| Subject: Son is "Lost". A Mom's Blog |
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Distraught Mom
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Date Posted: 10:29:55 03/26/06 Sun
Maybe just need to unload.........Glad I ran across this site, yet sick the more I read. Really feeling helpless right now. My son has used drugs--pot and other things since grade school, despite anything I tried to persuade him to stop. He has 2 children. He and his girlfriend both began using crack about 3 or 4 years ago, although when she got pregnant with the second child she got clean and is doing great. He never did. They split up and he continued his downhill spiral. I admit I enabled him-trying to fix things, make opportunites happen that would give a reason to take a different path and I fell for alot "stories". I guess I was hopefully in denial. He was staying with me, not holding a job despite all my "help", then not even trying to work anymore; not attempting to talk to or see his kids. He never could look at them when he was high which was all the time. I know he was ashamed, but that wasn't enough to make him stop.I knew this had to stop for his sake, my sake, but most of all because of his kids. He was not only nonsupportive, but we live in a small town and I couldn't bear the thought of his kids having to be embarrassed by his actions and us not being able to see the kids for fear they would be around him. Yes, parents/grandparents do suffer from the actions of their kids. I got to where I couldn't watch it anymore. He was alienating himself from friends and family so I told him he couldn't stay here anymore. He made a phone call and told me he could stay with his half brother in AZ. So I got him packed and put him on a bus with some pocket money. of course that didn't even last until he got there, so I wired him more. I thought he was doing pretty well after he got there. He got a job, and a place to stay and I went to visit for a week. I knew he wasn't totally clean but if it was only pot, that was an improvement. I talked to him several times a day. That was always a good sign, when he was calling. He started to pay child support which made me very happy, so I wired money every once in a while for whatever the crisis was as long as he was supporting his kids. Then he lost his job, his apartment-----everything went to hell. I'm sure it was never as good as I hoped. When he lost his phone, I lost contact with him, although he always found a way to call for money and always had "crisis" of some sort that I usually justified in some way. As it turns out he graduated from crack to crystal. I knew things were not good and it's funny how a mom has a sense of trouble when it comes to her child, but I woke up one night in a panic and I knew something had happened. I called one of the few contact people I have out there and found out he was in jail-something about drugs. Of course nobody knew specifics. (they all cover for each other). He was desperate to get out. He called everybody, including family members he hadn't talked to in years hoping someone would bail him out. Nobody did. He plea-bargained for a lesser charge thinking he would get right out of jail. He ended up having to stay 2 or 3 weeks until sentencing. That was strike 2 and AZ has a 3-strike law for drugs. I was relieved that he was in there--I didn't have to worry for awhile. I got a letter from him. He was pretty down, admitted what he had been doing, was sorry he let me down. I know he was--His head was clearing. So I sent him a letter. 2 days of pouring-out my heart, trying to convince him he could clean things up if he wanted to and telling him we loved him. 10 pages to be exact along with $20. for commissary. He never got the letter; The jail returned it to me about 2 weeks after his release and he didn't know he had money on the books till he was released. But he called as soon as he got to a phone. Said he had to stay out of trouble or he would have to go to prison for 2 years if he messed up. He stayed in contact for awhile, still wanting $ off and on. When I really set the boundaries and said I wasn't sending any more $ he quit calling. I haven't heard from him since before Christmas. That's heartbreaking enough, but I know from other contacts that he's really in bad shape. Not obeying probation, into drugs bad, etc. They are saying we have to come and get him or he's going to die. He's living in a drug house. Some of his friends from here are thinking about going to get him, and I'm so confused. What do we do then? He has messes here, messes there and if he leaves that state he's in violation of probation. He has no insurance for rehab. What can we do? Have him arrested to get him away from the drugs? Who takes care of him if he comes back here? Me? I don't know if I can do it again. I'm at work all day, but I don't want him to die. What do we do?
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