| Subject: OK OK Im here and I need to do something...NOW! |
Author:
Angel
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Date Posted: 02:13:44 09/24/04 Fri
Well Dreemy, I finally made it in here, never managed it before so I guess thats a step huh? Im glad that you have done sooooo well with your weightloss,real proud of ya lady!Dont get discouraged hun.You will get there.
OK so this is me and how I got to be the weight I am now,which I actually dont know in oundage at all cos its been awhile since I obsessed at weighing on scales and I wont do it again,so I am just gonna do it through measurements and how I feel,not by weight.
Well hmmmm not sure it has anything to do with it at all but when I was born I weighed 11 and a half pound, both my bro's were big babies too,one is still fairly chunky but the other is a scrawny bag o' bones,but he only weighed 10 pounds at birth *wink*
I stayed chunky through babyhood but when I was a young child I was pretty average in weight,taller than others of my age and that stayed the same all through school,as a young teen I wasnt fat, but at the same time I wasnt skinny either but even then I was having people comment on how fat I was,I went from one abusive relationship to another,where I was either physically,emotionally,verbally,mentally,sexually abused or all of the above. I was made to feel worthless and even in my slim days was told I was fat and ugly.
My mum always made me feel like crap and her and my grandmother would compare me to my totally perfect and slim cousin.
From the age of 13 I drank like a fish,I could drink anyone under the table no problem,consuming sometimes 20 pints of beer a night.Along with that I took drugs and ate crap food,didnt sleep much and also contemplated suicide many many times,but being too much of a coward I didnt(of course) go through with it.
At 17 during a drunken drugged up weekend I got pregnant, I knew my mum would lose it at me so didnt say anything at all about it. I kept it secret for what I thought was long enough,thinking that even if she found out at that point she would have to deal with it, unfortunately I was wrong, I should've lied a few weeks more, when my mum found out she went nuts,dragged me to the doctors and her and the doc decided between them what I was going to do, I had no say in the matter, when I protested at what they had planned I was told that I had no say,I was also told that as it was I would find it hard enough to get someone to take me let alone with a child in tow.So within a week, I was packed off to the mainland and given a termination.It broke my heart,if only I had kept quiet for 2 more weeks and I wouldnt have been able to have the procedure done and I couldve kept my baby.
All through this my weight started to go up,a month after my ordeal my mum moved me out of home,still deeply depressed about what I had done, I continued with the drink and drugs and the rest of the crap lifestyle. A couple of months later I was drunk in a pub and got together with a guy,he was drunk too but he took an interest in me, my mum was wrong...unfortunately I found myself in another bad relationship,this person was Dog. We spent the first part of the relationship drinking,and this didnt stop until a few months after that when I fell down the stairs in the place where we were living.I had been sooooooooo drunk that I couldnt get up straight away. Anyway two days later I had a doctors appointment where I found out I was pregnant again. The thought that I could've lost another baby due to my stupidity kicked me into reality, I didnt touch another drink or smoke anything from that day on.Dogs drinking continued and when I was about 6 months pregnant I was hit in the stomach by dog, I should've left him then but I was getting more and more scared of him.He stopped drinking briefly after a stint in psych hospital when I was carrying Kai but that didnt last for long,it got worse, along with his moods.I began eating more and more, I dont really know the reason behind it,maybe it was my way of putting up a shield I dont know.I was with dog for 16 years during which I was put through various forms of abuse, I had two children and everyone we knew thought that dog was a perfect father/partner.They said how lucky I was too have him and mum said that its a good job I had him because he was my only chance.
My eating habits deteriorated,I was binge eating,and making myself throw up,my throat hurt sooooooo much and my weight wouldnt go down.I tried all the different diets too but I carried on the throwing up,everything I ate I brought back up again,I wanted to die but my kids kept me going
My weight continued to rise,this went on for 16 years until I got the nerve to finally get dog out,it was real hard because I knew that for one he wouldnt make it easy,and secondly I knew that no one would believe my side of things,luckily I was wrong with that part,yes I did lose friends cos they didnt beleive me but I now have some very wonderful friends online and off who I love dearly.
As you know I am now married to a wonderful Canadian Liam who traveeled thousands of miles to be with me and the kids.He loves me for me and he is a very gentle, caring man. He does'nt drink either which is a novelty,never had that before. I am incredibily happy now and I want to finally do something with my weight.There is so much I want to do in my life,places I want to go but my weigh is a serious problem, I know I weigh double what I should be but even losing half of that I would be happy with...I dont know how much I have messed up my metabolism but I know I cant ignore this anymore.
Im sorry I have waffled on too much but I thought I would spew all this so you knew where I was coming from.
Blessings
Angel
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