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This board is for women who are suffering after an abortion, and want a place to express their pain and get support for healing.

This is a moderated board and personally abusive messages will not be approved.

For any questions about this board or for a free packet of healing information, email DCHERYL51@yahoo.comorCHERYL51@mail.com

For online resources Silent No More Awareness

Operation Outcry

Unplanned Pregnancy Message Board

Also here is my website: Post Abortion Help and Healing


Subject: I think I am making myself sick


Author:
Carrie
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 07:41:08 04/27/09 Mon
So this last weekend was the anniversary of when my boyfriend and I concieved the baby we aborted last year. I can't stop thinking about it and I think it has gotten to me so much that I am experiencing pregnancy like symptoms. Is that possible? I am in no way pregnant. I just got my period. Is this normal?

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Subject: im scared,,,


Author:
soft spoken (afraid)
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 02:15:07 04/25/09 Sat
I'm so scared idnt even no wat to do...I had sex wit my ex three days ago. Nd of coures we used a rubber. But it came off nd got stuck inside me. When I finally pushed it out it came out backwards...the circle part came out last...I wake up this morning extremly achey pain in my stomache nd thought nothing of it...I get to work nd I feel like I was gonna puke...but it dnt come out...my parents dnt even no I have sex....I'm 19yrs old nd my rents think I'm a lezbo....they find out about this...nd I can kiss my @$$ gud bye...my question is I no its called the morning after poill..but would it still work three days later?

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Subject: not sure where to go from here...


Author:
Carolyne
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 22:18:33 04/09/09 Thu
I got pregnant in late August of 2008. The father was my on again off again boyfriend. I was very reluctant to begin any kind of physical relationship with him, but he kept pushing it and sadly I gave in. After that he stopped talking to me completely, wouldn't return messages nothing. It's weird because I felt that part of me knew that I was pregnant. I took a test and it was positive. I was eighteen at the time and a student from a very conservative family. My father once told me that if I ever got pregnant he would kick me out. I always wanted a baby, and a few of my friends had even gotten pregnant and decided to keep it. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about my pregnancy though. When I finally got a chance to tell the father he told me that he didn't believe me and if I was telling the truth I couldn't keep it. I felt as if I didn't have a choice, nor did I really make one, I just made the appointment anyways. Afterward I felt so alone. I would have been due in May. Since then I still haven't told anyone about my abortion, this is the first time I have said anything. I still feel like I made a selfish mistake and am having a really hard time adjusting. If anyone has any advice or can identify please let me know.

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Subject: TO ALL:


Author:
Diane Cheryl
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 23:10:28 03/11/09 Wed
This is the best resource webpage that I have found with many helpful links and information.
http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org
Make sure to go to Resources for help after abortion.
Subject: grieving


Author:
Carol
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 20:36:01 02/27/09 Fri
I got back in contact with a former co-worker from 2006 last August. We really did not know each other. I only saw him briefly when he came to pick up his paycheck at that time. There were a lot of red flags with him and his family to begin with, but I never knew of these things until a few months back. He is 37 and still lives with his mother and 18 year old brother and works to support them. His mother is completely bedridden and his brother does not work or know how to drive. His mother is very controlling and manipulative of her sons,and tries to be with everyone, and always very judgmental towards people. They are not aware anymore of their problems and think that everyone else is the problem and they can do no wrong. They always have a victim mentality. I stupidly thought I wanted to be physical with him, and we were about three months. The first few weeks he always brought protection, then stopped. I did get some from a clinic but they weren't used each time and I got pregnant mid-October. I should have said no when he didn't bring protection. I had terrible nausea to begin with but it became worse and worse, to the point that I could not drink water or take prenatal vitamins, as I could not even keep them down, much less food. I began loosing weight and felt as though I was dying and was scared my physical condition would kill the baby or cause birth defects. I did complain a couple of times to my obstetrician, said I could not even get out of bed and could not even keep water down. He prescribed Phenergan, which did not work. Nothing they suggested I eat, etc. worked either. I was completely bedridden. I think I was dehydrated and malnourished. I guess I should have complained to the doctor more, but I was just barely existing at that point. When I was too sick to spend hours on the phone daily with the baby's grandmother(his mother)I next to never saw the baby's father and his mother stopped encouraging him to spend time with me as I was no longer under her control. I just realized this month I may have had undiagnosed hyperemesis gravidarum, which is rare in pregnant women and you can be hospitalized to treat that, but according to a nurse friend of mine there is no guarantee treatment will be successful and this condition can be fatal to the mother and child. I have read of cases in which the pregnancy was planned and the women got treatment for this condition, but ended up terminating their pregnancies.
I terminated my pregnancy a few days before Christmas, thinking I was having a therapeutic abortion. I have never been for abortion. Just the past two weeks or so I have started to wonder if this was a therapeutic abortion after all, if treatment would have worked in this case and if I and therefore the baby might not have died. My intent those three months was to put the baby up for adoption, as the baby's father decided he would take the child to live with him in the den and that they would bring the child over here sometimes. That is a very bad environment for any child, and I was told social services would never allow the child to live there. They also live in poverty and don't even have heat or air conditioning, but he decided he always wanted a child. They were obviously not thinking, as they could not even financially support the child, not to mention the bad living environment. My mother said he would never forgive me if I had put the child up for adoption. I planned on having an open adoption so I would be sent pictures of the child, but wondered if he/she would be placed with good adoptive parents. I don't know how I will feel in July as the baby was due then, and every December from now on. Sorry this is so long.

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Subject: New


Author:
hurtting (sad)
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 12:27:02 08/20/07 Mon
Hi,

I've just joined this sited today. I had an abortion 11 months ago and I'm really having a hard time it would be nice to have some-one to talk to

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Subject: Soon


Author:
Carly
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 00:27:58 12/16/08 Tue
I'm 25. I've never wanted children in my life. I'm always very careful...except 3 weeks ago when I was drunk and I don't really remember what happened. It was fun....and I didn't think to ask about condoms until a week later. It was too late for Plan B. I hoped I'd be lucky.
I wasn't. Let me reiterate- I never want children. So finding out I was pregnant was like a nightmare come true. I barely know the father- it was just a fun night...My appointment is on Saturday....I just can't have a child. I know I would be a terrible mother and even adoption isn't an option.
I've never hated myself more. I know this is the only option but I feel terribly guilty.

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Subject: Re: Sad and confused


Author:
Linn
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 09:44:36 12/11/08 Thu
Hi, Joy;

I am sorry for your loss. I too, know your pain of having made that choice. But, there is forgiveness and hope in Jesus Christ. Please, seek counseling with a local Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area. If there is not one close by, find one on the web, and give them a call. I promise, there is someone who will love and help you through this. God Bless you.
Subject: sad and confused


Author:
joy
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 21:46:59 12/04/08 Thu
I am 41 years old, in my last year of college, have two beautiful girls and last week I had an abortion. I felt my only choice was to have one. I had spoke with the guy who I was pregnant from and he wasnt ready to have a child, just bought a home, and so on. He couldnt help financially. I wasnt looking for that at all, just felt it was right I told him.
I cry everyday, wondering if I made the right decision. I am such a strong person and just felt with everything going on in my life, my oldest daughter off to college next fall, me finishing my bachelors degree next fall, struggling financially right now, that I couldnt bring a baby into this world. I think to myself was I wrong??
Yesterday I took my oldest to the gyno. for her to talk bout getting birth control and there were two women in the waiting room preg. This just killed me, I just wanted to cry, thinking that would have been me in a few months.
No one knows that I got an abortion except the father, I felt I couldnt tell anyone, feeling they would of talked me out of my decision but know I feel I should have talked to my close friends. Not sure that would have made it easier.
I feel lost, and dont know what to do with how I am feeling

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Subject: I feel as though i want to give up my life


Author:
elizabeth (despair)
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 19:47:46 01/19/08 Sat
Help me. I feel as though i can not go on. I was in a relationship with a man and everyone has heared the story. I was in love with a liar and false promises.
I am a single mother already and didn't want to go through that again. I didn't know what to do. I lost my job. The pregnancy made me so sick unlike my first.
I ended up in the emergency room for deydration due to excessive vomiting. I was abandoned again with another child on the way. I freaked and got scared.
But now i feel it. My babies life is gone. I felt the babies soul inside me. I took it away. I am a horriable monster. I felt like a hurt animal running around with out any escape. I was escaping a baby. A life. I am ruined. Please help me. I want to be a good mom to my first but all i see when i look at my son is the unborn child i gave up. I let go. I'm alone again. I'm unemployed. what am i doing..

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Subject: An empty feeling


Author:
Denise
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 14:58:52 11/24/08 Mon
Im 20 years old and when I was 18 I had an abortion. At the time I was really confused. It wasnt the decision i wanted to make at all. When i told my boyfriend that i was with for 4 yrs that I was pregnant he really just left the decision to keep it o not up to me, but he kept droppingclues of how much of a burden it would be. And when I told my mother about my pregnancy she was Completely unsupportive. I understood her being upset, but she said so many horrible things to me, she begged me to get an abortion. She said she wouldnt be a part of my babies life or anything. After listening to her and to my boyfriend i decided to go through with the procedure. I was only 7 weeks pregnant at the time of the abortion so when it was over idint feel as though it was a big loss because i hadnt really had time to bond with my pregnancy and with my baby. Since then i have had 8 of my friends get pregnant and have their babies and now I feel empty. I watch my friends with their babies and emotions they have the firt time they hold them, and i feel a sense of jealousy. Dont get wrong im completly happy for them but i always want that feeling for myself. Btween the time of my abortion and now my BF and I broke up, but im with a new guy now who ive been with for the past 8 months. I really do love him, and im at the point were I really want to get pregnant again, and i know neither of us are ready for a baby, but parts of me want to just break down and get pregnant. My intent is not to get pregnant without him knowing about it at all. At the same time I know he wont agree to having a baby now. I know it sounds really stupid, but I'm afraid that my emotions are going to get the best of me and I'll end up being irresponsible and getting pregnant on purpose knowing that now is not the best time in my life for it.

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Subject: my shame


Author:
kc
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 08:14:30 11/15/08 Sat
Its been 2 months since i aborted my baby. It was the biggest mistake of my life...that i now know. Im 28 and already have 4 children and before i fell pregnant for the 5th time i would of said that another child would never be a possibility...but after it becoming reality i felt different, it was apart of me. My partner and i have been together for 13 years and from the moment i told him i was pregnant he knew what he wanted and that was not another baby. In the end i know my decision was my own but how could i bring a life into this world knowing my partner never wanted it. He never speaks about it and not sure if he even thinks about it.....me on the other hand cant stop thinking about it, every waking moment and boy is it doing my head in, How do you make the pain stop? killing my baby was the worst decision i have ever made.

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Subject: Post


Author:
Al
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 12:49:10 08/09/08 Sat
I am a twenty year old girl. I have had two abortions in two years. The first time it was with my first boyfriend and I was young and stupid. I realized that I was pregnant early and never had any regrets about my choice. However with my second abortion the child was the man I loved. He thought that he couldn't have children. It was a terrible experience. Right before they took me in for the procedure an ultrasound was preformed. The nurse and doctor had nothing to say to me but they talked about my babies heartbeat among themselves. We went to the operating room, I was already anxious and a little confused. As I laid down my doctor told me to relax all my muscles and remain calm. There was no lamalee inserted so my cervix was dialated by hand... I started to tear. Eventually I became insistant that I couldn't bear anymore pain and they gassed me. After the procedure my boyfriend ( who i was living with) drove me home, and never mentioned what happened. He was very sweet about doing anything that i needed, but unable to talk about what had happened. I felt like I had done something wrong, he continued to push me away and I became more and more depressed. As of yet I still can't get over it, although I can get out of bed in the morning now. But our relationship has weakened. I love him but what can i do to help him understand...

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Subject: Losing everything


Author:
Jessica (Lost and depressed)
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Date Posted: 08:27:35 03/03/08 Mon
I'm not sure if anyone will even read this but I need to let all of this out. Theres no way to put any of it into a nutshell so please, if you do read this, bare with me, it may be too graphic, but please understand I mean no harm with my story. I need to let this out.

From November first to current day I've been seeing someone I've known for quite a long time. Ten or so years to give a time estimate. I believe it was the end of this past January when he and myself suspected something wasn't right, and what tied the knot was a night we went out for some drinks with a few friends, but stayed at his dad's because neither of us were about to drive home. He had gotten sick from a few too many drinks, I had no where near enough to make me sick, but somehow I found myself waking up at 7am dryheaving and feeling sick with no explanation. The next day after work, I shot him a message to pick up the home pregnancy tests just to be sure. I worked a late night and came home after 1. Since he was my neighbor (that sounds worse than it is) I woke him up to give me the tests. I had him wait while I took the test. I did everything correct, I remained calm and didnt cheat by watching it the whole 5 minutes. It only took a glance... I knew I was pregnant. I was on birthcontrol... All I could think was "is this for real?" Please keep in mind I'm 20... He's 29. As where age means nothing in our situation, being our familys have known eachother since probably before we were even thought of, I was scared. He took it well and we later discussed keeping the baby.

I wish the story ended there.

The next day at work I found it harder than ever to even concentrate. By sheer luck, my best friend had walked through the door, to which I couldnt control my tears and needed my friend for advice. I wound up spending several days with her at her house (which is shared by a total of 4 other people herself included) and my partner I guess was releaved to see I had a comfortable place to go. I couldnt tell my mother...

I had made an appointment at planned parenthood to talk to someone. I was too scared to go to my own obgyn. I was told that because of the birthcontrol that it might be eggtopic and that if I was feeling any pain, to go to the hospital.

Eventually my older sister knew something was wrong and guessed it and told me that I should tell our mother... I did that day who in turn told my step father and soon it was something everyone knew. They knew that there was the chance of it being eggtopic and were worried. Sounds great right? It would have been had they all told me I HAD to get an abortion... In their minds, no matter what it had to get "taken care of".

I had talked it over with my partner and our hearts were set on keeping our baby... It was afterall ours... Here is where it all came crashing down...

Since I was living home at the time my Mother made it clear that I was to get the abortion, or lose my home and my family. The day before the appointment was set for the medical abortion, I went to the hospital for experiencing pain. My parents were worried as was everyone else in fact my father called me crying just to see if I was okay. My partner was there for me the whole way. The hospital took an internal sonogram. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, and I saw my babys heart beat. I was so happy when they gave me the first and only picture I'll ever have of my baby.

Upon leaving the hospital after they told me I had a perfectly healthy and happy baby living inside me, I stepped into the waiting room with my picture in hand ready to show it to my partner, when all of a sudden it came as a shock to me that my father was in the waiting room as well. I could also tell he was drunk. I kept the smile on my face, hugged him and told him I was going to be okay. I showed him the picture to assure him everything was fine. My fathers reaction was anything but nice. He started screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, and I have been dead to him ever since. Later that night talking to my Mother, I told her what I saw and how I felt. She sounded aggrivated at the thought that I was even thinking of keeping MY baby, reminding me what would happen, and kept asking me if I were keeping the appointment the next day. I was so torn.

The next day I went to the appointment, depressed from the moment I woke up. I had a breakdown in the office, because my insurence wasn't going to cover it and if it was going to get done, it had to be that day, I couldnt live with the pain of knowing I was delaying the inevitable... We handed the money over in cash... Never have I felt so wrong in my life. To top it off... They werent even that nice about it.

I cried the whole visit. They gave me a sonogram there as well, only the woman printed out a picture and didnt even ask if I wanted to see it. That hurt. From the moment she gave me the first pill to take, I hesitated because I knew what it meant. I didnt want to lose MY baby. Neither did he... They sent me home with 4 other pills to take (taken buccaly for 30 minutes) the next day to start contractions, anti-nausea pills, antibiotics and their idea of pain medication were 9 tramadol pills. I felt like just another person. I was no one special to them. I knew what was coming. I couldnt do it home, so again I stayed at my best friends house with the people and things I cared about the most. They even let be bring my cat over to comfort me.

The next day before I took the 4 pills buccaly, I showered and tried to prepare myself the best I could think. I starting getting bad cramps even before the pills were being absorbed, it didnt make sence. I made myself as comfortable on the couch as I could, and took the pills. My partner got off of work no later than an hour after the pills were in my system, and brought me green grapes (something to make me smile) he could tell the minute he saw me that I was in pain.

My best friend and her boyfriend offered their bed to me for comfort, and insisted. Their room was all the way on the other side of the house. With help from 2 friends and my partner, they tried to walk me to the bedroom, all the while I'm in sevear pain to the point of crying hysterically. Right before I reached the bedroom I dropped to my knees in pain and stayed there till the worst thing imaginable happened. I started to bleed. I made it to their private bathroom in their room and to my horror saw the worst things imaginable.

The doctors told me at planned parenthood that I wouldnt see anything, just clotted blood. God they were wrong... Right before my eyes I passed MY child. There was no mistaking it, and I'm sure anyone who has gone through this process knows I'm right...

I was in so much pain, and I didnt know what to do. Everyone was trying to see if I was okay, I couldnt even answer them... My child was in the toilet. I wanted to grab it and at least hold it and give it a proper burial, but out of fear of anyone thinking I was insane (though I know now it never would have been the case) I freaked and flushed it... I felt horrible, like it was just some goldfish... but it wasnt, it was my child that I loved from day one.

Eventually I was able to make it to the bed, but it didnt end there. For over hours I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was being punished, I thought. The "Tramadol" they gave me for pain did nothing. It didnt even dull it a little. I could hardly eat and the pain got so bad, everyone in the house could hear me screaming. They tried everything from hot water bottles, to different pain medications, before they called the emergency number on the "care sheets" Planned Parenthood gave me. No one knew why I was in so much pain for so long. Over 12 hours, no sleep, and I couldnt even reassure myself that my baby was safe.

A few days after that day, I went back home for a few days. In a discussion with my Mother, she told me I had a week to get over feeling depressed about it. My reaction was none too happy and a reply of "It was your choice, not mine. I wanted MY child." It somehow spawned into her kicking me out of the house. that day in fact,which was a day after I got the abortion, Feb 12'th and 13'th... even after I did what she asked of me. I was now living with my best friend who had helped me throughout it all. In the basement in a room with no walls and no heat. I have never been so miserable in my life. I had lost both parents, my home and my baby...

I wish the story ended even here...

about a week or so had passed from feb and I thought I was starting to get a hang of things and doing okay at coping. But my relationship was becoming a little rocky.

Then I started having the dreams. I kept having reoccurent reinaction dreams, that was the day of the abortion, but the most painful parts over and over in full detail. They would wake me out of sound sleeps, sometimes to the point of tears.

I refused to go back to Planned Parenthood for my followup appointment, so I gave in to go to my own obgyn for real care. People who actually care. My appointment which was February 27h 2008, yes that was Four days ago, was the start of a whole new issue. The doctor gave me a sonogram to find that I had a partially terminated pregnancy... Everything except the baby was still there and needed to be removed as soon as humanly possible. So the 28th I went into the hospital for a surgery prep and the 29th was the surgery at 6:am. I had no time to even think about what was going on, and to have to go through a second abortion method, I couldnt handle that. It brought me back to two weeks prior... and how hard it was go through it all. My partner went with me for it for support and I was going to be knocked out and couldnt drive myself home. In the hospital I started having panic attacks about being there. But his support and the most amazing care I've ever recieved at a hospital, made it easier to handle. I wasnt alone. Right after the surgery was done and I woke up, I was so confused as to if anything was done, and then I felt the pain all over again. I started to tear up and whince a little because I could hardly move or talk from the anthestetic; the nurses came over and talked to me to see if I was okay, and gave me pain medication that worked. The hospital staff were so nice and did everything they could to make me comfortable emotionally and physically. they allowed us to stay as long as we needed but I left on my own account an hour or so more. I probably should have stayed but I needed to be home, and didnt feel I should be babied, being I felt I should have never done it to begin with but went against my heart. I'm still ashamed in myself. I dont think I ever wont be.

I went home and actually slept, and I slept good. No dreams, no thoughts. I was on so much it was a perpetual la la land for a few hours. When reality did set in and I was feeling somewhat normal, I knoticed my partner acting strange. Very reclusive, and wouldnt talk to me even when I knew something was wrong. I just tried to shrug it off and not get too upset by it. I also stopped talking to him about situation as a whole, the baby was becoming unmentionable to him. I didnt understand why? The next day it gets a little worse and he's more detached, and yesterday he tells me he doesnt know where he's going in life anymore, and more or less needs time for himself. Automatically to me thats dumped. My worst of fears has come true. I have lost everything important in life. My home, my parents, my baby, and now my love. Oh yea and did I mention I'm soon going to have to be living elsewhere because I'm not supposed to be living here according to their lanlord. Which leads me up to current day.

What can I say about current day? One thing. I am so depressed I dont even know what to do anymore. I need advice, guidence, something, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I'm holding on as best I can but nothings ever looking up.

I'm sorry this is novel long. And thats not even every detail. And if nobody reads it, that would be fine. I needed this to come out. Its been the hardest time of my life. I'm hoping to keep pulling along and trying hard to be okay.

If you did read this, thanks for actually taking the time. it probably means more than you know.

Jess



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Replies:
Subject: thanks


Author:
BB (:))
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 23:20:44 03/31/08 Mon
Hey, I just wanted to say thanks to those that replied, and for the links to the websites. Its nice to know we're not alone.

I know I should seek counselling...its just a matter of biting the bullet and admiting that it is a neccesity for me.

hugs and smiles to all of you!...we'll be alright.
Subject: Is it normal to be angry?


Author:
Erin
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 21:20:43 09/18/08 Thu
I just need to know I am not alone. Although I know it was completely my responsibility, from contraception to consenting an abortion: I am SO angry. I've lost a lot of people I once cared about because NO ONE understands what I'm going through right now. It could have a lot to do with the fact that my boyfriend left me the day after we got the abortion he wanted... I just have a fire inside that I can't extinguish. To make matters worse, I pace back and forth awaiting the results of this TOO SOON to tell pregnancy test because of my rebound and carelessness reactions to all the previous events. I'm just at a point where I'm spinning out of control. I just want to shed this anger. Like I said, I've lost a lot and it's not getting any better...

Replies:
Subject: my story, and aftermath


Author:
BB
[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 11:45:21 03/22/08 Sat
I got pregnant in my first semester of college. I moved with my boyfriend who I have loved for three years. We moved to a different country for college, and I was pregnant within the first month of living there. I had been sexually active since I was fifteen, and always a huge stickler for safe sex, so you can imagine my surprise when i found out I was pregnant! I was in disbelief, and I was shocked, and I had always told myself that if I ever got pregnant before I was ready, I would have an abortion.
Being in a different country, I was unfamiliar with the health care. I went to a clinic to get a doctor to confirm my pregnancy. she was impatient and insensitive to me. I was crying, and all she wanted to know was what was my decision--"are you keeping it or not?" I guess time was money to her....I told her it was the worst time for me to be pregnant, and she started shoving planned parenthood pamphlets in my hand and was obviously ready to send me out. I was shocked, and terrified. My loving boyfriend carted me over to the lab for my blood test. I was convulsing and hysterical. I left the office feeling scared and alone. I was alone in a a foreign country, with no friends, no family except my boyfriend, who was supportive, but also dealing with the shock of this.

Within the next few days, I had researched clinics in the area, and had an ultra sound. I was still terrified and felt so alone. I had decided not to tell anyone originally, but I broke down and called my best friend. I told her everything, and she insisted on flying me out to come home for the procedure. I knew I needed the support of her to get me through this.
On the day of the abortion, I got a surprise from the nurses there. They told me that I had to have blood work and an ultra sound again because the ones I sent to them were not accurate. Turns out, my ultrasound was not actually administered by a radiologist....just a nurse taking a guess at my gestation period...and the blood work, (which I was later charged $350 for) was completely useless and would have to be redone. The two original procedures had cost me over $500. I come from a place where health care is covered, so you can imagine my shock when I was told I had to pay so much for something that I thought was everyone's right as a human being.

I made the right decision to go back home. The doctors and nurses were so supportive and kind, and my best friend waited in the waiting room for me all day. The experience it self was as good as I suppose it can be, but the aftermath still haunts me.
After I returned home, I became depressed, felt isolated and like no one understood. I also felt like my mother instinct had suddenly turned on. Everytime I saw a baby, or a pregnant woman I cried....anytime and anywhere. I missed my child, I talked to him, I had names for him, I imagined his face. I was a mess, and the worst part was that no one knew, and I had no one to confide in. I was still new at school, and didn't exaclty feel like being social for several months.
I had flashbacks, and nightmares, and my sexuality felt completely diminished. My partner and I still have sexual problems that I seriously want to get over. The first time we had sex since the abortion, I felt violated, like I was being raped, and I had to tell him to stop (which he was very gentlemanly about) it took several encounters for this feeling to even go away a little bit. Even to this day (its been almost 2 years) I feel ashamed about my sexual feelings, and ashamed to be having sex. I had never felt ashamed of sex until now. My family is not religious, so i don't know where this shame is coming from. Its like, when we try to become intimate, I feel guilty, and embarrassed that I am about to have sex. Then (sorry if this is a weird image) it feels almost like if my parents walked in on us in the act, and I can't get rid of it. My partner has been so patient with me, but I understand that he has needs too, and as his partner, I want to satisfy him. I am afraid this will destroy us if I do not resolve it somehow.
Well I'm sorry this is so long. There is much more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day. Does anyone else experience these sexual problems?
Thanks for listening,
BB

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Subject: Auto pilot...


Author:
Natalie (it just takes time...when will time be done?)
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Date Posted: 16:04:51 09/16/07 Sun
Im 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25. My boyfriend and I were together for two years. After which he broke up with me in May this year, we then got back together and about 5 weeks ago broke up again. The next day I found out I was pregnant. Although we had broken up, when I told him I expected him to give me a hug and offer me support. Instead he asked me if it was his and if I had planned it and then he threw up in the sink. After a week of knowing I did what everyone told me was the right thing to do and had an abortion.

When I was in the chair I cried my eyes out...the anaethesist kept asking me "are you sure of your decision?" and I just kept crying. He then wanted to send me home because he didnt think I was certain I wanted to go through with it. The dr that had done the consultation prior then came in and grabbed my hand and stroked my head and asked what was going on. I dont remember what was said between them and the next thing I knew I was being put to sleep...when I woke up...my baby was gone.

Since that day I have felt numb. empty. sick. guilty. alone. I didnt take any pain killers because I felt like I should have to feel the pain...I guess as a way of punishing myself. About two weeks ago I was driving to work in the rain. A car came so close to hitting me and when I thought it was going to collide...I felt relieved. It didnt...and I pulled over and cried uncontrollably.

I have never felt so unhappy...I feel like I've always felt this way. Like a dark cloud has settled on my mind and I cant remember why waking up in the morning is a good thing.

I picture my baby and the song tears in heaven plays in my head and I wonder if I will see my baby in heaven...I wonder if I'll even be let in.

I know there are people that are far worse off and are suffering from horrible things like cancer or have lost arms and legs or are restricted to a wheelchair for life and its probably unfair of me to say "why me" in comparison...but I feel like I was given a bat to ward off the curve balls life throws at us...and after the last 6 months I feel as though it has dwindled down to a twig thats about to break.

Im just going through the motions now. On auto-pilot. Im there physically...but not in any other presence...and noone seems to notice. Or they do buts its easier for them to not because they don't no what to say. I dont want to feel like this...I want to smile and laugh and not 'move on' but be at peace with what has happened...

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Subject: I Hate talking About This.


Author:
Kayla (confused)
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Date Posted: 01:24:50 09/27/08 Sat
I had an abortion on November 10, 2007. I was 17 years old. The guy I was with was going to prison for 5 - 10 years soon after I discovered I was pregnant. The baby was 7 weeks old when it was aborted. After the abortion I started hating my "then" boyfriend. I couldn't even stand the sight of him and honestly, I haven't seen or talked to him since he's gone to jail. I still hate him, which could be a part of me blaming him. I don't know. All I know is that the abortion was the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever felt.
To make things worse, I started dating someone a month later. I found out I was pregnant AGAIN on January 25, 2008. This time, I was willing to have the baby. The guy (who I am still with now :) ) was amazing and very supportive. By the time we had actually gotten excited about this child, I had a miscarraige - due to the scar tissue from my previous abortion only two months before. I wasn't trying to get pregnant, and I know I should have gotten myself on some kind of contraceptive. The only thing is that I could not get on the pill after my abortion because I was only 17, and I had not (and still haven't) told my parents about it. In Indiana, you must be 18 to purchase any kind of birth control pills. Plus. the guys is allergic to latex.
Anyways, if this is possible in any way, I felt worse with my miscarraige than I did my abortion. I love the man I am with now, and it hurt to see something we both wanted fall apart like that.

Adding on the story, now I am 18 years old and living near him. (At the time of the pregnancy/miscarraige we lived 1000 miles away from each other). I have been taking birth control since my miscarraige, but I just discovered today that I am pregnant... again.

The only thing I am truly scared of is it ended badly again.

Advice?

Replies:
Subject: still suffering


Author:
Angie
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Date Posted: 14:24:14 08/26/08 Tue
wow i was looking online for a site like this where i can speak about it.
My boyfriend and I have been together two years. when we first got together he had just broken up with his baby-mama (3 boys) and so we took things easy not wanting to make things b/w them bad. i found out i was pregnant 6 mos into the relationship. he immediantly stated his case...he did not want another kid, he wanted me to have an abortion. i am totally against abortion and have always wanted a child. we argued about it for a week until he said that if i kept the baby he would have to go back with his ex so that she wouldnt put child support on him. (basically it would be cheaper to pay cs on 1 kid instead of 3) all i heard was that i would loose him and raise a baby on my own. he kept pressuring me about it for another week until i finally broke down and said i would do it. at the hospital i stil had doubts but he would just say we cant afford one now, we're not in a good position now, etc. I had the ab May 21, 2007 at 9 weeks. after the procedure i didnt feel any different. he was very attentive, took me to his house to recover. i didnt tell anyone but his and my best friend (who thought it was a terrible mistake) i went back to work and everything seemed fine until a couple months later when it just hit me. i relized i had ****** my child. my boss had her baby in July and we visited her in the hospital. that was the hardest thing. to see her holding her newborn baby, thats when started becoming depressed. i started crying over everything, no interest in my hobbies or work, i was angry at everyone but especially pregnant women or new mothers. "why do they get to be so happy, they have support and love" i then started cotemplating sucide. thats when i went into counseling. he showed me that the rage because i was angry at my bf but also angry at myself. i learned to forgive my bf but i still havent forgiven myself. the guilt is something i carry everyday. thanks to counseling i no longer get angry at pg women or mothers. i can now hold my newborn cousin w/o sobbing. my bf and i talk about getting married and having a child then. he thnks im fine b/c i dont talk about it. but im not i just hide it real well. the time i relapsed was on my due date and the anniversay of the ab. if i could turn back time and change things that would be the one thing i would change. i now say i only have one regret in life and that is choosing a man over my baby. Never Again.

Replies:
Subject: How to move forward. Have so much resentment


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 00:08:43 05/05/08 Mon
I was with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years when I got pregnant. After being together for 6 months when we first met he broke up with me and got another girl pregnant. After they had the baby they broke up and he wanted to get back together with me. He was so excited and happy to have a baby with her. So after him breaking up with me and having a baby with someone , he then wanted me back. So I took him back , I loved him dearly , I even broke off my engagement at the time to be with him . I have always loved him. After 3 months of being back together , I found out I was pregnant. I was in total shock . I called him and told him I was pregnant , knowing that I was keeping it... I have and still am AGAINst abortion. He cried and begged me to get an abortion. I told him NO i was keeping it. Prior to finding out i was pregnant , I started to see that he wasnt the man I wanted to be with . He wasnt there for me like I needed him to be , He wasnt a good step father to my 4 year old son, He wasnt ready to commit , he just didnt give me what I wanted and deserved in a relationship , I always came second to his baby mama , So about 2 weeks before i found out i was pregnant I was planning on breaking it off with him. So after I told him I was keeping it , he told me so many horrible things aboout keeping it , and he scared me . But I was still going through with it. He wasnt there for any dr visits , wasnt there for me emotionally , he wasnt the man that I could be with , He wasnt a family man , he didnt even aknowledge the fact taht I was pregnant, Nothing. He came to my house every night and drank alchol , well I was sitting there sick , Complained that we were going to sleep so early lately , and asked me how much longer do I have to deal with me being sick all the time... plenty more thing he did that upset me ( way to many to type). So already being a single mother for 4 years I realized he isnt the person that I can be with or deserve to be with . Me and my son deserve someone better. So after about 6 wks of really thinking about it and seeing his actions , I told him I was going to get the abortion and couldnt be with him anymore. The day of the procedure I was in the office and they took my blood and I almost fainted they had to lay me down , I was hysterical crying in the room , The SO CALLED COUNSELING they give you before hand was not counseling at all , it was sign here and sign there stop crying. I tried to call him , I left him a message and text message that I was scared and DID NOT want to do it. He never called me back. all he had to do was answer my call or call me back and tell me to leave... AnD I would be having my baby in 4 wks. I let about 4 people go ahead of me ...well I sat there and cried ... i did not want to do it .... but i was oviously selfish and knew that he wasnt right for me and finally went into the procedure room and couldnt even breath , the dr didnt even talk to me or say anything ... I woke up and that was the end ,of a messed up beginning. I went into a deep and still am in a deep depression , I cry all the itme , I dont want to do anytthing, I cant watch anything with pregnant women in it or babies , i cant even watch horror movies or any kind of movie with blood because it makes me think of an abortion ... it changed me so much. Having to do something u never thought u would do , were always against , and didnt want to do. Is horrible. I had already thought of names for the baby. When his X got pregnant he was soo excited and happy . They were broken up at the time that should found out and we were getting back together , she called him told him she was pregnant and he broke up with me again , broke my heart again and said im going to be a daddy and we are going to be a family I cant be with u anymore. Why couldnt he be like that when i told him about our baby , Why did he have to be such a coward , why couldnt he give our baby a chance like his other baby. So we broke up when I got the abortion. I was so upset , I needed to talk to him and just say sorry , because saying sorry to him was like saying sorry to my baby. So after saying sorry and telling him how depressed i was he asked to hang out. So we started to hang out every day and he told me how much he loved me and cant be with out me and wants to get married , but when i was pregnant he said he didnt want to get married and wasnt sure if we were going to be together forever . So now just 2 months later after the fact you want everything that I wanted when I was pregnant , but couldnt and wouldnt give it to me. So here I am 4 months later still with him back together , And every day that goes by I resent him more and more for making me do what I did , More and more I cant even look at him , the closer it comes to my due date the more discusted I am of him. Why now does he want to move out together and get married but a few months back when we were blessed with a miracle he was a total jerk.

I love him , he has been my best friend for 5 years now , even though he broke my heart and acted the way he did. But i resent him so much lately and more and more everyday . That I dont think I can be with him anymore. Will the resentment ever go away? The baby that he has now , I cant even see pics of or hear stories about what he did with him for the day because i just think thats what my baby could have looked like , why couldnt he be a daddy to our baby like he is to him. Why couldnt our baby get a chance to have two awesome parents. Its really hard for me. THe part that really upsets me is that he doesnt have a care in the world about the baby that we could have had. I cry to him about it and he say it will get better. He never ONCE said I am so sorry that I couldnt be a responsible father , im sorry that we didnt give the baby a chance , im sorry we messed up . NOTHING like that at all. He says dont worry it will get better.

I just dont know if I can stay with him and be able to move on from these horrible feeling. HELP Please . What should I do . Should I stay or should I GO??? THANK YOU anyone who reads my story and response.

All I can say I will never ever let this happen to me again. I will be less selfish and more responsible next time. Regardless of anything.

I love my baby so much . And I wish I can just hold her/him.

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