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This board is for women who are suffering after an abortion, and want a place to express their pain and get support for healing.

This is a moderated board and personally abusive messages will not be approved.

For any questions about this board or for a free packet of healing information, email DCHERYL51@yahoo.comorCHERYL51@mail.com

For online resources Silent No More Awareness

Operation Outcry

Unplanned Pregnancy Message Board

Also here is my website: Post Abortion Help and Healing



Subject: Pregnant


Author:
Katelynn Smith
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Date Posted: 13:20:29 04/18/08 Fri

I am a 14 year old girl recently facing the problem of underage pregnancy. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year and decided we could have unprotected sex for once. I wasn't sure about the timing of my period and my eggs, risking the danger I did it, thinking I would be safe. A couple of mornings later I found myself having a lot of pains, very tired, and my boobs were very tender. I went and got a pregnancy test from the nearest clinic, I was positive. I told my boyfriend, Scott. With a very shocked face, just like mine, he was disappointed in us. I haven't told my parents yet, is there any idea's of how I could tell them?
Katelynn Smith

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Subject: To Erika


Author:
Diane Cheryl
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Date Posted: 00:42:13 04/19/08 Sat

Hi Erika,

You have a reply to your post below. Scroll down and you can see Kris's post to you. You can email her at HopkinsKC@aol.com or me at DCHERYL51@yahoo.com and we would love to talk more.

Sincerely,
Diane Cheryl

Subject: how do i get over this


Author:
Ashlee W. (regret, sad, upset)
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Date Posted: 23:56:41 04/10/08 Thu

on the 26th april 2004 i terminated my 8 week pregnancy at just 15 years old, i wasnt thinkin straight what i wanted at the time, i went more along with what my parents were saying was right for me. i have regreted it ever since that day, its tearing me up inside. every year around april time i go on an ultimate low, uncontrollable crying, loss of appetite, cant sleep, i didnt know how hard it is to cope with knowing what you have done, i feel gulity and horrible about myself every single day. i have been trying for a baby again for 2 years and nothing has happened, in a way i think im bein punished for what i have done. am i going to feel like this forever. please somebody help

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Subject: book link posting


Author:
BB
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Date Posted: 02:21:27 04/11/08 Fri

I just want to say that I checked out that link for the new book kris is talking about. Although it says some good things, I feel that the emphasis is on abortion being a mistake. Although I feel extreme guilt about my abortion, I do not feel it was a mistake. I know that a lot of us feel guilt and shame, but I feel it is equally unfair to bring a child into a world that has unfit parents. While I do enjoy the positive messages conveyed through a religious context, I also believe that there are sometimes morals attatched that create a sense of guilt and shame that is un-neccessary for people such as ourselves, who already feel that way. I feel we need reassurance, and comfort, not a condeming hand. I hope this does not offend anyone. Just be careful that what you read on this topic does not deepen your pain or guilt. we do not need it.

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Subject: Re: I feel like I'm dying


Author:
Christina
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Date Posted: 21:45:42 03/28/08 Fri

Hey all who read my previous message-Well I went back for my follow-up and found out I had a kidney infection.Needless to say,that had me on my back and out of work mainly due to the fact the first round of antibiotics didn't work.I'm still a wreck...I pick arguments with my boyfried for no reason just so I can get a reaction from him and I think I pushed him a little too far this time.He hasn't called since Tues. nite and I am way too stubborn to cave and apologize first.My sign is Taurus and boy do I fit the bill. Thanks to all who posted replies,it really made a difference getting it off my chest.To anyone who wants to talk give me a shout and I'll listen-Thanks Christina

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Subject: I feel like I'm dying


Author:
Christina
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Date Posted: 01:50:52 03/07/08 Fri

I'm in love and I have never,ever been happier in my life.I have known my boyfriend of 3 months for 20 years.On February 1st I found out I was pregnant.Wow what to do huh?So we talk and decided we aren't ready that we are still so new and we are trying to merge our present children in our family together first.I have 2 and he has 1.He does not believe in abortion BUT he will support my decision.As the days go by we talk and I go back and forth and suddenly twins sound good to him.Oh yeah? Well I schedule my abortion at a time when he can't go,I don't want to expose him to that.I'm ready,on the table and they do the sonogram and guess what 7 1/2 wks with TWINS!I still go ahead with it against my better judgement.When it's over I'm wondering how inflicting that kind of pain on your body can actually be legal.It's over and I call him and I tell him and he just breaks down from the pain in my voice,then I tell him about the fact there were 2 babies and this grown man is crying like me!But it's over right?NO guilt kicks in and I am feeling so sorry for myself.Twins I could have given him that,did i really just tempt fate by aborting 2?,will I be able to have more? and why does it hurt so bad?See that was my 6th abortion, and what I want to know is WHY? Why now do I have so much pain /guilt from this time and not the others,Why was it twins this time,just WHY! He believes there is a reason for everything well can someone tell me what was the reason for this? I am so angry all the time and I spend alot of time taking it out on him,which he takes but for how long?He says he's there to talk to and if I decide I want to talk to someone he'd be there for that too but I don't want to keep harping on him about it.He really doesn't understand and he really does seem to be in pain just not quite the same as mine.I've even thought about going to church and hey I didn't even do that on 9/11 so this has to be big,but I was raised catholic and that's all I know and everyone knows how they feel about abortion.I've overcome alot in my life from drug addiction,abusive boyfreinds,life just not working out,but this is relly breaking me down.It's been exactly 2 wks today and I go for my follow up tomorrow maybe htye will have some advice but for some reason I seriously doubht it.I guess what it boils down to is I thought this was what I wanted and now I'm not so sure and it's too late to fix it.

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Subject: Good book to read


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 02:46:31 03/13/08 Thu

There's a new book out for post-abortion. It looks to be really good - check it out here:

http://www.motherhoodinterrupted.com/

I am going to order my copy today.

Kris

Subject: times two...


Author:
queen bee (double or nothing)
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Date Posted: 02:50:51 02/19/08 Tue

its february 19th 2:25AM.
my due date was on february 14 (valentines day)
not a day goes by that i dont think of my two little boys. when i first found out i was pregnant so many things ran threw my mind. getting ready to graduate, and my boyfriend at the time was 15 i do understand he was a freshman but we loved each other so much. and to this day i dont think im ever going to forget him, the pain and struggle we had to go threw every single day.
my boyfriends brother was my age we grew up together went to the same schools...when he found out i was dating his brother he started making up lies about me being crazy his parents tried so hard to keep us apart but nothing worked. one day i felt like he was the one i wanted to "lose it to" the one time we did end up having sex we didnt use a condom. a few weeks later.. i ended up being pregnant. we hid it for about a week. and our decision was to get an abortion i couldnt ruin his life with a child, he was still a child. and at this time it was way to hard to even see him, his parents had it out for me. when we found out the price for the abortion we decided to start putting our money together, and we became desperate, i asked his brother to help us.. he seemed very understanding and i thought we were going to get the support we needed. turns our his brother went and told his parents, he only told them he heard of a rumor that we were having sex and i was pregnant. they went and talked to my parents started a huge fight (like romeo and juliet) later that day my parents found out i was pregnant..they didnt allow me to tell my boyfriends parents..because of embarrasment. my bf denied me being pregnant.. and a week after..i had my medical abortion done. sitting in the waiting room was the worst feeling i didnt speak a word. and the day after i was sick 13 hours of severe cramps, crying, regret, i guess it was like going into labor, my stomach was contracting every 30 min. at first then by the end it was every few seconds, 9 months later i still regret it. the nightmares..it hurts me twice as much because it turns out we were going to have twins..two little boys. even though i never saw them, or heard them cry they were apart of me i heard there hearts beat.. together my boyfriend and i came up with there names the first born would be jaden andre & the second born would be name sean brandon. he may not care about the abortion "its the past" but he doesnt feel the regret most girls have to feel every day. alot of us just have to smile and pretend everythings ok. well its not!! we will never get over this. a part of my heart is still missing, i miss my boys..

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Subject: reflecting on the past


Author:
Jane
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Date Posted: 20:06:36 02/12/08 Tue

I was 16 when I got pregnant. I was a good kid, athlete, and student. I was the "good" one in my family. There were no words to describe the fear I felt when I found out. I blocked it out of my mind, hoping it would go away. I was so scared and confused. My bf went with me. I never told a soul. Over the years, a few people found out (a friend of his, a friend of mine). I never told my mother. I am now 25 years old and looking back at the past. I weep for the younger me. I beat myself up for even getting myself into that situation of having sex.After the abortion, I vowed to never have sex again. I beat myself up even more for continuing to have sex over the years. Why, didn't I abstain after that experience? I was able to block it out of my mind for a couple years. The memory came back to me when I was 19 , and again now at 25. I asked for God's forgiveness when I was 16, and I know he loves me and forgives me. I just can't get over how I continued to date and have sex. I did go through a 2 year period of abstinence in my early 20's. I also wonder if I should tell my mother. Our relationship is SO much better now than it was when I was a teenager. I just can't imagine hurting her and disappointing her. I've graduated college, have a career, and have done much to make her proud. I just feel like a fraud when she talks about how proud of me she is.

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Subject: Women Who Have Abortions Experience Post-Traumatic Stress


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 07:02:41 02/14/08 Thu

Women Who Have Abortions Experience Post-Traumatic Stress

by Steven Ertelt
LifeNews.com Editor
February 13, 2008




Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) -- A new study published in the journal BMC Psychiatry finds that women who have abortions typically experience high levels of post-traumatic stress disorder. The findings mirror other research reports showing women are more likely to suffer mental health issues following abortions compared with keeping the baby.

The study appeared in the July 2007 issue of the professional psychological publication but it only coming to light now.

The research involved 155 women from South Africa who had abortions and were evaluated one month and three months afterwards.

Approximately 20 percent of the women had post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms just one month later. The results led the authors to note that "high rates of PTSD characterize women who have undergone voluntary pregnancy termination.

Looking at the women three months after the abortion, the number of women experiencing the PTSD symptoms increased 61 percent.

Dr. David Reardon, the head of the Elliot Institute and a post-abortion research who has been involved in more than a dozen studies documenting the psychological impact of abortion on women, notified LifeNews.com of the new study.

"The abortion industry should not be subjecting women to a procedure that is likely to increase or cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress or other mental health problems," he said.

"Furthermore, the evidence shows that many of these abortions are unwanted and the result of pressure or coercion from others," Reardon added. "The industry should be held liable for putting women at risk and performing unwanted and dangerous abortions."

Reardon said the researchers also examined the effect of levels of pain and post-abortion psychological outcomes.

The study found women who had received a local anesthetic versus those who had received IV sedation had higher levels of pain and were more likely to experience PTSD symptoms in the short-term but there was no long-term difference.

According to Reardon that means the abortion itself is more likely to cause the PTSD issues rather than the kind of pain management given during the abortion process.

This isn't the first study to show a link between abortion and post-traumatic stress disorders.

In a 2004 study published in the Medical Science Monitor, 65 percent of American women reported PTSD symptoms after an abortion and just over 14 percent reported all the symptoms necessary for a clinical diagnosis of PTSD.

Related web sites:
Elliot Institute - http://www.AfterAbortion.Info




Printed from: http://www.lifenews.com/nat3730.html

Subject: abortion


Author:
jessica (sad)
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Date Posted: 00:08:32 02/08/08 Fri

I am so sad. I want to cry when I see pregnant women especially those that are the same amount of months I would have been.My name is jessica and I had an abortion at the ennd on september and I'm now hurting so bad over it. See I'm only 19 and I already have 3 kids but I want a big family so my kids will never be alone in this world like was and will always have eachother, but me and there fathers relationship wasn't sturdy at the time and I didn;t want to be stuck. So selfishly I did it and got on the depo shot, and now I couldn't even have a baby if I wanted to because the depo makes youinfertle for a few months (i'm off it now) I find myself trying to replace my baby by having another when I new I couldn't afford.I am so depressed.I;ll stop now because there aren't enough words in the world to describe the pain I feel

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Subject: It's killing me


Author:
Jamie
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Date Posted: 23:09:34 02/07/08 Thu

I got an abortion four months ago and i can't stop thinking about my baby. I wanted to keep it but my boyfriend of over a year and a half some how convinced me otherwise. I'm eighteen years old and now all i can think about is how i want to become pregnant again. Every month i pray that i'll have another chance, to choose differently. I can't walk by the baby sections in stores without wanting to cry. Everytime i see a baby on tv i want to hurt myself cause i can't believe what i did. I don't know what to do. I just want a baby.

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Subject: 7 months later


Author:
heartbroken (getting there)
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Date Posted: 21:03:58 02/05/08 Tue

Well it has been about 7 months since my abortion. Thanks to those who responded. I took your advice and went for counselling. I met a wonderful woman who help me restore faith in myself and helped me regain my identity. We had a beautiful memorial service which helped in my healing process. However, things have still been difficult. Although I have come a long way since August 17, some days are hard. My due date is coming up and I really miss my baby. My marriage has been rough but the goods news is that we are receving counselling. What has complicated things is the vasectomy my husband had a week after my abortion. I think now that he really thought at the time that he was doing me a favour and I could hardly think clearly and anticipate what I would feel in the next hour let alone the next days or months. So now what is hard to deal with is that not only I do not have my baby anymore but I cannot have another baby again. I thank God everyday for my 2 boys because they mean the world to me but it is hard to look at them sometimes without seeing their siblings face. Our Pastor who is counselling us has assured me that we will get through this. He seems to think that another child is possible and I do believe him. To those of you hurting, I have felt your pain and I still feel pain somedays but it does get better. I have let God in, accepted His forgiveness and I know that God sees great things in me that I don't always see in myself. Hang in there and put yourself in God's hands, trust me, not only will you feel safe but you will actually begin to smile again.

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Subject: Why is the pain not going away?


Author:
Lor (Unhappy)
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Date Posted: 14:37:16 11/28/07 Wed

Here's my story. I'm now 2 years post abortion(I was then 25 years old..now 27) and because I didn't think I could "Afford" to raise a child, I chose to abort. I was very selfish for letting others "talk me into the abortion" and I then said to myself that this is o.k. to do. My partner(I am still with and going to marry next year) doesn't want to talk about it and I "feel" the blame. Why did I let my partner and my own mother talk me into this? why didn't they think I could have raise the child? Did they think soo little of me and didn't think I could have means and ways to raise the child? I am soo angry, sad and very lonely. I have turned to drinking(binge), I know I'm depressed and I seem to just not care any more. The sad part of all of this is that my partner that knocked me up is the one I'm marrying and says "we will have a family some day"...like this never happened. What is up with that..like it was o.k. to knock me up then not take responsiblity for that and then in the future knock me up and then take care of that child. I just want to know if the pain is ever going to go away or am I stuck with this forever with my partner?

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Subject: A terrible story


Author:
Kim (sad)
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Date Posted: 08:51:37 11/30/07 Fri

I had let my boyfriend convince me 5 years ago to have an abortion. We were young, 19 and 20, and he wasnt ready to be a father, and I dont think I was ready to be a mother. Anyway, I went to the clinic and used the "pill" method of termination which was still fairly new then. They said I was exactly 9 weeks. The doctor at the clinic told me that after inserting the pills into my body in 24 hours I would get my period, and that I wouldnt notice the actual passing of the fetus. Well 24 hours later I inserted the pills and waited. I had horrible cramping and only a little bleeding. 8 hours later I went to go to the bathroom, and when I sat down I felt something come out. When I looked there was a fully intact fetus, in a clear sac about the size of a half dollar, connected to the umbillical cord and a fully intact placenta attched to that. I could see its features, fingers and toes... I was mortified and I can still see that image as clear as day. When I told the clinic they said they had only heard of that happening 1 other time and that they were sorry. SORRY!!!! I feel horrible still now and have a hard time. Things trigger my sadness, a preg coworker, a preg friend, babies on TV, every Nov, because that is when I concieved, and every Jan, because that is when I aborted. Please give me some advice. I never wanted to do it, but I did. Now I want to have a baby, my husband isnt ready, but since my coworker just found out she is, I keep thinking that it should be me, because I want to be, and of course because it is Nov. I am not religous, but I still feel like I am being punished. Help!!

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Subject: completely desperate


Author:
anny
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Date Posted: 16:04:59 12/29/07 Sat

I'm desperate...I can't find any reason to go on living.
I had an abortion last year because I've been suffering from eating disorders for 6 years and I couldn't even understand what was happening to me...I remember I didn't think...I didn't understand...I only felt my body growing and I couldn't stand it because of my disorders.
After the abortion, I understood the gravity of my mistake...I understood the importance of life...but now my life has no sense.
I lost everything.
I'm fat, without my aunt (she died 6 years ago and from then on the hell began)...without my baby, the gift God sent me despite all the mistakes I had done.
Oh my God...I just want to die...and go to see my aunt and my baby...
ps:sorry for my awful English...I'm Italian...

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Subject: i'm a mess


Author:
heartbroken
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Date Posted: 14:33:07 08/21/07 Tue

I'm a mess! I had my abortion Friday and I am going crazy. I have 2 children, 2 and 4 and we didn't plan on having a third. My husband was supposed to get a vasectomy and took his sweet old time. Needless to say he did not want this baby. I felt so alone, scared and pressured. I feel like I rushed into it and made a haste decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. I know it's fresh but I feel like I'm dying inside. I wish I could go back to last Thursday! I didn't cry all weekend but I yesterday I had a breakdown and now I can't stop crying.

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Subject: my story


Author:
KP
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Date Posted: 02:43:03 10/23/07 Tue

I just wanted to post because I feel that every single person that posts stories is christian or religious and I am not. I just wanted other women like myself to have a story or just... anything to relate to. I'm 21 years old and I had my abortion in May, I was 6 weeks along. Honestly, I've never wanted a child and neither did my boyfriend of the time but once I found out I was pregnant, it was like everything was different for me. I wanted to keep the baby and my boyfriend didn't understand what had changed my mind. I had to go alone because he was ashamed of what happened. I still feel so angry at myself because while a part of me feels it was the best thing to do, part of me still feels like I just got the abortion because he wanted me to. That anger has ruined our friendship and we no longer speak. I have nightmares about me drowning my baby and they're almost more than I can take. I think of the "what if's" everyday and it just doesn't feel like it's getting any easier.

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Subject: Someday You Will Have to Do Something


Author:
Dlila
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Date Posted: 17:25:05 03/03/06 Fri

I am 50 years old. To many here that seems ancient. I had my abortion 28 years ago. I was an unmarried mom (very taboo in the early 70's) with a 2 year old. The father was killed in a car accident & already knowing how hard it was as a single mom to support a child at minimum wage, abortion seemed the only answer. I can tell you, the pain never goes away, but it gets easier to bear. The feeling of loss never goes away, but you can find joy in things you may have taken for granted before.
Reading this board I cried, a lot. None of you are alone. You all belong to a great secret sisterhood the world would rather forget about and ignore. It soothes their collective conscience when they put their 'Keep Abortion Legal' bumper stickers on their cars. I have told my son and anyone who would listen that the only people who should vote on abortion laws are those who have actually experienced it. I especially never want to hear a man tell me why it is the right thing to do.
What I want to say is that someday you will have to do something about it. I drove to the gravesite of my babies father and asked him to watch over our baby till I got to heaven. I did this at 3am and drove 6 hours to get there, but I just had to do something. This was 3 years after my abortion, and as silly as it sounds it did start me on my way to healing. I could go to bed at night without crying myself to sleep.
Some of you may need to seek counseling but be careful, like I said, the world in general doesn't like to admit abortion leaves casualties like us littering the landscape. Let yourself grieve, and don't feel guilty. A baby lost is a baby lost. Be gentle with yourself and others, a child doesn't know what he hasn't experienced until it is too late (Don't touch that it's hot!). Same as we did not know what it would really be like until we had done it. The same as your parents, boyfriends, husbands, etc., do not know & never will. You can try to explain, but most of the time the lack of first hand knowledge results in complete ignorance.
I include those who have had more than one in the above paragraph as well. We tend to numb ourselves to emotional pain until it will not be ignored, and in doing so we sometimes leave ourselves open to repeat that which pained us.
Turn your pain to something good. If you want to, get involved in pro-life causes, share your story, counsel others to listen to their hearts, and nothing else. If that is too hard or against your principals, volunteer at an animal shelter, feed stray animals, deliver food to shut ins, or just give a few dollars to the homeless. These things are not to buy your way into heaven, or get rid of your feeling of guilt. They are to lift your spirit, they open your eyes to the fact you are a part of the human race, they use your pain to relieve the pain of others who are suffering. When you can see the grateful wagging of a mistreated animals tail, or the smile on an old mans face when you bring him some hot soup, it makes it easier and easier to look in the mirror and see that you are not a monster. You made a mistake. You regret it. Life will not turn back for you, but it can go on.

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Subject: 2 abortions in 1 year


Author:
Rachelle (High's and Low's)
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Date Posted: 01:20:58 12/19/07 Wed

I have had 2 abortions this year. The first abortion was hard enough to decide, the second? I never thought that i would have to make that decision again...
Deciding to have my first abortion i had to distinguish between my head or my heart. In my heart i knew it wasn't the right thing to do. In my mind I knew that i couldn't financially afford to have a child even though my partner was 100% supportive. we both had decided not to keep it.

After the first abortion my whole life turned. I lost all my confidence, optimism, spirituality, motivation, self esteem, you name it. i fell into a dark hole of depression. i could see my relationship slowly deteriorating. I felt like i had no control over my emotions. I became so erratic and unreasonable. I didn't even know who i was anymore or who i was becoming. My partner would reassure me everyday and support me emotionally and still felt resentment. i started to binge drink. That was the only thing that would make me feel normal. I came out of my shell. i didn't care. but the days i would stop i would become a recluse. I had never felt to insecure in my life. i neglected all of my friends. I told a few of my friends and they were sympathetic towards my situation, but i felt like i was a burden telling them my one problem that was consuming my whole life. so i shut the door on them without reason. I was exhausted emotionally. i had nothing to give to anyone. Some day's i would feel great and see some light at the end of the tunnel. most day's i would feel down. Everything became numb. i felt like i was on auto pilot. Soon after i started to have anxiety attacks. I was so scared. It lasted months. I quit my job and didn't leave the house. I was bed ridden. weeks pass, and i started to feel ok. i had a small feeling of belief that i could start to move forwards. Within that same week of feeling belief, i found out that i was pregnant again...

Why is this happening? what have i done wrong. I'm on the pill and i fall pregnant twice in a year. what's wrong with me? Doctors told me that i am highly fertile. so why didn't they put me on a stronger pill the first time from preventing this happening the second time??
How was i to make a decision the second time while i had been suffering from Post abortion the first.
The decision the second time i couldn't even think about. This time i was to go with my heart. i felt no response. numb... Finance or not, that wasn't going to affect our decision. If i am unhappy, how could i bring a child up in this world? I don't feel love, so how am i going to give love?
we decided to have another abortion..

To have made the decision the first time, i would have never thought that i would have to make that decision again. The time i fell pregnant the second my first would have been born...

I don't feel numb anymore... i don't know what i feel.. Is there hope?
The days when i am up, it's like someone took my memories and it all never happened. The days when i'm down i can't stop crying. when am i going to feel happy again?
Is there anything i can do or read to void the pain?

Will i ever have clarity?

Rachelle

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Subject: abortion


Author:
growing (uncomfortable)
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Date Posted: 08:06:20 08/26/07 Sun

Please, bear with me I talk too much.

I had my third abortion 15 days ago. I am posting this message because I am changing and need help navigating these uncharted territories.

Bulletin: I am 21 days shy of 30 years of age.

For the past decade, I thought: at this stage in my life, if I were to become pregnant, I would definitely have the baby.

I came to this conclusion ten years ago. When I was a 19-year-old-college student and found out I was pregnant, abortion was the obvious choice for me. Complete and utter ignorance as well as a lack of responsibility resulted in an immediate pregnancy six months later. I felt no guilt about either, just remorse and a strong sense of responsibility. I vowed to never be in the unwanted pregnancy position again.

For the past ten years, I practiced the safest sex possible, next to celibacy, for several reasons:

1)Because of my own childhood, I have always wanted to bring a child into the world under the best conditions possible; parents deeply committed to family (including each other); spiritual, emotional and financial stability

2)I did not care to alter my lifestyle and career for a child and

3)I never wanted to have an abortion again because I felt it was wrong.

Midway into my 20's, submerged in my career, I realized just how important family and living out your life's passion was to me.

Last year, I finally worked up the courage to make a career change and pursue my dreams. I was fired.

To date, I have been unemployed for over a year.

I made huge life changes and sacrifices, including buying a more economical car and moving in with my mother (whom I currently live with, Yuck!). It's been tough but I believe in the reward.

While, deciding to make these changes, I was in an emotionally unsupported relationship. Needless to say, it ended.

Earlier this year, I began dating, the beautiful man, an acquaintance of seven years and friend of three, I intend to spend the rest of my life with. We began making plans for our life together. He left his job in which he traveled 90% out of the month to move closer to our future.

Shortly thereafter, I learned I was pregnant.

I didn't miss a beat... I immediately thought... Abortion.

How surprising! Seriously. "But I want to have children", I thought. With him! "Why, then, is my first thought, abortion?"

I talked it over with my boyfriend and learned he was adamantly against abortion. He considered it amoral.

This was not our first conversation about abortion. He knew about my abortions in the past and my desire for a family. We had also discussed my actions in the event a pregnancy occurred between us. Naturally, I would have the baby. After all, we were starting a life and a family together.

He was hurt by my decision to abort and viewed it as weak and an obvious display of my distrust in him. What?!

Later conversations with trusted friends allowed him to open his mind to this choice as one which was uniquely mine and was not a reflection of him or our relationship.

I know that this is hard for him and that he has emotional issues related to this abortion that are difficult for him to understand or control. I knew that he, unlike me, might never get pass this decision. And I knew that the survival of our relationship might hinge on my decision.

I gave it four weeks before committing to the abortion.

Ultimately, I concluded it was the best decision for me, considering my financial state.

Afterwards, I knew what to expect from my body but was caught off guard by my emotions.

I am a mess.

I feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve any goodness in my life. My boyfriend is so affected he is unable to be his usually affectionate self with me because he admittedly doesn't feel "as in love with me". And, one of my closest friends called to give me the good news; she and her husband are three months pregnant with their second child. I was perfectly jealous! I wish I could go back, not just 15 days but to whenever I started to change my mind about the conditions of accepting the responsibilities of my actions, i.e.: pregnancy yields baby. I cry inconsolably and find it difficult to sleep. Normally, a confident person, I feel insecure and unsure of myself, especially with regard to my relationship.

How does a relationship survive this? Is there anything I can do? Should I just give him time to heal?

I am scared things won't get better?

I feel as though, I lack faith.

I know this may sound trivial to people saying they miss their babies and I hope I don't offend anyone. But I don't think of their birthdays or their eyes. I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way because I know I made the best decision for us. Us, the family that we will have.

Why, then, do I feel so guilty? How do I find peace with my decision and hope for my future? How do I regain my strength and confidence?

I am so sorry that I have mouthed off uncontrollably but I needed to vent and to others who possibly share my experience. If there is anyone out there who cares to positively respond, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.

Thank you... Growing

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Subject: Did I do the right thing?


Author:
Cecilia (sad)
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Date Posted: 11:16:38 11/06/07 Tue

Hi my name is Cecilia. Its been 4 months after my abortion. Im only 17 junior in high school. The father of my baby was 16. He was my best friend since 6th grade. We both decide to keep it but the moment I let my sister know and couple of friends. It became different. They let me know all the bad things about keeping it. Which scared me so then I decided not to keep it nomore. The father of my baby we are no longer friends. I hate myself I lost 2 of people who I loved more than anything in my life. Just because I let people scary me. Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me because its what I deserve. I regret it so much I wish I could of done everything different! Will I ever be okay with what i did? I am I was gonna feel this pain in me?

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Subject: dnt know whats wrong


Author:
pauline
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Date Posted: 01:43:08 11/13/07 Tue

im a christian,20 years old and i had an abortion 2 weeks ago. i know many will judge me but i had no choice. i have never spoken to anyone about it as the one friend i have told is ignoring me and i dont know why. My boyfirend never wants to talk about it and i feel like i need someone who will understand where im coming from.

Icome from a christian home and yes i feel bad about what i did. Sometimes i wish i didnt do it and that my parent swould hav gotten used to it but i knw my dad would have disowned me. i just need someone who will tell me that God still loves me and that he still cares. Im all alone and idont want to be..

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Subject: Lost-Can't hold on


Author:
Kenny
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Date Posted: 15:34:20 11/24/07 Sat

I Got divorced in 1994 after a while i met a girl and lost my head and we married and was terribly unhappy so i divorced. I felt bad about the divorce but i had tried to get out before the marriage but she wouldn't have it.Then the big thing happened. I met the love of my life. She was beautiful ever thing i ever wanted total happiness seemed like.As weeks went by things started coming to light that was things that i never dreamed a nice woman would do.But for some reason i couldn't let go of her.Then one day she told me she was pregnant. She said that she had never been pregnant before.She wanted to have an abortion.We was having problems from the other things but i wanted to believe that some how we could overcome the previous life before we met. and i said to her she could have the abortition. she started making arrangements. we talked about it every day. We said it was murder. Even though we talked about it being murder i started trying to get her not to do it.I wanted to show her how much i could love her and be her's. To the last day i tried to love her into keeping it.Our doctor told her that it would not be as she thought.Her gynecologist would not treat her anymore if she did it.We had started seeing a counselor for the previous problems before she got pregnant. She tried to advise her not to do it. She was crying one day and said there is a little Tracy or Kenny growing inside me. She didn't want to kill it she said. Seemed everything would be ok. Then in just a couple of days she started saying things like this f--ing thing inside me is f--ing up my body. And other horrible things and she went forward with the plans to have the abortition. As the time neared i tried to love her out of that decision. I would try to get her to have it and give it to me if there was no chance for us to have it.Since the abortition i have searched every where in my soul could i have done anything else. How could i have let this happen. How can time be turned back.What can i do. Lord please come and get me. I can't stand to live life here anymore. I take antidepressants.I cry inside daily.I look at my job and i think i just can't stand to carry this heavy load and do this job.I am a man how can this affect me so. Yet i just can't get this off my mind.I love her still but i hate her to if that can be.If you know of help for me please reply.

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Subject: Pain


Author:
Kayla (regretful)
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Date Posted: 01:54:38 12/09/07 Sun

In May of this year my now husband and i gave up our first child and had a medicinal abortion. We did this because we were both only 18 and he had a budding career in the Navy. and having a pregnant girlfriend before boot camp is a big no no. Later on we discovered we could have kept our baby and his Naval career. He refuses to talk about what happened because he decided he wanted our child but i continued with the abortion. i was thinking of our future and it wasn't fair to our child to give it a life where we were financially unstable. i've now gotten to the point where i want to talk. i have for several months now but my husband refuses and wants to pretend it never happened. it's tearing our marriage apart. i don't know what to do. As December 23rd, the day our baby was due, gets closer i have an ever building pain locked inside me. What am i suppposed to do? we want to try to have a family but i can't until i'm over this baby. i can't fully deal without my husband dealing as well. How can i make my husband deal with what happened? I think he hasn't forgiven me for hurting him. i just need help.

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Subject: Christmas


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 11:11:51 12/14/07 Fri

The Burden of Hope
From Jars of Clay
“Christmas Reflections”
“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Luke 2:19
Christmas comes each year with its dangerous invitation to hope. Yet for most of us, this invitation feels more like an inconvenience and a burden. We see this burden from the very beginning, as Mary herself pondered the meaning of all of these things, I wonder how many of her personal hopes and dreams were on the altar at this moment. Surely this was not the life that she had dreamed for herself, and who could possibly understand the road that she was about to walk? Who would go with her? As she began to consider all that she would lose along this journey the invitation to hope must have felt callous and far-fetched.
If you are like me this is where most of my adult Christmas’ have been spent, burdened and heavy under the Hope that promises much but asks for everything along the way. Maybe this is your story this year, maybe your losses have been deep and painful. Maybe you stand in the reality of every Christmas from now on being a bitter reminder of those that are no longer with you, and things that have been lost along the way. If this is you take courage from Mary who somehow found a way to move from deep pondering and introspection to singing. Somewhere along the road the question of her life ceases to become “If you knew me and loved me God how could you ask this of me” to “God who do you see when you look at me?” Somewhere along the way her hope was unfettered to all those good things that she had hoped her life would be and became anchored to God’s hopes for her.
“for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed,” – Luke 2:48

Subject: Sex after abortion


Author:
Maria
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Date Posted: 23:58:16 07/19/07 Thu

Hi. I had a second trimester abortion on 7/10/07. It's been 2 weeks after the abortion and I have been on birth control for a week. Is it safe to have un-protected sex??

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Subject: I need help for my sister.


Author:
Me
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Date Posted: 02:10:56 11/05/07 Mon

She had an abortion about 18 years ago. She was only 16 at the time. She confided in me and we didn't tell our parents ... until she had a breakdown some months later and they found out.

Now all these years later grown up, responsible and in a happy marriage her and her partner are trying to have a family. Two years ago she lost a baby at 19 weeks and now she is finally pregnant again ... now 15 weeks.

Since my sister's abortion she has pretty much suffered from depression. Perhaps she always would have even without the abortion. I guess we will never know.

In this pregnancy the depression is worse than ever. She has spent the past four weeks in a psychiatric hospital where they took her off her current medication and changed it to one more suitable for a pregnant/breastfeeding woman. That seems to have made her worse.

She has spent the whole pregnancy crying. Not just crying but sobbing. Full on sobbing the whole time. It's scary talking to her on the phone ... she lives four hours away. Although she hasn't threatened to do so (at least that I've heard) I'm frightened she is going to harm herself and her baby).

I'm sure she is now finally really grieving for her aborted baby and understanding even moreso just how precious new life is. But I'm scared its all going to be too much for her. She is unable to work, unable to do anything. It's hard being so far away from her. She doesn't have a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad so even though they are aware of what's going on and they are desperately worried and unhappy for her she wants her own space from them. She talks to them on the phone but they live 6 hours away so having them with her would mean they would have to stay with her and that is too close!

What can I do for my sister? I'm thinking that her problem could be that perhaps she doesn't think she is going to be a good mum and she is scared. I'm going to visit her in a couple of weeks and I want to say these things for her. She is a wonderful person and she deserves a happy and fullfilling life. I'm worried she thinks God doesn't want her to have a baby or that she doesn't deserve a baby or perhaps even as I mentioned above she won't be a good mother and she is almost trying to kill her baby. What is going through her mind?

What can I do to help my poor sister? Advice please?

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Subject: abortion


Author:
noria (enternally regretful)
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Date Posted: 19:39:42 10/16/07 Tue

About 16 years I had an abortion. I was 16 years old
my boyfriend was a lot older than me- he couldn't support the baby or me. I remember I wanted to keep the baby so badly but I couldn't. I was a baby myself. the reason I aborted was because I felt the baby was going to have deformities and I could not handle that. I drank a bit and I was electricuted by a christmas light cord. I married that boyfriend-still marrried to him with two beautiful kids. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because of that beautiful baby- I decided to abort. I wish I can turn back the clock and say no to sex and yes to our Lord. I wish I can be a much more devoted Catholic and I hope that my baby found a better home in the hands of Jesus- because I couldn't. I am so sorry baby! I don't want to be forgiven I just want to acknowledge the fact that I did something wrong I will never forgive myself. I will never forget

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Subject: Sad


Author:
Mable
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Date Posted: 13:48:04 10/03/07 Wed

I am 23 and married for almost 2 years. I had my abortion on September 29/07. This was a planned pregnancy, we've been together for 4 years and decided to try. We got pregnant on the first try! We were so excited! the first few weeks were great, we had just bought a new townhouse with extra bedroom for the baby, our marriage is great! then it hit me, the morning sickness just a little at first then all day!!! i quit my job because i was going to be a stay at home mom anyways, I was admitted into the hospital at 7 weeks i stayed there for 2weeks sick they eventually found a chemo drug that delt with the nauseous feeling but i just couldn't stop throwing up, they didn't know what to do. I was into stage 3 high risk prescribed drugs before they did the tests i had alot of keytones which means my body was eating itself to try and support the baby! i lost 20 lbs and i didn't have alot extra to begin with, my veins couldn't support the drugs they were giving me so the put in a pick line a large tube that travels up you arm and shoulder so that the viens won't break anymore i went through 14 Iv's in 12 days. i had no veins left, the baby was okay but they wanted me in the hospital for the next 5-7 weeks and i was still so sick, i didn't know what to do i felt like the drugs i had to take were hurting the baby and that even the high risk ones weren't doing alot and i was so tired and so sick and my husband was so worried about me i didn't know what else to do so i had an abortion at 11 weeks and now i miss my baby, you never really get to say goodbye and i'll never get to hold him, i just keep picturing him crying for his mommy and he's scared and alone and i just want to be there with him. My husband is amazing and i can't complain we are actually closer then ever but i just don't think he can possibly feel the way that i do. I just want to stop crying and feel better but i don't know if i can! i miss him and i want him back i feel like i gave up and i'm so ashamed!

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Subject: A recent abortion is ruining my life...


Author:
Ashleigh
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Date Posted: 00:23:32 09/27/07 Thu

Where to begin? First off, I just turned 23, I'm married and I'm a military spouse. My husband is currently deployed, due home in January some time. I had an abortion in April of this year, and am having an incredibly hard time letting it go. I hate myself for what I did, or for what we, as in my husband and I, did. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think about what happened. I would have been due in November, and I keep thinking about "What if I would have kept it?" and its slowly making me fall into a deeper and deeper depression. As a result, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and I'm on anti-depressants. I'm not good with talking about my feelings and emotions, so its putting a huge strain on my marriage. I have so much guilt and remorse over what we did and part of me blames my husband for the choice we made, even though it was US who made the decision. I can't talk about the abortion without breaking down into tears, I have suicidal thoughts and I have even began cutting myself. I dont even know who I am anymore! We decided to end the pregnancy because, one he's in the military and this life is stressful enough to deal with, without bringing a child into the mix. Two, we knew he was deploying in July and would miss the pregnancy and the birth and I didn't want to go through any of it alone and three, finacially, having a baby wasn't a smart idea. Before anyone says "Why weren't you using birth control?" I was! I forgot to take my pill 2 days in a row and it happened. I think about our baby everyday, and what he or she would have looked like, what they would have grown up to be, would they have my hair, his eyes...I think about all of it. The abortion was the worst thing I have ever done and I dont know how to deal with it and start healing. My husband is effected by it too and has deep feelings about it and its really putting a strain on us. Can anyone help us??

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Subject: So _soon


Author:
Hanna
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Date Posted: 15:06:19 09/09/07 Sun

Mid July I had an abortion, at that time it was stressful, family issues, finance, university and work etc...added to that my b/f does not feel he can deal with an unplanned pregancy. the only support he can give is financial...what I needed most was the emotional support to deal with my family..family support was a major issued that i could not deal with (family that lives by the society..father is a preacher etc )..it would of been the first child out of wedlock, destory their perfect image in socity and i can go on and on

After 8 weeks of my abortion (no one except my b/f and best friend have this knowledge)someone in my dept (floor at work) is pregnant and everyone is exciting and celebrating- all the time they are talking about the morning sickness, food etc I cannot deal with it, i am happy for her but this is reminding me of my initial excitment of being pregnant and wanting the child sooo much..I cannot deal with this and don't have anyone to turn ..I think i am starting to go into depression,crying everynight and getting emotional ..what can i do? relationship with b/f is in a mess, best friend said she be suppportive but she not so supportive

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Subject: turn back time


Author:
annie
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Date Posted: 18:58:17 08/27/07 Mon

Can you turn back time. I would give anything to go back to august 17th at 10am and stop myself. I can't believe i was so selfish and cowardly in thinking i couldn't do this on my own. I'm older, educated, great job, house, and family. Why was i so worried about this "messing up my life." What kind of excuse is that? The father didn't want it so it just made it seem the easiest thing. He doesn't know how to help and by saying "i still think it was the best decision in the long run" doesn't help me in the present. I can't even be around my 6 week old nephew for long before i have to leave and go home and breakdown. I'm jealous of pregnant wowan...actully i hate them. That is horrible to say! Why were they brave enough to face the world and have their child. Why didn't i think i could do it. why. i want a do over. now. I fell in love with this child from day one, decided i couldn't do that, aborted it, and now i want it back. When am i going to stop hating myself. I'm scared it will never be better.

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Subject: if someone kills me I don't care


Author:
sandra
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Date Posted: 07:44:16 07/23/07 Mon

I've been married to my husband for 10 years. I've got a lovely little daughter. I love my husband and our little family dearly and would give up my life for things to stay the way they are.
Yet i had problems with him. And I strayed. I had sex with a colleague at work. I thought I could leave my husband and start a new life with my colleague. I had protected sex with my colleague and I asked for it, yet from time to time he would try to insert it in me without condom.
Last month I found out I was pregnant.
My colleague told me he is sterile and after I found out I was pregnant I asked him to do the fertility test. He's done 2 tests, one in a fertility clinic, the other one a home test. Both came negative. No sperm. I then had 3 scans to verify the gestation age and it came out that I was most fertile during those 3 days I had sex with my collegue. I got scared. Last friday I asked him to do a test in another clinic, which he refused. I asked him to try to book that on friday so I could know the result quickly. He didn't bother and said he would do it in his own time the foollowing week.
I thought his test were maybe wrong. I don't trust this guy anymore.
I panicked and I booked an abortion appointment. I was in pain because I couldn't know for sure if he is really infertile.
I had my abortion today and feel dead inside.
I did it because I realise how important my little family is and how stupid I was. I couldn't keep the baby since there was a slight chance it could not be my husband's. I could not bear the thought of loosing him and my family. Yet I feel so guilty. I went through websites to search for support from people who had abortion and came to find 2 websites. One with images of fetuses dead in pieces and another one describing how they killthe baby. I am now truly horrified. What have I done? Please please help me.

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Subject: Heart broken


Author:
Lisa (depressed)
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Date Posted: 17:37:24 07/28/07 Sat

I'm a 16 year old that had an abortion on July 25, 2007. Just 4 days after I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby and I had everything planned out.

When my mom found out that I was pregnant, she said to me that I had to get an abortion. She said that my baby would be born unhealthy. I was ready for motherhood. I babysat my baby niece everyday and treated her like she was my baby.

When I went to Planned Parenthood I found out that I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I asked the nurse if I could see my baby's ultra-sound picture. She showed me it and I was just in awe. My baby looked so precious. I asked the nurse if I could have a copy of the picture and the nurse told me that I can when I come back in 2 weeks for my follow-up exam. Just an hour later I had the procedure done. I cried the whole time. Not because I was in pain; but because I was picturing my precious baby the whole time. The sound of the vacuum killed me.

When it was over, I was escorted to the recovery room. I couldn't stop crying. I missed my baby and regretted ever listening to my mom.

It has only been 2 days and I am still feeling depressed. I hate myself for what I did and I am mad at my mom for forcing me to get the procedure done. I would give ANYTHING to travel back in time to save my precious baby.

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Subject: I'm going over the edge


Author:
Jennifer
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Date Posted: 15:05:54 07/21/06 Fri

I am a mother of 2 young kids. I love them so much. But I am done having kids (or so I thought). My husband had a vasectomy that failed and now I am pregnant. I cannot handle another baby. Mentally I just cannot! But I am scared of abortion for many reasons. I am afraid of how much it will hurt (physically). I am afraid God won't forgive me. Because I am going into it KNOWING I will be asking forgiveness afterwards. Just doesn't seem right. I would not forgive me either. I also know my mind will be totured because of guilt. But I cannot handle another child. I just can't. I am so upset I feeling like vomiting. I can't eat, sleep, hardly even care for my kids!

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Subject: Tuesday's the day 03.20.07


Author:
Eliza
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Date Posted: 22:08:36 03/18/07 Sun

tuesday is the day. i'm 19 and frightened. my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years and we just couldn't believe we were pregnant. as far as i know, i'm about 8 weeks. not only do i cry damn near everyday but i realized i will be going through the procedure by myself. my boyfriend won't be coming with me. i don't know what to do. i know i can't change my mind because i am in no position to raise a child. but everytime i rub my stomach i just think of what a blessing he or she could be. my parents will never no and neither will my siblings. i feel all alone. i guess i'm just posting this so can get some words of wisdom from women who have been through this already especially women my age. just any words of advice right now would be good.

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Subject: Unforgivable


Author:
sarina (depressed and hurting)
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Date Posted: 15:47:53 11/12/06 Sun

Hi. My name is Sarina. I'm 16 years old. I had an abortion on May 11, 2006. I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't even know any words to express what I feel and think about myself. I was such a good girl. I never got in trouble at school, I had good grades, my parents and I always bumped heads, but other than that I was always very sheltered and never made any huge mistakes. Then one day the wrong boy came along. I met him at a party my friend and I were throwing on Dec. 17th 2005. He came with another mutual friend. There was no friendship with him and I. We started quickly into a relationship and we moved very quickly. Less than a week after my birthday, on January 28, 2006 I lost my virginity to him. My first time was horrible. I never talk about it with anyone, even my mom when she found out I was pregnant. After the first time, it just kept happening. Whenever he would ask, I would oblige. I was in love. It wasn't until March, when I was already two months late, that I talked to him about me being pregnant. I told him I was two months late and all he did was stare at me with a blank face. The next day, I couldn't reach him. I found out a few days later from a friend that he was out of town visiting family for 2 weeks. Those two weeks were hell for me. I was worrying and stressing and had no one to turn to talk to. The day he came back he came to my house to see me. All I remember of that day is that we were standing on my porch and he had his hands on my stomach and just whispered that we couldn't keep it. I always told myself that i would NEVER have an abortion no matter what. When your in the situation; though, you see things differently. I live in Texas, and you can't have an abortion without parental consent if your under 18. I tried thinking of anything. I was so scared to tell my parents. When finally I did tell them it was like I was pushed into a deeper level of hell. I couldn't talk to them without my mom telling me to go lay on my back or my dad calling me a "slut" or a "whore". May 9, 2006 I took my $50 and went to have a sonogram. I was 13.4 weeks pregnant. May 10th I had the first day of the abortion done. My best friends mom paid for it. My parents wanted nothing to do with me or anything. My dad just took me to the place, signed the papers, left, and came back when it was time for me to go home. The first day they had to put something in me to dilate me. The nurse said it was just going to be a little discomfort. It hurt worse than when I lost my virginity. May 11th was the same routine. I was dropped off and stripped from my waist down. I laid on a table and they gave me some kind of medicine to make me drowsy but not totally put me out. I remember the doctor walking in and opening sissors. I remember the pain, and kicking my legs until more nurses came in, but that's it. The next thing I rememember is the nurses helping me walk to the bathroom to put a pad on. Then as I was walking to the recovery room, I threw up. I saw no familiar faces. No hands of support. Nothing. I was in a cold doctors office sitting down waiting for my dad. The first weeks after I had the abortion I regretted it so much. My parents wouldn't take me back to have the check-up you're suppose to get, so I was worrying that something might get infected. Since I couldn't find a way back to the doctors I just tried to make sure I didn't do any of the things that could mess up something. I had breakdowns every night. I lost contact with my friends. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was 95 pounds then I dropped to 82. I couldn't worry about myself though. All I could think about was my baby. Through June and July I got better and worse; better and worse. None of my family talked to me. I spent my summer in isolation in my room.My father hated me. I understand it's because he is hurt,but I don't know. It can't be about him, I mean, I'm his daughter. He's had time to grieve and take steps to move forward and try to repair things with me, but yet he hasn't. I didn't mean to hurt my family, but they don't see that I'm hurting more. Ive tried to talk to them, but nothing gets through. Sometime in August I decided to just pretend I was fine. No one at school knew about what happened, so it wasn't too hard there. At home, my family and I talk when necessary, and all the rest of the time I'm confined to my room. I tried to get involved at school so that I don't have to think about what happened, and it worked for a while. I thought I had healed. Now I know that I haven't. All I did was push it to the side. My baby was going to be born in November. Halloween night I realized this, and all the things I had tried to run from hit me harder than ever before. I hear baby crying when I'm walking through the halls, and even louder at night while I lay awake at night. If I do fall asleep I have nightmares about my baby, and other dreams of my baby in heaven asking me to go be with them and keep them warm because they're lonely and they want their mother. I can't keep going on pretending. How do I forgive myself for murder? How does my baby forgive me?

I just want my baby back. I want to be pregnant again. I want to make up for what I lost. I want to be a good mother. I see girls and women all the time that have it harder than me, and they're making it. Sometimes I feel like I could have made it too. I feel like if they can do it I can too. Then other times I feel like, no Sarina, you made the right choice, you weren't ready to have a baby. You're still a baby yourself. I have reasons justifying that what I did was right and other reasons justifying what I did was wrong. How do I know which is right? Did I do the right thing? I feel like I'll never know. I loved my baby, but I don't think murdering them was a great way to show that. I want my baby back so much. I want to be pregnant again. I want to go back and change things. I know I can't, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could.

I hear cliche crap all the time.
"You did the right thing for you"
"There will be other times for you to be pregnant"
That all might be true, but it doesn't help. Don't tell me I can move on when I keep proving to myself that I can't. Don't tell me things are going to be fine, when they aren't even close.
I still talk to the guy who got me pregnant. We're not together anymore, but he's the only one who I can talk to that knows about what happens and doesn't judge me. He says he understands, but I know he doesn't. He didn't have to deal with any of the sh*t I did. He didn't have to kill his child. He didn't have to go through the pain. He doesn't have the nightmares at night. He's so ------- lucky. Even though I love him more than anything I think I hate him more than I hate myself becuase he allowed me to make the biggest decision of my life. He suggested it, and now he says he understands. UGH! No. I thought no one understood. I thought I was crazy. Then yesterday I took a chance and emailed Cheryl and from her site figured out that I have PAS. Wow, there's even a name for it... What do I do? How do I heal? How do I move on? Somebody... Anybody...

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Subject: wothlessness


Author:
sara
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Date Posted: 17:57:33 05/06/06 Sat

I will start like most of the woman have started. I had an abortion jan32006.
i was 33, which adds to my guilt. what a way to start the new year. my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years didn't want kids but i always had, ever since my first abotion in 1996, something i still haven' gotten over. I told him of the after effects but i suppose he thought i could handle them. he told me we would get married, and plan a family and adopt if we had to. ( i have some femaile issues and that might of been it for me.) I am a strong and resielent gal he says. The first clinic he took me too not even a week after he heard the news was filled with protestors, i found the courage to walk out. He was upset with me and told me to think about what i had done. The next think i remember was going to the emergency room because i was having cramps, Which i found our was normal. The baby was fine. But i wasn't. I knew in order to keep my boyfriend i had to go through with killing my child, benjerman, was his name. I knew it ws a boy. I always thought i could do it be a single mom, cause i knew he was not going to be there for us for long, but i had hope. 3 days later he took me to another clinic a much more personable one. and thanks to a valium my mom gave me, (she didn't even try to talk me out of it) and all the other sedatives they give you, i put my life, benjermans, life, my future happyness into the hands of a man, whom i thought would love me forever because of this sacrife. He stayed around for about a couple more weeks, and then it got ugly. i found him after a party he threw with out me, and i went insane, smashing things, breaking things, and screaming. lost of screaming, He hit me (to protect himself) and then the cops got involved. i am not like that normally, it was the after effects i now it, but they jsut keep coming. i ended up going to jail. not twenty days after the... well you know... I am on medication now, cigerettes, and alchol, but nothing works, we have not seen or spoken to each other since, that was jan 22, 2006. all the charges have been dropped, but i am not well. I hurt and have huge anxeity attacks now that are debilitating. i quit my job, can't leave my house, for fear. fear of everything. I feel less a person, less a woman, less a friend, and everyone thinks i am fine. i am a good actress. but i am scared that this will never go away. i have lost everything and i sleep with a wooden heart that i held in my hand the whole time they were doing the procedure.
Benferman, i am a failure as a mother, as a woman, as a person. This is the first time i have spoken to anyone about this. something has got to give.i am not getting any better. and worry that i never will.
please, a kind word, a harsh word, any kind of word from somebody that can relate. i used to teach children acting, but i can't be around kids, and now even mothers, or suvs with soccer balls attached, TV shows. I am a prisoner now in my own house. alone. and scared that i will never be whole again.

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Subject: Brokenhearted


Author:
Jennifer (sad)
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Date Posted: 23:54:56 07/01/07 Sun

I got a abortion six weeks ago. I know it needed to be done. We were both out of a job. Not any place would hire me. There was always someone better qualfied. Before the procedure was done I bawled my eyes for 30 mins. I cried for days after. I felt backed into a corner into doing it.My husband of 8 years does not understand. Every time I see a pregnant women I just want to scream and cry but I hold it in. I need to know how to stop this and go on with my life.It broke my heart when I told my hubby I was pregnant and less than five mintues later. He said we're getting a abortion and kept on me until I did. I know he was right. What do I need to do to get over it.

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