and awkward boy but when I talked with him he sounded like a confident man and yet the same kind sweetness came across.
If nothing else I am rediscovering an old friend and who (or whom?)of us doesn't need more friends.
Liz
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- is he gay or is it something else? -- Maria, 18:51:29 03/09/09 Mon
I’m hoping you can give me some advice as to whether my ex husband is/might be gay. This is now an old story but it still affects my life and although I have moved forward in many ways, in some ways I’m stuck. I have no hope of an answer from my ex but my partner wants to marry me and I can’t while I live in this limbo. Also my ex has recently reappeared in an odd way in my line of sight and it is unsettling.
When we met 25 years ago he was an outgoing happy chappy and often laughed. I was a devout 20 year old Catholic girl, he was 26 a nominal Catholic only. I was a virgin, he also said he was except he did admit to one sexual “experience” in his teens, about which he would give no details except to say I would not believe him if he told me. He was happy to remain chaste before marriage and to use natural family planning after.
We bought a house after we became engaged but a few short weeks before we got married we discovered major structural problems with it and also it was built without approvals. This might not sound like much now but it had massive repercussions. We struggled 3 years to get a resolution, the first 3 years of our marriage. The house was dangerous to live in, the financier would not suspend the repayments, the county wiped their hands of it (not their fault) and the lawyers all shook their heads (and where were we going to get the money from to mount a case anyway?). I tell you this as it is vitally important.
The stress of the situation with the house had enormous repercussions. His health was affected but worse was to come. He could not achieve penetration when we tried to have sex. Actually right from the beginning he wasn’t really interested in sex anyway. He did get erections but often didn’t come. We went for over a year before the marriage was consummated. I am a fool, I should have gone for an annulment then but I was committed to the marriage and all the problems were because of the house, right? I didn’t tell anyone and even now hardly anyone knows.
After the situation with the house was resolved we never recovered. Sex was infrequent and unsatisfying. He did not like my naked body and could not look at me, in particular my pubic hair and other body hair offended him. I remember him covering up my body on occasions when we were trying to have sex. He did not like sex in any sort of light – day light or with lights on at night. He had strong views on what constituted ‘feminine’ women and these views became more extreme as time wore on. Curly hair was unfeminine and long straight preferably blonde hair was feminine (I have short thick wavy dark hair and wonder why he was attracted to me). He wanted me slim and no sign of curves.
He also wanted a stay-at-home wife (we had no children), with no telephone, no car, and was opposed to me going to college (as someone might be watching the house to break in and a weekly routine would make it easy for them). I was a token wife – he wanted ‘a wife’ but not to bother having to relate to me. He wanted people to know he had a wife but kept me isolated and constantly anxious about pleasing him. He did once admit to me that he thought I would never leave him because I’m Catholic. He was obsessive about a lot of things in the house too, a real control freak.
All the time I thought this was a carry over from what had happened with the house. He never recovered to be happy again. He remained morose, withdrawn and quiet. Always I felt there was some piece of information missing, something that if only I knew what it was I could fix it and things would be alright. But I never knew what it was. One day we had a fight at the front door and he said he knew he had problems and wanted me to help him with them. I said he needed professional help and I couldn’t help him. I thought it was prolonged depression over the house but now I wonder.
Several times he would tell me how he’d met a feminine woman at work. These women all had the same profile. Late 20s/early 30s, slim, with 2 or 3 little children and some man had done her wrong. I figured he was recreating his childhood when his father was abusive to his mother and him and his brothers. I never felt his interest in these women was sexual, he would do odd jobs at their home once or twice and I’d hear no more about them. One of my friends later told me she felt he was potentially sexually violent to women but I never felt that.
I had asked him to have counseling a number of times but no resolution, somehow everything was always my fault, if I spent less time visiting my family (it was only once a week), less time studying, dressed more feminine etc, things were supposed to improve but they never did.
I started receiving private counseling at the 11 year mark as I was at my wits end. The counsellor asked me to journal. Several years later I found that journal and I had recorded a number of incidents where he was basically manipulating me those last few months into leaving him. For example, he told me if I left to go to another city to study that would be Ok, but not Ok if I stayed here because then people would know I had left because I was unhappy with him. He was focused on how the lawyers would get the money if we fought over property and what would people think if we split? He wanted me out as he wanted the house, and the victim status.
At the 11 ˝ year mark I told him I was leaving. He was upset. He was so upset he found me a unit the next day, moved me out on the Saturday morning and then spent the rest of the day going around seeing everyone he knew (inc. my family) crying about how upset he was that I had left him. Then he turned up Sunday morning and demanded my housekey back. Notice he never suggested counseling. I was still in shock and carried Catholic guilt for years afterwards about how I’d left him, although I felt he left me years before but never had the decency to move out of the house.
I never explained much to anyone but a few close friends, not to my family as I never know if I can trust them. By the last stage I suspected he was gay but had no reason to think that, just no other reason that I could think of that explained what had happened. I could understand sexual dysfunction during the house saga but for so long after? To the best of my knowledge he has never come out and never re-partnered.
Over the following few years I kept hearing stories from people who knew him or met him, and often people volunteered that they thought he was gay. There were a series of stories of how he was targeting, almost stalking, teenage girls. He would get a set on one girl, late teens usually, and start turning up where she worked, cornering her, monopolizing her time. Eventually someone, her boss or her father, would have to chat him about it before he’d leave her alone. This happened with several young women all over town, identical stories, over a number of years. Always people use the word ‘creepy’ to describe him.
He also targeted my eldest and middle nieces (mid teens/now early 20s) for the same treatment. My BIL chatted him about it a couple of times (they never got on) but all he said was You can’t stop me. Even the girls told him off but still any chance he gets he targets them. Not my nephew though who’s between the girls in age.
A few months ago he started turning up at the gym we attend with a 15 year old blonde girl. Turns out all the staff think he’s ‘creepy’, the girl is not a member of his family and the general feeling was he is in a relationship with this girl. I found this much out as I thought he was trying to corner me a couple of times so I raised my concerns with the gym manager, who then told me more than he should.
Then I found out the girl’s mother had phoned my mother. This is a town of 100,000 but somehow the woman had tracked my mother down. Mom would not tell me what they talked about, just that they talked for a long time and discussed my marriage to him. I do not get into tugs of war with my mom anymore, I just wonder what she could have said since I did not tell her much. Apparently the girl’s mother is pretty upset but is afraid of losing her daughter if she makes a fuss.
I have wondered lately why my ex would stay here all these years with no family and few friends. This is my home town, his is 3 hours drive to the north. Perhaps he has had a secret relationship here all the time? My brother has observed that a 50 year old man does not openly have a relationship with a 15 year old girl in our society so you have to wonder what he is trying to conceal, that an almost pedophile relationship is considered preferable in public. Has he been shopping for another young naďve wife in the hope of providing respectability and stopping the rumors?
I’m getting angry lately, that I and my nieces and these other young women should have to protect and defend ourselves from the depredations of men who may be gay and looking to use us in ways neither the feminists nor the churches ever think to warn us about. What did I do wrong, how would you know if you’re being lied to? Why would anyone even suspect their spouse is gay?
I’m sorry if I have overwhelmed you with information. I don’t want to sound insensitive but really I envy those who know their husband or ex is gay. I struggle as I don’t know and have never known - is he gay, a pedophile, has he low self-esteem or some dysfunction, what is it? So can anyone tell me if he sounds gay? or should I look elsewhere for an explanation?
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- Wishing I didn't know the truth -- Theresa (Devastated), 14:18:06 03/08/09 Sun
First off I don't really mean that I wish I didn't know the truth. I just wish I could change the reality of the truth. My husband of 28 years disclosed to me on 1/5/09 that he is gay. We are best friends and I am devastated. Our sex life has never been good. The last 5 years it has been non existent. In reading others stories I must say I am glad that he hasn't acted out on his homosexual feelings. I don't have to worry about AIDS or any other STD'S but the pain is unbearable. I have battled with depression for years and as bad as things got I knew I would never act on any suicidal tendencies because of my children. Well the pain got to be to much too bear and on 2/23/09 I decided to attempt to take my life. It was unsuccessful (obviously) but I still feel like there is no purpose for me with out my spouse. We are working together to try to help each other through this ordeal. We want to remain friends, as friends is what we have always been through thick and thin. I feel all of the feelings that I know everyone else does when they first go through this. For me the worst is betrayal and anger, if he was my friend how come he couldn't come to me with this problem? He says he didn't want to hurt me, but that was the eventual outcome. He has started going out with other gay males and we are still living together until we are able to financially get separate places to live. I have told him to do this because he has never faced his homosexuality, and with the marriage being over, I want to be there for him as he starts to go through the whole coming out process. He is also supportive of my needs as a sraight spouse. I attended my 1st PFLAG meeting last month and will be going to my 2nd one today. I don't drive at the present time due to a medical condition so he takes me to the meetings and has been taking me to the library and bookstore because I have been trying to get my hands on anything I can find out about this issue.He also encourages me to go out with friends I feel comfortable with. So far that is only one friend but that has been helpful. He encourages me st start a new life for me and insists I will be happier. He insists if I live for me and not others I will find someone else someday and that I have a lot to offer another man. I of course don't want another man. My anger at him for going out with other gay males is horrible. I tell him to do it and when he comes home I'm furious. I feel torn apart my head knows this is just the way it has to be and homosexuality is not a choice. My heart has been doing everything possible to figure out a way to make this not be true. Trying to think of any and all scenarios that wil make it so we can stay together. I even told him that I would stay in a sexless marriage and support him going out and having a separate gay life. He gently explained to me that wouldn't work and ultimately, he said I deserve much more than that. With much reading and trying to work on "ME" I realize he is right but I just don't want to lose him. So I know I have a long road ahead of me and I am glad I found somewhere I can come to read others experiences and not feel so alone.
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- bi-sexual -- amy, 17:23:57 02/09/09 Mon
Is there really such a thing as bisexual and is the attraction equal.
I don't know if he's confessing to being bi only to cover-up his homosexuality.
Also if you don't act on it is it just fantasy????
Just wondering...trying to wrap my mind around this.
His fantasy is two guys and a girl.
Thanks, amy
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- needing direction -- jan (feeling alone and confused), 22:51:13 02/25/09 Wed
I just found out that my husband of 15 years has been having relations with a man for the last 3 years. My husband and I have always been very open with our communication and I knew that he was attracted to men but very much in love with me. I was aware of this other relationship but not the extent of it. I thought we both had an understanding that this relationship wouldn't get physical. Everything else in our life works well..we love each other deeply, have 3 children together, run a business together..I can't see my life without him. Now I don't know what options I am left with. To leave him would mean giving up everything that I have worked for, everything that is important to me, giving up my best friend...and I know it kills him to see me hurting and knowing he did this to me. I am currently dealing with all the emotion that goes with finding out your spouse has been with someone else...the self-esteem issues...is there any way we can stay together and still make this work? Without losing myself? So that we are both fulfilled? Has anyone been in my situation and made it work?
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- Husband in religiously-rooted denial -- Arya, 14:34:22 02/15/09 Sun
I've waited patiently for 15 years for my husband to come to terms with his sexuality. I've suspected for all this time that he is not heterosexual to which he flat denies if the subject is even suggested. He doesn't think there is a problem so therapy has also been flat denied. I have no "proof" but he has all the classic "signs" and has zero reaction to me sexually. He tried for a few years and once kids came, he blamed them for his lack of desire/reaction. At some point, I just gave up on sexual activity and haven't brought the subject up in the hopes that he'd come to terms with it. I can't handle the rejection any more and so I've simply stopped approaching him that way. It's my impression that if I push the issue...that it could simply force him deeper into the closet, so I don't.
He is fully in denial based on his religious beliefs. I think that he is of the impression that if he "lives straight" that God will fix him. The fact that he's not been fixed has only served to make him angrier at God and obsess over his "image of the good Christian husband". He's also highly critical of how we appear as a couple and I'm just over it. His anger is so volatile that the instant a little thing agitates him, he's stomping around like a three-year old.
I love him and want to support him when he does come to terms with his sexuality but don't want to hate him before that happens. I realize that I have NO idea of the internal toil he's experiencing and I don't think he's ready to admit it. Maybe he is, but I'm afraid of what he'll do if I ask the question again. I think it would be unfair to divorce without being able to tell people the real reason because that would just be furthering the lie.
Any advice?
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