| Subject: To Hulalea and Others On Your Faith |
Author:
Mom of an addict
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Date Posted: 10:22:22 04/02/06 Sun
I come here everyday at least once a day and read all this heartbreak--in some strange way it helps ME to see others heartbreak. Is that sick? I don't wish this on anyone, believe me. I'm very in awe of your faith, and from your postings I gather you struggled to find it. My relationship with God had fallen by the wayside for many years. I was a "christian of convenience". At times I prayed to thank God for all that I had and of course prayed for help in times of distress. Been doing lots of that lately and I honestly feel that I'm getting reconnected with God and my faith but I'm still struggling and failing with it. I know it's the only thing that will get me through this. How do you just give it all to God? I try and try but can't just let go of it all. I blame myself because I didn't get my son baptised as a child or give him any background in religion that he may be able to fall back on now. I fear if he dies he has no hope of salvation. I want to find him at baptise him myself just so I can feel better! He and I have had talks about God before. He would never say he didn't believe in God, but he questioned "how does anyone know it's not just a story someone made up?" That always made me feel nauseous. At times I feel empowered and hopefull that God will find my son because my son won't be looking for him--only thinking of himself in his Meth Hell. I'm no stranger to drug addiction. Saw plenty of it when I was growing up---friends, a sister, and with both my kids. My daughter has had many relapses and has been doing great for about a year, although I still fear for her when she is stressed out----that's her trigger. I thank God for her success every day and pray she stays clean. But my son doesn't have moments in-between when he cleans-up. He's been into Crack and Meth for years. He's left his kids,moved away and now won't call his family even when he knows they want to talk to him. I've read the letter from an addict. I know my son and that could be him. He never could look at his son when he was using, or talk to me. He's cried and really wanted to stop, he knows he's hurt the people who love him and he hates himself. Hasn't even asked about his kids in a long time. I understand he's ashamed and I know he's gone, in part, so we won't have to see this hell. So back to my faith--sorry about the rant--I always ask God to help me let go-- give it to Him, and even though I know there's a good chance my son will never recover I ask God to keep him safe, help him find his way out and let him feel that I love him. Let him God--it's his only hope. I pray I can accept God's will, whatever the outcome. Recently while talking to God I told him I knew I didn't deserve to ask Him for anything, but I would give up my smokes just to be worthy of asking Him for anything. I didn't want to bargain--- just wanted to make an offering. Guess what I did today. Yep, went and bought a pack after only 3 days. How weak am I? Ciggs are nothing compared to Meth, and I can't even do this for God! Now I've failed in my offering to God and not feeling good about it. How did you get to the point of letting go, giving it to God? I know my faith is the answer. Why am I fighting it?
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