Jessica (Lost and depressed)
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Date Posted: 08:27:35 03/03/08 Mon
I'm not sure if anyone will even read this but I need to let all of this out. Theres no way to put any of it into a nutshell so please, if you do read this, bare with me, it may be too graphic, but please understand I mean no harm with my story. I need to let this out.
From November first to current day I've been seeing someone I've known for quite a long time. Ten or so years to give a time estimate. I believe it was the end of this past January when he and myself suspected something wasn't right, and what tied the knot was a night we went out for some drinks with a few friends, but stayed at his dad's because neither of us were about to drive home. He had gotten sick from a few too many drinks, I had no where near enough to make me sick, but somehow I found myself waking up at 7am dryheaving and feeling sick with no explanation. The next day after work, I shot him a message to pick up the home pregnancy tests just to be sure. I worked a late night and came home after 1. Since he was my neighbor (that sounds worse than it is) I woke him up to give me the tests. I had him wait while I took the test. I did everything correct, I remained calm and didnt cheat by watching it the whole 5 minutes. It only took a glance... I knew I was pregnant. I was on birthcontrol... All I could think was "is this for real?" Please keep in mind I'm 20... He's 29. As where age means nothing in our situation, being our familys have known eachother since probably before we were even thought of, I was scared. He took it well and we later discussed keeping the baby.
I wish the story ended there.
The next day at work I found it harder than ever to even concentrate. By sheer luck, my best friend had walked through the door, to which I couldnt control my tears and needed my friend for advice. I wound up spending several days with her at her house (which is shared by a total of 4 other people herself included) and my partner I guess was releaved to see I had a comfortable place to go. I couldnt tell my mother...
I had made an appointment at planned parenthood to talk to someone. I was too scared to go to my own obgyn. I was told that because of the birthcontrol that it might be eggtopic and that if I was feeling any pain, to go to the hospital.
Eventually my older sister knew something was wrong and guessed it and told me that I should tell our mother... I did that day who in turn told my step father and soon it was something everyone knew. They knew that there was the chance of it being eggtopic and were worried. Sounds great right? It would have been had they all told me I HAD to get an abortion... In their minds, no matter what it had to get "taken care of".
I had talked it over with my partner and our hearts were set on keeping our baby... It was afterall ours... Here is where it all came crashing down...
Since I was living home at the time my Mother made it clear that I was to get the abortion, or lose my home and my family. The day before the appointment was set for the medical abortion, I went to the hospital for experiencing pain. My parents were worried as was everyone else in fact my father called me crying just to see if I was okay. My partner was there for me the whole way. The hospital took an internal sonogram. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, and I saw my babys heart beat. I was so happy when they gave me the first and only picture I'll ever have of my baby.
Upon leaving the hospital after they told me I had a perfectly healthy and happy baby living inside me, I stepped into the waiting room with my picture in hand ready to show it to my partner, when all of a sudden it came as a shock to me that my father was in the waiting room as well. I could also tell he was drunk. I kept the smile on my face, hugged him and told him I was going to be okay. I showed him the picture to assure him everything was fine. My fathers reaction was anything but nice. He started screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, and I have been dead to him ever since. Later that night talking to my Mother, I told her what I saw and how I felt. She sounded aggrivated at the thought that I was even thinking of keeping MY baby, reminding me what would happen, and kept asking me if I were keeping the appointment the next day. I was so torn.
The next day I went to the appointment, depressed from the moment I woke up. I had a breakdown in the office, because my insurence wasn't going to cover it and if it was going to get done, it had to be that day, I couldnt live with the pain of knowing I was delaying the inevitable... We handed the money over in cash... Never have I felt so wrong in my life. To top it off... They werent even that nice about it.
I cried the whole visit. They gave me a sonogram there as well, only the woman printed out a picture and didnt even ask if I wanted to see it. That hurt. From the moment she gave me the first pill to take, I hesitated because I knew what it meant. I didnt want to lose MY baby. Neither did he... They sent me home with 4 other pills to take (taken buccaly for 30 minutes) the next day to start contractions, anti-nausea pills, antibiotics and their idea of pain medication were 9 tramadol pills. I felt like just another person. I was no one special to them. I knew what was coming. I couldnt do it home, so again I stayed at my best friends house with the people and things I cared about the most. They even let be bring my cat over to comfort me.
The next day before I took the 4 pills buccaly, I showered and tried to prepare myself the best I could think. I starting getting bad cramps even before the pills were being absorbed, it didnt make sence. I made myself as comfortable on the couch as I could, and took the pills. My partner got off of work no later than an hour after the pills were in my system, and brought me green grapes (something to make me smile) he could tell the minute he saw me that I was in pain.
My best friend and her boyfriend offered their bed to me for comfort, and insisted. Their room was all the way on the other side of the house. With help from 2 friends and my partner, they tried to walk me to the bedroom, all the while I'm in sevear pain to the point of crying hysterically. Right before I reached the bedroom I dropped to my knees in pain and stayed there till the worst thing imaginable happened. I started to bleed. I made it to their private bathroom in their room and to my horror saw the worst things imaginable.
The doctors told me at planned parenthood that I wouldnt see anything, just clotted blood. God they were wrong... Right before my eyes I passed MY child. There was no mistaking it, and I'm sure anyone who has gone through this process knows I'm right...
I was in so much pain, and I didnt know what to do. Everyone was trying to see if I was okay, I couldnt even answer them... My child was in the toilet. I wanted to grab it and at least hold it and give it a proper burial, but out of fear of anyone thinking I was insane (though I know now it never would have been the case) I freaked and flushed it... I felt horrible, like it was just some goldfish... but it wasnt, it was my child that I loved from day one.
Eventually I was able to make it to the bed, but it didnt end there. For over hours I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was being punished, I thought. The "Tramadol" they gave me for pain did nothing. It didnt even dull it a little. I could hardly eat and the pain got so bad, everyone in the house could hear me screaming. They tried everything from hot water bottles, to different pain medications, before they called the emergency number on the "care sheets" Planned Parenthood gave me. No one knew why I was in so much pain for so long. Over 12 hours, no sleep, and I couldnt even reassure myself that my baby was safe.
A few days after that day, I went back home for a few days. In a discussion with my Mother, she told me I had a week to get over feeling depressed about it. My reaction was none too happy and a reply of "It was your choice, not mine. I wanted MY child." It somehow spawned into her kicking me out of the house. that day in fact,which was a day after I got the abortion, Feb 12'th and 13'th... even after I did what she asked of me. I was now living with my best friend who had helped me throughout it all. In the basement in a room with no walls and no heat. I have never been so miserable in my life. I had lost both parents, my home and my baby...
I wish the story ended even here...
about a week or so had passed from feb and I thought I was starting to get a hang of things and doing okay at coping. But my relationship was becoming a little rocky.
Then I started having the dreams. I kept having reoccurent reinaction dreams, that was the day of the abortion, but the most painful parts over and over in full detail. They would wake me out of sound sleeps, sometimes to the point of tears.
I refused to go back to Planned Parenthood for my followup appointment, so I gave in to go to my own obgyn for real care. People who actually care. My appointment which was February 27h 2008, yes that was Four days ago, was the start of a whole new issue. The doctor gave me a sonogram to find that I had a partially terminated pregnancy... Everything except the baby was still there and needed to be removed as soon as humanly possible. So the 28th I went into the hospital for a surgery prep and the 29th was the surgery at 6:am. I had no time to even think about what was going on, and to have to go through a second abortion method, I couldnt handle that. It brought me back to two weeks prior... and how hard it was go through it all. My partner went with me for it for support and I was going to be knocked out and couldnt drive myself home. In the hospital I started having panic attacks about being there. But his support and the most amazing care I've ever recieved at a hospital, made it easier to handle. I wasnt alone. Right after the surgery was done and I woke up, I was so confused as to if anything was done, and then I felt the pain all over again. I started to tear up and whince a little because I could hardly move or talk from the anthestetic; the nurses came over and talked to me to see if I was okay, and gave me pain medication that worked. The hospital staff were so nice and did everything they could to make me comfortable emotionally and physically. they allowed us to stay as long as we needed but I left on my own account an hour or so more. I probably should have stayed but I needed to be home, and didnt feel I should be babied, being I felt I should have never done it to begin with but went against my heart. I'm still ashamed in myself. I dont think I ever wont be.
I went home and actually slept, and I slept good. No dreams, no thoughts. I was on so much it was a perpetual la la land for a few hours. When reality did set in and I was feeling somewhat normal, I knoticed my partner acting strange. Very reclusive, and wouldnt talk to me even when I knew something was wrong. I just tried to shrug it off and not get too upset by it. I also stopped talking to him about situation as a whole, the baby was becoming unmentionable to him. I didnt understand why? The next day it gets a little worse and he's more detached, and yesterday he tells me he doesnt know where he's going in life anymore, and more or less needs time for himself. Automatically to me thats dumped. My worst of fears has come true. I have lost everything important in life. My home, my parents, my baby, and now my love. Oh yea and did I mention I'm soon going to have to be living elsewhere because I'm not supposed to be living here according to their lanlord. Which leads me up to current day.
What can I say about current day? One thing. I am so depressed I dont even know what to do anymore. I need advice, guidence, something, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I'm holding on as best I can but nothings ever looking up.
I'm sorry this is novel long. And thats not even every detail. And if nobody reads it, that would be fine. I needed this to come out. Its been the hardest time of my life. I'm hoping to keep pulling along and trying hard to be okay.
If you did read this, thanks for actually taking the time. it probably means more than you know.