Author:
Lance
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Date Posted: Sunday, December 29 2002, 10:19:20 GMT ( - 8 )
I don't know WHY you say things like that, Mitchell! I'm so....self depreciating and modest! Seriously! Can I help it if people just naturally worship the water that I walk on? Can I help it if I inspire hot,horny guys to write epic, extremely perverse fantasies about me? Do you honestly think I ENJOY this overwhelming adulation and attention from the unwashed masses?
It's the cross I bear....
Besides, you love me and you know it! I'm just this big overgrown puppy, jumping around all friendly and happy and cuddly and playful as hell! (Chewing up your houseplants, turning over the garbage, and pissing on your shoes! haha) I don't have vain bone in my incredibly hot body! HAHAHAAAAA!
OK - you be the judge - here are some excerpts from the story that have me convinced, its someone who knows me, perhaps worships from afar, writing a sizzling, highly perverse (whooo hooo) fantasy about moi. And I KNOW its NOT written by you, Mitchell cuz this guy is....well........literate!
: P
yuk yuk If you ever carried a torch for someone - you would literally light up a stick with an oil soaked rag and wave it around. HAHA! I kill me!
::Watches Mitchell wish to God Joshua would get back on line and talk to me so he can have some peace and quiet:::
Sorry Mitch, according to his last E-mail, he won't have internet access at his new house for at least another week so you're stuck with me. heh heh. Deal with it!
: P
OK- here's some of the descriptions that have me convinced this guy is writing about me.
"He shrugged, elaborately casual, and turned to look at himself in the mirror. He was talking tough, but there was tension vibrating in every line of his long, lean body"
huh? sound like me?? huh? huh? You damn right it does! And, there's more where that came from mister!
"There was that flash of defiance again, and temper."
You see!! Oh yeah, he knows me alright, I say...defiantly with a flash of temper! There is NO mistaking that this guy knows me and has a bad case of the hots for me.
"Being in a rock band was hard for anyone, especially someone as young as Lance. He had only just turned twenty two, and the temptations and stresses of the life he led were intense."
whoooo hoooo! That's right. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it! Poor little ole me.
You'll love this part....because its soooo true...
"He slowly began unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders and baring that gorgeous body. Lance is an artist's wet dream with his dark straight hair and flashing dark eyes framed by incredibly long lashes, smooth tan skin, broad shoulders and sculpted muscles tapering to a lean waist. I smiled a little as his body was revealed. He was still tense, just like he'd been all night during the show, muscles bunched and twisting under his smooth skin. All six feet of him, kneeling before me. It was an incredible sight."
actually I'm 6'3" but what the heck, he nailed the rest of it!! You see! What did I tell you! This is someone having a fantasy about MOI! God love him!
And this proves that he knows me!
"you were incredibly rude not only to the guitarist but to the sound man "
heh heh heh! Me??? Be rude to a guitarist or a sound guy! HAHAHA! I once got into a fist fight with one of my guitarists outside a club after a show and fired his ass after I knocked him flat. (He screwed up during the show and then shoved his girlfriend cuz he was mad. No one hits a girl when I'm around. I knocked him on his ass and fired him - and she broke up with him.)
And sound guys (the incompetent ones - the bastards) threaten to quit their jobs when I show up or at least insist on having a couple bouncers close by for bodily protection! HAHA! Seriously, there are shows where I have thrown down my guitar, leaped off the stage and gone for the soundguy! HAHA! And I have it all on video! heh heh. One time, when I was like 17 or 18, the camera was set up on a tri-pod in the sound booth (we always watch our shows and critique them - figure out changes, what works, what looks good, etc) and I came off the stage after the sound guy and he jumps up from the sound board and yells, "don't you come up here", and I am RIGHT THERE in front of the camera in a heart beat and he yells "Don't you get in my face" and I swear to God I said, "Then back the fuck up!" HAHAHAA AND HE DID! HAHA. And I go over to the board, fix whatever it was that he had fucked up, and go back on stage - and the guy - I swear to God - turns to the camera and flicks it off with both hands! HAHAA! My band laughed so hard over that tape when we saw it the first time. He FLICKS OFF THE CAMERA! (but not me! haha)
But there are a few sound guys who actually know how to do their jobs, who just love me.
There's this one sound guy at a club at this college where I play pretty often - his name is Swampy. Seriously, that's what he says his name is.
He's way overweight with plumber's cleavage when he bends over, practically toothless, middle aged, frizzy long hideous dark hair, he's hairy all over and covered with tattoos. He looks filthy. (kinda like that big hairy guy Hagrid in harry potter) And without a doubt, outside a studio, he's the best damn sound guy I ever met. I love him to death! - so whenever I play there I always give him props and yell things during the show like "I want to have your baby, Swampy!" and I swear to God he will blush! He's married with kids. So one night after closing, my band was sitting at the bar with the club owner and Swampy's there knocking back the free beers. It's real dark and quiet and we're just sitting around talking, our manager and the owner looking at a calendar booking future gigs, and Swampy is so stoned and drunk that he is just out of it. And at one point our manager is telling the owner what a great sound guy he has, and my drummer says, "Yeah, Lance wants to have Swampy's love child. Swampy, I think Lance wants your bod." and Swampy's so stoned he looks at me all blurry eyed and says to me all serious, "You wouldn't like it. I'd just lay there and sweat!" HAHAHA! Everone almost fell off their stools laughing. Ya gotta love the guy!
OK - another quote from this anonymous author:
"Lance is tall, but slim, and I took a moment to admire him. He hadn't filled out yet, still slightly coltish with his long slender legs, tiny hips, and flat belly. His shoulders were wide, but overall he gave the impression of youth and innocence. His face only reinforced it. We'd teased him that his face sold at least half of our records, at least the ones that went to teenaged girls, and it was probably true. It was still a little round and babyish, with a straight, handsome little nose, and his huge eyes and wide, vulnerable mouth made him look sweet. The wicked smirks he gave onstage just contrasted with that and made him even sexier.
You see! it IS about me! HAHAHAAA!! And I AM all innocent and wicked!
But this next statement is what really convinced me that this guy was writing a fantasy about ME.
ME!
ME!
ME!
"I stared at my reflection. My body was slim and boyish, standing tall and proud and easy. The solid silver collar and cuffs gleamed on my wists and throat and my eyes, lined with the black stuff we use on stage, looked huge and really dark and smoldering. "I look...so pretty like this," I said. I'd known I was hot before, a million groupies couldn't be wrong, but this was an entirely different feeling."Most gorgeous thing I've ever seen," he answered. "
You SEE!! YEAH BABY!! whoooo hooo! All modesty aside, there's no mistake, this was written about ME! So whoever you are, anonymous author...THANK YOU! I LOVE IT!
Mitchell,I don't know where all this talk of me having a big head is coming from! HAHA! As a matter of fact I'll have you know that I have groupies and fans who write poems and songs and create fan web sites and my poster graces many a dorm room ceiling. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.
: P
I just deal with it the best I can! heh heh
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I would respond to that if I understood it! WTF???? Where did you get condoms out of that???