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Date Posted: 11:42:28 10/31/05 Mon
Author: Finn Mac Cool
Subject: Riley's choices were also somewhat limited, however
In reply to: manwitch 's message, "The term you are looking for is "whore chasing"" on 11:58:24 10/28/05 Fri

He was given an option to rejoin the military. If he joined, he probably wouldn't be able to go back for years if ever. And, while it was never said outright, I got the impression that this was Riley's last chance to rejoin; if he passed up this offer, he probably wouldn't get another one. So Riley was also left in a situation where he had to make a life altering decision in a very short period of time. It isn't fair to place that responsibility on Buffy, true, but Riley made it quite clear that she was his only possible reason for staying in Sunnydale, and decided he wouldn't stay if their relationship was dead in the water, as that would mean losing everything.

I think the main problem between Buffy and Riley was that they wanted very different things out of their relationship. Riley was looking for someone he could love and who would love him passionately, the "blood over brains" romance Spike talked about in "Lover's Walk." Buffy had been in a relationship like that for three years, however, and it had backfired on her in almost every possible way. Add in the Parker incident, and Buffy was looking to go the mature, responsible relationship route, choosing a boyfriend based on how trustworthy, reliable, and safe he seemed to be as a long term prospect. She wanted something "dependable," something that wouldn't have all the heavy angst she had with Angel, but this more intellectual and less heart based type of relationship wasn't what Riley saw as love. That's why he went to the vamp hookers, because he was looking for a kind of dangerous lust and feeling that he wasn't getting with Buffy.

What it comes down to is the importance of compromise in making a relationship work. For Buffy and Riley, they could never have a functioning relationship as long as both stubbornly clung to how they thought the relationship should be. Now one can argue that Riley should have been the one to compromise, that he was in no position to demand anything of Buffy. The funny thing is that your feelings don't always listen to your sense of right and wrong. In order for Riley to have a reason to stay without Buffy compromising was if Riley could accept her vision of a "dependable" relationship. From all we saw of Riley throughout Season 5, it looks as though he's not capable of that. You can't force your feelings to change; you can't will yourself to truly love or hate someone, and you can't force yourself to accept a different definition of love. If Riley couldn't bear having the kind of relationship with Buffy that she wanted, then he couldn't; issues of right, wrong, and blame don't factor into it.

That leaves the onus of the decision squarely on Buffy's shoulders. If Riley can't change, then Buffy's options are either to change for him or let him go. When Xander first runs into Buffy, she doesn't seem to be considering the option of change, going so far as to say she doesn't have a choice in the matter. Now I would hold nothing against Buffy if that were the case; if that were the truth of her feelings, then she and Riley broke up because, ultimately, their views on love were simply incompatible. Xander's little speech, however, puts Buffy's refusal of an emotionally open but vulnerable relationship in the context of "won't" not "can't." Xander admits it's not fair that Buffy has to make this choice, but, just like with right and wrong, that really doesn't factor into it. “If he’s not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn’t there, let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy – I’m talking scary, messy no-emotions-barred need, if you’re ready for that then think about what you’re about to lose." Xander basically described the intense yet painful sort of relationship that Buffy had with Angel and that Riley hoped to have with her, and says that, if she is still capable of that kind of love, then she has to consider the consequences of not changing; he acknowledges that she might not be capable of loving Riley the way he wants, but it clearly seems that he was right to bring up the other possibility, as Buffy comes to the conclusion that she can go for the deep sort of passion with Riley. Now, maybe Riley wasn't as adamant about change as I stated above, maybe a rousing speech could have turned him around to Buffy's way of thinking, but by the time anyone was in a position to do any convincing, Riley was already loading stuff up onto the helicoptor. Trying to convince him to see if he was truly incapable of changing or if he was just being stubborn would have been the more fair, unfortunately it just wasn't possible to do in the time frame set by Riley's military offer.

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