| Subject: Here I am w/the first start of 'mixed feelings' |
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neverending
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Date Posted: 20:10:38 07/01/06 Sat
ugh.
I have been separated since about April 3rd from my addict husband. I told him to leave again after a previous separation and divorce filing by myself. We had attempted reconcile after he had about 6months clean, then he started using w/in weeks of coming back to live here. He kept getting in deeper, after all of the lies of quitting, attempting to quit, etc., I asked him to leave April 3rd.
(his history with meth is a 22+ year user, last 4 years the needle)
He checked himself into a 28 day upon kickout(rehab #3 for him). He is presumably clean since then. I have not picked up on him being high around me. He's presumably back in the NA pretty strongly, got his job back after getting out of rehab.
I went back to the prior court orders as far as our children when he got out of this most recent rehab. The only difference is I have been the supervisor vs. before was a 'mutually agreeable person'. I did this because I felt it best for our two young children, and I felt no physical intimidation.
I think the problem it is causing is w/my emotions. I am not madly in love w/this man, as I have been thru so f'ing much I lost that. But I still care. And I'd lie if I said I couldn't love him again in the husband/wife way, but I have just been trying to move past that. I don't obsess, cry or anything over him. (until tonight I feel the misty eyes coming on) I feel myself very recently wondering if I called the divorce atty back too soon. But then I think "hey, he was clean 6 months b4 , had a decent state of mind, and picked up again when he got us back".
Our hearing in mid june was postponed til september due to my atty's father died the day b4 our status conference (to pick up where left off in the divorce thing from about this time last year). The atty she had show up for her on my behalf was way cool, and I went back to his office and filed for the child support to be heard/set in sept. as well. He is currently giving me 200 a week; this week 450 as I am hurting bad w/the mortgage and childcare etc etc., however I wanted the orders 'set in stone' and quite frankly know I would get more than 200 a week.
Maybe it is that I am lonely, I dunno. Quite frankly, I've had 2 beers tonight, maybe my emotions are going off (as I don't drink often).
We took the kids to six flags today and had a great time. They are so pooped w/out a nap today, I am presuming they are down for the night...anyhow...
he visits 3 days a week, as per court order. There have been mutually agreeable fluxuations in that, but as a rule, that's how it's been since may when he got out of rehab.
Our oldest, who'll be 4 in september, is confused. Our daughter, 2, goes w/the flow. Until recently, so has my son. BUt lately he is asking if Daddy can stay the night, telling me to give Daddy kiss bye, stuff like that. Maybe that is messing w/my thoughts, too. I am sure it is, as my kids, oh man, my wonderful children, the loves of my life.
I've already had him out,then back in, now out again, in their short lives. That's messed up in my mind.
On other hand, since he's been gone, I've lost 30 lbs , take better care of myself, my house, my everything. I know it's my 'fault', but I let myself go, and it feels good to grow out and paint my nails, fit in a 10 again, get 2nd looks from men and feel good about myself.
I just don't know. In the end, it's just all so f'ing sad.
thanks for listening,
Neverending
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