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Subject: I used the word NO


Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 11:54:16 12/14/06 Thu
 I can't believe I almost gave in. He called and left me a message that he completed step 1 in rehab. Well I called him back. Why? I can't really tell you why cause I don't get it myself. anyhow, I talked with his counselor and she said he used a couple of weeks ago and since then has really put in effort to the rehab. Assignments, opened up in group, etc, etc. 2 weeks clean and he wanted me to ask him over for Christmas eve and Christmas day. He said he was going to beg me in order for him to be able to be with us on the Holidays. I almost gave in. ALMOST! I went around and around with him on some issues regarding my son and what it does to him and what usually comes of his visits and how he breaks his promises after and has excuses and lies. Anyhow, he said he really wants to spend it with us and you know what? I told him that is all we ever wanted, but the difference between me and the boys and HIM was that we wanted to spend everyday of our life with him. Today, yesterday, last year, not just on special holidays. I was goinf ro meet with him and his counselor to go over some concerns I had about him not owning his own vehicle and how that always gets in the way of him making it to see his son. Well something clicked to me and I said you know what, this isn't a good idea. WHY? Because you do not respect us. I asked you not to contact us so that we can have a peaceful home here especially for the Holidays and you didn't respect what I wanted or what is best for your son. All you care about is what you wanted. I told him he is still being selfish and that he knows how to push my buttons and make me feel guilty. I said you know everytime you do this I feel guilty and think I must have done something to deserve this and if I don't let you come over I will be thinking about how I made you feel. Christmas will come and I will be thinking about you not being with your family. Well it's not going to happen. I cannot feel guilty because I didn;t do anything wrong here and there isn't any reason in the world that my boys and me deserve a life like you are offering. He said he didn't realize I felt guilty. Whatever, he knows what to say in order to get me to call him and to allow him to come. I finally said you know what? This is not a good idea. It's to soon and you have a ways to go to put others people's feelings first and respect and value those feelings. So no you cannot come on Christmas.
I cried my eyes out, called my mom and talked it out with her and I am so proud of my decision and the strength God gave me to stand up to this man and say NO. Of course it all sounded good but that would mean I would have to take time out of my busy schedule to cater and support him by seeing his counselor and creating a schedule for him to make visits after Christmas on a regular basis because I couldn't just let him come for Christmas and then not allow for continuous visits because my son would want to see him after that. Well i am not going to deal with that right now. It is way too soon and I do not want to see my son or me get hurt again. It isn't going to happen. 2 weeks clean is good for him, but it's still not enough time to stat making a commitment that you have never been able to make before. He cannot even commit to himself yet.
I am so proud of my strength here. WOW, that was really difficult.
Thanks for listening. Advice or comments please.
Thanks,
Heather
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Re: I used the word NOTR13:16:32 12/14/06 Thu

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