| Subject: Long response.thank you all for your support |
Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 09:21:42 08/21/06 Mon
In reply to:
Shari
's message, "Re: I feel so down" on 08:02:01 08/19/06 Sat
Thank you all for your responses. I tell you each time I allow this - I learn something new to help me. I wonder why I can't just pick it up all at once and apply it.
Anyhow- This time I did much better. I wasn't able to check my messages over the weekend but let me tell you how I handled it.
I took the Paxil Friday and Saturday thinking that it was me and I needed it. No I need it only if I am dealing with his abuse. Yes I figured that one out by myself.
So Thursday at 2am he called - I answered. He was talking so sweet about I wish I were there with you blah blah blah.. Well if he was clean and recovered and treating me 100% better you could be. He didn't like that. So Friday he called, Saturday I called him, and I was so down all day long. Sunday I had a change of attitude - I don't need this. I wouldn't let him come over after several attempts by him and Sunday was the only day he would have free. I told him NO. I will not confuse my children or myself again. So No you cannot come over. If you have something to say, say it over the phone. He wouldn't and left it at that. Sunday morning he called twice, finally leaving a message that he said he wanted to come over and talk today but since I'm not answering, give him a call when I get this message or whatever. His words. So I was able to reply to the message without talking to him and I just said that I am not interested in hearing what you have to say, You don't treat me the way I want and you don't care about my needs and I want a man in my life that cares about my needs and wants. We have nothing in common and it's about time to face that. He didn't give up he called again, but I wasn't home and if I was wouldn't answer anyways. I don't know what I was thinking by even engaging in conversation with him. The fact that he was telling me what I wanted to hear???? maybe, but as soon as I noticed the actions were lacking - I thought about it and came here and wrote. Then I had no way to get to read the answers until today so I called several friends and they talked to me. One of my friends said - you will figure it out. I know she did that because she didn't want to tell me what to do but to let my heart tell me what feels right and what doesn't feel right. My neighbor- oh no holding back. She told me just as you guys told me. And my ex father in law came by cause me missed church on Sunday. He talked to me. How did he know something was wrong? It shows on my face. Well later in the day he called and came and picked me and the boys up and took us out until late in the night. Boy did that take alot off my mind...we all had a good time. We all played video games and then went to eat. He is a recovering addict himself and he is clean 6 years. He still goes to AA or NA. He was doing it all for 22 years. He is a good man now. I remember I couldn't stand to be around him because he always needed something. Borrow money- car, a ride, etc,,, Not anymore. He has been back in our lives for the past few years and had to prove to me that he loved and respected my older son, his grand son and screwed up only once by not picking my son up, but I told him that if he says something - he is to do it when it concerns my son. He has been hurt enough by your family and I will not allow it. He respected that after a couple of weeks of being mad at me, but I stood my ground for my son and it worked. He is now the only man my son TJ has in his life. He is great to all of us. He is there for all of us even my little Spencer calls him grandpa. So anyways - I feel much better today - stopped taking the Paxil cause I know deep down I DO NOT NEED IT. I just need to stay away from Spencer. When I am able to stay sane and deal with him, I will know that I am over him or he is better. He is not working at getting better he actually thinks he is just fine because he is working now,but I know he is not ok.
I also know that he is not going to leave me alone and that is something I have to deal with. Changing my phoen numbers is showing him that he wins. I will not do that - I will build up more strength with God's help and just not speak with him. I know God is teaching me to stay strong because I pray all the time for God to take him out of my life while he is sick because of what it does to the kids and me - and I know God is letting me go through this so that I can toughen up. It is working! Thank you Jesus for the lessons.
Thank you all - please keep me and the boys in your prayers.
Heather
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