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Date Posted: 21:57:37 04/27/03 Sun
Author: Shanola
Subject: Focus- Part 2
In reply to:
Shanola
's message, "This is a test" on 21:49:09 04/27/03 Sun
************
Cold water poured down, running over his naked back and splashing at his feet. Michael clenched his sore muscles, trying to keep himself from shivering for even a moment. The salt in the water stung the deep welts crisscrossing his back. He raised his head, looking up at his shackled hands. They were encased in heavy manacles and chained, keeping his toes barely touching the ground. His fingers were numb. He strained, trying to move his fingers in a pattern to get the blood flowing but it was no use. Suddenly, his body gave in to the cold and he trembled violently. Dropping his head again, Michael began to count, first in French to a hundred, then English, then Chinese. He continued this way, switching from easy languages to the more difficult, eventually coming back to French. He was still cold, but he wasn't shivering so much now.
"Michael. How are you?" The voice was dripping with sarcasm. Michael raised his head again, opening bloodshot eyes to study his captor. "Do you like the sea? I always have. Salt water is so cleansing." Michael tried to turn his head, to follow the voice that was moving around behind him. "My, my. Your back is a mess, dear boy." He flinched as a hand began to trace one of the deep grooves the whip had opened. "Hmmm. Yes, this one is quite deep." The hand moved down a bit, a finger pulling at the sore. "At least the water washes the blood away. And the cold should help numb the pain some. Although all this salt could cause dehydration. Maybe a little bit of hypothermia." The voice was close to his ear now, the hand moving up and down his back, opening the welts and causing warm blood to mix with the water. "What do you think, Michael? Hmmm? Thirsty?" Michael clenched his teeth, fighting to keep his breathing normal, and the shivering at a minimum. Then the hand dropped away as the man stepped around from behind him. Meeting his eyes, Michael studied the face behind the voice. "Water, water everywhere and all the boards did shrink. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Very fitting. Don't you agree, Michael? Water, water everywhere? But you can't drink it, because it's sea water. What a shame. I'm sure you are very thirsty too. It's been, what? At least 2 days? Maybe 4? Or has it only been hours?" The man smiled again. "I have water for you, Michael. All you have to do is tell me your name. That's not so bad, is it? After all, I already know it. I just want to hear you say it and then you can have some water to wash that metallic, blood taste from your mouth. Maybe soothe your throat a little?" Michael stared unwavering, watching as the smile melted away and the face became as hard as stone. "No. I didn't think so." The man turned and signaled to the darkness. Two men stepped forward from the shadows. "You have your time. Just don't kill him or break his jaw. He must be able to speak. Understood?" The silent men nodded. "Good. Tell me when you're done." The man walked crisply away without looking back. Michael began to count again, backwards this time, as the two men stepped forward.
************
"Any word on Michael's location?" Operations was standing in the observation room looking down on a new recruit. Madeline turned to look at the same recruit before answering.
"There were signs of a struggle at his home. I think it's safe to assume that his location was compromised and he has been taken."
This caused Ops to quickly look at Madeline. "Then you don't think he's out there on his own." Madeline moved her gaze to the blonde operative who had just walked into view.
"No. Michael's loyalty shouldn't be questioned at this point." She turned to face Ops. "He has no reason to attempt liberation at this time. We should concentrate on why he was taken. And by whom."
There was a moment of silence as Operations contemplated her last remark before responding. "And how did the meeting with Morgan go?"
Madeline smiled at his question. "It went very well. Nikita had no problem convincing him that she was a legitimate buyer and they have another meeting set up for tomorrow."
Ops met her gaze. " I don't like not knowing where Michael is. Let's get that loose end tied up. Quickly."
The seriousness of his voice made Madeline pause. "Is there a particular course of action you want me to follow?", she asked, careful to keep her voice even.
"Not yet. The timing of this is just wrong. He can't be allowed to jeopardize anything."
Madeline turned back to the window and found Nikita watching them. "They haven't had time to break him. Let's not be hasty." She turned back to face Operations. "Let me find him first."
Ops looked down from the window to where Nikita was standing with Birkhoff. "Fine. Just handle it", the words were tense.
Madeline turned back to the window, "Consider it done."
************
The first incision was cold, the stainless steel of the scalpel gliding down his ribs. As streams of warm blood began to make a path down his side, Michael jerked, trying to move away from the pain. His arms strained against the binding chains as he struggled to free his legs. It was no use. He was chained firmly, wrists together above his head, legs spread and ankles manacled to the floor. Not that he could actually touch the floor now. Not after the last beating, when he had killed one of the two men abusing him. The other he had merely damaged. He almost laughed, thinking about it. They had looked so shocked when he had lashed out at them, totally unprepared for a man who been beaten as badly as he had to even be able to move. It hadn't done him any good, though. That's when they had stretched him up further and chained him more securely. It was also when they had brought their "Doctor" in to see him.
The scalpel slid along the same line as the first cut, separating muscles this time instead of mere skin. Every muscle in Michael's body flexed and he clenched his teeth tighter, not quite managing to keep a groan of pain inside. It was the first sound he had made, the first sign of weakness and he knew it. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting the blackness and waves of nausea that threatened to overtake him. When he opened them a few seconds later, his breathing somewhat normal, the pain controlled, he met the smiling eyes of his captor. "He really is a very good Doctor, Michael. You'll see." Michael looked down at his left side, where the short little man was working. The incision was about six inches long and blood was welling out of the cut with every breath he took. Sucking air between his teeth, he began to count again. It wasn't working anymore. He lost the thought as the Doctor peeled skin and muscle away to expose the gleaming bones of his ribcage. This time, he didn't even try to stay conscious.
************
"Birkhoff, I'm in." Nikita spoke in a low voice. She was alone in the elevator, going down to meet Morgan for the final information exchange.
"Good, Nikita. I've got your location. Everything is under control." Birkhoff keyed a sequence into the computer, making minor adjustments to the frequency level Nikita was using. "We may get a little fuzzy if he takes you real deep, but we shouldn't lose contact."
"I hope not. I am not looking forward to this" , Nikita tried to keep the anxiety she was feeling from her voice. Where is Michael's smooth confidence when I need it most, she thought to herself.
"You're doing fine, Nikita." This time it was Madeline's voice she heard. It just didn't give her the same feeling of security as Michael's voice.
"Here we go", Nikita whispered as the elevator stopped and she stood up straightening her business suit as the doors swooshed open. Cautiously, she moved out into the hall.
"Hello, JC. I see you made it. And right on time, too." Morgan greeted her as she stepped forward. "We have already gotten started. I do hope you don't mind, but this one well this one is quite special." Morgan smiled at Nikita's raised eyebrows. "Step this way and I'll give you the file", Morgan placed one hand on the small of Nikita's back as he indicated the direction with his other.
Nikita allowed the contact, even though she was repulsed by Morgan and his little games. She had been through three days of these silly meetings and she was ready to get it over with once and for all. Careful to keep her face neutral, Nikita let the door be opened for her.
"After you, my dear", Morgan drawled.
Nikita stepped into the room. It was furnished simply with a desk, computer and two chairs. She paused at the desk before asking, "The file is here?"
Morgan smiled as he punched buttons on the keyboard. "Here you go. Please, have a seat as you read it." He pulled out one of the chairs and held it for Nikita.
Nikita smiled as she put down her bag and took the chair, turning to the screen. "Well, let's see what you've got here." She began to read the medical file. It was very clean and well documented. It was also obvious that Morgan was not going to leave her alone to read the file. She turned to him and smiled again. "It's not very long. I take it you haven't had this one for very long?"
"No, my dear. I think of it as a challenge to break them in as little time as possible. This one has been here longer than most." Morgan was looking at Nikita closely.
"Be careful Nikita", Madeline warned.
Nikita met Morgan's gaze unflinching. "Of course", she replied, answering both Madeline and Morgan at the same time. Then she turned back and began to read off the main points of the file, saying them under her breath so Madeline could hear, but in such a way that Morgan thought she was engrossed in the file.
After a few moments, Morgan stood, placing a hand on Nikita's shoulder. Startled, she looked up to find him smiling down at her. "I'm going to go check on our guest. I'll be back in a moment and we can discuss your suggestions. You don't mind?"
"Certainly not", Nikita smiled back at Morgan. "Take your time. This looks very interesting." She breathed a small sigh of relief as the door closed. "OK, Madeline", she muttered, "Here we go."
************
Michael was in Nikita's apartment. He could feel her presence surround him: it was in everything he touched. In a moment, he knew he would have to leave. They would be there to clean it out. To them, Nikita was dead, killed by him on the last abeyance mission. He stood, breathing her scent one last time. He had set her free, one way or the other. He only hoped she had gotten out in time. Odd, he didn't remember her sink dripping constantly like that. He cocked his head, listening. From somewhere far away came a high, whining sound. It reminded him of a dentists drill. He opened his eyes then, not realizing they had been closed. He turned to the sound, wondering why Nikita had a drill here, trying to make it fit into place as it came close to his side. Suddenly, there was a blinding white flash and he was in Section. There she was, training with Birkhoff and trading innuendoes with Walter. He stood off to one side, watching her light Section with her special glow. Her blonde hair flipped over her shoulder as her blue eyes met his. She had smiled at him. Nikita. Images came more quickly then, of Nikita training. Sleeping. Killing. He saw her learning and he saw her crying from behind iron bars. There she was smiling. Mostly, though, he saw her strength, her ability to survive whatever was thrown her way. It was the reason he had brought her into Section. She not only survived, she triumphed! He grabbed at that part of her and held on. Focus, he thought through waves of agony, remember every detail. Nikita.
************
"Nikita, I can't break the code at this terminal. It isn't connected to the rest of the system. You'll have to get to the main computer, or access a terminal that's hooked into the system." Birkhoff's revelation did not improve Nikita's mood. She had hoped he would be able to get the information from this location, thus preventing her from further contact with Morgan. She frowned in dismay. That was probably why Morgan had left her alone in the first place. He knew this terminal was isolated. Damn.
"Nikita, get back to your original screen. There is movement in the hall." Madeline's cool voice ordered her into action.
Quickly punching a few keys, the computer cleared, finishing just as the door opened behind her. Nikita stood and smiled at Morgan. "Everything all right?" she asked, keeping her voice even as she smoothed her skirt.
Morgan's eyes followed Nikita's hands as they brushed down the front of her thighs. He smiled. "Splendid, my dear, splendid! Shall we?" he asked, holding the door open for her.
Nikita picked up her bag and looked demurely at him. "Certainly" she murmured throatily as she swayed past him.
"We have made a little progress since that file was last updated. I think you'll be surprised. I hope you will be, at least." Morgan smiled again as he stopped at a door. "I would consider it an honor if I could surprise the great JC."
Nikita studied Morgan. "I'm sure you will," she replied after a moment. "I just love surprises." And she sashayed through the door.
************
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Michael/Morgan scene -- O-Buuuuuhg, 14:00:29 05/01/03 Thu
Focus- Part 2
************
Cold water poured down, running over his naked back and splashing at his feet.
Cold water ran down his naked back and splashed at his feet. (Stay away from using ing as much as possible; it makes your verbs passive.)
Michael clenched his sore muscles, trying Omit TRYING to keep himself Omit HIMSELF from shivering for even a moment. Suggest omitting FOR EVEN A MOMENT.
Michael clenched his muscles to keep from shivering.
The salt in the water stung the deep welts crisscrossing his back. He raised his head, Suggest omitting RAISED HIS HEAD since you say HE LOOKED UP looking LOOKED up at his shackled hands. You can omit THEY WERE and just continue the action.
But there’s that looking thing again. How about omitting the looking part all together and saying his hands were shackled to a chain above his head, that the chain was only low enough to allow his toes to touch the floor?
They were encased in heavy manacles and chained, keeping his toes barely touching the ground. His fingers were numb. He strained, trying to move his fingers in a pattern Omit IN A PATTERN to get the blood flowing but it was no use. Suddenly, Omit SUDDENLY, just show the action happening. his body gave in to the cold and he trembled violently. Dropping his head again, Michael began to count, first in French to a hundred, then English, then Chinese. I think it’d be neat to see the first few numbers in French–that way I feel like I’m there and not so much like it’s a writer telling me what Michael’s doing. He continued this way, switching from easy languages to the more difficult, eventually coming back to French. He was still cold, but he wasn't shivering so much now.
One of my research books talks about body temperature monitoring. I’ll have to paraphrase because the book isn’t with me now, but it talked about training an operative to THINK about warmth, to FEEL it begin at the fingertips, move though the fingers to the hand, wrist, up the arms, etc., until the operative WAS warm.
"Michael. How are you?" The voice was Omit WAS dripping DRIPPED, no ing with sarcasm.
New paragraph. Michael raised his head again, opening bloodshot eyes to study his captor. It reads better if you just say Michael studied his captor. and then follow that by letting me see if the captor has a big nose, bushy eyebrows, or a big stupid grin. It’s an invitation of sorts when you say so-and-so looks at whomever. Don’t leave me hanging!
New paragraph. "Do you like the sea? I always have. Salt water is so cleansing." Michael tried to turn his head, to follow the voice Instead of the voice, how about the man, or whatever label Michael’s given him? that was moving MOVED around behind him. Omit either AROUND or BEHIND.
Every movement is going to be a killer, so why does Michael turn his head to follow the man (not the voice, by the way)? If it’s important to Michael about how Morgan perceives him, I’d like to know and to know why.
What follows of the rest of this scene (of your work) was a huge paragraph of action, thoughts and dialogue that should be broken up into smaller paragraphs. Even though Morgan is the only speaker, you’re including Michael’s thoughts and actions by both. Whenever you introduce a new thought (whether it’s action or thought by the same character, but especially when it IS by a different character), you need a new paragraph. There are exceptions and bending of rules, but it’s mainly a stylistic issue and I think it’d be confusing to go into that.
In any case, I’ve broken up the block into paragraphs of my own choosing. *g*
"My, my. Your back is a mess, dear boy." He (Omit HE and add MICHEL so I don’t have to figure out which HE you’re referring to.) flinched as a hand began to trace one of the deep grooves the whip had opened. "Hmmm. Yes, this one is quite deep." The hand moved down a bit, a finger pulling at the sore. This is really sick. And I guess that would be a good thing if one was into this graphic kind of description . . .
New Pargraph. "At least the water washes the blood away. And the cold should help numb the pain some. Although all this salt could cause dehydration. Maybe a little bit of hypothermia."
Since your next to the last sentence talks about salt causing dehydration, it seems by the last sentence that salt also causes hypothermia. (You’re missing a subject in your last sentence, which is a fragment.) If you use fragments, they should continue the thought introduced by the previous sentence or paragraph. (But does salt water on your body really cause dehydration? I honestly don’t know.)
The voice was close to his ear now, the hand moving up and down his back, opening the welts and causing warm blood to mix with the water. (Gross!) Get rid of the words ending in ing. "What do you think, Michael? Hmmm? Thirsty?"
Michael clenched his teeth, fighting to keep his breathing normal, and the shivering at a minimum. Then the hand dropped away as the man stepped around from behind him. Meeting his eyes, Michael studied the face behind the voice. Well, I wish I could see what Michael’s seeing. *g* (I think . . .)
"Water, water everywhere and all the boards did shrink. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Very fitting. Don't you agree, Michael? Water, water everywhere? But you can't drink itÀ
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The WHOLE Michael/Morgan scene (board burp) -- O-Bug, 14:16:50 05/01/03 Thu
Focus- Part 2
************
Cold water poured down, running over his naked back and splashing at his feet.
Cold water ran down his naked back and splashed at his feet. (Stay away from using ing as much as possible; it makes your verbs passive.)
Michael clenched his sore muscles, trying Omit TRYING to keep himself Omit HIMSELF from shivering for even a moment. Suggest omitting FOR EVEN A MOMENT.
Michael clenched his muscles to keep from shivering.
The salt in the water stung the deep welts crisscrossing his back. He raised his head, Suggest omitting RAISED HIS HEAD since you say HE LOOKED UP looking LOOKED up at his shackled hands. You can omit THEY WERE and just continue the action.
But there’s that looking thing again. How about omitting the looking part all together and saying his hands were shackled to a chain above his head, that the chain was only low enough to allow his toes to touch the floor?
They were encased in heavy manacles and chained, keeping his toes barely touching the ground. His fingers were numb. He strained, trying to move his fingers in a pattern Omit IN A PATTERN to get the blood flowing but it was no use. Suddenly, Omit SUDDENLY, just show the action happening. his body gave in to the cold and he trembled violently. Dropping his head again, Michael began to count, first in French to a hundred, then English, then Chinese. I think it’d be neat to see the first few numbers in French–that way I feel like I’m there and not so much like it’s a writer telling me what Michael’s doing. He continued this way, switching from easy languages to the more difficult, eventually coming back to French. He was still cold, but he wasn't shivering so much now.
One of my research books talks about body temperature monitoring. I’ll have to paraphrase because the book isn’t with me now, but it talked about training an operative to THINK about warmth, to FEEL it begin at the fingertips, move though the fingers to the hand, wrist, up the arms, etc., until the operative WAS warm.
"Michael. How are you?" The voice was Omit WAS dripping DRIPPED, no ing with sarcasm.
New paragraph. Michael raised his head again, opening bloodshot eyes to study his captor. It reads better if you just say Michael studied his captor. and then follow that by letting me see if the captor has a big nose, bushy eyebrows, or a big stupid grin. It’s an invitation of sorts when you say so-and-so looks at whomever. Don’t leave me hanging!
New paragraph. "Do you like the sea? I always have. Salt water is so cleansing." Michael tried to turn his head, to follow the voice Instead of the voice, how about the man, or whatever label Michael’s given him? that was moving MOVED around behind him. Omit either AROUND or BEHIND.
Every movement is going to be a killer, so why does Michael turn his head to follow the man (not the voice, by the way)? If it’s important to Michael about how Morgan perceives him, I’d like to know and to know why.
What follows of the rest of this scene (of your work) was a huge paragraph of action, thoughts and dialogue that should be broken up into smaller paragraphs. Even though Morgan is the only speaker, you’re including Michael’s thoughts and actions by both. Whenever you introduce a new thought (whether it’s action or thought by the same character, but especially when it IS by a different character), you need a new paragraph. There are exceptions and bending of rules, but it’s mainly a stylistic issue and I think it’d be confusing to go into that.
In any case, I’ve broken up the block into paragraphs of my own choosing. *g*
"My, my. Your back is a mess, dear boy." He (Omit HE and add MICHEL so I don’t have to figure out which HE you’re referring to.) flinched as a hand began to trace one of the deep grooves the whip had opened. "Hmmm. Yes, this one is quite deep." The hand moved down a bit, a finger pulling at the sore. This is really sick. And I guess that would be a good thing if one was into this graphic kind of description . . .
New Pargraph. "At least the water washes the blood away. And the cold should help numb the pain some. Although all this salt could cause dehydration. Maybe a little bit of hypothermia."
Since your next to the last sentence talks about salt causing dehydration, it seems by the last sentence that salt also causes hypothermia. (You’re missing a subject in your last sentence, which is a fragment.) If you use fragments, they should continue the thought introduced by the previous sentence or paragraph. (But does salt water on your body really cause dehydration? I honestly don’t know.)
The voice was close to his ear now, the hand moving up and down his back, opening the welts and causing warm blood to mix with the water. (Gross!) Get rid of the words ending in ing. "What do you think, Michael? Hmmm? Thirsty?"
Michael clenched his teeth, fighting to keep his breathing normal, and the shivering at a minimum. Then the hand dropped away as the man stepped around from behind him. Meeting his eyes, Michael studied the face behind the voice. Well, I wish I could see what Michael’s seeing. *g* (I think . . .)
"Water, water everywhere and all the boards did shrink. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Very fitting. Don't you agree, Michael? Water, water everywhere? But you can't drink it, because it's sea water. What a shame. I'm sure you are very thirsty too. It's been, what? At least 2 two days? Maybe 4 four ? I believe numbers ten and under are spelled out. Or has it only been hours?"
The man smiled again. I’d rather see him do something else. Finger his chin, fold his arms, see his expression cloud over at Michael’s stubborn silence. "I have water for you, Michael. All you have to do is tell me your name. That's not so bad, is it? After all, I already know it. I just want to hear you say it and then you can have some water to wash that metallic, blood taste from your mouth. Maybe soothe your throat a little?"
Too much dialogue without a break for thought, feelings or movement, things that also breathe life into a story. When most people talk, they don’t just stand there like a statue. Some people use broad gestures, some peoples eyebrows go up and down, there’s pausing, throat clearing, you name it. (There’s also too much repetition of the word water, which makes me want to pop Morgan a good one.)
About the say your name, Michael and Michael’s reluctance to do so . . . I vaguely remember reading in one of my research materials about maintaining silence, that it’s a form of control (in this case, probably the victim’s only form of control). At the time the interrogator is trying to break down the victim by making him talk, the victim is trying to counter the interrogator’s position of power by NOT giving him what he wants in order to feel a small measure of confidence to KEEP holding out (which is imperative for the victim). But not everyone will know about this and if you don’t mention the reason for Michael’s stand, it comes across rather silly, IMO.
Michael stared unwavering, watching as the smile melted away and the face became as hard as stone. "No. I didn't think so." Stared or watched, pick one. Suggest getting rid of BECAME (passive). Better yet, just say Michael watched Morgan’s expression turn to stone.
The man turned and signaled to the darkness. Unless he’s a supernatural being, the darkness isn’t going to do squat for him. *g* I’d suggest omitting the first sentence entirely and beginning with this one: Two men stepped forward from If you omit FORWARD FROM, you can add OUT OF the shadows. "You have your time. Just don't kill him or break his jaw. He must be able to speak. Understood?"
If you omit Morgan’s first line about time, the word JUST and UNDERSTAND, you have quite a sinister mood going with an economy of words (a case where less is definitely better because it leaves all sorts of images in the reader’s mind):
“Don’t break his jaw. I want him able to speak.”
The silent men nodded. "Good. Tell me when you're done." The man walked crisply away without looking back. I’d omit these four sentences entirely. Follow with Michael’s focus. Very dramatic!
Michael began to count again, backwards this time, as the two men stepped forward.
************
How're you holding up, Shanola? Do you want to murder me yet?
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Apologies for interrupting the beta, but (r) -- JayBee, 09:42:37 05/06/03 Tue
there was one thing that struck me as a little odd. You wrote:
***Shanola: Cold water poured down, running over his naked back and splashing at his feet. O-bug: Cold water ran down his naked back and splashed at his feet. (Stay away from using ing as much as possible; it makes your verbs passive.)***
I might be misunderstanding you here, but are you criticizing the original wording as being in passive voice? If so, that wouldn't be accurate: the "ing" forms used here are active, not passive. (The "actor" is the water.) That particular "ing" construction is used (now *that's* passive, LOL) to convey simultaneity of actions. That is, the water ran and splashed *at exactly the same time* that it poured. Sometimes, this construction adds a nice vividness to writing, although some writers can overuse it. Personally, I think it works rather well in this particular sentence, although your revision is also nice.
Just my two cents -- and sorry if I misinterpreted what you were saying.
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Thanks for bringing that up, JayBee (r) -- Nell, 10:00:38 05/06/03 Tue
I'd been wondering about the same thing; if O-bug meant 'passive voice' - for as you pointed out, Shanola's construction of this sentence was in 'active voice,' 'voice' being the relationship of the subject to the verb - or if O-Bug was making a more personal comment about taste with regards to prefered verb tenses.
Both sentences are nice. Like Jaybee, I think I would lean towards the vividness of Shanola's, but the spare, lean, flat quality of O-Bug's shorter, tighter version is very true to the mood of LFN. Which is to be preferred in this case all depends on the overall style of the piece, I think.
Nell
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What caught my attention ... -- O-Bug, 12:45:38 05/06/03 Tue
... about the opening sentence was the act of water pouring down from a nameless source. That's what really bothered me now that I've looked at it again. I like to see things as they happen when I'm reading, and I'd prefer that the story characters reveal the action, not the writer. I want to forget that I'm reading when I'm reading.
However, when I saw the two ing words, that's what I focused on. I was taught to avoid words ending in ing and ly as much as possible because words ending with these suffixes tend to come across as passive. And yes, that is my opinion. *g*
But, do you know what? I've been hesitant to offer more feedback in the event my comments are keeping others from stepping up to the plate. I don't want my opinions to be the only ones aired.
And like I said in my first feedback bit to Shanola, I think she came up with a great idea. But I also feel like a heel because my feedback indicates that there's a lot more work to be invested, when it appears others may not feel that way.
What else are we to make of the silence? Are people really this afraid to offer critique? And do I look bad because I'm offering it?
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Not everyone (r) -- Athena4, 15:47:25 05/06/03 Tue
Is experienced at Beta-ing, nor is everyone interested in it beyond it being a learning experience to see what beta-readers do. Beta reading is a challenge, and a trial, it's not everyone's cup of tea.. just like writing isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Personally, I haven't found the time to tackle the other two sections, but I do plan to get back to it.
Plus, a lot of people don't read with a "critical" eye. Sometimes its hard to look beyond the excitment of the story and see the potential problems. A lot of people read just for pleasure, and nothing else. So asking them to beta read is asking them to use a part of their mind that they may prefer not to when reading.
There might also be some fear involved. Shanola is an established writer, who has been writing in LFN for several years (although she's been quiet recently). People might fear they'll insult her, or that their comments will be laughed at because they're not "up to standard".
This might be a good example of the "niceness" of LFN fandom. A lot of people might not be willing to "hurt her feelings.
You're not a "heel", nor do you "look bad" for participating. Shanola asked for honest feedback, well aware that some of it might sting. This was her first story, it wasn't perfect - I'm positive that most of us can say that about our first stories.
Don't feel bad about it.
You're participating - this is what Shanola wanted. You've also started some "critical" feedback of your own in people's responses to your betas. It shows a great deal about the subjectivity of beta-reading. Of particular styles etc.
Looking back at my beta, and at yours.. we grasped onto different things. That's just the way is. That's why sometimes, more than one beta is helpful as well. Some people are simply more focused on grammar, others on plot, others on tone.
It's a learning experience. For all of us.
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Um...what Athena said.*g* -- Shanola, 17:46:24 05/06/03 Tue
I agree with what Athena said.
The second part of this, naturally, is the rewriting stage. I still debate on that, but I'm leaning toward rewriting. I'd like to have the entire beta process up there. Some of the changes that have been suggested, I'll take, and some I won't. But all of them have made me think and look critically at the story. That's what a beta is about.*g*
But I don't want to start rewriting until the beta is complete. So please continue. =D
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I'm enjoying the betas, even though I'm not doing one myself... -- JayBee, 18:58:06 05/06/03 Tue
I think Athena explained better than I could why more people aren't offering feedback here. I would only add one more reason (which is the primary one that applies to me): the betas that others (you, ~delle, Athena) have done have, in combination, pretty much covered any topics I would have raised. It's been a lot of fun reading them, and I hope that my (and others') silence hasn't been interpreted as lack of interest.
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First part -- O-Bug, 13:49:02 05/07/03 Wed
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"Any word on Michael's location?" Operations was standing in the observation room The perch? looking down on a new recruit. Madeline turned to look at the same recruit before answering. Why are the two of them so interested in a new recruit? I don’t think you want me focusing on a new recruit, but you’ve made this person the focus by the attention Maddy and Ops are giving the person.
"There were signs of a struggle at his home. I think it's safe to assume that his location was compromised and he has been taken." And now I’m wondering if this is the home with Elena and Adam, but that’s only because I’ve seen all five episodes.
This caused Suggest omitting THIS CAUSED; let actions speak for themselves. Ops to quickly look at Madeline. "Then you don't think he's out there on his own." I don’t understand how Maddy’s answer lead to Ops’ question, nor do I totally understand what he’s asking. Madeline moved her gaze to the blonde operative who had just walked into view. Nikita, right? (Why not say so, since it appears by reading on, that the blond op is Nikita?) And why are you interrupting Maddy and Ops’ conversation to say Maddy moves her gaze to Nikita? Does Maddy see something unusual? Think something unusual? There should be a reason, IMO.
I know it seems I’m being awfully nit-picky here, but telling a story is a different medium than seeing all of those *heavy looks* on TV that easily communicate feelings. If something’s going on, the writer has to show what’s going on. Just writing that Maddy moved her gaze to the blond operative (Nikita) isn’t enough because it doesn’t tell me anything, move the story forward, or add suspense.
"No. Michael's loyalty shouldn't be questioned at this point." Why does Ops suspect Michael of disloyalty? Until the end of the episode MERCY, wasn’t Michael the epitome of a perfect operative? If Ops has any leftover feelings of doubt about how Michael and Nikita pulled one over on him when M brought N back in, I think they would lend credence to his feelings of suspicion here. She turned to face Ops. "He has no reason to attempt liberation at this time. We should concentrate on why he was taken. And by whom." Seems as if even Maddy can’t understand Ops’ reasoning. *g*
There was a moment of silence as Operations contemplated her last remark before responding. "And how did the meeting with Morgan go?"
Madeline smiled at his question. "It went very well. Nikita had no problem convincing him that she was a legitimate buyer and they have another meeting set up for tomorrow."
Ops met her gaze. " I don't like not knowing where Michael is. Let's get that loose end tied up. Quickly."
The seriousness of his voice made Madeline pause. Isn’t Ops always serious? "Is there a particular course of action you want me to follow?", she asked, careful to keep her voice even.
"Not yet. The timing of this is just wrong. He can't be allowed to jeopardize anything." Again, because I don’t know what Morgan has that Ops wants so bad, I don’t understand what’s at stake or what Michael might jeopardize. If I did, I might feel a sense of urgence as well. Instead, I just feel confused.
Madeline turned back to the window and found Nikita watching them. "They Who is they? haven't had time to break him. Let's not be hasty." Would Maddy say this to Ops? She turned back to face Operations. "Let me find him first."
Ops looked down from the window to where Nikita was standing with Birkhoff. "Fine. Just handle it", the words were tense.
Madeline turned back to the window, Suggest omitting the sentence in red and letting the dialogue stand alone. "Consider it done."
Don’t forget body language, sounds, touch and internal character thought, which will help take the burden off of you to describe the characters looking and staring at each other and others.
I also think it’s important to show why Ops is so concerned over Michael’s absence in this instance because in lieu of that, I’m wondering at the reason for this scene. Scenes like this take away from the intent of your story (Michael and Nikita’s focus throughout the mission). Make sure their inclusion has a purpose tjat can be understood by the reader, or you may lose the reader due to confusion.
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The first incision was cold, the stainless steel of the scalpel gliding down his ribs. As streams of warm blood began to make a path down his side, Michael jerked, trying to move away from the pain. Here is where I wanted to see the wielder of the scalpel, since I know it’s not moving on its own. His arms strained against the binding chains as he struggled to free his legs. It was no use. He was chained firmly, wrists together above his head, legs spread and ankles manacled to the floor. Not that he could actually touch the floor now. Confusing-he was last strung up by a chain hanging from above, right? And here you say he is manacled to the floor, yet he’s not touching the floor. When reading on, I got the impression he’s strung bowstring tight horizontal to the floor. But I’m not at all sure if this impression is correct either, so my suggestion is to reword for clarity.
Not (you began your previous sentence with this word) after the last beating, when he had killed one of the two men abusing him. Suggest rewording so the meaning is clear that Michael’s punishment for killing one of the men is being strung up bowstring-style and left to hang by the ankle and wrists. I also wonder if this is even possible, if the weight of one’s body hanging this way would break the ankle or wrists. The other he had merely damaged. He almost laughed, thinking about it. They had looked so shocked when he had lashed out at them, totally unprepared for a man who been beaten as badly as he had to even be able to move. It hadn't done him any good, though. That's when they had stretched him up further and chained him more securely. It was also when they had brought their "Doctor" in to see him.
The scalpel slid along the same line as the first cut, separating muscles this time instead of mere skin. Every muscle in Michael's body flexed and he clenched his teeth tighter, not quite managing to keep a groan of pain inside. It was the first sound he had made, the first sign of weakness and he knew it. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting the blackness and waves of nausea that threatened to overtake him. When he opened them a few seconds later, his breathing somewhat normal, the pain controlled, he met the smiling eyes of his captor. Nicely worded paragraph here. Unfortunately, you gave good visuals and now I’m all queasy inside.
New paragraph. "He really is a very good dDoctor, Michael. You'll see." Instead of a doctor, which could mean anything, how about some sort of cosmetic surgeon? Or just a surgeon? Michael looked down at his left side, where the short little Omit either short or little man was working. The incision was about six inches long and blood was welling out of the cut with every breath he took. Sucking air between his teeth, he began to count again. It wasn't working anymore. He lost the thought as the dDoctor peeled skin and muscle away to expose the gleaming bones of his ribcage. This time, he didn't even try to stay conscious. Another vividly-worded paragraph that left me feeling green. However . . . what does Morgan want? He’s not pressing for information from Michael any more. Why?
Well, I have to confess that if I wasn't critiquing this, I’d skip right over the torture scenes. Blood and gore don’t interest me. I am very interested in Michael’s methods of withstanding brutality, but I felt that your focus centered too much on the act--here and previously--to the exclusion of Michael’s internal battle, which is what I’m mainly interested in. And in focusing on the act, I think you’re missing the opportunity to humanize Michael and to demonstrate his focus. Where does he go in his head when things get bad? (I think surviving something of this magnitude calls for something more than counting.)
I know your next torture scene opens with a kind of escape, but I saw it as Michael hallucinating, which isn’t the same thing as a survival technique escape.
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Second part -- O-Bug, 13:51:21 05/07/03 Wed
"Birkhoff, I'm in." Nikita spoke in a low voice. She was alone in the elevator, going down to meet Morgan for the final information exchange.
"Good, Nikita. Would he would say this? I’d begin with: I've got your location. I’d also suggest omitting: Everything is under control." Birkhoff keyed a sequence into the computer, making minor adjustments to the frequency level Nikita was using. "We may get a little fuzzy if he takes you real deep, but we shouldn't lose contact."
"I hope not. I am not looking forward to this" , I like Nikita’s internal thoughts here, but would she voice her hopes or fears about the mission? Nikita tried to keep the anxiety she was feeling from her voice. Where is Michael's smooth confidence when I need it most, she thought to herself.
"You're doing fine, Nikita." This time it was Madeline's voice she heard. It just didn't give her the same feeling of security as Michael's voice.
"Here we go", Nikita whispered I don’t understand why Maddy is acting as cheerleader on this mission, or why Nikita has so readily accepted Maddy’s role as such. I’d suggest cutting right to the chase – get Nikita to Morgan and to Michael. Forget about Birkoff and Madeline. At this point, they are interruptions. (I'm sorry! But that’s how I feel.) as the elevator stopped and she stood up straightening her business suit as the doors swooshed open. Cautiously, she moved out into the hall.
Why cautiously? She's JC now, not Nikita, right?
"Hello, JC. I see you made it. And right on time, too." Morgan greeted her as she stepped forward. Here, you show the greeting and then you reiterate that he greeted her. I'd probably just show the action of the greeting taking place. "We have already gotten started. I'm not sure why this is important. How would Morgan know until they began the information extraction process that they'd need another specialist like JC? I do hope you don't mind, but this one well this one is quite special." Morgan smiled at Nikita's raised eyebrows. "Step this way and I'll give you the file", Morgan placed one hand on the small of Nikita's back as he indicated the direction with his other.
Nikita allowed the contact, even though she was repulsed by Morgan and his little games. She had been through three days of these silly meetings About what, exactly? IMO, what they'd discuss in these meetings (the victim? purpose of information extraction? methods of extraction? Morgan's problems in getting the victim to speak?) are important. and she was ready to get it over with once and for all. Careful to keep her face neutral, Nikita let the door be opened for her.
"After you, my dear", Morgan drawled.
Nikita stepped into the room. It was furnished simply with a desk, computer and two chairs. She paused at the desk before asking, "The file is here?"
Morgan smiled as he punched buttons on the keyboard. "Here you go. Please, have a seat as you read it." He pulled out one of the chairs and held it for Nikita.
Nikita smiled as she put down her bag and took the chair, turning to the screen. "Well, let's see what you've got here." She began to read the medical file. It was very clean and well documented. It was also obvious that Morgan was not going to leave her alone to read the file. She turned to him and smiled again. "It's not very long. I take it you haven't had this one for very long?"
"No, my dear. I think of it as a challenge to break them in as little time as possible. This one has been here longer than most." How long? Morgan was looking at Nikita closely. Why?
"Be careful Nikita", Madeline warned. Be careful of what?!
Nikita met Morgan's gaze unflinching. "Of course", she replied, answering both Madeline and Morgan at the same time. What was the question? Then she turned back and began to read off the main points of the file, saying them under her breath so Madeline could hear, but in such a way that Morgan thought she was engrossed in the file. I wish I could hear what the main points of the file are. I feel too much in the dark about what Morgan's after.
After a few moments, Morgan stood, placing a hand on Nikita's shoulder. Startled, she looked up to find him smiling down at her. "I'm going to go check on our guest. I'll be back in a moment and we can discuss your suggestions. You don't mind?" Why would he ask her such a thing? Isn’t he employing Nikita/JC to do a job for him?
"Certainly not", Nikita smiled back at Morgan. "Take your time. This looks very interesting." She breathed a small sigh of relief as the door closed. "OK, Madeline", she muttered, "Here we go." Here she goes with what?
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What's interesting and what works in the previous scene between Morgan and Nikita is that anyone reading will know what's in store for her. This is a great hook that involves a reader. It's building suspense and anticipation.
What doesn't work for me about the scene is that Morgan and Nikita reveal nothing of importance -- there is nothing that furthers your plot or that serves to up the ante. My suggestion is to reveal something pertinent during Morgan and Nikita's dialogue. Maybe . . . some sort of clue that makes her think of Michael? Or, maybe she reads something in the file (that readers will also see) that will raise her sympathy.
But I really think there should be some kind of reason for the scene. Go back to the title of your story: maybe it could be something having to do with an operative's need to focus . . .
#
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I forget where I am, but ... -- O-Bug, 14:46:00 05/12/03 Mon
... it's taking too long to find the right section, wait for it to download and hope the Reply to this message choice is at the bottom of it. *g*
So, I'll just continue on from here.
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I’m breaking up the huge paragraph that followed into smaller paragraphs of my own choosing. Purely stylistic.
Michael was in Suggest omitting WAS IN and adding stood Nikita's apartment. He could feel felt instead of could feel her presence surround him: it was in everything he touched. In a moment, he knew Suggest omitting HE KNEW he would have to leave. They would be there to clean it out. To them, Nikita was dead, killed by him Suggest omitting WAS DEAD, KILLED BY HIM and adding had been cancelled along with five other abeyance operatives by explosion on the last abeyance mission. Well, I suggest rewording however you see fit, in any case.
He stood, Suggest omitting STOOD (if you choose to use this word above, that is) breathing her scent one last time. –> He had set her free, one way or the other. He only hoped she had gotten out in time. <–Suggest omitting these two sentences since they are inherently understood by anyone who’s seen the show. Odd, he didn't remember her sink dripping constantly like that. Is there a dripping sound where Morgan is keeping Michael? Or, are you referring to water (blood?) that may be dripping from Michael’s body? He cocked his head, listening. From somewhere far away came a high, whining sound. It reminded him of a dentists drill. He opened his eyes then, not realizing they had been closed. He turned to the sound, wondering why Nikita had a drill here, trying to make it fit into place as it came close to his side.
Suddenly, there was a blinding white flash and he was in Section. The white flash reference is confusing. Is this Michael’s response to the pain of the drill on his body? There she was, training with Birkhoff and trading innuendoes with Walter. He stood off to one side, watching her light Section with her special glow. Her blonde hair flipped over her shoulder as her blue eyes met his. She had smiled at him. Nikita. Images came more quickly then, of Nikita training. Sleeping. Killing. He saw her learning and he saw her crying from behind iron bars. There she was smiling. Mostly, though, he saw her strength, her ability to survive whatever was thrown her way. It was the reason he had brought her into Section. She not only survived, she triumphed! He grabbed at that part of her and held on. Focus, he thought through waves of agony, remember every detail. Nikita.
I like where you went with the above paragraph, but the way you wrote it is keeping me at arm’s length. Most of the action in the paragraph is passive because you’re not allowing me to “see” the memory. My suggestion is to pick one or two poignant memories, and to consider the reason behind why Michael would think of a certain memory, i.e., the moment when he realizes Nikita’s insouciance isn’t an act, or an unexpected moment when she’s emotionally demanding and he inadvertently responds, or almost does, or another such defining moment. Or, pick a canon moment from Season One. Some examples – Nikita’s nervousness and Michael’s “Dance for me.” in LOVE; the end of the hand dance scene in ESCAPE; Michael overhearing Nikita’s conversation with Madeline about his seduction of Lisa Fanning, and seeing the look on her face, in OBSESSED, etc.
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"Nikita, I can't break the code at this terminal. It isn't connected to the rest of the system. You'll have to get to the main computer, or access a terminal that's hooked into the system." Birkhoff's revelation did not improve Nikita's mood. She had hoped he would be able to get the information from this location, thus preventing her from further contact with Morgan. She frowned in dismay. That was probably why Morgan had left her alone in the first place. He knew this terminal was isolated. Damn.
"Nikita, get back to your original screen. There is movement in the hall." Madeline's cool voice ordered her into action.
(Nikita punched) Quickly punching a few keys, the computer cleared, finishing just as the door opened behind her. Nikita stood and smiled at Morgan. "Everything all right?" she asked, I don’t understand the basis for her question. keeping her voice even as she smoothed her skirt.
Morgan's eyes followed Nikita's hands as they brushed down the front of her thighs. He smiled. "Splendid, my dear, splendid! Shall we?" he asked, holding the door open for her.
Nikita picked up her bag and looked demurely at him. "Certainly" she murmured throatily as she swayed past him.
"We have made a little progress since that file was last updated. I think you'll be surprised. I hope you will be, at least." Morgan smiled again as he stopped at a door. "I would consider it an honor if I could surprise the great JC." What is it that makes her great?
Nikita studied Morgan. "I'm sure you will," she replied after a moment. "I just love surprises." And she sashayed through the door.
The previous scene is another one that I feel could be omitted entirely and nothing would be lost from the story, for the same reasons I’ve listed before. Nothing new or of importance was revealed, and the issues you did hint at – a file, progress – raised questions about issues I’m already confused about. What file? (The file on what they’ve done to Michael? And if so, what is the point of keeping a torture log?) What progress? (As far as I know, Michael hasn’t given them anything yet.)
******************
Nikita stood still, breathing evenly and counting. On the other side of this door, she thought, is some poor soul who has had the misfortune of crossing paths with all the wrong people. Or maybe, she reflected, they really do deserve this sort of thing. She could think of at least three people who might deserve this. Now was not the time for those thoughts. Exactly. Show me the situation first, then let me hear Nikita’s anguished thoughts. And like JayBee said in her critique, Nikita thinking of three people who deserved whatever she’s going to face behind the door sounds mighty odd. Pun intended. If she’s going to go so far as to think three I’d like to know who the three are and why. But . . . that’s getting totally off the story’s topic. However, you won’t have to worry about the three thing at all if you just show Nikita seeing Michael. From that point on, the story should almost write itself.
She counted to ten and then to ten again. Your opening paragraph stated she was counting, so there’s no need to repeat it here. From her comm unit she could hear the crackle of static. Birkhoff's voice was coming through, but it was faint. I don’t remember Birkoff saying much during a live mission, unless it was to relay information. What is he saying? I can do this, she thought. I must do this. Use my emotions to do what?!? She almost panicked. Breathe in, she blanked her mind breathe out she had her emotions breathe in, she felt nothing breathe out . Suggest rewording the last sentence.
The heavy metal door swung open, revealing a dank dark <– separate with a comma and it’ll read better room. Nikita stepped in and came to stand beside Morgan. Focus on her feelings of revulsion, or scent, or something other than stepping and standing. Put yourself in her shoes and pretend you’re about to enter a room where someone’s been tortured to within an inch of his life. Now describe it. Off to her left, she could see the prisoner Morgan had chained from the ceiling. She ignored him for now. IMO, Nikita would see it was Michael instantly. Even if she didn’t have a special link with Michael, she’s been trained to pick up on everything. "What .progress have you made?" Nikita was pleased that her voice sounded cool and collected.
Morgan let a smile touch his lips. Awkward. You’ve also portrayed Morgan as an eager smiler throughout the story, so why does he have to concentrate to smile now? He cupped Nikita's elbow with his hand and turned her toward the prisoner. IMO, Morgan shouldn’t have to steer JC anywhere. Forget that this is Nikita and write about another character called JC. Then, JC can *see* Michael and lose her fake persona when Nikita resurfaces with her heart in her throat. Leaning close, he whispered, "Let me show you, my dear. You'll like this." Nikita let Morgan lead her to the circle of light where the prisoner was being held. A short little I’d omit short little and focus on what makes this man stand out (like the drill!) man in surgical scrubs was working on some kind of drill. He looked up when they approached.
"JC, this is our Doctor. Doctor is not capitalized unless it’s followed by a name or it’s the first word in a sentence. I think you will find his work rather extraordinary. Doctor? Will you show our guest your latest innovation?" And if I understand correctly, this is the progress referred to?
From the research I’ve done, progress is measured by information the interrogator gets from the subject. I made it halfway though a horribly depressing book called A Man by Oriana Fallacy that went into depth about interrogation and surviving long periods of capture. If you can stomach the book, there’s lots of good information there.
The little man looked at Nikita with squinty eyes before moving to the prisoner. Nikita followed him with her gaze. She took a breath when the doctor pointed out the cut he had made. She could see thick streaks of blood running down the prisoner's bare side and soaking into his black pants. Nikita felt her stomach clench. Her gaze was riveted to the blood. She forced herself to breathe. This is not happening, she thought, this is not happening.
IMO, this cannot be an operative’s mantra during a live mission, otherwise how would they succeed? And the best way I know how to think of this and how they have to deal with what they’ve got to, is ACTING. Section ops have to be excellent actors, there’s no way around that. The *part* would be like a protective skin in itself. So . . . if Nikita is JC right now, she’s thinking about her job. Or she’s dead.
The doctor was speaking to her, something about the drill he had been working with. Nikita stared at the gaping wound in the man's side as the doctor pulled the flesh apart to let her see the holes he had been drilling into the ribcage. Breathe, Nikita thought, I have to breathe. She felt her eyes going wide as they traveled to the bent head of the prisoner. He was moving, moaning softly as the doctor prodded the incision. I have to breathe, she thought, I just have to breathe. Nikita began to tremble.
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Well, that's all I have for you today. Still with me?
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I'm still with you. -- Shanola, 17:22:07 05/14/03 Wed
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