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Date Posted: 08:16:11 06/20/02 Thu
Author: Nestra
Subject: Comments (r)
In reply to: Deedra 's message, "The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 4" on 14:57:32 06/18/02 Tue

She can't quite manage it, so she ascends to the 26 ths floor

26th. Or twenty-sixth.

She manages to open the door and crawls in.

Not Seeing

Don't capitalize "seeing"

She checks him for a micro tag which she finds

Has Michael told her about these tags? These tags which we, the readers, still know nothing about?

Then Michael steps pass Davenport, and that famous expression of Epiphany floods Nikita's face.

I'm sorry. The what? I have absolutely no idea what is meant by "famous expression of epiphany", and if it's supposedly famous, you'd think I'd know.

What I'm missing here, and in the rest of the story, are connections. You obviously have this all plotted out, and it makes perfect sense to you. But you have to make those connections for the reader. Very few people are going to persevere through a story when they don't understand what's going on.

After a short altercation with a stun-gun, Davenport and Michael put Nikita in a room.

1) You can't have an altercation with an inanimate object. 2) Who was doing the fighting? It's very unclear.

Checking her for micro tags and removing them, they lock her in room.

A room. Or the room.

She was there for what seemed like hours before someone broght her sustenance.

This sentence is in past tense. The rest of the story is in present tense.

Over coming the servant, Nikita escapes back up the elevator shaft.

Overcoming is one word. And "servant"? That's an interesting word choice. I don't think Section has servants.

Michael sees Nikita's egress from the elevator shaft and over takes her.

Overtakes is one word.

Michael throws Nikita to the floor and hobbling her.

hobbles her.

"Michael, what are you doing question mark Let me up!"

After laying her gently down, Michael drawes his thumb slowly over her right eyebrow then leaves to address more pressing issues with Paul in the infirmary.

I can't believe Michael would think of Operations as "Paul".

Walter and Birkoff see Michael carrying Nikita's limp body pass their stations.

"past their stations."

Birkoff and Walter connect

Connect what? Or connect how?

"What are you doing, Michael? " Walter cries out.

I thought Michael had already left.

"I need you at your station, Walter. " Michael replies as he walks pass them.

PAST them. And you need a comma, not a period after Walter.

Birkoff jumps at the opportunity to tell Michael that he gave Madeline his message about the PC and adds,
"Is she dead?"

You need to make it clear that "she" refers to Nikita. Since Birkoff was just talking about Madeline, it would be strange for him to ask if Madeline was dead.

So Walter lets her out. Nikita heads out of Section to her apartment.

There's this huge crisis in Section, but Walter lets her out of the holding cell, completely contrary to everyone's orders, and she goes home? I'm sorry, that just doesn't make much sense.

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Replies:

[> [> [> Re: Comments (r) > I've made the corrections. You're great! Thanks. -- Deedra, 13:23:00 06/20/02 Thu

Hello,

You're great!

And you are so right about this.(LOL) I've got the rough areas marked. :-] It will come. And you keep it coming too!

~delle wrote; What I'm missing here, and in the rest of the story, are connections. You obviously have this all plotted out, and it makes perfect sense to you. But you have to make those connections for the reader. Very few people are going to persevere through a story when they don't understand what's going on.

Thanks.

God bless,
Deedra

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